Unbeta'ed & short. Sorry.

"We need to talk."

Everything was going to be fine. Everything was going to work out. He will listen, he will understand. He will forgive me. He will forgive me, forget this ever happened, and we will continue with whatever this thing is. I knew everything is going to work out just fine.

So why was I crying again? Why was my heart pounding, as if it were getting ready to pound out of my chest? Why were my hands shaking so much? Why was I sweating? Why did I feel like I was doubting myself so much?

Was it going to be okay? Was it going to work out? Are we going to continue with our lives together? Is he going to forgive me?

I don't fucking know.

"Yeah, we do."

Fuck. It's not going to work out, is it?

"Sit down?" Eren suggested, glancing at the couch.

Shaking my head, sniffing and wiping my nose. "No. I need to be able to move around for a little bit."

I was still drunk, halfway wasted. But I was aware of what was going on. I was aware that I was still the fuck up. I was aware that this might just not work out, and that Eren may just leave me behind.

Eren sat down, crossing his leg over the other with a loud sigh. His eyes were averted away from me, staring at his shoes. His arm rested on the arm set, and the other resting on his lap as he waited for me to say something.

What do I say? Do I just start explaining myself? Do I just state right off the bat that I was thinking of my rapist while having sex with him? Do I take the long road, and take it easy and butter him up? Neither of those options sounded like a good idea.

"I fucked it up, didn't I?" I meant to think that to myself, but it came out as a quiet whisper.

Eren ran his fingers through his brown hair, closing his eyes for a moment while frowning. After sighing loudly, he looked at me. "No, Levi, you haven't fucked it up. Let's just talk this through and figure out what's bothering you. I can tell something is going on, but you shouldn't bring it out on me. I'm willing to help you though."

I stared at him for a moment, breathing hard before covering my mouth and hiccuping through sobs. I closed my eyes, my shoulders shaking while I cried. I felt his arms wrap themselves around my waist, pulling me towards him, making me fall into him and on his lap. His face nuzzled into my hair, whispering quiet hushes while rubbing my back. "Th-That means so much t-to me Eren."

"Shh... I'm always here to help you, Levi. Why don't you breathe for a moment and calm yourself down, and then we can talk?" He mumbled, kissing my forehead and wiping the tears from my cheeks.

I nodded slowly, resting my forehead on his shoulder, closing my eyes while quietly hiccuping through my soft cries. I felt unbalanced and like I was going to tumble off his lip, but was saved by his arms that were wrapped tightly around my frame. His nails were softly scratching my back, calming me down. My cries were quieting down within time, sniffing softly.

"I'm sorry for being such a cry baby." I whispered. "This isn't like me, I wish I wouldn't get so emotional in front of you."

I felt him smile against my hair, massaging my shoulder blades. "Levi, you know I don't mind. We're all emotional, it's okay to show that side of you every now and then. I won't ever judge you." He replied, humming quietly. "You can trust me. If you ever have an issue, you know you can take it to me. I'll always be here to help you through each and every issue."

More tears rolled down my cheeks but it wasn't from sadness. From happiness instead. I was beyond happy I had someone like Eren in my life. He could have easily turned his back to me and left, laughed in my face for crying, made fun of me. But no, instead he stayed and comforted me. Nobody will ever understand how much  small actions like this mean to me.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaning back a little, wiping my tears from my face with my sleeves. I sniffed the tears away, sighing loudly and trying to calm myself down. "I really appreciate you, Eren."

He nodded, smiling up at me and caressed my cheek with his fingers. "I appreciate you, too."

I threw my head back, sighing louder than the last time, shaking my head as if that would help wash away the upcoming tears. I rolled my head around, popping my neck before looking back at him. I distracted myself by messing with the fabric of his shirt with my fingers, rolling it around. He didn't seem to mind at all, watching me and waiting patiently.

"I know I always say I'm over the whole Erwin thing, but really I'm not. I see his face every time I close my eyes. I see him when I do something that I did when I was with him, like play a stupid game of chess. I see him when I see the kind of tree he liked, like the pretty cherry blossom tree. Which sucks because I like that tree a lot. I see him when you touch me a certain way, which sucks because I like it when you touch me." I said after a few minutes of calming myself down. He watched me without saying a word. I looked into his eyes before speaking up again. "I see him every time I kiss you, lay with you in bed, every time I hold your hand. I see him most when I'm with you, which sucks because I like being with you."

His calm facial expression quickly changed to sad and a little bit of confused. His lips parted as if he was going to say something but they closed again, he didn't know what to say.

"He'll never leave me, Eren." I whispered, biting my lip and looking down at my hands again. "I don't know how to make him leave."

His hands traveled down my back, and over my forearms, squeezing my arms. "How can I help get rid of him?"

I looked back up at him, swallowing loudly. "I don't know. I don't know if you can."

He nodded slowly, looking away from me. "Do you need me to leave?"

I shook my head slowly, biting my cheek. "I don't want you to leave me."

"I know. But do I need to leave?"

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling tears escape between my eye lids. My fingers pinched his shirt tightly. "I think so."

I heard him sigh shakily, caressing my forearms with his thumbs. He pulled me into a tight hug, kissing the side of my head, judging me once I started sobbing again. "I'll leave if I need to."

I couldn't get another word out, sobbing loudly into his shirt that rested on his shoulder. His arms were squeezing me tightly, as if I would disappear.

But it was he who disappeared. He did leave, after kissing me on the lips. He looked into my eyes longingly before closing the door behind him.

He was gone, and I felt like I lost part of my heart. Deep down, I know I loved him with every piece of my heart. I appreciated him so much, and I will always be grateful for what he has done for me, helping me so much trough every thing I've gone through since we got here. Even before we got here, he was always at my side, protecting me even from a distance. Even if I sent multiple insults his way, calling him a disgusting twat of a brat, he always showed me respect. If you asked me if he ever treated me badly, I wouldn't have an answer for you. I didn't deserve the treatment I got from him, he was too good for me.

No, he didn't fight for me and didn't argue with me to stay, which is okay. He did as I told him, and respected my choice.

Weeks after he had left, I wasn't seeing Erwin anymore. Erwin had disappeared completely from my life. I should be happy, shouldn't I? I should be happy he's gone, and that I don't have to go to sleep scared anymore. I should be able to go to sleep peacefully and get a full night's rest.

But no. It got worse. Eren left 9 months ago. I haven't had a full nights sleep since.

I hated going to bed alone, the space beside me empty, cold and dark.

I was told to get a new bed, a smaller bed lately. But I couldn't. It still smelled faintly like him. I couldn't  just get rid of it, it was part of him in a way. He's already physically gone, I couldn't get rid of the only part I had of him.

I tried seeing other people, but with every kiss I shared with them, I could feel Eren's lips on mine instead. With every person I undressed for, I could feel Eren's eyes and hands on me instead. With every smile I sent to someone, I saw Eren's smile being returned instead.

I was starting to see Eren everywhere. He wouldn't leave, and part of me was so so happy. But I knew he wasn't physically here. The only way I was able to see him, was through other people. Which drove me down the wrong road.

I was desperate to see Eren any chance I could get. Which made me grab at every person I could get my hands on, and bring them to my bed. It was Eren's hands, I told myself. It was Eren who was touching me and making me feel good again. It was Eren's lips I was kissing, it was his lips that were driving me insane. It was Eren.

I was bringing someone new back to my home multiple times a week. Even if it was just a few kisses, a few hugs, or some time in the bedroom, I didn't care. I did whatever I could to see Eren.

"You're an eager one, aren't you?"

I got that a lot. I got that too much.

"Just shut up and undress."

I hated hearing their voices, because it didn't sound like Eren. I didn't like the sound of it, because it wasn't him. Hearing their voices made me realize that every time and it drove me up the fucking wall.

"You don't want to get to know me a little better before we do this?" It was his fucking voice again. It wouldn't go away, I don't want to hear it.

I growled, slamming him against the wall. "I said shut the fuck up."

He braced himself, pushing me away a little. "Dude, I'm okay with hooking up, but even I don't like getting fucked by  a complete stranger."

I glared at him, grabbing his shirt and pulling him towards me before slamming him against the wall again. "Why do you keep talking and talking? I don't want to hear it. If you're gonna fucking pussy out, do it and fucking leave."

He glared at me, forcing himself out of my grip. He sent me a sick look before heading towards the door. "Freak."

I glared at his back, rolling my eyes and gripping onto my hair. I pulled at it hard, breathing quickly. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I hissed, heading into my kitchen and grabbing a bottle of vodka. I downed a good amount, closing my eyes and sighing loudly.

I was ruining myself, I know. I was going mentally insane from being so lonely. I was using people just to see an ex boyfriend. I was a fuck up.

I knew if I didn't get some sort of help, Eren was going to drive me 6 foot under the ground.

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Abrupt ending, sorry. I haven't written in forever. I was originally going to have this be a great, happy chapter but uh. I was feeling angsty and realized I hardly ever write angst. SO YE, this story is taking a small turn because it will end soon.

I hope you all enjoyed! Leave feedback please.

Anna