Why put this sadness inside of me
Why be so matter-of-fact
Why put this one bit of hope in me
You sold me out and that's that
*

"Oh now that I think about it... what happens with the filming?" I asked. Mary had found nothing about it anywhere and was a bit surprised. She would have liked to watch it on TV, at least the part she missed out on. She had asked me about it, but of course I had no idea and hadn't talked to any of them, beside the phone call with Keith and even if I had. This didn't sound like something Brian would tell me. I mean he hardly ever spoke about the band and I think he was happy that I didn't ask either. I knew it wasn't one of his favourite topics and I didn't want to pry, especially when in all honesty it really made no difference for me if they recorded a new album or not. It was their business and not mine.

"Well we didn't really like it..." Keith shrugged.

I frowned. "And?"

"Nothing. It's just not going on television." He said.

"Pity. Mary missed the second part and would have liked to see you guys perform..." I said.

"Sorry for her then, but you saw the whole thing! So who did you like best?" He curiously asked.

I shrugged. "I am not sure... I didn't know Jethro Tull before and well they were good and of course the Who, but you weren't bad either, I suppose. "

Keith laughed. "Of course you would say that."

I rolled my eyes. Why did he ask me in the first place, when he exactly knew what I was going to say? He knew I was no fan of theirs, but well... "Oh eh... I didn't know you sung too. I though Mick was the only one who did."

He laughed. "Well glad to surprise you from now and then." He winked. "Brian, if you don't like me talking to her, you shouldn't have left her, you know? She's my date for the evening, even if you can take her home later." I looked at Brian who was glaring at Keith and again I felt a huge need to roll my eyes. At least I could see why Keith was fixated on talking with me, he was trying to annoy Brian. Marianne was indeed right. They could be worse than five year olds.

"You're doing it on purpose." Brian said.

Keith shook his head. "I am just talking to her. I am doing nothing."

"You know what you're doing..."

"Brian, calm down. Alright." Keith sighed. "You should thank me instead of complaining, without me she wouldn't even be here." Before Brian could say anything, Shirley interrupted us to take our plates and I saw my chance to get finally away for a second. I was trying but these whole attention was too much and to get away from Keith and Brian for a moment sounded like the perfect opportunity.

"Let me help you." I could see that Shirley wanted to turn my help down, but I didn't give her a chance. I got up grabbed some plates, before she could even object. She smiled and thanked me and I followed her back to the kitchen.

"You really didn't have to..." She tried again. As I sat down the plates on a counter.

I shook my head. Only because they invited us didn't mean that she had to serve us all evening and furthermore she was actually doing me a favour not the other way around. "No it's fine. I'm glad to get away for a minute."

She smiled. "Yeah they can get a bit much. I know them much longer and I still feel sometimes overwhelmed. How long are you and Brian together now?" She asked and started to clean the kitchen. I stood there a bit awkwardly. Honestly I had no idea, what to reply to that, especially considering we weren't together nor that I hadn't seen him in two weeks.

"Eh... nearly two months, I think." I mumbled. At least that was how long I knew him.

She nodded. "I was a bit surprised, when I heard he had a girlfriend and then saw you... Oh no that sounds wrong... I mean I didn't really expect somebody like you, you seem very polite and reserved... That didn't sound much better, did it?" She sighed. "I don't know what I expected, but definitely not you. Sorry that still sounds bad..."

"It's fine... I hear that quite often actually." I said and wondered if it hadn't been better if I had stayed with Keith and Brian than having this embracing discussion. Shirley probably just meant well, but this wasn't really something I wanted to talk about. This kind of conversation wasn't something I was used to and had no real idea, how to handle. Mary knew me and didn't expect me to talk much or give her the answers she actually hoped for, if she didn't exactly ask for them. Shirley, however had no idea that I probably wasn't the right person for such a talk, but she didn't comment on my reply, even if I could see that she was surprised by it, but instead she asked another question. "And what's with this no touching business?"

"Oh..." I shook my head. "Nothing I told him once that I don't like being in to crowded places and people touching me... and well I think he took that more serious than I meant it."

She smiled. "Still the thought is quite cute." I wouldn't say cute, but it was indeed nice of him, even if I suspected that his motives weren't as pure. He probably just wanted to keep everyone away from me to make sure I didn't run off to help somebody else. Still I didn't have to see any deaths and if he told somebody off for touching me it seemed well less strange then if I did it. Especially considered he often did things without any real reason behind it... "How did you meet?"

I sighed. I know Shirley just wanted to make small talk, but this wasn't really my kind of talk. I felt uneasy talking about Brian and mine relationship. Both of us were acting strange since some time and I think the more people made us believe that we were a real couple, the worse it got. Furthermore there wasn't really much to tell her anyway... "A friend and me, saw them at a bar and well Keith invited us to sit with them."

"And you hit it off with him immediately?" She asked. "Sorry for being so curious, but Charlie told me you moved in with him.... I don't really mean to pry, but it all sounds like you're moving very fast. I thought you were some fan and therefor had no objection, but you're not and you actually sound more reasonable than he ever was or ever will be...." She sighed. "I'm sorry."

She had a point and I could hardly blame her or tell her off. Maybe if I was more like Brian, I would have, but I was too polite and she had done me no wrong. "You don't need to be sorry and to be honest we didn't really hit it off well, but Brian helped me out some evening and well... It somehow all fell together. It's very complicated story to tell and I am sorry. You're very kind, but I am really not very sociable and not used to this kind of talk."

She laughed. "Oh my. It's fine, I shouldn't be so curious anyway. I just find you and him a bizarre combination, but I wish you all the best!"

"Thanks... and how long have you been married to Charlie?" I asked finally trying to change the topic.

"A few years. They weren't even famous back then." She smiled. "I'm very happy to have him. But we probably should get the dinner ready or they start to question what we are doing. Oh you can go back, if you want. I can manage on my own."

"Oh no I'd like to help you, if I can?"

"Sure." She smiled. "You can bring these already out until I get the main dish ready." I nodded and grabbed a plate with vegetables and potatoes and went back to the dining room.

"You should have said something. I could have helped too." Marianne said as she saw me entering.

"Well you can still ask Shirley, if she needs a helping hand..." I offered as I sat them down on the table. Marianne nodded and followed me back to the kitchen.

"Oh Marianne, you could really have stayed back there. I'm nearly finished and Charlie already helped me." She smiled. "Well now that you're here you can bring the rest out and I just finish up and we can eat." Marianne and me took a few sides and brought them with us to the living room. From what I could see, Shirley had cooked way too much, at least if everyone ate as much as I did, which probably wasn't that much. Marianne and me put them on the table and sat back down on our seats. Soon Shirley came back and we started eating. It really was good and I started to wonder if I was the only one who couldn't really cook.

"So what were you up to, Charlie since Mr. Grumpy over there threw you out?"

I smiled. Brian was indeed not looking very happy, but I supposed it was to be expected. He never really liked me spending time with Keith and that he clearly enjoyed going on Brian's nerves, probably didn't make it better either. "Nothing much. I took a week off after your show and well lived with Mary and annoyed her pretty much all the time..."

"Well no wonder you needed a break after what happened... You really had a bad trip, but that's no surprise either with your job, that all you see are corpses or something... You know you were seriously freaking me out with all that death talk."

"What did she tell you?" Brian asked. My insides started to panic, I had no idea how much Keith had actually understood from what I had said to him, but I knew that Brian would surely see more behind it than Keith. I wanted to say something before Keith could, but changed my mind, because that probably would have looked even more suspicious. All I could do was hope that Keith didn't say anything that Brian could misunderstand.

Keith shrugged. "Nothing much, you've heard her yourself. Mumbling about that we're all dead and that she couldn't save you. Oh and she even thought she was dead as well. I suppose you really needed a break." He said and laughed.

"Then you know?" Brian asked perplexed.

I bid my lip. I wasn't 100% sure that what I had seen was true. I was high and not thinking straight, but I doubted that was what Brian wanted to hear, nor was it that what I really believed in, but this wasn't the place to talk about it... I could only hope he dropped the topic. "I have no idea, it's a possibility, but it's nothing..."

Keith frowned. "What are you talking about?"

Brian ignored him. "When?"

I shook my head. "Brian this is not the place..."

"No tell me!" Brian had raised his voice and the others started looking at us curiously, probably wondering what went on again between us. I regretted accepting Keith's barmy invitation. I should have stayed at home, or I don't know. Everywhere else was better than here or at least better than having this discussion.

"Really, we shouldn't..." I pleaded.

"Why? Just say it!"

"No this can wait! It's not that important anyway." I tried again.

"It is!" He yelled and now he definitely had the attention of the whole room.

"Brian, if she doesn't want to talk about it, just leave her be and don't go destroying Shirley's dinner. She's right this surely can wait 'til after," Keith said.

Again, Brian didn't even acknowledge Keith's comment and kept staring at me. "It's soon isn't it? That's why you don't want to tell me."

I sighed. "Same as you."

He looked pale. "You mean...?"

"Yes, can we now please drop it?" I replied annoyed.

He didn't reply, just threw his napkin on his plate and run off. Nobody said a word at first. I think we still were in some kind of shock of what had just happened. "What was that about?" Marianne then asked and broke the silence.

Mick rolled his eyes. "It's Brian, does it surprise you?"

I got up. This was my fault. I needed to talk to him, even if I doubted he would listen to me. "I should probably go after him... I'm so sorry for this... I shouldn't have come." even if I had no idea where he went

"It's not your fault and he probably went outside for a smoke." Keith said. "Promise to tell me someday what actually goes on between you two. I really don't get anything from you both..." I nodded and headed outside. Keith was right. Here he was and smoking too. He offered me a cigarette. I'd rather had a drink, but it was better than nothing or a drag from his.

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" He asked.

"I don't know... It didn't make much sense to begin with... I thought I was imaging things, because I was high... And well we didn't really talk much about it. It happened Saturday and by Tuesday you had me out of your life again. When should we have talked about it?"

"You're right I suppose... I'm sorry I overreacted, but I couldn't understand why you wouldn't tell me about that... Especially when it is the same..."He sounded defeated and looked away from me.

"It's not really the same..." Now he looked questioning at me. "I mean it is, but only like the first, not those where you're older..."

He seemed confused and well who could blame him. I was confused as hell too. Something like this had never before happened. On the other hand I had never experimented with my gift, how should I know how it reacted to certain things. I didn't even know why I had it in the first place.

"Does that mean you die in my place?" He whispered.

I shook my head. "You looked the same... So either we died together then or I was just high... Really I have no idea and I didn't think it was that important..."

He scoffed. "Really? Yours is the only one you don't know and it doesn't bother you a bit?" I wanted to reply, but he continued before I had the time. "You think you're going to die, that's why you don't think you'll be around for much longer..."

That wasn't really the reason why I had believed I would leave in a few months, but I didn't really wanted to discuss this again, especially when it seemed like he had forgiven me for that. "There always was this chance... And it really is nothing. If it happens, it happens."

He frowned. "And you didn't think about changing it?"

"I have no date to work with or anything much and I don't see the point in it, if I'm going to die, I'll die. It's the normal course."

"No you can't just give up!" he yelled at me and I was a bit taken back by his enthusiasm. I was here to help him, not the other way around.

"I'm not. I accept it simply. This isn't even sure, if I do die, then that's alright too. There's nothing I can do about it and you shouldn't worry about it either. Come on, it's cold. Let's go back in."

"I don't want you to die..." He mumbled.

I smiled. "Welcome to my life."

"Can't we do something?" I shook my head. "Nothing?" He asked and looked just so miserably. I felt bad, but there was really nothing we could do about this and he should worry about himself and not me.

"Not that I know of. Brian just drop it. I just want to live and if it happens then it happens."

"We could do everything you ever wanted to do! You could give up your job and we could travel the whole world!" He exclaimed.

I laughed. "No, come on, I really want to go back in and you're high. We can always talk about this later." I was about to go back in when he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him. Water. Suffocating. Death. He hugged me and my head was on his shoulder and his arms around me.

"You should stop doing that." I said, but hugged him back.

"What? Hugging you?" He asked confused.

I smiled. "I meant grabbing me all the time, but hugging probably too."

He chuckled. "Just do me a favour for once."

"Once? I do you them all the time or you wouldn't have hugged me at all."

He smiled. "No I don't mean that... Be honest and tell me you'll stay with me no matter what."

"I promised you that already."

He shook his head. "I want you to stay with me because you want to, not because you promised me or because you see it as a duty or because Mary can't stand you. I want you to be with me because you want it."

"Brian, I-"He had put some distance between us and I could now look directly in his face, making me feel unease again. "I want to." I whispered.

He smiled. "Was that so complicated now?" I shook my head. My senses were telling me to run away, but I couldn't he was still holding me and a voice in my head was telling me that I didn't really want to. I was just afraid. Scared of the future. Scared that maybe I felt indeed more for him than I wanted to admit.

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Preview:

I got up and was just about to go, when I felt a hand on my back. Old. Death. Keith.

"I'll go with you." I shook my head. "It's easier if you just say yes and we go." I rolled my eyes and he laughed. "I'll take that as a yes, let's go." He took my arm and we went to the dining room. I somehow wondered if there was something more behind this. Keith always was a bit pushy with me, but this seemed rather like something Brian would do than him.

"Keith is something wrong?" I asked as we entered the dining room.

He shook his head. "No I just wanted to get you alone for a minute, before Brian locks you up again."