"Hmm... Nice feed. This is very her." 

I had been scrolling through her feed right after following her so I could see what she had been posting before. She just had a few posts with pictures of her friends this year. Sobrang kaunti lang. Mga tatlo o apat, but she had lots of posts before. She looked so... carefree and happy last year and all the previous years.

She liked posting pictures a lot. Of her, mostly, but also with her friends. She was always laughing with them. Even with her stolen pictures jumping, you could tell that she was really giddy before. Makulit at masaya. I compared that to her recent posts. She was smiling without her teeth showing. There was no light in her eyes. She was prim and proper, like she always needed to be timid. 

The smile on my face faded when I realized that something must have happened this year, causing her to change. It was pretty evident. Even a stranger stalking her account would notice how much she changed. Just not the vibe, but physically, too. She looked like she lost a lot of weight, and her eyes got darker underneath. Loss of sleep, maybe. 

I looked at her photos with her friends and saw Yanna. I sighed heavily, thinking if I was betraying my friends because I never asked Kierra about Yanna. I promised that I would do anything for Hiro, but I couldn't even do this one thing... to ask. It felt wrong. I didn't want to do it. 

Besides, Hiro will go home by himself. He needed to renew his license. He said he can find her by himself if we really can't find her. I did make a lot of effort to search for her, but no one knew where she was. Samantha wouldn't tell me. She would rather die than tell me about her friend's secret. 

"I don't know who that is," Haze said when I tried asking him. "Is that my brother's girlfriend?" 

"Just send your men to find her or something," I told him. "This is for Hiro."

"Man, if she doesn't want to be found, then it's better to stop bothering her. You might just scare her away more. What are you? Stalkers?" Haze rolled his eyes, obviously not helping. 

I was at their mansion, and he was already dressed up in his pilot uniform for a flight. He wanted me to know that he was a busy man, and that finding a woman for his brother was not his business, which was true. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit hanap nang hanap si Hiro. Maybe he was worried that something bad happened to her? Was she a missing person? 

"Go to the police if she's missing or something," Haze said, shrugging. 

"No, she's not missing..." Because I knew Samantha was aware of her whereabouts. "She's hiding from your brother." I didn't know if I should laugh when I realized that. 

"Interesting." Haze nodded, smirking. "Tell my brother to stop being an asshole and just find her by himself. He's the one who has some business with her." 

There were a lot of chances where I could ask Kierra about her friend, but I didn't. There may be a chance that she also didn't know, and if she knew... Why would she tell me? Samantha, the one closest to Yanna, could not even tell me. Maybe they had this promise that they couldn't break in their friendship. 

And if I did find her... What was Hiro planning to do? He eventually needed to go back to Florida. 

"Love is fucking crazy. That's not for me. My mind is already bothered by other things," I told my sister when she visited my café. I was busy wiping glasses with a clean cloth while she was leaning over the counter, smiling. 

"You're so lame, Kuya." She laughed, shaking her head. "Love is so amazing kaya. You've seen it a lot in movies. It's such a nice thing. I can't wait to be so in love..." She closed her eyes, imaging herself. 

For a moment, I got scared... because I didn't like the idea of her getting hurt from being so in love... for admiring someone. Not just the future man she will fall in love with, but the man she already loved as she grew up. That would definitely be her greatest heartbreak. 

"Having someone to love isn't necessary," I told her, cleaning the counter now. 

"Oh, no, no... There should be kahit isa lang na person that you cherish and love. A person always has someone important to them. You can't be full of hatred. For example, you love me, right?! Right?" She jumped in excitement, hopeful for my answer. 

"Yes," I whispered with a heavy sigh. "But that's not the love I was talking about."

"Love as in you want to spend your life with that person, right? The love that will make you accept each other's flaws... The love that would make you want to grow, be patient, understanding, heal... Things like that. I want to feel that. I want to have someone beside me to help me stand up when I fall or someone to hug me when I'm feeling bad... Don't you want that?" She looked so happy talking about it that I started to wonder if she was thinking of someone while talking. 

"No, I don't want that." My mom... probably thought of that, too. She hoped for that kind of love and got disappointed. I hated the feeling of disappointment... of failure. I already had enough of them. 

"Ewan ko sa 'yo, Kuya! You will grow up single forever," she teased.

"And successful," I added. "There's nothing wrong with that." 

"Hmm... Of course. You do you." She shrugged. "Can you make me a drink now, please?" 

I never changed my mind about love ever since I was faced with the reality that my parents forcefully fed my eyes, so when I saw her coming inside the coffee shop with another man, I felt happy for her. 

She was talking a lot when she was with him. I knew that she felt more comfortable with him than she would ever be with me. I was watching them. It was very evident that he liked her. Genuinely. Her smile also reached her eyes while they were talking. 

My lips formed a small smile while preparing their order. That man and I were probably opposites. I could tell he was more stable, genuine, patient, and determined. 

When I served their tray, I got a close look at them. They actually looked good together. "Enjoy your meal," I said with a smile before leaving. 

I didn't smoke a lot ever since I switched to vaping... but my troubling days made me switch back to cigarettes. Not always. Not very frequent... but that night was one of them. What were the chances that I would witness her drunk state? 

"So, how close can we get, Kierra?" I asked. "What should be our limit? You tell me." 

I slightly flinched when she reached out to touch my face, but she still continued. I raised a brow when her palm touched my cheek. It was warm. 

"Should there be a limit?" She laughed a bit. "Crazy idea. I want to get to know you more..."

I blinked twice before taking a step back away from her. What... What did she say? Did she want to get to know me more? The idea scared me for some reason. 

"Oh, I should follow you on Instagram..." She laughed again and got her phone out. My phone vibrated with the notification of her follow. When she almost fell, I automatically reached for her elbows to help her keep her balance. 

But I immediately put my hands away from her. Touching her and getting close to her made me feel fear. I didn't want her to know me... My secrets, my past, my mind. I didn't want her or anyone else to get that close to me.

That was a given... but what scared me was the idea that I wanted to. For a moment... I wanted to open up to her. 

"The time we spent with each other is too short for you to say that you want to get to know me more. You wouldn't like that... and I don't know you, too. Yes, there should be a limit," I told her. 

"Hmm... Ano bang gusto mong malaman sa 'kin?" Umupo siya sa sahig at sinandal ang likod niya sa may pader. I tried to make her stand up but she refused. She said she was too dizzy. "Natakot ka yata sa sinabi ko, ah..." Tumawa pa siya. I didn't know that she noticed. "Why? Scared that I will ask you to be in a relationship with me like your other girls?"

Natahimik ako, hindi makasagot sa kaniya. Hindi ko rin alam ang sasabihin ko. That wasn't the reason. The reason was me. 

"Huwag kang mag-alala..." Napapikit siya at napahawak sa ulo niya. "Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang magmahal ulit... so yes, there is a limit." 

That made me wonder once more. Who hurt her this badly?

***

"Julian Miguel Villaflor." 

I looked down and closed my eyes upon saying his name. My therapist said if I wanted to tell her the story, it would be better to start from the beginning. Pabor sa akin dahil hindi ko pa kayang sabihin kung paano kami nagwakas. Ang mga naunang masasayang araw, kaya ko... Kaya ko na ngayon. 

"That's his name. He introduced himself to me when we met for the first time... That day..." 

Naiwan akong mag-isa sa school noong maaga kaming pinauwi. Si Luna, pumunta kay Kalix dahil may date sila. Si Via naman ay pinuntahan si Arkin dahil kakain daw sila sa labas. Nagkaayaan lang ang mga blockmates kong uminom sa Dapitan at sumama naman ako dahil wala naman akong ibang gagawin. 

"Oh, shot mo na! Ikaw na! Huwag ka nang tumakas!" sigaw ko sa kaklase ko. Tumawa ako nang malakas at halos hindi na makahinga nang tumayo siya para pumuntang C.R pero nadapa siya sa sahig dahil sa hilo. "Hoy, bumalik ka rito, ah! 'Yong tropa n'yo, tulungan n'yo!"

Napahawak ako sa tiyan ko, tawang-tawa sa nangyari. Nilabas ko pa ang phone ko at vinideo-han siya habang sinusubukan niyang tumayo. "Ayaw n'yo uminom? Hay, sige ako na lang muna. Shot ko na 'to, ha! Kayo na ang next!" reklamo ko sa kanila bago ininom ang gin na may halo. 

"Anong nakuha n'yo kay Ma'am Gamboa? Grabe, ang baba ko roon!" reklamo ng isa kong kaklase. 

Ngumiti ako at inakbay ang braso ko sa balikat niya habang nakatayo ako at nakaupo naman siya. "Huwag na natin pag-usapan ang acads! Panira 'yan sa kasiyahan! Don't worry, be happy na lang!" Ngumisi ako. "Grades do not matter unless mataas! Char!" 

"Lahat tayo mababa. Si Luna ang highest!" 

"Ano ka ba! Ibang breed lang talaga ang pinsan ko!" Tumawa ulit ako. "I-shot mo na lang 'yan." 

Lasing na ako nang bumalik ako sa UST para roon dumaan papunta sa sakayan sa Noval. Nagpanggap akong normal nang dumaan ako sa may gate hanggang sa makalagpas at dumeretso sa AB building. Umupo muna ako sa may bench doon dahil nahihilo pa ako. 

"Inom pa," sabi bigla noong lalaki sa tabi ko. Nauna siya roon at may kausap sa phone noong umupo ako pero ngayon ay wala na. "Okay ka pa ba, Miss?" 

"Shush! Ang ingay mo!" Tinakpan ko ang tainga ko habang nakapikit. Grabe, umiikot ang mundo ko. "Hindi na talaga ako iinom kahit kailan!" 

"Ikaw ang maingay, eh," reklamo naman niya. "What's your name and year?" 

Tinaas ko ang I.D ko at pinakita sa kaniya. "Ayan, oh! Hindi mo ba nababasa?! No more! No more questions! Nahihilo na ako sa 'yo!" 

"Kierra," pagbasa niya sa pangalan ko. "I'm Miguel. Julian Miguel Villaflor. Mas ahead pala ako sa 'yo." 

"Villaflor..." Pamilyar ang name. 'Yong mayor yata? "Uy... Ha-ha! Sikat ka, ah! Sikat ka pala, eh! Mayor!" Umayos ako ng upo at sumaludo sa kaniya. "Yes, sir!" 

His lips formed an amused smile before laughing and standing up. He offered his hand so he could pull me to my feet pero umiling ako sa kaniya at tumayo mag-isa. "Kaya ko sarili ko, excuse me! Strong 'to! Always strong! I'm the strongest in the whole world!" I even spread my arms. 

"Yes, I agree... Now stop yelling. Mahahalata ng guard na lasing ka. Umuwi ka na." His voice was soothing. It was gentle and calm. 

Sumimangot ako sa kaniya at kinuha ang bag ko para maglakad na paalis. Bukas pa ang zipper ng bag ko kaya nahulog ang iba kong mga gamit habang naglalakad. "Oy, miss! 'Yong mga gamit mo!" Hinabol ako ng lalaki at sinubukang ibalik ang mga gamit sa bag ko bago sinara ang zipper. 

Hindi ko siya pinansin dahil mas nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa linya sa sementong dinadaanan ko. Straight walk... Straight walk... Hindi dapat ako pagewang-gewang. Kaya ko 'to. 

"Huy, anong ginagawa mo?" Natigilan ako nang mapalingon kay Theo. Napadaan lang siya nang makita akong naglalakad na parang tanga.

"Ashro!" tawag ko sa isa niyang pangalan at tumakbo sa kaniya para sumakay sa likod niya. Automatic na humawak siya sa binti ko para hindi ako mahulog. "Buhatin mo na lang ako! Hindi ko na kayang maglakad! Let's go! Zoooom!" 

"Hay nako, lasing na naman." Napailing siya pero binuhat niya pa rin ako palabas ng gate hanggang sa makarating kami sa sakayan ng tricycle. "Nasaan mga kaibigan mo?"

"Ako lang 'to! Kierra lang!" Hinampas ko ang dibdib ko kaya naramdaman kong nasusuka ako bigla pero huminga ako nang malalim para pigilan. 

Hinatid ako ni Theo hanggang sa unit dahil hindi ako makapaglakad nang maayos. Binaba niya ako sa may sofa at nag-stretch ng braso at hita, mukhang pagod na pagod. "Bigat ba? Busog, eh!" Tumawa ako at humawak sa tiyan ko. 

Humiga ako sa sofa at pinikit ang mga mata ko, handa nang matulog. 

"Bakit kaya lahat ng nakapaligid sa akin may jowa?" Napabuntong-hininga ako. "Kailan kaya ako?! Ano kaya feeling na may boyfriend, 'no? Bakit kasi walang nagkakagusto sa akin?!" 

Natahimik si Theo at tinitigan lang ako, napapailing sa akin. "Maligo ka kaya muna bago ka matulog?" 

"Kapag ako nagkajowa na rin, hah! Who you all!" I raised my middle finger to the ceiling. 

I always wanted to be loved. It wasn't like I didn't have enough when I was young. No. Punong-puno ako ng pagmamahal simula bata ako hanggang sa paglaki ko... pero 'yong pagmamahal na gusto ko ngayon ay iba. Hindi galing sa pamilya. I wanted to spend my whole life with someone. Gusto ko ring makaranas ng kilig. I wanted to spice up my college life a bit. Para sa akin, ang cute siguro ng mga campus couples. 

"Nakakainggit 'yong mga may jowa." Ngumuso ako. 

Hindi ko na matandaan kinabukasan kung anong oras nakauwi si Theo dahil pinipilit ko siyang mag-usap muna kami dahil wala akong kausap. Hindi pa umuuwi si Luna... pero nakatulog din ako. 

"Ano? Sakit ulo ka ngayon, girl?" pang-aasar ni Luna sa akin kinabukasan. 

"Noodles tayo sa lunch," aya naman ni Via. "Gusto ko ng ramen." 

"Tara. Para sa hangover." Nakahawak pa rin ako sa ulo ko. 

At least pumasok ako kahit may hangover. Hindi ko nga lang maintindihan ang mga sinasabi ng prof ko. Basta, noong lunch na, excited na akong lumabas ng building. Nag-C.R pa si Luna at sinamahan siya ni Via kaya sabi ko mauuna na ako sa restaurant para mag-reserve ng seats.

"Kierra?" Natigilan ako sa paglalakad nang may tumawag sa akin. 

Pagkalingon ko, halos nahugot ko ang hininga ko. A tall, handsome, and charming guy with a nice smile was looking at me. Bakit niya ako kilala? 

"Naiwan mo 'to kahapon." Inabot niya sa akin 'yong purse ko na puno ng essentials ko like hair brush, toothbrush, hair tie, ganoon. 

Napakunot ang noo ko, hindi matandaan kung paano ko naiwan ang gamit ko. "Sorry... Nagkita na ba tayo before?" nagtatakang tanong ko.

"Oh, you can't remember?" Tumawa siya at nilahad ang kamay niya. "Let me introduce myself again. I'm Miguel. Julian Miguel Villaflor." 

"Uh... Thank you." Nakipag-shake hands ako at nilagay na ang purse ko sa loob ng bag ko. "Sorry, hindi kita matandaan."

"It's okay. Masyado ka nang lasing kahapon. Kumusta? May hangover?" Tumawa siya nang mapansing hindi maipinta ang hitsura ko. 

"Uh, oo." Tumango ako sa kaniya at lumingon kina Luna na naglalakad na palabas ng building. "Nandiyan na friends ko. Una na 'ko. Thank you ulit." 

"Wait!" Natigilan ako nang hawakan niya ang palapulsuhan ko. "May I know your Insta?" 

Napakurap ako sabay kuha ng cellphone ko para ipakita sa kaniya ang Instagram ko. Ngumiti siya sa akin at sinabing finollow na niya ako bago niya ako pinakawalan. Hindi pa rin nagsi-sink in sa akin ang nangyari. 

"Butterflies," I told my doctor. "Iyon ang naramdaman ko nang i-message niya ako noong gabing 'yon. Hindi ko siya kilala at hindi niya rin ako kilala. We were getting to know each other. Kumportable akong kausap siya. He had this... vibe that will make you want to spend more time with him. Madali siyang pakisamahan... From one message, one thing led to another. We started eating outside during breaks." I sarcastically laughed. "Looking back at it now... It feels like I'm talking about a different person." 

"People always bring their best foot forward when you're still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage... and even in the first months of dating." Dr. Peja nodded. "What do you feel while telling this story? Do you blame yourself for not knowing from the start?" 

I bit my lower lip and looked down on the floor. "Sana kinilala ko pa siya nang lubos bago kami pumasok sa isang relasyon. I loved a different version of this man. It's my fault. I should have known better."

"But you couldn't have known, Kierra." My doctor looked at me in the eyes. "You loved what this man showed you at the start. He chose not to let you know." 

"I loved him... and it really felt good at the start." The tears started forming at the corner of my eyes, remembering how it felt. 

"From the moment you realized that you're falling in love with this guy, can you describe how it felt like?" 

"It was... thrilling." I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. "Because I never felt that kind of love before. I never felt that safe with a person before. A person that is not my family or my friend. He gave me this kind of comfort, making me want to give it all in. I wanted to give him all the love I gained from years of getting loved by the people around me. I wanted to give that to him... until there was nothing left... Not even for myself." I cried loudly, continuously wiping my tears, but they won't stop. 

I told my doctor that I cannot tell anything more today. Hanggang doon na lang muna ako. She said it was fine... that I should take my time, but I wanted to heal faster. I wanted all of it to be over because I felt myself getting more tired every day. 

I looked at myself in the mirror when I got home and asked myself if I had any feelings left for the woman I saw in front of me. 

"I hate you," I whispered, looking at myself in the eyes. I was reminded of the times I looked at myself in the mirror to check if my bruises were evident. I did that every day until I hated looking at myself. 

I sat at my vanity table and started putting makeup on with no emotion on my face. I was staring blankly at the mirror while slowly putting on some colors on my face. Nang marinig kong pumasok na si Luna sa condo, binilisan ko kaagad ang ginagawa ko hanggang sa kumatok siya at binuksan ang pinto ng kwarto ko. Lumingon ako sa kaniya at ngumiti. "Hi," bati ko. 

"Okay ka lang? Aalis ka?" tanong niya sa akin.

The forced smile didn't leave my face. I just nodded as my smile grew wider. "Date," sagot ko. "Getting-to-know-each-other date." That felt ironic coming from my own mouth. 

"Will you be okay?" nag-aalalang tanong niya sa akin. 

Tumango ako. "Oo naman! Sige na, male-late na ako!" 

Nang sinara na niya ulit ang pinto, nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at sinandal ang mga siko sa lamesa. "Pupunta pa ba ako?" tanong ko sa sarili ko. 

Siguro... Nakita ko 'yon bilang pagkakataon para bumawi sa sarili ko. I was thinking that 'Oh, I could get to know him better now' or 'I can do it. I can never repeat the same mistake again.' I saw it as a chance to prove myself... at kapag nagawa ko 'yon, baka tumigil na ang paniniwalang kasalanan ko ang nangyari kasi kaya ko naman pala. 

"Are you okay?" tanong ni Ciandrei sa akin nang sumakay ako sa sasakyan niya. I did it again. Sitting in the shotgun seat. It made me feel good that I was making progress again. 

"Oo naman," sagot ko sa kaniya. Medyo awkward pa kaming dalawa dahil sa usapan namin noong nakaraan. When he asked me about relationships, I told him that I wanted to get to know him better. Hindi niya ako kilala... at hindi ko rin siya kilala para pumasok kaagad sa seryosong relasyon, kung iyon nga ang patutunguhan nito. 

"Do you want to just go back?" tanong niya sa akin. Umiling naman ako. I already made up my mind. It took a lot for me to go out and sit here with him. 

I wasn't talking much while we were eating early dinner. Noong dumilim na, sabi niya may pupuntahan pa raw kami. We went to a high place where it was windy and slightly cold because the temperature dropped at night. Sumandal kaming dalawa sa hood ng kotse niya habang tinatanaw ang mga ilaw. 

"I went to my doctor this morning," sabi ko sa kaniya habang nakakrus ang braso sa dibdib. 

"That's good... How was it?" tanong niya naman. 

My lips formed a lazy smile. "Hindi ko alam. Not good but not bad either. Unti-unti ko lang nilalabas 'yong mga bagay na matagal ko nang kinikimkim sa sarili ko. Kung puwede nga lang, isang bagsakan na... But there's only so much I can do." 

"Hmm... Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. 

"Do you know why I did that when we first met?" Lumingon ako sa kaniya. "Because I wanted to do something the old me wouldn't do, and somehow it made me feel like I was a different person, that I wasn't in pain... that I wasn't weak because it was also the first time I decided to go out and live. Before that, I have thought of dying... a lot of times." 

Tahimik lang siya at nakikinig. Hindi rin siya nagtatanong. Baka nga alam niya na rin 'to. Mabilis niya namang mabasa ang iniisip ko, eh. 

"Because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted it to end. Tumigil nga 'yong sakit sa panlabas, pero 'yong sakit sa loob? Mukhang habangbuhay kong dadalhin 'to. I also stood in a high place like this where I could see all the buildings. Ang ganda niyang tingnan. Mahangin. Nakakakalma... The last thing I wanted to see." 

"But..." He knew there was something more. 

"But... Luna lost herself when she thought she lost me." I smiled to myself, shaking my head. "My parents, too, who gave me all the love they could ever since I was young... I wanted more time to give it back." 

"You must have a good relationship with your parents." He stared at me with a small smile on his face. 

"Ikaw ba?" He never said anything about himself. I didn't like the feeling that I was the only one talking. 

He just shrugged. "Not good." Iyon lang ang sinagot niya at wala nang iba. Wala nang kasunod. Hanggang doon lang ang kaya niyang sabihin. 

Natahimik ako, ayaw nang magsalita. He refused to talk so I didn't want to anymore. I felt bad. Gusto ko pang makilala siya pero mukhang wala talaga siyang balak ipaalam sa akin kahit katiting na impormasyon tungkol sa kaniya. 

Napansin niya sigurong tahimik ako kaya napalingon siya sa akin. Ramdam ko ang titig niya pero nanatili ang tingin ko sa harapan. 

"My mom died when I was young." Nagulat ako nang magsalita siya. 

"I'm sorry," agad na sabi ko. Hindi ko inaasahang iyon ang bumabagabag sa isipan niya. Iyon pala ang hindi niya masabi. 

"I only have my dad now... but I also don't consider him my dad, so I'm living alone. He... Uhm..." He coughed and looked away. "He's violent, so I don't like being with him." 

"When did it start?" maingat na tanong ko. 

"I don't remember. When I was four? Or five? Maybe three... Hindi ko alam." He smiled to let me know that he was okay... but I wasn't. 

My face heated as the tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I felt bad. I knew what he felt. I already went through that... but I couldn't imagine it happening to a child. 

"I'm so-"

"Don't say sorry," he cut me off. "It's not anyone's fault but him." 

"But how could you face him again?" I couldn't do that. Paano niya nakakayanang makipag-usap pa rin sa kaniya? 

"Because I have already built so much anger inside me that he didn't scare me anymore. I convinced myself that he should be scared of me instead..." He let out a short laugh. "But that's not always the case. If I am given a chance, I would always choose not to face him." 

"I want to be like you someday..." I looked in front again, hugging myself because it was already getting cold. 

"Don't... Because you're a good person," he said. "And your heart is pure. If anything, I want to be like you someday." 

I shook my head in disapproval. "If I could just see myself the way you see me... maybe I wouldn't hate myself too much." 

_______________________________________________________________________________

:)