New turtles in bjyx fandom - Reminder :

Serious consequences impacted Xiao Zhan's life, following a common gay fanfiction story, the authorities destroyed him for a year. Anyone who allied with him was punished.

In 2020, Zhan will become public enemy number one.

Today and for more than two years, Yibo and Zhan have no longer been allowed to interact in public.

In China, homosexuality suffers strong discrimination and is still presented as a mental disorder in many textbooks. Most gay men still pass their orientation and are forced to marry the opposite sex for safety.

POV Xiao Zhan

I became the stranger of my own life. The decision I made today is only an end beyond me. Brutal, certainly, but from the depths of my decline, I venture to believe that it will be salutary.

Your name is engraved on the sighs of my heart.

My dull gaze drifts over the horizon of water that takes shape endlessly. Two hundred meters to my right, the ferry that will soon take me away from this land that is ours, under the golden sun of the golden. You would have undoubtedly loved this view. But by my side, was there one thing you didn't appreciate? When there is one, you accept it for the simple pleasure of seeing me smile. Wild lion that you were; attentive and tamed, beside me.

I smile at the idea, just what the tired features allow me to stretch. This nostalgia will never leave me. I miss your tenderness like water misses the desert. I thought I could part with it and yet, you see, time and events decided otherwise. Love follows its own laws.

And now I have to go. Run far away from here, far away from you, my love. You, who married my tears in your arms, when mine could no longer carry me. You who kept silent to listen to my melancholy when I was only the shadow of myself. You, who had for me all the faith in the world during the storm; the gods themselves must have envied your desperate devotion. Shield of my heart against the rage of the world.

Yibo

I get up, my body limp and my arms dangling, but my hand remains tight, her, containing one of the silver jewels that really bound us, without anyone knowing it. United under the eyes of those who adore us and thought they were seeing an idyll without seeing its precipices. And how could they, behind the smiles and the reverent silences that were imposed on us.

Di Di.

My spirit is impregnated with your voice, already too distant; my chest grew heavy with an invisible weight. I take my cell phone out of my jogging pocket and decide to immortalize this moment for some reason that is unknown to me. Perhaps to keep in memory this moment when I will have lost my footing - what do I know about this kind of madness?

On my screen a fiery sun freezes, embracing the golden thread of the sea.

You, what are you doing? And what will you be doing soon, when I've taken off? Will you be in front of your television with the one they have forced you to cherish for three years, following the conflicts that are shaking our population? To contemplate the chain disasters, the violence that befalls those who fight for their freedoms and oppose force? How can I continue to remain unmoved? Their hatred will have taken everything from me, today I have lost everything. Please do not judge me.

I put my phone away and take a few slow steps on the dock to get closer to the entrance to the boat. When will I return...?

This shot will be the last before long, in these places. In this country which will have exhausted my resources, will have broken us as it has broken so many loves and flouted so many rights. But eventually, we knew. Are we not responsible for our misfortune? – that's what they kept telling us. We knew the illusion that you and I would be. From the beginning, there was only her, this absence of us.

As the security guard whom I have already met (and bribed) approaches, I readjust my black mask over my nose and, as soon as I have presented my papers again, I go to join my travel bag in the cabin. When I step onto the mobile pontoon, when I leave Chinese soil, something inside me tears. I have officially given up. I abandon you. But I surrender, too. I forget my life so as not to pretend anymore, just for a time. To ward off the one I have become, the one who carries another reflection of himself by dint of running between the flames.

On my way, despite the crowd that brews inside the hall, my gaze stops on no other human being. I don't feel like it. Loneliness is my only friend. Under my black cap, my sunglasses and my mask, in these ordinary clothes, everyone is unaware of my escape. To be transparent. Know peace. That's all I aspire to now. Will you think that I'm acting like a coward? See, the ruins they have strewn all over our paths, the destruction of our hopes. We only have one life, I realized that. Our colors have washed up on the shores of their violence.

I drop my brown leather on the bed of my humble little cabin then go up to the bow, wander at the end of the bridge in search of a little silence; the sea breeze will know how to keep the crowd sheltered. Contrary to all the autumn outfits I meet, I'm only wearing a white t-shirt, one of yours; the last one I will have kept. I don't care how fresh it is. My heart no longer risks catching cold.

It's already been so many years now and yet my soul remains haunted by this you and me of yesterday, as if it were from today. Still raw from you while our love is tinged with sepia.

The offensives resume and detonate in the city. I hear their echo but don't think about it anymore. This new impassiveness frightens me, it is not part of me; my fragility is eroding.

Elbows resting on the ultimate railing that faces the sunset, the bite of the cold grips my skin, whips my exposed throat. A long shiver runs through me then my whole body shudders violently. I let out a ridiculous snort. Because yes, I'm ridiculous. “The man who fled and punished his lack of courage by freezing against the wind”.

I take my cap off for a moment to run my fingers through my hair and hold it in my hand, my bare arms crossed on the icy iron bar. Finally, the ferry utters the deafening melody of its departure, crushing my heart in its breath. My eyes mist up without welcoming the slow sob that rises in my throat. The evil weighs too heavy to be able to sink.

Di Di. Don't be angry with me for leaving everything, I implore you. There have been so many tears. Did you pay one for me recently when you learned of the decisions they forced me to make? Were you pained by reading my (their) declarations? seeing me on stage with this smile that is no longer one, for a long time? The drawing of my joy cannot deceive you, you.

My greatest fear is not knowing if you miss me again. Do you think of me, sometimes, when you have to curl up in his arms? My eyelids close on painful images, crushing in passing a fragile tear that disappears almost immediately in the face of the onslaught of the wind.

The hard part isn't knowing you're with her – our primary role is to protect ourselves. No. The hardest thing is to tell me that your feelings have surely etiolated over time, like the last grains of an hourglass destroying all movement. To realize that one day you will forget me. And that day will come, believe me, it always comes.

A detonation, louder than the others, makes me turn my head. A few sighs, hardly surprised, rise behind me among the few families strolling on the bridge. Soon. Soon all this commotion will be away from me. Rattles of voices ring out. Surely a group of spectators glued to their smartphones, inflamed about the latest events in expectation of an unrealistic outcome. The people have too many requirements. That of wanting to live. And nothing resists force. Freedom will run out of steam in the toxic atmosphere of fear.

These are cries that now echo inside the entire building. Certainly the despair of some fugitives discovering yet another defeat. This time, I didn't turn around. In any event, what would there be to see that we don't already know?

I concentrate on the sound of the waves crashing against the breakwater. A gust suddenly tears off my black cap. Panicked, I climb on the first rung and stretch out my hand, but it has already flown into the air, light and insignificant. Your cap.

Doubled over on the bar, my eyes widen on this precious memory that has just been taken from me. A furious pain seizes me by the throat and makes an irrational sadness grow. I am skin deep. On top of you. My lips start to tremble.

Hysterical screams fill the interior of the boat. All indifferent to me. Or almost? The elated conversations begin to spill over to the bridge and I pick up information impossible to ignore.

"Look, they succeeded! It's finally happened!”

I frown and turn to see people streaming outside, sharing the latest news displayed on their bright screens. My gaze is on the city. What I see, me? Flames. Large flames that ravage a horizon of buildings embroidered with its twilight. What do I hear? The echo of various deflagrations. But for a few minutes, of course, a certain lull has been noticeable. And here, the outbursts of voice gradually unite towards joy. A very special euphoria, reserved for the days uniting an entire people.

“This is the beginning of victory! They gave in!”

Ceded?

"The first law! They approved the first law!”

Out of the caress of the wind, a shiver shakes my entire body. The first law, the one that could have changed everything. The one who would have lifted the veil and allowed us to exist.

My feet leave the bar while I observe, incredulous, the insane crush which agitates the excited passengers inside and outside the boat. I find it hard to believe what I see, to integrate what I hear. I almost feel dizzy.

On the bridge, everyone is in ecstasy. Those who were fleeing like me, embrace and express their happiness, their relief. As a family, as a couple... Two women finally dare to display their tenderness in public, in emotion.

And me, I find myself here, alone. For I have lost faith in this world. Or rather, faith in myself. Eyes misty, I take off my glasses, a smile on my lips, to better contemplate the outpourings of happiness savored at each corner of the boat. Brand new explosions are being heard everywhere, but I doubt that these are offensive…

"So it's true…”

A voice interrupts my thoughts. A voice that rocks my being.

"As true as I am here, Xiao Zhan."

My eyes drift to the side and land on the man in black who walks towards me. The one whose gait I will recognize among a thousand.

My breath catches. He throws his sunglasses on the ground, hastily strips off his black mask and cap, ready to throw himself into the ocean of love that has been calling him for an eternity. A new shiver makes me shake from head to toe. A few steps still separate us but already, his identity revealed to everyone is captured by a swarm of phones.

Finally, he slows down. The distance narrows. My glasses are slipping off my fingers, nothing else matters. Time stops. The illusion and the chains are disintegrating. I take a step towards him but quickly remain petrified, too long a prisoner of the cradle of my dreams. His eyes shine as bright as mine, imbued with a magic that has never seen the light of day.

He raises his hand towards me to remove my mask and I have to suppress the reflex to stop him. My face revealed, a deafening feminine frenzy resounds and our two names fuse in the crowd. But the more the spectators gather together, the less I hear them. Lost in the depth of those eyes that I never thought I'd ever see again in real life. I devour his presence. The indelible ink of his features. A golden silence isolates us, impregnates only us.

He looks at me as if taking the time to detail a treasure. My voice cracks, shaky.

"You are there…”

“At a time like this, where else should I have been…” he whispers, putting a hand to my cheek.

My trembling lips stretch under his caress. I close my eyes for a moment to better savor all the sweetness.

“So much time has passed…” I breathed.

The last step that he takes inhibits all distance. His Bleu de Chanel bewitches my mind, revived by a thousand and one love frescoes. He stares at me with melancholy gravity and puts a hand on his chest.

“You never left my heart.”

Tears come to my eyes. None of us will be able to suppress them today. I nest my cold fingers in his neck and rediscover the delicious warmth. The closer our bodies come, the more I feel him quiver. Our souls vibrate in unison.

My palms press into the back of his neck as he finds their way into my back, and soon, only inches separate our two already magnetized mouths. Then the world disappears. Our noses seek each other and our half-closed gazes melt into each other. In the caress of our two breaths, our love finally comes to life in the eyes of all on the well-known words which, this time, engrave their full meaning:

“Zhan Ge... Di Di ài nǐ.”

Our tears are flowing, our lips meet in a smile. Under the tears of joy of some and the acclamations of all, our happiness radiates that of the crowd by the sad beauty of its hope. A forbidden idyll, finally bursting into the open as the fires of victory crackle above our heads, releasing their rainbow rain into the crimson skies. Our flight lights up.

The world is pounding. In our colors.

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