As long as your warm eyes and friendly smile are here by my side, that is all I need to stand up once again.
-

Why did I agree?

Argh.

I can't do this.

I was sitting in my room alone. Two months had passed after the meeting with the CEO when we had agreed to continue our activities as a group.

Caratland was being organised after a few months. And our practises were going to start tomorrow. We were going to start practicing five-six months beforehand because we knew it was going to be really hard for us.

Henceforth, a large amount of time was definitely required for us to be mentally prepared.

It was all going to take place from scratch. Preparing the set list, recordings, choreography practice, etc.

That day, we had so many emotional talks and we finally made up our minds to begin a new journey but since that day, I've been regretting that decision every single second.

I can't do this, how can I?

I can't go on stage after knowing the fact that we are not thirteen anymore. Yeah, they are in our hearts, their souls are with us, but these things look pretty only while listening.

Feeling them in our hearts and actually going on stage without them were two completely different things.

Only if I hadn't started the fight that day, Coups hyung won't have left the practice room. Jeonghan hyung wouldn't have followed him and eventually nothing would have went wrong.

That's my fault. Yes.

But everyone was consoling me that it wasn't.

How can they? Are they crazy? Why didn't they kick me out of their lives yet?

I didn't realise when tears started rolling down my eyes. I don't even understand how I'm surviving. Everyday, I feel empty from inside. No emotions, no feelings, only guilt.

It was when my phone buzzed. It was Shua hyung's text.

Be on time tomorrow. Sleep tight and take care.

He knows. He knows what I must be thinking that's why he texted me separately even after dropping a text in the group chat.

All the members keep talking to me so that I won't think about these things again but it's not really possible.

Yet, when morning arrived, I found myself sitting in our meeting room, discussing the set list.

"Please drop Don't Wanna Cry." Seokmin mentioned, "Neither us nor carats would be able to handle it."

"Alright." Woozi nodded but he was clearly very unimpressed.

I could see it in his behaviour. A very precious song of him was being dropped from the set list but honestly, it was a great idea, according to me. It was impossible for us to perform that. 

The song would've been the exact match to create an emotional environment blah blah. But our weak selves were not for business. We had collectively decided to pretend to be strong.

"Kidult?" Seungkwan muttered, "It's a no for me."

"Hmm drop it." I nodded.

Woozi glared at everyone and sighed, "Okay."

"To You should be dropped as well."

"I don't want Circles either."

Woozi threw the pen on the table and stood up as he tore the paper which was in his hand, "Do one thing, drop all of our songs and perform cover songs in Caratland. Go rent some songs from other artists which you think you can perform well."

He walked out of the cabin while slamming the door shut.

"I knew it." Joshua hyung sighed.

"I know it's hard for everyone but we can't go on dropping all the songs like this." Mingyu added.

"We've to be professional. C'mon we've a lot of time to practice it." Dino stated.

"Yeah because technically, every song is going to make us emotional so what are we going to do?" Minghao scoffed.

"Instead, we've to overcome it." Jun insisted, "Together."

"I'll look for him." I stood up and excused myself.

I knew he would be in the studio so I knew my destination. As I walked into it, I didn't expect Woozi to be curled up in a corner, sniffling to himself.

Well, let's be honest. I lowkey knew that he reacted like that because he was breaking down.

"Jihoon." I called him with his name.

"Get out." I got the expected answer.

I walked towards him and sat beside him, "Please don't cry."

"Go away Hoshi." Woozi wiped his tears, "You all have lost your path completely. And it hurts me to see the team breaking down once again. If we've to repeat everything that happened a few months ago, then it's better to just give up."

"I'm sorry."

"That's the worst thing you can say right now." Woozi grabbed his hair in frustration.

And I realised, how messed up he was. Why couldn't I see it in the previous days? Because I was just too occupied with myself to look for others.

I'm not suffering alone, am I?

"Do you really think that dropping random songs like that will be a great freaking idea?" Woozi gulped, "If we've to do it like this then it's better to cancel the event. Lock yourselves in your respective rooms, cry everyday and forget all your dreams which you saw as a trainee.

Forget our promises, forger the team Seventeen. Who would care? There are numerous groups out there, people will eventually forget us."

"Do you really mean that?" I looked at him.

"No." Woozi chuckled bitterly, "But what we're doing right now is not worth anything. We're just ruining ourselves and our aim. We're giving pain to the hyungs who might be looking at us from heaven. 

What kind of future do we behold as a team? A ruined one or a strong one? What do you want to choose, Hoshi?"

"I'm too fucked up to have my own opinions." I grabbed Woozi's hand, "But I trust you, blindly. I trust Seventeen. Let's go."

"Don't-"

"Let's go, I said." I helped him to stand up and we reached the meeting room again which was dead silent.

"Everyone." I closed the door behind us and walked in, "Let's not drop any of these songs."

"Yeah don't give me those looks." I knew they were all bewildered right now, "These are not just some random songs given to us by XYZ person to have an album and break records, earn money blah blah.

These are our feelings because we've ourselves worked on them. Each and every lyric means the world to us. Every beat, every tune, makes up a piece of our dreams that we saw before debuting.

Let's not dump it. We've to be strong for each other. No one knows what we're going through and honestly, we don't need to earn anyone's sympathy. We've always been craving for achievements through our hardwork right?

I know we're all sensitive at this moment but we've to overcome it. If not that stage, if not the fans, if not this team, then what do we have to feel proud of?"

I felt Woozi's gaze fixated on me. He was clearly astonished by the change in my ideology but now I had a clear vision for me, for us.

"Let's try at least?" I inhaled a deep breath, "All the tears that we'll weep in the practice room will make up the flawless performances that we're meant to present.

Let's not ruin the dreams of thirteen passionate teenagers who have been working hard for their dreams in that basement. Let's- let's complete each other, please? Is it too much to ask?"

"It is." Seungkwan stood up, "It's actually too much to ask. But I'm ready to fight myself and win."

"Guys, enough of weeping. We've broken down many times." I sighed, "It's time to stand up once again. Because, we're here to hold each other."

"Shall we discuss the set list now?" Seokmin stood up, "Without dropping our precious gems."

"Yes." I chuckled.

We're ready, right?

To face everything, together.