The sun is shining bright. It warms me to my very soul. If it didn't hurt my eyes I would keep looking at it and all its beauty. I am happy. I feel as though I can make it another day 0. Like the saying says you can't have sunshine without the rain. The rain I don't mind. I want to go out and dance in it with my hands in the air. I am still happy. Happy to my soul.
What hurts me is the dark thoughts that seem to try to creep back in. The old feelings. The old fears.
I cry and scream as though I'm a child throwing a tantrum and nobody seems to be able to hear me. I want to keep going but I feel as though I have fought so hard for so long that I have no strength left. So I fall to my knees amongst the people as i have my tantrum. They don't see me. They can no longer hear me. It's like I don't exist.
Can you do this for me?..
Can you give me...
Will you?..
Do this....
Do that...
If I were you I would....
Do you have?...
Can I have?...
Listen to this....
The only time I'm seen or heard is if someone says these things to me.
It doesn't matter how I'm feeling. It doesn't matter what im doing. Doesn't matter what I'm going through.
I give if I can all I can till I have nothing left.
So this ìs why I am on my knees crying screaming yelling until I'm bent like a pretzel. Crying and screaming till my throat is sore and I'm so hoarsed I can no longer cry and scream so now I really can't be heard.
So I just lay in my pretzel shape no longer able to cry and scream. Too drained to even move. It's cold dark and I'm in so much pain.
Don't know how long I lay there in my own agony and pain but all at once I feel this intense warmth over my body that seeps to my soul.
A feeling of calm peace and happiness pours into me. I'm no longer in the cold. It's no longer dark. I'm in pain no more.
The feeling is so intense I can't help it when the tears just silently roll down my face.
Somebody has picked me up and has my limp body in their arms rocking me like a baby.
Their voice is more amazing more wonderful then my favorite artist singing my favorite song. Their voice is so mesmerizing that my soul just wants to hear everything they have to say.
Have you ever heard something so wonderful that it pulled at your heart strings and gave you goosebumps just from the sound of it? Well that's just how they sound to me.
So I lay in their arms tired defeated just don't seem to have the strength to want to go on. I wonder what's ahead that I even want to keep fighting that I want to continue to go on to.
My child it's okay. It's going to be okay. You will be okay. I hear you. I know you and all you have went through continue to go through. One day you will see and know why. You have a purpose. You are important to me. You are not alone. When you think no one sees or hears you just know that I ALWAYS hear you. I am the very breath that you breathe. I am that feeling you get that calms you from the inside. I'm that voice in your head that drowns out the Dark thoughts. Yes I hear and know those too. I also hear your thank yous to me. I hear your praises to me. I hear your I love yous to me.
I will always be with you. Actually ahead of you to guide your steps. When you don't think you can go on I will take some of your burdens and give you my strength and courage so that you keep going.
The path that I'm leading you is full of blessings and all the love I have for you. Don't give up my child. It's okay for you to rest but rest only for a moment. Do not fear for I am with you.
I cry but this time not from pain or sorrow.
I wake up in my bed renewed again.
Don't know how long I was sleep.
I feel a lot better than I did before I went to sleep. I feel as though I can run a marathon. I just want to scream and shout and I don't care if no one hears me or see me because I know for a fact someone who loves me very much more than I know how much sees and hears me. They even hear my silent cries and tears.
I will get up and go on. I will rest but not give up.
This joy this strength that I have no one can take it from me.
I have no fear because thou art with me....
I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS ME....