"Are you sure you can move your stuff alone?" 

Right after my high school graduation, I didn't even have time to celebrate as soon as I got home. I just started packing my things so I could move to my condo. Wala akong pakialam kung hindi pa start ng classes at may summer pa. Kailangan ko nang umalis sa bahay na 'to. I had waited for it my whole life. 

"Kuya Roel will help me," I told Tita Erin. Elyse was just outside and seated on the stairs, pouting. She was probably mad at me for leaving the house too early, but she would never understand why. Not at her age. Siguro kapag lumaki na siya, maiintindihan niya na. I just hoped she wouldn't learn it the hard way. 

I was still hesitant to leave because of Elyse. What if dad started showing his true colors to her? That... wouldn't happen, right? I had seen enough to know that he could never treat her like how he treated me because she was his favorite child. She was the loved child. He was different around her. 

But I still planned to visit often just to check up on Elyse. I can't just leave her here alone... but she had her mom and I had enough of this set-up. Gusto ko nang makawala. Kahit wala akong alam kung paano mamuhay mag-isa, aalamin ko, makaalis lang sa bahay na 'to. 

I packed all of my things with no plans of coming back. I only left the furniture because the unit was already furnished. I heard Tita Erin helped with it. Wala na rin akong pakialam kung ano ang hitsura ng unit. I could live anywhere else except here. 

"Are you mad at me?" I sat beside Elyse on the stairs when Kuya Roel gathered all my things and put them in the van. She couldn't even look at me. She was so bad at hiding her feelings. 

"No." Umismid siya at tumingin sa kabilang direksyon, ayaw akong kausapin. 

"I will visit you often. We'll still see each other." I tried to make her feel better, but she just crossed her arms over her chest and still refused to show me her face. 

"Trust me, Eli. Once you grow up, you wouldn't want me around you anymore." I laughed and poked her cheek with my finger. She probably would start hiding boys from me or 'yong pagpunta niya sa parties. Who would want a strict brother around them, right? 

"That's not true!" Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin. I think I just made the situation worse... but she still wouldn't be able to understand. She could say that now but I knew she would change her mind after realizing that she wanted to be alone too. Kapag lumaki na siya, tatakas na rin 'yan sa bodyguard niya. Tatakas na rin 'yan sa driver. Tatakas na 'yan sa akin or sa Mommy niya. 

"Well... I have to go now." Tumayo ako at naglakad pababa ng hagdanan ngunit huminto ako para tingnan siya ulit. I didn't want to go with her sulking like that, but my dad will go home in a second, so I wanted to leave without seeing him. "Goodbye, Eli. You have Jewel. She will replace me here." 

She just rolled her eyes and hugged the puppy. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa kaniya bago naglakad palabas, leaving the house. It was a new start for me... A new start of a peaceful life. 

The van moved out of the gate at the same time I saw my dad's car enter. I felt relieved when we were finally on the road. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. "Finally..." I whispered out of relief. 

"Kaya mo ba ang sarili mo?" Kuya Roel asked while driving. I gave him a small smile while looking outside the window. 

"What could be worse than being around someone who always wanted to kill me?" What could be worse than that, right? I managed to survive. Barely. But I still did. I could survive being alone. Besides, Hiro will be near me. 

"Proud ako sa 'yo, Shan." It felt good to hear that from him. It felt good to hear that from anyone who knew all the shit I went through. 

It was already dark when we arrived at the unit. Kuya Roel and I started moving my stuff until late evening when I told him to go home already because I could fix all of them by myself. When he left, I sat on the couch and looked around. Tita Erin designed it so well that it fit my personality. I liked the colors. I liked the furniture. 

I was alone... but I felt free. There were a lot of things to learn, and I had all summer for that. I started learning how to cook while still attending my martial arts classes. I learned how to clean. I learned how to pay the bills with the allowance dad gave me. The more I spent time alone in the unit, the more I forgot that I had a dad. He was just... Alfred to me. 

I cut the skin of my finger lots of times. I stumbled and fell while cleaning and fixing stuff. I also sometimes forgot to pay the monthly dues. But all of them were part of the learning process. No matter how hard it was, I still tried to survive... because there was no other person or thing that could kill me now but me. 

"This is a nice unit, bro!" Hiro looked around but he didn't get the chance to get into the details of the unit because we had to go immediately. Ngayong araw namin ihahatid si Acel sa Pampanga. He will start living in the dorms kaya tutulungan namin siyang maglipat ng gamit. 

Hiro hired a driver to Pampanga. Natulog lang ako buong byahe kaya pagkagising ko, naroon na kami sa may school. It was in a large field with lots of planes around. Pababa pa lang ako ng sasakyan, nakikita ko na 'yong mga eroplanong nagla-land. It was amazing. 

Acel said he could fix his things alone, so we just ate outside for the last time before we left him there. Since we were already in Pampanga, I requested to go visit Bataan. I just wanted to see the beach again. 

"It's my mom's death anniversary," I informed Hiro while looking outside the window. He nodded and didn't know what to say. He just looked lonely for me. 

We went to the nearest beach and just parked the car on the side of the road. Wala naman masyadong dumadaan doon. I just removed my shoes and started walking barefoot on the sand until I reached the beachfront.

I stood there and watched the waves as they got up and fell, creating a peaceful sound of water splashing against the land. I felt the wind blowing my hair, which never failed to make me feel warmth and comfort. I liked windy places... because it always felt like someone was beside me or embracing me. 

"Your mom must be so proud of you right now," Hiro said, standing beside me with his hands inside his pockets. 

"I haven't achieved anything." I laughed and shook my head. Why would she be proud of me? 

"You're living. Today." Hiro glanced at me. "That's enough achievement, Shan." 

Right. He was right. I was still alive. It could be something small that was normal for everyone but not for us. Not to me. I lived today and yesterday and the past days, past months, and past years. I lived a continuous yesterday. It was something to celebrate. It was something that I should be proud of. 

What did college feel like? I could not fucking describe it in words. I just entered a world I knew nothing about and had such a hard time keeping up. The adjustment period for first year was shit. People approached me to make friends at least but from high school to college... The subjects tripled their level. 

It took me one year to adjust. College introduced me to a lot of firsts. First time partying. First time drinking. First time trying a cigarette. First time dating. First time kissing. I was like a wild animal out of a cage. I explored a new world with my friends and Hiro. I didn't know freedom could also taste this bad, but I didn't care. 

"What did your aunt say to you again?" Hiro asked when we went out of the bar for a moment to get some fresh air. 

I shook my head and sighed heavily. "My mom will transfer everything she owned to me... At twenty-one. It was... so fucking many. I didn't know she had so much. I was a kid and thought she just had a school, and that's it."

"What?" Hiro gasped and covered his mouth in shock. "Like what? Bro, that's amazing! You don't need to talk to that old man anymore." 

"She... owned a large condo unit in Taguig and Rockwell. She also had land properties... and a damn coffee shop, which is already closed down, but I could open it again once I graduate." I was so thrilled to tell Hiro all about it. 

I didn't know my mom was rich. She could easily get out of Alfred's mansion but she... chose to stay for me. Part of me was thinking that Alfred owed his success to my mom. My mom helped him with his company when he was still starting. Ledezma Group. 

The more I got older, the more I also realized that my dad owed me responsibilities. He should at least pay for my tuition and give me an allowance because those were the only things he could do as a father. I was thinking of it as him making up for all the shit he made me go through... Although I knew those weren't enough. 

"I won't use my mom's money until I have to. The old man's rich. I should take advantage of that," I told Hiro. Well, I actually still had nothing to use. I wasn't twenty-one yet. 

"Are you still planning to go to law school or med school?" 

"Law school sounds fun." The side of my lips rose, thinking about the additional expenses for Alfred. I actually had no interest in law or med, but I just wanted to do more things. I didn't want to get bored. 

I was always occupied in college, masking the fact that I was alone. I made lots of friends who never got to really know me. They were friends that I could just hang out with but not open myself to. I attended lots of parties and also hosted some. I drank a lot until it was impossible for me to get drunk anymore... which was the same with Hiro. 

It was almost the start of our third year when we decided to visit Acel in Pampanga. He started classes earlier than us, so we just waited for him to finish while waiting in the lobby of their school. Hiro also took that chance to earn hours, so I was alone on the couch, waiting for the both of them. 

"Oh, Shan. You're here. Want some?" Haze suddenly sat beside me and offered me what he was eating. A doughnut. He was an instructor for aspiring pilots kaya narito siya palagi. I heard it was just his part-time because he actually had a high position in their company. 

"Shan!" Napalingon ako nang makita si Acel na kalalabas lang ng lecture room at nagmamadali nang maglakad palapit. He was holding onto his backpack when he suddenly slowed down, looking at the man beside me. Napakunot ang noo ko at tiningnan si Haze. 

Acel was about to walk towards us when a woman suddenly grabbed his arm shyly. They were talking for a long time. It sounded like a confession. When I looked at Haze, he was just on his phone, talking to some businessmen. 

"What was that?" I asked Acel when he stood in front of us. 

"A confession." I knew it. He glanced at Haze again, who couldn't care less. He was just busy with a call and gave Acel a nod when he saw him staring at him. My brows furrowed, looking back at Acel again. "Let's eat outside! Are you going?" He asked Haze, getting his attention.

"For a moment." Haze raised his finger before ending the call. "No, I won't go. Why would I go?" nagtatakang tanong niya rin. 

"Yeah, why would he go?" I asked, too, getting confused. Acel did not answer and just looked away, which made it even more suspicious. 

"I have a meeting to attend to. Say hi to my brother for me. Adios!" Ngumiti siya at tinapik kaming dalawa ni Acel sa balikat bago umalis. 

When he left, Acel sat beside me and stared at nowhere. Matagal akong napatitig sa kaniya, nagtataka. "Do you..." I couldn't ask the question. He was just looking at me and waiting for me to finish the sentence. "Nevermind." I looked away and leaned on the chair, thinking. 

"I have a crush." My eyes widened when I heard Acel talk. Napalingon kaagad ako sa kaniya. "But he already rejected me." 

I couldn't talk. I... already knew who it was. 

"Are you giving up?" I asked him. He just gave me a small smile. A sad one. "You're giving up..." 

***

"I give up! I can't remember!" 

Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at tinakip ang unan sa mukha ko. Kanina ko pa inaalala kung ano 'yong sinabi ko kay Ciandrei kagabi! Ang naaalala ko lang ay pagkatapos naming mag-usap, pumasok ulit ako sa loob ng restaurant at sabay kaming umuwi ni Luna. 

"Luna!" sigaw ko. Agad-agad naman siyang tumakbo papasok ng kwarto ko na para bang may nangyari sa aking masama. Nagtu-toothbrush pa siya at nakaabang ang kamay sa baba kapag may tumulo mula sa bibig niya. "May nakita ka bang lalaki sa labas ng restaurant kahapon noong umuwi tayo?" 

Tinanggal niya ang toothbrush sa bibig niya. "Anong lalaki? Wala naman!" At binalik niya ulit. 

Inis akong pumadyak-padyak sa hangin dahil hindi ko maalala. I knew I was with him last night. I knew he asked me about our limitations... pero hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinabi ko! Tapos... tapos... Pagkabukas ko ng Instagram ko, fino-follow ko na siya! 

"Kierra... Ano ba naman 'to..." bulong ko nang umalis na si Luna. Kailangan kong malaman dahil baka may mali akong nasabi. Iyong usapan lang na 'yon ang naaalala ko at wala nang iba. Sa lahat ng puwedeng makalimutan, bakit nasama 'yong sinabi ko? 

This won't do. Agad akong nagbihis para bumisita roon sa coffee shop pero nang makarating ako roon, ang sabi ay day-off niya. Day-off niya na naman? Bumili na lang ako ng fruit cup para hindi nakakahiya bago bumalik sa condo. Buong weekend ay iniisip ko 'yon pero hindi ko talaga maalala. Hindi na rin naman kami nagkita o nag-usap ni Ciandrei pagkatapos noon. 

"Lalim ng iniisip, ah. Hirap sisirin!" Natauhan ako nang marinig ang boses ni Sevi sa tabi ko. "Isang barbecue ho tsaka dalawang kwek-kwek," sabi niya sa nagtitinda.

Nasa may Dapitan kami nina Via at Luna, kumakain ng street food habang wala pa 'yong next class. Kasama ni Sevi si Theo kaya binati niya rin kami. Siniko naman ako ni Luna, nagpapahiwatig dahil nariyan si Theo. Sinamaan ko tuloy siya ng tingin. Ano na namang trip nito? 

"Libre ko kayo tig-iisang barbecue. Sige na, habang mabait pa ako!" nakangising sabi ni Sevi. Wow, ha! Nanlibre! Siyempre, hindi kami tumanggi. Kinuhanan ko pa siya ng picture kasama ang barbecue na hawak ko at nilagay sa IG story ko para magpasalamat sa libre. Isang himala. 

Tatlong araw akong dumadaan sa coffee shop tuwing umaga para bumili ng kape pero palagi siyang wala. Ayaw ko namang tanungin kung kailan siya dadating ulit kaya simula noon, hindi na lang ako bumisita. Umiwas na lang din ako... pero buhay pa naman 'yon, 'di ba? 

Napaupo ako sa pagkakahiga ko nang makita ang IG story niya ngayon lang sa club. May mga kasama siya sa couch at may katabi siyang babae na hawak niya naman sa baywang. "Hmm... Okay." Maybe he got himself a new girlfriend. 

I tried sleeping again but woke up twice at midnight for no reason. Maybe I dreamed of it again, but I couldn't remember. Noong pagkagising ko, hindi ko na maalala ang napanaginipan ko. I was just always panting when I woke up. It was better than remembering. 

Noong pangalawang gising ko, five o'clock pa lang pero hindi na ako makatulog ulit kaya nagpalit na lang ako ng pang-exercise at nag-jogging sa may baba ng condo. I kept on running and running until I got tired and just decided to sit down. Hingal na hingal ako habang pinapanood sumikat ang araw. 

What was I trying so hard to forget? 

Sam suddenly messaged me to have breakfast when she saw me online on Instagram. Sinundo niya ako pagkatapos kong magpalit ng pangtaas dahil pawisan na. She was the opposite of me when I saw her. She looked so fresh and clean in the morning. 

"Ang aga mo namang nagising," sabi ko sa kaniya. Six thirty pa lang at nag-aaya na siyang kumain. 

"I also worked out," sabi niya. "You were the only one online, so I messaged you." 

She drove to BGC to have breakfast. Napakalayo pero ililibre naman daw niya ako kaya wala naman akong reklamo. Mabuti na lang at maganda ang panahon kaya makakapag-breakfast kami sa labas ng restaurant. Hindi pa masakit sa balat ang araw at mahangin pa. 

"How's it going?" tanong niya habang naghihintay kami ng order namin. Nasa table kami sa labas, nakasilong sa malaking payong. "With Dr. Bautista?" 

Napailing ako sa kaniya. "I stopped going..." 

Natahimik siya at tumango na lang sa akin, nag-iisip. "I know another doctor. Dr. Peja..." she suggested again. Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at hiningi pa rin ang contact para naman hindi siya mag-alala sa akin. I knew she was just trying to help. I didn't want to refuse Sam's help. She always wanted the best for us. 

"Do you know... A guy named Ciandrei?" tanong ko sa kaniya nang maisip. Mukhang nagulat siya at kinuha ang phone niya para mapakita sa akin ang Instagram profile. "Oo, ayan..."

"Why? What's with Shan? Is he flirting with you?" sunod-sunod na tanong niya kaagad na para bang alam na niya ang nangyayari. So he was really always associated with flirting, huh? "He's my friend, but you better be careful if you don't want your heart broken." 

"Bakit?" I was curious what other people could say about him. 

"Don't get me wrong. Shan is a good person, but in terms of commitment, he's... everywhere." I knew exactly what she meant by that. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit palagi kong nakikita ang lalaking 'yon. "What I mean is... He doesn't set his mind to only one thing. He always wants to do stuff. He always wants to occupy himself... with parties, books, or dating. Pagkatapos ng isang gawain, may kasunod. It's hard to keep up with him."

"At hindi rin siya nauubusan ng ka-fubu?" Because he said he didn't want to date anymore. He just wanted to fuck. 

"I can't answer that. I don't know about that," she said, trying so hard not to spread rumors. "But when you hear his name, you just know he's a walking heartbreak. There's no chance of commitment with him. It's because you would think that he cares... but he doesn't. He's just nice. He's just like that to everyone." 

"Mabait ba 'yon?" Napailing ako, hindi makapaniwala. Paano siya naging mabait? 

"Well, he treats his friends nicely. It's just that... hanggang doon ka lang. It always feels like you know him as a person but you don't actually know him deep inside. He has walls around him that only his closest friends can enter." 

Nararamdaman ko 'yon madalas. Alam niya palagi ang iniisip ko pero wala akong ideya sa kung ano ang tumatakbo sa utak niya. He was just that hard to read. Minsan, akala ko alam ko na pero parang pinipigilan niya ako. It made me even more curious. What was he like? Sino ba talaga siya? 

"If you're a no-commitment type of woman, then he's perfect for you... but never hope for anything more than what he offers because you'll just end up getting hurt. You can't change your mind midway because he never did. He has never fallen for anyone before. He never committed to anyone before. Just saying." Nagkibit-balikat siya at sumimsim sa iniinom niyang shake. "Baka masaktan ka lang kapag sinubukan mo..."

It was like hearing a different character from a different movie with the same name. Seeing him from other people's perspectives made me feel like I knew him even more... when I actually didn't. Besides his name, school, reputation, wala na akong alam. 

"He actually lives around here now..." Lumingon sa paligid si Samantha. Napaawang ang labi ko sa gulat. Dito?! Sa BGC?! "Yes, Kierra, he's rich as hell. He's a Lopez-Ledezma." 

"Huh?" Napakurap ako. A Lopez-Ledezma? A... Ledezma?! "As in Ledezma Group?" 

"He lives in one of those fancy big buildings..." Tinuro ni Sam ang mga nasa harapan namin. "Which could probably cost millions."

"Hindi ba siya barista?" nagtatakang tanong ko. "At bakit ang layo ng pinagtatrabahuhan niya? Sa QC?"

"I told you... He likes doing a lot of stuff at the same time. Pinagsasabay-sabay niya. It's probably just his hobby." Tumango-tango siya. Wow... I was learning a lot of stuff. "Which coffee shop ba?" 

"Yesterday's Coffee." 

"Oh, he owns that," she pointed out. 

"Ano?!" 

Hindi ko alam kung binibiro niya ako o hindi pero mukhang seryoso siya sa sinabi niya. Bakit naman siya magsisinungaling?! Pero... Paano nangyari 'yon?! Wait... Now everything made sense! Wala siyang schedule because he can work whenever he wanted to! He can even have unlimited day-offs! 

"Pucha." Napahawak ako sa ulo ko. I never knew all of these things before. Well... Kahit kailan naman ay hindi ko siya tinanong. Takot kasi akong baka isipin niyang interesado ako. "Hindi ko in-expect." 

"You're funny, Ke! Everyone knows that!" Tinawanan pa niya ako. "Why? Are you interested in him?" 

"Yuck, hindi ah!" tanggi ko kaagad. "Nakikita ko lang siya sa coffee shop pero madalas na rin siyang wala roon." At bakit ko pa sinabi 'yon?! 

"Hmm... So you even notice his absences." Nang-aasar na si Sam. "You want to know more about him? Don't worry... You're not the only one asking me questions." 

Huh? Anong ibig niyang sabihin? Pero teka... Hindi ako interesado, ha! Ano ba 'tong iniisip ni Samantha?! I just gave her the wrong idea.

"Oh, speaking of the devil..." Binaba ni Sam ang shake niya at ngumuso sa isang direksyon.

Pagkalingon ko, nanlaki ang mga mata ko at umayos kaagad ng upo. Tinago ko pa ang mukha ko nang makita si Ciandrei na pumasok sa restaurant. He was wearing workout clothes at mukhang katatapos lang mag-jogging. 

"If you're that curious, you should ask him why he doesn't visit the café anymore," natatawang sabi ni Sam, nang-aasar na naman. 

"Sam!" I warned her. 

Kaswal lang akong umiinom sa shake ko habang nakatingin sa ibang direksyon para hindi ako mapansin ni Ciandrei. Hindi nga niya ako napansin pero... nakita naman niya si Sam! 

"Yo, Sam! What's up? I didn't know you're here. I should have treated you for breakfast," rinig kong sabi niya nang lumapit. Napapikit ako nang mariin, sinusubukan pa ring itago ang mukha ko sa kaniya. 

"Oh, come on. It's fine, Shan. Thanks for your kind thought. Anyway, this is my friend, Kierra." Napaawang ang labi ko nang marinig ang pangalan ko. Samantha?! Hindi na siya ang Samantha na nakilala ko! She just betrayed me! 

Pagkalingon ko, nagtama ang tingin namin ni Shan. A memory suddenly flashed through my mind when I saw the look on his face. 

"So, how close can we get, Kierra? What should be our limit? You tell me," he whispered, staring me down. 

I unconsciously reached out to touch his face as he watched my hand go near him. He raised a brow when my palm touched his cheek. There was a band-aid on it. 

"Should there be a limit?" I asked. I couldn't even see him properly anymore. My vision was going in circles, which made me laugh. "Crazy idea. I want to get to know you more..."

________________________________________________________________________________

:)