OCTOBER 10th, 1990, OLYMPIA, WA

             "ARE YOU OKAY, Reags?"

Reagan's head snapped up, her eyes meeting the concerned look that Kate wore on her face. She stared up at her sister, busy sitting on the living room floor with Kody as he rolled around his toy trucks. The little toddler was situated between her legs, cruising a firetruck along Reagan's knee.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Why?"

Kate looked skeptical, leaning against the frame of the wall that lead into the living room. She twisted a ribbon of her dark hair around her finger, watching Reagan with suspicion.

"You just seem . . . different."

"Different how?" Reagan pressed. Kody impatiently shoved a plastic garbage truck in her hand, indicating that she join her in their game.

"I don't know. You seem happy, for once."

"Are you accusing me of regularly being an ass?"

"Not an ass, no. You're just more relaxed than I've ever seen you. I don't get it."

Reagan cast her gaze down into her lap, smiling sweetly at Kody as she mimicked truck noises. Her little brother cried out joyfully in response. She giggled.

"You're ignoring me," Kate said directly, joining her siblings as she strutted towards the couch. She flounced down and smoothed the skirt she'd worn to school, looking as pristine as ever.

"I'm not ignoring you," Reagan said, drawing out her words. "I'm kind of busy pretending to be a garbage truck, here."

Kate pursed her lips but said nothing, watching as Reagan returned her attention to Kody. Reagan ignored her sister easily, choosing to funnel her energy into being Kody's source of entertainment rather than Kate's resource for question answering.

She had to admit, she was acting different. The last week of her life had been drastically different than the sluggish norm Reagan had adhered to long ago out of high school.

It had everything to do with Dave, of course.

She still refused to label them as a couple, but so far, there had been no need to do so. They spent as much time as they wanted together, usually at Kurt's apartment where they'd jam on instruments or lay in bed and talk. Or, truthfully, do other things that were strictly limited to a bedroom setting.

Reagan had never been so happy in her life.

She wouldn't have told anyone that, though. Not even Chris, who knew all the details about her and Dave's relationship, was aware of how Reagan truly felt. The positivity she'd once sorely craved had finally arrived in her life in the form of Dave Grohl, the one guy who made her laugh and smile and want to snuggle up in his arms with her head in the crook of his neck.

Not even the daunting prospect of working at Wilson's had dampened Reagan's mood. She either saw Dave before or after those shifts and that was a timeline she was more than content to cooperate with.

Reagan could have denied that she didn't want anything serious with Dave, but everything going on between them said otherwise. And a small part of her was truly okay with it.

"Whose shirt is that?"

Reagan huffed through her nostrils and looked back up at Kate, who was now leaning forward with her elbows on her knees.

"What?"

"Your shirt. I've never seen it. Whose is it?"

Reagan tucked her chin into her chest in an attempt to observe the t-shirt she had on. She felt her face warm when she realized it was one of Dave's — a Dead Moon shirt he'd given her after one of their secret sleepovers.

"It's mine. It's not like you can keep count of all my band t-shirts no matter how hard you try, Kate."

Reagan wanted to tell her sister about Dave. She really did. But something about confessing the truth to a family member solidified things with Dave in a way that Reagan was unsure she was ready for. Kate would have had a cow, anyways. Reagan getting involved seriously with a guy would have knocked her right off of her Mary Jane-clad feet.

"That's not yours, Reagan. It's also too big on you."

"I wear all my shirts in bigger sizes."

"Just admit it's not yours and we'll be finished with this conversation."

"I highly doubt that."

They came to a standoff, Reagan holding Kody around the waist as he stood and clashed two trucks together in his hands. Kate had both her eyebrows raised, encouraging Reagan to go on.

"If I tell you," Reagan began through gritted teeth, "you've got to keep your mouth shut around Mom and Dad."

"Oh my God. You're dating someone. I knew it!"

Kate jumped off the couch, exhilarated to have somewhat made an accurate guess as to what Reagan was hiding. Reagan snapped her jaw shut to silence the groan she was close to letting out.

"I am not dating anyone," Reagan protested, lifting Kody from her lap and allowing him to toddle towards his pile of other toys.

"Yes you are! That explains the shirt and where you've been going out. I knew something was up."

"You'd be right, but only if you left out the dating part. We're not exactly a couple."

"What do you mean?"

"Well." Reagan's eyes slid towards where Kody stood, pawing through his collection of playthings. She lowered her voice to a murmur, though Kody wouldn't have understood a thing that she said. "We have sex sometimes."

Kate's features twisted and she wrinkled her nose, displeased with Reagan's explanation. Reagan expected this, being that Kate would have probably never in her life slept with a guy unless they were in a committed relationship.

"You're okay with it being just that?" Kate asked.

"Of course I am. That's all I have time for, Kate."

Reagan pushed herself up off the carpet, more than ready to escape Kate and her tirade of questions. She thought that she'd maybe like talking about Dave, but Kate had taken the subject in a direction that Reagan preferred not to think about. She felt enough guilt as it was about the whole thing.

How was she ever going to admit to Dave that she'd never be what he wanted her to be? She was never going to be his girlfriend. She'd just be his . . . good time.

The very thought made her heart sink.

"How do you not have time? You've spent all your free time with him. Wait — who is it?" Kate rambled, following Reagan into the kitchen.

"The drummer from the band I performed with," Reagan said, preparing to make Kody a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She took out enough ingredients for two, remembering that RaeLynn was in her parents' room, napping.

"Broom closet guy?"

"Uhm, yeah. Him."

"Okay. I can't say I approve because I don't know him. Can I meet him?"

Reagan slammed a jar of peanut butter down onto the counter and faced Kate. A storm of irritation was rolling across her face like thunder clouds.

"That's exactly why I can't date him. Because nobody in this family is meeting anyone I'm interested in. Mom would just scare them off, for one thing. She would just be a reminder that I'm on ball and chain to this household."

"It's not that deep, Reagan."

"It definitely is. You know Mom doesn't ever want to see me grow up and get a life. She wants me to play Susie Homemaker and be the third parent. It's embarrassing."

"Okay . . . forget Mom and Dad then. Can I at least meet him?"

"NO!" Reagan yelled. She whipped her head around, spitting her one-worded answer through her teeth. Kate flinched backwards, taken aback by her reaction.

"Why not?" she asked in a small voice. For once, she actually sounded wounded by Reagan's snark.

"Because. I don't want to get him involved. I don't want this to be serious," Reagan said, feeling like a broken record as she repeated her reasoning over and over. For some reason, her hands shook as she buttered on jelly to the pieces of bread she held.

Kate finally fell silent, leaving Reagan grateful for the quiet. It gave her a chance to collect herself from the sudden peak of rage she'd experienced when trying to paint an image of her situation to Kate. She just didn't want to think about it anymore.

"I just want you to be happy," Kate said softly.

Reagan's shoulders slumped as she loosened her grip on the butter knife. No matter how bossy and obnoxious Kate could be, she was still her little sister, the same little sister who could sway her bad moods with eyes as round as the moon.

"I know. I'm sorry I yelled."

Kate stepped closer to Reagan and pressed her cheek into her back, right between her shoulder blades. She roped her arms around her waist and Reagan sighed contentedly. Something about being entangled in Kate's hug made her feel young again, like her problems were far away. She was back to being ten years old, when boys and jobs and family issues didn't exist.

"You're like a robot sometimes," Kate murmured. "I see it in your face when you come home from work. It's like your light is going out. You're being pushed too hard."

"My light?" Reagan repeated, confused.

"Yeah. The light that makes you, you. I've only seen it come back since . . . well, whatever you have going on with this guy."

Quietly, Reagan pieced together the sandwiches for her brother and sister. She swallowed, wishing it was possible for her to be the younger sibling for once. Then she wouldn't need to exert so much of her energy into knowing right from wrong.

"His name is Dave," she said gently. "If you were wondering."

She pictured the smile on Kate's face over the tiny wisp of information that she'd given her. She squeezed Reagan a little tighter.

"Can you tell me what he looks like?"

Reagan turned in Kate's arms until the small of her back was resting against the counter. She bit down hard on her lip.

"I can't. If I tell you . . . it'll just make me upset. It will get me thinking about things."

"Maybe you should be thinking about things."

Their conversation was punctured by the sound of a child's wail coming from upstairs.

"That'll be RaeLynn," Reagan said under her breath. "Watch Kody for me, will you? And give him his sandwich."

She wiped her hands hurriedly on a dish towel and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time as RaeLynn's whimpers grew louder. Her youngest sister had fallen asleep in their parents' bedroom — RaeLynn still feared being alone in the new room that Richard had made. Reagan guessed that she'd gotten too used to sleeping in her parents' room to be independent yet.

"I'm here," Reagan said, flipping on the lights and seeing RaeLynn, sitting up on Richard and Kimberly's bed with her dark hair in a matted mess. She instantly reached out her arms.

"Hungry?" Reagan asked, scooping RaeLynn up and looking into her tired eyes. They were rimmed red and shiny, leaving Reagan to wonder if she'd had a nightmare. RaeLynn nodded slowly.

Together they made their way downstairs, walking in on Kate serving Kody his late lunch with milk in a toddler's cup. Reagan made a move to seat RaeLynn down next to her twin brother, but she clung like glue to her chest.

"They love you so much," Kate commented, watching as Reagan tried to pry RaeLynn off to no avail.

Reagan sighed. "Too much, I think."

She grabbed RaeLynn's sandwich, bringing it into the living room and sitting down with RaeLynn on her lap. There, she watched her little sister scarf down her meal while watching cartoons before curling into her chest, sucking on her sippy-cup.

Reagan didn't find it odd that RaeLynn was so attached to her. Kody was the same, though he showed it differently, probably because of his naturally demure personality. Since the twins had been born, Reagan had spent much of her time caring for them both.

Richard and Kimberly were good parents and would have never dared to neglect their children, but over the years, Reagan had noticed that it was her who got down on her hands and knees to play with the twins. It was her who read them books before bedtime, and it was her who knew their habits, like Kody's fixation with trucks and RaeLynn's fear of her new bedroom.

For Reagan, it was just another part of her routine. Granted, it was the part that she loved the most. RaeLynn and Kody were spritely and fun and loving, and she felt so wholly wanted when either of them called out for her or refused to be held by anyone else.

Her role as caretaker for them was a role she'd accepted happily. While working at Wilson's so much made her resentful, being Kody and RaeLynn's favorite person was a privilege.

Reagan was just beginning to nod off on the couch when she heard the front door open, the knob shaking as whoever stood on the outside forced their key in. She opened her eyes sleepily and saw RaeLynn still sitting serenely on her lap, her attention trained on the television.

"Hi," Kimberly said brusquely. She walked into the living room, shrugging out of her coat and throwing her purse down.

Reagan half-expected RaeLynn to get up and greet their mother, but she didn't. Her eyes slid towards Kimberly's direction, but then lazily returned back to her show. Reagan could practically read her mind — she's home? Big whoop.

"I need to sit, my feet are killing me," Kimberly said, bending forward to pull her navy pumps off her feet.

Reagan watched her mother wordlessly, feeling no urge to fill the silence with chatter. She wondered vaguely where Kate and Kody were. Most likely in the twins' room playing, she finally guessed.

Kimberly made her way over to the big, brown recliner in the corner of the room that was partially obscured by Reagan's drum set. As she maneuvered around it, she cursed, bumping into the hi-hat and causing a clatter of sound.

"Get rid of these already," Kimberly snapped, looking down on the kit with disdain. "There's not enough room for them to be here."

"I have nowhere else to put them," Reagan reminded her calmly.

"So sell them. We don't have the room Reagan, Jesus. Obviously you can see that."

Reagan felt her blood practically boiling beneath her skin, breaking out a heat wave in her body that rushed from her head to her legs. She sat up a little straighter.

"You want me to sell my drums? Dad's drums?"

Kimberly finally situated herself in the recliner, pulling out the foot rest and leaning back. She looked at Reagan as if she could not fathom her daughter's confusion.

"You probably should. God only knows we could use the money."

Reagan felt her jaw snap shut, an immediate reaction to Kimberly's statement. It was better that way, her keeping her mouth closed. Otherwise she would have said something heinous.

Without another word, Reagan lifted RaeLynn off her lap and set her down on the seat cushion beside her. She got up and left the living room, hoping that as she got farther away from Kimberly, the tension in her chest would relieve itself.

Even as she reached the top of the stairs, she was disappointed to realize that it didn't.