To future Imara Alessia,

When you read this, I hope you are not as tired as I am now. Our life was not easy. I know you'd hate me if you knew that every time I got the chance, I tried to ruin us.

Just 3 days ago, I tried to end it again. I was ready. My mind was already collapsing. I just don't feel alive anymore. Something is wrong with me and I feel like everything is getting worse. So I tried. but didn't end up with what I wanted to do.

I know what I did will make you suffer in the future. I hope you get the chance to make everything right.

I'm sorry for trying to make you sleep forever.

I'm sorry for thinking of it as the only solution left.

I'm sorry for making the wrong decisions.

I kept on asking what's the point of having all the means if I think something was missing?

I just want to disappear. I just want to rest.

I was so lost at that point. I was so lost that I forgot about you. Your future.

After that incident, I realized that life was worthy. That God was preparing us for a huge battle. That I must not lose hope because He will save me. He will save us.

Oh! And I got an instant friend. Her name's Vina. She's loud and bubbly. She was the one who stopped me from doing stupid actions. I guessed we're both struggling at that time. We're both tired and pained.

I can say, she had the qualifications to be my friend.

I just met her in an unexpected way. Not expecting that we will have this kind of friendship.

I actually don't know how to heal myself.  I don't know how to let myself be happy. I'm scared.

I clearly missed my innocence. I miss the happy little girl that I used to be. So you should remember it all. Remember my pain and mistakes? Learn to overcome it.

You can cry, you can be upset and angry. You can be disappointed. It's okay. You can feel what you want to feel.

I hope you will remind me of what it feels like to be free, to be simple and to be happy. I hope you find genuine happiness someday.

I know it's not easy. Consume what you think is good for you, then disregard the rest.

Also, try to drink some water! Stop overthinking. Forgive yourself.

You deserve to live. You deserve to live even when you feel it sounds like a lie.

You're the strongest person I know. I hope you will end up on the right track and have an ending that is happily waiting for you.

I wish it all worked out differently than it did.

I'm praying for your better future.

I believe that sometimes we don't get what we want because we deserve better.
 
You deserve better.

From your messy, undeserving and broken past,
Imara Alessia