TW: abuse

SHAN

"I love you, Shan... Mom loves you always. I promise to give you the perfect family."

Lie.

She lied. All of them lied to me. If that was true, then why was Dad always yelling at me? Why was he always mad at me? Did I do something wrong? But... I was five. I didn't know a thing.

"That costs a lot! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" I started tearing up while holding my dad's watch. It was on the floor, and I was about to put it back inside his drawer, but he suddenly barged inside the room and yelled.

He was mad... I could see how mad he was. I couldn't do anything but tremble in fear. I opened my mouth to explain, but he snatched the watch out of my small hands and grabbed me by my arm to force me out of his room.

"Stay inside your room and never go out!" He slammed the door closed as I cried while I was on the floor.

"Mom... Mommy..." I cried while calling for her outside. I tried knocking on the door so she would hear me... but I forgot that she was at work.

Umupo na lang ako sa sahig at niyakap ang mga tuhod ko habang umiiyak. I was thirsty... and hungry. I wanted to go out, but I was afraid Dad would see me. I did not break his watch... It was already broken on the floor.

"It's not my fault..." I cried while whispering that to myself.

I looked up when I heard a noise on my window. Tumayo kaagad ako at naglakad palapit saka binuksan ang bintana nang makita si Hiro sa baba. My playmate!

"Let's play!" he yelled and gestured for me to go down. Tinaas pa niya ang laruang hawak niya. "I'm bored." Ngumuso siya at sinubukan pa rin akong pababain.

"I can't!" Umiling ako sa kaniya kaya mas napasimangot siya. "I can't go out of my room!"

"Why? Is the door closed?" He tilted his head to the side, confused and full of wonder. He looked so innocent. I just nodded so he wouldn't ask more questions. "But the window's open!"

Natawa ako saglit at umiling ulit sa kaniya. Ang sabi ko ay masyadong mataas para tumalon ako mula sa bintana. Tumango na lang siya sa akin at naglakad paalis kaya umupo na lang ulit ako sa kama ko at tumitig sa kisame.

I watched the clock move, waiting for my mom to go home until I heard another noise on my window. Tumayo ulit ako at tumingin sa labas, expecting that it was my mom but I saw Hiro again. My lips parted in shock when I saw him struggling while pulling a rolled mattress with a rope.

"What's that?!" nagtatakang tanong ko sa kaniya.

"So it won't hurt when you go down!" He gave me an innocent smile before wiping his sweat. Did his mom even allow him to bring that mattress? He struggled in pulling it out of the rope before putting it down on the ground, just below my window. "Go! Go!"

"I think it will still hurt!" I told him.

"Bring pillows! Protect your head like this and roll! Like in video games!" Ginawa pa niya ang sinasabi niya para mapakita sa akin.

And I really believed him. I got some pillows on my bed and threw them outside the window as he fixed them on the mattress, my landing area. I was not afraid of heights, but I was afraid of jumping out of the window. I put my leg out and looked at the door of my room again.

"Oh no!" I yelled when I heard my dad's car leaving. "Hiro, hide!"

I closed the window and hid behind it while waiting for my dad to leave. After that, I checked if I could open my door. I was glad when it did! I hurriedly walked down and checked again if my dad left already.

When he did, I went out and returned the pillows inside my room so fast before running out. "Hiro, let's go!" I yelled while running.

"W-wait! Wait! My mattress!" He was about to cry out of panic because I was running. I stopped and scratched my head before going back. I helped him roll it again, and both of us began pulling it to his home. He lived close to me, so it wasn't that hard to go back.

The mattress was already filled with dirt when we arrived at his home. I hid behind him when his dad opened the door, afraid that he would also lash out like my dad.

"Goodness, what happened to that?" But he was calm. I looked at him with fear, but he just laughed while Hiro explained that we were playing. "Did you ask permission from your mom before getting that?"

"No, but I asked permission from Kuya," Hiro said in his small voice, guilty.

His dad laughed again and gave his head a pat before turning to me and ruffling my hair too. He invited us inside, so I walked behind Hiro until we reached his playroom. I was wondering why his dad did not get mad at him. Was that normal?

"Wow, he did not hit you," I told Hiro, a little bit confused and surprised.

"What?" Napakunot ang noo niya at lumingon pabalik sa akin. "What are you talking about? Hit? Like... Like hit? Like this?" Pinalo niya ang sarili niyang braso.

"Yes? Doesn't your dad do that?" I asked again. Naguguluhan tuloy ako. Did his dad not hit him because I was here? Should I never leave? I didn't want him to get hit. I didn't want him to get hurt. It hurt so bad when it happened to me!

"Why would my dad do that?" Napakurap siya nang dalawang beses, nakakunot pa rin ang noo. "My mom said hurting other people is bad..."

"Is my dad bad?" I parted my lips in shock. "He's not bad... It's my fault in the first place..." I whispered.

"But my mom said hurting other people is bad whatever the reason is!" pakikipagtalo pa niya sa akin. "Oh, next time, let's go to your house!"

The horror on my face when I realized that my dad might also get mad at him was so visible that even Hiro got sad because it looked like I did not want him to go. I shook my head and thought of an excuse.

"We can't! T-there's a monster in the house and it doesn't like strangers... It might scare you or hurt you too!" Makulit pa naman si Hiro! Baka makasira rin siya sa bahay!

"A monster?!" He covered his mouth in fear. "Are you okay?!" He quickly crawled to me and held both of my shoulders. "Come live here instead! It's dangerous there!"

"Ouch..." I held his wrist to pull his hand away from my arm. He was so confused about why I was hurt until he checked under my shirt sleeve and saw a light bruise.

He gasped dramatically. "Oh no! Did the monster do this to you?!" He looked like he wanted to cry. He quickly stood up and looked for something inside his cabinet.

I didn't know it left a light bruise there. So that was why it hurt a little! I fixed my sleeve again and continued playing the video game until Hiro returned and gave me his toy. It was a plastic sword.

"Next time, fight the monster with this!" He looked so determined and brave. I stared at him for a moment before laughing at his face. "What? Why?!"

"Thank you." Kinuha ko ang espada mula sa kaniya at nilapag 'yon sa gilid ko. Umupo ulit siya sa harapan ko at tinaas ang sleeves ng shirt ko. Nagulat ako nang lagyan niya iyon ng band aid. "Huh?"

"My mom puts this when I'm hurt!" Tinuro niya ang band aid na nilagay niya roon. Parang hindi naman para roon 'yon.

"You're such a dummy," mahinang sabi ko at naglaro na lang ulit.

I didn't notice the time while I was playing. When I saw that the skies were already dark outside, I immediately stood up in a panic. I told Hiro I needed to go home quickly, so I ran out of their house to go back to mine.

I stopped when I saw my mom running outside. She looked like she was about to cry. "This is your fault! He ran away because of you! Ano bang ginawa mo sa kaniya, ha?!" sigaw niya.

"Why are you always blaming me?! The kid ran away because you are always out! I didn't do anything!" My dad followed her from behind.

"Don't you dare touch me!" Mom looked back at him and pointed at his face. I saw the anger on my dad's face, so I felt like I needed to cut them off.

"Mom!" I ran to her and hugged her waist, pushing her a little backwards so my dad won't reach her. Both of them were surprised to see me, but only my mom showed concern.

"My baby!" Lumuhod siya sa harapan ko at hinawakan ang mukha ko kasabay ng pagtulo ng mga luha niya. "Where did you go? You got me so worried!" My dad just shook his head and went back inside the house.

"I... I was playing with Hiro," I told her. I didn't know why she was crying so bad. She even kissed my forehead and held my hand before we went back.

My dad looked at me like he wanted to yell at me but couldn't because my mom was there. She cooked a delicious dinner for me and even tucked me into bed. She was so good at taking care of me and making me feel good and loved.

"Anything to tell Mommy?" she asked while seated on my bed.

I pursed my lips and shook my head. If I told her that I made dad angry... She might also get mad at dad. Magagalit lang 'yon kapag nalamang nagsumbong ako. I couldn't talk. I just smiled at her so she would feel assured.

"I love you, okay?" My mom told me again.

"Mommy... You won't go away... Right?" I asked her out of the blue. I was afraid that my dad would always pick on me if she left. "Can I go with you to work?"

"Do you want to go with me tomorrow? Sure!"

I was so excited for tomorrow to come because I will be able to leave the house. My mom dressed me up and brought me with her to visit the school she owned. Lopez High. She was holding my hand the whole time until we went to a restaurant so she could have lunch with other women.

"Valeria High is going pretty good," my mom's calm voice said while smiling at the other woman at the table.

I was bored while waiting for the food, so I walked around. I saw a sliding door at the side, so I went out and saw a small garden. May mga estatwa pa ng mga characters ng comics na tinitingnan namin ni Hiro.

"Ah, an insect! Oh no!" I heard a small voice from a little girl. Napalingon ako sa gilid at nakita siyang naglalakad palayo sa salagubang na nasa sahig. She looked younger than me, and also smaller.

"It's not chasing you," I told her. Lumapit pa ako sa salagubang para tingnan at panoorin 'yon maglakad. Dahan-dahan siyang naglakad palapit sa akin at ginaya ang upo ko sa sahig. "Do you want to touch it?"

"No!" Umiling kaagad siya at ngumuso. "Kierra... is scared... No insects..."

Nainitan ako habang pinapanood ang salagubang kaya tinaas ko muna ang magkabilang sleeves ng shirt ko. Nakita kong napatingin siya sa band aid na nasa braso ko.

"You're hurt!" Tinuro niya pa 'yon. "Hurt... No... The insect... Did it bite?" inosenteng tanong niya sa akin.

"No, it did not. It's nothing." I took the band-aid off so she won't get so worried.

"Tell mommy you're hurt." Her voice was so small.

Umiling ako sa kaniya at natawa. "No, it does not hurt. Don't worry about it."

"Really?" Lumapit siya at tinitigan ang braso ko. It had a light bruise on it but it was not that evident anymore... kaso mukhang napapansin niya pa rin. "Really? Really?"

"Yes. Really." I gave her head a light pat and smiled.

And... it happened. I saw him with that woman.

"I told you... I've been overseas. That's why I haven't been answering your calls. What is it?" 

I was looking at my dad while doing my elementary homework. He was on the phone with someone else. I could tell that it was a female voice, but I couldn't understand what they were talking about. 

I was putting colors on my drawing while seated next to the coffee table. The next thing I knew, he looked so frustrated and stressed out. He even slammed the desk right after ending the call, which made me flinch. I closed my eyes and waited for his yell. I knew it would come next. He looked so mad. 

When I heard him walking towards me, I immediately opened my eyes and crossed my wrists in front of me. "I'm sorry," I whispered. 

I opened my eyes when I didn't feel anything. He was just looking at me while seated on the couch, putting distance between us. I bit my lower lip and looked away. Ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. Pakiramdam ko kaunting galaw ko lang, sisigawan na niya ulit ako. 

"You look like your fucking mom," may galit sa boses niya nang sabihin niya 'yon. Napalingon ulit ako sa kaniya, nagtataka kung bakit siya nagagalit. 

I didn't talk and just tried finishing my homework before going back to my room. My mom was on a business trip, so I was left with him. I would spend most of my time inside my room so he would not see or even touch me. 

It was midnight when I woke up because of the storm. I hugged my pillow and decided to go downstairs to get milk since mom wasn't around. Napatigil lang ako nang pagbukas ko ng pinto, narinig kong may tao sa baba. 

"She's turning six already and wants to meet her dad!" I heard a woman's voice. Dahan-dahan akong lumabas ng kwarto ko at sumilip sa baba. The woman looked so devastated, and my dad looked so frustrated. 

"Just wait... I'll get an annulment," my dad said.

"You... You're married?!" 

A glass shattered, so I covered my ears for a moment. The woman started crying while holding her head. I was trying to make sense of what was happening. I didn't get it. Why was she crying so hard? Why did my dad look so cold? 

"And all this time, you said you were overseas! That's why I couldn't reach you! How dare you! How dare you!" The woman started hitting my dad's chest while crying. "Elyse does not deserve this!" 

"It's fine! Listen to me! Sooner or later, Ciana and I will get an annulment. She's just thinking of the kid and waiting for him to reach high school so the kid can understand. That bitch is still in love with her ex. That's why we will end this eventually!" My lips parted when I heard those words from my dad. What? Is he... is he talking about mom? 

"You liar! Stop lying-" I blinked twice when my dad held the woman's face and kissed her. I saw them... with my own two eyes. I started breathing heavily before slowly taking a step back. 

I ran to my bedroom and quietly closed the door before hiding under the sheets. It kept on replaying inside my head. I could feel my heart sinking. My chest hurt so bad... and it was not the only time I saw it. 

While my mom was on a business trip, I would always wake up at midnight and catch my dad kissing another woman... a different one from last time. Three different women. They would kiss each other while going upstairs and stay inside my dad's room until tomorrow. I would always cover my ear while crying on my bed. 

"Why aren't you going to school?" My dad opened the door. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't want to go to school. I'm sick..." I felt sick. I could not get out of my bed. The only thing playing inside my mind was him with different women. 

He walked towards me and put a hand on my forehead. "You're not sick. Go to school," he said in a stern voice. I couldn't get up. I didn't want to get up, so he dragged me by my arm again and forced me to go inside the bathroom.

"Dad, it hurts," I cried. When he let go of me, my forehead hit the sink. I touched it because it hurt, but he didn't see because he already closed the door and walked away. 

I saw little blood on my hand. I cried while taking a shower and getting ready for school. At that point, I would choose to stay in school than stay in the house with him. Tumungtong ako sa upuan pagkatapos kong maligo para kumuha ng band aid sa may cabinet. Pagkatapos ay nilagay ko 'yon sa gilid ng noo ko bago ako nagmamadaling umalis ng bahay. 

"Ciandrei, teka! Hahatid kita!" I looked at the young man waiting outside the house. He was wearing the same uniform as my mom and dad's drivers. It was a new guy. Hindi ko siya kilala. 

"I can walk!" sabi ko at tumakbo na palabas. I ran to school because I was already late. Mabuti na lang at wala pa si teacher nang makarating ako. Naghihintay pa nga si Hiro sa tapat ng room, suot pa ang backpack niya.

"Hey! Why were you always absent?!" tanong niya kaagad sa akin nang makita niya ako. "And what happened to your forehead?" He looked so worried now. 

"Nothing. I hit my head on the sink!" I gave him a playful smile before going to my seat. When my teacher arrived, she asked if I was sick, and I just said yes. 

The whole day, I forgot what was happening at home because Hiro distracted me. We played a lot during recess and also had a competition in Mathematics. He won! I was better in Science! 

"Let's go home! My dad is here!" aya ni Hiro sa akin noong uwian na. I sat on the swing and just shook my head. "Why?" he asked in his small voice. "Don't you want to go home?" 

"I... Uh... My dad will pick me up," I lied to him. I just did not want to go home yet. 

"Okay! Let's play again tomorrow!" he reminded me before waving his hand and going inside his dad's car. 

I sighed heavily while seated on the swing. The sun was already setting, and everyone in my school was starting to go home with their parents. Sinusundo na silang lahat habang mag-isa ako sa swing. Somehow, I started missing my mom. Tumingin ako sa malayo habang iniisip siya. I couldn't help but cry by myself. 

I was wiping my tears when I suddenly saw an ice cream in front of me. Natigilan ako at tumingala sa nagbibigay. 

"Why are you crying?" he asked while handing the cone. "Masakit ba dito mo?" He pointed at the band-aid on my forehead.

"Nothing..." Umiwas ako ng tingin. It was my classmate. The top 1 of the class. He was really smart! "Why are you still here, Acel?" 

"Because I saw you crying! Here, take this!" Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at nilagay ang ice cream doon bago siya umupo sa katabing swing. He was smiling at me while wearing his backpack and eating his own ice cream. 

"When are you going home? Your mom must be waiting at home..." I was worried that I was keeping him out. 

"I'll go home when you go home!" He gave me a smile and even scrunched his nose. I think it was our first time talking like this. He was always studying! He didn't even have time to play with us! 

We just stayed like that while eating ice cream. He admired the color of the sky and even told me that he liked sunsets and would always stay in school to watch the sky change its colors before going home. He also said it was because the stray cats were waiting for him every day. Binibigay niya raw 'yong natitirang baon niya. 

"I like cats! How about you?" he asked me, excited. 

"I don't know..." Hindi ko naman iniisip ang mga 'yon. I liked animals, but I never saw myself owning a pet... because I was scared. They might also get hurt in the house. "But tigers are cool!" 

"It's like a cat too! I like tigers!" sabi niya. Nagkwento pa siya ng experience niya noong nakakita siya ng tiger. He looked so happy with it. "Oh, by the way, when you were absent, teacher asked me to tell you about the lessons you missed..." Kinuha niya ang bag niya at binigay sa akin ang notebook niya. 

"Thank you." Why was he so nice? Was he always like this? 

It was getting dark, so he walked me home because his house was also near mine. I didn't need protection, but walking home with a friend was nice. When we stopped in front of the house, I realized that my mom was already home. My eyes twinkled, and said goodbye to Acel before running inside the house. 

"Mom!" I hugged her when I saw her cooking something in the kitchen.

"My love!" Niyakap niya ako pabalik at hinaplos ang buhok ko. "How are you? How's school?" malambing na tanong niya. 

When I stared at her, the images of my dad with other women flashed inside my mind. Napabitaw ako sa kaniya at napaatras. I pursed my lips. I wanted to say something but I couldn't talk. I felt a lump in my throat. 

"Why? What's wrong?" she asked, getting worried because of my sudden change of emotions. 

I shook my head and told her that I will study inside my room. I couldn't even look at my mom in the eyes. Was kissing other women when you have a partner and a child normal? I should ask Hiro about that. Did his dad do that too? 

"Ciandrei... What happened to your forehead? You did not answer me yesterday during dinner." My mom bent down to be on the same level while holding my face. I was about to go to school so early in the morning, but my mom stopped me outside.

"I accidentally hit my head on the sink, mom," I told her the truth. It was an accident after all! 

"Are you hurt somewhere else?" Why was she so worried? I just shook my head. The bruise on my arm was already healing. It wasn't visible in my school uniform, so it was okay. Dad did that because I wouldn't go to school. He was just worried. 

"Roel, can you drive him to school first while waiting for Alfred?" my mom asked the new guy. 

When I went inside the car, he asked me how old I was, so I asked him the same thing. He said he was only twenty-three. When we arrived at school, I went straight to the room to find Hiro, but my classmate said he went to the canteen, so I also went there.

"Huh? Why would my dad kiss other women?" Hiro looked so confused. "No, I haven't seen him do that... Should I ask him why?" 

"My dad does that..." I told him. "But I don't want to ask mommy..." 

"Then should I ask my mom-"

We stopped walking to the playground when we saw Acel crying while seated on the ground. My eyes then went to the three boys holding his things, including his lunch box. He was just crying in the corner while trying to get his notebook. 

"Just let us see your homework!" the kid demanded. 

"No... That's mine..." Acel cried. 

"You said we can be friends and that you will share your lunchbox with us too! Ang damot mo naman!" reklamo rin noong isa. 

"But you hit me..." mahinang sabi ni Acel. 

Nagkatinginan muna kami ni Hiro bago siya naglakad palapit at inagaw 'yong bag. I ran to them and helped Acel up while Hiro was getting mad at the kids. "What is wrong with you?! This is bad! I will tell the teacher about this!" 

"You guys are bullies," I told them too. 

"We're friends!" The other kid reasoned out, about to cry now because Hiro said he would tell the teacher and their parents soon. 

"Friends don't hit each other and make each other cry! Look, he's scared of you!" Hiro pointed at Acel who was trying to wipe his tears. "Go away! Get away from him!" 

They threw Acel's things on the ground before running away. His food was all over the place now. I picked his lunch box up and cleaned it before putting it inside his bag. I also cleaned his notebooks and books before we went to the teacher to tell the story. 

"Don't leave our side starting today! The kids will pick on you again," Hiro said. We were all seated on the bench while eating a lollipop. The teacher gave it to us as a reward because we spoke for ourselves. 

"They always do that..." Acel said while playing with his fingers. 

"That's why you should always be with us! When I'm not around, Hiro will protect you. If he's not around, I will protect you! Don't worry," I told him. 

"What if both of you are not around?" Acel tilted his head a little to the side. 

"Then tell the teacher!" Hiro suggested. "Teacher will protect you! If not, tell your mom and dad! My dad said I should tell him if a kid in school makes me cry or hurt me!" 

Acel let out a laugh before standing up. "It's almost time! Let's go to class now!" 

Hiro said... the teacher will protect us when we are hurt. If not, tell our mom and dad. Hiro's dad said to tell him if a kid in school makes him cry or hurts him.

"Hiro... What if it's not a kid in school who is making you cry? Would you still tell your dad?" I curiously asked.

"I will always tell my dad!"

But I... How could I tell my dad if he was the one making me cry and hurting me?

"Can I tell it to your dad instead?" I asked again.

"Why? Who is making you cry?" His brows furrowed.

What if... What if his dad gets mad at my dad? Then... my dad will get mad at me.

I pursed my lips and shook my head. "Never mind..." 

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