TW: abuse

"Bro, you really don't want to join? It has so many perks. It might be important to have some strings to pull here in law school."

I shook my head while putting the books inside my bag after class. I was so damn lucky to not get called today. I failed to finish all the readings last time. 

"No, Miguel. I'm not joining a frat," I told him.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba palagi niya akong kinakausap kahit hindi ko naman siya gustong kausapin. He had been trying to get me join the frat he was a member of. I heard his older cousin was like a leader there. Hindi ko alam. Wala akong alam sa mga ganoon. 

"Come on. I know you want it. Join ka na, bro. Hindi mo pagsisisihan, I swear." 

"You can't ever take 'no' for an answer, can you?" I faced him, irritated now. I didn't give him a chance to answer and just walked away from the room. It wasn't a question that I needed an answer to. It just told me a lot about him as a person. 

Because I already knew some background about him when he was in college. I had too many connections before to not know a thing about him. Miguel Villaflor. Whenever Haze, Hiro, and I gathered, his name always came up. 

"Do you know a Miguel?" Once, Hiro asked about him while we were out for drinks. He looked bothered and mad. 

"There are so many Miguels in my circle. Delos Santos, Madahan, Reyes, Lero... The list is endless. Be more specific," Haze said, drinking on his glass. 

"Villaflor, I think?" As soon as Hiro said the surname, Haze almost choked on his drink. Both of us looked at him, wondering why. Sa aming tatlo, si Haze ang may pinakamaraming alam sa chismis. 

"What about him? Is he still out there?" Haze asked, furrowing his brows.

"Why? Should he be in jail?" I asked, laughing a bit. 

"Shouldn't he? Didn't he have a history of drugging people at a party? I just heard from a friend of a friend. Someone filed a case against him, but it was junked for some reason. By 'some reason,' I meant his father. Daddy's always there to save the day," Haze even mocked the last sentence in a high-pitched voice. 

"Villaflor, you mean the mayor?" I asked again. 

"His grandfather's also in the Senate. Uncles, all in the government." Haze pointed out. "That young man can't stain the surname, so they do everything to cover all his shit up." 

"He's a fucking monster." Hiro looked so mad by the way he held the glass. I almost thought it would break for a second. "If I could just..." Hiro made a choking gesture with both of his hands. 

"He's a very violent person, too, I heard. He likes beating people up just for feeling their breath on his face. I must say a child with a big ego, thinking he's above everyone else," Haze continued.

"He must be thinking he owns the people around him," I said, shaking my head. 

"You know Judie? She was in a relationship with Miguel before. I heard lots of stories from her, like how the boy cheated with five different women, even impregnated one, but there was a miscarriage, but that wasn't her sole reason for ending the relationship. He slapped her once, and then she said she was out." Hiro and I just listened to Haze as he told his stories. "That asshole. I'll break his bones when I see his face, and no one would know." 

"How is she?" I asked. "Is she okay?" 

"I wonder. Of course not," Hiro whispered, letting out a heavy sigh and massaging his temples. 

I heard a lot more stories about him, so the moment I saw him in the same class, I knew I was bound to live a terrible campus life. He never stopped bothering me the moment our eyes locked. He told me that I probably did martial arts before, which I did, but I never told him that. He wanted me in his circle for some fucking reason. Hindi ko rin alam. I never bothered asking. 

I went to the mansion to drop off two books for Elyse since she wanted to borrow some novels from me. It was such a wrong decision to go. The moment I went out of Elyse's room, Alfred was there, waiting. 

"Come to my office," he said in a stern voice.  

As soon as I went inside his office, he slapped me using the back of his hand. I couldn't hear for a second because of the loud impact. The next slap made an impact on the side of my lips, leaving it bleeding. 

"Were you hiding your mom's money from me?" He couldn't believe it. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nalaman. My bank account? Or my mom's bank account? How about my mom's will?

"Why? Do you want to get that from me, too?" I wiped the side of my lips with my thumb, flashing a sarcastic laugh. "Are you mad that she never left anything for you after leaving her with so many things like... Scars, bruises, trauma, a secret daughter-"

He held my jaw in his hand, getting more mad. "Don't talk about Elyse like that," he said under his gritted teeth.

I got out of his hold by wrapping my fingers around his neck and cornering him against the wall, choking him tightly as I watched him struggle to catch his breath. 

"Oh, no, don't get me wrong. This is not Eli's fault... This is all yours." I tightened my hold on his neck. All I saw was a monster. I couldn't stop myself.

"What? You want to kill me?" He was struggling to get the words out, but I still understood. "You want to get back at me? Then kill... me... now." He managed to give me an arrogant smile, pleased to see me turn into the same monster as he was.  

 "Do you want to die? Don't you think that's too easy, Dad?" I mocked. 

"Kill... Me..." he held my wrist. "So I could be dead... like your... mother." 

That was it. I was blinded with rage. He was already getting pale and pulling on my wrist so he could breathe for a second. I watched him struggle until I was snapped back to my senses and immediately let him go. I watched him catch his breath. The moment he laid his eyes on me, he smirked. I clenched my fist tighter, stopping myself again. Eventually, I was pulled away from him by an arm wrapped around my neck. 

"Ciandrei!" Kuya Roel yelled at me. Alfred was still on the floor, holding his chest and trying to catch his breath. My knees felt weak as I stared at my hands. The ones that almost... almost killed a person. 

My tears started pooling in my eyes as the medics hurriedly went in to check on my dad's condition. Kuya Roel dragged me away from the room, forcing me to stand up. "Tara na ho, bago ka pa makita ni Elyse." His voice was firm. 

I dwelled on it the whole night. I couldn't sleep at all. I was thinking of visiting my doctor again because... that was not me. For a second, I was out of it. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't... What if I was... I was becoming like him? 

I isolated myself from people, afraid that I would suddenly have the urge to hurt them like what he did to me. And... like what I did to him. I tried distracting myself... but I still had to be out there. 

"May problema ka ba sa ibang bagay? You're just distracting yourself right now." When Kierra asked me that, I knew that she was starting to learn how to read me, too. I should be more careful. 

"Just had a fight." I slightly covered the bruise with my hand. 

"Did a woman punch you?" 

"Not a woman." My dad... and oh, I almost killed him, too. What would be her reaction if I said that?

I couldn't get my thoughts out of my mind. I wanted more of her time when she told me she was about to go home. I wanted more of her presence. It helped me get distracted for a moment. An escape... that I probably shouldn't do, but once should be okay, right?

We went to the rooftop bar I frequently went to whenever I wanted to be alone. I liked windy places like the beach, rooftop, and mountains. It made me calmer. 

Sumandal ako sa may railings at dinama ang hangin, nakapikit. "It looks nice up here, right?" I looked at her and smiled. Not the kind of smile that I forced myself to make. It just sort of formed when I looked at her. 

When she asked me about having a girlfriend, I knew I had to say the truth. I had to give her an idea about my view on relationships, so she wouldn't want something more if ever she did. 

"Pero minahal mo ba sila?"

Love? "I don't know how to love," I honestly told her. With that, she said nothing. Was I expecting her to refute? 

I wasn't expecting anything from her... but I also did not expect her to catch my after-sex state when she went to my condo to get her things in my car. The woman I just had sex with left my condo so early in the morning. When I heard another knock, I assumed that she forgot something.

"What? Do you want more-" I stopped with my joke when I saw a different woman. "Fuck." I immediately closed the door and ran to my bedroom to get dressed. Fuck, it was Kierra. I didn't know why I was panicking, but I certainly didn't expect to see her here. 

"'Yong bag ko... Nasa sasakyan mo," sabi niya nang buksan ko ulit ang pinto. 

"Ah... Wait. I'll get it. You can stay inside for a moment." Right. She left it in my car.

"Ayaw ko at baka-"

"Shan! I knew it! You fucker!" Ah... Another one from last week, wasn't it? "Is this why you won't answer my calls?! You have another girl now! Why?! Do I not satisfy you?!"

"Oh my god..." I massaged my temple. "Go inside, and we'll talk." I was starting to get irritated. 

"Are you sure we're just going to talk?" She suddenly changed her tone. "I mean... What if we do other things..."

"Didn't you come here for that?" I needed to talk her out of it. A second time will never happen. "Either you go inside, or you leave."

When Kierra and I went to the parking lot to get her things, I blurted something I never thought of saying out loud. "Don't worry... I'll make the girl leave."

I was really going to make her leave... but why did I tell her? Was it so important for her to know? She said she didn't care, and it hurt a little. I tried to play it off, but it started bothering me. 

"I don't do it twice, remember? Leave," I told the woman. "And don't go here ever again." 

Having women in my old condo started bothering me, so I decided to stay in my condo in BGC more. Mas peaceful doon at walang nakakaalam ng unit ko kung hindi ang mga kaibigan ko. I found myself on the couch at night, staring at the ceiling. 

The sex... Last time... I didn't enjoy it. I had to fake it. What happened to me? Ito na ba ang inaabangan ko? That sooner or later, I will get tired of it. It won't satisfy me anymore.

[Isn't it obvious? You're in love.] Hiro laughed through the video call. [Other women don't seem to satisfy you anymore because you only want one person.]

"That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. Don't say that again." I rolled my eyes. 

[Am I right? You told me you've been seeing the woman who paid you four thousand?] 

"Yes, but that's not the reason. Not everything is related to her," I hissed, getting a bit defensive. I hope he didn't notice. 

[Oh, trust me, Shan...] He laughed again. [It's all about her.] 

***

"Her? Oh, that's Helen. Why are you asking?" 

Noong nagkasama kami ni Samantha, hindi ko na napigilang magtanong tungkol sa babaeng palaging kasama ni Ciandrei sa Instagram stories niya. She was also the one I saw before... sa may Japanese restaurant. She looked so gorgeous that I started to think that she was exactly his type.

"They're just friends, babe! Don't worry!" Tumawa si Sam at tinapik-tapik ang balikat ko. Hindi naman ako nag-aalala, ha! Curious lang naman ako! 

Pero hindi ko maiwasan ang mga tumatakbo sa utak ko. Madalas na akong bumabalik sa coffee shop para lang tingnan kung naroon siya at kung kakausapin niya ako. Naroon nga siya pero hindi niya ako pinapansin, maliban na lamang kapag kukuhanin niya ang order ko. 

That was when I realized that he didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I should do the same. I stopped going there just to see him anymore. Gaya ng dati, nag-aaral na lang ako roon at nagpapalipas ng oras minsan kapag hindi ako makatulog. The visit to the doctor helped me with my sleeping schedule.

"When was the last time you had a nightmare?" Dr. Peja asked. I was seated across her on a comfortable couch. She gave me something to hold, like a small ball, so I would stop playing with my fingers until they bleed. 

"Yesterday," I told her when I visited last Saturday. 

"Do you always dream of the same scenario?" she asked again.

I shook my head, looking down and squeezing the ball in my hand. "No... It's like a puzzle. Different scenarios but all on the same night, usually. Some other nights, kind of rare, but I also dream of other scenarios but the same nature of events. He's... hurting me or is about to." 

"You said all on the same night. Which night are you pertaining to?" 

"The night when I got hospitalized." 

I still couldn't tell her everything that happened that night. I was still warming up. I never told anyone except my old doctor. Dr. Peja never forced me to go into details, so I never felt pressure, but I knew that I should start telling her... slowly. 

"How are you these days, baby?" tanong ni Mommy nang magkita kami for lunch. Bumisita sila sa amin ni Luna at inaya kaming kumain sa labas pero busy si Luna kaya kami lang nina Mommy at Daddy. 

"I'm good, Mommy," I lied. "I'm doing great." Another lie. 

"You're not having troubles sleeping anymore?" tanong naman ni Daddy, nag-aalala sa akin. It took a lot of my strength to give them a smile. 

Ayaw ko nang mag-alala sila sa akin. I can't imagine what they felt when they saw me in the hospital bed. They were probably so devastated and hurt. I didn't want that to happen again. 

"No, Dad... I'm fine," I told him with a fake smile. 

But no, Dad... I wasn't fine at all because I saw him again. I was devastated again. My life was ruined again. I started going to the doctor again because I wasn't getting better. In fact, I was getting worse every night. And only now that I started picking myself up again. Slowly. 

Wala akong mapagsabihan. Ayaw kong sabihin kay Luna dahil ayaw kong maging pabigat sa kaniya. Marami siyang inaasikaso sa school ngayon. Mabuti na lang talaga at pumupunta ako sa doktor. Doon ko lang nilalabas lahat. 

"Ke... Look, oh. Ang ganda na ng flowers." Lumapit sa akin si Mommy at pinakita 'yong mga bulaklak. Nagtanim kasi siya noon tapos ang ganda na nilang tingnan ngayon. My mom and I liked flowers. "You should come visit. Uwi ka rin, ha."

I knew it was her way of saying she missed me in the house. Napangiti ako at sinandal ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. I loved my parents a lot. They were always there for me, loving me and supporting me. Minsan, pakiramdam ko hindi ko na masyadong nababalik sa kanila ang pagmamahal na binibigay nila sa akin. What could I do? I couldn't even love myself anymore. 

"Uuwi rin ako soon, Mommy," sabi ko sa kaniya. "I missed both of you." 

I felt safe in their arms. Kung pwede lang bumalik ako sa pagkabata... iyong panahong wala pa akong pinoproblema. Masaya lang ako. Masaya lang sa bahay. Masaya lang kasama ang kaibigan at pamilya. 

"Nandito ka rin pala." Nagulat ako nang umupo sa harapan ko si Theo. Nasa Yesterday's Coffee ako at gumagawa ng sketch. Nakasuot pa siya ng uniform at may hawak na iced drink sa isa niyang kamay na kalalapag niya lang sa lamesa. 

"Naging favorite mo na rin 'to, ha..." pang-aasar ko sa kaniya. "Mukhang dumadalas ka na rin dito." 

"Simula noong dinala mo 'ko rito, pabalik-balik na ako. May gayuma yata rito, ah." Nilapag niya rin ang gamit niya sa may lamesa para magsimulang mag-aral. Padilim pa lang sa labas. Wala si Ciandrei sa counter. Siguro nasa klase pa siya. 

"Wala kang kasama?" tanong ko at tumingin sa paligid. "Ka-date, ganoon?" 

"Wala akong ka-date. Ako lang 'to. Si Theo," pagbibiro niya.

"Kawawa ka naman. Sige, ako na lang muna ka-date mo ngayon." Tumawa ako at pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa ko sa sketch pad. Hindi siya nakapagsalita kaagad at naubo pa sa iniinom niya. 

"Ngayon lang?" tanong niya sa akin.

Napakunot ang noo ko at tiningnan siya ulit. Nakapahalumbaba na siya ngayon at nakatitig sa akin, hindi sa inaaral niya. Tumawa ako at napailing na lang sa biro niya. 

"Gusto mo ba akong araw-arawin? Manligaw ka muna. Hindi ako madali." Ngumisi ako sa kaniya bago uminom sa kape ko. 

"Hmm... Kung ganoon, puwede bang manligaw?" Tinaas niya ang isa niyang kilay. 

Napatitig ako saglit sa kaniya bago natawa. "Puro ka biro." Muntik na akong maniwala. Ang seryoso pa naman ng pagkakasabi niya. 

"Ha-ha..." Umiwas siya ng tingin at uminom na lang ulit sa drink niya, hindi na alam ang sasabihin. Napailing ako, nakangiti, bago bumalik sa ginagawa ko. Nagsimula na rin siyang mag-solve ng kung ano-ano roon. 

Madilim na sa labas nang may maramdaman akong pamilyar na presensyang dumaan sa gilid ko. Umangat ang tingin ko at nakita si Ciandrei na tuloy-tuloy lang na pumasok sa staff room. Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto, lumabas na rin siya sa counter, nakasuot na ng apron. Hindi ko alam kung nakita niya ako pero hindi siya tumitingin sa gawi ko. 

"Sino'ng tinitingnan mo?" Lumingon si Theo sa counter. "Gusto mo ba um-order ulit? Bilhan na kita." 

"Hindi na, sira!" Pinigilan ko kaagad siyang tumayo. Hinawakan ko ang palapulsuhan niya at hinatak ulit siya paupo. "Diyan ka na lang. Ako na ang bibili."

Naglakad ako papunta sa counter. Kada segundong lumilipas, pabilis nang pabilis ang tibok ng puso ko sa sobrang kaba. Ang tagal na ulit mula noong nakita ko siya rito. Noong nasa tapat na niya ako, ni hindi niya ako tiningnan at pumindot-pindot lang sa may monitor.

"What's your order, Ma'am?" tanong niya, hindi pa rin nakatingin sa akin. 

"Two slices of Oreo cheesecake. Iyon lang," sabi ko sa kaniya. Tumango siya at pumindot sa monitor. "Oh... Available ba ang Sakura drink?"

"For you or for him?" Nang magtama ang tingin namin, nahugot ko ang hininga ko. He was staring darkly at me. 

"For him?" Ayaw kong amining para sa akin. 

"Unavailable," sabi niya at binalik na ulit ang tingin sa monitor. 

"For me," pagbago ko ng sagot ko. 

Natigilan siya saglit bago tumingin sa akin deretso sa mga mata. "Unavailable," ulit niya, mas mariin na bago inabot sa akin ang resibo. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko bago nilagay ang bayad sa may maliit na tray. "Please wait on your table." 

Pagkabalik ko sa table, hindi na ako makapag-focus sa ginagawa ko. Sinara ko na ang sketch pad ko at ginulo na lang si Theo sa ginagawa niya. Tinatanong ko siya ng kung ano-ano kahit wala namang kwenta. Sinasagot pa rin naman niya. 

"Your order." Napaangat ang tingin ko kay Ciandrei nang ilapag niya ang dalawang plato ng cheesecake sa table namin. 

Agad namang tinabi ni Theo ang libro niya kaya natabig iyong iniinom niyang drink. Bago pa iyon tumama sa sahig ay nasalo ni Ciandrei iyong baso. Natapon nga lang ang laman. 

"Shit, sorry po!" Tumayo si Theo para sana punasan ang sahig gamit ang tissue pero umiling si Ciandrei sa kaniya. 

"Charlie, palinis ng sahig dito." May tinawag na staff si Ciandrei bago tuloy-tuloy na umalis. Sinundan ko lang siya ng tingin hanggang sa makapasok na siya sa loob ng staff room. 

"Nakakahiya. Makakabalik pa kaya ako rito?" nag-aalalang tanong ni Theo sa akin. Tumawa na lang ako sa kaniya, hindi na makapagsalita. 

Napilitan tuloy kaming umalis na pagkatapos malinis noong sahig dahil nahihiya na raw si Theo. Hinatid niya ako pauwi at doon ko na lang pinagpatuloy ang ginagawa ko. Abala si Luna na nagpe-paint sa sahig. Ganiyan siya kapag wala siyang magawa. Punong-puno na naman ng diyaryo ang sahig. May kaunting paint pa siya sa mukha nang lumingon siya sa akin at ngumiti. 

"Kumusta? Saan ka galing? Kaya mo nang mag-isa?" tanong niya sa akin. 

"Diyan lang naman ako pumunta sa café. Malapit lang naman," sabi ko sa kaniya at tumango naman siya. 

"Pinuntahan mo ulit siya?" 

Natigilan ako sa pagpasok sa kwarto ko nang magtanong siya. Nang lumingon ulit ako sa kaniya, naghihintay na siya ng sagot ko. "Hindi... Nag-aral ako," sabi ko sa kaniya. Nag-aral naman talaga ako roon. I mean... sinubukan ko. 

"Pero nandoon siya?" Tumango ako sa kaniya. "Tapos... Hindi kayo nag-usap?" Umiling naman ako ngayon. "Hmm... Then he must not like you that much, then?" 

"He never said he liked me," sabi ko naman. "Ako lang ang... ganito. Feeling ko ako ang problema..." 

Pakiramdam ko ito na naman... Pinapahamak ko ang sarili ko. Naiisip kong kasalanan ko na naman kapag nasaktan ako. Ako 'yong nagpapauto. 

"Hindi ikaw ang problema, Ke," malinaw na sabi ni Luna sa akin. "Walang problema sa 'yo. Malay mo naman he's just being careful? Alam mo naman ang nangyari last time sa BGC. Baka alam niya?" She fed some ideas into my mind. 

"It's impossible for him to know," sagot ko naman sa kaniya. "Magkaibigan nga sila..." Naramdaman ko ang paglubog ng puso ko mula sa dibdib ko. "Hindi sana sila magkaibigan ngayon kung alam niya kung anong klase ng tao 'yon." 

"Sure ka ba na magkaibigan sila?" Tumaas ang isang kilay niya sa akin. 

Hindi ako sumagot at pumasok na lang sa kwarto para ibagsak ang sarili sa kama. Nakatitig na naman ako sa kisame, nag-iisip kung tama ba ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Maybe... I got too much on my plate right now. 

I should never act on my feelings. The last time I got into a relationship, it turned into a disaster. Maybe he could be different... Maybe he would treat me differently. Those were the thoughts I wanted to set aside. It wasn't like he was willing to be in a relationship with me. He already made it clear that he didn't know how to love and that he didn't want something serious. 

It was a game all along... and I already knew I lost. Natalo nga ako pero hindi ko na kailangang ipaalam sa kaniya 'yon. Hindi niya malalamang natalo ako kung hindi ko aaminin sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko. 

Uto-uto ba talaga ako? Madali ba talaga akong mahulog sa tao? Lapitin ba talaga ako ng trahedya? All the thoughts boiled down to blaming myself again. It had to stop. 

I didn't have a good sleep, but not a bad sleep either. Hindi ko matandaan ang panaginip ko at nagising ako noong madaling-araw pero nakatulog din ako kaagad. Pumasok lang ako para magpasa ng plates ko at mag-take ng quiz, tapos maaga na kaming pinauwi. 

"Pupunta ka ulit sa coffee shop?" tanong ni Luna sa akin habang naglalakad kami palabas. Nawala na bigla si Via. Baka may date na naman sila ni Arkin o kung ano man. 

"Dadaan lang ako." Iyon naman ang totoo. Gusto ko lang talaga ng kape. Bibili lang ako at uuwi na rin kaagad dahil wala na akong deadline para bukas. Hindi ko na kailangang mag-aral o gumawa ng plates. 

"Magpapasama ka?" maingat na tanong niya ulit. Umiling kaagad ako sa kaniya. Kaya ko na ang sarili ko roon. Ayaw ko ring samahan niya pa ako dahil baka asar-asarin niya ako kapag nakita si Ciandrei doon. 

Magkasabay kaming sumakay ng jeep at bumaba rin. Iyon nga lang, dumeretso na siya sa condo habang ako ay pumunta na sa coffee shop. Hindi ko alam kung hihilingin ko bang sana wala siya o sana naroon siya. 

But it was the latter. As soon as I went inside, I already saw him at the counter, talking to the other guy in the cashier. I assumed he was teaching him because he was new. 

He looked pale when I closed in. Sinulyapan niya lang ako bago may sinabi sa bagong employee. Tumango ito at pumasok na sa may staff room. "What's your order for today, Ma'am?" he asked formally. 

"Sakura drink. Is it available now?" subok ko. 

He looked at me and bit his lower lip, thinking. Napailing din siya at binaba ang tingin sa monitor, umiiwas sa akin. "Why are you doing this?" His voice was hoarse. 

"May sakit ka ba?" tanong ko na dahil hindi siya mukhang okay. He didn't look as healthy as he was before. 

"I'm fine." He cleared his throat. "Excuse me." Tumalikod kaagad siya sa akin at tinawag ang bagong employee para siya ang kumuha ng order ko bago siya tumakas papunta sa may staff room. 

Umalis ako sa counter at umikot sa kabilang side para pumunta roon sa kabilang pinto ng staff room para kumatok. Tanaw ko siya mula sa may maliit na glass window ng pintuan. Nakaupo siya at umiinom ng tubig. Nang hindi niya ako pansinin ay pumasok na ako roon at muntik na niyang mabuga ang iniinom niya. 

"I'm sure it says 'staff room' out there," he said, smiling a little. 

"Hindi ko nabasa," I lied. Umupo ako sa may kabilang upuan, katabi ng locker. "Are you sick?" tanong ko ulit. 

"I might be." His voice was teasing again. Napatayo ako at naglakad palapit sa kaniya bago nilagay ang kamay ko sa may noo niya. Natigilan siya saglit habang pinapakiramdaman ko ang temperature niya. 

"Nilalagnat ka." Tinanggal ko ang kamay ko. He looked like he would pass out in a moment. Nang tumayo siya, muntik pa siyang mapaupo sa sahig kaya hinawakan ko ang braso niya. "Umuwi ka na kaya?" 

"Ke, please, stop caring, please." Umupo siya sa may bench at napatakip sa mukha niya. Sinandal niya ang dalawang siko sa may tuhod, mukhang nahihirapan. Ang tanging nasa utak ko ngayon ay iyong tinawag niya sa akin. My nickname. 

"Bakit?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"You know it's not good for you." Tinanggal niya ang takip sa mukha niya at bumuntong-hininga, nakatitig na sa sahig ngayon. 

"Not good for me or not good for you?" I hissed. 

Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin, hindi makapaniwalang lumabas iyon sa bibig ko. Hindi ba iyon naman talaga? Siya ang may problema sa pagkakaroon ng relasyon sa ibang tao. 

"You don't understand, Kierra. I'm not the one deciding on this," he said in a stern voice. 

"By 'this,' you meant what?" 

"Our relationship." 

Relationship? Did that just come out of his mouth? He despised that word. 

"And what's our relationship?" I pushed further. 

He made a frustrated groan and looked up, closing his eyes like he was asking help from the heavens before looking at me again. I couldn't notice how he was already losing colors on his face. He was struggling to keep the conversation going. Maybe that was why he was more honest. 

"I don't know. You tell me... because you have the upper hand here, Kierra. This is the first time I'm not in control of my feelings," he said, his eyes piercing into my soul. 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)