"Congratulations, Shan! You did so well! Wow, I'm so proud!" 

I was surprised when I got home and saw many food on the table like there was something to celebrate. Elyse and her mom were both standing at the edge of the table, wearing party hats. I furrowed my brows, still confused what all of these were for. 

"You passed La Salle!" Tita Erin said. "Elyse told me!" 

Oh... All this fuss just for that. I gave them a small smile before walking towards the dining table, putting my things at the side. I didn't want to make it such a big deal since I was destined to study there in the first place. Sumusunod lang ako sa plano namin ni Hiro. 

"Great job!" Tita Erin clapped when I blew the candle. May cake pa. 

"Thank you," I told her. "I'll shower." Nagpaalam kaagad ako at umakyat sa kwarto ko dahil kagagaling ko lang sa school. I appreciated the effort but she looked more excited than me. 

I took a shower and changed into my pajamas before going downstairs. I was planning to eat peacefully until I saw my dad seated at the edge of the table, ready to eat like it was his own celebration. I stopped and clenched my fist, thinking if I should still go. It made me lose appetite just by seeing his face. 

"It's just college. I'm sure Elyse can pass there, too," I heard him tell Tita Erin. "You didn't have to celebrate it." 

"Is it that hard to be happy for your son?" Tita Erin lowered the volume of her voice, afraid that I would hear them talking. 

I was about to go back to my room when Elyse suddenly called my name. I looked back and gave her a smile, then walked towards them, acting like I didn't hear their conversation just now. Umupo ako sa upuang pinakamalayo sa kaniya. It came to the point where I didn't want to breathe the same air as him. 

"Elyse, do you want to study in La Salle too?" Dad asked her. I ate quietly while listening to their usual family conversation. 

"Yes! I want to follow Kuya!" Eli looked so happy with it. Oh, my dad must be so pissed that his lovely daughter was closer to me than him. That Elyse wanted to be like me and wanted to follow me everywhere. I was sure the least he wanted to happen was seeing Elyse follow my footprints. 

"What program did you take, Shan?" Tita Erin asked.

"Psychology." I had no emotion on my face. I did not even look at her when I answered.

"After college, do you have more plans?" Good thing she didn't ask the reason why I chose that program. I would probably ruin their family dinner by talking about my dad's behavior. 

"Not yet," I said, pursing my lips. I was barely surviving. Planning that much might just disappoint me in the end. 

"Plan your life, and don't waste the chance I gave you. You wouldn't even have the chance to have a future if I didn't take you when your mother died," my dad said with a scoff. 

Everyone at the table suddenly became silent. I tightened my grip on the utensils while counting on my head to calm myself. I wanted to talk back so bad... but I didn't want Elyse to witness it. The last time I talked back to him was two days ago. The bruise on the side of my face was still visible. When Elyse asked about it, I said I had a fight at school. 

"Done." I stood up and put my plates on the sink before walking calmly upstairs with both of my hands inside my pockets. I was just trying to stop myself from clenching my fist. My nails were already hurting my palm. 

As soon as I entered the room, I sat down on the bed and closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I played the scene in my head. The scene where I talked back to him. It did not end well, and I ended up getting hurt, but I was relieved that I said what I wanted. I felt satisfied creating that scene in my head, so it calmed me down. 

Tita Erin already convinced my dad to let me move to a condo near my university for college. He probably agreed because he didn't want to see my face in his mansion anymore. I felt the exact same way. I would rather live alone in a small unit than live in a big house with him. He also agreed to give me allowance every month in exchange for not bothering him... as if I fucking would. 

"I miss you, mom." I sighed again before closing the window. 

It was too late to realize that life was better when I was with my mom and stepdad compared to this. This was complete torture. I wasn't just forced to be with him but witnessed him put an act every day in front of his new wife and daughter. I wished they knew... I wished they knew how he was. 

I was always wondering why Tita Erin forgave him, but it was probably because of Elyse. Elyse needed a father. She was willing to forgive and forget just to give her daughter a good life... just like what my mom did to me. She put up with all of those because she wanted to give me a family. 

But if the younger me had a choice, I would choose to be alone than let myself go through all of those. I think I would be safer alone than having a complete family, than being around that kind of father. 

The next day, Hiro and I went to Wings Club after class and even asked Acel to go with us. He said he will after his class, so we just waited there with ice on my jaw. I asked the waiter for an ice pack. What a bad day. 

"Aren't you taking martial arts classes every summer?" Hiro asked, and I nodded. I already tried different categories of martial arts. I was doing what I can to protect myself... although I still couldn't fight my dad back. Sometimes, I froze. Sometimes, I had this idea in my head that it would be better if he just killed me. Maybe... Just maybe... he would feel remorse. 

We started joking and laughing until I saw that familiar face again. I blinked twice just to make sure that it was really her. I didn't notice how long I was staring until Acel blocked my view. 

"Why are you looking at my schoolmates?" nagtatakang tanong niya sa akin na para bang may gagawin akong masama. "And what happened to your jaw?" 

"He accidentally got punched!" Hiro tried so hard not to laugh, but the funny scene just kept repeating and repeating inside his head. 

"But... How about here?" Acel pointed at the one with the band-aid, and Hiro suddenly stopped laughing, changing his mood. Both of us couldn't answer Acel so he quickly understood. 

Acel sighed heavily before sitting down beside me, taking the ice pack from my hand so he could hold it instead. He was always this kind and caring to everyone. I was worried that students might look down on him or just push him over because he was too nice. 

"You really need to get out of that house. I told you to live with me instead," Hiro told me, shaking his head. 

"I'm not your mother's son." I let out a short laugh and lightly hit his arm. It was true... I wasn't anyone's responsibility except my dad.

I changed the topic so we could talk about our college programs instead. Acel will take the scholarship in FlyAsia's flying school while Hiro will take Mechanical Engineering in La Salle while also earning hours in FlyAsia. Si Acel na naman ang naiiba sa aming tatlo. Hindi lang naiiba, malayo pa. Sa Clark pa ang school niya. 

Nakasalubong ko pa papuntang counter 'yong babae. She didn't see me, which was better because she would probably just roll her eyes at me again. She was being playful with the one in a messy bun, so she almost spilled the drink on me, but I held her hand to avoid it and then quickly walked away. 

When it was time to go home, it was raining so hard so I texted Kuya Roel to pick me up. Nauna si Hiro at Acel pauwi sa akin. Si Hiro, sinundo. Si Acel naman, naglakad papuntang sakayan dahil may payong naman daw siya. 

When I looked over to my side, the students from Valeria High were already planning to go home. The familiar girl was left alone when the girl with the bun went to the nearest convenience store. We were far apart from each other, but it still felt awkward. 

She reached her hand out to see if the rain was still pouring hard and just got disappointed because it was. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked at her watch, getting impatient. 

Kuya Roel already stopped in front of the small stairs, so I knew I had to go. I opened my umbrella and I froze when I was about to go down the stairs. 

"Damn it," I whispered before walking back to the restaurant. I left the umbrella right in front of her and covered the top of my head with my bag before running to the car. 

Nang sumilip ako sa may bintana ng sasakyan, nakita kong gulong-gulo siya pero kinuha niya pa rin 'yong payong at bumaba ng hagdanan para sumunod sa convenience store. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, leaning my head back. 

"Girlfriend mo, Shan?" Kuya Roel suddenly asked. 

I didn't know I could get so defensive. I started blurting out things just to deny my connection with that girl. "I don't even know her name!" I added. 

"Okay..." Narinig ko siyang tumawa kaya nanahimik na lang ako. "Nagtanong lang..." 

***

"Tanong ka kasi nang tanong! May bagong jowa ka na ba?!" 

Nagpakawala ako ng malakas na tawa, hindi makapaniwala sa narinig ko kay Luna. Nagtatanong lang naman ako kung may lalaki siyang sinabihan ng pangalan ko o kung nireto niya ba ako sa ibang lalaki! 

"Sure ka? Hindi mo 'ko nireto?" tanong ko na naman para makasiguro. Nagtataka pa rin ako kung paano niya nalaman ang pangalan ko! Stalker ba siya? Wala naman 'yon sa mga social media accounts ko! 

"Gusto mo ba ng reto, Ke? Gagawan natin ng paraan 'yan. Teka, ha..." Kinuha niya ang cellphone niya at dumapa sa may sofa. Pinakita niya sa akin ang mga finofollow ni Samantha para makapili ako roon. "Ito, mukhang okay 'to... pero dapat kilalanin ko muna para alam ko kung maayos... pero pwede rin natin itanong kay Sam..."

"Ayaw ko ng reto, okay?" Umiling ako sa kaniya at napasapo sa noo ko.

"Ang gulo mo naman kausap! Akala ko ba gusto mo ng reto?!" reklamo na naman niya sa akin. Tinatanong ko lang! Paano ko naging gusto 'yon?! "O, siya! Huwag kang mag-alala! Hihingi ako ng tulong kay Sevi! Baka may mareto 'yon sa 'yo! Taga-engineering kaya?" 

"Wala akong plano magkajowa ulit." Napasandal na lang ako sa upuan at minasahe ang sentido ko, iniisip kung saan niya nakuha ang pangalan ko. 

"Teka... Si Theo?! Ayaw mo ba sa kaniya?!" Dali-daling umayos ng upo si Luna at mukhang excited pa. "Mukhang okay naman siya! Gwapo, matalino, matangkad, may pangarap sa buhay, future engineer, tapos mukhang crush ka pa noon." 

"Hindi ako crush noon," sabi ko naman sa kaniya. 

"Pusta ko, crush ka noon," maangas na sabi niya, mukhang confident na confident habang nagii-scroll pa rin sa phone. "Gwapo rin 'yong boses. Saan ka pa? Ayaw mo noon? Architect tsaka engineer? Power couple kayo sa future." 

"Hindi kami bagay." Ang kulit talaga ng babaeng 'to. Wala na akong oras isipin 'yong sinasabi niya dahil gulong-gulo ang utak ko kay Ciandrei. "Hay..." 

Todo tingin pa rin si Luna ng mga lalaki sa followings ni Sam habang tinatapos ko ang plates ko. Naging busy ako noong weekend hanggang Thursday sa rami ng ginagawa sa school. 

"Ano? 4M tayo?" aya sa akin ni Luna. Inuman iyon sa Dapitan. 

"Mukha bang ang kaunti ng dala-dala ko?" Pinakita ko sa kaniya 'yong plates ko. 

Ang dami kong dala noong pauwi na ako pagkatapos ng klase dahil nagbalik ng plates at ang bigat pa ng bag ko. May dala pa akong drawing tube na nakasabit sa isa kong balikat. 

"Hay, sige na nga! Ikaw, Via?" 

"Pass," sabi ni Via na marami ring dala. 

"Ah, ano ba 'yan! A-attend na nga lang ako ng meeting!" paalam ni Luna sa amin. 

Tinali ko na lang ang buhok ko dahil ang init pa maglakad papuntang Noval. 4 PM pa lang at tapos na ang klase ko. 

Habang naglalakad ako sa Plaza Mayor, biglang may kumuha ng dala-dala kong illustration board kaya napalingon ako. "Ako na magdadala," sabi ni Theo, nakangiti sa akin. 

"Oh, wala ka nang klase?" tanong ko sa kaniya habang kinukuha niya ang drawing tube sa balikat ko. 

"Wala na. Nakatambay lang kami nina Master sa QPAV." Sinabayan niya akong maglakad.  "Hatid na kita pauwi. Mukhang ang dami mong dala, eh." 

Lumabas kami ng Gate 2 at tumawid ng overpass para pumuntang sakayan. Mabuti na lang at maaga pa kaya hindi siksikan. 

"Ah, may dadaanan pa 'kong coffee shop." I was craving for the drinks. "Alam mo ba 'yon? Yesterday's Coffee?" 

"Hindi pero naririnig ko sa mga kaibigan ko kasi may crush silang barista roon." Tumawa pa siya. Parang alam ko ang tinutukoy niya. 

"Tara, libre kita. Sinamahan mo naman ako, eh." Nang ngumiti ako sa kaniya ay agad siyang umiwas ng tingin at napakamot sa batok niya. 

Sumakay kami ng jeep at pumwesto sa bandang dulo para hindi mahirapan sa mga dala-dala ko. Pagkatapos kong magbayad ng pamasahe, tinago ko na ang wallet at phone ko sa bag. Mahirap na. 

Pagbaba namin ay tumawid ulit kaming overpass para makapunta sa coffee shop. Pinagbuksan pa ako ni Theo ng pinto bago sumunod sa akin papasok. Namamangha siya habang tumitingin sa paligid. Malawak at maganda kasi talaga ang interior ng café. 

"May ganito pala rito?" mahinang sabi sa akin ni Theo. 

Napahinto ako nang makitang kakalabas lang ni Ciandrei sa staff room at nagtatali ng apron sa likod. Gulat din siya nang makita ako pero agad akong umiwas ng tingin. 

"Hanap ka na ng upuan," bulong ko kay Theo at sumunod naman siya kaagad. Nang iwan niya ako sa counter ay pumwesto na si Ciandrei sa cashier at inayos ang monitor. 

"Long time no see," he said while his fingers were busy with setting up the monitor. "Here for a date?" 

"Can I order a 'mind your own business' please?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Ang chismoso naman. 

With that, he laughed and glanced at me. "What else? A hot 'leave me alone'?" 

"One strawberry matcha latte and one iced americano. To-go, please," matinong order ko na sa kaniya. Wala akong panahon para makipag-ululan sa kaniya. 

"Why don't you eat here?" At nag-suggest pa nga siya. 

"Okay. Can I also get two slices of Oreo cheesecake?" I put the bills on the small basket and waited for him to give me the receipt. Pagkatapos noon ay bumalik na ako sa may table namin ni Theo. 

He asked me about my busy week so I started complaining about workload. Ang daming pinapagawa ngayon! Wala na akong tulog! "Bakit ko ba pinili 'to..." Napadukmo na lang ako sa may lamesa. 

"Natutulog ka pa ba?" tanong niya sa akin. Natigilan ako at umayos ng upo, inaalala kung paano ako tuwing gabi. Minsan, napapanaginipan ko pa rin siya pero minsan hindi na. Minsan maayos ang tulog, minsan wala talaga... pero mas mabuti na 'yon kaysa dati. 

"Oo naman." Ngumiti ako sa kaniya at tumango. "Ikaw ba? Kumusta engineering? Wala ka pa rin bang jowa?" 

Napaisip siya sa tanong ko pero umiling din. "Simula noong pasukin ko ang engineering, kahit kailan, hindi na ako naging maayos, Ke," madramang sabi niya kaya natawa ako. "Seryoso nga!" 

Hindi na ako makatawa nang may maglapag ng tray sa table namin. Sumandal ako at pinanood si Ciandrei ibaba ang mga order namin bago niya inalis ang tray. Nanatili pa siya roon kaya tumingin ako sa kaniya at tinaasan ng kilay, nagtatanong kung bakit hindi pa siya umaalis. 

"Enjoy your meal," he said with a smile before leaving. Napakunot ang noo ko. That was so unlike him! 

"Pogi, ah. Iyon siguro 'yong tinutukoy ng mga kaibigan ko," bulong ni Theo sa akin. 

"Pogi ba 'yon?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko. Napaawang ang labi niya habang bitter akong umiinom ng iced americano. Fine... Aaminin kong medyo gwapo naman siya pero... 'yong ugali?! Nakakainis! 

Binilisan ko ang kain ko para makaalis na sa coffee shop na 'yon. Hinatid naman ako ni Theo hanggang sa lobby ng condo bago siya nag-commute pauwi. Pagkauwi ko, nag-shower lang ako at humiga na sa kama ko. Na-curious ako bigla at sinubukan siyang i-search sa Instagram. 

Hindi ko makita ang 'ciandrei' sa followings ni Sam kaya sinubukan ko iyong nickname niya. Tama nga ako. 

shanlopez

97 posts | 7,543 followers | 678 following

see me in yesterday. 

Napakunot ang noo ko nang mabasa ang bio niya. I said that to him! Was it intentional? Wait... He was already following me! 

Nag-scroll pa ako sa feed niya para tingnan ang mga photos. Puro inuman ang nakikita ko at pictures niya sa iba't ibang mga tao. He really enjoyed his college days, huh... Madalas siyang nasa party sa mga posts niya but his older posts were pictures of him at the beach... May aso rin... and then a little girl. 

Should I follow him back? Pinag-isipan ko pa 'yon. Kaya ba ng pride ko? 

Umiling na lang ako at natulog na. I skipped my Friday morning classes just to get some more rest then attended the afternoon ones. Nag-aya na naman ng inuman ang blockmates ko at dahil nakapagpahinga naman ako, sumama ako. I really needed to get out more. Besides, Luna will be there so I was sure there was someone to take care of me. 

Sa Korean BBQ restaurant pala kami pupunta at iinom. Saktong-sakto at gutom na rin ako. It was somewhere near Yesterday's Coffee kaya malapit lang din sa condo namin ni Luna. Madaling makakauwi. 

"Cheers!" Tinaas ko rin ang baso ko at ininom ang beer na may halong soju. Nakakailang bote na rin kami at medyo nag-iinit na ang pakiramdam ko. Mukhang okay pa naman si Luna kahit medyo mas makulit na siya ngayon. 

Hindi na ako kumakain dahil baka masuka lang ako. "Labas lang ako," paalam ko kay Luna para sana bumaba ang mga kinain ko. Akala ko okay pa ako pero pagtayo ko, parang umikot ang paningin ko. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at pinilit maglakad palabas para magpahangin. 

Napapikit ako at napasandal sa may pader nang makalabas, sinusubukang bumalik sa katinuan. I bent down my knees and sat without my ass touching the floor. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko, iniisip kung susuka ba ako. 

"Drunk, huh?" 

Napaangat ang tingin ko at sinubukang dumilat nang may magsalita sa gilid. I saw Ciandrei leaning against the wall with a cigarette in between his fingers. He puffed out the smoke from his mouth without looking at me. 

"Nandito ka na naman..." inis na sabi ko, hindi makapaniwala. "Kahit saan ako magpunta... Nandiyan ka... Sinusundan mo siguro ako!" Nasinok pa ako kaya hinampas-hampas ko ang dibdib ko. 

He laughed and put the cigarette in his mouth again. Nasa kabilang pader siya ng ibang building kaya malayo siya sa akin. Mabuti naman dahil ayaw kong maamoy ang yosi niya. 

"Right. Why do we always see each other?" napatanong na rin siya sa sarili niya. "Hmm... Destiny?" 

That was probably the most absurd thing I heard from his mouth. Nakakatawa! Anong destiny?! Natawa tuloy ako nang malakas kahit hilong-hilo na ako. 

"Ikaw? Naniniwala roon?! Wala sa branding, ha..." Napatakip ako sa bibig ko, tumatawa pa rin. Joke ba 'yon? 

"Damn, you really are drunk." He let out a short laugh before shaking his head. 

Nang sinubukan kong tumayo ay muntik pa akong masubsob sa sahig kaya humawak ako sa may poste. "Nasusuka ako..." 

"Huh?" Napaayos kaagad siya ng tayo. 

Naglakad ako para maghanap ng masusukahan habang nakatakip sa bibig ko. Pagewang-gewang pa akong maglakad kaya mas lalo akong nahilo. "Nasusuka ako!" paiyak na sabi ko sa kaniya.

"Wait... Wait!" He started panicking too. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nakakuha ng plastic bag at binigay sa akin. Siguro ay bumili siya sa convenience store! 

Kinuha ko kaagad 'yon sa kamay niya at nasuka roon. His face couldn't be painted while watching me vomit my insides out. Pagkatapos ay wala sa pag-iisip kong tinali ang plastic at binigay sa kaniya. 

"What the hell?" reklamo niya.

Napahawak ulit ako sa poste, sunod sa ulo ko. Parang minamartilyo ang utak ko! Hindi ko na alam ang ginagawa ko! 

"Ang sakit ng ulo ko..." Bigla na lang akong naiyak habang ang dalawa kong kamay ay nasa ulo ko. Umupo ulit ako sa sahig habang umiiyak. 

"Why are you suddenly crying?" Hindi na niya alam ang gagawin niya. Tinapon niya sa malapit na basurahan ang plastic at naglakad palapit sa akin para hatakin ako patayo. "Get up. It's dirty." 

"Ulo ko... Masakit..." Umiyak ako lalo. 

"Well, what did you expect from drinking alcohol? A relaxed mind? Woman, it's not some herbal tea." Tinawanan niya ako at hinatak ulit ang kamay ko patayo. 

Narinig ko ang bulong niyang mura bago ako binuhat patayo at sinandal sa may pader. He was trying to sober me up but my eyes remained close. I was feeling a lot of pain in my head! Ano ba 'tong ininom namin?! 

Binitawan niya na ako at hinayaang sumandal para hindi ako mapaupo ulit. "Stay there," he whispered before walking away. 

Akala ko hindi na siya babalik pero natanaw ko ulit siya na may dala-dalang tubig at popsicle. Huminto siya sa harapan ko at pinilit akong uminom ng tubig. Sunod naman ay pinakain niya ako noong popsicle. Nakatayo lang ako roon, ine-enjoy ang popsicle ko. It somehow distracted me. 

Sumandal naman siya sa poste sa tapat ko at nagsindi ng panibagong yosi. He turned to the side and just waited for me to sober up without saying anything. 

"Saan mo nalaman pangalan ko, huh?" tanong ko habang kumakain. 

He glanced at me for a second. "Your I.D. Nakatali sa bag mo." Iyon lang pala?! Halos mabaliw pa ako kakaisip kung stalker siya o hindi! Nasisi ko pa si Luna! "Kierra Zylene V. Ynares." 

"Bakit mo ako finofollow sa Instagram?" sunod ko namang tanong.

"You're asking lots of questions today, huh..." There was smoke coming out of his lips. "The real question is... Why aren't you following me back?" 

"At bakit ko naman gagawin 'yon?" mataray na tanong ko. 

Nang makita niya ang hitsura ko, napakamot siya sa ulo niya at lumapit sa akin. Nilabas niya ang panyo niya at marahang pinunasan ang bibig ko. Kinuha pa niya ang popsicle stick at pinunasan ang kamay ko. Tumutulo na pala! 

"Masyado kang malapit..." Mahina kong tinulak ang dibdib niya kaya umatras naman siya. He just stood there and stared at me for a long time. 

"So how close can we get, Kierra?" he suddenly asked. "What should be our limit? You tell me." 

________________________________________________________________________________

:)