Wednesday, December 31st 2014

Jack sat back in the worn leather armchair in Mark's parents' sitting room, next to a crackling fire. It was New Year's Eve. There were a few bottles of beer being drunk, but it was by no means a heavy one. No one had explicitly said why, but they all knew. It was Mick's anniversary mass in the morning.

He wasn't the only one with a heavy heart either. Wham Bar looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, and even Begs—who usually filled any silence—was uncharacteristically quiet.

Still, there was a comfort in the familiarity of being here, in this house, with these people. Mark sat across from him on the couch, his arm lazily draped over Laura's shoulder. Laura's younger sister, Sarah, was perched cross-legged on the floor, scrolling through her phone, her girlfriend lying beside her, her head in her lap. Jack's eyes flickered to them every so often. The casual way Sarah absentmindedly ran her fingers through her girlfriend's hair. The way Laura and Mark had no reaction to it—no whispered comments, no glances exchanged. It was so... normal.

Jack swallowed.

They were ringing in the new year together, surrounded by people who accepted them completely. And in just a few hours, Jack would be back home, pretending to be someone he wasn't. Pretending to agree with his mother as she really ramped up her efforts in the local 'No' campaign before the referendum that summer. Pretending to be a son she could still be proud of.

He hated that he was jealous of Sarah. But he was.

He wondered what his life would look like if things were different.

If his family were different.

If he were different.

'You alright, Jacko?'

He looked up, realizing Mark had been watching him. 'Yeah,' Jack said quickly, sitting up straighter. 'Just tired.'

Mark nodded like he understood. He probably did.

Across the room, Begs was arguing with Wham Bar about something, but Jack had zoned out until he caught a familiar phrase.

'You're dropping out?!' Begs blurted out, half sitting up in his chair.

Wham Bar shifted uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his neck. 'I mean, I guess I already have.'

'What?' Mark frowned. 'When did this happen?'

'A while ago,' Wham Bar admitted. 'I just... I dunno. It wasn't for me.'

Jack knew there was more to it. They all did.

'You haven't been yourself lately,' Mark continued cautiously. 'Are you okay?'

Wham Bar let out a humorless laugh, shaking his head. 'No, not really.'

Silence settled over the room. Jack noticed Sarah put down her phone. They had all stiffened uncomfortably.

Jack knew that feeling too well. That quiet confession. The relief of saying it out loud, followed instantly by regret.

'But I started seeing someone.' Wham Bar continued, 'a therapist.'

'That's good, man,' Mark said, his voice steady. 'That's really good.'

'Yeah.' added Begs, this really wasn't his thing. Jack watched on in silence. The word were right there.

Same.

He could say it. He could tell them. He had therapy every week. He knew what it felt like to sit across from a stranger and spill out all the shit you'd been carrying for years.

Wham Bar exhaled. 'I'm on meds now too—lexapro. Been on them a couple of weeks now.'

'And are you feeling any better on them?' Mark asked.

He shrugged. 'I dunno. It's slow. But yeah, I think so. Some days, anyway.'

Wham Bar shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable with the weight of his own admission. The silence stretched, and for a second, Jack thought they were all just going to let it sit there, unspoken. But then Mark ran a hand over his face and exhaled.

'Look, man... I dunno if we say this enough, but you know we're here for you, yeah?' His voice was gruff, like he was forcing the words out against some deep-rooted instinct to keep things light. 'Like, not just for pints or football or whatever. Like really here.'

Wham Bar gave a small nod, not quite meeting his eye.

Begs, who usually cracked a joke at any sign of emotional vulnerability, surprised them all by nodding too. 'Yeah. Like, I'd die for ye, but I'd never tell ye I love ye, ya know?' He coughed awkwardly, then added, 'Even though I do. No homo.' He glanced over at Sarah and his girlfriend and jokingly added, 'no offence.'

Mark snorted. 'Yeah, yeah. Same.' He glanced at Jack, eyebrows raised slightly, as if to say, 'back me up here, lad.'

Jack swallowed. He wasn't good at this either. But in that moment, sitting in the glow of the fire with the people who had always been there, who had known him before he'd even begun to figure himself out, he felt something settle in his chest. 'Same,' he muttered, but then, because it felt too small, he added, 'I don't know where I'd be without the three of ye.'

'Sorry, why was that the cutest thing ever?' interrupted Laura, defusing the tension a bit.

The clock crept closer to midnight, the TV in the background showing the countdown from College Green in Dublin. Outside, fireworks cracked in the distance. The atmosphere in the room lifted slightly, the weight of the earlier conversation settling in but not lingering in a way that ruined the night.

Jack watched as Sarah's girlfriend sat up, nudging her playfully before whispering something in her ear. Sarah smiled weakly and kissed her, like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Jack looked away.

'Ye should come down to Limerick soon. Come visit for a weekend. I can actually have guests now that I got out of digs.'

'Yeah, that'd be fun.'

Begs grinned. 'Ah, here, Limerick's grim, lad.'

'Yeah, but I'm basically a local now. I know all the best spots,' Mark countered.

Jack found himself nodding. 'Yeah, why not? I think I've finally given up looking for a decent place to live on Daft, so I'm probably just gonna stick out the rest of the year where I am. I need a few reasons not to be there on the weekends that aren't the farm.'

'That's the spirit,' Mark smirked.

The countdown began on TV.

'Ten... nine... eight...'

Jack forced a smile, forced himself to join in, forced himself to pretend for just a few minutes longer.

'Three... two... one... Happy New Year!'

Laura kissed Mark. Sarah kissed her girlfriend.

Jack just closed his eyes and wished he was someone else.