Origami Girl

Chapter 45: The Snows of Spring I

"Just now I had a dream. I'll see you again. I know it. Beneath the falls."

-Mishima Yukio, Haru no Yuki

"Jarrett says he might be a bit late," Ayumi-chan said, putting her phone away. "Is your boyfriend coming over already?"

"He's not my boyfriend," I said, rolling my eyes jokingly. "But he did tell me that he's on his way. But I don't blame him if he's a little late. He lives quite far from the station."

People all streamed by us, going ahead with their respective journeys. Some were travellers hauling their luggage in one hand, children in the other. Others were just office workers, who of course, despite the spring break still have work to do. Ayumi-chan just sat beside me flipping through her planner.

"You said we deserved a break," I said. "Yet here you are."

"Well I'm planning for next week," she replied, scribbling something in her eloquent handwriting. "And technically we're not on holiday yet, so it's not like my break starts now."

"What've you got on your schedule?" I asked, curious.

"I'm meeting another lawyer next week," Ayumi-chan answered, looking up from her writing. "One of my father's contacts."

"You're still working hard on planning for your own firm huh," I commented.

"Well if you want something you have to work for it," the young woman replied. "What is it that you want?"

I fell silent for a brief moment. Truthfully, I never really thought what is it that I wanted. Given that what I wanted was usually at the expense of others. Guilt clouding my heart over what happened with Jarrett and Yukino-kun, I never really thought about what I wanted anymore. I just didn't feel like I was worthy enough of even wanting something for myself. Yet there I was, face to face with that very question I had been trying so hard to avoid in the melancholy monotony of my routine.

"I just want to be happy I guess," I finally said, the words slipping through pursed lips.

"Then you better work for it."

As the crowds filed past us, I sat there motionless on that bench, my right hand clutching onto my handbag, my left placed on the handle of my suitcase beside me. It has almost been a year since I moved to Sapporo, and every time I recalled being happy, it has always been with someone else. Could I never be intrinsically happy? That was a sad, sad curse, to think about it. I guess I'd rather busy myself with the ones I love. They were the only ones who could make me happy, I suppose. If I was just surrounded by my friends and family I guess that was enough to sustain me.

But yet it was these very same people, those so close to us that could hurt us so much. They were the ones who could snatch away our hearts from the safety of its cage and slam it against the far wall, shattering it to pieces as if it were made of glass. Because it was. I suppose all our hearts were made of glass and it hides behind a sternum of artifice and appearance to avoid getting scratched. But I suppose when we peel off that protective layer to the ones we love, whether they want to or not, they'll end up hurting us in one way or another. That, alas, is the price of love.

I couldn't help but think of the young man with the stormy blue eyes. The way his lips parted, the sparse beard on his jaw. I never knew him, and I never will ever get the chance to, but deep in my heart I wish I had. I wish I could've done something. To know that someone willingly took their life makes me feel guilty, another blatant reminder of my own sins. I wish I could've done something.

And the children, the poor children. They never did anything wrong. They didn't deserve it. Euan showed me a picture he took with his niece a few days ago, when we had lunch together. He just looked so happy as he held her tight, a loving kiss planted on the girl's cheek. They even dressed up in matching onesies. Euan had bought a matching pair for the both of them. He loved that girl, he truly did. And Finlay took her away from him. Snatched her away just like that.

I could still see it in his sky blue eyes, the hurt, the anger. He never really truly forgave him I suppose, but I guess his brother's suicide brought some form of closure. There was no point in holding grudges against the dead, but who am I to tell him? I wasn't the one who experienced it. I had no right.

"I hope you didn't have to wait too long."

I looked up to my left and there he was, his luggage bag in his hand. He wore a blue quilted shirt with skinny jeans. His thick auburn curls were swept to the right, and his beard well-managed. I couldn't help but notice that he seemed to be in a good mood, judging from his radiant sky blue eyes and thin smile.

"You must be Yoshimura-san," the young man said as he turned to Ayumi-chan. "It's great to finally meet you. Thanks for letting me stay over at the apartment the other day."

Ayumi-chan stood up and extended her hand, which the young man took in both of his.

"Don't worry about it," the young woman said. "I've heard many good things about you. I'm glad Ayano-chan found someone like you."

I shot the young woman a glare, to which she only replied with a regal stare and a slight nod, her lips curled up into a small smile. I could see in the corner of my eye the young man's pale cheeks turning a rosy pink.

"I'm sorry," the young woman said. "I'm merely kidding. I don't want to sound like I'm pressuring anything. But I'll vouch for Ayano-chan though, she's a great person."

"Oh stop it," I told her. "You're making poor Euan blush."

The young woman only smiled as she returned to her seat.

"Well don't worry about her," I reassured him as he walked up to my side. "She's just joking. Don't take it too seriously."

"Oh, right," the young man said, nodding his head and watching as the train on the far platform departed the station.

I thought nothing of it.

I thought nothing about Euan supposedly meeting the young man I used to have feelings for the first time, having grown accustomed to Jarrett's growing jealousy, yet what Euan said nearly jolted me to my feet.

"Oh hey," he said as the young man approached. "I didn't think I'd see you here. Small world, eh?"

Jarrett only gave out a somewhat uncomfortable laugh. I immediately stood up, holding on to my luggage to hide the fact that I was rather startled.

"Oh um, Euan," I began awkwardly. "How did you, um, how do you know him?"

"You know the place where I got a job offer last week?" the young man said, in a rather jovial manner. "Yeah, Kashiwagi-san works there."

"Yeah," Jarrett added, a slight edge to his voice. "Didn't he tell you?"

There was a short, pregnant silence as I just glared at the young man. If he keeps up with the attitude, I supposed we weren't going to have a good time. Ayumi-chan noticed this, of course, and once again her timely intervention helped to diffuse the situation.

"The train must be boarding now," she said as she walked up to her boyfriend. "Shall we go? I don't really like to rush."

As we walked to board the train, I couldn't help but feel a growing anger in my heart. Why was he like this? Why must he let it be this way? I supposed it was my fault in the least. It was a moment of weakness, a moment of faltered morals. A moment I was never proud of. Yet, he kept clinging on to it, as if it was the lamp that lead the way in the darkness. I still don't know if Ayumi-chan knew about it. I can only hope that she figured Jarrett's jealousy as a remnant of what happened between us before the affair, when he was single. I could only hope that she thought of it as such.

Euan and I trailed behind the couple, dragging our luggage around. The rather cold encounter with Jarrett seemed to have left him unfazed, rather he seemed to be more interested in absorbing the surroundings: the bustling station, the chatter in the air, the occasional robotic-sounding announcements over the PA system. Considering that he had been dealing with a lot lately, I was glad to see him like that.

"At least I'm glad we're catching a break," I said with a sigh of relief as I settled in my seat –I sat with Euan, of course, while Ayumi-chan had to pacify her boyfriend. "These past few months have been quite taxing."

"I guess," the young man said as he leaned back into his seat. "And you know, travelling with others is much more fun than travelling with your depressed self."

"You're going to be fine," I told him reassuringly.

"Yeah," the young man muttered, before putting on his headphones.

We didn't talk much throughout the journey, it only took us about two hours at most. From the corner of my eye, Euan seemed to have fallen asleep I spent most of the time looking at the scenery outside. The snows have melted away, and the sparse buds and blossoms began to bloom on the branches of the deciduous trees. I watched as we passed through small towns and fields of rice spreading as far as the eye can see. The sky was clear, and the sun was shining its rays over the bare paddy fields. The train began to snake through the mountainside just by the river as it made its way into Asahikawa.

Alighting at the station, we made our way to the taxi stand outside. There was already one waiting at the berth, and with no other passengers around, we just boarded it. Ayano-chan sat at the front passenger seat, presumably to give directions, leaving the three of us to seat in the back seat. I quickly got into the far seat, leaving Euan to sit between me and Jarrett. I really wanted to leave the interaction with Jarrett to a bare minimum, a small part of me hoping that the feelings that I had bottled up within me would slowly die off, without anything to rekindle the dying flame. I wanted it gone, extinguished. There just wasn't any value to it.

The taxi ride was a rather awkward affair. I just spent my time looking at the scenery outside the window. Asahikawa was a rather small city, slightly smaller than Hakodate. It was rather quiet, with only a few pedestrians walking about and the streets empty. We drove out through the city proper and into the outskirts, where the buildings began to get shorter and the spaces between the houses began to be interspersed with paddy fields. The road soon began to get steeper again, as the taxi began to leave the city and get deeper into the foothills of the mountains. The winding roads were lined by virgin forest, thick and luscious with vegetation. The peaks of the far mountains peeked from between the gaps between the pockets of trees and natural clearings. I couldn't imagine how far the estate was from the main town. But then again, this was just their countryside estate, and not their main residence. Boy oh boy, the wealthy do seem to love their privacy very much.

We soon arrived at the palatial estate. Nestled between the willow trees, the entrance was rather unassuming. The high fence surrounding the compound was tiled with black terracotta tiles, forming a small arched roof. The gatehouse was surprisingly modern, with an automatic sliding door which opened up after Ayumi-chan punched in some numbers on the digital board by the wall.

As we stepped into the grounds, I couldn't help but notice the rustic allure of the entire compound. From the gravel on the path, crunching under our feet as we walked, to the still pond lined with mossy rocks, to the topiaries, low and compact, everything about the estate had an old charm. The main housekeeper lives by the building attached to the gatehouse, and even then the cottage seemed to match the grandeur of the compound.

The main building was itself a large, sprawling complex. The heavy lead hip-and-gable roof was supported by dark, sturdy beams, the overhang revealing the wood underneath. The entrance of the main building was marked with a curve in the roof, the karahafu, the beam supporting the curved tiles engraved with gold.

The housekeeper arrived to greet us, a rather robust looking woman, about fifty years old, judging by her greying hair.

"Would you please take their luggage to the guesthouse?" she said , pointing to the luggage belonging to Euan and I, but not after a small exchange of friendly words with the housekeeper. "The other two you could put it in my room. I'm going to show them around the estate."

"Well, I hope you have fun then," the older woman said with a smile, before taking our bags away.

Ayumi-chan walked up to the entrance, past a large stone lantern, before sliding the door open. We were greeted by a large genkan, the area floored with stones rather modest in size, that perhaps a group of ten could stand comfortably in it without getting too cramped. We took off our shoes and followed Ayumi-chan up the raised floor and turned into the hallway. The wooden floorboards felt smooth under my feet, the smell of faint incense wafting through the air, sticking to the wood-and-paper sliding panels.

The first room she brought us into was the parlour. Interestingly enough it was rather western in style, with a fireplace on the far wall, floral wallpaper and a plastered ceiling. There were a few ornate Victorian-style armchairs, and the floor was covered by a Persian rug. The wooden Japanese style-windows were draped with heavy silk curtains, their hems sweeping the floor.

"Well my great grandfather came here during the Meiji era, and he designed this house himself," the young woman said as the three of us, her visitors looked around in awe. "This is one of the few western rooms in the main house, but this is where he used to entertain his guests."

"What made him move all the way here?" I asked, curious.

"He was a rice merchant, and he used to own most of the farms in the valley," she said as we left the parlour. "Made a lot of money, but my grandfather started to shift his attention towards industry, which kind of set the track to where we are now, I suppose."

We moved through the house, with Ayumi-chan showing us the rest of the rooms in the mansion, there were game rooms, a reading room, the old western-style study. Then we also had a peek at the Japanese tatami rooms, where the family in the olden times used to lounge. The kitchen, slightly lowered from the wooden floor, had very modern finishes, with stainless steel fittings, and the stove shiny and expensive-looking. The fridge was large and seemed rather new, its modernity made even more contrasting by the surrounding wooden walls and aged floorboards.

"We upgraded this of course," the young woman said as we turned back into the corridor. "We needed a good, well-serviced kitchen to entertain our guests. We're having caterers over for the event, so they could use the kitchen."

"So what you're saying is that you upgraded the kitchen just for one annual event?" I asked.

"Not really," Ayumi-chan replied. "We still use it from time to time. When there are no events."

The tour concluded with her sending us both to the guesthouse. It was a small cottage at the edge of the property, by the back gate leading into the forest. It was built in the same traditional style as the rest of the compound.

"Don't worry," she said. "This building is quite new, actually. We built it around five years ago, just made it try to fit in with the style of everything else. So it's not like it's a converted shack or anything."

Indeed the design of the two-storey cottage was pretty traditional, with a sliding door at the entrance. The hip-and-gable roof had a slight overhang, just like the main complex, and it too was lined with black terracotta tiles.

"Why don't the both of you get settled in first," Ayumi-chan said. "Nomura-san probably already placed your luggage upstairs in the bedroom. "We'll come pick you up at two and we can go see the horses. I've got my riding instructor to come down this afternoon, it'll be nice if you two wanted to try and ride with me."

"Sure, that sounds great," I said, before parting with Ayumi-chan and her boyfriend.

As they walked away, down the gravel path towards the main building, I too, turned around and slid open the door. The two of us found ourselves at another genkan, a little smaller and simpler this time. The guesthouse had more sleek and modern furnishings, with a lounge sofa in the living area, as well as a small television. To the side of the living area was the small kitchen, with a bar counter for dining. I reckon I was going to even do any cooking, but I suppose you can't call a house complete without a kitchen. Upstairs, upon directly getting off the staircase was the bedroom. It was a double bed, with clean sheets, as well as a floral bed cover.

"You know," Euan said, as he walked over to his suitcase. "You take the bed, I'll just sleep on the sofa below."

I only nodded as I went to my luggage and began unpacking as well. We were going to be staying at the estate for four days, with the party happening on the third day, around noon. The spring weather was great, neither too cold nor too warm, so to hold a garden party at midday would be rather comfortable. Besides, I suppose it'd be great to enjoy the newly blooming buds and flowers, as well as the cooling spring air.

I found the young man downstairs going through the channels on the television, slouching into the sofa, he seemed to look rather exhausted.

"Are you alright?" I asked him, as I went up to take a seat beside him.

"Yeah, yeah," Euan said, turning to look at me, yet he still seemed rather distant. "I'm fine, just. . .Just a little worn out from the journey that's all."

"Well do you like animals then?" I continued, turning slightly to face him ever more. "Ayumi-chan will bring us to see the horses. Maybe you can ride together with us? Helps take your mind off things?"

"Why do you keep assuming that I'm sad all the time?" the young man replied with a slight, tense chuckle. "I'm fine, really."

"You're not alright," I told him, placing a palm on his broad shoulder. "You could always talk to me. I'll always be here for you."

It hurt seeing him like this. My heart bleeds every single time he sank back into that grief. He only opened up to me once, that night as he wept into my bosom before falling asleep, as well as breakfast the next morning. We never really discussed everything in full, but deep in his sky blue eyes, I could tell that he was still hurting. I just wanted to be there for him, and I wanted him to know that he was never alone.

Yet, a part of me felt guilty. Why did I feel so strongly for him? Did I not love Jarrett? Had he not been the one that had always been there for me? The one who had held me as I wept, telling me that it was all going to be all right? My heart was in a mess, and my mind was no better.

"Don't burden yourself over me," the young man said, with a rather dismissive tone. "I'm not worth the fuss."

"You can't tell me that," I answered, his blunt edge gashing against my heart.

"Well what are we, exactly?" the young man snapped, glaring at me with those blue eyes of his.

I couldn't find the words to speak, as if they just clogged up in my throat. I wanted to tell him something, to ask him why he would say that, but those after all, were just cursory, dismissive statements. I couldn't avoid it anymore, he had the blades of his words directly on the surface of my swollen, beating heart.

"You know," he said, taking my hand off his shoulder. "I always thought we had something, but I don't know. Maybe it was just me."

"No, no," I told him, slightly taken aback.

"Then what is this?" he asked me.

Again, he young man forced me to confront what I truly felt inside. I didn't know how to put it in words. He looked at me with his sky blue eyes, and I could feel my heart thump against my chest. I didn't like this. Not at all. As complicated as everything was, between Jarrett, Euan and I, it was something that I had grown accustomed to. I was in fact not ready at all to move on. My heart was not ready, yet in that pregnant silence, I saw an opportunity. A chance for a fresh start. A chance to set things right. To finally leave behind the wrongs deep in my bruised and swollen heart.

"I feel the same way about you," I muttered. "It's not just you."

"You'd think we'd uh," he said, his confrontational stance having all but dissipated, betrayed by the broken smile on his lips. "Make a good item together?"

"I guess," I muttered awkwardly, my lip quivering as I gave him a slight smile.

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I had changed into a pair of black leggings matched with an olive blouse, given that we were going to spend some time with the horses. It wasn't practical for me to be riding in a skirt, well, that if I even got to ride in the first place. I hope I do. I've never ridden a horse before, and I suppose it would be fun.

"Have you ever rode on a horse before?" I asked Euan as I stepped down from the stairs.

"Never," he told me. "What is it? You're planning to try out riding today?"

"I mean there's no harm in it I guess," I replied. "There's always a first time for everything."

"Yeah."

There was a knock at our door exactly at two. I suppose it was Ayumi-chan, and hurried to open it. I was excited to go meet the horses, so much so that I didn't even think much of anything else. In my excitement about going to see the animals, as well as just having a new boyfriend, I had a large smile on my lips. But it wasn't.

In front of me I found myself facing Jarrett. The young man was in a dark blue polo and grey breeches. I quickly wiped the smile off my face, and replaced it with a smaller, more formal grin. My heart thumped in my chest as our eyes met. I wondered what he would think of me now that Euan and I were a thing.

"Ayumi told me to pick you both up and bring you to the stables," he said, his arms crossed. "It's not that far from here."

I looked at Euan who was seated at the couch, who got up the moment our eyes met. The young man had changed into a grey t-shirt and black sweatpants. To be fair, I didn't really know what to wear for riding horses either, so it wasn't like I could've told him to bring along some proper riding clothes like what Jarrett was wearing. Well, even then I only just knew what proper riding clothes were when I saw him.

The young man led Euan and I away across the estate, past the pond and underneath the drooping willows. The sun had certainly warmed up the earth, and the temperature was less cold now. It was a perfect spring afternoon, clouds dotting across the endless canvas of bright blue. As we walked underneath the willow branches rustling in the wind, the light shining through the gaps in the leaves, seemingly making his reddish hair glimmer. I couldn't help but notice the faint traces of chest hair peeking out of his low collar.

"The weather's really nice today eh, Kashiwagi-san?" the young man suddenly said, his sky blue eyes looking up to the clouds above.

"Yeah, of course," Jarrett replied, not even bothering to turn behind.

I only eyed Euan warily, but he didn't seem to show any signs of hostility, which was a relief I guess. I wondered if he even noticed Jarrett's hostility. But I guess that was a good thing, I didn't want Euan to be troubled by Jarrett unnecessarily, he had already so much on his mind.

We soon reached the stables, a long building by the edge of the estate, right beside the side gate. I found Ayumi-chan inside, talking to her riding instructor by a black steed. She was dressed beautifully in a light blue blouse, together with a pair of grey riding pants and boots. Even in such clothes she maintained her elegance and grace. Her dainty hands clasped in front of her, she walked up to us as we approached.

"Have you met the horses yet?" she asked, a welcoming smile on her lips. "It's been a while since they've seen any visitors, and they love people. They're really friendly."

We followed the young woman into one of the stalls where a white mare was eating some hay. I watched as Ayumi gently stroked the horse's body. Its eyes were a deep amber, and its lashes thick and long. It grunted softly as Ayumi touched its beautiful, cream mane. It looked like such a beautiful thing.

I walked up to it, my shoes crunching on the strands of stray hay underneath my soles. The horse was such a magnificent beast, and I felt my heart quiver underneath the nervousness as I approached. It was my first time, even seeing a horse up close and I've always expecting them to be magnificent, noble creatures. As I approached, I looked directly in its eyes, before I reached my hand out. My fingers touched its muzzle, which felt like smooth velvet.

"It's smooth isn't it?" Ayumi-chan said.

I only nodded my head, my words curt. In the corner of my eye I saw Euan walking towards the exit, hands shoved in his pockets.

"Is he alright?" Ayumi-chan asked me, as she turned to look at him.

"I think I'll go talk to him," I excused myself. "Don't worry about it."

"Sure," Ayumi-chan said. "Just make sure he's alright. He didn't seem too good back on the train."

As I walked out of the stables, I couldn't help but feel the guilt creep into my heart. Had I been blind all this time? That he was just sad and miserable this whole time? Perhaps he just put on a smile to make me happy. Perhaps he didn't want me to worry. Perhaps I had been so used to sadness that it just didn't register with me anymore.

I found him seated on a bench by the side of the building, leaning against the wall, stretching his legs out in front of him, his sky blue eyes gazing at nowhere in particular. He didn't even move when I approached, so I just sat by the space next to him in silence. Without a word, I placed my right hand on his left, the warmth of his smooth pale skin on my fingertips.

Eventually he let out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said, finally, his lilting voice a stark difference from the idyllic silence of the estate.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"For ruining the mood," the young man grunted apologetically.

"You didn't ruin anything," I told him. "It's fine. You thinking about your brother again?"

"My niece," he replied, with a hint of a melancholy smile on his thin lips. "When I saw you touch the horse, I couldn't help but think of her."

"I'm sorry I should've known," I muttered.

"It's nothing," he answered. "She loved animals. Once Laura and I brought the kids to a petting zoo, and my niece loved it. She cried when we said we were leaving. I had to carry her out."

"That was nice of you to bring them there," I remarked. "What about your brother?"

"He was –I don't know," the young man interjected. "Probably getting drunk again."

"You told me he loved his children," I said. "Never thought he would be a neglectful father."

"He does," the young man replied. "It's just that when he got down he would drink and he'd get violent. But he'd regret it and he'd cry whenever he did anything stupid.

"I was the first one that Laura opened up about the abuse, she showed me all the bruises he'd give her. The ones on her neck, her shoulders, her back. It started a few months after they married, but she stayed with him, because she thought that she loved him. He'd be okay for a while, but then he might get stressed at work and he'd take it out on her, and she'd soldier on. She cried to me on the phone when she was at work, telling me that she's scared to go home to him, but that she has to. But with that kind of abuse your love slowly drains away and your heart starts to find someone else that actually cares for you, who actually really wants the best for you. And-"

Euan stopped. I noticed him biting his lip, the words seemingly heavy on his tongue. He turned to look at me, his sky blue eyes faded with a deep sense of regret.

"I did something that I really, really wish I hadn't," the young man said, his voice breaking. "My niece and nephew. . . I-I'm their father."

I took a deep breath as I turned to look at the vast expanse garden in front of me. The mossy rocks, the wisteria branches swaying in the wind, the calmness of the surface of the pond, I took all those sights in as I tried to take the heavy news. It was hard to digest. A shock, really.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Euan said. "I'm sorry that I'm not the man that I want to be. The man I should've been. The man that does what is right."

"You don't have to apologise," I said to him as I placed my hand on his shoulder. "It's alright. People make mistakes, we're only human."

"I feel like such a hypocrite," he added. "Sitting at the pews with my eyes closed, pretending I'm a good person. When I slept with my own brother's wife. Then I told my girlfriends that I was a virgin and that I didn't do sex until after marriage. All the while fathering two children under my own brother's nose. It's the man I want to be, but it's not the man that I am."

"How do you know they're yours?" I asked, my eyes wide. "They could be your brother's."

"Every time Laura got pregnant we took a test for the baby without telling my brother," he said. "And for both times it was me."

"That's why you love them so much don't you?" I remarked as I rested my head against his broad shoulder. "They're your children."

"And I killed them," he said, his voice quivering. "I killed them."

"What are you saying?" I asked. "You loved them so much. They meant the world to you."

"I was the one who told Laura to file for a divorce," he answered. "It's what made him do what he did."

"You were just looking out for Laura and the kids," I tried to tell him. "You only did what was in the best interests of those you loved."

"No, no," he muttered, shaking his head. "I only did what I thought was in the best interests of myself."

"Why'd you say that?"

"I wanted her to leave him for me," the young man confessed. "I never said that out of course, but deep in my heart I felt that maybe, maybe we could be together. Maybe the four of us could be a family. I was only thinking about myself."

I only kept silent as I closed my eyes.

"Maybe this is divine punishment, you know?" I heard him say, his words interspersed with sniffing. "I took everything from my brother, so God took everything from me."

With that, he buried his face in his palms. I could hear him sob softly, and I could see his shoulders shivering.

"It's all my fault," he wept as he wiped his tears from his reddened eyes. "And now I lost everyone."

"I'm so sorry," I muttered into his ear as I wrapped my arms around him. "I'm always here for you, believe me."

I just held him there without a word, as the cool spring winds sending my hair fluttering, the serene silence engulfing us. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his chest. I listened to his heart thumping loudly, beating with fading intensity.

I texted Ayumi-chan and told her Euan and I would be taking a walk, and she shouldn't wait for us. With that, the two of us had some time to explore the estate grounds by ourselves. The buildings were grand and pretty, but honestly I was more impressed by the outside spaces, from the carefully manicured gardens with its ornamental plants to the lawn at the backyard with its smooth carpet grass.

"Do you think I'm a good person?" he asked me as we walked by the fringes of the quiet meadow.

"Why would you say that?" I replied, as I reached for his hand. "I don't think it's my place to judge you for the things you've done in the past. You clearly regret it, and I think that's what's important."

"How about someone who does god out of shame?" he continued, seeming to not even hear what I just said. "Do you think someone like that is truly good?"

I only kept quiet. My lips were sealed, but my heart cried out. It was something that had been on the back of my mind but I had never really acknowledged. Sure, I always tried to do the right thing, yet why did I do it? Was it because I was genuinely a good person or was it because I just felt guilty about being so selfish in the past? Sure, I did it because I didn't want to be selfish anymore, but I couldn't deny that there was a small corner of my heart, tucked away deep in my chest, which only motivated me to do it just so that I could feel just a little bit better about myself. Does that make me a good person? Or did it make me selfish?

Shame. I was ashamed of the mistakes I've made. Things I shouldn't have said, lips I shouldn't have kissed. Does the shame that lead me to make things right ultimately just make me selfish? Only doing it for self-gratification?

And here I finally found someone who felt the same way I did.

"Thank you," I finally muttered.

The young man looked at me slightly confused, a perplexed expression on his face. His eyebrows slightly frowned and his sky blue eyes staring directly at me.

"For being honest with me," I said. "I mean, I'm not perfect too, and there are things that I've did which I wish never happened. But I don't feel so alone anymore, at least."

"We've been really open with each other ever since we first met, remember?" he chuckled, once again his happy lilt showing traces in his speech.

"I've always tried to do the right thing, and it's not because I'm inherently good as a person," I said. "Ever since my boyfriend hanged himself. . . I've always forced my own selfish desires to take a backseat, it's a conscious effort. You know that feeling, where you feel so disgusted at yourself for having done something you're not proud of? I don't feel like I deserve anything to be really honest."

"Oh come on," the young man said. "You couldn't have possibly known that you leaving for Sapporo would've been the final straw."

"And you wouldn't have known that getting Laura to file a police report would've lead your brother to kill your children," I replied rather point blank.

We kept silent as we walked towards the edge of the estate. We both knew, I could tell. That this guilt that was buried deep in our hearts had no place there, that whatever happened was just a cruel twist of fate, the workings of an invisible hand, with no fault of our own. We both knew, that whatever happened was just beyond our control, that it shouldn't be something that we beat ourselves over. Yet we still blamed ourselves. Perhaps, to the both of us, putting the fault on ourselves was the only way we knew to process it. Perhaps, to the both of us, blaming our own sorry selves was easier than resigning to fate. To let go. To move on. Sure, Euan only lost his brother and his children a few weeks ago, but it's been a year since I've lost Yukino. I tell myself that it gets better with time, and I know it'll be hard to grapple with things, but seeing Euan now, I only just realised how far I've come. Yes, it still hurts when I remember the events that fateful afternoon, but naturally, the intensity of the tightness in my chest just seemed to loosen I suppose.

I didn't want to step on his head or anything, but it did help put things in perspective for me, somewhat. Both in how things slowly got better, as well as how, at the very root of it, the pain doesn't really go away. It sticks with you, you just learn how to live with it.

We were walking past the back gate, the stucco and stone fence lined with a row of flowering bushes. The pale pink blossoms were in full bloom, with the elongated green leaves poking out from the clumps of flowers. They almost looked like the cherry blossoms, but they were too short and shrubby.

"They look beautiful, don't they?" Euan remarked, probably after noticing me looking at them.

"Of course they do," I replied as I brushed my fingers against the gentle blossoms, their soft petals touching the tips of my fingers.

"Well, they're pretty deadly actually," the young man said as he reached out and touched the gentle blooms. "They're oleanders."

I quickly pulled my hand away from the bush, a cold shiver running down my spine. Oh no, I thought to myself. Was a rash going to break out from me touching them? Could I possibly even die?

Instead my mind broke out of the automated worry when I heard the young man's chuckle pierce through the chilly spring air. His lips were spread into a beaming grin, his shoulders quaking from his giggling.

Feeling a hot rush come flooding to my cheeks, I playfully slapped his right bicep.

"You don't really have to worry," he said, still holding back his laughter as he rubbed his arm with his other hand where I hit him. "They're only poisonous when they're ingested. But watching you recoil was really cute though."

I couldn't stay annoyed at him for so long, especially with his boyish grin and gentle laugh. My face was still warm, but it was from his compliment. I just pursed my lips and averted my gaze.

"Oh c'mon," he muttered. "Loosen up a bit."

"Where did you know all this from though?" I asked as I turned to admire the flowers again. "You could say that they're deadly but they're just so beautiful."

"Laura used to grow them in the backyard of the house," the young man said, shoving his hands in his pockets, his sky blue eyes wandering off into the land of distant memory. "I remember those times so clearly. I stop by often to meet the kids, even when my brother was at home. I still remember feeding my kids their lunch in the kitchen and looking out of the window to see her in pale blue dress, working in the garden, watering the plants, trimming the shrubs. I'd bring little Leslie on my shoulders and Maddie would clamber up a stool and plant herself by the window sill just so that we could watch their beautiful mother be happy for once. She'd take a while to notice us, too engrossed with her lovely flowers and plants, but when she did, she'd wave. And I'd wave back."

"Your kids have beautiful names," I said. "I'm pretty sure they had beautiful souls too."

"I was pretty sure I'd watch them grow up to become good people," the young man confessed as we began to make our way back to the guest cottage. "Well, that's what I'd hoped, at least. But you know, things happen."

I only kept silent as I wrapped my arm around his, closing my eyes as I leaned my head against the side of his bicep. I let every sensation sink in, the sound of my breathing, the whispers of the wind, the gentle touch of his sleeve against my cheek.

"But you know, it made me realise something," the young man suddenly said, his voice piercing the chilly air.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, where our gazes met.

"You can't be truly happy if that happiness is built on a foundation of lies and betrayal," he said. "I've learnt that the hard way. That's why I'm trying to be really honest with you. You're a really nice person and ever since we've been hanging out I just felt more and more inclined to have something meaningful and special with you, you know?"

"But if you already had Laura then, why seek out someone new?" I asked.

"I was a mess," the young man said rather solemnly. "And by then I've already thought that -you know, I knew it was wrong, and I thought it was time to break it off, and leave Laura, even though I loved her, but I can't betray my own brother like that. When I first met you I thought you were decent enough that I tried to get to know you, maybe forget about her and helped myself to get out of my own moral dilemma-"

The young man stopped talking abruptly.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "I'm just, really, really confused. I'm not really the type that's good with sorting out my own emotions. I'm sorry if you feel like when I first met you I didn't really have the most noble of intentions."

"You know, we're more similar than we are different," I remarked as we reached the house. "I confess, I only showed interest in you at first because I wanted to forget someone I've wrongfully loved. But I just got to know you more and see how similar we both are."

The young man's eyes widened as he looked at me, to which I only flashed him a little smile. Opening the door, we both stepped back inside. I was fine with not getting to ride a horse if it was for spending some time with my boyfriend and talking things out with him.

"You see," I said to him teasingly. "You're not the only one who makes use of others. I may not look like much, but I admit, my intentions were not very nice to you. But just like you, I did it because I was trying to do what was right. I'll tell you sometime in the future. You've already got enough on your mind as it is."

The young man stayed silent for a while as he lingered around in the kitchen as I poured a glass of water for myself. But in the end, he gave me a slight smile, his thin lips curling up from his right corner.

"So you do understand after all," he said as he leaned over the counter, looking at me with his sky blue eyes.

I only tilted my head as I placed the glass of water on the table.

"Of course I do."

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

We headed down to the main house for dinner, Euan and I walking down the gravel paths of the garden illuminated by the soft glow of the stone lamps. I had made sure that we were dressed nicely, not too formal, yet not too sloppy. It was the third time I got dressed that day. Living with the rich is certainly exhausting. Besides, Ayumi-chan's parents have arrived that evening, and I wanted to make a solid impression. Ayumi-chan had told me this is the first time she has ever brought a friend over to meet her parents. I couldn't even imagine the pressure Jarrett would feel, given that he was Ayumi-chan's boyfriend, coming to meet her parents.

I wore a midnight blue doll collar dress, while Euan wore a light grey long sleeved shirt tucked into a pair of black pants. He looked pretty dashing in office wear. I did tell him that he should pack some formal clothes just in case, other than his main tuxedo he'd be wearing for the party, and I wasn't disappointed at all. The young man did have taste. I suppose it was also time the two of us made it official, given that we would be introducing ourselves to the master and mistress of the estate shortly.

We arrived at the dining room after leaving our shoes at the main door and traversing through the labyrinth of wooden corridors, just as how Ayumi-chan had instructed us to. She had told me to bring Euan with me ten minutes after her and her parents have seated down, so that it would be much less awkward for me if I was just left there alone with her parents. The people in this house sure had a very strict sense of time. But I was only a guest in this house, so of course I had to just follow along. Besides, strict routine, I found, was in fact a rather good thing.

The sliding door to the main dining room was open by the time we arrived. It was rather large, and decorated in the same Western style as the main parlour. The floor was laminated wood with a large carpet in the centre, instead of the usual tatami. The dining table was large and ornate, made out of heavy wood. The walls were covered in Victorian-style wallpaper, with alternating floral motifs. The dark ebony sideboard huddling against the wall housed a vase of flowers and some old photographs in crystal photo frames.

At the head of the table was a middle-aged man in a dark olive shirt and trousers, while to his right, was a woman in a green dress, her hair tied at the back of her head in a neat bun. Their clothing looked crisp and expensive, and I noticed the man's gold watch on his wrist, and the woman's necklace of glimmering pearls. Ayumi-chan herself dressed rather nicely as well, wearing a white blouse tucked into a high-waisted black pencil skirt. I felt their eyes all drifting to me as my boyfriend and I appeared in the open doorway.

Ayumi-chan immediately got up, and walked up to us with a warm, welcoming smile.

"To-san, Ka-san," she said, introducing us. "Please meet my friends."

Smiling, I gave a deep, formal bow. In the corner of my eye, I could see Euan doing the same, rather awkwardly.

"Yoshimura-no-oto-san," I said, nodding. "Yoshimura-no-okaa-san. Furukawa Ayano. It's an honour to finally meet you. I've heard so many good things about you from Ayumi-chan."

"We've heard a lot about you too," Ayumi-chan's father said. "Our daughter never brought any of her friends to meet us before, you must mean a lot to her."

"I can only hope so," I said with a smile. "And yes, before I forget, this is my boyfriend, Euan Caird."

"Ah," the young man muttered, in a rather abashed manner. "Good evening."

"Well, please sit down," Ayumi-chan said, inviting us to the table.

I sat beside Ayumi-chan, while my boyfriend sat opposite me, on the chair beside Mrs Yoshimura.

"I hope the two of you find this place palatable," the middle aged man seated at the head of the table addressed Euan and I, with the polite formality of a dignified host. "If you need anything don't be afraid to tell us."

"No, thank you," I replied. "It's a really nice place. Bigger than any other house I've ever been to."

"I'm pretty sure Ayumi have shown the both of you around haven't she?" the man's wife interjected, a warm smile on her thin lips.

Mrs Yoshimura sat with her back straight, her delicate hands clasped in front of her, just below her bosom. I could see where Ayumi-chan got her poise and refinement from.

"Y-Yes," Euan muttered, his cheeks slightly red as he tried to ease himself into the table of strangers. "The main house is pretty astonishing."

"My grandfather spent all that money decorating and adorning this house only for us to come here once in a while," Mr Yoshimura laughed. "What a shame."

I smiled and nodded, while Euan laughed uncomfortably.

We spent a few minutes exchanging pleasantries, talking about the garden and the estate. Mrs Yoshimura told us that when we had the chance, we should go and visit the lake in the forest just beyond the estate.

"I was thinking of bringing them there tomorrow on a hike," Ayumi-chan said, before turning to look at us. "Is that alright with the both of you?"

"Of course," I replied with a smile.

"You're lucky you both came here in spring," the young woman's father chimed in. "You can hike around the foothills and enjoy the view of the lake since it's not too hot."

"I'll tell the chef to prepare some packed lunches for you tomorrow," the man's wife said. "It's not a hike without a picnic by the lake. The nature around these hills are a great thing to be around."

"Thank you so much," I replied.

It was then when I heard someone at the doorway. I turned my head and there he was, decked out in a black cardigan and khaki skinny jeans. Underneath his cardigan the collar of his white shirt peeked out, forming a nice contrast.

"Sorry that I'm late," the young man said. "I had a call to take."

"It's been a while Kashiwagi-kun," Mrs Yoshimura greeted him. "How are your parents?"

Oh, right. I had forgotten that Jarrett knew these people. It was how he even met Ayumi-chan in the first place, at some evening dinner party they had the previous year. The Yoshimuras sure did enjoy entertaining. I guess when you're part of the upper strata of society, entertaining guests and hosting parties are just part and parcel of being a new age aristocrat. And here I was, with a growing worry in my heart that Jarrett would leave a bad impression on Ayumi-chan's parents.

"I hope dinner hasn't started yet," the young man said as he settled comfortably into the only seat left, the one at the vacant head of the table –right beside Euan and I.

Seeing him so comfortable like that irritated me slightly. Here I was worrying about him, when I didn't have to.

"Don't you worry about that young man," Ayumi-chan's father said. "We've only just settled down."

The appetizer for that night was a parmesan panna cotta with seasoned baby octopus. The savoury taste of the soft panna cotta went well with the sweet and chewy mollusc. I had to admit, I had never seen anything like it before. I guess it was what rich people ate.

"This is really good," I said.

"Our chef never fails to surprise us too," Mr Yoshimura complimented. "He's really talented."

I wasn't used to such dinner parties, but at least I managed to hold a conversation. As I talked about some interesting things I knew about my studies in French when Mrs Yoshimura mentioned about the last summer that they spent at their chateau there, I could notice in the corner of my eye that Euan seemed to be pretty quiet and uncomfortable.

"Oh, Euan here just had a nice trip across Europe a few weeks ago," I said, trying to reign him into the conversation in my hopes of helping him feel less awkward at the table. "I'm pretty sure it must have been interesting."

"Well do tell us," Ayui-chan said.

All heads at the table turned to him.

"Well," the young man began, stealing a quick glance at me which almost went unnoticed. "It was nice I guess. I went to a few countries in Europe, since I was already in Scotland. Thought I might as well take some time off and explore by myself."

"What were you doing in Scotland?" Mrs Yoshimura asked.

"Ah, I'm from there actually," the young man explained.

"Which part of Scotland?" she continued. "We've been to Edinburgh and the Highlands, and it was really pretty. The landscape was amazing and untouched."

"I'm from Glasgow," he replied, his lilt slightly showing. "It's a nice place, I guess."

"Maybe we'll go visit next time," the youthful middle-aged woman said. "Are there any places in Glasgow that's particularly interesting?"

"Well, the cathedral is rather pretty," the young man replied. "And there's the national park nearby, just outside the city. The loch is a nice place to see."

"We'll keep that in mind," the older man said, before changing the topic to a recent book he's read.

The main course for that night was cod drizzled with a mild lime sauce, placed delicately on top of roasted asparagus and ostrich ferns. The fish was fresh and flaky, while the ostrich ferns' mild flavour provided a nice backdrop for the slightly acidic lime sauce. The dinner table conversation went on all the while as I ate, with me only talking when spoken to, otherwise I just smiled and nodded to appear as if I was interested, when the truth was I was most likely lost and unable to comprehend what they were talking about. Euan seemed to be in the same boat as I, more focused on the food than anything else, but Jarrett seemed to be rather comfortable, talking and laughing as the conversation went on. I suppose it was because he knew them, or maybe it was just his gregarious side coming out again.

Dessert was a small mousse-based pistachio cake, topped with a macaron. Once dinner was over, the Yoshimura couple excused themselves, saying that they have to make preparations for the party, leaving only the four of us in the dining room.

"The both of you should have come riding with us just now," Ayumi-chan said, breaking the silence. "It was quite fun."

I only smiled and nodded. Jarrett merely grunted. Euan was looking around at the walls. Wow, our dynamic as a group could sure use some work. I guess it was more comfortable when it was just the three of us, but now that Euan was there, it almost felt like the longstanding harmony had been disrupted. Not saying that it was a bad thing, but things were just not the same. And they never will be.

"You'd be sure to come with us won't you?" Ayumi-chan once again spoke. "It'll just be the four of us, don't worry about it too much."

"Sure, we'll do," I answered with a smile.

"Oh yes," the young woman said, standing up. "I promised my mother to help pack some gifts. I'll see you all tomorrow."

The young woman stood up, pushing her chair in, when suddenly Euan called out to her.

"I'm sorry," he said, his lilt fully audible now. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Well it's down the hallway," the young woman replied. "It's fine, I'll show you. Just come with me."

Euan only smiled sheepishly as he stood up, before following Ayumi-chan down the hallway and disappearing altogether. Leaving me there all alone.

Alone with Jarrett.

Our gaze briefly met, his deep brown eyes looking directly at me. I quickly averted my gaze, feeling a warmth flush to my cheeks. Maybe it was best if I just waited for Euan at the cottage. Even if he couldn't find me here, he'll just return to the cottage anyway. I just didn't want to be here with Jarrett, and a growing bleeding wound began to seep blood into my chest, the swollen, bruised feeling seizing my bosom.

Without saying a word, I stood up, turning around. Yet, as I tried to run, what I was afraid of facing the most only came chasing and dragging me down in the end. I can't escape it. It was a tangle I wove myself, and like a helpless insect stuck on the suffocating silk of a spider's web, the jaws of death only gnawed closer and closer. It was a certainty, yet I never wanted to think about it.

I felt his firm grip on my wrist, stopping me dead in my tracks.

"Don't go," he said.

"I think I should," I replied, but his hand still held on to my wrist.

"I just thought we could spend some time together while we had the chance," came his reply.

Letting out a shallow sigh, I returned to the seat. He looked me square in the eye, before leaning back into his seat. I kept silent, not knowing what to say. My heart thumped in my chest.

Had I not made it clear that I didn't want to be with him? Did I not make it clear that I thought it was wrong? That I could never betray my best friend like that.

"You're with that Euan guy now, right?" he asked, breaking the awkward silence. "I saw the way you looked at him today and thought that, maybe he's the right one for you."

"Thanks," I muttered. "I'm trying to make things work. For all of us."

"What do you mean?" the young man asked, a perplexed expression on his face.

"Well not just the both of us," I said. "You know how much I wanted to set things right. I've been selfish before, and it doesn't end well for anybody. What is happiness when I backstabbed someone to achieve it?"

"So what you're telling me is that," the young man said, letting out a deep sigh. "He's not your first choice?"

"Well then we're both in the same boat then, don't you think?" I said with a slight smile. "Maybe tomorrow at the hike we can finally sort things out."

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he said, with a slight chuckle, before getting up. "I should go, don't want your boyfriend seeing us together."

He was about to walk away, but what he did next took even the most cautious part of me by surprise. In the corner of my eye, I noticed him hesitate for a while, standing there, but before I knew it, I could feel the heat from his body as he pressed his lips against my right cheek. His lips were slightly damp, and some of his smooth, slightly wavy hair caressed against my skin.

As his lips parted from my cheek as quickly as they came, I could feel the blood rush to my cheeks. My heart was in my throat, my pulse throbbing in my neck. When I turned to look at him, he was standing in the doorway.

The soft lips that had kissed me earlier curl up into a small smile, while his white cheeks glowed a light shade of pink.

As he wished me goodnight and left, I held my palm up to my cheek, up to the spot on my cheek where his lips had landed. As my heart thumped in my chest, I didn't know how to feel.

)3r8y