TW: abuse

SHAN

"Wala ka nang hiya, Alfred! Shame on you! Shame on you! Get off me! Panindigan mo 'yang ginawa mo!" 

I was just watching them fight in front of me while I was reviewing for my test tomorrow. For a 6th grader, I already lost all the hope and love I felt for this family. Kinuha ko ang earphones ko at sinuot sa tainga ko para hindi ko na sila marinig mag-away. 

"Ang kapal-kapal ng mukha mo! May anak ka pa sa labas, huh?! Ilang taon mo 'yang tinago, huh?! Answer me!"

I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes, covering my face with the book. I was getting so frustrated. They were so loud that I still could hear them even with my earphones on in maximum volume. Tinanggal ko na lang iyon dahil wala rin namang kwenta. 

I put the book on the coffee table and looked at both of them. My mom was crying in front of my dad because of too much anger while my dad did not even look so regretful of what he did. I knew. I knew all of it even before. From his countless women to his other family... I would always catch him on act. 

At some point, I got tired of crying. I got tired of the pain he was causing me and my mom that all I felt was hatred. The hatred I felt for him for years grew and grew until I just completely lost the light I tried so hard to see in this household. 

Mom was no different... and it broke me. I was in 4th grade when she went home with another man. She even introduced the man to me... but I knew... because that night, dad and her fought. It was her ex... the ex that she could not get over with.

"And you're even bringing that man in my house!" my dad shouted. I was in my room the whole time but I still could hear their voices. I closed my eyes and just let the tears run down my cheeks. 

"You're acting like you never brought your women here, huh?! You think I don't know?!" my mom yelled back. 

"You cheated on me first, Ciana! You! You made me like this! And who knows?! Maybe Shan isn't even my son! He's your son with that man, you bitch! Napakalandi mo! He was probably one of your accidents!" 

"How dare you say that about our kid?! Are you even hearing yourself?!" 

My sobs weren't as loud as before anymore. I was slowly getting used to them fighting every night. I was also getting used to the pain they were causing, whether they were emotionally or physically. 

"I already told you not to touch my things! I told you!" My dad hit me again with his hand. I was crying but I wasn't making any sounds. 4th grade. He just became more impatient after knowing that my mom brought the man in the house. 

I did not touch his things. I was trying to find my report card, which I gave him so he could sign it. I was holding my card in my hands. It was slowly getting crumpled because of how hurt and mad I was getting. I was... just a kid. 

"And you're even proud of your grades?! Huh?! What are you doing?! You're not even studying well! I'm wasting my money on your tuition!" 

I took a look on my card. It was all line of 9. My lowest was 93. Not enough... Still... It was not enough to get his validation. It was not enough for a praise... even when I studied all by myself because none of them were trying to help me... Except one person. 

He hit me again. I didn't know what I wanted at that moment. For it to stop? No... I wasn't even wishing for that. I wanted him... gone. I wanted him to vanish in front of me. 

"Sir! Sir, tama na po! Bata lang po 'yan!" I looked at my dad's driver when he ran inside the room and kneeled in front of me. I was looking at him like he was the ounce of hope I wished for. "Ciandrei, halika na." He helped me up and even carried me before walking out of the room.

I hid my face in Kuya Roel's shoulders while he was running down the stairs. My other hand was holding my report card with my grades. It was wet and crumpled now. When I felt safe, I started crying loudly. 

He placed me on top of the car's trunk after getting the medicine kit on the backseat. I was crying so loudly in the garage while he was trying to wipe my tears. Kumuha pa siya ng yelo para ilagay sa may panga ko. 

"Grades mo 'to?" tanong niya sa akin nang makita ang hawak ko. Nang tiningnan niya nang maigi pagkatapos ayusin ang lukot, napatakip siya sa bibig niya. Nakita ko ang saya sa mga mata niya. "Wow, ang galing naman! Ang tataas ng grades, ah! Good job!" 

I stopped crying when I heard that from him. He smiled and ruffled my hair before putting band aid on my knee. 

"Kumusta ka sa school? Inaaway ka ba roon?" tanong niya ulit sa akin at umiling naman ako sa kaniya. "'Yong daddy mo? Palagi ba 'tong nangyayari?" Parang nasaktan din siya sa sarili niyang tanong.

Hindi ako nagsalita at umiwas lang ng tingin. Napabuntong-hininga siya at kinuha ang cellphone niya kaya natakot ako. 

"No..." I lied. "No... It's just... this time. Dad was just mad... That's all..." I kept on making excuses for him. 

At least my mom was kind enough not to hurt me back... but she did... when she introduced me to that man. 

I saw in her eyes the love that I never saw when she was looking at my dad. Time did not make me feel any better. It just made me feel numb. Now that they were fighting in front of me, the only thing I wanted was to have peace so I could study. 

"Anak, pack your things! We are leaving this house. Patirahin mo na rito 'yong isang pamilya mo! The hell I care! I am taking our son with me!" My mom looked at me but I did not budge. I was just staring at them with no emotion in my face. 

"Gawin mo ang gusto mo! Leave! You were the one prolonging this marriage because you were scared your son will know everything you did!" Dad pointed his finger on my mom. 

"Ciandrei, go to your room and pack your things! Now!" 

I stood up and went to my room to pack my things like what she said. I didn't find anything sentimental with my things so I just packed whatever. Kuya Roel was already waiting outside my room to help me with my luggage. 

"Can I at least say goodbye to my friends?" I asked Kuya Roel. My mom and dad were still fighting inside their room. 

He gave me a painful smile and sat down the stairs so we could be on the same level. He touched my face gently before giving my head a pat. "Kailangan n'yo nang umalis ng Mommy mo..." 

"I should talk to Hiro first... and Acel..." I didn't want them to worry about me suddenly leaving the neighborhood. I didn't even know where my mom was taking me. 

"Ako na ang magsasabi sa kanila. Tara na... Huwag ka na manatili rito. Hindi para sa 'yo 'tong bahay na 'to. Baka masaktan ka lang ulit..." Tumayo siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko para maalalayan ako papasok ng sasakyan. Naghintay lang ako roon habang nakatingin sa labas ng bintana. 

My mom followed with two big luggages. She wiped her tears before getting inside the car. She thanked Kuya Roel first before driving away. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami papunta. It was already dark outside but she was still driving. 

I was so sleepy when my mom woke me up because we already arrived. I wiped my eyes before going down the car. My mom was hugging... the man she introduced to me before. We were going to live with him. 

It was a long drive. "The annulment is already in process," I heard my mom say. I was so confused while looking around. It was a huge house but I didn't know where we were. "Anak, we're in Bataan. We're going to live here starting from now, okay?" 

I blinked twice. I couldn't get what she was saying. The next thing I knew, I transferred school in the middle of the school year. I became a new student in a new school with a new environment. All of them knew each other already. I didn't have any friends. 

"Another high score from Mr. Lopez! Ang galing, ah!" my teacher complimented. I lived by that name. Ever since my parents got annulled, I started using my mom's last name. That was what she wanted. 

When I went home, my mom's boyfriend was already waiting in the kitchen. He smiled at me and asked me how was school. I didn't hate him... but I didn't like him either. I was civil with him. I couldn't feel anything. He was a nice person compared to my dad. My mom felt happy with him... but I still could not accept it. It was not easy to start building a new family again. Hindi ganoon kadali 'yon. 

"Wow, great job! Is this Science? Ang taas ng score! Highest ka siguro dito!" He complimented me when he saw my exam paper. I just gave him a small smile before I went inside my room. I heard him let out a heavy sigh... because he had been trying so hard to build a nice relationship with me but I just couldn't.

My view in relationships changed. I could not build a new one. I could not handle relationships anymore. One way or another, they were just bound to end. People could be easily replaced. 

"Love has no meaning," I told my teacher when she asked me about my homework. I was asked to define what love was, whether it was about my family, friends, or crush. 

"How could you say so?" She looked concerned with what I wrote. 

"Because I grew up watching two married people become the worst people for each other after swearing that they will love each other for better or for worse until death," I told her with no emotions in my face. 

"And you also said here... that you don't want to get married in the future," she pointed out.

"I won't get married... or get in any romantic relationship with another person, Ma'am." I gave her a genuine but painful smile. "Because all of those... are fake. I do not believe in marriage... or even love itself, especially when it involves family." 

My mom was called to school after that so she had to talk to me about it but I didn't know what to say. How could I explain it? She knew exactly what I was talking about. I wondered why she was crying so bad after reading what I wrote.

"You're too young to think like this, my love..." she told me.

"And I was too young to experience all of that, Mom," I whispered while looking at my hands. I didn't even notice the tears falling on them. "You... and dad... opened my eyes too early." 

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, anak..." 

"You lied." I cried on her shoulder when she hugged me. "You couldn't give me the perfect family you promised." 

***

KIERRA

"Okay, promise. Hindi na natin pag-uusapan 'yon!"

Just like what I wished, we didn't talk about that night anymore. But ever since that night, I started going out. Sinasamahan ako ni Luna kahit saan ako magpunta para hindi ako matakot sa labas. Slowly, I started to go back to my normal life... except for the nightmares.

"Sabihin mo na kasi! You're cheating on me! Sinabi ko nang layuan mo 'tong mga lalaking 'to, 'di ba?!" he shouted inside the car.

"Those are my friends! Harmless naman ang mga 'yan! Bakit ba?! And keep your eyes on the road, please!"

"Kierra, tangina, napakalandi mo! Ni hindi mo magawang layuan! Bakit?! May relasyon kayo, 'no?! You're cheating on me with these men! Mamaya ka, makakatikim ka sa 'kin!"

Napahawak ulit ako sa dibdib ko nang magising ako nang madaling-araw. Dali-dali akong tumayo at uminom ng gamot habang hinahabol ang hininga ko. I was always reminded of those memories... especially the night when I passed out and woke up in the hospital. I remembered getting numb to the pain... and getting weaker and weaker.

I refused to sleep again. I just closed my eyes and did some breathing exercises to calm my mind. The next thing I knew, it was already the first day of my third year, first sem. Tumayo ako para magluto ng breakfast bago ginising si Luna.

Sabay kaming pumasok sa school. I couldn't go alone. I was holding her hand the whole time while looking at the floor. Although Miguel already graduated from Pol Sci, I was still scared of the space we shared together.

"Ke, Luna!" bati sa amin ni Via nang makarating kami sa room. Ngumiti rin siya sa akin at hinawakan ang isang kamay ko. Tinanong niya ako kung kumusta ako bago kami umupo. Just having my friends around me calmed me down. "Tuloy ba 'yong party mamaya?"

"Anong party?" nagtatakang tanong ko.

"Ah, mag-iinuman 'yong block mamaya kasi first day pero hindi mo naman kailangan pumunta, Ke!" Pinangunahan na kaagad ako ni Luna dahil hindi niya alam kung handa na akong pumunta sa mga ganoon.

"Pupunta ako," sabi ko sa kaniya.

Ayaw kong maiwang mag-isa ulit sa condo. I wanted to have fun... if I could. I was trying so hard to go back to my normal routine. Gusto ko nang bumalik sa dati. Pagod na akong mamuhay nang ganito. I should try harder.

"Ke, okay lang kahit hindi..." nag-aalalang sabi niya sa akin.

"Kaya mo ba?" tanong naman ni Via sa akin.

"Oo naman." Kakayanin ko. Hindi ako pwedeng habangbuhay ganito... Kailangan kong umusad. Ayaw ko ng nakakulong lang ako sa kwarto. 

But on the inside, I was so nervous. Habang nagbibihis kami noong gabi, tinanong ulit ako ni Luna kung sigurado ba ako at sinabi kong oo. Wala na siyang nagawa. Ang sabi niya lang, sabihin ko sa kaniya kapag gusto ko nang umuwi. Nangako ako sa kaniya.

I was playing with my hands while we were on the way. He wouldn't be there, right? Miguel won't be there. He won't. I was convincing myself over and over again.

"Hindi kita iiwan, huwag kang mag-alala." Hinawakan ulit ni Luna ang kamay ko. I was so thankful for her existence. She never left my side ever since we were kids. She was my constant.

"Thank you, Luna," I sincerely said.

When we arrived at the club, I was just holding on to Luna while she was walking towards our reserved table. I greeted my blockmates before we sat down. Inaabutan nila ako ng shot pero umiiling ako. Ang sabi ko magda-drive ako pauwi kahit hindi naman.

"Okay ka lang? Gusto mo ba ng tubig?" tanong ni Via sa akin. Nagulat nga ako dahil nandito rin 'to.

"Okay lang," sabi ko sa kaniya.

I was slowly warming up. Nasasanay na ako sa paligid ko kaya kumuha ako ng isang shot at nilagok 'yon. I was also laughing with my blockmates the whole night. I was slowly getting used to my environment. 

"Dahan-dahan lang, Ke," paalala sa akin ni Via nang lumagok na naman ako ng shot. Hindi siya umiinom ngayon. 

"Yes, Ma'am," I teased.

I took a glass of water so I could sober up a little bit. My eyes were looking around to try to look for Luna because she went to the restroom. Baka kung ano na ang nangyari doon. I was surveying my surroundings when a pair of eyes caught my attention.

It was that guy! "What the..." bulong ko sa sarili ko.

Nakasandal siya sa couch, nakabukas ang iilang butones ng polo at nakatupi ang sleeves hanggang siko. He was holding a glass of whiskey in his hand while the other one was placed on the arm rest of the couch. He looked like he was having fun. May katabi pa siyang dalawang babae. Ang iba ay mga lalaki na rin.

My lips parted when our eyes met. He raised his brows in shock before his lips started forming a playful smile. He played with his lower lip using his thumb when he looked away, trying to hide his smirk.

Umiwas din ako ng tingin, gulat dahil ngayon ko lang siya nakita ulit. My heart was beating so fast because of nervousness. What made me think that we would never see each other again?! Oh my god! Napahawak ako sa ulo ko, nagpaplano nang umuwi. Hindi pwede! I swore to myself that we'd never see each other again! Bakit siya nandito?! 

"Hahanapin ko lang si Luna," paalam ko kay Via. Sasamahan niya dapat ako pero sabi ko huwag na dahil saglit lang ako.

I stood up and went to the restroom pero wala siya roon. I just retouched my makeup and washed my hands before walking out. 

"Hi, Miss." I flinched when a stranger touched my wrist. Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan ko, hindi alam ang gagawin. I started breathing heavily while he was talking. Hindi ko marinig ang sinasabi niya. I could only hear my heartbeat.

"Let go, man." I went back to my senses when that guy held the stranger's wrist and pulled it away from me. What was his name? Oh... Ciandrei. 

Kinausap niya pa 'yong lalaki bago niya pinaalis. After that, he leaned against the wall and stared at me with that smirk plastered on his face. Tinaasan ko kaagad siya ng kilay. Ano na naman nginingiti niya, ha? Nabibwisit lang ako lalo. 

"I told you there's a next time," he said in his seductive voice.

"I'm sorry... Have we met before?" I asked, pretending not to remember.

"Oh, sorry, would you like me to make you remember?" he asked and even held his chest, acting like he was surprised.

Napairap ako roon. He got me! I wanted to walk away but my feet remained on the floor, unable to move. That stranger earlier scared me. Natatakot na akong umalis sa kinatatayuan ko ngayon. Nakakainis naman. 

"Are you good?" He raised a brow when he saw my face. "Would you like me to walk you to your table?"

"I'm... I'm fine." Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. I didn't want to be indebted to him again. Punyemas, bakit ba nakita ko na naman 'to?! Kinalimutan ko na nga 'yong mga pagkakamali ko. 

"Really? I don't think you are." His eyes pierced into my soul. Pakiramdam ko ay binabasa niya ako kaya umiwas ako ng tingin. "Come on. Samahan kita."

"No, thanks. I can handle myself. Besides, you're also a stranger to me," sambit ko pabalik sa kaniya. Instead of getting offended, he just scoffed and then let out a short laugh while scratching the tip of his nose.

"I thought you already remember my name... judging by the number of times you called me that night," he smoothly said before he flashed his annoying smirk. "Still can't remember, hmm?"

"Stop it," iritang sabi ko sa kaniya. 

"Alright." Sumunod kaagad siya at tinaas ang dalawang kamay. "But you know..." He leaned forward, but I didn't budge. I just stared at him and raised a brow while crossing my arms. "You did not have to pay me for my service that night."

"What?" Napakunot ang noo ko.

He asked me to show my palm so I did. Then, he reached for his wallet and got four one-thousand bills. Napatingin ako sa kamay ko nang ilagay niya 'yon doon.

"Truth be told, I was offended," he said, letting out a sarcastic laugh. He stared at my eyes again and held my chin up. "But you cooked me breakfast, so I'll let that slide... Although I originally planned to take you out on a breakfast date that morning."

"Stop lying to my face, playboy," I told him, rolling my eyes.

He laughed and grazed his thumb on my lower lip. "Delicious, by the way," he whispered before smiling and walking away. I wasn't sure if he was still talking about the food.

Napairap na lang ako at naglakad na rin paalis. Wala na, sira na ang gabi ko! Gusto ko nang umuwi! 

"Nasaan ka na ba? Uuwi na ako!" 

Halos hindi na kami magkaintindihan ni Luna habang katawagan ko siya dahil nasa loob siya ng club habang nasa labas naman ako para hindi maingay. Nainis na ako kaya binaba ko na lang ang tawag at tinext siya na uuwi na ako. Sinabi ko rin kay Via na bantayan na lang si Luna dahil mukhang lasing na rin 'yon. 

Wala akong ma-book na sasakyan at ayaw ko namang mag-taxi dahil natatakot ako kaya umupo na lang ako sa gilid, nag-iisip kung kanino ako magpapasundo. Bigla na lang pumasok sa utak ko si Sevi kaya tinawagan ko siya kaagad. 

"Oy, bakit?! May nangyari ba?! Saan ka?!" bungad niya kaagad sa akin pagkasagot ng tawag. Napailing ako sa kaniya. Naririnig ko pa sa background music na maingay rin at mukhang nasa chillnuman din ang isang 'to. First day nga kasi kaya trip ng lahat na uminom kasama mga ka-block nila. 

"Saan ka? Pasundo ako," sabi ko sa kaniya. 

"BGC! Nag-iinuman din! Nasaan ka ba? Puntahan kita!" The music slowly faded, meaning he walked out of the table, kung nasaan man siya. 

"BGC lang din. Ako na lang pupunta diyan," alok ko naman. Nakakahiya at maiistorbo ko pa siya. Nagsasaya siya ngayon kasama ang mga kaibigan niya tapos magpapahatid ako bigla. 

"Huwag! Teka, teka! Send location! Papapuntahan na kita diyan! Huwag kang lalakad dito mag-isa!" Nakainom na yata 'tong isang 'to. Halata sa boses na medyo lasing na. 

Binaba ko ang tawag at sinend sa kaniya ang location ko. Naghintay na lang ako sa labas habang pinapanood ang mga tao sa labas ng club. Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita kong may naghahalikan doon sa gilid, sa may tabi ng pader. Medyo madilim kasi roon. 

"Ano ba 'yan," bulong ko. "Get a ro-" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang maliwanagan 'yong dalawa dahil sa ilaw ng sasakyan. It was that guy! He was making out with a woman and I even watched them do that! 

Napaiwas kaagad ako ng tingin nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa. What the fuck! Umakto akong walang nakita. Baka mag-assume naman siya na pinapanood ko siya 'no! 

I checked again if he was still looking but they were not there anymore. Luminga ako sa paligid para sana tingnan kung nariyan na si Sevi kaso natigilan ako dahil biglang umupo sa tabi ko 'yong lalaki. He was trying to fix his hair and polo to look presentable. 

"You didn't have to watch. It just made it awkward for me. Tsk..." He sighed with so much exaggeration! 

"Do what you want. Wala akong paki sa 'yo," sambit ko sa kaniya. When I looked at him, he licked his lower lip and let out a short laugh. 

"You never told me your name," sambit niya bigla at sinandal ang dalawang siko sa may hagdanan. Nakaupo kasi kami sa steps. 

"You don't deserve to know my name." Peke akong ngumiti sa kaniya. "You'll probably just forget it the next day."

"I don't think so, Kierra." The side of his lips slowly formed a playful smirk as soon as he saw my reaction. 

Napaawang ang labi ko sa kaniya. Paano niya nalaman ang pangalan ko?! Stalker ba siya?! Umusog tuloy ako para makalayo sa kaniya kaya tumayo na lang siya at bumaba sa may hagdanan para makita namin ang isa't isa nang maayos. 

"It turns out that we have a common friend. Small world. Are you from UST?" He raised a brow. "Let me guess... Architecture?" 

"How did you know? Creep." I rolled my eyes. 

"Wait... I was right?!" His eyes were filled with joy. "Damn, I'm really good at this. Let me make another guess... Hmm... You're on your 4th year?" 

"Mali ka. Third." Napangisi ako dahil mali siya roon. Pakiramdam ko ay nanalo ako. Proving people wrong was an achievement. 

"Damn it." He shook his head and leaned against the metal railings of the stairs. "Do you smoke?" Nilabas niya ang box niya ng yosi at umiling naman ako. He nodded and put it back inside his pocket. Akala ko ay magyoyosi siya sa harapan ko. Aalis na talaga ako. 

"College ka pa rin ba?" I asked him back. I was curious how old he was. 

He played with his lips to hide his smile when he heard me ask. "No." He looked straight into my eyes and gave me a small smile. "I'm in law school." 

"You're kidding," sambit ko kaagad. He didn't look like someone from law school! Not like I knew what they would look like... but he didn't give off that vibe! 

"I just graduated from DLSU Psychology, took a year off to have fun, then decided to go to law school. It just looked challenging... and hell, I love challenges. You'd know, right?" He playfully winked before smiling again. "Because we're the same."

"We're not the same." Napailing ako sa kaniya. Hindi ko tanggap 'yang sinabi niya. Nakakainis lang na makumpara sa kaniya! "I don't make out with multiple women in public." 

"Hmm... Is 'multiple women' the problem there or the 'in public'?" He raised his brows, teasing me. 

I mocked his words and made a face before looking away. Nasaan na ba si Sevi?! I wanted to stop talking to this man! Binibwisit lang ako nito! 

"First, it was just one woman. 'Multiple women' is wrong," he pointed out. "Second, in public? Oh, don't worry... I also prefer it in private. My bad, sorry." He even held his chest and bowed down to me! Wow, could he be more annoying? 

"Bakit ka nagso-sorry sa akin?" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

"Well, it looked like you didn't like me kissing other women. I mean... I won't do it again if you say so. I didn't know you were the jealous type..." He shrugged, trying to hide his smirk. I poked the insides of my cheek with my tongue and let out a scoff. He was so good at getting on my nerves. 

"Kierra! Sorry, na-late! Naligaw ako, eh!" 

Napatingin ako sa lalaking nagmamadaling maglakad palapit. Tiningnan ko mula ulo hanggang paa si Ciandrei bago ako tumawa nang sarkastiko at iniwan siya roon. Nakangisi pa nga ang siraulo at kumaway pa nang maglakad ako palayo. 

"Tagal mo! Nasaan si Sevi?!" Tinulak ko si Theo nang mahina gamit ang bag ko habang naglalakad kami. Ashro Theodore Lavin, kaklase ni Sevi sa UST Engineering, na kaibigan ko rin. 

"Aray ko, ah! Lasing na 'yon kaya ako na lang 'yong sumundo!" sagot niya naman sa akin. "Sino 'yong kausap mo? Kilala mo ba 'yon?" nagtatakang tanong niya sa 'kin.

"Hindi," tanggi ko kaagad. "Malay ko roon! Bigla na lang lumalapit!" 

Huminto kami saglit sa convenience store dahil may bibilhin daw siya. Iyon pala, binilhan niya lang ako ng tubig at band aid dahil nakita niyang nasusugatan na 'yong paa ko sa heels na suot ko. Pinaupo niya ako saglit sa may bench para malagyan niya ng band aid 'yong paa ko. 

"Bagong heels ba 'yan?" tanong niya sa 'kin pagkatapos. 

"Oo. Papa-return ko nga kay Mommy. Maluwag pala sa 'kin." Tumayo ako para maglakad ulit hanggang sa makarating na kami sa inuman nina Sevi. Rooftop bar 'yon at jazz ang tugtugan nila kaya sobrang chill. 

"Akala ko naman kung nasaan na kayo! Ang tagal!" reklamo ni Sevi na mukhang wala nang tama. "Uwi na tayo? Halika, hatid na kita... Mga pare, babalik ako. Hahatid ko lang 'to!" 

"Hoy, Master, tatakas ka lang, eh!" reklamo ng blockmate niya. "Huwag kami! Mag-shot ka muna rito! Tumatakas, amp! Mahina!" 

"Ako?! Mahina?! Baka tumba na kayong lahat, gising pa 'ko!" pagyayabang ni Sevi. 

"Kung totoong malakas ka, inumin mo muna 'to. Dami mong satsat, eh!" Inabutan na naman siya. 

"Hindi nga. Ihahatid ko muna 'tong tropa ko! Para kayong gago! Babalik naman, eh! Parang laging jinojoke time, oh?! Tingin mo sa 'kin, mahilig tumakas?! Mali ka, tsong! Para naman akong others dito?!" Napakaraming sinasabi ni Sevi. Mukhang hindi pa talaga siya sober. 

"Ako na maghahatid," sabi ni Theo kay Sevi. "Diyan ka na lang." 

"Hoy, tangina, Lavin! Kapag si Kierra hindi nakauwi nang maayos at matiwasay, huwag ka nang papasok bukas! Uumpog ko 'yang ulo mo!" pagbabanta pa ni Sevi habang naglalakad kami paalis. "Hoy! Lavin! Hoy! Ingatan mo 'yan! Hoy!" 

Tinakpan ko na ang gilid ng mukha ko dahil nakakahiya si Sevi. Sumisigaw pa siya kaya napapatingin 'yong ibang mga customers. 

Hinatid nga ako ni Theo gamit ang sasakyan niya pauwi. Hininto niya na lang ang sasakyan sa tapat ng building at bumaba na ako. "Thank you!" Kumaway ako sa kaniya bago pumasok sa lobby. 

Kinabukasan, hindi nakapasok si Luna sa sobrang sakit ng ulo niya. "Ayan, inom ka kasi nang inom," sabi ko sa kaniya habang inaayos ang gamit ko. "Deserve mo 'yan, sis." 

"Manahimik!" Hawak-hawak na niya ang ulo niya at hindi na talaga makabangon. Tumawa na lang ako at mag-isang lumabas ng condo.

Pagkabitaw ko pa lang sa door knob, nawala na ang ngiti sa labi ko. Matagal akong napako sa kinatatayuan ko habang pinapalakas ang loob ko. "Kaya ko 'to," bulong ko sa sarili ko. "Kaya kong pumasok mag-isa..." 

I convinced myself over and over again. Every step I took just scared me more... but I had to. I decided to commute so I could be surrounded by people. He can't harm me with other people around. He can't... So I chose this. 

Isang malaking buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko nang makarating na ako sa room namin. Agad tumayo si Via at lumapit sa akin para tanungin kung okay lang ako. "Bakit? May masakit ba?" nag-aalalang tanong niya.

Umiling ako sa kaniya at ngumiti. "Wala. I did it!" 

Matagal bago niya napagtanto kung ano ang tinutukoy ko. Ngumiti siya sa akin at hinaplos ang buhok ko. "Good job," sambit niya. "Keep it going." 

I went through the week trying to conquer my fears... but I woke up again at Saturday midnight after getting the same nightmare from that day. 

"Halatang may gusto sa 'yo 'yong tao hindi mo pa nilalayuan?! Ha?! Gusto mo talagang sinasaktan ka muna bago ka matauhan?!" 

"Tama na... Tama na... Tumitingin na 'yong mga tao, please... Kumalma ka muna." 

"Pumasok ka sa sasakyan. Tangina, dalian mo!" 

I clenched my fist on my chest, trying to catch my breath. My world was spinning. I was covered in sweat. I tried to stand up, but I just collapsed on the floor. I stared at the ceiling, letting my tears flow. 

I was trying to stifle my sobs so it wouldn't wake Luna up. I intertwined my hands together and put them against my lips while crying and begging for it to stop. I was tired of it. I was tired of reliving the same moment over and over again. 

"Please... Make it stop... Please..." I begged the heavens... if only they could hear me. 

I didn't know how long I was lying on the floor until my tears stopped. I tried to control my breathing before having the courage to stand up. I sat on my bed and drank water, feeling so weak. 

I needed to go out. I couldn't sleep again. I didn't want the nightmare to come again so I just changed into my jogging outfit and went out to go for a run. Madilim pa dahil madaling-araw pa lang. Paikot-ikot lang ako sa park ng condo hanggang sa unti-unti nang lumiwanag kaya naisipan kong bumili ng breakfast namin ni Luna. 

I went to a nearby café to get some coffee and bread but as I approached the counter, I started seeing a familiar face. "Pucha naman," bulong ko sa sarili ko at maglalakad na sana paalis nang magsalita siya.

"Good morning, Ma'am! What can I get for you?" I looked back at Ciandrei and saw him smiling at me while wearing his barista uniform. Oh my god... Kung saan-saan ko na talaga siya nakikita. 

"One americano," I told him while looking at the menu. Iniiwasan ko talagang tingnan ang mga mata niya. Iniiwasan ko ring tingnan ang mukha niya because he was looking so clean and proper. The girls in the café were all staring at him and admiring his face and his charisma. He even fixed his hair, huh? 

"Iced?" The playful smile on his face didn't fade. Tumango na lang ako sa kaniya. "Is that all? How about a hot choco?" 

"No. I'll have one chocolate chip and two cinnamon buns," order ko para kay Luna. "Also, a fruit cup. Thanks." I tapped my card, and he gave me the receipt before I went to the waiting counter. 

He looked so serious preparing the coffee now. Ano 'to? His side job? Part-time? He was in law school, right? 

"One iced americano, one chocolate chip, fruit cup, and two cinnamon buns for Kierra." He smoothly pushed the paper bag on the counter so it would reach me. He even leaned and gave me a wink before walking away. 

Napairap na lang ako at bumalik na sa condo. Hindi pa gising si Luna kaya kinuha ko muna ang order niya para malagay sa ref.

"Huh?" Napakunot ang noo ko nang makita ang post-it note na nakadikit sa cup ko. Kinuha ko 'yon at binasa. 

'Don't be so grumpy in the morning, Kierra. 

Have a great day ahead :)' 

"Ah, this jerk..." I scoffed.

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:)