"Congratulations, bro! You made it!" 

Inabutan ako ni Hiro ng bulaklak nang matapos ang graduation ceremony. I finally graduated Psychology cum laude despite my worst adjustment period in college. I explored many things, but I am glad those did not affect my grades. It felt really different because I was studying the program I was interested in. 

I did not tell anyone that my graduation was today, except for Hiro and Acel. I did not want Elyse to know because she will just try to bring the whole family to the ceremony, which was the last thing I wanted to happen. 

I graduated earlier than Hiro because his program was for four years, tri-sem. He and our other engineering friends were left. I was planning to take a break for a year before I enroll in law school, but I knew I will get bored, so I planned to enroll in some barista training while taking a break. 

"I heard you just graduated. We didn't know. Here's our graduation gift." Tita Erin handed me a small box. "That's from me and... your dad," she sounded hesitant to say. 

I just dropped Elyse off when I picked her up from the mall again but somehow, Tita Erin caught me leaving. Sinabi ko kay Eli ang tungkol sa graduation ko noong tapos na pero kinwento niya na rin pala sa iba. Napailing na lang ako bago binuksan 'yong maliit na box. 

"Oh..." I didn't know what to feel when I saw a car key. Lumingon ako sa paligid hanggang sa makita ko ang nakatakip na sasakyan sa may gilid ng mansion. I pressed the key and it made a sound so I walked towards it to remove the cover. 

It was an Audi. 

"Good job on graduating as cum laude," Tita Erin said. "I noticed that your car was getting old, so I told your dad to replace it... It should be your early birthday gift too." 

I can't believe Alfred really got convinced to buy me a new car. Well... Maybe he really loved her. Maybe he loved Tita Erin more than my mom. I was convinced that he just really didn't have any affection for us... because if he did, then he should have treated us like how he treated his current family. 

Maybe we weren't deserving of his love... but I could not care less about what could happen because it already did. He already inflicted a kind of trauma and pain that I could never forget, nor was I planning to. I realized later that it wasn't because we weren't deserving of his love... but he was really just not capable of loving. It was his problem, and I was collateral damage. 

"Thank you," I told her. I left my old car there and rode my new car home. It felt good driving it that I felt thankful to Tita Erin... not to Alfred. No amount of money was enough to pay me back for all the pain he made me go through. 

I started my barista training a week after and also took baking classes because I was planning to open my mom's coffee shop again. I went to classes on weekdays, and then, during the weekend, I would go party with my friends. Because I was taking a break from school, I just felt free to party and drink. 

"Are we done?" the woman asked, covering her chest with the blanket. I nodded and stood up, putting my shirt on. "Can't you stay a bit more?" 

"Don't you know how one-night stands work?" I asked with no emotion before getting my wallet and my phone. It was already four in the morning. I ditched the party at three to get some action with the girl. I even forgot her name. Fuck. 

"You're going to text me back... right?" she asked, hopeful. 

I didn't answer and just gave her a small smile before saying goodbye. It was the last time we saw and talked to each other. The next night, I was already fucking with another girl. I was everywhere. A party won't end without me getting a quick fuck. No commitment involved. 

"I told you, I don't do it twice." I lit a cigarette while leaning against the wall when the woman I met last week asked me if we could do it again during a party. 

"You can have an exception..." She ran her hands on my chest, trying to get me aroused. "Come on. Just this time. The man I was talking with dumped me..." 

I shook my head and removed her hand on my chest, getting irritated now. I inhaled some smoke before letting it out, looking in the other direction so she would know I wasn't interested. 

"You can do whatever you want," she offered again. 

I closed my eyes in irritation before staring her down and making a step closer. She leaned against the other wall and just let me corner her there, biting her lower lip. I put the cigarette in my mouth and inhaled it until she tiptoed and suddenly kissed me, the smoke going from my mouth to hers.

I did not kiss her back. I just allowed her to kiss me once before I pulled on her ponytail, making her look up at me, aroused. "Are you going to fuck with me now?" 

I let out a short laugh before cupping her chin. "Find another man," I said before throwing the cigarette in the bin and walking away. 

I tried dating or getting-to-know people, but all of them had something I didn't want. It just didn't work for me. Finding a woman who didn't want to commit like me was also hard. Since I wanted to prevent them from wanting more, I lived by my rule that I won't do the same deed to the same person twice unless I really knew this person won't want more from me. I wanted things to stay fun and playful. Nothing serious. Nothing more. 

"Wala ka bang nahahanap na kahit isa lang na naisip mong... Shit, parang gusto ko na mag-commit. Wala talaga? Zero?" tanong ni Neil sa akin habang nag-iinuman kami. 

"There's no hope for this guy to fall in love. Huwag na kayong umasa," sabi naman ni Arman. "Shan will always be Shan. All fun and games." 

"I will still hope," Hiro said, laughing and leaning on the chair. "Shan will meet his match one day."

I doubted that. I never saw myself having a serious relationship where I will plan my future with someone. That disgusted me. I can't imagine doing those couple things like holding hands, sweet hugs, smiling between kisses, prioritizing my partner's happiness over mine, and constantly worrying about someone. Was that what people called love? It sounded like it will drain my energy a lot. How bothersome. 

I got invited to Samantha Vera's birthday, so I forced Hiro to go with me because his ex won't be there anyway. 

"Saan ka nagii-stay ngayon?" I asked the familiar woman I met last time in the club. I had already forgotten her name, but I remembered that she was from UST. "Are you okay?" I asked when she didn't answer. She looked distracted. Muntik pa niyang madura ang iniinom niya. 

I parted my lips in shock when she suddenly held my nape and kissed me. She was not my type, but since she had already made the first move, I tried to kiss her back. I was about to say something when she suddenly left after kissing me. 

"What?" tanong ko sa sarili ko, nakatulala. "Did I just get dumped?" 

I told Hiro about what happened, but he looked so distracted by something. I just went around again to talk to other people until I got bored. "Lipat tayo ng club, bro," I told Hiro when I had enough of the party. 

When I went out of the club with Neil and our other friends, we saw a woman struggling to keep herself up. "Hi! Okay ka lang?" She looked like she needed help. It was also pretty dangerous to pass out around here.

"What are you doing? A damn charity, dude, tingnan mo naman tropa mo." 

I was about to help her up, but she suddenly stood up and fell into Hiro's arms. My friend, on the other hand, looked so annoyed. 

"Can you check her wallet for her address?" I did... but it only had twenty pesos and one I.D. with a provincial address. She was from Laguna. 

I laughed when Hiro was forced to take the woman home. Of course, it was Hiro. As much as he hated it, he just couldn't ignore it when people needed help. "It's Hiro's type," I told Neil, laughing a bit. 

"Parang hindi naman. Ayaw noon sa mga sakit sa ulo," sabi niya sa 'kin pabalik. 

"That's exactly his type, bro." Tumawa ulit ako habang naglalakad kami papunta sa kabilang club. "I bet he will develop a crush on her the next morning." 

I still continued my classes when weekdays came, but I also studied for my law school entrance exams. I would still have time to go to parties during the weekend, but since Hiro got himself a new girl, wala na rin akong nakakasama masyado. Huh... It must be good for him. 

"Don't tell me you like the person already?" I asked Hiro when I went to their house for dinner. His mom invited me. I became her third son ever since. 

"He likes who?" tanong naman ni Haze nang marinig. "What the fuck, did you get yourself a new girlfriend?" 

"No, and shut up," Hiro hissed. He looked like he was thinking deeply about something. Ah... He did. He liked her. I knew it. 

"Do you want me to help you? I'm good at this," Haze offered, smirking. He looked so proud with it... as if he was dating a lot of people at that moment when he was actually in a serious relationship with Acel. 

"I won't take advice from someone who took weeks to admit that he liked the person," Hiro teased his brother. 

"Boys, don't start," Hiro's mom warned them when she served the food. I was the nicest son here who gave her an innocent smile. "Did you get yourself a new girlfriend, Hiro?" 

"No, Mom. She's not my girlfriend. She won't be," he defended himself. "We're keeping it casual." 

"How about Giselle? How is she? I haven't heard from her for a long time." I covered my mouth to stop myself from laughing when Hiro's mom asked about his ex. Napasigaw kaagad ako nang maramdamang inapakan ni Hiro ang paa ko. 

"Mom, they already broke up decades ago," Haze said, exaggerating it. "But you should invite her for dinner." He gave Hiro a teasing smile. 

"What if we also invite all of the people Haze dated? I think it's time to book a concert hall." Napasapo ako sa noo ko nang gumanti si Hiro. Magsisimula na naman sila. 

"Lies. I'm pretty loyal now. Both of you just wish you were me." Haze smirked and even put his hand on his chest proudly. 

"I wish you will move out of this house." Hiro shook his head. 

"This tastes good, Tita," I told Hiro's mom just to change the topic and stop the Juarez brothers from starting another argument. "It would taste better if we didn't invite the two kids to the table." 

"They're just like that, but they actually get along well." Hiro's mom smiled. Hiro made a disgusted face when Haze looked at him and sent him a teasing flying kiss. "See? They're cute." 

"I... don't think they agree," I told her when Hiro and Haze started kicking each other below the table. 

"Okay, Hiro. This is enough. As the bigger person, I will stop kicking you now. If you kick me again, that is solely on you," Haze suddenly announced with his low voice. 

"Tita, I'm actually opening a coffee shop soon," I changed the topic again.

"Really?! Wow, Shan! That's great! Your mom also loved coffee and baking before," she said. "She must be proud of you. Did you tell your dad?" 

I didn't answer and just gave her a smile. Hiro almost choked on his food when he heard his mom's question. "Stop asking about that dick, Mom," Haze bravely said. 

"Haze Limuel! Language! We're eating!" Hiro's mom scolded him. "It's not nice to call people names." 

I understood because she also knew nothing... because whenever I would go to Hiro's house before, I would just make lots of excuses about my bruises. Well, it wasn't like I saw her home a lot, but she probably thought it was normal for kids to get hurt sometimes while playing games or running around. 

"Can we buy Ledezma Group, Mom?" Hiro curiously asked. 

"I can't tell if you're joking or not." Hiro's mom was so confused. "Why would we do that?" 

"He's probably joking, Tita," I assured her while glaring at Hiro. "How about let us all just enjoy dinner, huh? That sounds better. A peaceful dinner, right?" 

***

"No, I won't eat dinner with you. I need to go home." 

Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa unit niya, alam ko nang mayaman siya. It was a unit with glass walls so you could see a nice view of the city. Mataas ang ceiling kaya malalaki rin ang kurtina. It was a loft type of unit so you could see the bedroom on the second floor. May itim na metal stairs paakyat at may maliit na sofa at TV rin doon. 

There was a large kitchen on the first floor, a shelf full of alcohol bottles, a mini-bar, and a dining table. Mayroon ding malaking living room with a large couch, bean bag, TV, PlayStation 5, then three doors. He showed me around the unit even when I didn't ask him to. C.R 'yong isang door, and then study area niya 'yong isa with his bookshelves full of law books, and 'yong isa, guest room. It was a really nice unit. I wanted something like this. 

"The lighting must be good here in the morning." Sumilip ako sa may kurtina para makita iyong view ng city. He had so many machines related to coffee kaya naiisip ko siyang gumagawa ng kape tuwing umaga pagkagising, tapos ang ganda pa ng tama ng araw sa unit niya. It looked comforting. 

"To see is to believe. How about you stay over until morning?" he offered, smirking. Napairap ako sa kaniya at naglakad papuntang dining area para umupo sa mataas na upuan. 

"Ikaw lang mag-isa rito?" tanong ko habang tumitingin sa paligid. He made some strawberry shake for me and placed it on the table. 

"Technically, I'm with you so..." He shrugged, nang-aasar. Sarkastiko akong tumawa para iparamdam sa kaniyang hindi nakakatawa 'yon at hindi ako nakikipagbiruan sa kaniya. 

The strawberry shake tasted so good that I was forced to stay longer while he was busy baking cookies. I didn't know he also baked. Mukha ngang matagal na siyang nagbe-bake dahil natural na ang mga galaw niya, sanay na sanay na. He was even wearing an apron while preparing the cookies, which made me smile a little. It was a cute apron. 

"How high is your alcohol tolerance?" tanong ko nang pagmasdan ang mga collection niya ng alak. 

"Do you want to drink with me, so you should know? Walang uuwi hangga't hindi ako nalalasing," he offered again. I felt like he was doing everything to make me stay longer. 

"Crush mo ba ako?" deretsong tanong ko at pinaningkitan siya ng mga mata. 

He glanced at me and laughed a little. He didn't even look surprised when I asked that, like he was expecting me to say something that brave. "Is it too obvious?" he said while getting the cookies inside the small oven that looked like a microwave. 

"Liar," sabi ko at napailing na lang. I knew he was playing when he replied that. He didn't look sincere with it. Tinawanan niya lang ang sinabi ko at hindi na tinanggi dahil totoo naman. 

Nilapag niya ang plato ng cookies niya sa harapan ko kaya kumuha kaagad ako. "Careful! It's hot-" Nabitawan ko kaagad iyon at sinipsip ang daliri ko nang mapaso ako sa init. 

Tumayo pa ako at hinugasan ang daliri ko para mabawasan ang kirot. It wasn't a serious burn. Namula lang pero mukhang nag-alala talaga si Ciandrei nang lumapit siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko para tingnan. 

"I told you. It's hot," he whispered while looking at my finger. Binawi ko kaagad ang kamay ko at bumalik sa kinauupuan ko para kumuha ulit ng cookie. This time, I waited until it was cold. 

It was tasty and not too sweet! He must be a good baker. Napaisip tuloy ako kung ilang taon na niyang ginagawa 'to. Kaya siguro mabenta 'yong coffee shop niya dahil kakaiba rin ang mga recipe niya. He was a good baker and a good barista. Hindi ko na itatanggi 'yon sa kaniya. 

"Magkano 'tong condo mo?" tanong ko dahil masyadong tahimik. Plano ko ring bumili ng ganitong klase ng condo kapag nagkatrabaho na ako. Loft-type tapos nasa mataas na floor para maganda ang view. 

"I don't know. My mom bought it for a low price before. It's pretty expensive now." He sat in front of me and leaned his elbow on the table before getting a cookie. 

"Wow. Sobrang business-minded siguro ng Mom mo. She must be so rich." Gusto kong magtanong ulit tungkol sa Mommy niya kaso naalala ko kung paano niya iniwasan ang tanong ko noon. Ayaw siguro niyang pag-usapan. Close kaya sila? Baka hindi kaya ayaw niyang sagutin. 

"How about you? I don't know anything about your family." Siya na ang nagtanong ngayon. "Apologies if it's something you can't answer." 

"No, I have a good relationship with my parents. Huwag kang mag-alala. Hmm... Wala ako masyadong masabi sa kanila. My dad helps at my uncle's company and my mom owns a school. Iyon lang." Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit kinekwento ko sa kaniya 'to pero dahil nagtanong naman siya, walang rason para hindi ko sagutin. 

I remembered he was a Lopez-Ledezma, so hearing something like this would probably not faze him. It was something small for him when his family owned hotels, resorts, and other buildings. 

"How about your family?" I tried asking. 

He stood up and just opened the fridge like he didn't hear me. "Do you want water?" He changed the topic again. 

Napangiti na lang ako nang tipid at tumango sa kaniya. Tinanggap ko na lang na wala naman kami sa relasyon para sagutin ang mga tanong ganoon ng isa't isa. Ni hindi nga kami magkaibigan. Napaisip tuloy ako kung ano ang sasabihin ko kapag may nagtanong kung anong relasyon naming dalawa. Magkakilala? 

May tumawag sa kaniya bigla kaya nawala siya saglit. May ipapasa yata siya sa isang subject kaya tumayo muna ako at umupo sa sofa habang naghihintay. Binuksan niya pa ang TV para sa akin. 

Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba wala akong tulog o dahil sa boredom. Hindi ko na napansing nakatulog na pala ako. Pagkagising ko, gabi na at nakahiga na ako sa malambot na sofa. May kumot pa ako kahit hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling 'yon. 

"Shocks..." Napaayos ako ng upo at humawak sa ulo ko, inaalala kung ano ang napanaginipan ko. I did not wake up panting and I couldn't remember anything. Hindi ko nga alam kung nanaginip ba ako o hindi. 

Napakuha kaagad ako sa cellphone ko nang mag-ring na naman 'yon. Nakakaraming missed call na pala si Luna! Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasagutin 'yon! Paano kapag tinanong niya kung nasaan ako?! Video call pa naman ang tawag niya. 

"Oh, you're up." Dumaan si Ciandrei na nakasuot na ng white sweater at checkered pajamas. Nakasalamin pa siya at may hawak na makapal na libro. Sa isang kamay naman ay may hawak siyang mug. "Here. Drink this. It's pretty cold since it's raining so hard outside." Binaba niya ang baso ng mainit na gatas sa table. 

"Bakit hindi mo ako ginising?!" reklamo ko kaagad, nagpa-panic na dahil hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko sa pinsan ko. "Hala, umuulan pa!" Umuulan at gabi na kaya alam kong sobrang traffic ngayon pabalik. Baka nga baha pa sa ibang area. Napasapo ako sa noo ko, nahihiyang magpahatid pabalik. 

"Let's just wait for a few hours. The rain should calm down by then." Tiningnan niya ang relo niya. "I'll just study. Come find me in the study room if you want to go home already." 

It was weird to see him that serious. Natahimik na lang tuloy ako at ininom iyong gatas habang nakabalot ako ng kumot. Ang lamig naman nga aircon! Umuulan na nga sa labas, eh. 

To: Luna

ginabi na kami ni sam dito na ako matutulog 

In just a few seconds, she replied. 

From: Luna

kasama ko si sam ngayon 

Napaawang ang labi ko sa gulat at napapikit na naman nang mariin. Hindi gumana iyong pagsisinungaling ko, ha! Dapat pala tinawagan ko muna si Sam para makumpirma. Pucha, ano nang sasabihin ko? Mabilis pa naman ang utak ni Luna pagdating sa mga ganitong kasinungalingan. 

From: Luna

sinong kasama mo ha saan yan bagong jowa mo ba yan gusto mo sikmuraan ko yan 

Natakot kaagad ako at pinatay ang cellphone ko para hindi na siya makatawag. Kada minuto ay tumitingin na lang ako sa labas para malaman kung tumila na ba ang ulan o hindi. Kapag binubuksan ko iyong isang bintana, palagi naman akong nabibigo. 

Nanood na lang ako sa Netflix hanggang sa ma-bored ako at pumunta sa may dining area. May iniwan na palang pagkain si Ciandrei roon. May sticky note pa ng pangalan ko sa paper bag. 

The unit was so big but here I was, eating alone. Paano ba ako napunta sa sitwasyong 'to? Niligpit ko na lang ang pinagkainan ko pagkatapos at kumatok sa study room ni Ciandrei. Dahan-dahan kong binuksan 'yon nang walang sumagot at nakita ko siyang nakasandal ang ulo sa may lamesa. 

"Hello?" Naglakad ako palapit nang hindi siya sumagot. Napatakip kaagad ako sa bibig ko nang mapansing nakatulog na pala siya sa pagbabasa. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit at tinanggal iyong salamin niya. Gumalaw siya nang kaunti pero hindi pa rin nagising. 

Paano na ako uuwi nito? Ayaw ko naman siyang gisingin at mukhang wala rin siyang tulog. Napanguso na lang ako at naglakad palabas. Humiga ulit ako sa sofa at tumingin sa kisame, hindi na inaantok ngayon dahil kagigising ko lang. 

Pagkapasok ko ng C.R, nakita kong may nakatuping twalya roon at mga damit. May sticky note din doon ng pangalan ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan galing 'yon pero nag-shower na lang ako at nagpalit ng pajamas. Ang laki sa akin! Mukhang pajama niya pa yata at damit niya 'to! Mabuti na lang at may panty-liner akong dala palagi sa wallet ko kaya nakapagpalit ako. 

It was already three o'clock in the morning when I fell asleep again after playing PS5. Nagising na lang ako kinabuksan nang tumama ang araw sa mukha ko. Agad akong napaupo nang mapagtanto kung nasaan ako. 

"Damn, it's the first time I had a woman sleep over without us ending up on the same bed." Nagulat ako lalo nang makitang nakatayo na si Ciandrei sa harapan ko at umiinom ng kape. "Good morning." 

Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko. Ang plano ko, uuwi na ako kapag inantok ako at kapag nagising na siya. Hindi ko inasahang makakatulog pala ako bigla! Hawak ko pa yata 'yong controller nang makatulog ako! 

Tumayo kaagad ako at pumunta sa C.R para maghilamos. Pagkatapos ay uminom na rin ako ng kapeng tinimpla ni Ciandrei. 

"Kailangan ko na talagang umuwi. No joke," kinakabahang sabi ko sa kaniya dahil pagbukas ko ng phone ko, galit na galit na si Luna. 

Mabuti na lang at wala na siyang sinabi. Hinatid niya na lang ako sa may tapat ng condo ko. Alam niya na tuloy kung saan ako nakatira... kung hindi pa niya napansin noon na malapit lang ang condo ko sa coffee shop kaya ako palaging naroon. 

"Wednesday, eight o'clock. See you in Yesterday," sabi niya sa akin nang bumaba ako sa sasakyan niya. 

"Whatever." Wala akong balak pumunta. "Thank you." Nagmadali na akong umakyat sa condo, nagdadasal na para sa bubungad sa akin. 

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pinto para hindi magising si Luna pero halos mahimatay ako nang makita siyang nakasandal sa may ref at nakakrus ang braso sa dibdib. 

"Saan ka galing?" Tumaas ang isang kilay niya. "At ano 'yang suot mo? Ni hindi ka man lang nagpalit. Halatang galing ka sa jowa mo..." 

Hindi na ako nagkaroon ng oras para magpalit ng damit! Marumi na rin iyong damit na gamit ko kahapon! "Sorry... At hindi ko jowa 'yon. Kakilala ko lang. Nakatulog ako bigla habang naglalaro ng PS5. Walang halong biro." 

"Hmm..." Pinagsingkitan niya ako ng mata. "So bakit hindi ka sumasagot sa tawag ko?" 

"Lowbatt," pagsisinungaling ko. "Huwag ka na magtanong. Nakauwi ako nang buhay. Okay na 'yon." Dali-dali akong pumasok sa kwarto ko at ni-lock ang pinto para hindi na niya ako mapagalitan pero rinig ko sa labas ang sermon niya na kesyo nagrerebelde na raw ako sa kaniya at hindi niya ako pinalaking sinungaling. Napailing na lang ako. 

Naging busy ulit ako sa school noong magkaroon na naman ng klase pero hindi mawala sa utak ko ang sinabi niyang magkita raw kami sa Wednesday. Sabi ko sa sarili ko ay hindi ako pupunta pero pagkatapos ng klase, nakita ko na lang ang sarili kong namimili ng susuotin. 

"Huh? Bakit namimili pa ako ng susuotin? Diyan lang naman 'yon..." bulong ko sa sarili ko. Napailing na lang ako at nagsuot ng usual na hoodie at shorts. 

Hindi ko alam kung bakit dinala ako ng mga paa ko sa coffee shop na 'yon pero pagkarating ko, wala pa naman siya. Sabagay, seven forty pa lang naman kaya naghintay na lang ako roon. Nag-aral na lang ako para hindi ko maisip kung bakit nagpauto ako sa lalaking 'yon. 

Noong eight o' clock na, wala pa rin siya kaya naisip kong baka late lang. Naghintay ulit ako. Nakailang order na ako ng tinapay at nakapag-refill na rin ako ng kape pero wala pa rin siya. Kahit ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit naghihintay pa ako. 

Tapos ko na lahat ng kailangan kong aralin pero wala pa rin siya. Noong ten o' clock na, tumayo na ako at niligpit ang mga gamit ko. 

Nagsayang lang ako ng oras. Bakit ba kasi ako naniniwala roon? 

Noong naglalakad na ako pabalik sa condo, natanaw ko ang sasakyan niya sa may gilid ng daan, sa tabi ng coffee shop. Masyadong madilim pero natanaw ko ang mukha niya nang may dumaang sasakyan. May kausap siyang babae habang nakasandal siya sa kotse at nakapamulsa. Niyakap pa niya 'yong babae at hinaplos ang buhok. 

"Hah..." Natawa na lang ako nang sarkastiko. Hindi ako makapaniwalang naghintay ako para sa wala. "Tanga..." bulong ko nang maglakad na paalis. 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)