Warnings; Alcohol, mentions of suicide and self hatred.

The bottle of Vodka stared back at me, like if was waiting for me to make the next move. Would I open it? Or would I throw it away and forget the fact that I even bought it?

What's it gonna be, Levi?

Shut up.

Come on, pussy.

Shut the fuck up.
Why am I talking to a bottle of vodka?

Growling, I grabbed the neck of the large bottle and pried open the lid and gulped down 3 huge gulps of the alcohol. I nearly coughed it back up, leaning over the counter but it didn't bother me. Instead, I took another large gulp.

I hated myself. I hated everything about myself, I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I thought, I hated the way I chose to do things and I hated everything else. I fucked everything up, and I was going to pay the price by drowning myself in alcohol.

I lifted the bottle nearly the whole way up, downing a few more gulps, coughing violently after swallowing.

Eren had been gone for nearly 7 hours now. After 3 hours he left, I forced myself out of the house and bought 5 new packs of cigarettes and two bottles of vodka. I smoked 3 cigarettes on the way back on home from the store, and just now starting on the alcohol. I had to get myself drunk enough to forget about Eren and forget myself.

"Fuck you, Levi." I whispered, before drinking more.

I felt my head spinning already, my legs starting to give out from under me, telling me to sit down. I was too out of it to make it to the living room so I made myself a seat on the kitchen floor, a cigarette in between two of my fingers on one hand, the bottle of vodka in my other hand. I slammed my head back in the cabinets, sighing loudly, taking a long drag from my cigarette. I could feel my eyes watering and I didn't even try to stop them from streaming down my cheeks.

I hated the person I was. I hated the way I blamed Eren for my insecurities and how I probably made him feel like shit. I knew I messed up, I knew I fucked everything up and I know that the words I said to him really messed him up.

I wish I never existed. I wish I died for real by that Titan, I wish I never came back to earth.

"Fuck." I whispered, crying into the bottle.

I couldn't stand it. My heart was aching and I was t sure if it was because of all the hatred I felt for myself, or the fact that I just possibly lost Eren forever and it being all my fault.

I sniffed, wiping some tears from my cheek with my shirt sleeve, picking up my phone from the floor beside me and clicking on a random contact number. The alcohol and tears blocking my view so I had no idea who I clicked until I heard a familiar voice on the other end of the phone.

"Hey, Levi!"

"Hanji..." I whispered, closing my eyes and letting out a loud sob. "Hanji I need help."

Her chirpy voice quickly disappeared and was replaced with worry and shock. "Levi? What's wrong, what happened? Are you okay?"

I shook my head quickly, not even attempting to stop my loud sobs. "I'm not okay, I don't want to be here anymore."

I could hear her moving around, the sound of car keys in her hand. "Tell me what happened, I'm listening."

I groaned loudly, shaking my head again before stopping because I was getting dizzy. "Don't come over here, I don't want you to see me right now."

She was hesitant at first, not moving over speaking. But then I could hear her front door open and I could tell she was stepping out from her house. "Okay, I'm not coming over. I'm doing errands. Tell me what's going on."

I could tell she was lying, she was on her way here so she could comfort me. I decided that wasn't a huge issue, and focused on her question. "I fucked up things with Eren and he probably hates me now. But that's just fine and dandy because I hate myself too." My words were starting to slur and it was because of both the large amounts of alcohol and because of my sobbing. "He left me forever, he's not coming back. Even if he does, I probably won't be here by the time he gets back."

"Oh, Levi, don't talk like that. You have a beautiful personality, you should love yourself. So many of your friends love you, and are so happy you exist. I don't know what I would do if you weren't there for me. Do you know how much you have helped me when I needed you?" She said into the phone, I could hear her car start and could hear her driving down the road. "Back in the wall days, you always supported me. Even though you acted like you hated my wild Titan theories and ideas, I could tell you had my back. You always stood up for me when people made fun of me. Do you know how much that meant to me?"

I closed my eyes, taking a drag from my cigarette, thinking about all the times I did in fact stand up for her. "I remember. But that doesn't help the fact I make shit mistakes and fuck everything up." I was starting to hiccup the words out of my mouth from my cries, and I drowned the hiccups with more alcohol.

"Oh but sweetie, haven't we all fucked up a few things in lives? None of us are perfect, it's normal to mess something up, even if we thought it was a good idea at first." She whispered, "you messing something up just proves that you are human."

Sighing, I kept my eyes closed as small tears pushed their way out of my eyelashes and rolling down my cheeks. "I don't want him to leave me."

"He'll be back, Levi. And even if he doesn't come back, that just proves that he doesn't know what's good for him."

"I'm not fucking good for him." I replied, flicking my cigarette's ashes onto the floor with my thumb. "I'm the worst thing that ever fucking happened to him."

"You know that isn't true. You have no idea how happy you have made him. You have made him into the person he is today. Do you remember how naive and immature he was when you first met him?" She asked, not waiting for my reply. "He has changed into a man, a brave mature man. And that is all because of you. You deserve every kind of 'thank you's from him, you have been the best kind of person to him and I am so, so proud of you."

I sniffed, wiping my nose on my shirt's sleeve. "T-Thank you, Hanji."

"Now unlock your door, I'm pulling in your drive way. My shoulder is extra nice and soft today to lean your head on." She said, with a smile.

I hummed in response, saying a quick thank you again before hanging up. I gripped on to the counter above me, lifting myself up, leaving the bottle of vodka on the kitchen floor but gripping onto my cigarette between my lips. I slowly made my way to the front door, gripping onto the wall and furniture on my way and unlocking the door just as Hanji appeared at the door.

She sent me a sad smile when she saw my appearance and stepping through the door. She had her arms opened for me, and I was quick to fall into her embrace, failing to keep my sobs at bay. She sighed softly, rubbing my back and kicked the door closed behind her, guiding my to the couch while keeping her grip on me.

"You drank a lot, didn't you?" She whispered, guiding my head down on her lap, wiping away my tears.

I nodded, closing my eyes and trying my best to breathe softly to calm my cries. "I wanted to numb the pain but it didn't work."

She nodded back, running her fingers through my black hair. "I'm so sorry. Do you wanna talk about it? It may help to talk."

I sighed, blowing some smoke out from the corner of my mouth before nodding, leaning my arm over the cough to flick some ashes off.

Sniffing, I licked my lips before beginning to speak. "Eren and I had sex." I started, her eyebrows rose a little and I could see a corner of her mouth lift before her expression turned back to serious. "We did stuff a few times, and I felt different. I felt like I was losing control over my body and at first I liked that thought. I was okay with losing control with Eren, and letting him take over me. But then it started to feel weird and I started to think back to what Erwin did to me. H-How I lost control and was taken over by him." I whispered, fumbling over my words a little.

"Sweetie, you know Eren would never do what Erwin did to you." Hanji said, brushing my hair off my forehead and scratching my scalp a little.

I sighed, closing my eyes. "I know he wouldn't. But I couldn't shake the thought of Erwin's hands on me, and it didn't feel like Eren anymore." I said, taking another quick drag from my cigarette before flicking it towards the table infront of the couch. "Anyway, I kind of blamed him for wanting nothing but sex from me, and that's where it all went down hill. I know he doesn't want me just for that, but I couldn't let him know what I was thinking so I just blamed him for that instead."

"It makes sense, you know. I understand why you would have thought that, and that doesn't make you a bad person. You thought you were ready for that, but found out you weren't. That's okay, Levi." She said, smiling softly at me, wiping the now dry tears from under my eyes. "But you need to tell him, and apologize. If you want him back, you have to explain and set some boundaries or find other ways where you feel comfortable."

I looked at her for a while, nodding softly and sighed loudly. "You're right, I'll call him and ask if we can talk. I miss him."

She chuckled, pinching my cheek and I didn't even bother to slap her hands away from my face. She's been too much help for me to act rude. "You do that, I'll leave you two for privacy... you know, just in case things get heated."

I rolled my eyes, "if we start arguing, I'm fucking running out the door."

She smirked, raising an eyebrow. "I meant the other kinda heated."

I glared at her with my drunken glaze. "I'm not letting him touch me like that until I figure out how I want it done where I don't get flashbacks like that again."

"You know..." she started, looking off into the distance like she had a brilliant idea. "You could always switch roles and you be the more dominant one."

I parted my lips, starting to speak but confusion got to me. "How does that even work without me having a dick?"

She rolled her eyes, rolling her head back onto the back of the couch. "You can be dominate without a dick. Just take control, and boss him around instead of submitting to him. Were you never a bit bossy with the people you slept with before?"

I shrugged, furrowing my eyebrows, trying to think of how I used to act back when I had a dick. "Maybe a little, but it was easier to shove my dick down their throat rather than smash their head into my vagina."

She snorted, laughing loudly, grabbing my phone from the arm rest on the couch and put it in my chest and signaled for me to text Eren. "You just gotta take control, and have him submit to you instead. Tell him what to do, tie him down, get on top of him and do whatever he's okay with you doing to him. Trust me, you'll both like it."

I hummed for a moment, nodding while pushing buttons on my phone, hoping I was spelling everything correctly while I typed my text message to send to Eren. "We'll see. If it ends up being embarrassing, I'm hunting you down."

She chuckled, pinching my cheek again. "It's possible it may feel weird at first, but it's something you gotta warm up to and learn. You both will find out what you're into while learning." She explained, smiling at me after I sent the text message. "Just take it slow at first and figure out what you want and what he wants. It's okay if it's awkward at first."

Nodding, I laid the phone on my chest, staring up at the white ceiling, running images through my head of what him and I could do if I were to take Hanji up on her advice. It could either be very much enjoyable or end in an absolutely disaster. Ending bad could possibly mean no sex at all, ever. So I need to be careful of what I decide.

My chest vibrated moments after I sent the text, and I grabbed it quickly to read Eren's response.

"He's on his way." I whispered, swallowing loudly. "What if I fuck it up again?"

She shook her head, playing with my hair. "You won't. Just be patient and be careful with your words. Tell him what you told me if you're okay with telling him that. I'm sure he will understand, he's a very understanding kid. Just give him the time and don't explode or lose your cool when you see him."

I bit the tip of my tongue, thinking about her words before nodding slowly. "Yea, okay. Thank you."

She smiled, patting my shoulder and motioning for me to sit up and get off her lap. I did as she asked, and she stood up with her arms out. "Come on, hug me and I'll be out of your hair."

I sent her a hint of a smile, hugging her waist while staying in my sitting position on the couch. It was a bit of an awkward hug, but she didn't mind and hugged my head, patting my shoulder. "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Oh you better, and don't leave out a single detail or I'll figure it out somehow." She said, smiling but being very serious.

I rolled my eyes, but agreeing with her. She was gone a minute later, and I was stuck on the couch sighing loudly, feeling myself slowly start to sober up. I closed my eyes, feeling how heavy my eye lids really were, and I could feel the cold, dry tears resting on my eyelashes and cheeks.

I know I looked like a mess. I'm just curious of how Eren was going to react when he walks through that front door.

A little Late, I'm sorry. Also,, I was high while writing the majority of this story; still am tbh. So I really hope it came out decently and no spelling errors BC I'm no shape to re read this shit.
Sorry for the depressing chapter, but I hope you all enjoyed the small bit of angst. This is probably the only angst I will ever write because I suck at this shit.
Ily all.