15 August, 2018

One evening a man and woman were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Dressed to impressed, the woman's hands clutched her purse, fingers occasionally fidgeted while the man awkwardly lurched forward to grab a chair for her to sit on. His fumbled attempts were endearing. Her smile was kind and grateful.

They had only spoken online before, and this was the first time they had met in person. Despite that, there was something peculiar about him, it seemed as though he rarely went out. The way in which he spoke seemed strange, every word dictated carefully under great scrutiny. She shrugged off the suspicion, since a lot of people speak in a peculiar or unique way.

A screeching sound resonated throughout the restaurant, trumpets blared from the speakers, and a performance artist rolled out a trolley into the center of the dining area. Something large and blocky was on the trolley. At first, the woman couldn't make out what it was. There seemed to be a square-shaped object underneath the white table cloth?

The lights dimmed; a spotlight turned on; a drumroll played. It was purposely made to seem dramatic and ominous. The performer grabbed the cloth—several times feigning a reveal—until abruptly, and in a grand overture, he removed it.

A block of ice.

He smiled and gestured, before retrieving a hammer and ice pick. Carefully placing the pick at the center of the block, he lifted the hammer and in one swift powerful blow, brought it crashing down. Tiny shards of ice flew in the air. Some fell on the onlookers. The block bloke—broke and split in half. Raising his arms in celebration of the marvelous achievement, he bowed and scurried away.

Once the lights illuminated the dining area again, the woman stared at the man and exclaimed, "what a marvelous performance! Whatever does it mean?"

"Can never really tell. How have you been?" He replied.

"Well, I was really hoping I'd get some—"

"Aaaaaah!"

"What's wrong with you?"

But he only screamed again and fell to the floor.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" She yelled.

Sitting at a nearby table, an older gentleman wiped his face and quickly stood. "I'm a doctor." He said and approached the man on the floor. With eyebrows strained in thought, he pursed his lips and looked to the woman. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"I don't know! You tell me? That's why I asked for a doctor! Doctor, what's wrong with him?"

The man kept screaming in pain.

"Hmm, I think I know what's happening here. He seems to be suffering from contractions", the doctor said gravely.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"There might be something. Perhaps you can attempt a bit of eccentricity?"

Perplexed, the woman stared at him. "Do you think that will actually work?"

He looked uncertain, but nodded. "At this point, we should try everything we can."

"Ok. I learned a few new things." She squared off her shoulders and stood near the man. "Yo, imma 'bout to getcha outta yer funk and fixna to getcha better'n now!"

The man released a blood-curdling scream and convulsed, before settling into a frozen state.

"Doctor! He's stopped moving completely! It didn't seem to help in the least bit—", she noticed the doctor grabbing the man's drink. "Um, what are you doing?"

"No, sense in letting this tonic go to waste." He said and drank from the glass.

"But what about my date?"

"It's peculiar really, originally I was thinking 1984, but up close I'd say more like 1979. Am I close?"

She shook her head. "No doctor, him! What about him?"

"Well, I didn't really think about it to be honest."

"No," she breathed in deeply. "Why didn't it work?"

"Oh! Yes, apologies madam! It might've worked. Current research has shown positive results with eccentric contractions, but at the rate this is going, he'll just get worse."

"Tell me, what can I do?"

"How am I supposed to know? I wouldn't worry about it too much. Frankly, I often ask myself the same question. I think everyone is trying to find the answer to that, aside from the meaning of life. But what's important right now is that this man needs to be put in iso." The doctor said.

"Iso, there must be another way."

"'Fraid not. I'm sorry." He gestured to the performer.

The performer skipped towards them.

"May I borrow your trolley to cart this man out of here?" The doctor said.

The performer merely smiled and nodded. To their surprise, he pulled out the pick and hammer, but before he could hammer the pick into the man's skull, the doctor let out a high-pitched scream.

"No! What are you doing?" The woman said.

A waiter appeared. "I'm sorry. He doesn't have conversations, he merely knows how to hammer and pick at things. I can help you with what you need."

Quietly, they carefully lifted the man from the floor like he was the last marble statue. Being positioned wrongly, the man slipped off once; trolley being sent forth from the force, with a noisy, squeaky wheel. They attempted again and successfully carted him out.

Alone and dejected, the woman stood at the restaurant. To relieve some of her unease, she sat down to eat some bread with butter. She always had a fondness for things that are butters, on both sides and bread.

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***                       AUTHOR'S NOTE

Did I forget one? Perhaps, I should explain some things about this, or perhaps I should be lazy and let a doctor explain the other half of the connections? Contractions has a double entendre [meaning], like a muscle spasm, but also he's affected by her use of grammatical contractions [see image underneath]. Tonic is also used with various meanings [aside from a gin and tonic reference]:

Such as an antonym to Catatonic [which is the state in which the man now finds himself in].

More emphasis on the play on words with "contractions" [physiologically].

Eccentric contractions: Well, the whole thing is quite eccentric wouldn't you say? Grammatically, it's also eccentric to speak that way. Physiological remedy for an extreme case of muscle contraction [concentric, which happens to be the more commonly known—shortening—type].

Block of ice to break the ice. The performer arrives to aid in putting at bay the awkwardness of the dinner date.

"Merely knows how to hammer and pick"—Merely knows how to nitpick and attack whatever is said. Though throughout the scene the performer seems to be almost "mime-like".

Last marble, off once; trolley [off one's trolley]= crazy

Squeaky wheel gets the most attention, which he certainly is receiving with his little scene.

Butters = ugly. Bread buttered on both sides= to want two completely different things; basically want it all.

There's a lot more at play in the story, but just figured I'd point out a few for those who don't speak or know English well. Also, for anyone not familiar with some of the idioms.

Here's the chart on standard grammatical contractions [which there are formal/proper ones, as shown in the chart]. There are slang-based types that are popularly used, but I won't be showing, because my knowledge of slang is inadequate:

Thank you for reading!***