TW: rape, abuse

DISCLAIMER: Please note that I will be using a mixture of reality and fiction when it comes to criminal procedures. This story does NOT display the proper representation of the real procedures in court. 

SHAN

"May we call Ms. Madilyn Ramos to come to the witness stand." 

Seeing her, the victim in this case, gather all her courage to stand up and go in front as a witness made my heart drop. She still looked devastated and scared, but she told me she was ready to stand in court if that would help put Miguel behind bars. 

She took the oath and introduced herself before I asked her questions. "What was your relationship with Miguel Villaflor before the incident?" 

"We were friends for a year because of common friends." Her hands were shaking as she answered. 

"How was Miguel Villaflor as a friend?" I asked again. 

She told us that he portrayed himself as a nice guy who was always there to help. Nadala rin sila sa storya niya tungkol sa pamilya niya, lalo na sa Mommy niya. She said he liked joking around and partying and was easy to get along with. 

I stated the date of the incident. It was a house party in Villaflor's mansion in Quezon City. May bahay rin sila roon pero si Miguel lang ang naroon madalas. I asked what happened that night. I knew it was an uncomfortable question, but she told me that she was ready to answer beforehand. 

"We were with our other friends that night. The party started around ten o'clock in the evening. It was my first time attending one of Miguel's house parties, so I was shocked to see how everyone acted. They offered me a drink, and I accepted it. After three cups, I told Miguel I had to go because I was not feeling well. Miguel handed me another cup and told me just to relax a bit. Minutes after drinking that cup, I felt dizzy. Everything was spinning. Miguel asked if I was okay, then he carried me to his room so I could rest..." 

She started crying. I stared at her as she cried and tried to tell the rest of the story. My chest was hurting, but I had to maintain my composure. She told us that Miguel looked like he wasn't himself and even had a deadly weapon with him to threaten her. She tried to get away from him but she lost consciousness after he hit her in the face twice. She went to the hospital as soon as she regained consciousness. 

"What examinations or tests did they conduct?" 

"Physical examination. The OB-gyne examined my private part too. I also went through a drug test." 

"What happened after you got your results?" 

"The doctors were alarmed and called the police. Then, my dad and I filed a formal complaint against Miguel Villaflor."

"No further questions, Your Honor." 

I went back to my seat as it was the defense attorney's turn for cross-examination of the witness. Amethyst walked in front in confidence. 

"During a year of friendship, did you have any arguments with Miguel Villaflor?" the defense asked. 

"Objection, Your Honor. Relevance," I said. "The question is not related to the incident." 

"Sustained." 

"You mentioned that it was your first time going to Miguel Villaflor's house party. Why did you decide to go?" she asked now. 

"Because Miguel was sulking about me not going every time he would ask me to go. The night before, he told me we can no longer be friends if I don't go." 

"You do not want to lose Miguel Villaflor as a friend, am I correct?" 

"At that time, yes."

"Because you know that he is a nice person and would never do anything to harm you, am I right?"

"Objection, Your Honor. Leading." Why was Amethyst being not like herself? 

"Sustained." 

She went on and on about the victim's friendship with Miguel like she wanted to establish that they had a bad relationship that would put the victim into lying, but she did not succeed. 

My next witness was the doctor who examined the victim. She told us the results of the examination and tests they conducted. She confirmed that she indeed suffered a laceration, and she also had a bruise on her face. She also confirmed that there was a presence of a drug in her urine test. I also presented the documents needed from the hospital to confirm that everything she was saying was true. May mga litrato pa roon. 

The police also found drugs in Miguel Villaflor's home. I also presented them to prove further that it was the same drug used on the victim. It was not looking pretty well for Miguel. My next witness was a friend who was also there at the party. Her story was consistent with the victim's story. She confirmed that the victim was not looking well that night, and she saw Miguel taking her upstairs. She also confirmed that Miguel was selling them party drugs. 

Finally, the moment I had been waiting for... Miguel Villaflor was called to the witness stand. I was already jotting down notes on my paper aggressively. I was picking on everything he was saying. His story was all over the place. Hindi pinag-isipan. I expected Amethyst to prepare her client better than this.

"Madilyn is very important to me. I would never do something like that. I just carried her upstairs for her to rest, and then I left. I couldn't remember what happened after that. My friend said I fell asleep on the couch and-"

"Objection, Your Honor. Hearsay," I said in annoyance. 

"Sustained." 

"What happened after you left the room?" Amy asked.

"After I left the room, my friends made me drink more until I passed out. I didn't know how I ended up in the same bed as her. Maybe my friends carried me upstairs-"

"Objection, Your Honor. Speculation. He is unsure and jumping to conclusions," I cut him off again.

"Sustained."

"Why do you think you passed out?" Amy asked again.

"I was also drugged that night. Someone must have drugged me-"

"Objection, Your Honor. Speculation." 

"What is your problem?!" he yelled at me now.

The side of my lips rose, giving him a sarcastic smirk. Fuck you. 

When it was finally my turn for cross-examination, I took a deep breath to calm myself down before going in front to question him. I had so many questions I prepared. 

"Mr. Miguel Villaflor, what time did the house party end?" 

"Objection, Your Honor. Relevance."

"Your Honor, the question is to determine the consistency of the witness' answers," I said. 

"Overruled."

Amethyst sighed and massaged her head. She probably knew her client will just ruin things for himself. I knew how stupid Miguel was. It would be so easy to catch him. 

"It was around four o'clock in the morning when everyone went home," he answered. 

"How do you know this when you claimed that you passed out?" I asked again. 

"I woke up again at midnight because I noticed my friends leaving and wanted to say goodbye."

"How did you end up in your room again, on the same bed as the victim?" 

"I was just so sleepy when I went to my room and did not notice her there. I fell asleep on my bed as usual." 

"So, you are saying that you did not notice a five-foot-three person in your bed when you went to your room while still awake, but you noticed your friends leaving at four o'clock in the morning even though you were asleep, am I correct?" 

"Yes." That was probably the dumbest shit I ever heard. Nakita kong napasapo sa noo niya si Amethyst. She knew this would happen. 

"Mr. Miguel Villaflor, have you been in relationships before?" I asked.

"Objection, Your Honor. Relevance," Amy objected.

"Sustained." 

"Let me rephrase that. Mr. Miguel Villaflor, did you have violent tendencies before with your classmates, friends, partners, or even strangers?" 

"No, no... I could never hurt anybody," he lied to my face. I got so pissed. He really was horrible. 

I asked for a piece of submitted evidence to be presented in court. There were multiple videos and articles about him being violent in public. The first video was of him in a club, punching a waiter for "disrespecting" him and his friends. 

"How would you explain your behavior in this video, Mr. Miguel Villaflor?" 

He didn't know what to answer. 

I wanted to prove that he had violent tendencies before, so it was not impossible for him to force someone into sexual intercourse using his strength and that the bruise on the victim's face came from him. After the trial, I waited outside the restroom for Amethyst. Nagulat pa siya nang paglabas niya ay naroon ako. 

"I do not want to talk to you, Prosecutor Lopez," sabi niya kaagad at nilagpasan ako pero humarang ulit ako sa dinaraanan niya.

"What's wrong with you today, Attorney?" I asked, raising a brow. 

"Mind your own business." Inirapan niya ako. "I'm just doing my job."

"Lousily." 

"Objection. Speculation," sabi niya sa akin at tinulak ako para tumabi sa dadaanan niya. Napailing na lang ako nang panoorin ko siyang maglakad paalis. 

It was not an easy fight. The Villaflors tried to buy my principles with money. They wanted me to bury the evidence. They blackmailed me about what I did in the past, but I did not give in. I knew I had to continue fighting, or I would just be a part of the system I was fighting against. 

And then it finally happened. Miguel was found guilty of rape and sentenced to reclusion perpetua. 

When the verdict was announced, Miguel started crying. I almost rolled my eyes because he would not accept it. He was shouting in the court, saying he was framed. Tumayo ako at niligpit ang gamit ko. I stopped when he suddenly went to me and held onto my polo. Nagkagulo bigla sa korte.

"Why are you doing this to me?!" he said, crying while the security was pulling him in his arms.

I didn't talk and just looked down at him. He was suddenly out of his mind. He pushed the security away and fell down to the floor on his knees.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't do this to me, please... Please," nakaluhod na sabi niya sa harapan ko. His hands were holding onto my ankles. Tumaas ang isang kilay ko habang pinapanood siya. "I'm sorry!" 

"Disgusting," bulong ko. 

Inalis ko ang hawak niya sa akin at tuloy-tuloy lang na naglakad paalis while the guards dragged him out. He kept on yelling my name but I refused to look back. 

That night, I sighed out of relief while drinking on my condo's balcony. I knew it wasn't the end. The fight was just starting.

But at least there was progress.

Alam kong naging mainit na ang mga mata ng mga Villaflor sa akin simula noon, pero nagpatuloy pa rin ako. I was not scared of them. Wala na silang mailalaban sa akin. I had nothing else to lose but my life. 

In the past years, a lot already happened. Tita Erin died... and I helped my sister go to the U.S to get away from Alfred. I really thought he could never do that to her. Good thing I was still vigilant. I knew how much it hurt my sister mentally, emotionally, and physically. My anger just grew more and more. 

I always visited Sevi's mom to make sure she was getting better after what Alfred did. I tried to do everything because I somehow felt responsible for everything... even Tita Erin's death. Pinahirapan ko ang sarili ko. I lived, trying to blame myself for not doing enough to stop Alfred. I just let him be even after everything he did to me. 

And that was why I couldn't detach myself from Miguel. I knew I had to put an end to him because more and more people will be affected in the future. I couldn't make the same mistakes again.

Until it wasn't just him anymore. I studied law to give justice to the victims... because I was a victim myself, too... but was it really just that? 

I wanted to do something good. I wanted to do the right thing. I wanted to redeem myself for everything I did in the past. For hurting a lot of people. 

I knew my job would bring me closer to death... but I was not scared of dying. 

I was, instead, scared of seeing other people suffer and die. 

"Rest in paradise, Jewel... Run free in dog heaven," I whispered after putting a flower on top of her grave. Kuya Roel and I stood there, staring at the ground. I cried so hard last night kaya mugto pa rin ang mga mata ko. "Kuya Roel... Don't die before me." 

"Hindi naman natin alam 'yan, Sir. Hindi ko maipapangako 'yan," sabi niya sa akin. 

"You can't die before me, and we can't die together. Paano si Elyse?" I was pertaining to the family that will be left for Elyse. Kuya Roel was already part of our family. 

"Mabubuhay tayo nang matagal, Sir." 

The idea of staying alive scared me more than dying, because everything in the future was uncertain. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pwedeng mangyari sa akin mamaya, bukas, sa susunod na linggo, sa susunod na taon. 

Every day, I would wake up, go to work, and then go home and still work. It wasn't an easy job. Good thing I already let go of the coffee shop, although it also broke my heart. The coffee shop was a part of me... and a part of my mom.

My days became a cycle. I couldn't hang out with my friends that much because after Miguel's case, everything became harder. Hiro also already had his own family. Hindi na kami pwedeng palaging magkasama at lumalabas. Haze also had his own life. Ganoon din si Acel. 

"She's my neighbor!" reklamo ko kay Hiro pagkalipat ko sa bago kong condo. I wanted a condo closer to the office where I was working so I wouldn't have to wake up too early to go to work. 

But fuck, what were the chances that my ex would be living next door? 

"Don't you want that? You seem to like her still," pang-aasar niya sa akin. 

"She just accused me of stalking her, bro." Napailing ako. "I don't think this is good. Should I move again?"

"Oh, come on. You spent so much money on that unit. Just ignore... if you can." Nang-aasar pa rin ang tono niya. 

The Amethyst case was already stressing me out, and now this? I just ignored it, just like what Hiro said. The case was not going so well. The main suspect, Mackoy, did not want to admit his relationship with Villaflor. He had two other accomplices, but I thought the other two didn't know anything and just went on with the job because of Mackoy. Mackoy was their boss in a small gang. 

I was so mad I hit the steering wheel with my fist when I heard they pleaded guilty to avoid a trial. I could not go deeper into it anymore. They already admitted it. Wala nang dapat imbestigahan. Ang intent... sabi nila ay galit si Mackoy kay Amethyst dahil pinaglalaban niya raw ang mga kriminal kaya nila binaril. No mention about the governor. He had them on their necks. 

Still... I couldn't just leave it like that. I started investigating by myself. Lahat ng baho ni Villaflor, inaalam ko. I knew I could make use of it in the future. No one else was doing it... so I had to do it. 

"You need a ride?" alok ko kay Kierra. "Where are you headed to?"

"Rizal. I'll just book a ride." 

"I'm going to Rizal too." Natigilan siya at lumingon sa akin. I was going to look at some properties of governor Villaflor. They were named after a different person. I wanted to find that person, too, if they really existed. 

Kalix was helping me find the documents I needed. He gave me everything he had on Villaflor. He also had his eyes on him long ago because of the death threats Amethyst had received. 

"Come on, ask her to dance," sabi sa akin ni Haze. Wedding reception nina Kalix at Luna. It was time for everyone to dance in the middle, but Kierra just sat alone. Pareho kami. 

"I won't do that," sabi ko sa kaniya. Nakita kong inaya na siya ni Acel sumayaw. Napailing ako at napainom na lang ng champagne. 

"You're a fucking coward." If he was trying to provoke me, it didn't work! 

Nagulat ako nang hatakin ako ni Haze para dalhin doon sa gitna. Tinulak niya ako kay Kierra. I didn't know what to do! My heart was pounding, just by standing close to her. 

"Would you like to dance?"

I finally said it before she walked away. Mabuti na lang at pumayag siya kahit mukhang napilitan lang. I had the chance to dance with her again after years. It reminded me so much of the past. Our past. 

Only that this time, she was not as happy to be with me. 

"I don't have plans to get a girlfriend," I told her when she asked me about it. "Or even get married... How about you?"

I didn't want to get married... because I knew how dangerous it was to be with me. Mainit ang mga mata sa akin. Ayaw ko nang mangdamay ng iba pa. I also couldn't love anyone else but her... but I couldn't put her in that position again. I cannot have her and then just lose her again. Mas gusto kong sarilihin na lang ang trahedyang naghihintay sa akin.  

And it was not like she still had feelings for me. She was mad and hurt. Everything she felt was valid and justified. I deserved all of those. 

"I want to get married." 

That hurt... because I knew it was never going to be me. I could never watch her walk in the aisle... dahil hindi ko alam kung may bukas pang naghihintay sa akin. 

At least... I would still be happy to witness her marriage. Kierra had a great heart... a kind and loving heart. It would put me at ease to watch her marry someone she truly loved and would take care of her more than I did. Someone who would love her more than I did. Someone whose life was not at stake. Someone she would feel safe with. 

The idea of her being with another man was painful, but I needed to remind myself that it was not impossible. Mangyayari at mangyayari 'yon. I knew it was not me anymore. It could never be me anymore. 

But I still cared for her. "Shit, you're burning," sabi ko nang ilagay ang kamay ko sa noo niya. "You should eat."

"Wala akong gana." 

Parang pakiramdam ko ay may sakit din ako tuwing nakikita ko siyang ganoon. I started taking the food out of the paper bag so she would eat. 

"Go to work. Just leave me alone," she said. "What else do you want to hear for you to leave?" She stared at me with no emotion in her eyes. 

'What else do you want to hear for you to leave?' I told her that years ago when I was pushing her away. 

That was my cue to leave. She was not comfortable with me. "Alright... I need to go to work anyway."

I went to work but I couldn't stop worrying about her. Ilang beses kong pinilit ang sarili kong hayaan na lang siya pero nagmamadali pa rin akong umuwi para magluto ng pagkain dahil alam kong wala siyang energy para magluto ng sarili. I even searched some food for people who were sick. Hindi na nga rin ako nakapagbihis galing sa trabaho.

I packed them in containers before going to her unit. 

"Dinner," seryosong sabi ko nang buksan niya ang pinto. 

"Huh?"

"I know you haven't eaten dinner. I cooked." I showed her the containers. "If... If you want to... Uh... taste them."

I felt pathetic. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ba ginagawa 'to. 

"Thanks." Finally. She accepted them. "Ano pa?"

"Can I... wait for you to be finished? I... Uh... I need the containers back." I wanted to make sure she was going to eat the food. 

I went inside and sat at the same table as her. I just watched her eat and felt so happy when she said my food tasted good. 

"You're good at everything. Give me something you're bad at."

Love was the first thing that popped into my mind. "I'm the worst at love."

Love... was something I couldn't grasp when I was a kid. I didn't even believe in love and I never saw myself loving someone. It was my first time experiencing love... and it was with her. It was the first time. It couldn't be perfect. I was not used to loving someone. Sometimes, I would think that maybe I should not have tried... Maybe she wouldn't get hurt anymore. I could just love her from afar and admire her without holding her in my arms again. 

Sevi had his bachelor's party in Vegas. We didn't have plans but to drink all night. Kami ang bahala sa lahat ng expenses dahil party 'yon para sa kaniya. During dinnertime, we went to a famous steakhouse dressed in suits. Iyon ang napagkasunduan. 

"Eat up, gentlemen. It's going to be a long night," sabi ni Hiro. 

"I wonder what they're doing right now..." Hindi maiwasan ni Kalix mag-alala kay Luna. Well, she was pregnant. Talagang mag-aalala siya. 

"Okay lang naman siguro sila. May tiwala ako kina Via!" sabi ni Arkin. "Kumain na lang tayo."

"Hindi nga tayo kino-contact..." sabi ni Sevi na abala rin sa phone niya para i-check. "Ang saya-saya siguro nila." 

"I'm actually worried for the girls because of Sam. She always had some wild plans," Clyden said before drinking wine. 

"Oh, come on. They're going to be fine! Let's focus on our party!" sabi ko sa kanila. 

After dinner, we went to the casino and played some games. I actually won and doubled my money. Nag-quit ako kaagad at hindi na sinugal 'yon dahil baka mawala pa ulit. I also didn't want to become addicted to it. Mapapasama lang ako. Afterward, we went to a bar and started drinking our souls out. 

Hindi naman sila mahirap lasingin. I knew they were already drunk when Kalix started talking a lot, Clyden started laughing hard at anything we said, Sevi kept dancing and shooting imaginary balls, and Arkin kept singing in front with the jazz band. 

"I think you're drunk," Hiro told Clyden.

Clyden laughed again and pointed at Hiro. "No, you are drunk!" Then he laughed and laughed. Napakunot ang noo ko habang pinapanood siya. Ang saya-saya niya naman. 

"Dude, he's funny." Natawa na lang din si Hiro. 

"No, you are funny!" sabi ulit ni Clyden. 

"Doc, what are the negative effects of alcohol?" I asked, teasing him. 

My lips parted when he really started reciting them. Hindi lang 'yon, he went on about the diseases we could get. He started a whole ass lecture about it. 

"Cy, can you fucking shut up? You're making my head hurt. My head was already hurting ever since we landed. I think I have jet lag. I didn't have time to sleep in the hotel room before dinner, so I think I'm very sleepy right now. By the way, what was the name of the steakhouse we ate at earlier? It was very delicious and..." Kalix would not stop talking.

"Woo-hoo!" Sevi was the only one dancing and clapping right in front of the stage to support Arkin singing a Michael Bublé song. "Best friend ko 'yan! That's my fucking best friend, gago!" 

"Let's get tattoos," I told Clyden. Nilabas ko ang phone ko para video-han sila dahil minsan lang sila maging ganito. I couldn't help but laugh, thinking about how their partners would react. 

"No, no! I don't want a tattoo!" tanggi niya kaagad at tumawa ulit. "Tattoo a dick on your forehead, man... Tangina mo! Ha-ha-ha!" 

"Ano?" tanong ko para ulitin niya. 

"Dito, oh... Gago, paulit-ulit." Tinuro niya ang noo niya. "Wait, wait... Tattoo something on my forehead!" 

"What do you want?" tanong din ni Hiro.

"Samantha." He started spelling her name on his forehead, tracing it with his finger. "No, too long. Just Sam. S-A-M..." 

"Fucking dumbass! I wouldn't do that!" sabi ni Kalix sa kaniya at tinulak ang mukha niya. "Don't do that! Put it in your chest instead... That's more... romantic, Cy. Sam on your chest... so she's in your heart. Ha-ha!" 

"Okay, let's go. Let's find another bar," aya ni Hiro. Sinundo na niya si Arkin at Sevi roon sa stage at hinatak pababa. Ayaw pa ngang magpaawat kaya hinawakan niya ang dalawa sa collar ng polo at hinatak na lang patalikod. Naghampasan pa 'yong dalawa kaya pumagitna muna siya para pigilan. "Enough, kids." 

Kinabukasan, nagpunta naman kami sa mga tourist spots kahit mga lasing sila. We even went to a photo studio and had a photoshoot in suits to remember Sevi's bachelor party. Noong gabi, uminom na naman kami. 

Nakahiga na lang ang iba sa sahig ng hotel, lasing na. The hotel had a jacuzzi indoors so kami ni Hiro ay nasa jacuzzi, walang suot na pantaas. Si Arkin ay kumakain pa ng midnight snack habang si Sevi ay nakahiga na lang sa sahig kasama si Kalix at Clyden.

"If you could associate a word with your lover, what would it be without explaining it?" Hiro asked everyone. "Mine would probably be 'sky.'"

"Moon," sabi ni Kalix. Of course. 

"Sunset," Arkin answered.

"Hmm... Home," sagot ni Sevi. 

"Light," Clyden said. "How about you, Shan?"

"I don't have a lover." Natawa na lang ako. 

"Kierra?" tanong ni Arkin. "Hindi mo na ba siya mahal?" 

I didn't know how to answer that. They were all looking at me, waiting for me to say something. I just gave them a small smile. 

"Serenity," I said. 

That was what I felt with her. Kierra brought me warmth, peace, calmness, and colors. The days I had with her were the best days of my life. They said... if a person died, their good memories will flash back into their mind. Mine will probably be my memories with her. 

The night was still long. We didn't stop there... and it was clearly not a good idea. Lahat sila ay tulala na lang sa airport. 

Watching my sister get married made me so happy... because I knew she chose the right man to spend the rest of her days with. They were right for each other. Sevi was already part of her family... so I wouldn't worry too much about her losing Kuya Roel or me. She was also having a baby. I couldn't describe the genuine happiness I felt for her. She was going to build her own family eventually. 

So I hoped my absence wouldn't hurt too much. 

I decided to walk around the garden during the reception, and I found Kierra holding a flower while walking on the red carpet barefooted. 

"What are you doing?" Nagulat siya nang lingunin ako. "Re-creating a wedding?" I guessed. That made me smile. 

She looked so embarrassed and wanted to stop, but I held her hand and told her to continue. She stared at me for a moment before shyly looking away. Sabay kaming napaangat ang tingin nang biglang pumatak ang ulan. 

But that did not stop us. Pumunta ako sa harapan para panoorin siyang maglakad papunta sa kinaroroonan ko, kahit hindi naman iyon ang intensyon niya. I wanted to watch her walk in the aisle... and pretend that it was me... the guy she would marry.

I had mixed feelings while watching her. She was so beautiful and her smile was enough to make my heart skip a beat. In my mind, we were marrying each other. 

She was trying so hard not to laugh while walking. Pareho na kaming basang-basa ng ulan pero wala kaming pakialam. I just watched her as she walked closer and closer. I couldn't help but smile when she smiled too.

"Basa 'yong carpet!" reklamo niya.

"It's okay! Just walk!" I yelled so she could hear me. 

Don't mind the rain... the dark sky... the wet dress and the wet flowers. Just walk... walk to me. Walk until we meet at the end of the aisle. That was what I wanted to say. 

When she stopped in front of me, she smirked proudly, hindi na nahihiya ngayon. 

"The man you will marry must be so lucky to watch you walk down the aisle."

It was just so unfortunate that it was not me... but at least I had the chance to see and feel what it would be like to watch her walk down the aisle while I waited at the end of it... Because that was my last chance. 

Alam kong hindi na 'yon mangyayari sa susunod. Inisip kong iyon na ang huli... dahil wala naman na kaming planong maging malapit ulit sa isa't isa. Masakit man pero mas masakit ang umasa sa bagay na hindi naman matutupad. 

But I couldn't help but kiss her when she started crying. It was a soft kiss that made both of us so confused. One kiss... and we were all over each other again. 

We didn't plan this. I also didn't plan for this to happen. I was confused about everything too. Marami pang kailangan ayusin. Ang dami ko pang kailangang linawin sa kaniya... but I was scared to face it. 

"Mag-usap tayo," she told me. I got so nervous but I knew this day would come. 

I tensed up a bit, but I still could not say no because I knew she deserved the truth from me. "When and where?"

"Ten o'clock. Rooftop." 

I mentally prepared myself for that conversation, because I knew it would never be easy to admit everything that happened before. Akala ko kaya ko nang kalimutan na lang lahat ng 'yon... pero hindi pwede dahil apektado siya sa nangyari. She deserved to know everything.

For years, I just wanted to live and be known as some guy who destroyed her in the past, so I wouldn't have to explain everything and re-live those moments again... but I realized I was a coward.

I didn't want to face it. I wanted to escape reality after convincing myself for years that what happened was okay because it was my fault in the first place. I was scared to admit everything I did.

I didn't want her to hate me, but she already did because of how I broke her heart. I didn't have anything to lose. 

I told her everything... and made it clear that I was not hoping for us to get back together. I did not want to ruin her life again. Being with me was enough danger. I didn't want to risk her. 

If I lose her... I don't know what will happen to me. I can't... Inaamin kong mas malakas siya sa akin dahil ako, alam kong hindi ko kakayanin kapag siya ang nawala sa akin. 

But we just could not stay away from each other. Being friends was not a good idea, but if that would let me be close to her, then I was willing to take it. Anything. I still wanted to be with her... but with space. We were both scared. Our relationship was full of uncertainties. 

Pinag-isipan ko nang matagal kung sasama ba ako sa Paris. I knew that would just bring us closer to each other. 

But I didn't know what could happen the next day. I would choose to spend the rest of my days with her than regret it later. Kahit ilang araw, linggo, buwan, o taon na lang ang natitira sa akin, mas pipiliin ko pa ring gumising kasama siya. At least I could die... with no regrets. 

I brought her to the Eiffel Tower at night. It was one of the best nights of my life. I had the chance to dance with her and hold her again. 

For weeks, I had been longing for her... to hold her in my arms again, but I stopped myself because I couldn't risk it. I was being a coward again. I was escaping again.

But this time, I won't anymore. 

Because I would rather spend the rest of my days with her than be taken away without having to hold her one last time. I can't go without having to see her smile and laugh again. I can't go without having to feel her love again. I wanted to give everything to her dahil hindi ko alam kung kailan ko pa magagawa 'yon. I could be gone tomorrow, or the next day, the next week, the next month... Para akong hinahabol. 

Time was running faster for me... so I had to move. I had to run with it. Because it was running faster, I knew it could also stop sooner for me. 

"I still love you," I whispered. 

And I will always do. I already went beyond. I could not walk back anymore. I will forever be in infinity, hoping my love will transcend time and space... even when I'm gone. 

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:)