*
So now that she is gone
You won't be sad for long
For maybe just an hour or just a moment
Of the day
Then blue turns to grey
And try as you may
You just don't feel good
You don't feel alright
*

It was odd sitting in my own living room again, especially since it was no longer mine. It was Mary's and I wasn't supposed to be here. I should have been at Brian's, but I couldn't just return like nothing had happened between us... The last time he had thrown me out, it was over something small and stupid, which could have been overlooked easily. It wasn't as simple now. Even if I still couldn't really understand why Brian had been so mad, I had just said the truth. We had a deal and that was it. If we had been more I would have understood why he would have been angry with me about leaving, but not like this. Still it probably was rather cold of me just to say to him that I would leave him when his life was no longer in danger... He wasn't just some job, but I liked him too, even if he made that really hard. This was the third time he had thrown me out and we only had December, this meant if we continued like this there would be 18 more times were I would end up again in my flat until July. Alone that thought was reason enough to have a drink, ignoring the other 100 I had.

Beside Brian and everything that involved him, there still was my vision of my own death that wouldn't leave me... What if it was true and not just a bad memory? I didn't look much older than I do now... I would be lying if I said it didn't worry me. This knowing and not knowing was driving me crazy, because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Should I leave my job like Brian proposed and do everything I ever wanted to do? Or should I just put it down and carry on like before? Somehow it was ironic, everyone had to live with the fear that they could be dead the next day and I was probably the only one, who exactly knew the future and I was panicking over it. I guess being confronted with my own death made me realise that maybe actually I don't want it to end like this. I enjoyed my time and it seemed so unfair if it was over in just a few months or years and I probably could do nothing about it. No wonder Brian seemed so frustrated most of the time. He exactly knew he had no time left and had to be reminded by it every day.

I wondered how he could even look at me. Without me he could perhaps have lived his last month's happy and now he spend his time arguing with me and seeing death around every corner. Maybe he was better off without me, although I doubted it and I feared he would just give up and Mary was no help. She had picked my clothes up the day after I had turned up at hers and according to her Brian looked like a mess... I wasn't sure if she was really telling the truth or just trying to guilt trip me.

If that was indeed her plan, it worked, although I suspected Mary regretted that or at least she hadn't thought it through, especially not calling Mr Evan and asking him for the week off and then leaving me on my own again. Every second I was alone with my thoughts, the guilt seemed to grow and I tried to chase it away like I usually did with a drink. One became two and so on, getting to the point that Mary yelled at me for drinking her alcohol storage for a month or something in two days. In my defence, what else was I supposed to do? Mary went every day to work and during the day I felt lonely and bored... There was nothing for me to do, I cleaned, rearranged her things, even baked a cake and I probably was driving Mary insane, but she didn't complain. I think she wanted to give me still some time to catch up with the situation, but I wasn't sure if I wanted that.

I mean now was the perfect opportunity to get my old life back, forget about Brian, do my job like usual, stay away from people and just do what I want to. I didn't need to worry about anyone dying and wasn't forced to do anything out of my comfort zone, at least not more than I usually did. It sounded too good, but could I just go back to that? Not caring about anyone and just doing my job? It felt not right, especially not abandoning Brian... I really needed to clear things up with him, but didn't know what to say to him. Sorry seemed not enough... I really had done him wrong... Although this was a topic as well I didn't really wanted to think about.

Although Mary left me little choice on that matter, she had a date with Ben and left me again all alone with a bottle of Gin on a weekend in my flat to ponder my thoughts. Probably not the best idea she ever had.

I tried to keep Brian out of my head for the most part, but somehow he always crawled back in... and with him the guilt. I tried to tell myself that I had already helped him some and he could surely do the rest on his own, but somehow I doubted he would. He needed someone to keep him where he was and not make him lose interest or give up. I probably was not the best motivation coach, but at least he had somebody he could count on and now he hadn't... Because I was too stupid and to fixed on my old life... Maybe he was right and I should try something new? It had been stupid of me never to try anything or have no dreams because of my gift... I probably spend the whole evening painting, trying out different things. When Mary came home from her date, my or her flat looked like an artistic chaos. I had plastered the living room with different drafts, paint was everywhere and in the middle of it me with an empty bottle of gin. I think I never saw Mary that shocked in her life. On the other hand I could have imagined it thanks to the alcohol... Well she probably had expected me to drink the gin, but not well destroy her living room along the process. She was too tired to care for it immediately, so she let it slide, but made me clean up everything with a ponding headache and a horrible hungover in the morning, but I probably had deserved that or at least to a degree.

While I was cleaning up, she told me all about her date with Ben and it sounded like she really liked him. I was happy for them, even if I still didn't really like him and I was a bit worried about his death. He would die quite a few years before Mary, not that he had a short life, but still it somehow saddened me to know that even if they were happy now. They only had 15 years or so left until he would die and then what? I felt like I should say or do something...But I had no idea what or how and I still was dealing with the consequences of the last time I had tried to intervene and I didn't even know if it was any help.

They had decided to have another date next week and spend Christmas together. I was a bit surprised, because I thought they were moving a bit fast, but I suspected that Mary only was agreeing to spend so much time with him to get away from me. I think she wasn't used to me being the crazy one.

However that left me with a problem, I had no idea what I was supposed to do on Christmas, beside Mary I had no one... And she wanted me out, because she wanted it to be only Ben and her, which left me with little choice. I could look for a bar and spend my evening there or I called Keith or Brian, but I doubted that Brian wanted to see me and Keith... Well I hadn't talked to him since that morning I woke up in his home and had no idea where we were standing at the moment, but calling him felt at least less awkward than Brian. I got enough courage together to talk to him, three days before Christmas. I had just resumed my work at the funeral parlour and I felt a bit better being back on track and not just sitting there overthinking every small thing that crossed my mind.

"Hello?"

I took a deep breath. "Hey Keith, it's eh... Charlie."

He laughed. "Wow I haven't heard from you in a while! I nearly thought you had forgotten about me."

I was a bit confused by his reaction, but maybe I had thought that me leaving Brian or he rather throwing me out again was worse than it had been. I mean it had happened before, Keith probably didn't see it that dramatic. "Sorry about that... I was busy, I suppose?"

"Oh it's fine. Even if I missed you at my birthday party, you really should have come!"

I frowned. "Birthday Party?"

"Yeah a few days ago, didn't Brian tell you? He told me you were unwell, but he didn't say it was that bad. Just the flu or something, I hope you're better now at least."

I had no idea what to reply to that. Brian had clearly lied to him and it made me feel uneasy. I didn't want to lie to Keith nor did I really want to expose Brian as a liar, who knows how that would turn out again. "Late happy Birthday then..." I mumbled, ignoring the rest.

"Thank you and you really missed some fun!" He laughed. "Well you probably didn't call me for that. So how can I help you?"

"Eh.. I wanted to ask what you're doing during the holidays."

"Why? Do you and Brian don't talk about those things? Charlie invited the whole band on the 25th, Brian surely must have mentioned it or did he change his mind again about coming? Wouldn't surprise me." I bid my lip. Again I had no idea how to get out of this without causing any trouble. Why couldn't Brian just have told him the truth and that was it? There was no point in lying anyway. "Charlie? Are you still there?"

"Sorry, I was thinking..."

"Hey, don't worry your pretty head, maybe Brian wanted to surprise you or something. I wouldn't be too hard on him. He looks like shit at the moment, but you probably know that better than me."

"He does?" I blurted out.

I heard Keith sigh. "He threw you out again, didn't he?"

"Something like that..." 

Keith cursed and mumbled something that suspiciously sounded like 'fuck. Now I own Wyman twenty.' I rolled my eyes, did they really bet on my and Brian's relationship? Had they nothing better to do? "Sorry, what happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it, but in short I was being stupid and hurt his feelings..."

"I'm sure he forgives you, if you try to talk to him. You could come with me to the Christmas dinner!" Keith offered.

I shook my head. "I don't think that's a good idea..."

"Charlie and Shirley invited you too, so I don't see a reason for you not being there. Come on, I haven't seen you in a while and Brian is probably happy to see you as well." He exclaimed.

I sighed. "Keith, no..."

"Please, it's Christmas and it's just a dinner. If it gets awkward I take you home and you own me something, so come on."

I bid my lip. I was going to regret this, but I felt bad for turning him down and some part of me wanted to see Brian, even if I thought this was a bad idea. I missed him. He was annoying and had turned my life upside down, but I would be lying if I said that somehow I didn't miss exactly that... Something was missing since I've left him and that wasn't that I no longer had a bed to sleep in and had to spend my nights on the couch, but it was simply him. He was annoying and we probably argued more than what would be considered healthy, but it was strange and boring not being with him. Living with Mary wasn't the same. "Promise?"

"Sure, I'll pick you up at 5 outside your flat."

"Alright then..." I mumbled.

"See you." Keith said and I hung up.

Mary was excited for me that I finally had a chance to talk to Brian again and of course that I was out of the house for her date.

 All I had was an unwell feeling in my stomach.

Is it just me or does it feel wrong to talk about Christmas in May? Sorry nothing happens much in this and it's rather short, but well... 

Thank you for reading, voting and the comments!

Preview:

"He didn't dump me, we had a fight, nothing more..." I explained.

"Yeah and you haven't talked to him in what two weeks now?" Keith remarked.

I rolled my eyes. "Keith, stop it. He hasn't dumped me, alright? We're just on a break."

"Still... Brian could have said something. I mean instead of telling us you were busy." Mick said and Marianne coughed. "Oh sorry, I think you never got introduced. Well Marianne, that's Charlie, Brian's girlfriend or well Keith's date. Are you going to make a habit out of it to pick up Brian's girlfriends?"