Someday someone
will break you so badly
That you become unbreakable.

That day came,
Making her wish she died.

The soft stubble of his blond beard tickles against the pads of my fingertips, holding his chin between them. His breath a soft breeze against my lips, diving his oceans into mine.

A strange sensation shoots through my abdomen when he licks his lips, closing our proximity further. I dig my nails deeper into his skin, afraid of what will happen when I don't.

"Didn't you hear me?" I say, much weaker than the first time, "Stop studying me. You won't graduate.”

His eyes go wide and he leaves my hand hanging in the air, jumping up from his chair and stumbling over my rucksack while stepping back. The whole auditorium, including me, gapes at him running down the stairs, muttering under his breath.

"Jeez, who set his balls on fire?"

I crane my neck to be greeted with a smirking Harlow. "What?" She shrugs. "Luke never runs.”

An uneasy chuckle leaves my throat, realizing that I made him feel so uncomfortable in my presence that he felt the need to run away. From me.

Jesus Christ Dee.

"You're still coming with us for coffee right?” She asks, scanning my face with furrowed brows.

"I, uh.."  Rather not.

She grunts loud, flipping her silky brown hair over her shoulder. "Please? Don't mind Luke. He's..... Well, he's being Luke. Rude and his own way of weird. Come on, Dee!? He always pulls shit like this, ignore him. We need, no to hell with that. I need another girl in our group or I'll go insane."

I sigh and nod at her pleading grey-green orbs, ensuring her that I will be there.

It's safe to say that I gave her my, what the heck girl? look, when she squealed and locked me into a hug. Also the moment that our professor Mr. Gladdish told us to shut the fuck up or leave as fast as Mister Hemmings.

The old dude wrapped in clothes that could be his grandfather's, with greasy grey hair and a yellowish mustache probably, no, hopefully, from smoking without a filter, got my respect with his outbursts. Although, I feel bad for the students in his front row, receiving a shower of his foaming slobber. Inwardly cringing at the idea.

"We are meeting in an hour at The Bullit bite," Harlow informs me, walking together through the hallways after finishing the lecture in utter concentration. "Do you want a drive with us?"

"Nah, I'm good. I'll drive myself." Shaking my head. It's most likely Luke that will drive and I rather have the option of leaving when I'm done being in his presence. More precisely, in anyone's presence.

"As you wish, my sis." She winks and strides away in her black pleather pants. Her heels clicking rhythmically against the wide sandy colored tiles, demanding attention from every guy around us.

My eyebrow shoots into the fishhook look. My sis? She called me her sis. Urgh! It's official, she thinks I'm her friend. I'm not, not even close. I don't do friends. Period.

I carefully open the door to my shared room and pray Patience isn't sitting on her pink sheets, painting her nails, singing along a Taylor Swift song and let out a sigh of relief when I find our room empty.

I avoided her and her boyfriend on purpose since Saturday night. Vincent isn't my greatest fan. Yes I know, I did that myself. And I'm sure he dislikes me even more after the fight I caused with Cole. He was nice enough to warn my brother, who came and saved me from Cole's literally breathtaking grip.

I'm also pretty sure the three of them live together in that fraternity and play on the same football team. Beating the shit out of each other will come with heavy consequences from their coach and will cost him important games. Games that will be attended by the influencers calling the shots in the NFL.

Good job Dee. Again you didn't resist to ruin a life. Not any life, no your brother's life, and his biggest dream. The one he worked hard for from the moment he could hold a football.

I pull my beanie back on, disgusted with my face and cover the mark that will remind me until my death of the other lives I took and destroyed.

It crashes down on me once more. I fucking hate myself.

*

The navigation on my phone guides me in the direction where this coffee house supposed to be. I arrive after a short drive and park my beaten-up pickup truck half on the sidewalk.

It's located in between family homes, giving it a calming vibe. The doorbell jingles a happy tune when I enter, granting me with unwanted attention.

The place is filled to the rim with college students sipping their coffee. Most of them chatting away and some hidden behind laptops with headphones on, blocking out the noise to work on the ridiculous amount of assignments we get.

I order myself an hot chocolate, with whipped cream and mini marshmallows. My eyes skim around as I'm waiting for the barista to finish my order in search of a face I recognize, meeting his oceans staring straight at me with a look a can't decipher.

Is he mad? Probably. Fuck that shit. I'm not happy to see him either. I turn on my heel becoming irritated with his stupid face.

The barista slides my happiness in a cup towards me and a curse tumbles over my lips, burning my fingertips by lifting it up too wildly and spilling the fluid over the rim of the paper cup. I quickly shift it into my other hand, without spilling it this time and take hold of my earlobe to get rid of the sting. Slowly the heat fades away and for once I'm glad my father learned me his weird but helpful techniques.

I make my way over to the back of the space where the group has settled and notice a boy I haven't seen before. Faded pink hair peeps out under his black cap. He's casually dressed in a black and white long sleeve sweatshirt and in contradiction to the grumpy ass next to him, wears a goofy smile on his face. He appears to be nice.

I slide into the booth next to Elijah, as it's the only available seat. It's a shame that it's straight across Luke, though. Elijah flashes me a wide smile and for some reason feels the need to drape his tattooed arm over my shoulder as soon my but touched the foam.

I try to shake him off by extending my hand to the one guy that actually looks to be the normal one in this group. Asthon also qualifies the category, but he ain't here. He gives me a genuine smile, introducing himself as Michael while taking my hand in his.

I swath Elijah's hand as he tries to steal a marshmallow and growl, "Get your own! I don't share."

He pouts dramatically, asking, "Not even with your boyfriend?”

I can feel multiple stares on me, burning holes in different places of my skin. "You two are dating?" Harlow, seated on the other side of Elijah interrogates, leaning her upper body forward to catch my eyes. There is a flicker of curiosity in her gaze but moreover, fear.

"No, we're not!" I state harshly. "and I'm not interested either.”

"You're such a liar, Dee." He lifts up his shirt, showing off his ripped torso and grins" You couldn't tear your eyes off this deliciousness the first time we met. You're so Interested."

I roll my eyes at his modesty and whack his bare stomach with my flat hand, making him winch and drop his shirt. "Not even if you coat your dick in chocolate dip and put a marshmallow on top, Elijah."

The group cries out in laughter, warning Elijah in a teasing manner that he is losing his touch, except for Harlow. Her cheeks are a soft shade of pink, smiling timidly at me. I give her the same smile back. Conveying without words that I'm not a threat and that her secret is safe with me.

I'm not that girl remember your own words, Harlow.

Elijah flips them one by one the bird, grinning from ear to ear. At least I didn't offend him and made him run for the hills like the always grumpy ass Luke. Who by the way, is still staring a hole into my brain with that unreadable look and a tight jaw.

Roxy clears her throat, abruptly ending the laughter encircling me, mumbling over the rim of her coffee cup. "Navarro, your wacko ex."

He peeks over his shoulder and I do the same, making contact with angry green eyes belonging to a beautiful brunette. Next to me, Elijah keeps whispering, "please don't come here, please don't come here."

Does he has bird poo in eyes?! She is definitely coming our way and by the looks of it not to sprinkle fairy dust and wave her magic wand to make our biggest wishes come true.

He curses under his breath, realizing his whispered prayers aren't heard, pulling me by my shoulder closer into his torso. I glare at him, not liking this.

She halters at the head of the table, placing a hand on her protruded hip and fixating her eyes on her prey.

Me.

Freaking fabulous.

"This is my competition now?" It wasn't a question and even if she keeps her gaze on me, it was entirely addressed to Elijah. Her body language extrudes power, but I can see the hurt behind her green eyes. There is a deep-rooted pain inside her and it's not over a one night stand.

"Nola?!" He grunts, lifting his arm off my shoulder and rubbing two hands over his face. He sighs before locking his orbs with hers and says in a sympathetic and pleading tone. "We decided to take a break and that's between us. So keep it between us and don't lash out to my female friends. Please, accept it and try to move on. For me, but most of all, for yourself."

Her lower lip trembles and her eyes get glossy. She's on breaking point. "We?! We decided nothing, Elijah. You did. You fucking promised me...We would...You...” We all watch her search for words, breaking down into a sobbing mess in front of our eyes.

What the heck did you do to hurt this girl so deeply, Elijah?

Wiping her cheeks, she seems to get a grip on herself. Her attention returned to me. "Have fun with him. I hope he gives you an STD.”

I'm ready to tell her what's on my mind and what she can do with her judgmental mouth. But my blood runs colder than it already is, recognizing the voice next to me when it says.

"Well, well. The rumors are true."

I know I would run into her one day or another. But did it have to be this soon? Unwillingly, I force my gaze from Nola to meet her amber eyes, already staring at me with a startling amount of disdain.

She hasn't changed since the last time I saw her. Her dirty blond hair always in that half bun, high enough to keep the hair away from her face and accentuating her sharp cheekbones. Clothed in the latest designer labels and strutting around on her wedges, making it impossible to hear her sneak up on you until it's too late.

"You don't have to be afraid of her stealing what's rightfully yours, Nola." She says, squinting her eyes at me." She likes them older. She likes the ones that are already taken, especially those with a wedding ring on their finger. Don't you? Delila."

My stomach turns, feeling disgusted being called by my name.

"Oh, you don't like that, do you? "She asks hypocritically sweet. "But your name suits you so well." Her eyes roam over my body and she lets out a wicked chuckle. "Although, it seems your hunting days are over by the looks of it. But then again, once a ho...."

"Enough Ava." Another all too familiar voice warns her.

I feel my jaw clenching without my permission. I'm positive my teeth will break If I put any more pressure on them. My nostrils go as wide as possible in need of oxygen, but I lost the capability to inhale the air surrounding me.

I know I'm staring. Staring wide-eyed like a fucking lunatic without blinking at the boy that I once called mine, encircling his arm around her waist. She pulls him closer and pecks his lips to leave her lipgloss there as a mark.

It hits me like a thunderstrike. They are a couple. Ava and Zenon are a couple. It's not a question, it's a statement and I can't stop staring.

A warm hand is placed over my knee, snapping me out my nightmare and towards Elijah. That's when I notice my body is shivering uncontrollably. Teeth clattering like I'm cold to the bone and taking ragged breaths, struggling for air into my lungs.

"Delila?” He asks pleading, placing his hand onto my shoulder. I flinch away at Zenon's touch like he stabbed me, mumbling, "Don't touch me." repeating the words over and over again.

I know I lost myself. Once more, I lost my sanity in front of a crowd. Gaping at me, judging me from the words spilling from Ava's lips.

Images of that afternoon flashing before my eyes. The sound of devastation screaming into my ears. I need to get away from her, from him.

I jump out of the booth and let my feet carry me outside to my pickup truck. Leaving the parking lot with squealing tires, driving to the spot I found myself Saturday night.

The red dress girl hovering over my brother was right. All I do is bring trouble to the persons close to me. 

People can call me names, swear at me and even physically attack me without feeling the slightest sting. I detached my heart from my brain and sometimes I even wonder if it still beats with the coldness that settled inside my chest.

I need to stay away from people. People need to stay away from me. Cause hurt people just hurt people. That's what we are used to and that is what I need to avoid. I need to, for my brother.

First houses and then endless rows of trees flash by me until I come upon the turn that leads me to the dirt road. I am finally able to take in normal amounts of oxygen and instantly relax with the view in front of me.

I park my truck under the large old tree, decorated with a tire, hanging with ropes on its thickest tree branch and slide out to let my feet touch the green blanket filled with flowers in every color imaginable.

It feels longer than two days ago that I have been here. Somehow I drove myself to this spot after leaving the mess I caused Saturday night. I didn't want to be found and be confronted with Ryder. His face was smashed up so badly. His perfect nose was crooked, his eyebrow and lip busted and bleeding profusely. But that's not what made me go away. It was the look in his eyes that told me to leave him alone. For good.

I did what I had to do and stayed here until Monday morning. I left with some spare time to grab a quick shower, clean clothes and repack my rucksack before heading to my first course and that's what I intend to do now too. I'll stay away from every living creature and only go back to follow my courses.

I walk around the car and open the passenger door and glove department. My fingers reach and find the glass bottle with ease. I promised myself I wouldn't touch this golden poison anymore because I make a mess when I'm drunk. The joke is on me though. I don't need my buzz to make a mess.

I screw the cap off and take a large swig, setting my throat on fire. The burn makes me cough and my eyes tear up. God damn, this scotch is awful tasting.

"What the fuck did she mean!"

I blink a few times, sure the alcohol hit my system quicker than I thought.

"Dee, what the fuck did she mean!" He roars again, taking big strides until his face is just an inch away from mine.

"Dee!" He urges me, tugging the bottle out my hand and slamming it on the hood of my truck, spilling it all over.

The fuck! "Who the hell do you think you are Luke!" I yell, pushing him against his chest out of my personal space. "Who the fuck are you to follow me and to demand an explanation from me about something that's none of your fucking business. What are we from another, Luke?! Exactly, nothing!”

In shock, he takes a step back and stares wide-eyed at me. Maybe realizing that he overstepped or maybe not. I can't read him and it frustrates me to the core. He snaps himself out of it and starts to back away, mumbling he's sorry.

"Luke?" I call after him. At least he could explain himself.

He turns his back to me, taking even bigger strides to get away than he did making his way over to me.

What the.....well done. That's the second time today he runs to get away from you. I didn't want him to take off and leave me with my own fucked up mind. Bawling my fists in frustration, I growl and slam one against the side of my truck.

"Oh my freakishly fucking lord!" I cry out, shaking my hand to get rid of the tumping pain. Why the heck would people do this! It fucking hurts like a bitch.

A chuckle takes me out my reverie." Not as fun as it looks like in the movies, ey?"

I'm dumbfounded. He stands there grinning at me with his hands the pockets of his ripped skinny jeans. He switched from Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll within a minute. Nonetheless, I'm not complaining that he came back. Although.."Lose that stupid smirk Hemmings or I'll wipe it off myself."

"Fine, Daniels. Take care!" He flips me the bird and begins to leave again.

Dammit, "Luke!" I cringe hearing myself whine. "Please stay. I wanna be alone and yet I don't. I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts. I want to be alone with you. Shit, that doesn't make sense at all." For the love of God Dee, put a shoe in your mouth.

He chuckles once more and closes the gap between us, reassuring me. "It does. Don't worry." He gazes over my shoulder and says, "It's nice here."

I confirm with a nod and shift my body away from his, uncomfortable with our proximity. Once again, I can feel his stare on me and I wonder if he's aware of how much he does it.

We stand there, watching the field in front of us with the wind whistling through the leaves soothing like a sweet lullaby.

He tugs me on my sleeve to get my attention and points towards the old tree." Wanna sit?"

I shrug and take the bottle of Scotch with me. There isn't much else to do around here. He places himself with his back leaning against the wide tree trunk and pats the spot next to him, smiling up at me.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes at his happy face, appreciating the soft details that are more visible than normal and slide next to him on the mossy surface. Our knees accidentally touch and I quickly slide my legs under me and sit on my knees, resulting in him chuckling at my uneasiness.

We sit there in uncomfortable silence. Him staring at the sea of color in front of us, me peeling the label off the bottle. I suddenly feel the need to converse. To tell him what lays heavy on my ossified heart. For some reason, I believe he will understand me. I look up to the green blanket shielding us from the sun and sigh, "I'm so fucked up."

"Aren't we all."

"I'm serious, Luke," I say defeated, lowering my gaze and letting my eyes skim his side profile.

The corners of his mouth go slightly up. "I know you are." He states and twists his head to penetrate his ocean eyes into mine. "You're gonna be alright."

"How do you know?" I whisper, lost in his gaze.

He chuckles and his eyes light up."That's not how it works, Dee."

"Than, how does it work?" I ask unhappy with the answer.

He smiles wider and concludes, "I just know Dee. Isn't that enough?"

He's fucking with you. He isn't taking you seriously at all. And here I was, thinking he could be the one to understand what it feels like to put on a mask to survive. That, that mask feels more natural than my own rotten soul.

"You know nothing at all!" I lash out, irritated by my own naivete.” You don't know who I am when I'm alone. You don't know about the way I broke. You don't know about the way I cared and loved so do deep that it turned my heart into stone. You don't know me at all Luke. So don't tell me I will be okay when you know shit!”

I'm in utter confusion. He keeps looking at me with a tender smile spread on his face. Why isn't he screaming back at me?

He shakes his head lightly and takes my balded fist into his hands, peeling the fingers dug into my palm one by one out and traces the small u-shapes on my palm with his index finger created by my nails.

I can't help myself gape at this unreadable boy beside me, calming me with his touch.  I startle when he suddenly speaks, taking me out the hypnotizing and comfortable feeling I was floating in.

"Stop studying me, you won't graduate" He looks at me with a stupid grin on his face, bumping his shoulder into mine, making me chuckle and avert my gaze.

He got you there.

With my hand resting in his palms, another silence falls between us. A comfortable silence, until he asks, "Explain to me what I don't know.”

I can't help but wonder what he is trying to accomplish. If he's genuinely interested or only sweet-talking me to get the answers he followed me for. He was undoubtedly affected by the words from Ava's mouth. But why?

I wish I could. I really wish I could tell him the whole truth, but I can't. Because I'm afraid once he learns what a horrible person I am, he will look at me with the same disgust I feel looking at myself.  I bow my head, mumbling," I can't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," He understands. I try to repress the smile pulling at the corners of my mouth when he laces his fingers with mine, rubbing his thumb over the back of my hand.

The same sensation I felt this morning, storming inside my abdomen returns, seeing him lick his lips, "Tell me something you have never said out loud. I wanna know who you are, what you think." He says out of the blue.

"Alright?" I say hesitantly and take a sip of Scotch."I hate and I mean literally hate unicorns."

He deadpans me, drops my hand and gets ready to push himself from the mossy-filled carpet we are sitting on. Clearly, it's not what he meant, but I'm serious. It's a horse with a multicolored dildo strapped to its head. Come on people!

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." I breathe. Tugging him back by his wrist, he drops himself back next to me with a grumble. His soft features are replaced by his usual harsh ones and I don't like it.

I take a deep breath, feeling his stare on my cheek while I watch the flowers dance with the wind in front of me, I confess, "I miss the old me."

That's the thing I never have said out loud. The thing I promised to never admit to anyone who isn't me.

"Why?" He whispers.

"Why?" I sigh loudly and pick a flower, plucking off the white petals until only the yellow heart is left. "Because she was carefree. My life was perfect. I was the perfect daughter, friend, and girlfriend.  I used to trust easily and befriend anyone who needed a friend. I used to have confidence, I was comfortable in my own skin. I used to help anyone, believing that who does good, receives good." A sarcastic laugh leaves me. "Did I fall hard for that trap. I was so naively believing perfect exists.”

"You were not naive Dee. That's called innocent, being young."

"Not anymore. I'm no longer naive and definitely not innocent." And that's quite the understatement. I lost my innocence when the rumors made their way into my auditory canal, infiltrating my brain and my demons took the upper hand.

"You're being too hard on yourself."

His long fingers grip my chin when I don't respond. Forcing my face to his, he repeats, "You're being too hard on yourself."

"I'm not. I'm a.."

"Shush," He silences me. I immediately stop talking when he traces my bottom lip with the pad of his thumb and diving his blue eyes into mine. "You are dee. You are not the tough person you pretend to be. You wanna know how I know. Because I can see it in your eyes."

I hear myself take in a deep drag of air with his remark. He suddenly leans in, closing the small space between us until our noses almost touch. I stiffen feeling his hands slide over my legs, under my hoody to my hips and further reaching my buttocks with has large warm hands. He puts pressure on my ass, encouraging me to shift. As I do, he lowers his palms to the back of my thighs and lifts me onto his lap.

His hand moves up to my lower back, pushing our bodies closer. The other skims up my side, over my arm, leaving a trail of fire until he burns my skin, wrapping his palm on the back of my neck.

I can't tear myself away. His pupils are dilated and I can taste his breath on the tip of my tongue. He lets his soft lips graze against mine, gripping my bottom lip with his teeth, softly nibbles on it and tugs and teases it by running his tongue along the sensitive skin before letting it loose.

His eyes flicker down and a rasp leaves his throat when I suck my bottom lip in, tasting him and feeling the swell from his assault. I pop it back out and he crashes himself against me. He wraps my hair around his hand, grabbing it tight and yanking it with a greedy passion.

I let out a whimper and my core contracts when he roles his hips under me, grinding himself against me and caressing my tongue at the same time. I pick up his pace, feeling the heat rise to a point I've never been. I push my body flush against him to get more friction and pull him closer to deepen our kiss.

His hands move over my body and under my hoody, tightening them around my bare waist, massaging the skin with his thumbs. A bowling ball plunges down inside my stomach and I can feel the poison set in, streaming through my veins and clawing itself painfully into my stone heart.

It's too much for me. His personality blows me away like smoke picked up by the wind and confuses me at the same time, turning him into more of a mystery than he already is to me. A mystery I want to unravel and yet know I can't.

I brake the kiss and take ragged breaths against his lips. "We can't Luke."

"We can't, what?" He asks, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion and putting distance between us by leaning back.

"This," pointing between us. "You shouldn't let me in, I'm too broken for you. We can't be together Luke. It will end up in hurt."

His hands shoot up in surrender, leaving a coldness behind on my waist. "Whoa, who said anything about dating? Dee, I don't want you as my girlfriend."

I immediately push my body weight up from his lap, startled by his harsh words and stare him dead in the eye. "Fuck yourself, Luke."

The realization hits him or maybe not, what he said to me. Scrambling up to his feet to catch me, but I don't let him. "No Dee! That's not what I meant!"

I don't care what he meant and keep walking into the flower-filled field, away from this boy with his honey-sweet words without meaning asking myself again why he followed me.

Why did he make the effort to comfort me, to listen and try to get to know me better if he isn't interested in me at all and especially not in the way I thought he was. Why the heck did he even kiss me if he doesn't want me and why does it bother me this much? My brain itches inside my skull with all the questions I can't resolve.

"Fuck!" He growls behind me. "Dee quit walking away from me! He yells, catching me by the wrist and yanking me around to face him." What I meant is that I don't date. With you or anyone else for that matter. I don't believe..."

"Good!" I growl, interrupting him and snatching my wrists out of his tight grip."I don't date either and especially not with someone with a split personality like you, Luke! Now fuck off and never find your way back to me!"

In her young life, she learned.
Not to love too soon, to trust too fast and to expect too high.
Because everyone is selfish.

Today, she thought he had come.
Come to show her the tables had turned.
That she doesn't need to drown. Drown others with her demons.

She was wrong. He was selfish. She will drown.