TW: abuse

"Is that for Kierra?"

Napalingon ako sa Daddy ni Kierra habang ginagawa ko ang Christmas drink na ireregalo ko sa kaniya. I just went out for a bit to buy some ingredients and took advantage of the fact that Kierra was inside her room the whole time, resting after eating breakfast. 

"Yes, Tito. Would you like some?" I asked, ready to make another one.

"No, it's okay. Mahilig ka pala sa ganiyan?" Sumandal siya sa may lamesa habang pinapanood ako, nakangiti nang tipid. "What's your plan for the future?"

"Oh, I plan to become a lawyer. Part-time lang po ang pagiging barista and a coffee shop owner," pagpapaliwanag ako. "I am trying my best to save money for my personal expenses." 

"Wow, that's good, ah. Good luck with that..." Tinapik niya ang balikat ko at bumalik sa pwesto niya. "You know, Shan... I also asked him about these things..."

I suddenly stopped what I was doing and stiffened. I knew who he was talking about. He didn't need to mention it. 

"He didn't say anything about his future plans for himself. Instead, he just said he was planning to marry my daughter... I'm not a strict father, but after what happened, I wished that I was..." He sighed heavily. 

"It's not your fault, Tito..." He looked like he was blaming himself. 

"Those promises turned into ashes that Kierra was slowly trying to pick up. I love her a lot... and that's why, as her dad, I'm asking you to please... Please take care of her." His voice almost broke. He was trying his best not to tear up. "I failed to do that. I was not powerful enough to turn things around so up until now, she's still living in fear." 

"He is going to jail."  I held the edge of the countertop tightly, putting my weight on it. "I know he will... He deserves it." 

"When you become a lawyer, please do not be blinded by power." He gave me a small smile. "People with no power need you to be beside them." 

I never planned to be like my father or the Villaflors. I wanted to oppose them... and that was the only thing keeping me going. I wanted to give up on law school a lot of times. I just started it for fun, but I realized my purpose little by little. 

Pagkatapos kong ibigay kay Kierra ang regalo ko, nagpalit na rin ako noong matchy sweater para sa picture-taking. "Suotin mo 'yong Santa hat," bulong sa akin ni Kierra. 

"Basta suotin mo 'yong reindeer headband, susuotin ko 'to," bulong ko pabalik. 

"Weh? Promise mo 'yan, ha! Bawal nang bawiin!"

Sumama ako sa family picture nila kahit hindi naman ako miyembro ng pamilya. It was still heartwarming to be with them, different from what I felt during the family picture with my dad. 

After that, we were finally allowed to eat lunch. Pinauna ko na muna sila at binantayan 'yong mga batang pinsan ni Kierra. Buhat-buhat ko 'yong isa habang kinukuhanan siya ng pagkain. His mom was busy cooking food. May ihahabol pang pagkain. 

While I was getting food, I saw Kierra with that man. The one from the coffee shop. Iyong palagi niyang kasama. Umiwas din ako kaagad para hindi siya mailang sa tingin ko. 

She introduced the guy to her relatives as "Theo" before they got food. I noticed that he was feeling shy and embarrassed, hindi sanay na narito. Wala siyang maupuan kaya nag-insist na ako, tutal wala namang nakaupo sa tabi ko. 

"Ah, Shan, si Theo, friend ko sa UST. Theo, si Shan." She didn't introduce me as her friend this time. I shook his hand and smiled a bit.

I could feel his stare while I was putting alcohol on Kierra's hand. He might feel out of place, so I also asked if he wanted some. I was never jealous. I felt bad for him since he was in a new environment and looked so awkward. 

After eating, I just played with the kids while Kierra went out with Theo. Sumilip ako sa bintana at nakita silang naglalakad-lakad sa beach. He should already confess his feelings. It was the right time and the right place... but I doubted that he would because he probably noticed that there was something going on with Kierra and me, although it was still uncertain.

If I were him, I would still confess. Ewan. Diskarte na niya 'yan. 

When they returned, Kierra still looked so happy, so I concluded that he didn't confess. I asked if they needed water since they walked a little far from the villa. They might be thirsty. I was already so used to serving Kierra everything she needed. 

Theo was still sitting awkwardly, looking around. "Bro, do you play cards?" I started a conversation just to make him feel at ease with the environment. 

"Ah, oo. Anong laro ba? Pusoy dos?" 

"Let's play that with the uncles. Gusto rin nila, eh." Inaya ko siya papunta kina Tito para masali siya sa laro namin. He slowly relaxed his shoulders, feeling comfortable with Kierra's family. They were really nice people, so I also wanted him to get along with them. 

"Panalo na naman!" Theo cheered and we high-fived. Tawa pa kami nang tawa dahil palaging natatalo ang Tito ni Kierra. "P're, ano'ng sasabihin ko?"

"Hmm... Higher 'yan," hula ko. 

"Sige, higher." Tama na naman kami kaya naghampasan kami ng braso at nagtulakan doon. Muntik pa siyang mahulog sa upuan kaya nagtawanan kami. "Kukuha ako ng tubig. Gusto mo?" alok niya rin sa akin. "Kayo po, Tito?" 

"Get me a soda!" sigaw ko nang tumayo na siya at pumunta sa kusina. 

"Wala nang soda rito, tangek! Juice na lang!" sigaw niya pabalik sa akin. 

He was such a good person and easy to get along with. We became friends in the end. There was no reason not to. I didn't treat it as a competition since we just wanted the same thing for Kierra at the end of the day. Her happiness. 

Kierra and I had the chance to be alone in her room dahil tumakas ako sa mga Tito niya. Gusto pa rin nilang maglaro ng baraha dahil hindi sila manalo-nalo. Sabi ko na lang ay pagod na ako at ang sakit na ng ulo ko kahit hindi naman. 

"Seloso ka ba?"

Naguluhan ako sa tanong niya... or more like surprised that she asked. "I don't think so... Why would you ask?" I laughed a bit. I never saw myself as an envious person. I grew up with my dad giving Elyse the treatment he never gave me when I was a kid... but still, I never had bad feelings towards my sister.  

"Wala... Hindi ka ba nagselos kay Theo? Uh... Kanina?" She looked so cute and shy with her question that I couldn't help but laugh a bit. 

"No, Kierra... He's your friend, and I know that he's important to you. There's no need for me to be jealous."

But I eventually realized that she was asking because her ex was probably the jealous type. She told me before that he would get mad at her for being friends with guys. The same people she knew ever since high school. 

Personally, I always respected my boundaries as well. They were the people she knew before I came... so I couldn't see the reason why I wouldn't want her to hang out with them. 

Cheating? No one could simply "prevent" their partner from cheating just because they wanted them to stop hanging out with their friends. If they wanted to cheat, they will, under any circumstances, kahit sino pa ang kasama. In the end, they were the ones making the decision whether to cheat or not. My dad made that decision. My mom made that decision despite them having me. Despite all the arguments, the screaming, the throwing of things. They chose to do that. 

"What if someone... like... a stranger asks for my number?" Did he also get mad at her when a stranger asked for her number? 

"If you feel uncomfortable, I'll step in... but if you feel okay and like the guy, that's already your decision. We're not... together anyway..."

I didn't know what to call our relationship. I knew we were taking it slow, and I was definitely okay with that. Just... sometimes... I wouldn't know what to call her. Friends? We were more than that. Lovers? Not much. Probably less. We were so close to crossing that line, but we still couldn't leap. 

Slow-dancing with her was probably my favorite thing to do. Hearing her giggles as she turned around made me smile. Holding her like that... I wished it could last beyond forever. 

I think my heart just skipped a bit when I pulled her back after lowering her to the floor. She gave me a smile that reached her eyes while giggling. I stared at her eyes and had the urge to kiss again, but I stopped myself. Instead, I hugged her tightly and caressed her hair while swaying slowly. I was so sure that she could feel my heartbeat at that moment. 

"You smell good," bulong ko sa kaniya. 

"Thank you! Ikaw rin. Ano b'ang pabango mo?" She continued sniffing my chest as a joke. 

I had no idea what happened but Kierra's mom just booked a ticket bound to Jeju for me. Gusto nila akong sumama sa kanila para mag-celebrate ng New Year. Kailangan ko tuloy pumuntang Manila para kumuha ng mga damit, and also to buy some because my wardrobe was not ready for winter. 

From: Ericka

I heard you were with a girl at the mall today!!!! Who's that?!?! 

From: Helen

YOOOO I THOUGHT YOU'RE ALREADY DONE WITH THAT PHASE WHAT IS THIS CIANDREI 

From: Arman

Sino na namang chicks mo bro

I was on the couch that night since Kierra was sleeping inside my room. Nakatulog na siya kakanood ng movie so I just tucked her in bed before going out. I massaged my temples while reading the messages sent to me by my friends. 

To: Haze

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL MY FRIENDS

From: Haze

I just told Hiro 

From: Haze

Why are you yelling dude you're hurting my feelings

To: Hiro

DID YOU TELL ANYONE ELSE

From: Hiro

I just asked Ericka about it HAHAHAHA

And she probably told everyone. The chain of gossip just started. Simula na ng pagmamasid nila sa akin. Ah, it won't be safe to go out anymore. It was such a good thing that we were bound to Jeju. My friends wouldn't be there. 

I woke up early the next day to go to the gym. Habang naroon ako, nakasalubong ko pa si Neil. He was asking me about the woman I was with at the mall. 

"You don't know her," I told him. "And we're not... We're not together..." We were just friends... or something. 

"Of course! Hindi ka naman nagjo-jowa, eh!" He laughed. "You despise having serious relationships. Give it two weeks, wala na naman 'yan. Hindi ka ba napapagod, bro?" 

I couldn't talk because it was already over two weeks, and I was still here. After talking shit about love and relationships, I felt embarrassed. Kinakain ko na mga salita ko. 

"It's not like that," I whispered. 

It wasn't like that, yes, because I just carried Kierra to the dining and prepared breakfast for her as soon as I went up to my unit. Dinala ko rin siya sa coffee shop at tinuruan kung paano gumawa ng latte. We even baked cookies. I enjoyed every second of it. I was really not who I used to be. 

Because I liked her. I liked her a lot. I liked her so much. There were no words to describe how much I liked her. 

"I like you... I mean, I like it too." If only I was brave enough to tell her. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, getting frustrated. "Why can't you just say it?" I whispered to myself. 

***

"Because it's hard for me to finally admit that I'm falling for someone new... again..."

Dahil tapos na ang sem break, bumisita na ulit ako kay Dr. Peja. I told her everything that happened during the break, especially my moments with Shan. She was nodding as she listened... Then she asked what I was feeling. I told her that I couldn't say it, and she asked why. 

"It's not that I have lost hope for feeling love again... I'm happy. I really am... but I can't help but think how unfair it would be..." pagpapatuloy ko.

"Unfair to whom?" tanong niya. "To yourself?"

"No..." Umiling ako. "Unfair sa kaniya... because he would have to deal with someone like me, and it is not easy. If I want to have a relationship with him, I want to make sure that I am already truly ready for it. I'm scared... na baka sa kalagitnaan ay umatras ako. It would be unfair to him." 

"The fact that you are only considering his feelings just shows that you truly care for him... but setting aside your worries for the future, have you ever thought of what you truly feel at the present?" 

Natahimik ako. "I... I like his presence a lot," pag-amin ko. "He makes me feel confident, kind, and loved. Everything I wanted to feel before. Everything I sought out before... but failed because Miguel started doing the opposite of what I wanted to feel..." 

It was, again, raining that day. Sinabihan ako ni Miguel na dumeretso sa condo niya dahil masama ang pakiramdam niya at nagpapadala siya ng pagkain. Noong palabas na ako ng gate, nakasalubong ko sina Sevi na inaya akong kumain saglit. Doon na lang din ako nag-take out ng pagkain para kay Miguel.

"Saan ka pagkatapos? Umuulan, ah. Hatid na kita," alok sa akin ni Sevi. 

"Ah, huwag na... May dadaanan pa ako," tanggi ko kaagad. Alam na alam kong ayaw ni Miguel na makitang kasama ko siya, o kahit sinong lalaki. 

"Okay ka lang ba?" Hinaplos ni Theo ang noo ko. "Nilalagnat ka. Umuwi ka na kaya?" suggest niya kaagad sa akin. 

Mas lalo akong napailing. "Okay lang." Tinapos ko kaagad ang pagkain at kinuha na ang take out para makapagpaalam kaagad. Magagalit na naman si Miguel kapag late akong nakarating. Masama pa naman ang pakiramdam niya. 

Basang-basa na ako nang makarating sa condo niya. Tinupi ko kaagad ang payong at nilagay sa gilid, sabay hubad ng sapatos at medyas kong basa na rin. Pati ang buhok ko ay kaunting nabasa. 

"Bakit ngayon ka lang?" tanong ni Miguel sa akin pagkarating ko. Nakaupo siya sa may high chair at naghihintay ng pagkain. "Saan ka galing?"

Lumapit ako at nilapag ang plastic sa table para makain niya. Tiningnan niya 'yon at mukhang nandiri na sa hitsura dahil basang-basa na ang karton, pati ang plastic. 

"Ano 'to? Papakainin mo sa 'kin 'to eh mukhang nasabawan na ng ulan?" reklamo niya at inis na tinulak palayo ang plastic. "Ang tagal-tagal mo tapos ito lang nabili mo? Saan ka ba galing?"

"Sorry..." Kinalikot ko ang daliri ko. "Bibili na lang ako ng bago sa baba." 

"Saan ka nga galing? Bakit ba ayaw mong sagutin?" Unti-unti ko nang naririnig ang galit sa boses niya kaya mas kinalmahan ko ang pagsagot ko. 

"Kumain lang din ako sa labas," pagsabi ko ng totoo. 

"Sino ang kasama mo? Mag-isa ka lang?" Alam kong tatanungin niya 'yon dahil palagi naman niyang tinatanong kung sino ang kasama ko. Hindi ko kayang magsinungaling kaya sinagot ko ulit.

"Sina Sevi at Theo lang..." mahinang sagot ko.

Napakurap ako nang ibato niya ang plastic sa sahig kaya natapon iyong pagkain. Nahugot ko ang hininga ko sa sobrang gulat habang nakatingin sa kaniya. That was not his first violent reaction. Kapag nagagalit siya, mahilig siyang magbato ng mga bagay o kaya naman ay magbasag, pero kahit kailan ay hindi niya ako sinaktan. 

"Lang? Tingnan mo nga! Inuna mo na naman ang mga kaibigan mo! Hindi mo man lang naisip na naghihintay ako sa 'yo, masama ang pakiramdam. Paano kung may masamang nangyari sa akin dito?! Sinong sisisihin?! 'Di ba sabi ko layuan mo na 'yong mga 'yon?!" sunod-sunod na sigaw niya sa akin. 

"Mahirap layuan dahil kaibigan ko na si Sevi simula high school at si Theo naman ay palagi niyang kasama... Wala naman silang masamang motibo sa akin," pagpapaliwanag ko. "Bakit ka ba nagseselos sa kanila?" 

"Malay ko ba kung lalaki mo 'yong mga 'yon o may ginagawa kayong kababalaghan sa likuran ko! Sinabi ko na sa 'yo, ayaw kong kasama mo 'yong mga 'yon, 'di ba?!" 

"Wala ka bang tiwala sa akin?!" Tumaas na ang boses ko. "Ang hirap naman ng ganito, Miguel. Paulit-ulit na lang 'tong pinag-aawayan natin. Kumain lang ako sa labas. Wala namang big deal doon."

"Tiwala na naman ang pag-uusapan! Tangina, Kierra, paano ako magtitiwala sa 'yo eh palagi mo ngang hindi sinusunod mga sinasabi ko! Hindi big deal, ha?!" Lumapit siya sa akin kaya napaatras ako, ngunit tiningala ko pa rin siya. "Malay ko kung nagsisinungaling ka ngayon?" 

"Ako?! Hindi ba ikaw 'yong sinungaling?! Ang sabi mo ay may sakit ka kaya narito ka buong araw sa condo mo pero nakita ko ang IG story ng tropa mo, nasa bilyaran ka at may katabi kang babae!" sigaw ko na sa kaniya. Hindi ko na balak pang pag-usapan 'yon pero hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko. 

"Na-bored lang ako kaya lumabas ako saglit! At katabi lang naman 'yon?! Hindi ko nga kilala 'yon, eh! Ikaw, kakilala mo 'yang mga lalaki mo kaya ang dali mong itago! Malandi ka!" 

"Ano'ng sabi mo?!" Nagsalubong ang kilay ko at galit siyang tiningnan. "Ako?! Ako ang malandi?! Sino ba ang nambababae sa ating dalawa?! Akala mo ba hindi ko alam, ha?! May kahalikan ka sa inuman n'yo last week!" 

"Saan mo na naman nalaman 'yan?! Naniniwala ka talaga roon?! Marami talagang naninira sa akin, at naniniwala ka naman! Wala ka rin talagang tiwala sa 'kin 'no?!"

"Paanong hindi ako maniniwala kung nakita ko ang video n'yong dalawa?! Tangina mo!" Tumulo na ang mga luha ko. Hindi na lang ako nagsalita tungkol doon dahil ayaw kong umalis sa relasyon... dahil ang dami ko nang sinakripisyo para rito. Maaayos pa naman. 

"Ano ba, Kierra?! Nasisiraan na ba ang ulo mo?! Sigurado ka bang ako 'yon, ha?!" 

Natahimik na ako at pinakalma ang sarili dahil sobrang bigat ng paghinga ko. Hindi ko na kayang makipagtalo pa sa kaniya. 

"Ayaw ko na. Maghiwalay na lang tayo kung ganito." 

Kinuha ko kaagad ang gamit ko at padabog nang naglakad paalis, ngunit bigla niyang hinatak ang palapulsuhan ko pabalik, at saka ako tinulak sa may lamesa. Napaupo ako sa sahig nang maramdaman ang pagtama ng likod ko sa dulo ng lamesa. 

I looked at him with horror in my eyes. He... He just hurt me. Napahawak ako sa palapulsuhan ko habang nakatitig sa kaniya, nakaawang ang mga labi. 

"Walang aalis! Walang aalis, naiintindihan mo?!" Malakas na sigaw niya at saka binato ang nakitang vase sa gilid. Nahugot ko ang hininga ko at siniksik ang sarili sa lamesa upang hindi matamaan ng bubog. 

I cried louder when he started cursing in the air. Nang tumigil siya at naglakad siya palapit sa akin at lumuhod sa harapan ko. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... Please don't leave me..." Bigla na lang siyang nagmakaawa. "I'm sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya... Nasaktan ka ba?" 

Umiling ako nang umiling hanggang sa tinulungan niya akong tumayo. I was shaking in fear while staring at nowhere. When he went to the bathroom to calm himself, I composed myself. 

I got all my things and walked out of the unit, wala nang suot na sapatos. I used the fire exit and ran away. Saka ko lang naramdaman ang maliliit na bubog sa paa ko nang makalabas ako ng lobby, hinahabol ang hininga ko. 

Nilabas ko kaagad ang phone ko habang umiiyak, naghahanap ng matatawagan. I texted Theo my location and sat at the small bench while waiting and crying. 

Dumating kaagad siya at bumaba ng kotse, may hawak-hawak na payong. Hindi siya nagtanong kung bakit ako umiiyak. Binuhat niya lang ako nang mapansin ang mga sugatan kong paa at nilagay sa likod ng sasakyan. 

Dinala niya ako sa hospital. Sabi ko ay hindi ko na 'yon kailangan pero hindi niya ako pinakinggan. Ginamot lang ang mga sugat ko sa paa. Hindi ko na pinatingin ang likod ko. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. 

"Ano'ng nangyari?" Nagtanong lang si Theo nang tapos nang gamutin ang mga paa ko. Nakaupo ako sa hospital bed at nasa harapan ko naman siya. 

"Huwag mong sasabihin 'to kina Sevi, ha?" Pakiusap ko.

"Ano ang nangyari, Ke?" seryosong tanong na niya ngayon. 

"Wala, ano ka ba. May nabasag kasi sa condo niya tapos natapakan ko... Hindi na ako nagsapatos kasi nga nasugat," pagdadahilan ko. After what he did... I still didn't want to put him in a bad light. Baka... Baka hindi niya naman sinasadya. Baka nagalit lang talaga siya. Baka ayaw niya lang talaga ako umalis.

"Bakit ako ang nandito ngayon at hindi siya?" Seryoso pa rin ang mukha niya. Hindi ako sanay. Kinakabahan tuloy ako sa mga tanong niya. 

"May sakit nga siya 'di ba... Hindi naman ganoon kalala. Okay lang ako, ano ka ba!" 

Pero umiyak ako nang umiyak nang makauwi. Nilagyan ko ng salonpas ang likod ko, umaasang mababawasan ang sakit. Kinabukasan, nakita ko na ang pasa roon. Napabuntong-hininga ako at normal na pumasok na lang ulit sa klase. 

Hindi ko siya kinausap nang ilang araw. Sinusubukan niya akong suyuin ngunit sinasabi kong ayaw ko pang makipag-usap sa kaniya. Ayaw ko pa siyang makita. Isang linggo ko siyang hindi pinapansin. Araw-araw siyang nagpapadala ng bulaklak sa unit, pati pagkain. 

Pero isang gabi, kumatok siya sa unit at umiyak siya sa harapan ko. "Hindi ko na uulitin... Promise, magbabago na ako, Kierra... Hindi ko sinasadya. Pati 'yong halik na 'yon, wala lang 'yon... Please, patawarin mo ako. Hindi ko kaya nang wala ka, Ke..." 

"Tumayo ka diyan..." sambit ko dahil nakaluhod siya sa harapan ko at yakap ang binti ko. Napilitan akong papasukin siya sa unit para hindi siya makita ng iba na umiiyak sa hallway. Wala naman si Luna. 

Nakaupo ako sa dining habang siya ay nasa couch. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa. Mayamaya ay nagsalita siya. "I'm sorry... Noong sinabi mong aalis ka, naalala ko lang ang sinabi ng Mommy ko sa amin ni Dad. Hindi ako nakapag-isip nang maayos. Hindi ko gagawin 'yon sa 'yo, Ke... Kahit kailan, hindi ko naisip na gawin 'yon sa 'yo. I'm so sorry..." 

"That still does not justify what you did..." sambit ko sa kaniya.

"I know, I know... Just... Just talk to me when you're ready. I'll give you space..." Tumayo siya at lalapit na sana sa akin para halikan ako sa noo ngunit lumayo ako sa kaniya. Napangiti siya nang malungkot at naglakad na palabas. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang mawala na siya. 

"But I just couldn't get away..." I told Dr. Peja. "I still forgave him... over and over again, until I started doing it out of fear. I was afraid that if I break up with him, he will hurt me again... It was always out of jealousy. He was nice to me most days, but that still didn't make up for the days when he wasn't." 

No amount of kindness would make up for what he did to me. Even after what happened, he didn't have remorse. I heard that he cried on my hospital bed and denied that it was him while I was unconscious. 

"When he couldn't hurt me in public, he would step on my foot to keep me in control... and he would always wait until we were inside the car. He would also humiliate me in public and tell everyone how much of a flirt I was. I would always beg for him to stop yelling in public because it was causing a scene. He still liked breaking and throwing things. It went worse and worse..." 

I was not crying while telling the story. I had no emotion on my face. It was just blank. I felt empty. 

"I couldn't tell anyone... I don't know why."

"Maybe because you were scared that it will anger him more. Or maybe you were also scared about what people will think of you and your failed relationship. You were scared of being blamed," Dr. Peja took the words out of my mind. 

"I was really scared of being blamed... dahil sobra na ang pagsisisi ko sa sarili ko. Kapag sinabi ng ibang kasalanan ko, mapapatunayan ko lang na tama ako... na kasalanan ko... but they would never understand. It was hard to get out. It was really, really hard to get out... I feared for myself every second of the day. I felt powerless. I felt weak. It was like facing death over and over again... until I really nearly died. It took one trip to the ICU for him to stop and finally let me go." Natawa ako nang sarkastiko at tumingala para pigilan ang mga luha ko.

"People in abusive relationships always find it hard to leave the relationship because of various things. One could be the fear of being judged and blamed by others. Another reason could be that you believe you are responsible for your partner's behavior. You feel guilt as a result of gaslighting. It could also be that... because after every abusive moment, they would shower you with lots of love to make you forgive and forget. There are lots of other reasons that could affect one's decision. These are not your fault. You were influenced and manipulated into this kind of thinking by Miguel..." 

I was not hoping to fully recover, as the effect of it will still be seen and felt for as long as I lived... but I was proud of myself for making progress. Small and big. I didn't cry while telling some of my stories. I still couldn't pronounce his name without feeling like my heart was sinking, but at least I was not crying anymore. At least I was starting to sleep better. At least I could look at the mirror now and not despise myself. 

Dr. Peja and I talked about what I was feeling while telling the story, my progress, and how I think it would affect my relationship with other people. I told her that I will be back to tell her about other stories from my past and also my stories from the present. She asked me to keep track of my progress by listing down the things I could do now that I couldn't before. 

I felt emotionally tired when I went home, so I slept the whole day. School already started months ago. Naging busy ako all throughout my last months in 3rd year, until summer vacation came. 

"Finally!" Tumalon ako at pagod na niyakap si Shan. Lumambitin ako sa kaniya gamit ang mga kamay kong nasa leeg niya. "Bakasyon na natin!"

"More baby time?" he asked, hopeful. 

Napaayos ako ng tayo nang mag-chat na naman si Yanna para sabihing pumunta ako sa condo ni Sam bukas dahil walang maiiwan kay Avrielle. Mga dalawang oras lang daw.

"Kulit talaga ni Yanna." Napakamot ako sa ulo ko at nag-type ng reply pabalik.

"Who?" gulat na tanong ni Shan sa akin. 

"Oh, si Yanna, friend ko!" sabi ko sa kaniya at naglakad palayo saglit para mag-type ng reply. 

Bago pa ako makasagot ay nag-chat na si Luna sa GC na siya na lang daw dahil wala siyang ginagawa at busy raw ako makipag-date. Agad ko namang tinanggi 'yon. 

Bumalik na ulit ako kay Shan na nasa counter at gumagawa ng kape. Sumandal ako roon at nagpahalumbaba, pinapanood siya. He looked distracted. 

"Hindi ka pa tapos sa shift mo?" tanong ko naman. Gabi na, ah! 

He looked at me and gave me a charming smile before putting lid on the cup. Nilagay niya iyon sa tray at tinapik sa balikat 'yong isang staff bago siya lumabas ng counter at hinubad ang apron. 

"Why? Miss me?" Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ako sa baywang para hatakin palapit. Namula kaagad ang pisngi ko. Amoy na amoy ko ang pabango niya. "Sadly, I have plans with my friends tonight..." Napanguso siya, nalulungkot. 

"It's okay. Nag-aaya rin si Samantha," sambit ko sa kaniya. 

We couldn't spend the night together because the girls wanted to hang out and have dinner. Nag-dinner kami sa labas, sa bagong Italian restaurant na gustong puntahan ni Sam. Hindi nakapunta si Yanna dahil busy mag-alaga kay Avrielle, ang baby niya. 

"Akala ko ba ay dinner lang?" tanong ko nang mag-order sila ng mga wine. 

"Titikman lang!" sabi naman ng pinsan ko. "Masarap daw ang wine dito kaya titikman natin!" 

Ang sabi ay titikman lang pero nauwi kami sa pag-upo roon sa bar area nila na may high chair. Kaunti lang ang iniinom ni Via at tinitikman lang talaga ang alak. Parang nakikipagpaligsahan naman ang pinsan ko at si Sam sa pag-inom. Ako ay dahan-dahan lang pero sa dami ng nainom namin ay nalalasing na rin ako. Kung ano-ano na ang tinatawanan ko. 

"Punta kaya tayong club?!" aya ni Sam sa amin. 

"Ako, kailangan ko nang umuwi," paalam sa amin ni Via. 

"Sige na, Via! Bakasyon naman na! Wala ka nang plates na kailangan gawin!" Inakbayan ni Luna si Via, lasing na. 

Mukhang napag-isipan ni Via na hindi niya kami pwedeng iwan dahil siya na lang ang matino. Inalalayan niya si Luna paalis habang si Sam ay naghihintay na ng binook na Grab sa labas. Sumunod ako sa kanila, maayos pa ang lakad. Tipsy lang ako. 

Pumasok kami sa club nang walang table dahil wala nang available kaya naglibot-libot na lang kami nina Sam para maghanap ng kakilala niya. Nahilo ako lalo sa amoy ng yosi at vape nang mapadaan kami sa smoking area. Idagdag pa ang mga ilaw at ang tugtog. 

"Oh, Kierra, look! Shan is here with his friends, oh!" Hinatak ako ni Sam at tinuro ang second floor kung saan nakasandal si Shan at kinakausap iyong friend niyang may magandang buhok. Iyong kasama niya rin sa restaurant dati. Si Helen. "Omg, baka may birthday! You guys want to go up?!" 

Lumingon ako at nakitang nakikipagsayawan na si Luna sa isang grupo ng kababaihan doon habang hawak-hawak siya ni Via sa likurang collar ng damit niya. Tumingin ulit ako sa second floor at nakitang tumatawa-tawa pa si Shan. Hindi lang 'yon dahil may lumapit pang dalawang babae sa kaniya at mukhang gustong makipagpalitan ng number.

"Huwag na tayong umakyat, Sam," sabi ko sa kaniya. "Naiinis lang ako!" 

"Oh my, huwag ka nang mainis! Inom mo na lang 'yan!" Inabutan niya ako ng shot. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nakakuha noon pero ininom ko na lang. Abot siya nang abot sa akin at sinasabayan pa ako sa pag-inom. "Oh my gosh, hi! Nandito ka pala!" Kinausap niya bigla iyong nasa kabilang table. Mukhang kakilala niya. 

Pagkalagok ko ay sumipsip ako sa lemon sabay tingin ulit sa taas para makita kung ano na ang ginagawa ni Shan. He was talking to a different woman now! Hinahaplos pa nito ang braso niya, parang fine-feel ang biceps. Hindi yata sila magkarinigan at tumitingkayad pa ang babae para bumulong sa tainga. 

"Umuwi na nga tayo," aya ko kina Via.

"Paano tayo uuwi? Tingnan mo ang pinsan mo..." Tinuro ni Via si Luna na nasa taas na ng stage, katabi ng DJ. Napaawang ang labi ko sa gulat.

"Luna! Bumaba ka diyan!" sigaw ko pero sumasayaw-sayaw na siya roon at may suot pang headphones. Napasapo ako sa ulo ko, nahihilo na rin. 

"Water... Bibili lang ako ng water..." Pagewang-gewang na akong naglakad paalis para makapuntang counter. 

Kumapit ako sa counter para hindi ako mahulog sa sahig habang inaabot ang one hundred sa may cashier. "Water please..." sambit ko. "Keep the change!" 

"Kulang po ang pera n'yo..." 

Kinuha ko ang isang bottled water at hindi na nakuha ang sukli. Hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya. Basta ang alam ko ay naglapag din ng pera si Sam na nasa tabi ko na. Tumalikod na ako at sinubukang bumalik sa pwesto namin nina Via pero hinawakan ako ni Sam sa braso.

"Let's go upstairs sa V.I.P!" aya niya sa akin. 

Hindi ko alam kung paano kami pinayagan umakyat dahil hindi naman kami V.I.P. Baka si Samantha, oo. Kung saan-saan ako sinisiksik ni Samantha. Ang daming tao sa mga rooms at kung sino-sino ang binabati niya. 

Nang mapadaan ako sa table nina Shan ay nakita ko siya sa balcony, nakagilid at nagve-vape. Tumalikod kaagad ako nang magpaalam siya sa mga kaibigang lalabas lang daw siya. 

"Sam, bababa na ako," paalam ko dahil may kausap siya. 

Sinubukan kong magmadali bumaba pero hindi kaya ng hilo ko. Nakahawak pa ako sa railings habang unti-unting bumababa sa stairs. 

"Need help, my love?" 

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang lumingon ako at nakitang nakasandal doon sa kabilang railings si Shan at pinapanood akong bumaba habang nakakrus ang mga braso sa dibdib. 

"Hindi ako lasing! I can manage!" tanggi ko kaagad. Sinubukan ko ulit bumaba ngunit lumapit na siya at binuhat ako bigla. Binaba niya lang ako noong nasa last step na kami ng hagdanan. "Bakit ka nandito?!" inis na tanong ko sa kaniya.

"I should be the one asking you," natatawang sabi niya sa akin.

"Don't laugh at me like that when you were freely giving out your number a while ago!" Umismid ako at inirapan siya. 

Nagsalubong ang kilay niya. "Were you watching me?" I saw the humor in his eyes. He was enjoying it. 

"Oo, at kitang-kita ko lahat!" Tinuro ko pa ang mga mata ko gamit ang dalawang daliri. 

Inabot niya ang baywang ko para ilapit ako sa kaniya habang nakasandal siya roon sa pader. Nasa gilid lang kami ng hagdanan at may mga dumadaan pa. Nakakahiya. 

"You saw everything but didn't hear everything," mahinang sabi niya. His lips were only inches away from mine. "A lot of them tried, but I told them I was already married with kids." 

"Liar," hindi-naniniwalang sambit ko sa kaniya. Pinaningkitan ko pa siya ng mga mata. "Hindi mo sasabihin 'yon!" 

"Why? Did you also hear it from afar?" Nilagay niya ang buhok ko sa likuran ng tainga ko habang pinagmamasdan ako. "Are you jealous?"  

"Hindi," taas-noong sabi ko sa kaniya, proud pa. "Bakit? Pinagseselos mo ba 'ko?" 

"No, I would never..." Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko. "Do you want to go home? I think you're already quite drunk." 

Umiling ako at tinalikuran siya para puntahan sina Via. Sumunod naman siya sa akin at inalalayan ako para hindi ako makabangga ng kung sino-sino. "Yeah, party!" sigaw ko nang maabutang nag-cheers ang isang table. Nakisali pa ako kahit hindi ko sila kilala. 

"Ke, let's go out for air," aya niya sa akin. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin pero sumama rin naman ako palabas. 

Sa isang iglap, nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong sumusuka sa plastic na hawak ni Shan habang nakaupo sa hagdan. Ang jacket niya ay nakapatong sa balikat ko at nakahawak naman ako sa braso niya habang sumusuka. 

"Are you done?" tanong niya sa akin. Tumango ako sa kaniya at pinanood siyang maglakad papunta sa basurahan. Tinali niya ang plastic at tinapon doon. Naglabas ulit siya ng panibagong plastic para ibigay sa akin habang pinupunasan niya ang bibig ko. "Water. Drink water." 

Ngumawa ako sa harapan niya pagkatapos kong uminom ng tubig. "Kadiri na ako! Ayaw mo na sa 'kin!" Napatingin siya sa paligid at awkward na ngumiti sa mga tumingin. 

"No, that's not true," malambing na sabi niya kaagad. May sasabihin pa sana siya pero tumunog ang phone niya. "Hello? I'll pass na for tonight. Happy birthday, bro. Sorry for going home early..." 

Ngumuso ako at pinunasan ang kaunting luha ko. "Bumalik ka na roon! Why are you still here?" 

"Priorities, babe... Priorities." Tinulungan niya akong tumayo. "Let's go, gorgeous. Time to go home. Up, up..." 

"Love mo pa rin ba ako?" naiiyak na tanong ko, lasing na. 

"Yes, I love you." Tumango siya at binuhat ako sa likuran niya. Mabuti na lang at nakasuot ako ng pants. "Do you love me?" he asked back while walking, dala-dala ang heels ko sa isang kamay niya.

"Hmm..." Napapikit ako at sumandal sa kaniya, malapit nang makatulog... pero nagising ako bigla nang may maalala. "Shan, 'yong pinsan ko!" 

Saktong pagkalingon ko sa exit ng club ay nakita kong inaalalayan na ni Via si Sam at Luna palabas. Isang sapatos na lang ang suot ni Luna at si Sam naman ay may nadala pang isang bote ng alak, kumakanta. 

"Fuck..." bulong ni Shan at lumapit para tulungan si Via. "Let's go. I'll bring all of you home." 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)