Sunday, October 5th 2014

Róisín's car smelled like fake strawberries. The kind of smell you'd find in a teenager's perfume bottle or a cheap scented candle from a petrol station. It was overpowering, clinging to the upholstery, the air thick with it.

'Sorry, it's a bit of a mess,' she said, shoving a single water bottle from the footwell into the back seat as Jack climbed in.

There was a framed picture of her dog stuck to the dashboard, two pink pom-poms dangling from the rearview mirror, and a pile of Taylor Swift CDs shoved into the door pocket. A lipstick-stained coffee cup sat in the cupholder. The whole car was aggressively, undeniably her.

'Ah, it's grand,' Jack muttered, glancing down at his phone as the lads lit up the group chat with memes at her expense. He smirked, but his stomach twisted.

'Do you wanna go somewhere?' Róisín asked, shifting gears as they pulled out of the church car park.

He hesitated.

She was a good girl. A nice girl. Pretty. Well-liked. The kind of girl his mother would approve of, the kind of girl who fit neatly into the life he was supposed to have. He wanted this to work. He thought about Ciarán back in Dublin.

He needed this to work.

'Yeah,' he said eventually. She smiled, turning the car towards the outskirts of the village.

They ended up parked near a walking trail, not far from a lake. It was bright out, just past lunchtime, the sun sitting low in the sky, filtering through the trees. A few cars were parked nearby, but no one seemed to be around.

Jack shifted in his seat, suddenly hyper aware of everything—the hum of the engine, the faint crackle of the radio, the way his palms felt too dry. Róisín leaned over, her fingers grazing the back of his neck as she kissed him.

This was good. This was normal.

Her lips moved against his, her hand slipping onto his thigh. He exhaled sharply, tilting his head to deepen the kiss. This was what he wanted.

She moved quickly, climbing over the console, straddling him in the driver's seat. Her breath was warm, her body pressed against his. He felt himself responding—barely.

'Jack,' she murmured against his mouth, her hands sliding under his shirt, tracing his stomach. 'You're so tense.'

He forced out a laugh. 'Just, eh... just not used to this in a car.'

She grinned. 'We can go outside?'

Before he could answer, she grabbed a hoodie from the back seat, threw it over her shoulders, and climbed out of the car.

Jack followed.

She led him into the trees, not far from the path but hidden enough that they wouldn't be seen. He swallowed hard. This was fine. He wanted this. He needed this.

'You OK?' Róisín turned to face him and he nodded, the sunlight catching the golden strands in her hair. She reached for the hem of her shirt, pulled it over her head, and tossed it onto the ground.

Jack inhaled slowly, forcing himself to focus.

She was beautiful. Small and soft and smiling at him in a way that made his stomach twist with something that wasn't nerves, wasn't dread—was just expectation.

He was supposed to want this.

He did want this.

He reached for her waist, pulling her closer, pressing a kiss to the dip of her shoulder, the curve of her neck.

His hands moved slowly, skimming her bare skin, tracing down her spine. He kissed her again, deeper this time, as she began to tug at his belt.

She slipped her fingers under his waistband, moving with a slow, deliberate touch, but there was nothing..

'You okay?' she whispered, kissing just below his ear.

'Yeah, just... gimme a sec,' he muttered, exhaling sharply through his nose.

She tilted her head, searching his face. 'We don't have to—'

'I want to,' he said quickly.

Because he did. He had to. But his body wasn't cooperating. He knew that his was what he was meant to be doing. This was what was supposed to feel good. But he also knew that he didn't really like Róisín. Maybe he was with the wrong girl. And he knew he could get prettier girls than her. But this was still good practice.

She nodded, reaching into her back pocket and pulling out a condom, tossing it to him. He fumbled with the packet, his fingers clumsy.

'Relax,' she giggled, running her hands over his shoulders. 'You're acting like this is your first time.'

Jack forced a grin, rolling the condom on as she lowered herself onto the hoodie she had thrown down. He followed, positioning himself over her, holding her hips as he guided himself in—

And then—

Nothing.

His body refused.

The air around him felt too thick, too hot, pressing against his skin. The trees swayed overhead, the golden light cutting through the branches.

He clenched his jaw, forcing himself to stay in it, forcing himself to move, to feel.

Come on.

Róisín moaned softly, wrapping her legs around him, pulling him closer.

His breath caught.

The leaves rustled. The sunlight flickered.

'Fuck me harder, Jack.' Although the voice wasn't Róisín's.

Jack's chest tightened. His stomach lurched.

Ciarán.

Ciarán was beneath him, looking up at him with that teasing smirk, his lip caught between his teeth.

'Go on, Jack,' he whispered, his voice low and taunting. 'No one has to know.'

Jack flinched, scrambling back, his body jolting as if he'd been burned.

'Jack?!' Róisín gasped, propping herself up on her elbows. 'What the fuck?'

His heart was hammering. His hands were shaking. He blinked—once, twice—Ciarán was gone. Just Róisín. Just him.

But his stomach churned. His skin prickled.

'I—' Jack swallowed, dragging a hand over his face. 'I heard something. I think someone's here.'

Róisín glanced around, then exhaled sharply, reaching for her hoodie. 'You're paranoid. There's no one here.'

'Still. We should go,' he muttered, yanking his jeans up, his throat tight. 'I want to go.'

Róisín sighed and looked confused, but she didn't argue; instead she pulled her shirt back over her head. Jack forced himself to move, to walk ahead of her, to act normal. But as he climbed back into the car, staring blankly out the windshield, one thought rattled through his brain— what had just happened wasn't normal.