"I apologize for what happened between us. I believe I still played a part in hurting you." 

Maybe it was the fear of karma... that what I did will always come back to me. When Kierra said she wanted to get to know me more, I didn't want her to know me like this. I wanted to make amends with the people I was harsh with before or the people I hurt because I did not want to commit. Although I never failed to remind myself that I will never get into a serious relationship, I still played a part in causing pain. 

But it was not the sole reason. It was also because of what I did to my dad. I did not want to be like him. I would never become like him. Just the thought scared me. 

"Ang tagal na noon, Shan, and we're goods naman na now, ano ka ba!" Tumawa pa siya. Well, most of the girls I had been with also became my friends, so it was easy for me to contact them. Although I couldn't say that we were ever so close with each other as how I was close with Hiro, Helen, Ericka, and others. 

"I know but-"

"You feel guilty? Why? Did you get yourself a girl?" Ngumisi siya at tumaas ang kilay sa akin. "And you don't want to be that guy anymore, huh?" 

"It's not because of that. I just... thought of some things," I told her. I thought of this a lot. I knew that someday I will get tired of what I used to do before, and that time finally came... but the past never failed to haunt me. It was starting to bother me after getting over it. "Anyway, I don't want to keep you busy, so..." 

When I told Hiro what I was doing, that asshole laughed at me and teased me again about being in love. Hah... In love? I could never imagine myself being in love. My view of love never changed. It never will. 

"Did it lessen your worries? After apologizing to the people you have hurt before..." my doctor asked while I was in a session. After what I did to my dad, I felt like I had to come back. I really thought I was getting better. Maybe I was at first... but seeing that man always made me lose myself.

"Yes, hearing them say that they forgive me... Yes, it feels good," I answered. "I'm done... I don't want to be my dad." 

"You are not your dad, Ciandrei. And that's good that you can say out loud that you don't want to be like him. You're aware of right and wrong actions." She nodded and gave me a small smile. "Do you still think of your mom?" 

"Yes. You're going to ask me what I feel. I feel guilty. Aside from that, I feel sad because I miss her. Also, regrets. I feel regrets... for not wanting to spend time with her and my stepdad because I was stubborn." 

"You are not stubborn. You just could not trust people easily because of what happened to your dad. Your feelings in that situation were valid, and you told me that your stepdad understood... It is not your fault." 

I knew. I knew how my mind worked... It was just whenever I was with Alfred, I would lose control of my mind and my feelings. All I wanted was to inflict the pain he inflicted on me emotionally. I wanted to damage him, too... but I was also aware that revenge was not good. My mom did not think of revenge. She stayed and tolerated all of that for me. Putting myself in that situation now, I understood how hard it was for her. 

Both of them weren't good partners for each other, but at least my mom was a good parent to me. Both of them gave me trauma with forming relationships... The other was just worse. 

I was ready to answer everything when I gave Kierra five questions to ask me... but surprisingly enough, hindi niya ako tinanong ng mga sobrang personal na bagay. Hindi ko alam kung considerate ba siya o hindi niya lang talaga napapansing may problema ako. 

"To see is to believe. How about you stay over until morning?" I offered when I took her to my condo. I had no other intentions. I was just taking it slow... showing myself to her. 

And also because I did not want to be alone. I did not want her to leave because I never felt alone when I could feel her presence. Minsan kasi, kahit may kasama ako, pakiramdam ko pa rin ay mag-isa ako. It wasn't the same with her.

"Crush mo ba ako?" I laughed at her question. Her bold remarks did not surprise me anymore. 

"Is it too obvious?" My lips curved into a smile. That was a cute question to ask.

"Liar." Of course, she would not believe that.

Crush... A little childish, but that could do... because I didn't know how to explain this feeling. This wasn't nothing. I had to find an explanation for this. Maybe that was it. The lowest stage. Because I knew I was not ready for more serious things, and neither was she. Things like this will fade soon enough... right?

"Maybe I was not lying." She was sleeping peacefully on the couch. I was holding my book, so I could go back to my study room and finish my readings. I lightly tapped her nose's tip before standing up and walking away. 

She ended up staying for the night. Hindi ko rin sinasadyang makatulog sa kababasa. Hindi ko pa nga tapos. Wala pa kasi akong tulog. 

"Wednesday, eight o'clock. See you in Yesterday," I told her when she got off my car. 

She didn't say anything to acknowledge that. Hindi ko alam kung pupunta ba siya pero binalak ko pa rin siyang hintayin. After days of not seeing her because I was busy going out with the girls I fucked and dated with before to apologize, I went back to duty. 

Wednesday. I was excited to go back to the coffee shop. I was excited to work again and see her... but Alfred suddenly called me to the mansion because he wanted to talk to me. 

"How's your school? I'm paying for your tuition so you better get good grades, at least." He made me go here just to say that?

I counted to three to calm myself before answering. The visit to the doctor helped me control my anger. "It's great," I answered calmly. 

"If you fail, just pay for your own tuition. I don't want you wasting my money," he said while reading some papers. 

So that was all I was to him? A waste of money. A burden child that he had to feed. I never asked him for money. Only for my law school tuition. He was the one sending me allowance, probably because Tita Erin convinced him, or maybe because that was his payment for not seeing me in his house. 

"You're acting like you're broke all of a sudden. Is your business not doing well?" I asked without raising my voice. 

"It is." He glared at me back, building tension. He stood up and dropped the papers on his desk so he can lean against it, standing closer to me. "Why? Do you want your share? I would never give you anything. Your mom already gave you all she had and built." 

"What a surprise. If mom already gave me all the business she built, I would also own Ledezma Group. Mom made you who you are today."

All of a sudden, I felt the pain on my jaw when his fist automatically went against it. I bit my lower lip and counted in my head. I heard curses and him being defensive about building Ledezma Group by himself... that my mother did not contribute anything except being a bitch, and a flirt. He was throwing stuff on the floor and at me. 

Before I could do anything, I just stormed outside the room and ran downstairs, ignoring Elyse. I didn't want to talk because I was angry. I might say harsh words. Late na ako sa sinabi kong oras kay Kierra pero ayaw kong magpakita nang namumula ang pisngi ko. I went home and put some ice on my cheek before driving to the coffee shop. 

Natigilan ako nang biglang may tumakbo sa akin para yakapin ako. Napasandal tuloy ako sa kotse ko dahil may sumunod pang isa. Ericka and Helen. Both of them were there. 

"Are you okay? Hiro said we should check on you!" nag-aalalang sabi ni Ericka. 

"He said you needed a hug," sabi rin ni Helen nang bitawan nila ako. "What happened to your face?" 

I told them that I just had a fight with my father and that I was okay. "I really need to go. I'm already so late." Tiningnan ko ang relo ko. 

Ericka hugged me one last time and before going with Helen to the car. I was glad they came to see me... but also nervous because I was already running so late. Just like what I expected... Kierra wasn't there anymore. 

Somehow, I felt relieved that she wouldn't see me like this. 

"Kanina pa po siya naghihintay," sabi sa akin ng staff ko noong tinanong ko kung pumunta ba si Kierra. I felt so bad that I texted her a lot to apologize but ever since that happened, she never returned my calls or my messages. 

I just accepted that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I sighed heavily while staring at the ceiling after sending another message. She didn't answer again. "Well... I guess that's it." 

***

"That's it... After one, or two... or maybe three lunches outside, I started liking him a bit." 

I was talking to my doctor again, continuing where we left off. Since I could not tell anything without crying in the end, I decided to just cut the story off before it would make me feel heavier. 

"He asked me for dinner after class. Kumain kami sa may Dapitan... He said alcohol will make us feel more comfortable talking about ourselves. Pumayag ako." 

Pagkatapos ng klase, nagpaalam na kaagad ako kay Luna na may pupuntahan ako. Hindi ko masabi sa kaniyang may kinikita na ako dahil hindi pa naman talaga ako sigurado sa lalaking 'to. Malay ko ba kung panandalian lang siya. Baka i-ghost na lang din niya ako sa susunod na linggo. Hindi pa naman namin masyadong kilala ang isa't isa. 

"Nag-order na ako para sa atin. G ka ba mag-inom pagkatapos?" tanong niya, nakangiti sa akin. It was a harmless smile... and drinking was never a problem to me. Palagi naman kaming nag-iinom kaya walang kaso 'yon sa akin. 

"Oo naman. Sorry, ha... Late ako." Hiyang-hiya ako dahil mukhang kanina pa siya naghihintay. 

"That's okay, ano ka ba." Tumawa pa siya at inabot sa akin ang tubig. "I should be thanking you for eating outside with me. Wala rin akong kasama, eh. May kasama ka ba sa bahay n'yo?"

"Ah, magkasama kami ng pinsan ko. Best friend ko na 'yon simula bata ako. Mabait 'yon! You should try meeting her!" Hindi ko namalayang nakaka-pressure pala ang sinabi ko. Baka isipin niya ay gusto ko na ma-meet niya ang pamilya ko. "I mean... Wait, I didn't mean it like that!"

Tinawanan niya na naman ako. "You're funny. It's alright." Nagulat ako nang hawakan niya ang kamay ko na nasa taas ng lamesa. "I know what you meant." 

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag... pero 'yong puso ko parang lalabas na ng dibdib ko dahil hinaplos niya ang kamay ko! Binitawan niya rin 'yon pagkatapos dahil dumating na ang pagkain. Pagkatapos ng dinner ay nag-order na siya ng alak para sa amin. 

"Kuwento ka naman tungkol sa ex mo," sabi niya sa akin. Binaba ko ang bote ng beer na hawak ko dahil sa gulat sa tanong niya.

"Wala kaya akong ex!" sabi ko sa kaniya. 

"Weh?" nagtatakang tanong niya. "Wala talaga? Kahit isa?" Umiling ulit ako sa kaniya. "Parang imposible naman. Niloloko mo 'ko, 'no?" 

"Hindi! Wala talaga akong ex kaya wala akong maku-kuwento. Ikaw na lang! Ilan na ba naging ex mo?" tanong ko, curious lang. 

"Hmm... Tatlo lang. 'Yong isa, bata pa ako noon. 'Yong pangalawa, high school lang din ako na pa-college na. 'Yong recent lang 'yong seryoso talaga, ganoon... but she cheated on me so we broke up." Nagkibit-balikat siya.

"Huh? Totoo?" curious na tanong ko.

"Yeah. It really made me insecure. Nagka-trust issues pa ako... because I really loved her, of course. I was even willing to be together again but she didn't want to anymore. Ayaw niya na talaga. It made me think kung ako ba talaga ang may mali o kung minahal ba talaga niya ako kasi ako, I never thought of cheating," pagku-kuwento niya. 

Naawa naman ako sa kaniya. "Ang hirap naman niyan. Pero naka-move on ka na ba?" 

"Oo naman. She's not that pretty anyway." Tumawa siya at uminom ulit sa beer niya. "She's even going around telling the wrong story. Ako raw ang nanloko sa kaniya. Kahit tanungin mo pa mga kaibigan ko, I would never do that... pero hinahayaan ko na lang siya. I don't have to defend myself, right? The ones close to me would know me the best." 

"Oo nga naman pero dapat dine-defend mo rin sarili mo kapag fake news kasi makikilala ka na ng iba sa ganoon. Sayang naman. I think you're nice." Napanguso ako. 

"Eh, I don't want to associate myself with those people anymore. My mom said I know myself best. At least my mom believes in me... although she's already in heaven." 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Nalungkot tuloy ako para sa kaniya. "What happened? Kung okay lang na itanong?" 

"It's fine! She died when I was in Grade 2 so I grew up without a mother. It's just me and my dad. Marami akong cousins, though, so masaya rin naman ako as a kid." Ngumiti siya. "Ikaw ba? I want to know you more, too." 

"Hmm... Wala namang ganap sa buhay ko. I have a complete family. Only-child lang ako but having my cousin with me, pakiramdam ko may kapatid ako. I have good friends and... Iyon lang. Wala naman akong problema sa life. Ang saya nga, eh!" Tumawa pa ako sabay inom ulit ng beer. 

He had so many tragic stories that made me empathize with him. I could tell that he was broken. He said he felt so happy whenever he was with me, which made me feel so good. Naisip kong ako lang ang nakakapagparamdam ng ganoon sa kaniya. He never failed to make me special every day. 

"Oh, I don't use Instagram that much to post. I just opened it again to message you." I was wondering why he wasn't posting stuff on his Instagram stories or posts. It was our 4th time drinking outside at night. We both knew that we were having this "thing" with each other. Hindi ko pa alam kung ano ang itatawag ko roon. 

Ayaw ko namang magtanong dahil baka mawala. Ayaw kong mawala ang pinagsamahan namin. We already opened up to each other about a lot of stuff. I felt like we already knew each other for years. He was just so comforting to be with. 

"Besides, my friends will tease me again about you. Those assholes." Nahihiya pa siyang kumamot sa batok niya. Again? So inaasar na siya sa akin? "Because they know I like you, right... Nang-aasar tuloy palagi. Hindi na kasi ako sumasama sa gala." 

Huh? Wait... He said 'I like you.' Tama naman ang pagkakarinig ko, 'di ba?

"Why do you look so surprised? Hindi pa ba obvious?" Pinisil niya ang pisngi ko. "Cute mo naman, Ke. Namumula ka." 

Hindi tuloy ako makatulog noong gabing 'yon! Obvious naman siguro pero hindi kasi ako assumera! Oo, pinapayungan niya ako, binibilhan niya ako ng pagkain, tinatali niya ang buhok ko, hinihila niya ang upuan para sa akin, tinutulungan niya akong mag-aral, naglalaro kami sa phone, at nago-open up siya sa akin tungkol sa mga nangyari sa kaniya... pero ngayon niya lang sinabing gusto niya ako!

I screamed over to my pillow so Luna wouldn't hear me. Pinadyak-padyak ko pa sa ere ang paa ko dahil sa sobrang tuwa. Gumising tuloy ako na good mood. 

"Good mood ka yata, Ke, ah?" sabi ng groupmate ko. May meeting kami para sa isang project. 

"Palagi naman akong naka-smile, ah!" Ngumiti pa ako lalo. "Para namang bago 'yon! Ikaw talaga! Smile ka na lang din para nakaka-good mood." 

"Blooming. May love life na kaya? Hmm..." pang-aasar pa noong isa. "Nakikita kita palaging may ka-date sa Dapitan, ah!"

"Hoy, sira ka! Wala lang 'yon!" namumulang sabi ko. "Friends lang kami!" 

I began calling us friends until he suddenly held my hand while he was driving. I felt butterflies once more. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko at tumingin sa labas, umaaktong hindi apektado sa simpleng ginawa niya. 

"Ayaw mo ba?" tanong niya sa akin. 

"H-huh? Okay lang!" sagot ko kaagad. Kinikilig nga ako. 

"That's good, then..." Inayos niya ang hawak sa kamay ko. 

Nang nasa tapat na ako ng lobby ng condo, tinulungan niya ako sa seatbelt ko kaya naglapit ang mukha naming dalawa. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin kaya napaiwas ako ng tingin, hindi alam ang gagawin. 

He kissed my cheek instead. "Good night. I had a great time," sabi niya, nakangiti sa akin. He was so charming and always smiling. He looked so kind and respectful. 

"How do I describe him now? A lying... manipulative bastard..." Kinuyom ko ang kamay ko. The ball I was holding was squeezed so the doctor held my hand for a moment, which calmed me down. 

"Was that true? The things he said to you back then?" tanong ni Dr. Peja. 

"Lies..." I whispered, shaking my head. This time, I wasn't tearing up because of so much pain. I was tearing up because of so much anger. "He was the one who cheated on his ex and the one who begged his ex to be back with him after hurting her... He made me believe his own version of story kaya tuwing nakakarinig ako ng tungkol sa kaniya, iniisip kong sinisiraan lang siya... kasi hindi naman ganoon ang sinabi niya sa akin. He made me believe all those lies. Isa pa... buhay pa ang Mommy niya." 

"What do you think is the reason why he said that?"

"Iniwan sila ng Mommy niya noong bata siya. When we were already in a relationship, he explained that he just considered his mother dead because she left them."

"Did he also lie about other things aside from that?" 

Natawa ako nang sarkastiko at tumingala para hindi tumulo ang luha ko. "He... cheated on me, too... A lot of times... but I was too scared to leave." Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang luha ko. "And it made me think if he was treating those girls the way he treated me or did he treat them better? Like they were... people? Kasi ako, hindi... He didn't treat me like a real person. I was like a 'thing' to him that he could just..." Hindi ko na matuloy ang sasabihin ko dahil sa hikbi. 

"When did you start knowing about his cheating?" 

"That was also the same time he... hurt me for the first time." My hands were shaking so I tried to hide them. "I... I can't tell yet, I'm sorry..."

"It's okay, Kierra. You don't need to be sorry for taking it slow and being patient with yourself. You have done enough," Dr. Peja assured me. 

But I also wanted to tell how he asked me to be his girlfriend. That he prepared so much for that day. He surprised me in a rooftop bar... with a nice dinner... and a bouquet of roses. It made me feel so special... but now I wished all of those didn't happen.

I wished there was no available chef at that time... or the waiter failed to prepare the dinner table... or the flower shop closed that day... or that it was raining that day so it would ruin everything. Sana hindi na lang 'yon nangyari.

"Uy... Bakit?" nagtatakang tanong ni Luna nang umuwi ako at yumakap kaagad sa kaniya. Sinandal ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya at pinikit ang mga mata ko. Tinapik-tapik naman niya ang balikat ko. 

"Wala lang. Pagod lang," sabi ko. "Thank you... for staying by my side." 

"Kierra... May problema ba?" 

Umayos ako ng tayo at ngumiti sa kaniya. It was a genuine smile. I was really grateful to her. Just seeing her in front of me made me feel at ease. 

"Luna... I've been visiting the doctor these days," pag-amin ko sa kaniya. 

Napaawang ang labi niya. "K-kumusta naman?" Hindi niya alam ang sasabihin niya. 

"I'm... trying." Tumango-tango ako. I didn't know how to say what I was feeling... but I wanted her to know that I was trying. 

I was trying so bad because I didn't want the pain and fear to get worse. I... wanted to go back to my old life, too, where I was free to do whatever I wanted to do. Now... Even being happy made me feel bad. It felt like I was betraying myself. 

"I'm proud of you." She gave me a comforting smile that reached her eyes. "Kapag kailangan mo ng kausap o kahit kasama lang, alam mo kung saan mo ako hahanapin."

"Sa kabilang kwarto?" Natawa kami pareho. 

Finally, nasabi ko na rin sa kaniya. Natatakot kasi akong baka mag-alala siya lalo sa akin at dumagdag pa ako sa mga poproblemahin niya... pero nang makarinig ako ng positive response sa kaniya, mas lalo akong ginanahang magpatuloy. 

"Sige lang, hampasin mo." Nakasandal lang si Shan roon sa gilid habang pinapanood akong hampasin ng baseball bat iyong bolang automatic na lumilipad papunta sa direksyon ko. He said it could be a stress-reliever. He even made me wear that protective helmet. Kailangan ko raw 'yon para hindi ako matamaan. "No, you need to watch your stance, too." 

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko sa baseball bat at inayos ang pwesto ko. Noong natamaan ko 'yong isa, halos tumalon-talon ako sa tuwa. Those little achievements brought joy... but the thought that I shouldn't be too happy went back to me so my lips formed a small smile instead.

"See? Kaya ko naman," sabi ko sa kaniya. "Nakakapagod naman 'to." 

"You hit one ball and you're tired already?" Kinuha niya ang baseball bat niya at siya ang pumalit sa pwesto ko. "Drink some water. I bought one for you there."

Umupo ako sa bench at pinanood siyang tamaan 'yong mga bola. Magaling din pala siya mag-baseball. Narito na kami sa getting-to-know-each-other stage pero sports version. We were checking kung saan kami magaling na sports and making each other try. 

"I also do racing," sabi niya sa akin. "But you shouldn't try that. It's very dangerous." 

"If it's dangerous, then why do you do it?" Tumaas naman ang kilay ko. 

"You have a point." Ngumisi siya at tinaas ang index finger niya. "Let's just try horseback riding next time. My best friend and his brother like doing that. Sinasama nila ako minsan. Have you tried that?"

Umiling ako. "Siguro noong bata ako." 

"How was your childhood like?" Umupo siya sa tabi ko at uminom ng tubig. Napaisip tuloy ako sa tanong niya. Kumusta nga ba ang childhood ko? 

"Masiyahin ako noong bata ako kasi palaging si Luna ang kasama ko. Taga-Bataan si Daddy kaya palagi kaming nagbabakasyon doon, lalo na sa tabing-dagat. I liked making friends. Kapag nasa probinsya ako, parang ibang tao rin ako, lalo na't ibang pangalan ang tawag nila sa akin doon." 

"What name?" nagtatakang tanong niya naman, curious.

"Ayi," sagot ko.

Natigilan siya sa pag-inom ng tubig at napatitig sa akin. "Ayi?" mas mabagal na ulit niya. That felt weird coming out of his mouth. Hindi ako sanay na iyon ang tawag niya sa akin. 

"Kasi noong bata ako, hindi ko masabi 'yong pangalan ko kaya naging 'Zayin,' hanggang sa tinawag na lang nila akong Ayi," pagpapaliwanag ko. "Ikaw ba? 'Di ba nag-stay ka rin sa Bataan?"

"Ah, yeah..." Mukhang may iniisip siya habang umiinom ng tubig. "I did... Yes... In Bataan. At the beach..." Tumingin ulit siya sa akin at nagtagal iyon kaya nailang ako. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. 

"Bakit ka nakatingin nang ganyan?" Kumunot ang noo ko at marahang tinulak ang mukha niya palayo sa akin. Parang hinuhusgahan niya ang pagkatao ko! 

"Hmm... I want to see your pictures from childhood." Ano ba 'yon? Bigla-bigla na lang? Nakakahiya. Ang pangit ko noong bata ako! Ako 'yong batang mukhang masarap paiyakin, sabi nila.

"Wala sa akin. Nasa bahay namin! Ikaw ba? May pictures ka?" tanong ko pabalik. 

Umiling din siya sa akin. "I only have pictures with my mom. Anyway, we should go now. What's our next topic?" 

"Places important to us," sagot ko nang mabasa ang listahan namin sa phone ko. We listed down some topics that we wanted each other to explore. Ngayon, sports. Ang susunod ay mga lugar na importante sa amin. Pupuntahan din namin 'yon. "Sige, ako muna!" 

"Okay, where are we going? I'm the one driving so I should know, right?" pamimilit niya habang naglalakad kami papuntang parking.

Ang sabi ko ay ituturo ko na lang ang daan para hindi niya malaman kaagad kung saan kami papunta... pero habang tumatagal, napapakunot ang noo niya na parang alam niya kung saan kami papunta.

"Are we going to my old school?" sinubukan niyang hulaan.

"Huh?! Hindi, ah! Malay ko sa school mo! Sige, deretso lang diyan..." turo ko sa may kanto. 

Umakyat kami papunta sa may drop-off ng sasakyan sa tapat ng gate. Ang sabi ko ay mag-park na lang siya sa gilid dahil wala namang magrereklamo roon. Pagkababa namin ng sasakyan ay tumayo ako roon sa may sign at tinuro. 

"Ta-da! Welcome to Valeria High!" Ngumiti ako sa kaniya. 

"Your old school?" Mukhang gulat na gulat pa siya. "Seriously? What the hell is happening..." 

"Huh? Bakit? May problema ba?" Nagsalubong din ang kilay ko. "Dito ako nag-aral! Bakit parang nakakita ka ng multo diyan?" 

Bigla na lang siyang natawa at tumingala sa langit nang may mapagtanto. Nagtanong na naman ako kung bakit pero napailing lang siya at tinitigan ako ulit. 

"Ah, yes... How could I forget..." The smile on his lips didn't fade. "We really have already met before." 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)