THE SEA-TAC AIRPORT seemed oddly void of travelers as Reagan and Dave walked briskly though its vast corridors, the soles of their shoes squeaking against the gleaming floors. They had moved easily through the motions that morning, from security to bag check to now finding their gate.

Dave did only have one bag though, something that had amused Reagan greatly. She didn't comprehend how someone could embark on a months-long tour with only one large duffle bag, but Dave had assured her it would be fine. He carried light.

They were rapidly approaching Dave's gate and in the distance, Reagan could see the huddle of the Nirvana crew waiting patiently to board their flight. She spotted Kurt stretched out like a cat in one of the gate's seats, his legs splayed in front of him and his head titled back.

They hadn't originally been holding hands, but Dave grabbed Reagan's palm tightly in his. She was glad that he did it. She was too busy to make the gesture herself, busy calculating each passing second that would eventually lead to their separation.

Thankfully, she had held it together. Whatever holding it together actually meant, anyways.

All she knew was that she no longer riddled with the fear of heartbreak.

They had driven to the airport in her car, as she was the one dropping Dave off that morning. He was intuitive enough to know that his departure was stressing her out, so he'd filled the ride with his usual upbeat chatter. Reagan had listened, smiling and laughing in all the right gaps of silence during which Dave looked at her cautiously with astute eyes.

It wasn't like she was going to snap. Fortunately, she had spent those last few weeks mentally preparing herself for Dave's absence. Although she had felt the pinprick of hot tears in her eyes only an hour earlier when she and Dave had laid together in bed, she felt somewhat recovered.

It was all part of her nearly forgotten promise to herself. She wouldn't become a total basket case just because Dave was leaving. All the time she had spent swearing to stay true to herself would have been wasted if she allowed herself to go to pieces.

She couldn't live permanently without Dave — that much she had deduced over the last year. But she could live without him for a few passing months if it meant spending a lifetime loving him.

"Goooood morning," Krist greeted as they finally joined the waiting crew. Both he and Kurt looked disheveled, clearly not having been adapted to being awake at such an early hour.

"Where's Shelli?" Reagan asked automatically, slightly taken aback to not see Krist's tiny, dark-haired wife at his side.

"We said our goodbyes in the parking lot," Krist explained. "She can't wait to get rid of me."

"I doubt that," Reagan retorted. Shelli, by Reagan's best guess, was probably nowhere near relieved to see her husband go. Reagan knew exactly how she must have felt.

There was precious time left to kill, so Reagan suggested that she and Dave wander off in search of coffee, although she had cut the drink out of her diet for the sake of the baby. Once they located a Starbucks, Reagan realized that it was strangely borderline painful to watch Dave raise his steaming cup of black brew to his lips. And it wasn't just because of her jealousy over his ability to have coffee while she could not.

She would miss everything about the little things that came with Dave's coffee drinking — the smell of his favorite dark roast and the way he closed his eyes when he drank it, savoring the taste. It was always those small details that crippled her the most, making her grit her teeth with the spasms of heartache that flared in her chest.

"How's the tea?" Dave asked smugly as Reagan took a ginger sip of her piping hot breakfast tea. He said the word 'tea' with obvious disdain, knowing how badly Reagan must have missed the taste of a vanilla latte.

"Good, but it's not the same," she grumbled, trying not to scald the tip of her tongue as she routinely raised the paper cup to her mouth.

"I bet you would even drink your coffee black at this point," Dave grinned. "Just to have a taste."

"Now that is something I'll never do. Never."

"That day will come. And I promise you I'll be there to witness it."

As they walked back to their party, Dave slipped his hand into Reagan's again. She welded her fingers into his and squeezed. How many times before had she taken his hand-holding for granted? Had she held his hand enough in the dwindling time that they had spent together? The ambivalence in her worries began to induce a migraine as they walked, their steps in sync.

"You're coming to visit on tour, right?" Krist asked Reagan as they returned. There was a candid hope in his eyes, which made Reagan feel good. It was nice knowing that it wasn't just Dave who would have liked to see her eventually join them on their journey.

"Only if I can get off of work," she replied with a dramatic sigh, playing up the theatrics. She had to keep them on their toes somehow, after all.

"That's right," Krist mused. "You're like an A&R girl now or something?"

"Not even close," Reagan laughed.

"She's helping out around the DGC office," Dave interjected.

"Thanks to your incredible ability to blackmail," Krist said proudly. "Nothing says 'punk rock' like blackmailing your own record company."

"So is it punk rock to look out for your pregnant wife?" Reagan asked.

"Very punk rock," Krist confirmed with a grin, wrapping one of his lengthy arms around her shoulders. Dave joined in, attaching himself to Reagan's other side so that she was sandwiched between them both.

Kurt was left to watch the interaction, still lounging quietly in his seat with his hands folded in his lap. After she'd wrangled herself out of Krist and Dave's jokey hug, Reagan casually sidestepped them both and wandered to where Kurt sat. No one seemed to notice her discreet attempt to include him. Dave and Krist had started chatting up roadies as she slipped aside.

"Want some?" Reagan offered, holding out her beverage.

"Only if that cup has the strongest available cough syrup in it," Kurt replied. There was no way to tell if he was joking or not, though he flashed a half-smile.

"Nope, sorry," she said. She settled into the seat next to Kurt, pulling one leg up so she could rest her arm on her knee. Through the large window to her right, she could see the line of planes awaiting takeoff.

"Are you sad?" Kurt asked. He looked at Reagan earnestly, never afraid to ask her his honest questions. It was far too easy to be transparent with her.

"I was earlier this morning. But now I'm okay. I think I'll be okay," Reagan said.

"But you're going to visit on tour, right?"

"Yeah. I want to."

"That will be . . . really cool."

Kurt smiled a real smile this time, his eyes crinkling. Reagan could tell that despite his exhaustion in that present moment, he was excited to go on tour. He was excited that his band was getting big and that soon enough, their record would be on music store shelves everywhere. There was an intense pride shining within his bright blue irises.

Silently, Reagan smiled back and went back to drinking her tea. With Kurt, it was easy to be in his company and not speak. Silence was never uncomfortable with him.

After a few passing moments, he spoke again, his voice scratchier than before. He sounded unsure, like he was still on the verge of formulating his words.

"I'll look out for Dave," he said slowly. His eyes flickered towards meeting Reagan's before dropping back down to his lap. "Everything will be fine. I promise."

Reagan nearly blurted out her automatic response, a version of the mantra she had been impounding into her brain all morning.

I'm not worried.

And in a way, she wasn't worried. She had made peace with her fears since waking up, accepting that if she was going to love Dave entirely, she would have to broach the idea of his touring with a clear mind. She trusted him and above all, distance shouldn't have been a threat to what she considered to be their strong relationship. She had spent too long opening her heart up to him just to allow a few months of touring to ruin it all.

But she couldn't, she wouldn't, say all of this to Kurt. She understood quickly the meaning behind his sentiment — he was taking it upon himself to console her. He wanted her to know that he would do his best to give her peace of mind. The effect, Reagan thought, was overall quite nice.

"Thanks Kurt," she said with a soft smile. He nodded back solemnly, fingering a torn patch in his jeans as another bout of silence ensued.

It didn't take much longer for their flight to finally be called. Reagan took a deep breath as soon as she heard the series of letters and numbers that had been on Dave's ticket. The moment she had been dreading had finally come, but she felt oddly numb as she got to her feet and smoothed her hands down the sides of her jeans.

"That's us," Dave said, walking up to Reagan with a timid expression.

"Yeah," Reagan replied, mustering a smile. The least she could do was send him off with the impression that she was going to be okay. Which she was almost sure was true, though the thought of being without him still left her feeling low.

"I'll miss you," Dave said as he took one of her hand in both of his. His eyes were sad, though Reagan knew it was only a passing feeling. Soon enough, he'd be living out his dream, the same one that he had probably never imagined coming to fruition as a kid.

"And I'll miss you," she told him honestly.

He enveloped her in a close hug. When she felt the warmth of his breath against her neck, she squeezed her eyes shut. She was proud that she had yet to feel the sting of tears in her eyes. She was doing well.

"I'll call as much as possible," he promised. "Every day if I can."

"I know you will." Reagan laid her hand against his cheek, fixing her eyes onto his and willing for an unspoken truth to flow between them.

I'm going to be alright. Go.

She hoped that he got the silent message she was trying to convey as she smiled, doing her best not to allow any trace of sadness to fixate in her features. There was no way she would spoil the moment for him.

"Dave, let's go!" Krist called, ambling towards the boarding entrance. He looked over his shoulder and waved his hand eagerly, beckoning Dave to the plane.

Dave glanced at his bandmate before looking back at Reagan, sighing. He lifted his hand and placed it delicately against her abdomen. She knew the meaning behind his gesture instantaneously.

"I love you," he said in a serious voice that he rarely used. Reagan had a feeling that those three words were not only meant for her, but also for someone else. His fingers pressed a little more firmly into her stomach before he moved his hand away, this time up to Reagan's neck where he pulled her closer and kissed her mouth fiercely.

"I'll be back before you know it," he assured her as she caught her breath from the kiss. He trotted backwards, trying to catch up with the last of the Nirvana roadies to disappear through the passenger boarding bridge. "Try to pick a date to come see us. And good luck on your first day at DGC, you're going to do great. And let me know how the first doctor's appointment goes!"

He rattled off his instructions as he quickened his pace, finally turning around and breaking into a jog. With one last longing glance over his shoulder, he looked back at Reagan, wearing the face of someone torn between two alternatives. In this case, it was his band and his pregnant wife of only a few weeks. But he loved her nonetheless, just as much as he loved the career he so longed for. Her feet stayed firmly planted to the ground as she watched him. She had been waving her hand, not once letting it fall as she said her final goodbye.

"I love you too, Dave," she whispered under her breath as Dave stole one last look at her before finally disappearing through the tunnel.

________

Reagan shimmied her key into the lock of the apartment door, pushing it open with the help of her foot once the lock slid out of place. She hesitated at the threshold with her keys dangling in hand, waiting to take a step inside.

It wouldn't have been the first time she had arrived alone at the apartment, but it was the first time she was doing so with the knowledge that she would be alone for awhile. Even from the outside, the apartment seemed different. It was hollow. Something was obviously missing.

Tentatively, Reagan finally entered. She dropped her keys on the kitchen counter as she normally would have and slowly walked around, looking left and right as if she were in the apartment for the very first time. Everything was exactly the way she and Dave had left it earlier in the morning. Even the cereal bowl that Dave had used to scarf down his Lucky Charms was still sitting in the sink, spoon and all.

Reagan closed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply. She puffed her cheeks out as she did so, pretending that she was meditating. Her drive home from the airport had consisted of her telling herself that she was not permitted to cry. It would be silly, stupid even, for her to cry over something so trivial. She had been making it on her own for years, even when she had been sharing a house with six other people. Granted, she had not been pregnant then, but at that point she had accepted the challenge.

And Dave was coming back. It wasn't forever.

Unless . . . unless Nirvana would be expected to do more tours. Which would inevitably happen if they made it big. The record was going to be officially released in a matter of days. The public response would dictate what happened next, as well as how well the current tour went.

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Dave wouldn't come back.

Maybe his life would just be an endless cycle of touring, just like the life of every other rock band that ever found success.

"Get it together," she commanded to herself through gritted teeth.

She inhaled again and kicked off her shoes. With her shoulders thrown back, she marched towards the house phone and snatched it off of its hook. So maybe she didn't want to be totally alone. But. calling up Kate for company didn't exactly count. It couldn't have, not when Kate was her sister with a responsibility bestowed at birth to look out for her sibling in need.

After she had called Kate and asked her in a small, pleading voice to come keep her company, Reagan wandered into the kitchen and threw open the pantry. She had never compulsively ate while she was sad, but with her changing hormones, anything was possible. She grabbed an oversized bag of potato chips, abandoning the notion for the time being that she needed to eat healthy.

Being healthy could wait. If she was going to avoid crying and succumbing to total depression without Dave, she needed to drown out her emotions in greasy food and reruns of The Simpsons.

On her way over to the couch, she flipped open the lock on the door for Kate. Once she sat down, she didn't see herself being able to get up. All Reagan wanted was to sink into the couch cushions and decompress her mind. She deserved at least a few hours, or at least the rest of the day, to do just that. If she was going to accept the idea of Dave being gone, she owed it to her mental health to be a total vegetable for the next twelve hours.

When Kate finally made it to the apartment, she jiggled open the front door and walked in to find Reagan sitting upright on the couch with Dave's gifted Fender to her in her lap. She was plucking the strings morosely, looking at the guitar like it was the last bit of proof on earth that Dave truly did exist in her life.

"Can you actually even play that thing?" Kate quipped, shutting the door and folding her arms. She cocked her hip to the side and raised a single eyebrow as she appraised her sister.

"Sort of," Reagan said glumly. "I do better when Dave is here helping me."

"Oh my god," Kate said with a roll of her eyes. "I thought you were going to handle this whole thing way better than this."

"I am handling it," Reagan said. She narrowed her gaze at Kate and set the Fender down, propping it up against the couch. "At least give me a day to just process it all."

"A day is all you get," Kate announced. "You don't have time to do this, Reags. You can't."

"I didn't invite you over here to tell me what to do."

Kate frowned at Reagan's clipped tone, disapproving of her sister's suddenly snappy mood. She walked over and ripped away the blanket that covered Reagan's shoulders.

"Hey!" Reagan protested. The absence of the blanket revealed the empty bag of potato chips crumpled next to Reagan's side.

"Get up!" Kate demanded. "You're going to go take a shower and then we're going grocery shopping for real food. Not this junk." She picked up the potato chip bag between pinched fingers and wrinkled her nose.

"Please not now," Reagan groaned, flopping back down onto the couch. "I can't even think straight. I need time."

"Reagan, you start your new job in two days. You have a doctor's appointment coming up and a pregnancy to be taking care of. Just because Dave is gone doesn't mean the world stops turning."

"I never said it did," Reagan said irritably. "You know, you're being kind of harsh right now. He just left. It's been what, two hours since we said goodbye?"

Kate let out a wisp of a sigh. She sat down gingerly on the edge of the couch where Reagan's legs were and rested her hand on her sister's knee.

"I know. I know it has. But I don't want this to set the precedent for how the next five months are going to be. You have so much to prepare for."

"You think I don't know that?" Reagan asked, sitting up. "You say that like you're the one growing a kid in your uterus right now. I know what I'm up against."

"I know you do. And I know that you can handle it. But will you be happy while going through it?"

"Of course I will be. I'm just living in the moment, Kate. Dave left today. I've got to adjust." Reagan paused, envisioning the next five months of her life like a movie trailer. When the image of her cradling a big, distended pregnant belly popped into her mind, she felt a pang of anxiety.

"I'm only looking out for you," Kate reasoned. "I've got to be the one to do it, since you're not speaking to Mom and Dad."

"Don't drag them into this," Reagan sighed, pressing her hand against her temple. As if she needed reminding of that. It was already hard enough watching her little sister order her around.

"I won't," Kate said, though she hesitated. "Don't you miss them, though? Robbie, RaeLynn and Kody I mean. I know they miss you."

"Yes, I miss them. I miss them so much. But I've got a lot to deal with right now."

It did indeed put a formidable lump in Reagan's throat to think about the siblings she had left behind. Especially Robbie, who had turned out to depend on her more than she ever thought possible.

"We'll handle it later," Kate said. She had a look on her face that said 'you'll come around eventually,' though Reagan felt cold towards the idea of trying to reconnect with Kimberly. "For now, let's start small. Do you have clothes for your first day of work?"

"No," Reagan admitted. She had spent the last few weeks biding her time with Dave and had not thought once about what she'd wear for her first day starting at DGC. The only thing she knew was that her old work outfit of jeans and a t-shirt probably wasn't going to cut it.

"We should go find you something today," Kate said. "And then food. You need more than just snacks. Did you know that your body might require up to five hundred more calories a day when you're pregnant?"

"No. How do you know that?"

"I did some research when I was studying in the library."

Reagan flashed Kate a small, knowing smile to which Kate blushed furiously at.

"What?" Kate said with a sniff. "That baby isn't just any baby. That's my niece or nephew in there!"

"Right," Reagan said, giggling as she managed to pull herself up from the couch and stretch her arms above her head. She wasn't escaping Kate's to-do list anytime soon and ultimately, she knew Kate was right about it all. And the best way to distract herself from Dave's absence would definitely be concentrating her time on her responsibilities.

"Speaking of that," Kate began, standing and following Reagan into her and Dave's room. "Have you thought of any baby names?"

"Dave and I haven't talked about it yet," Reagan said, pulling her shirt over her head as she readied herself for a hot shower.

"You've known you're pregnant for almost a month and you haven't even brainstormed baby names?" Kate scoffed.

"We didn't even think," Reagan said. "Our heads were everywhere. We just got so busy trying to soak up time together."

"You mean to say that you got busy fooling around at every waking second like rabbits?"

"Shut up!"

Reagan whipped her shirt in Kate's direction and scowled, though she could feel the heat in her face as she turned her back and went into the bathroom. As she reached into the shower to turn the handle, she tried not to focus too much on what Kate had said about baby names. Reagan had already accepted the baby and was readily happy about it, but thinking about naming it, especially without Dave, set her on edge.

As much as she wanted to reassure herself that getting through the next five months would be easy, it was hard for her to look so deeply into the future while still being uncertain about everything. There were so many questions she had, many of them about what the hell was going to happen next.

Stepping into the spray of warm water coming down from the shower head, Reagan knew there was only one option that laid in plain sight in front of her.

That option in the simplest of terms was to merely get through the rest of the day.

[ lol hi, if you're sick of this story, don't worry, i am too. i know it's moving at a snail's pace and it's taken me so long to update because i have no idea what the fuck i'm doing and writing about rockstars is hard because they go on tour and disappear for months at a time. i'm doing my best to see this story through so if you're reading right now, hey, i love you. i promise i'm going to try to make things more interesting. i've got the timeline planned and since june of 2019 i've known how i want this story to go. it may take me ten years to get there, but if you're along for the ride, i really appreciate. i sincerely do ]