I'm trying so hard not to cry, to hold it in, to not yell or tell you what's bugging me. 'Cause you might be annoyed by me, and that defeats my purpose.

Even if you don't love me, I don't want you to get annoyed by me. I don't want irritation to be the first thing that crosses your mind when you hear my name or see me.

It saddens me to see how we've become nearly strangers, while we used to be more or less the same person, trying to pick each other up and at the same time trying not to break.

In the short time we forgot our sorrows, we had a lot of fun, acting like complete idiots or laughing our heads off at random times, and when we faced a reminder of what we were trying to forget or ignore, we would help each other get through it.

I'd thought I'd healed, being with you; but I was nowhere near that.......

And when you started going places with her, I had no idea that would affect our dynamic. I mean, I knew we would spend lesser time together, but I didn't think that would go down to near-zero....

The other day, when our class was moved to a different room and we were free for three-fourths of the time, I interacted with every single person, even her, but just not you.

See, I don't have any issues with her; I genuinely respect and love her. She's an incredible person and I understand why you spend so much time with her and that she's nearly impossible to stay away from.

And I won't ask you to stay away from her, all I'm asking of you is to give me just a little bit of your heart. I don't expect you to stick with me 24/7, just give me a little bit of your time.

Remember when we bonded over music and movies and whatnot?? Well, that was the first proper relationship I'd had and I loved that feeling, and wished it would never end.

When we went on the trip, I thought we'd just encountered a small hitch and that we'd be smooth sailing soon. But I was wrong, so very wrong.......

It hurts me more now, 'cause I already know what being with you feels like, and now that I don't have that anymore, it just cuts a deeper gash....

You're not the first (or probably the last) one to leave me behind and walk away, but you're the one that hurts the most, 'cause I'd truly felt we would last forever and I had completely let my walls down. And, though you probably don't know, your arrow hit my Achilles heal, and now I feel I might break into shards with even the slightest nudge.....

If, and when, I get over you (seems like that's never gonna happen), I might even go back and read the songs I wrote for (or, inspired by) you and stash it away as a piece of my past, but now, I tried to do that, but all that happened was me greeting the green-eyed monster.....

I can't believe it, and you'll probably rubbish it if you come to know, but it's the truth: I'm now jealous. Of myself!! The old me, she was so lucky......

The me older than the above-mentioned me was also lucky, in a way, 'cause she never knew what this was. You know, to lose something, you have to have it in the first place......

And I know I'm nowhere near good for you, I'm good for nothing and don't deserve you, but won't you have some mercy on the less fortunate?? Just once, I'd like to have that again, even if only for five minutes, and I'd cherish that forever......

My mind's trying to make me follow the saying, 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened', but my heart refuses to budge, to let me follow that, 'cause when all I can think about whenever we cross paths, which is everyday, is how much I miss you, that's like a Herculean task....

And when I had to give her a curt reply to keep from yelling at her, I was so upset, 'cause I know what she's been through and how much she's fought to make it where she is now and it felt so terrible to talk to her that way........

But we've patched up, now, she and I, and we had a frankly enjoyable exchange and I was relieved she hadn't taken my words to heart......

I don't know if this gaping hole in my heart will heal, without you by my side....

There's another here trying to help me and I'm trying to act like I'm fine around her, though my heart is crying, 'cause I don't want to let her down, and I should be jumping up and down in joy that there's somebody here who believes in me, and is honestly trying to help me, but you make that impossible....

'Cause when your heart's still hurting from somebody, it's hard for it to find space to accommodate another......

I know you're the good guy here, I'm not trying to make you the bad guy here, 'cause all you did was follow your heart, and I laud you for that. You just didn't realize how it would affect me, and I guess I didn't, either......

And I don't know how to tell you this, to let you know this, to let you help me, 'cause I'm so afraid of hurting you, and making you hate me.......

I seriously don't know how to put this across to you. If I ever do that, 'Et tu, Brute?' will be on the tip of my tongue, though I don't want it to. I'm all the more afraid of talking to you as all that I've bottled up might just explode, and then you'll probably never be able to forgive me.....

Oh, this reminds me of 'Catch-22' now, how I want to do something and not do it at the same time.....

I'm falling into an abyss, and you're not here anymore to pull me up.....

I guess it all comes down to this: I badly miss you and want you back, even if a mere shadow of who you used to be......

I'm really clueless as to what to do or how to proceed from here......

I mean, I have to be curt and basic whenever I talk to you now to avoid incurring your anger; this might even appear to you like I don't like you anymore, but that's really not true......

I've got myself into this mess, and now I've got to get myself out, albeit I don't know how....

I'm really useless.....

I'll stop here to keep from boring you......

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A.N.:

This is about how I feel about a certain person.....

And I can't believe I wrote more than 1100 words!!

And I'm sorry if I've irritated anybody with my rambling on and on......

And if you've read so far, thank you a lot!!

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