Origami Girl

Chapter 44: Sorekara

"All you do is think. Because all you do is think, you've constructed two separate worlds—one inside your head and one outside. Just the fact that you tolerate this enormous dissonance—why, that's a great intangible failure already."

― Sōseki Natsume, Sorekara

It has been a while since I met Euan, yet I couldn't stop thinking of his sky blue eyes. Or his rugged scruff on his face, or the lilt in the way he spoke. It also has been a while since I last heard from him, I saw him once or twice around campus, but he always seemed to be in a rush or something. We only managed to exchange 'hi's and 'bye's. I didn't want to disturb him, so I just left him be. Even then, it was quite some time since I last saw him, two, three weeks perhaps? Despite being able to hit it off quite nicely after our second meeting, exchanging messages quite often, the past two weeks I have been met by radio silence. I never pressed on messaging him after I noticed that he had ignored my last. I didn't want to think about it, perhaps it just wasn't meant to be. Perhaps what we had between us, or rather, what I thought was between us, was just my yearning need for intimate companionship, and nothing more.

The snow covering the streets had begun to melt away, and the first grasses of spring had begun to spring from the bare earth. I always liked seeing them, those green sprouts of fresh green as they made their way towards the sun, in the midst of the dissipating snow. Despite how winter always seemed dead and desolate, the grasses seem to find a way to blossom the following spring. I guess that's a fact of life I guess. Just like autumn, with the colourful dying leaves falling to the earth, there was equal beauty in death as there is in life. The skies were clear and cloudless, a hue of bright blue. Just like the young man's eyes.

Was it me? I thought to myself. Perhaps it was. Perhaps I wasn't interesting enough, and maybe when he said that I was, he was just being polite. Perhaps I wasn't pretty enough, and maybe I should have put on more makeup, then I might have been more appealing. Perhaps I was too forward on our first meeting, and maybe I should have been more reserved and stoic, just like how I was expected to be. The list of reasons ran through my head, but it all added up to one thing. I wasn't good enough.

Ayumi-chan seemed to have noticed me, brooding over my miserable life as I typed away on my laptop at the dining table, mindlessly working on an assignment that was due in a few days. As I continued mashing away at my keyboard, clicking away at the word prediction to find more complicated kanji to make it look as if I was smart, I heard a soft clink beside me. I looked up, and saw a mug beside me, with Ayumi-chan standing behind me.

"What's this?" I asked, turning around.

"Hot chocolate," the young woman replied. "Thought I'd make you some."

"Thank you," I muttered. "But you didn't have to."

"You looked like you needed one," she said as she sat down on the chair opposite mine. "You seem a bit troubled. Thinking about your ex-boyfriend again?"

"No, it's not that," I muttered before picking up the mug and taking a sip from the hot chocolate. "It's about me. I think there's something horribly wrong with me that puts people off. Maybe my boyfriend before this killed himself because he couldn't stand me, maybe Shuuya-kun beat me because he couldn't stand me. I'm sickening, you know? It must be tiring to be with me."

"Hey now," the young woman said. "Stop talking like that. It wasn't your fault. There's nothing wrong with you."

"It's been two weeks since I last heard from Euan," I said to her. "Do you think he's just not interested anymore?"

"He could be busy," Ayumi-chan said. "Don't beat yourself over it. Besides, even if he isn't interested anymore I'm sure there are many more people out there."

"I also haven't seen him on campus anywhere," I told her. "Now that you've mentioned it perhaps something did happen."

A small sliver of worry began to slither into my heavy heart.

"Don't worry so much," the young woman said. "He's probably really busy with something. Probably."

"I don't know," I replied, still a bit worried. "I just think something happened. I just hope he's fine."

"I guess we can just hope for the best," Ayumi-chan replied.

After a while, I finished whatever I was doing and saved it, before shutting my laptop down. Ayumi-chan went out to pick up some groceries. She did ask me if I wanted to follow along, but I wasn't really in the mood to go anywhere. It was one of those lazy Sundays. I usually would spend times like those surfing the internet or watching videos, but that afternoon I decided to read one of Ayumi-chan's novels that she had on her shelf. She told me before that I could just read anything I wanted without having to ask her first, so I appreciated that. She does have a plethora of novels that I found enjoyable.

Taking out Norwegian Wood from the shelf, I retreated to the sofa and lay back against the cushions. I had made myself a cup of warm tea as I snuggled with the book in my hoodie. I guess it was the small things like these that made life worth it. Being alone in a quiet room, enjoying a novel alongside some warm tea, with no one to disturb me. Jarrett was either at his place, or at work. Ever since I moved in he rarely stopped by anymore. He does on occasion, and slept over once or twice, but he never came over as much as he used to. It was however, Ayumi-chan who began to frequent his apartment more and more, leaving the apartment all to myself, which I didn't mind. The kitchen was always well-stocked and the books and my assignments kept me busy.

The quiet really gave me time to reflect. The young woman from the book really reminded me of Yukino, how she never really knew how to express herself, how the words that made it past her lips came off as awkward and slightly bizarre, how incredibly lonely she was. But the most striking was how she hung herself to death. Just like my mellow field of pure snow. It's been a year, but the soft, stinging pain of his loss was still there, tucked away in a corner of my heart. Sure, life goes on, but time froze for my sweet Yukino. He was just a pile of white ash and bone now, I told myself, frozen, unmoving. Forever.

I put the book aside and sipped on my tea. It was plain green tea, unsweetened. Just the way I liked it. Just the way Yukino hated it. Just the way Euan couldn't comprehend my love for it. Those two, they seemed like polar opposites. One was a young man dwelling on the past, which eventually consumed him, while the other seemed to have a clear plan in mind for the future, planning and taking control of his life.

In the serene silence, I thought about Shuuya-kun. It has been quite a long time since I last saw him. I never returned again to the house, I called my mother back in Hakodate to tell her I wouldn't be living with my aunt anymore. They asked me why I would do that. I only told them I just wanted my own space. Shuuya-kun was, in a way, quite a bit like Yukino, perhaps that explained why I put up with him and how he treated me. Because I yearned for the boy who was long gone, the boy I could never have. I suppose it had finally dawned upon me that I had to move on, that I had to start anew. That I had to come to terms with my loss, and to accept that Yukino will never be coming back.

I still remember meeting Kurosaki-san the a few days after the incident at the restaurant.

"I was the one who called the ambulance," I had said to him as we stood there in the hallway.

I had stumbled upon him after my lecture, and decided to ask him to recount what happened. His face was bruised slightly, but it wasn't visible unless you knew where to look.

"Oh," the young man replied, a slightly perplexed expression drawn across his face. "How did you know I was in the bathroom?"

It was then when I saw the realisation creep up onto his face.

"You were with Tanokura-san?" the young man asked.

"I was, indeed, with him that evening," I aid to the young man. "I'm sorry about what he did. I'm sure if you want to press assault charges you have all the right to do so. It's well within your right to claim damages."

"No," the young man replied. "It's fine, really. You know him?"

"Yeah," I muttered under my breath, rather abashed. "He's my cousin."

I withheld the fact that we had a relationship. Not like it mattered, it was all over now. Besides, Kurosaki-san didn't really need to know, it was just an unimportant detail.

"Oh," the young man replied. "Actually, I kind of knew him, from high school. I did some things I regret and yeah. . ."

"I see," I muttered, slightly confused. "Actually, I have to be at another lecture in ten minutes, do you mind walking with me?"

"Oh sure, sure," Kurosaki-san replied, nodding his head a little bit awkwardly. "Where are you heading?"

"Just down the street," I replied. "Not too far actually."

The young man agreed, and we both set out of the building.

"You knew my cousin from school?" I asked the young man as the sliding doors opened. "Were you on the baseball team?"

"Yeah, yeah," the young man agreed rather sheepishly. "Um, we treated him pretty badly, even though we knew we shouldn't. Even though we knew we shouldn't push him. I've said some cruel things which I wish I could take back, but you know, I can't. That's why I just think I deserve being punched to the point of blacking out."

"What happened exactly?" I asked him as we walked down the avenue. "Back in high school I mean."

"Well, you see, I'm sure you know your cousin wasn't the most sociable, and he didn't really have any friends, and you know, us being cruel just decided to pick on him," Kurosaki-san said. "We did all kinds of things to him, excluding him in club activities, trying to make his life miserable, insulting him. I especially regret all the things I've said about his dad, it was really shameful of me to even be thinking about them. But what am I to do? The words already escaped my lips."

"So he saw you yesterday in the bathroom and punched you immediately?" I questioned, trying to put the pieces together.

"No, he seemed kind of shocked at first," Kurosaki-san replied. "Well, it went kind of awkwardly at first, of course, and I tried to apologise, but I didn't really get far."

"I'm sorry," I said to him. "Shuuya-kun has some. . .issues, he's rather prone to violent outbursts sometimes.

"No you don't have to be," the young man replied. "Like I said, I totally deserve it."

"At least I'm glad you apologised to him," I said. "I'm sure he'd appreciate that. At least I do."

"I just hope he's okay after what we've been putting him through," he said.

"Were you there when he knocked one of you with a baseball bat?" I asked. "He told me that story before."

"Yeah, he got pretty violent near the end of the year," Kurosaki-san replied as we walked up to the steps of the languages faculty. "But I guess in hindsight he had all the right to do so."

With that, we parted ways and I attended my lecture faithfully.

As I sat there in the empty living room, I was shaken from my thoughts by the sound of the main door opening. Ayumi-chan came home, holding a bag of groceries in her arms.

"You're back so soon?" I asked, slightly surprised.

"You know I'm pretty efficient when it comes to grocery shopping," the young woman replied. "Time is of the essence."

"You could've just asked me to go, you know?" I said. "It's not like I have anything else to do."

"I don't like troubling others," the young woman laughed as she unpacked the groceries in the kitchen.

I walked over to help her.

"So," I began, as I placed a head of cabbage into the fridge. "How are things between you and. . .Kashiwagi-kun?"

I was relieved that I didn't let his first name slip off my tongue. The name that I was so used to calling him when he was with me. But whatever we had between us, I killed it the evening I walked out of his apartment. Yet, was it still there, somewhere deep in my heart? I don't know, and I didn't want to know.

"Well it's been fine I guess," the young woman replied. "Why do you ask?"

"It's just that he doesn't seem to be stopping by here so often," I said to her.

"Ah, it's nothing of the sort," Ayumi-chan replied as she stored a carton of orange juice into the refrigerator. "It's just that since you're living here now, he thought he'd give you some privacy. He said he didn't want to be all intruding into your personal space with his presence. I think that's fair, so I'm the one who usually goes to his house now."

Great, I thought to myself. He's avoiding me. At least it saves me from confronting these conflicting feelings in my heart. I was sure he felt the same. I was grateful though, that he chose to do the right thing. For his own sake, for Ayumi-chan's sake. For my own sake.

"I haven't been seeing him much around campus," I said. "He must be busy."

"He sure is," the young woman replied. "But spring break is coming so I'm sure you'll get to see him again soon."

Talking about the spring break, there was still the issue of the Yoshimura garden party in Asahikawa.

"Also," I began. "About the party. . . Are you sure you want me to come? I mean, I don't think I'll fit in with everyone else. I don't think I even have anything decent to wear. Besides, it's a themed party right?"

"Of course," the young woman said. "I want you to come along. And don't preoccupy yourself so much with the costume and fitting in and everything. I know a kimono rental store in Asahikawa, I'm sure you'll be able to find something you fancy there."

"It's a Meiji-Taisho theme right?" I clarified.

"Yeah it is," Ayumi-chan answered. "But of course, I don't mean to limit you to just kimono, there's also some vintage dresses that you might want to try out-"

"It's alright," I cut her short, rather sheepishly. "I think a kimono is fine. I'm sure I can fork out enough to rent it for a day or two."

"Don't you worry about that," she replied. "You're my guest, I'll take care of that for you. And don't you worry about the hair too, that'll be on me too."

"At least let me pay for something," I offered. "You're making me feel bad. I mean, you've already taken me into your home free of charge, it isn't fair."

"Well if it makes you feel better," the young woman replied. "The hairdresser will come to the estate to do my hair as well as my mother's, so you might as well have your hair done with us too. It's nothing out of the way."

I guess that helped me feel a little better.

I couldn't help but feel a little excited for the garden party. It was to be held at the Yoshimura estate nestled in the foothills. Ayumi-chan had shown me some photographs of it on her phone, and from what I could tell, there was also a lake nearby, surrounded by lush forest. I guess it wouldn't be a bad place to take in the scenery. Even if we were to go there, Ayumi-chan said, we'd probably be staying there for a few days or so, so I guess there'd be some time to enjoy nature in its pristine beauty. It certainly has been a while since I've been to the countryside. The change of air would clearly do me some good, after how challenging the past few months have been. It certainly had been a rough ride. It'd be great if I got to unwind and relax a little.

Yet there was still that worry deep in my heart. Jarrett was going to be there. Ayumi-chan would certainly be busy with guests and managing the party, and I was scared that'd just leave the young man and I. I was afraid that my heart could not take it. Despite my best efforts, I knew somewhere deep in my heart, a part of me still clung on to him, clinging on to the fact that perhaps one day we could be together, that whatever it was that we had –that it was love, it was love blooming directly from my heart. I was afraid that in such a moment, and with him with me, that I might just throw all loyalty, all morality, all of what that was good out of the window, and follow the whims of my deepest desires. No, I couldn't bear to think of it. He knew what I felt for him still, and with that I was afraid. I was afraid, that by the merest pull of a heartstring, this fragile harmonious balance between the three of us would just shatter into a thousand sharp glass shards.

I keep telling myself that I can never bring myself to be so selfish ever again, but was that out of a genuine desire to be moral, or was it just out of guilt? The guilt of seeing with my own eyes what my own selfish actions could bring? Was it selfish to wish that I wouldn't be hurt by my own selfishness again? Because it the end it was just about me, it had always been. My fear of being hurt again. My fear of tearing apart this friendship with Ayumi-chan. My fear of heading down a path with no return.

No, no, I told myself. I was doing it for Ayumi-chan's own good. I was doing it for Jarrett's own good. I was doing it for what is right. This wasn't for me, it had never been. If it truly was for me then why would I hurt myself by letting Jarrett go? No, I convinced myself. I wasn't being selfish this time. For once it wasn't about me anymore. I was selfless. Selfless.

Ayumi-chan was on the phone with Jarrett. There she was seated at the edge of the sofa, her smile radiant from her beautiful lips. Her voice sweet and regal, her eyes bright like the golden rays of the afternoon sun streaming into the living room. She was happy. How could I take that happiness away from her? But the lingering doubt still loitered in my mind. Did I not want to do it because I genuinely wanted to not destroy her happiness, or was it because I wanted to not feel guilty if I had done so?

Sometimes I tried to think what would Yukino do if he were me. I guess it's a way for me to try to cope with everything, but in situations like these, I honestly didn't know what the boy would've done. He had a choice, between Kameko and I, yet he still chose me. But yet at the very end, given a choice of life and death, he chose the latter. To this day I still tried to understand, I still tried to comprehend. He never left me a clue to why he did it. But he certainly would have wanted me to move on. He certainly wouldn't have wanted to see me sad. Probably he felt like he was always disappointing me, that I was too good for him. That he didn't deserve me. But that was wrong. I was the one who didn't deserve him. I just hoped he was finally at peace. The peace that he had always long for, the tranquillity that he truly deserved.

Ayumi-chan told me that she was going to Jarrett's place that night, just like the many times before, leaving the spacious apartment all to myself. In the quiet evening, I stretched myself on the sofa, flipped open my laptop and intended to watch some videos, when my phone rang. I quickly picked it up, without even checking the Caller ID. It's probably Ayumi-chan, I thought. She probably forgot something.

"Did you forget something?" I asked into the phone, expecting the young woman's voice to be on the other end of the line.

But it wasn't. I couldn't have been further from the truth.

"Hey," a young man's voice called out to me. "This is Furukawa-san, right?"

There was no mistake, his smooth voice and the lilt in the way he talked gave it away immediately.

"Euan," I replied, flustered. "It's been a while."

"Yeah," the young man sighed from the other end. "I've been meaning to call you but I've been really preoccupied as of late. Some things happened."

Deep in my heart, I felt the relief flood all of its hollow chambers. So it wasn't that he had lost interest in me. I suppose I may have been overthinking certain things.

"I haven't seen you in campus for weeks," I voiced out my concern. "Where are you now?"

"Haneda," he told me, his voice cracking slightly. "I've just arrived. I just wanted to let you know."

I couldn't help but feel my lips curl up into a smile as I heard those words spoken in that sweet melodious lilt of his.

"Where have you been?" I asked. "I was pretty worried when you didn't contact me."

I didn't tell him the whole truth about my worry, lest I sounded too selfish and self-absorbed. That I was worried if he no longer had any interest in me. By the sound of his haggard voice, I don't think he has had such a whale of a time.

"I'll tell you when we meet," Euan replied. "I'm waiting for my connecting flight to Sapporo, so we'll be able to see each other soon."

"Do you want me to meet you at the airport?" I asked, out of the blue.

I immediately felt the embarrassment trailing behind, my heart thumping in my chest. I've only met him twice, I personally don't think it was appropriate. I didn't want to give him the idea that I was desperate.

"I don't want to trouble you," the young man said. "But I'd love to see you again. It's been a while."

I gulped, yet at the same time, I was rather relieved. I was glad he didn't take it the wrong way. He seemed pretty eager to see me again, just as I was.

"My flight is in an hour," the young man said with a slight, exhausted chuckle. "I'll send you my flight details soon. But you don't have to, you know? It's really late."

"It's fine, really," I said to him. "I don't really have anything to do actually."

There was a short silence between us, but there was a smile perched on my lips. It wasn't an awkward silence, I just found comfort that there he was, at the other end of the phone. Just by him being there. It was a warm feeling.

"So, how have you been?" the young man asked, breaking the silence. "I hope you're doing well."

"Things have been getting better," I assured him. "I'm recuperating, I guess."

"Me too, I guess," came the young man's reply.

Yet before I could reply, he cut the conversation short, and we said our goodbyes. A few moments later he sent me his flight details. He was to arrive at New Chitose Airport at around half past ten. I immediately went to my wardrobe and picked out my outfit, my heart beating in anticipation. It took me a while for me to choose my outfit, given that so many thoughts came crashing into my head like the waves hitting the shore. My mind would go in all sorts of directions. Would he like that colour? Does the dress seem too formal? Is it something someone would wear to welcome someone from the airport? Indeed, my habit of overthinking things just made what would have been a simple activity into a complicated logic puzzle. In the end, I settled for a beige dress with a dainty white collar, and a maroon knee-length coat. Having ironed them, and seeing that I had some time left, I went to surf the internet to kill the time and calm my nerves, as well as inform Ayumi-chan about my plans.

Yet as I sat there, I couldn't help but think of the young man's words on the phone. The words that stuck to me, clinging onto the weak muscles of my heart. What did he mean by 'he was recuperating'? It certainly sounded like something bad had happened. I couldn't help but grow worried.

The tightening worry in my chest never ceased to haunt me, even as I did my hair. I finally decided to do something different this time, pinning my hair down into a faux bob, letting a few stray strands fall onto my shoulders. I put on a redder shade of lipstick on my lips, something I thought I'd try. After doing my lashes and blush, I looked at the girl in the mirror.

I don't know why, but that evening felt like a new beginning for me. Putting on my coat and grabbing my bag, I left the apartment at around 8 that evening. I also don't know why I left to meet a man I barely knew in the middle of the night, without thinking of whatever subtle implications it had. I was just in a bad place, I guess.

The journey by train took about an hour, and I spent my time waiting in front of the arrival hall. There weren't many people around, and I just soaked in the quiet, wide berths and halls. There were a few travellers, pulling around their luggage. There weren't really many people though, most of the flights arriving at the time being domestic.

It was a while before I saw him walking out of the sliding glass doors. Pulling his luggage bag, he also straddled a haversack over his right shoulder.

I immediately got up from my seat and walked up to him. He saw me approach, and our eyes met, gazing at me with his sky blue eyes. His reddish hair was ruffled, his face unshaved. He wore an olive jacket and black corduroys.

"It's a welcome sight don't you think?" he said to me as I approached. "I've never gotten a welcome party here in Japan before. Not used to have someone waiting for me."

"Well, there's always the first time," I giggled.

The young man smiled in return, but I could see the exhaustion in his eyes. Maybe it was the jet lag, but I had a feeling it was something more than that. But I didn't want to poke around, besides, he had only just arrived.

"Where have you been these past weeks?" I asked him as we headed to the train platform to catch a train back into the city.

"I've been to a few places," the young man said. "Been travelling, had to clear my head."

"Well, did it work?" I asked.

"I don't know," came the young man's mellow reply.

I had my suspicions, but his behaviour that evening confirmed it I supposed. That he was indeed facing something bad, so much so that he needed to leave the city. I wondered what it was, yet I didn't want to ask him. I didn't want to poke my nose into things I don't consider to be in my area of concern. If he wanted to talk to me, fine, that'd be great, but I wasn't going to push him. He was a grown man anyway, he probably knows how to handle himself.

"So, you're heading home after this?" the young man asked as we sat beside each other on the citybound train. "Or do you have plans?"

"No, I guess I'll head back immediately," I said to him. "It's not like I have places to be at in the middle of the night."

"So you headed out to the airport just to pick me up?" the man said, raising his eyebrow. "That's really sweet."

He turned to look at me with those sky blue eyes, and our gazes met. Listening to his compliment, I couldn't help but feel a warmth rush to my cheeks. Trying to be discreet, I looked away.

"It's nothing much, really," I told him. "I just thought it'd be nice to see you again. It's been so long since we've met."

That was when the young man reached for something in his pocket, and the smile on his face vanished. I saw his eyes widening as he rummaged through his haversack, looking for something frantically.

"What's wrong?" I asked, as a few other passengers began to eyeball the young man searching hid bag in such a frantic manner. "Did you lose anything?"

"My keys," he said as he looked up at me, his mouth wide open. "I think I might have lost them."

"Are you sure?" I questioned. "Maybe it's your bag somewhere, maybe you misplaced it in your luggage or something. Why don't you try to remember where you last placed it?"

The young man continued to look through his bag for a few more minutes, and I looked over his shoulder, as if it was going to help. But all of a sudden he stopped, and turned around to look at me.

"I think I might've left it at home," the young man replied. "Back in Scotland."

"Well do you have any spare keys?" I asked.

"I did leave a set of keys with the family next door," Euan said, nodding slightly. "But it's already so late, I don't want to disturb them now. They're probably already asleep."

"So what are you going to do?" I voiced out my concern. "You'll be locked out until tomorrow."

"I guess I can go book in at a cheap hotel somewhere," came his answer. "I do have some cash left."

I fell silent. I almost wanted to offer him to stay the night at the apartment, but I didn't want to make it sound like I wanted to sleep with him. Besides, it wasn't my apartment in the first place. Yet I couldn't resist the offer to spend some more time with the young Scotsman.

I took out my phone and rang for Ayumi-chan. I knew she was probably still up, since she rarely slept in by eleven, and I was right. She picked up after a while.

What is it Ayano-chan?" she asked me as soon as she picked up.

"I'm sorry to disturb you so late," I said. "But I have something to ask from you."

"Well what is it?" the young woman questioned. "But yeah I'm free right now."

"It's about Euan," I blurted out. "I was wondering if he could stay over tonight."

"You know, you don't have to," Euan cut in, but I only smiled and continued to wait for Ayumi-chan's reply.

There was a short silence coming from her end of the line. I could almost see her raise her eyebrow.

"It's nothing like that," I blurted out instinctively. "He left his keys in Scotland, and he doesn't want to disturb his neighbours for the spare keys, so I thought it'd be nice if I could let him stay for a while."

"Sure," the young woman replied, with a slight giggle. "Don't worry, I know you're not the type to do those kinds of things. Even if you did, I don't care."

"Well thanks for letting him stay over," I muttered.

"It's no big deal really," came her reply.

After the call ended, I looked at the young man beside me. He had a sheepish grin on his face, his pale cheeks a rosy pink.

"You can stay over at the apartment," I said to him, just out of formality, since it was obvious to me that he was listening.

"I'm sorry for the trouble," the young man muttered. "You really didn't have to."

"It's fine," I replied. "What use am I if I can't help?"

We were silent for the rest of the journey. I didn't want to disturb him, given how his sky blue eyes seemed to wander so far away into the distance. Exhaustion wore itself all over his expression. It wasn't just the weariness of the journey, it was something more.

Alighting at Odori Station, we walked to the condominium. I opened the gate for him with my keycard, and the young man lugged his bag along. Reaching the apartment, I unlocked the door with my keys.

"Well," I said as I stepped inside. "Make yourself at home, I guess."

I took off my coat and placed it on the rack, before slipping my shoes off.

"You know," I said as the young man knelt down, untying his hiking boots. "I can get your luggage bag inside."

"No, no," the young man replied, slightly flustered, placing his hand over the handle of the bag. "I can handle myself."

"Do you want anything to eat?" I asked. "I can cook something for you if you'd like."

"Don't worry about it, I already ate," the young man replied, taking off his boots and placing them neatly to the side. "But thanks for the offer though."

"You must be really tired," I blurted out, my heart thumping in my chest. "Why don't you wait here, I'll prepare the bath."

"Sure," the young man muttered as he walked into the living room. "I'll just. . .stick around."

"Do you need any clothes?" I asked. "My friend's boyfriend stays here sometimes, and I can lend you some if you need it."

"I've brought my own," the young man answered with a nervous chuckle, his hand tapping his luggage bag. "Right here."

"Oh right," I replied, slightly embarrassed. "Well I'll just go ahead and prepare the bath."

I left him to himself and showered in Ayumi-chan's bathroom. I did so as fast as I could, just in case the young man needed anything. In my rush, I slipped on the nearest thing I could find, hanging from the rack behind the door: a pink silk chemise and robe set. The edges were lined with white lace. I guess I should've known better, but in my rush it just slipped my mind. It was never my intention to suggest anything.

I stepped out of Ayumi-chan's room and into the living room. The door of the main bathroom was still closed so I suppose Euan was still in there. The flight must have taken a toll on him, and I guess he deserves a long relaxing bath. I boiled some water and took out two sachets of earl grey tea from the cupboards, together with the container of sugar. I knew he probably wouldn't like plain green tea, his taste buds not accustomed to the bitter taste of the liquid which I had grown to love. But I didn't mind a good cup of sweetened earl grey. After a long, harrowing journey I thought he'd appreciate some hot tea, especially in this cold evening. Spring may be approaching, but the deathly grip of the winter was still clinging on tightly to every inch of the city.

I was contemplating serving some light supper for him, despite the young man's earlier protests as I placed the two teacups filled with piping hot tea on the coffee table. Then again, he must have had eaten on the flight here. Yet, airline food always tasted bland because of the air pressure, so I guess making something would be nice from him. It was nearing eleven, so I decided to make him a sandwich, just something light. Looking through the fridge, I wondered what to fill it with. What condiments would he fancy? Does turkey bacon taste good with mayonnaise? Should I toast the bread? Those were the questions that went through my mind as I stood there in Ayumi-chan's kitchen, fridge wide open, dressed in a chemise shrouded under a silk robe.

In the end, I toasted the bread and heated the slices of turkey bacon. Lathering the crisp bread with mayonnaise, I arranged the slices of meat together with some lettuce, before plating them neatly on the nicest plate I could find. Such was what I did at eleven at night, sleepiness already beginning to creep in, just for Euan. It was a pretty weird feeling.

As soon as I placed the plate on the coffee table, I heard the door to the bathroom open. I immediately looked up and saw the young man standing in the open doorway, head buried in the white towel as he dried his reddish curls. He finished rustling his hear and slung his towel over his shoulder.

I couldn't but help notice his pale cheeks turning a shade of pink. I gulped.

Shoving his hands into the pockets of his track pants, he walked up to me.

"Well, what have we got here?" he asked.

His eyes were directly fixated at the sandwiches on the table, deliberately averted from me. I felt a rush to my cheeks. Perhaps I did dress a little too carelessly.

"You know," I said, the embarrassment catching up in my throat. "I'm, I'm going to get changed. Sorry."

"N-No," I heard the young man stutter. "It's fine."

I looked up and found myself staring into his sky blue eyes. I noticed the young man biting his lower lip.

"Um," he finally began. "I just think you look really pretty in that. Yeah."

I only mustered a shy smile before slinking away. I thought of changing into a pair of pyjamas, but given that the young man seemed to be alright with it, I just kept the chemise and robe on, this time pinning the top together with a safety pin so as to not expose myself too much. Chastising myself for being so careless, I returned to the living room to the sight of the young Scotsman burying his face into the sandwich.

"Do you like it?" I asked as I took a seat in the armchair.

"Well it's great," he spoke as he chewed, not even waiting to swallow the food. "Thanks."

"Don't worry about it," I said as I picked up my tea cup. "It's not much."

"Tastes better than airline food," he complemented with a slight chuckle.

I only gave a small, shy smile as I brought the cup to my lips. As I sipped on the piping hot tea, I couldn't help but notice the crumbs on the young man's reddish beard as he ravenously dug into the sandwich. Euan seemed to notice me observing him, and almost immediately after our gazes met, he began to measure himself and ate more decently, his pale cheeks rosy. I didn't mind honestly, he certainly must've been hungry. He could have just told me that he was starving and I would easily have made him something more filling.

He looked up from his sandwich once more, probably to see if my eyes were still on him –which they were- when I motioned to my chin, wiping with my hand. The young man seemed a bit confused at first, but when he touched his chin, his cheeks went red, immediately wiping off the crumbs and mayonnaise from his beard with the back of his palm. I couldn't help but giggle at the young man's antics, and he returned it with a sheepish smile.

"So," I said, putting down my tea cup. "What made you just disappear all of a sudden?"

The young man put his sandwich down on his plate, and leaned back into the sofa. He seemed to have eased himself comfortably into his surroundings.

"Well how do I put it," Euan said. "I went back to Scotland for a while, then had some time off to yourself. Went to visit some places in Europe, then came back after a while."

"But why so suddenly?" I asked. "You just upped and disappeared."

The young man felt silent, before chuckling. Yet there was something, I could tell. The way his eyes averted mine, the nervousness in his voice, the fidgeting of his fingers. There surely was something going on.

"I uh," he finally began, sitting up straight. "I went back after finding out my brother died."

The both of us were silent for a while. The Euan who had been laughing and chuckling earlier had all but disappeared, his gaze staring into the far distance.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," I said to him. "I really am."

"I still can't believe that he's gone," Euan muttered, seemingly to no one in particular. "It's just so much to take in, and I thought that after a week of mourning and mulling about, travelling and seeing the sights that I could get over it. Oh how wrong I was, how dead wrong I was."

"The pain will still be there, no matter what you do," I began. "No matter how long it's been or how well you think you've gotten over it, somewhere in your heart the pain sticks and it never lets go. You'll never be able to let go. You just end up living with it, and the pain just gets more bearable. It's something a friend told me."

"I can't help but feel like it was absolutely my fault," the young man said, his voice wavering. "I could have done something. I could have been there. You know, I could have stopped him."

The young man's words seemed all too familiar to me. His guilt, his regret, they all reflected the echoes deep in my own heart.

"Forgive me for being so direct," I said. "And I'm sorry for being so direct, but if someone takes his own life, the pain will never go away. Ever. It sticks with you and you think to yourself of all the possibilities, and how you could've stopped them, how you could've saved them, how you could've been there for them. But the thing is you can't change anything."

"He was always there for me," the young man said, his voice breaking. "But I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most."

I only kept silent as the young man buried his face in his palms. Whimpers began to escape his pursed lips, and tears began to seep through the gaps between his fingers, dropping down onto his jeans, forming dark blooms. His shoulders jerked with every shallow gasp as he sobbed, he muttered something under his breath, but his words were muddled and heavy underneath all his crying.

I knew how he felt all too well. Without saying a word, I stood up from my seat and went up next to him. Gently I placed my small palm over his broad back as he whimpered. Without warning, he fell back into me, his head against my bosom. I could feel the cold tears dampening the silk robe. He shook and shivered slightly now and then, the emotion intensifying in him. I could only wrap my arms around his head and held him tightly as his tears continued to flow, his whimpers and hiccups the only sound to be heard.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered in his ear gently. "I'm so, so sorry."

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The next morning I woke up at six, earlier than usual to make sure I was up before Euan. The young man had cried himself to sleep in my arms, and I tucked him in, covering him with a blanket. My heart hurt just thinking about what he must have been going through, for it was all too close to home. It was almost like the scene at my house a year ago: Jarrett holding me close to his chest, my tears dampening his shirt.

A year. It has almost been a year.

Yet the pain was still in my heart. Of course, the pain never leaves, you just get used to it. It was now a mellow melancholy, a longing for times that had already slipped from my hands. A fragile memory of ephemeral times.

After placing the rice in the rice cooker, I headed to the living room to check on the young man. He was still sound asleep, his lips parted, snoring lightly. The blanket had been thrown off the sofa, I could only wonder how much he thrashed in his sleep. I covered him again, just like the night before. His face seemed so tranquil, a stark contrast from him when he fell asleep. I guess sleep was a blessing, allowing us to get a short break of peace from this ever-tumultuous world. I knew how painful it was to lose someone when you knew you could've done something. I knew all too well the helplessness, the regret. The pain was too close to my heart.

Breakfast was just something simple. I made some miso soup with tofu, and let it simmer in the pot. I brewed some coffee in the espresso machine while I scooped the rice into two bowls. I let out a deep sigh as I paced around the kitchen.

A year. It has almost been a year.

A year without his wry smile, a year without his gentle touch, a year without his warm, hazel eyes. I missed him, I really did. I had a year to think, to reflect, to find the answers that I needed. Yet the loss still left me feeling empty. Sure, the worst of the despair has passed over like a tide, but it left behind a gaping hole in my heart.

I placed the bowls of soup and rice on the table, and it was then when I noticed the blanket began to rustle. He must have awaken after all the noise I've been making. Perhaps I should have been more quiet.

"Good morning mister sleepyhead," I said as I walked up to him. "You surely slept like a baby last night."

The young man chuckled as he sat up. Our eyes met for a brief moment, and his pale cheeks turned a rosy hue of pink.

"I made breakfast," I said to him. "I hope you don't mind just miso and rice?"

"No, no," the young man stood up, placing the blanket aside. "It's fine really. Thanks so much for everything. You really didn't need to."

"It's not a big deal," I said. "How'd you like your coffee?"

"With milk please," he replied as he sat into his chair.

I returned from the kitchen with two cups of coffee. Black for me, and Euan's had milk added to it.

"Well um," the young man said as he picked up his pair of chopsticks. "Ittadakimas."

I only smiled as I cracked an egg over my rice. Euan did the same.

"I'm uh-" the young man began. "I'm sorry about yesterday. Didn't mean to cry on you like that. I'm really sorry."

"It's fine really," I said. "I understand how you feel. I know the feeling too well."

"What do you mean?"

I only gave a shy smile as I picked up my coffee.

"I hope you're feeling better," I said to the young man, looking directly into his sky blue eyes. "If there's anything, you know I'm here. I can listen to you if you need me."

The young man let out a deep sigh as he leaned back into his chair.

"I didn't think he could do such a thing to himself, you know?" Euan continued. "I never really understood. I guess I could've seen the signs, and now that he's gone, they're becoming all the more clear. . .but it's too late, don't you think?"

"We grow wiser when we look at things in retrospect," I said. "But it's unfair to criticise ourselves when we're in the situation itself. We didn't know. We didn't have any control."

"I guess you're right," Euan said picking up his cup. "But I just can't help feeling this way. Spent my whole time travelling in a daze, thought I could distract myself with new experiences. Yeah, the sights, the smells, the sounds, they were all different, but inside, my heart stayed the same."

"Have I ever told you what happened to my boyfriend?" I said after a while.

"The one that you left?" the young man asked, placing his cup down with a slight clink.

"No, no," I interjected, shaking my head. "My boyfriend before that. Did I tell you what happened to him?"

"I don't think so," he replied, narrowing his eyes. "What happened?"

"Well about a year ago," I began. "On a winter day just like this, I found him hanging from a pipe. He killed himself."

I let out a deep sigh.

"It's been a year," I continued. "And of course it's been hard, and difficult. Always asking myself what if I was there for him, what if I arrived earlier, what if I hadn't been so selfish, then wouldn't he still be alive today, with me in flesh and blood instead of some distant memory locked away in some far, sad corner of my heart? Wouldn't it be better that way? But you see, we can't change anything, and you learn to slowly adjust to the new reality, a reality without that someone so dear to you, because you have to.

"When I first came here I was a wreck. I'd cry every now and then, thinking about him. Blaming myself for everything that has happened. Telling myself that I could've done something. Yearning to hold him in my arms again. But it's not possible, and I know that, but the mourning heart is something that can't be reasoned with. It's only natural for us to feel this way.

"But the rut won't last forever you see. With time the wounds would seal up and stop festering. The pain, the sadness, the grief, they'll all shrink until you might think that they're no longer there. But don't be fooled. They're still there. Just locked away in a hidden chamber of your heart, buried beneath the sheets. And you'll see their faces from time to time, in the things they loved, in the words they used to speak, in the clothes they used to wear, and the pangs will hit you again. They're not as severe, but they still hurt. This is the price we pay for surviving."

Euan was quiet for a while, his sky blue eyes looking blankly at the table in front of him.

"I'm really sorry for your loss," he finally said. "It's hard isn't it?"

"Truly," I replied, looking down at the table mimicking him unconsciously. "It is."

"My brother," the young man began, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "He was about six years older than me. He was always looking out for me, you know, like how older brothers always do. We used to love exploring the woods behind the house when we were younger. I always looked up to him, he was everything my little self wanted to be."

"He sounds like a nice elder sibling to have around," I said, flashing him a comforting smile. "He must have loved you very much."

"I loved him too," the young man said, playing with the tablecloth. "I just wish I was there with him and not half a globe away."

"It's not your fault, remember that," I told him.

"I'm not the proudest of his past few years, but it's my fault for being so far away," the young man said to me. "His life was falling apart and here I was just pursuing my dream selfishly."

Those words were all too familiar to me.

"He wasn't exactly the smartest, and you know, when your father is a professor at a prestigious university it's hard to live up to his expectations," the young man continued. "He's been struggling quite a lot, and he recently just lost his job. His marriage grew more strenuous, and he ended up having an affair with one of his ex-girlfriends. Wasted his money on alcohol and gambling. But what really made him snap was when one night in a drunken rage he beat Laura up, and my mother was the one who took her to the police. The only thing he lived for was his children, and they were going to be taken from him too when the court gets involved. So that night when my mother drove Laura to the police station, my brother smothered the children and he jumped off a bridge. He left a note, saying how sorry he was. The police searched for days, they couldn't find a body. Only his clothes."

The young man let out a deep sigh as he buried his face in his two broad palms. I was at a loss for words. It was just too heavy for me.

"I'm," I muttered, the words stuck at in my throat. "I'm just so sorry. How old were they? The children?"

"The oldest was five," Euan said, looking solemnly at his food. "The youngest three."

"You didn't tell me about the kids yesterday," I replied. "I mean I don't blame you, I'm sure your brother did it out of desperation. I didn't know them, I'm not going to judge."

"Laura was absolutely destroyed," Euan said, shaking his head. "I had to hold her during the funeral. I can't even imagine what she had to go through, seeing the little caskets of her own children being lowered into the grave.

"She keeps blaming herself. She said that if she had endured just a little longer she wouldn't have lost her children. She wouldn't have lost the man that she loved. Even after what he did, she still loved him, she forgave him. She said she should've tried harder to help. She's staying with her parents now, and I hope she's okay."

"That's such a terrible thing to go through," I muttered under my breath. "I can't even imagine."

"But that's fate, right?" the young man chuckled rather awkwardly. "It's strange. One moment you feel like you have everything you could ever imagine and in a split second everything comes crashing down. I've always counted myself lucky, being ever so fortunate, but I guess no one can escape the clutches of tragedy."

"That's the world we live in," I said as I finished up my coffee. "A tragic one."

"That it is," the young man said with a sigh.

"Yeah."

Euan offered to help me wash the dishes but I insisted on doing them on my own. I had an afternoon class that day, but I wanted to go to the campus early to gather some materials at the library. I asked Euan if he was alright with me leaving at eight, to which he said he was fine. He wasn't in any particular rush, he said, and that he too didn't want to disturb his neighbour too early to ask for his keys.

Just like the night before, I bathed in the master bath while Euan had the other bathroom. I put on a pair of ochre jeans and a long floral blouse. Drying my hair, I did it in a faux bob, just like the time I picked him up from the airport the previous day. I spent quite some time in the bathroom, staring into the mirror and meticulously layering my makeup.

I walked out and saw that the young man had changed into a fresh pair of jeans and a grey wool knit sweater. He was kneeling in front of his opened luggage bag, packing his things.

"You look really pretty today," he complimented me with a smile on his thin lips.

"Thank you," I muttered. "And I'm sorry for dragging you out so early. You must have been exhausted after all the travelling. Should've let you sleep in."

"And what? Lock me in when you go to campus?" the young man said with a slight chuckle. "Please, I've already caused enough trouble. And don't apologise, you did nothing wrong."

I could only smile.

"Oh, you know," I blurted out. "My friend is having some garden party at her estate for the spring break. I mean, I'm tagging along but she's going to be pretty busy with everything, and I guess I'm going to be pretty lonely."

"You're asking me to come along aren't you?" Euan said, a smile on his thin lips.

"Well, only if my friend agrees to it," I replied, trying to avert his statement.

"Your friend that owns this place?" the young man asked. "She must be pretty well-off."

"She likes to frame herself as the daughter of a factory owner," I replied as I walked over towards the young man, closing the space between us. "But in reality her family owns a conglomerate. But she's not the spoiled type, pretty down-to-earth actually."

"Well, I hope there's a space for one more," Euan said as he zipped his bag shut.

I couldn't help but smile.

"It's a themed party," I added. "This year it's the Taisho era, so try to look old-fashioned."

"I'm pretty sure I can find a vintage suit from a store," the young man said, dragging his bag to the door. "What are you going to wear?"

"Some old-fashioned kimono," I told him. "And I'd get my hair styled in an old-fashioned pompadour."

"I'm sure it'll look great on you," he said with a smile on his thin lips. "Anything looks great on you, especially a smile."

I couldn't help but feel my cheeks getting slightly warm. Was he flirting with me? I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. I only smiled as I put on my shoes.

By the time we left the condo, the sun was peeking from the horizon, bathing the entire city in a bright orange hue. A few birds flew overhead, specks of grey and black against the never ending canvas of blue. It was a beautiful morning late in winter, spring was just around the corner. The two of us were wrapped in our coats, walking down the pavement towards the station.

I didn't really know how to feel as I walked past the young man. He was smart, kind and sweet, and his looks weren't that bad. His red locks, his sky blue eyes, his scruffy beard adorning his squarish jaw. I knew Jarrett was jealous of him, but why was I even thinking of him then? Haven't I denied myself to him, and him to me? Why yearn for something that was forbidden and out of reach when there he was right in front of me?

Jarrett. Oh, Jarrett. I didn't know how to feel about him either. We rarely saw each other anymore, yet I couldn't help but remember the wonderful times we had together. Despite that each time I reminisced and a smile broke out on my lips, I remembered the treachery and how my actions reeked of selfishness. The guilt ate away at my heart.

There was a hole in my empty heart, and I felt like I had finally found someone who could fill it.

As we sat down beside each other on the train, I took out my wallet to check something, only to notice Yukino-kun's photo lodged there. I stopped for a moment, catching my breath as I looked at it. A year, a year since I last saw him. A year since his sweet voice caressed my ears. A year since he held me tightly by the still waters of the harbour. Here he was captured in that image, of him holding the guitar that he loved so much.

"Was that him?" I heard the young man say.

"You have a rather sharp eye," I remarked.

"Sorry," the young man said, flustered. "Didn't mean to be nosey. Couldn't help but notice."

"It's fine really," I replied. "And yes, that is him."

"Oh," Euan said, before taking out his phone.

I assumed nothing at first, thinking that perhaps he was just going to check something, until he showed me a picture. It was a picture of two young men. Euan was the one on the left, his arm on the shoulder of the man beside him, who was taller than him by a head.

"We took this when we went to fish together last year," Euan said. "God, I miss him so much."

He was a rather tall young man, his face well defined, his jaw chiselled. His dark hair was slightly messy, and he had rather sparse facial hair, contouring his jaw. His lips parted as he smiled wide, revealing his straight row of white teeth. Both the men's eyes were blue, but his were far more blue, and the gaze of his large eyes far deeper than Euan's. I couldn't help but stare into him, into the eyes of a dead man.

"What was his name?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper.

"Finlay," came his brother's voice, meek and almost silent.

Those large eyes never left me, even long after Euan and I parted. I couldn't help but see the deep blue storm brewing in Finlay's eyes.