I thought I only broke your trust.

I thought I could get over you, that I could move on.

I thought that it would be okay, that I would be okay.

I thought that it was what growing up was all about. You meet people, share something with them, but eventually they'll leave. And there's nothing to be sad about, that's just how it goes. Not all relationships work out, and that's okay. I should be okay. After all, I'm the bad guy in this story. Yet, it was easier to paint you as one, to point fingers at you. It was easier to blame it all on you. You were the one who did this to us, to our friendship. I would never be capable of doing something like this. You are the bad guy. You chose to leave and never come back. You left me hanging with all these things that I wanted to tell you. And all these things that I would want to tell you. And the ones I'm still dying to tell you.

If we were still friends, we'd probably be talking about our favorite tv series and movies, me not telling you that I'd either never watched them or just watched them to keep up with you. I'd go on such length to be your friend, just so that you could be mine.

Yet I thought that you'd never want to be friends with someone like me, dull and old-school. So I faked it. I faked it all. I lied, to be cooler than I was. I lied so much that I lost track of it, no longer being able to remember the previous lie I had told.

I thought it was okay. I wanted it to be okay. It had to.

I thought you wouldn't mind, that we could salvage whatever was real in our relationship. Like the way I felt about you. How I was comfortable, sharing with you my darkest and deepest secrets. Those were not lies.

I thought you wouldn't even notice, but you started questioning everything. Even the truth. You started seeing right through me, all these flaws that I had tried to keep hidden from you. Jealousy, Greed, Bossiness. A girl's best friend.

I thought it was just freshman year, that it didn't matter.

I thought I wouldn't miss you, never.

I thought I would find other friends for the rest of high school. That it would be alright.

Yet, I lied. I lied to you, and I lied to myself.

I didn't find other friends for the rest of high school. It wasn't alright.

I missed you. I still do, four years from then, as I write you this letter that you will probably never read.

It wasn't just freshman year, it mattered to me, to you and apparently to the rest of this school.

I was wrong, thinking you'll want to salvage whatever that was me underneath the lies.

It wasn't okay. It will never be.

You would actually have liked the real me

Friendship is not something that has a best before date, where people end up leaving you.

And I never found the "how to get over you" handbook. So here I am, stuck in the past.

I lied to you, and I lied to myself,

Because, I didn't just break your trust,

I broke my heart.

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We need to normalize talking about breakups with friends. These are the worst kinds of breakups.