Origami Girl

Chapter 42: Hanedanın Düşüşü II

"My springtime, my merry faced love, my daytime, my sweetheart, laughing leaf...

My plants, my sweet, my rose, the one only who does not distress me in this world...

My Constantinople, my Caraman, the earth of my Anatolia

My Badakhshan, my Baghdad and Khorasan"

-Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent

I finally gave her a call the next day, asking if we were able to go out for dinner on Wednesday. It was one of my free days, and I thought I'd spend my evening with her. We had a lot to talk about, things still unresolved, questions still unanswered.

I opted for a light blue office shirt and chequered dress pants. I wanted to go with something nice, but not too formal. It was just a casual dinner between friends, and I didn't want anyone to get any wrong ideas. I thought of wearing a tie, but in the end decided against it.

"I'm going to go meet a friend," I told Ayumi as I picked up my bag.

"For dinner?" the young woman asked as she typed into her laptop, busy with something.

"Yeah," I muttered as I walked over to her. "What are you doing?"

"Just some work I have, nothing too much," she replied. "Anyway, who are you meeting?"

"A girl I knew from high school," I said, reluctantly. "But don't worry, she's engaged."

I could feel myself fluster as I blurted out those words. The young woman only laughed.

"You don't have to think like I'm going to be jealous or anything, even if she wasn't engaged," the young woman giggled. "I trust you, relax."

"Thank goodness for that," I chuckled nervously.

"Anyway," the young woman said, turning away from her screen. "Have I told you about the party in spring? The one in Asahikawa?"

"Wait, what?" I responded.

I never heard her mention anything about it before.

"Ah," she replied. "It's some kind of springtime garden party we have annually on our lakeside house. It's mostly a closed affair, we have some of our closest friends and their families over, and most of them are also our business partners in our group, so everyone kind of knows each other. It's not a corporate thing, its just a little party to have some fun and catch up. The lake is beautiful in spring, and we have a horse ranch there. I thought it'd be nice if you come, I can introduce you to my parents."

"Ah, that sounds great," I replied, slightly nervous. "I don't have anything going on during Spring break."

The young woman raised an eyebrow, her sharp eyes analysing me. She was critical and quick to pick up on the slightest hints, even if they aren't that obvious.

"Are you worried about meeting my parents?" she giggled. "Don't worry, they'll be fine. They already know about you, and they don't really comment on it. I'm sure they'd like to meet you in person, actually."

"Ah, is that so?" I muttered.

The young woman only smiled.

"Well I shouldn't keep you back from your appointment," she said, before getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

I put on my shoes, and off I went to the restaurant that Kameko-chan had suggested. It wasn't really that far from where I was staying, it was on the same street as where I was, but the boulevard was rather long, but I decided that a walk wouldn't do me any harm. It was nice to walk by myself sometimes. I could take a bus of course, but there was a charm to making my way down the street, surrounded by people, yet feeling alone, to an extent. It was a strange comfort that I found in this forlorn solitude.

The evening crowd filled the street, just like how it usually was on the weekdays. I walked past colourful storefronts with their neon lights, as well as restaurants with a calmer ambience. It was way past sundown, the winter sun having fled the vestiges of the darkness a long time ago.

As I made my way to the restaurant, I thought that a brief reprise to Asahikawa would be nice. The air would be much fresher, the forests lush, and the air light. Things had been weighing me down recently, and Sapporo's crowds and concrete buildings felt more oppressive than ever. Logically speaking, it wasn't really the environment, but my own internal feelings. But I've come to associate Sapporo with my own loneliness and longing of better times. Sure, things may be great, but I just feel really empty inside. This cavern within me rotted and fell apart with the monotony of the days gone by.

I had to confess, meeting Kameko-chan herself was somewhat of a breather for me. And she seemed different, someone that could understand. She seemed to be happy now, and frankly, I was kind of happy for her too. She seemed to have found a second chance, and secretly, I was hoping for one too.

A second chance for what exactly, I didn't really know. Things were complicated, but all I want is a second chance to feel truly happy again. All this while, I was just pretending. I wanted to believe that every problem had a solution, that I would find what I was searching for one day, but it never seemed to stop seeming so bleak.

I remembered the last time I saw Ayano. It was a few days ago, when she was with Ayumi. I had asked Ayumi out for lunch earlier, and she and Ayano had just exited their faculty building. They were talking to each other about something, and I noticed that the girl I loved had the sweetest of smiles on her beautiful lips. I had no idea what they were talking about, but when she saw me approach, I noticed the smile disappearing from her face.

As Ayumi turned to greet and talk to me, for the most part, I was stealing glances at Ayano. The young woman seemed to have noticed, or deliberately decided not to look at me, as most of the time her eyes were fixated at her phone, or at the ground. Eventually, she came up with an excuse and told Ayumi that she had to be somewhere. She smiled as she said goodbye to Ayumi, before turning in the opposite direction and walking off, never looking back.

I feel sad even thinking about it. That she won't even look at me now. I know she's trying to do what's right, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.

Ever since the day she walked out of that gate, I've never really been the same. It was like a piece of me died, a slice of my heart collapsing and shattering into a thousand pieces as it hit the cold, hard ground.

But every step I took closer to the restaurant, the lighter it felt. It felt like I was heading closer to something worthwhile. I just hoped talking with Kameko-chan could help me. She was hopeful, and I hoped that I could clamber out of the rut I was in with a new glimmer of much-needed hope.

I spotted them from a distance as I approached the walled compound. Seated on a bench with a long nautical coat and white pants was the young woman herself, together with a young boy beside her, wrapped in a black fleece jacket.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long," I said as I walked up to them.

"No, it's fine," she replied, standing up. "We just arrived here, actually."

I peered over her shoulder to the young boy who was hiding behind the young woman's coat.

"You didn't say you were bringing your –uh- stepson," I muttered awkwardly.

"Come on, don't be shy," Kameko-chan said to the young boy, holding his hand, a sweet smile on her cerise lips. "What do you do when you meet someone for the first time?"

The young boy eventually stepped out from behind his father's fiancée, his brown eyes looking directly into mine, as if he was studying me. His thick black hair almost covering them. In the end, he bowed.

"My name is Imagawa Toshio," the young boy said. "Please take care of me."

I smiled at the young boy, before looking at his guardian.

"You make a good stepmother," I chuckled.

"Well, I've always wanted kids of my own," she said, giggling, pushing her hair aside. "Well, shall we go?"

"Sure, sure," I muttered, and followed her into the building.

I couldn't help but felt a little glad when I noticed the young woman holding the boy's hand as they walked up in front. His small palm in hers, there was just something heart-warming about it to look at. She seemed to love the child very much.

I remembered the time when she confessed to Nakayama at the back at the school. How she, her head full of shame, admitted to running away from him to have an abortion. I've always thought of her as a selfish person for doing that, without even consulting the child's father, killing her own child without anyone else knowing.

But seeing her with the young boy, her sweet smile as she looked at his face, I finally saw her motherly nature. Her hand placed on his right shoulder as she talked to hostess over the counter, was certainly a product of that trait of hers, her love to the boy profound even without her saying a word. She never wanted to let him go.

It must be a burden then, I thought, as the hostess led us through the open corridor separating the dining rooms from the snow-powdered courtyard, for the young woman to decide on getting rid of her child. I can never imagine the guilt she must have felt, the guilt that kept her silent from telling the child's father in the first place. The guilt that just made her disappear from school for nearly a term.

"It's a pretty nice place don't you think?" Kameko-chan said as she sat down, ushering the young boy to do the same.

"Yeah, sure is," I replied, sitting opposite her.

We ordered a multi-course meal for the two of us, requesting an extra bowl of rice for the young boy. With a gracious smile, the waitress in her silk kimono bowed and exited the room, leaving us in the privacy of the enclosed paper walls.

"So, how old are you?" I asked the young boy, smiling at him.

The young boy only looked at me with those clear, brown eyes of his. Biting his lip in a sort of reluctant smile. But those eyes, were they gleaming with innocence, a pure soul, not knowing the horrors of this world. Without saying a word, he raised his right palm, showing his five fingers.

"Ah, so. . ." I said leaning closer to the child. "One, two three, four. . .five? You're five years old, right?"

The young boy nodded, his smile more prominent, the reluctance slowly dissipating. Kameko-chan giggled as she stroked his hair.

"We have trouble getting him to speak much," she said, her tone nearly apologetic. "His father says he never begun talking until he was two and a half."

The boy leaned his head against her chest, his small hands hugging her stomach. The young woman embraced him, landing a kiss on his forehead.

"Well, he does seem to love you," I commented, chuckling. "That's good I guess, having someone love you like that."

"It never hurts for someone to love you," she replied, gently pushing Imagawa-kun away. "I've always loved children."

There was a silent pause as my thoughts returned to me.

"I'm really sorry," I finally blurted out. "I really, really am."

"What are you sorry about?" she laughed it off with the aura of grace that she always had. "You don't have to be sorry about anything, Jarrett-kun."

"I'm just sorry to have thought wrongly about you all this time," I said.

"That's all in the past," she replied. "We were all immature. We grow. We make mistakes. We amend the damage we left behind."

"I'm sorry that I thought you were selfish, for what you did in Tokyo," I began. "I'm really sorry that I assumed that you did it out of your own selfish needs, to hide your shame, to keep Nakayama by your side. But seeing you know, how you love this child so much even when he wasn't your own, I can't even imagine the pain you felt when you did it. I can't even understand how devastated you must have felt. It must. . . hurt, to put it in the lightest sense."

The smile on her cerise lips vanished, her gaze at someplace far away as her right hand stroked the young boy's head. Eventually she seemed to snap out of it for a brief moment, and wore her gentle smile for a while.

Fishing out a small picture book from her handbag, she passed the book to the young boy.

"Oji-san and I are going to talk about adult things now," she explained with her voice, the soothing melody of a nightingale's song. "You read this book for now and don't disturb us, okay?"

The young boy nodded, and took the picture book from her hands. The smile she wore as she talked to the boy disappeared when she turned back to me.

It was then when our drinks arrived, the waitress in her flowing silk kimono pouring green tea into our cups, the liquid still steaming. Kameko-chan thanked the woman, who told us that the first course would be ready soon.

With the woman gone, Kameko-chan looked straight into my eyes.

"It hurt me, you say?" she said, her voice slow and soft. "No, no. It didn't just hurt me. It devastated me. Night after night I lay sleepless in my bed, thinking about what I've done. That I killed my own child, and for what? A reputation? Salvaging an unhealthy relationship that was already done to begin with? For what? Shame? I traded a brief shame for a lingering guilt, a soul-consuming guilt that can never leave me."

"What's done is done," I muttered. "We've all done things we've regretted. You were young back then, you wouldn't survive with the baby. How could you possibly bring up the child? And Nakayama. . . Would he have taken responsibility?"

"By the way he beat me, I would assume he would," she replied, her gaze lowered. "I-I felt like I deserved it though. I murdered my own child Jarrett, I can't just forget I did that."

"No, no, don't say that," I said, shaking my head. "You didn't deserve any of that. Ayano and I heard everything, and we saw everything. That's why she told me to go and get the authorities."

"The two of you needn't do that," she answered with a shallow sigh. "Even as he hit me, I felt like I was the one in the wrong. That it was all my fault. That it wouldn't have happened if I wasn't so selfish."

I didn't know what to say. I was silent, my lips sealed shut. I felt sad for her, seeing her like that.

"But enough about me," she continued, letting a deep sigh escape her lips. "I have a beautiful family that I'll be formally a part of soon, and I'm really thankful for that. I'll love this boy as if he was my own, lost his mother at such a young age. Whenever I think about myself, I think about him, a mother he would never get to know, and his father, his wife that he'd never see again. I think about them, and I guess that's what helps me go on."

"I'm glad you're doing okay," I muttered awkwardly, not really knowing what to say.

"I'm far from okay," she replied, a sweet smile on her thin lips. "I've just stopped caring about myself anymore. Because my feelings don't matter. I don't matter."

I only kept silent. Her words hit me hard. They mirrored my exact feelings. I guess the world was like that, the moment you see a glimmer of hope in the dark skies, another strong gust of wind blows the thick, black rainclouds and return the world to its original darkness. We're all sad, and we're all lonely. And we're all just trying to find our way to the end.

The food soon came, plate after plate being laid out before us. A feast for the eyes.

The heavy feeling weighing down in my heart stole any appetite I had left. But I still ate anyway, slowly picking up my chopsticks and trying out every single dish. The flavours seemed mild on my numb tongue. There wasn't really anything that felt out of the ordinary. The sadness just seemed to come creeping back to me.

"Looking back," I said, reminiscing. "Nakayama, Ayano, you and I. We were just a group of sad, sorrowful souls trying to figure out our way in this difficult life."

The young woman just giggled as she picked up her tea.

"You could say it that way," she said, swirling her tea around in the cup. "But when on earth were the four of us ever an item?"

"I don't know," I replied, chuckling. "I just feel that the four of us are connected, somehow."

"Even you with Yukino?" she asked, her voice almost in disbelief.

"Well, believe it or not," I answered. "Nakayama and I actually made up a few weeks before graduation. He called me out and we kind of sorted things out. I can see why the two of you love him so much, he's a nice guy. Although rather troubled."

"Ah, Yukino," the young woman sighed. "Another one of my regrets. I feel really guilty about him. I could have done something. I should have done something. He would still be alive today had we got him to professional help. Instead, we were just too selfish being ourselves."

"I feel guilty about him too, to be honest," I admitted. "He told me about his problems. He showed me the scars on his wrists. He told me how hopeless he felt. He made me promise not to tell Ayano about it, and I did. I kept my word."

I let out a deep sigh.

"If I had told Ayano, she would have done something," I said. "Nakayama would still be alive."

"But it's fate, Jarrett-kun," she replied, turning to look at her soon-to-be stepson for a moment. "We can't change anything about it. If he was fated to die, then there was nothing we could do to stop it."

"You sound exactly like me when I'm trying to comfort Ayano," I chuckled. "Funny, I don't even believe the advice I'm giving her. But, I know it's the right advice, it's just that . . . It's hard."

"The could-have-beens would always be there," Kameko-chan replied. "Humans are regretful creatures. We're always regretting things. We always make mistakes. We forget about the right and the wrong, succumbing to our cranial desires. That we always put ourselves first, and only feel sad when bad things happen close to home when we could have done something. Because we're unsatisfied with the blood on our hands, and that's why we regret. It all boils to our own needs in the end."

"It's tragic to think about," I commented.

"It sure is," came her curt reply.

My heart sank seeing her like that. Beneath those gleaming eyes, eyes glimmering with hope, eyes looking forward to the future, was a broken woman.

"When I got a second chance with my Hideki," she continued. "I almost couldn't believe it. When he asked me to marry me, it was like life was giving me a fresh start. A new family, a new man to love, a new life. It finally felt like I could move on from the mistakes of my past. All the tears, all the sadness. I wanted to leave it behind. It was like a dream you know, and it still doesn't feel right, in some aspects."

"Come on, don't feel bad about it," I tried to comfort her. "You're a good person, and I believe you can be an excellent stepmother. You love children after all don't you? You'll be an excellent mother."

"I just," she sighed, as if my words went unheard. "I just feel like a person like me doesn't deserve this. It's too good for me. I'm not worthy of a fresh new start. It's too much."

"The guilt will still be there of course," I commented, trying to say something sensible without seeming offensive. "But time heals old wounds. We'll come to accept that these wounds over time would close up by themselves, and although they still hurt sometimes, but the reality is that we have to move on."

"We?" Kameko-chan replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," I muttered. "I'm talking about myself as well. It's time to get rid of the lingering guilt and live my life again. There are a lot of things that I regret, and I guess it's time to move on. Finding you, I guess there's that's a kind of sign, don't you think?"

"I suppose it is," she replied. "But it still doesn't feel right."

"It's perfectly fine," I tried to soothe her. "It's fate, and everyone's lives has their fortunes and miseries, so don't feel bad about anything, really."

The young woman let out a deep sigh, before turning to look at the son of her fiancé. A faint smile lit up her pale face.

"He's one of the few things in this world that keeps me going," she said as she stroked his hair lovingly. "And his father, of course."

I only kept silent, picking up a piece of limp, lifeless sashimi with my chopsticks.

"Anyway, enough about all the gloomy things, I must be boring you," she said, giggling slightly with an air of light-heartedness. "Would you like to see my ring?"

"Sure," I replied, not really knowing what to say.

The young woman picked up her handbag, looking through it, before finally taking out a small ring box. It was velvet, its exterior spotless. She picked up the sparkling ring from its comfortable plush cushion, touching the face of the gem with her delicate fingers. I almost wanted to reach out and feel the cold touch of metal on my skin, but I restrained myself. It would be rude to just grab someone's engagement ring out of their grasp. Instead, I could just admire it as she held it in her hand.

"It's really. . ." I began, in awe of the diamond's wonder. "Beautiful."

A slight smile appeared on the young woman's fair lips. She let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders falling.

"It's certainly beautiful," she said, tilting her head as she brought it up level to her eyes. "I still can't believe how expensive it is."

It was then when I saw her, standing in the corridor, her eyes widened in shock. Her lips slightly parted, but no words were there to be said. Our eyes met for a while, and I could feel my heart skip a beat.

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I couldn't believe what I saw.

I didn't know how to feel.

Backing away, I just turned around and got my mind set on getting out of there. Besides, Shuuya-kun was waiting for me. He needed me. He needed me then and now, and I could think of everything that I saw back at home.

No, no, it wasn't important at all, I told myself, as my hands trembled. As fast as I could, I walked briskly down the corridor, through the entrance reception, heading towards the exit. I heard the footsteps coming up from behind me, getting louder and louder, but I didn't look back. I didn't want to look back.

I was already out in the cold, adjusting my coat as the freezing wind blew. Clenching the thick collar against my tight chest, my mind was focused on collecting Shuuya-kun and getting out of there. My heart was aching, the tears nearly bursting through the floodbanks.

How could he? My heart ached, burned, withered to black, weightless dust, blown away in the bleak winter breeze. I loved him. I truly did. And I sacrificed my own love, my own happiness, and he went around behind our backs and did this? Sure, he could say he was hurt, he could say he was left devastated. But surely I suffered the same? We were both trapped in relationships with people we could never truly love, yet the choice still laid with us. To sacrifice what was right, what we should do, in exchange for our own selfish happiness and joy, or to destroy our own pathetic desires to uphold righteousness. I did not want to ruin Ayumi-chan. I loved her too much to betray her so. I could never snatch away something that was rightfully hers, someone who was rightfully hers.

I sacrificed my own love for Ayumi-chan. I wanted her to be happy. For I once had my chance for happiness, which I earned by selfishly snatching Yukino away from Kameko-chan, and look how that turned out? I had to consciously do what was right, for following my own desires would just lead me to ruin. Getting what I want would mean to ruin others, and I cannot bear to pay the price for that. I will not leave Ayumi-chan in tears. I will not destroy the most valuable friendship I have ever known. I will not. I could not.

Yet here he was, sneaking behind our backs with another woman. A shining diamond ring in her slender palm. Her voice sweet and gentle. I felt a lone tear escape

It was then when I felt his firm hand on my right shoulder. My feet immediately stopped, my breath fell short. It felt like forever before I heard his voice in the brittle winter wind.

"Look, I-"

The agony was too much. The pain gripped my rapidly beating heart like a clenched fist full of anger. A fist filled with rage. The desperate throes of anger from seeing such an injustice. The feeling, like the waves breaking onto the rocky shore on a stormy night, filled with me such intensity.

Turning around quickly, I felt my palm burn as I struck his right cheek. My skin hurt, but the pain in my heart was far worse. Taking a step back, I looked at him through tearing eyes. His clear brown eyes were wide in shock, his cheeks painted a bright red. The tears began to gush down my face, but I immediately wiped them away. No, I couldn't cry. I shouldn't show him these tears he wasn't worthy of. Someone like him wasn't worth crying over.

But those tears I spilled, those weren't for him. Those were the tears I wept for Ayumi-chan, and most of all, for my own naïveté. For all the times I felt guilty for leaving him, for all the times I doubted my choice. For all the times I thought that our love was real.

"Trust me," he began his palm rubbing the spot on his right cheek where my hand met it. "It's not what it seems to be."

I could only look at him straight in the eye, my eyebrows frowning in absolute disgust.

"Trusting you was the biggest mistake I ever made."

Turning away, I walked ahead, never looking back. He never tried to continue his explanation, nor did he try to go after me. Either way, I did not care. What I've seen was already enough. I could easily where his heart lied. I couldn't believe it, and I couldn't accept it, but I had to walk away for that moment. I couldn't bear to see his audacious face. Besides, Shuuya-kun needed me. I quickly wiped away the tears that falling from my cheek.

Shuuya-kun was waiting for me by the street, seated on a bench, his arms folded. His hands were trembling. He seemed really shaken. Quickly, I came over to him, my hands resting on his forearms.

"We should go home," I muttered, trying my best to not let my voice give anything away. "You need to calm down."

With that, he stood up, and the both of us made our way back to the station, in the dull snowy night, frigid like our hearts in this sorrowful winter cold. Sad. Frozen. I never talked to him as we sat on the train waiting for the journey to pass. The young man seemed to be too distraught within his own mind to care about anything that was around him. I wouldn't blame him though. Something really bad must have had happened for him to react in such a way. Occasionally he would hold my hand as we sat there, a small token of comfort for the young man who couldn't express his complicated feelings.

I tried to put my own feelings behind, and focus on my boyfriend. I honestly didn't know what to do. I had no idea what brought him to knock Ishiwaki-san out, but I was sure it had to do with mental state. The Shuuya-kun I knew wouldn't just assault someone without a good reason. Even though his reasons may or may not be rational, I suppose something at least of a large significance would have led him to do that. It wasn't like Shuuya-kun would go on a rampage and attack without a reason. He wasn't some wild animal. He was just a sad, tortured soul. Misunderstood, misrepresented.

My aunt was already at home when we got back. She welcomed me back as per normal, but she finally noticed the young man beside me. The warm smile on her thin lips vanished, her face ruminating in concern. The young man looked miserable, ruffled and shaken. She hadn't seen him for so long, yet he seemed indifferent. As if his mother was not even there. Her son said neither a word to his mother nor to me, before entering his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

"Did something happen?" she asked as she approached.

The woman stepped in closer, and her eyes widened with genuine concern as she realised the sticky dampness of my cheeks, and the slight tinge of red in my eyes. Poor girl, her soft, caring eyes seemed to say.

"Shuuya, uh-" I finally managed to stutter, clearing my throat. "He. . . Well, he knocked someone out, but he didn't tell me why."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that," she said, placing her palm gently on my right shoulder. "I didn't know he was coming home tonight."

"He just showed up at my university today," I told her frankly. "He never told me anything before that. He never even contacted me before, so he kind of appeared out of the blue."

"Well," she replied. "I guess I'll have to talk to him tomorrow. You should go get some rest, you look absolutely tired."

"Yeah," I muttered.

In the privacy of the bath, I couldn't help myself. The tears flowed freely, pouring down my cheeks. Why? I asked myself. How could he do this? Did he not think of anyone else but himself? Who was he, to be playing around with me like that. To play with Ayumi-chan like that. Did he not think of her? Did he not think of me?

Yet there he was, sneaking around with another woman.

A stark pain in my chest gripped me. My sacrifice was all in vain. I felt absolutely useless. Here I was, thinking that I was the better person, leaving him so that he may not cheat on Ayumi-chan. Yet, was I to blame for instigating all this? Perhaps so. If I hadn't accepted his feelings for me, perhaps he would have just given up. I might have led him on, making him think that if he could get away with one, he could get away with anything. It was all my fault.

I fell asleep with tears dampening my pillow, snuck away in my own corner of this torturous world.

I woke up early the next morning. I had a morning lecture at eight for French, at the lecture theatre near the language arts faculty. After showering quickly, I dressed up. The weather was still rather cold, but it was getting later into February, and the snow seemed to have lessened. It was a good sign of course. Winter was always long so far up in the north, but the winter snows starting to recede earlier in the year was very welcome.

I didn't know what time Shuuya-kun was going to wake up, or what time his classes were, so I just cooked breakfast for myself. My aunt was already out at work by the time I usually wake up, so I just had to cook for one.

That day I decided to make some French toast. I haven't eaten it in a while, and it wasn't that hard to make, so I thought why shouldn't I? I also had somewhat of a craving for it. It was all and well, and nothing really out of the ordinary. I made myself some coffee, sweetened with a dash of honey. I sat at the table all by myself, cutting a small piece of the toast I made and biting into it. The quaint trace of honey and cinnamon was absolutely beautiful, and a for a brief moment I nearly forgot the pain that had been plaguing my heart for the entire night.

It was then when Shuuya-kun appeared in the hallway, walking into the hall with his hair in a mess, his face somewhat blank. He looked at me, but it was if he wasn't there. His mind was in another place altogether. Truth be told, I was scared.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I asked, standing up, trying to mask my fear. "I-I can go make some if you want."

"There's no need," he answered blankly as he immediately walked to the kitchen.

I watched him as he looked through the fridge, taking some things out and placing it on the counter, It all seemed normal, just like how he used to cook every morning. I watched as I sat there eating my toast him appearing to look at the pans hanging on the rack. I had cleaned them up immediately after cooking, and placed them back where they usually were.

Or so I thought.

The young man seemed to take forever staring at the pans, saying nothing, doing nothing. Was he having trouble choosing a pan to cook in?

"Shuuya-kun?" I called out, concerned. "What's wrong?"

He didn't answer. Worried that something was wrong, I went up to him. There was a bit of fear in my heart, after knowing what he did to Kurosaki-san yesterday. Or the time when he slapped me. Or the time when Jarrett and him got into a brutal fight. Those frightening images came back to my head.

I was beside him, about to ask him what was bothering him, when the young man suddenly turned to me. His eyes glared directly into mine. A glare that sent a frightening chill through my body. A glare of a predator to his prey before the blow that struck death.

The next moment I found myself yanked by the hair violently, my scalp burning with pain. I shrieked in pain, in terror. My heart was beating fast. I thought I was about to die. He brought me closer to them, blaring his teeth in anger as he pulled me to face the pots and pans, arranged from the largest to smallest from left to right.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled directly into my left ear. "Did you never in all this time realise that it was from the right to left?"

Tears started to form in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks.

"Please," I pleaded to him. "Please let me go. Please."

"Well, you want me to let you go?" he said. "Fine."

With that, he pushed me forward, towards the countertop. I lost my balance, my knees gave way, and I felt the hard, blunt edge of the countertop hit my cheekbone. My tears wouldn't stop falling. Why was he doing this? What have I done wrong? I gasped and shivered with every faint, pained, cry that escaped my lips.

He stood there, staring at me as I was down on the floor, my head leaning against the cupboard, my cheekbone hurting. I was too scared to move, afraid that he would grab me again, that he might do something worse.

After what felt like an eternity, he left, walking down the living room and into the hallway, before I finally heard the loud slam of his bedroom door. Shaken and afraid, I finally got up. I hurriedly rearranged the pots hanging in front of the stove, in case he got angry at me again.

I slowly made my way back to the table, throwing away the half-eaten toast into the garbage before washing my plate. I had no appetite anymore.

I stepped into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. The girl in the reflection was absolutely miserable. Her hair was in a mess, her eyes were red from all the crying. And there was a faint reddish-purple glow on her right cheek, slightly below her eye.

Leaning over the sink, I took a deep breath, wiping away the tears in my eyes. I bent down, washing my face with the cold water. After drying my face with a towel, I applied my makeup. I lined my still-red eyes with a generous amount of mascara, and painted my cheeks with a light foundation. I painstakingly tried to cover the horrendous bruise, adding another layer of foundation with a dollop of blush. It was almost as if I was working on a painting, trying to cover up the imperfections. It was almost as if I was constructing a façade, a thin mask, a nearly unnoticeable barrier between the outside world and I.

I quickly left the house before Shuuya-kun decided that he hasn't mistreated me enough and got another emotional outburst. The snow was already thinning. I suppose the snow just wasn't able to hold out anymore to the warming weather.

At campus I made my way to the Language Arts faculty, where my French class was going to be at. I would only be meeting with Ayumi-chan for an afternoon lecture, but I was already worrying myself to death concerning what I saw yesterday. I was still at a los whether I should tell her about the whole fiasco or not. Perhaps she already knew. Perhaps not.

I sat at my usual seat in the lecture theatre, mindlessly jotting down notes about French grammar and new vocabulary that I picked up from the lecturer's lesson. But halfway through, I eventually gave up. My mind was in a mess. My cheek hurt. My heart was still aching. I still couldn't comprehend everything that was happening.

The image of his glare was still burnt in my mind, etched in my memory. The way he pulled my hair, the primal way he bared his teeth, the harsh tone of his voice. They hurt. They truly did.

But it was fine, I told myself. He wasn't alright. He has mental issues. Something had happened the previous day that knocked him out of balance, and its effects had carried over to the next day. He wasn't stable, he couldn't think properly. I mean, a normal person wouldn't get so annoyed over pots and pans being arranged in the wrong order. It was a trivial matter to someone who was thinking straight. But Shuuya-kun wasn't.

I suppose this was part and parcel of trying to take care of someone with mental issues, try all you might, they'll still hurt you in the end. Even if they don't mean it. I tried to think of it that way, but it still hurt. And I couldn't change that.

Before I knew it, the lecture was over, and students began filing out of the theatre. In a hurry, I quickly packed my things I had out on the table and into my bag. Picking it up, I left and headed out for my next lecture.

It was only after my lunch break did I have the lecture with Ayumi-chan. She was waiting for me by the library, where we always met. I didn't eat for lunch as well, I didn't really have the mood. Instead, I just spent my lunch time hanging around in the library, resting my head on the table for a few minutes to catch some rest. I was exhausted, sad and drained.

Ayumi-chan smiled at me as I approached her, but it vanished from her thin lips as I got nearer.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her gentle voice filled with concern. "You look horrible."

"It's fine," I replied instinctively, not wanting to worry her. "I just didn't get enough sleep these few days. You know, work and stuff."

"Well, I hope that's it," she answered. "Well, if that's really the case, you should get some rest. You look really exhausted."

With that, we both walked on to the venue where our lecture was going to be held, back at the Law faculty building. With every step I debated telling Ayumi-chan about what I saw. Every beat of my heart made me want to spill everything out to her. To tell her what Jarrett was doing behind her back. To tell her the truth, which could shatter her heart. Or I could just keep silent. I went with that eventually. I thought it would be better if Jarrett just had the courage to own up to her himself. Telling her now might just cause more harm than good.

The lecture went on as normal, me taking down notes as the professor went on to explain some of the procedures in court. It was mostly an introduction lecture, so there was nothing too heavy on it, which was quite a relief I guess. My mind was quite distracted to actually do anything. As the lecture went on, a sense of dread crept into my heart. Soon the lecture was over and I would need to go home.

It was then when I decided to look inside my bag to search for something, when I realised that my wallet was nowhere to be found. I looked in between my files and in every compartment, but to no avail. It was gone.

I looked under my desk and on the floor around me, but I couldn't see the long grey wallet anywhere. Ayumi-chan seemed to have noticed me getting panicky.

"Are you looking for something?" Ayumi-chan asked in a soft voice.

"Have you seen my wallet?" I asked her. "I'm pretty sure I left my house with it this morning."

"Did you leave it somewhere?" she asked. "Where were you before this?"

"I had a French lecture this morning. . . At the Language Arts faculty," I replied. "I think I left it there."

"Well if it was this morning, then I suggest you check the student affairs centre," she said. "Somebody probably would've found it by now."

"Yeah," I mumbled under my breath, too worried to pay any attention to the lecture.

Ayumi-chan and I left the theatre soon afterwards, once the lecture ended. I headed to the student affairs centre alone though, as Ayumi-chan had to leave to be somewhere.

"I hope you'll find it there," she wished me before we parted. "You should be more careful next time."

The young woman and I walked off in opposite directions. It was a little chilly that afternoon, but I've seen worse. The coldest points of winter was over, thankfully. Soon I'll see the flowers bloom again and spring will come. Yet, deep in my heart, it felt like this winter was to be forever. Cold, desolate and lifeless. Spring seemed like just a fata morgana to me. Just a pretty façade to hide how dead everything truly was.

It was then I realised the vibrations coming from the depths of my handbag. I quickly fished out my phone. It was a number I did not recognise.

"Yes?" I said as I picked up. "Furukawa Ayano speaking."

"Ah, finally," a male voice from the other end replied. " I've been trying to get to you ever since this morning."

By his accent, he sounded very foreign. The slight lilt in his voice clearly indicated so. But I couldn't tell from where, just that wasn't a local. With that said, there was something about his voice which sounded almost dreamy to me.

"Um, is this about my wallet?" I asked, somewhat instinctively.

"Yeah, yeah," the man replied. "Your ID card was in here so I checked the student database. That's how I got your number."

"Well, thank you so much," I replied, slightly flustered. "Are you still on campus? I could meet up with you and collect my wallet if you will."

"I'm at the lounge of the admin building," he said. "Yeah."

"If I may," I asked, a bit nervous. "What are you wearing? So you know, I could identify you?"

"Well let's see. . ." the mysterious voice answered. "Grey jacket, black pants."

"Thanks, I'll see you there."

I turned back past the law faculty to get to the administrative building. I fastened my pace, intending not to keep the good Samaritan waiting. I had already troubled him enough. Admittedly I felt a little nervous, since I was going to meet someone for the first time.

Well, it's just passing me my wallet, I tried to assure myself. I'll probably see him this once only, it was only by chance that he found my wallet. It's not going to be of any significance or anything. He might even already forget about me the next day. After all, I'm just another speck in this sea of humans. I'm forgettable.

I arrived at the building soon enough and entered the lounge. Well, there he was, seated on an armchair by the wall. The young man with the grey jacket and black pants. Honestly he was the first thing that caught my eye. Not because of his jacket or clothes, but because of his curly reddish hair, scruffy beard, and pale skin. My instincts were right, he did not look anything like a local.

Gulping, I approached him nervously. The young man noticed me approaching and stood up.

"Ah, you must be Furukawa-san," he said as he produced the long, grey wallet in his palms. "I believe you must have left this in the lecture theatre this morning. Please be more careful next time."

I couldn't help but feel astonished with his features. It was a bit embarrassing to admit, but the young man that stood in front of me was very captivating. His pale, flawless skill. His crown of reddish brown hair, his curls wild and free. His sky blue eyes. His high nose bridge. His gentle eyebrows, and rugged charm.

"Thanks. . ." I muttered, hesitating since I didn't know what to address him. "What do I call you?"

The young man chuckled as I received the wallet from his hands. His smile parted his thin lips, revealing a row of perfect white teeth.

"Caird, Euan Caird," the young man said. "You can just call me Euan though, the last name thing makes me kind of uncomfortable."

"Ah," I mumbled. "Thank you so much, Caird-san."

"Seriously, just call me Euan," he said with a slight smile.

"Alright then, if you insist," I replied, a bit nervous. "Thank you so much Euan."

"No problem," he answered. "I was about to pass this over at the student affairs centre, when you finally answered. It was almost like we were fated to meet."

I could only laugh awkwardly. Even though he was obviously joking, I got really self-conscious.

"Well," I muttered. "I was just curious –how did you know it was me when I approached? I could have just been anyone."

"Your ID has your photo remember?" he said, motioning towards the wallet in my hand with his chin. "Also that was how I got your phone number.

"Ah, I see," I replied, not really knowing what to say. "I'm sure you're probably sick of hearing this, but I'm really, really thankful for what you did for me. Thank you, really, Euan."

"You might want to check if there's anything missing from your wallet or anything," the young man said. "Well you know, someone else might have found it before I did."

I looked through my wallet, checked my cards, notes and coins. Everything was where they were supposed to be. Nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Everything's fine," I said. "Well then, I'm really sorry for all the trouble, if there's anything I could do, please feel free to ask me."

"Well," the young man said, folding his arms. "I suppose you could help me with something."

"Please, you already did me such a huge favour," I answered. "Just say it."

"I was thinking you'd accompany me for dinner this evening," the redhead man said with a charming smile. "I get bored eating by myself."

"Don't you have any friends to go out with?" I replied, slightly taken aback by his advance. "Like, other than me?"

The young man raised his eyebrow.

"You did say that I could ask anything I wanted," he said. "And don't worry, I just want to get to know you."

"So. . ." I replied. "You're basically asking me out for a date?"

"I never said anything like that," the young man replied, the slightest hint of a boyish smirk on his thin lips. "It's rude to put words in other people's mouths you know?"

"Fine, I'll have dinner with you," I said, reluctantly. "You have anywhere in mind?"

"Your choice," he replied as he picked up his haversack. "I'm not really picky."

Eventually I went with the Italian restaurant Jarrett had brought me to once, back when I just arrived in Sapporo, alone, sad, and miserable. I still remembered as clear as yesterday. Jarrett was the only one that meant so much to me in this crowded sea of people. Yet here I was, heading over there with another young man.

As we walked, Euan to my right, I couldn't help but feel very conscious about everything. I was constantly looking around, afraid that I may see a familiar face that might think I was going out with another man. No, no, this wasn't cheating. We were just going out for dinner, Euan and I. This strange redhead man with dreamy sky blue eyes and the short girl with a swollen, bleeding heart was just going out to get to know each other. To have a decent conversation. To avoid going home to a partner that had hurt her so much. She was scared, she was terrified.

I noticed a few young women turning their heads to look at Euan, then to me. I felt scrutinised, my black coat, my black dress, my black hair, my black boots, the black bruise underneath my blush. They certainly must have thought how Euan and I were together, when we had only known each other for less than an hour. But I supposed they most likely turned to look at Euan. He was indeed rather attractive. I cannot deny that.

"Well, this seems like a nice place," the young man said once we were seated in the cosy restaurant.

It was almost like how it was a year ago, when I came to that very same restaurant with Jarrett. The atmosphere remained the same, a little bit dim, but it felt warm. The stained glass lamps glowing a dark orange really helped with the mood. This time however, there were more people, given that of course, it was nearing dinner time.

"I went here quite a few times," I replied, as the waiter placed our menus in front of us. "The panna cotta is really good. You should try it."

The words left my lips naturally. It was almost like déjà vu.

"I think I might try that for dessert," the young man chuckled as he flipped through the menu. "Thanks for the recommendation though."

The waiter soon came over and took our orders. For me I had fettuccine alfredo, while Euan had a Palermo-style steak. He drank soda while I drank bitter green tea.

"You like green tea?" he asked, just as I placed the glass down after taking a sip.

"Yeah," I replied somewhat awkwardly. "I drink it all the time."

"Isn't it a bit bitter?" he asked, just before sucking from his straw. "I don't know how you people could chug all those in one day. You get what I mean?"

"I take it you don't like green tea?" I commented. "To each his own I guess."

"I prefer sweet things," the young man said, grinning.

"Well I don't blame you," I replied. "People out there usually put sugar into their tea."

"But tea was never meant to be drunk with sugar," the young man commented. "So I guess it's us that's in the wrong."

"Where are you from by the way?" I asked before picking up my glass for another sip.

"Well, I was originally from Renfrewshire," he replied. "But then I moved to Glasgow for university, and then I ended up here."

"So you're Scottish?" I said, raising my eyebrow. "Cool. What brought you here?"

"Technically speaking, my maternal grandmother's from York, but you could call me a Scotsman, I guess," Euan answered.

"But what brought you all the way here?" I asked, slightly irritated that he left out that bit of the question.

"I decided to further my studies here after studying for a while back in Glasgow," he said. "I wanted to major in Japanese, so they decided to send me over here instead. I mean, it makes sense."

"How many languages can you speak then?" I asked, leaning slightly forward, intrigued at this dashing, charming man.

"Let's see," the young man said, his sky blue eyes wandering, his hand stroking his scruffy, reddish beard. "English, Gaelic, German, Japanese. . .maybe a little bit of French."

"Five languages?" I answered, astonished. "How do you even manage?"

"I guess I was brought up in a multilingual household," the young man added with a slight chuckle. "My dad teaches English Linguistics and my mother's a journalist, so maybe it's just in the genes. How about you? How many languages can you speak?"

"Well, of course not as many as you," I said, giggling slightly. "Just three. Japanese, English. . . maybe a little bit of French."

"I suppose French must be the difficult one then," the young man said. "But then again, there are always difficult things."

"Ah, c'est la vie," I replied, trailing off with a shy giggle.

The young man's lips parted into a warm, charming smile. His eyes dreamy, yet bright. The shadow from the orange-tinted lights contouring his sharp, squarish face.

"Forgive me if I sound a little too direct," the young man said, adjusting the collar of his jacket. "But you're really pretty when you laugh."

"You think so?" I answered, flustered. "Nobody has ever told me that."

I could feel my cheeks getting warmer. My heart was beating faster in my chest, thumping against my quivering ribcage.

"Really," he said. "I really think so."

"Your chuckle isn't that far off," I replied with a gentle smile. "It really brings warmth to a really cold day."

"Ah," he said, stirring his soda with his straw. "You had a horrible day I suppose?"

"No, not really," I replied, trying to deflect him. "I'm fine."

"You looked really preoccupied for the most part since I met you," he pressed on. "Are you alright?"

Not only was he warm and charming. The young man was also pretty sharp.

"Yeah," I admitted. "I had a pretty horrible day."

"Tell me about it," Euan said. "This morning the dryer wouldn't work so I came to class in a wet shirt, and I also missed the train so I ended up being late for a very important lecture."

"My boyfriend pulled my hair and hit my face against the edge of the kitchen countertop," I answered, looking at him blankly. "And all because I didn't arrange the pots and pans right."

I didn't know why I told Euan that on our first meeting. The swelling words, the overflowing feelings in my heart, the hurt I've kept locked and repressed, they just slipped out of my mouth like a breath escaping from my lips. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.

The young man didn't say anything for a few seconds. He appeared shocked, just looking at me in silence. Well, who wouldn't be. The girl you've known for only a few moments suddenly tells you her boyfriend mistreated her violently. Yet I just felt like I had to. Perhaps it was because we only just met did it make me so comfortable to tell him about the ugly truths of my life. I just needed someone to listen to me. To know my pain. To know how it really hurts inside.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," he began. "I can't even imagine what you've went through."

It was then when our food arrived, the plates perfectly placed directly in front of us, yet neither of us picked up our utensils. Euan thanked the waiter with a slight nod.

"Hey, but if it makes you feel better, I can listen to you," he offered, before suddenly mumbling to himself, barely audible. "Yeah, perhaps that wasn't really the best idea. I mean, she probably has friends and all she could talk to you're just a stranger Euan."

"No,no," I quickly interjected, tailing with an awkward giggle. "I think talking to you is a great idea. . .Just that I came her with you to have a good time, have a great conversation. I mean, you're a really interesting person, and I'd love to be in your company."

"Well," the young man said, biting his lip. "If you say so."

Only then did the two of us began to eat. Euan's steak seemed succulent, despite it being covered by tomatoes, and sauce.

"Your steak looks really delicious," I commented as I picked up a forkful of pasta.

"It's quite juicy," he replied as he cut into the meat, revealing the inner redness of a perfect medium-rare.

"What's Scotland like?" I asked him.

"Well, it's all right I guess," he replied. "You know, the Lowlands, mostly cold days, fields and towns with really old churches. The cities are, well, okay, I guess."

"Glasgow's old town looks really picturesque," I remarked. "I wish I could go there someday."

"Ah, when you see it all the time, it'll look like nothing new," came the young man's reply. "It'll look like Hokkaido in winter. The first time you see it you're all in awe, but come the second, third winters and you just aren't bothered anymore."

"I can't wait for winter to end," I said. "It's so frigid, cold, and dead."

"Anyway," the young man said. "You haven't told me what faculty you were in yet."

"I'm in Law right now," I replied. "And also, since you said you did study in Glasgow for a while, how old are you exactly?"

"Well, I did three years in Linguistics and Japanese studies back at Glasgow," Euan said. "And it's my second year here for my master's program. . . So that makes me twenty two I guess."

"Ah, I'm turning twenty this year," I said. "When are you finishing your programme?"

"Next April," he replied. "I can be able to finish it in three years if I pack my schedule up with the modules I need. But I can pace it as fast or slow as I want, so I can make it four years if I want to."

"You're on a scholarship?" I asked him.

"Well, they agreed to pay for four years if I'd go back to Scotland and teach," he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Why not stay for four years?" I asked. "They did pay for it already?"

"The problem is, I'm renting my own place, so It'd be cheaper if I just finished my programme as fast as possible. The faster I finish my master's, the faster I'll be able to start teaching."

"You want to teach?" I questioned. "It's not just for the bond, right?"

"I was thinking of teaching at the university back in Glasgow, where my father works," he said. "And they're the ones sponsoring me. But I could extend my scholarship so that I'd take a PhD as well, that way I can come back and become a member of the faculty."

"Well, it's still quite a long while away," I said. "You still have some time to think about what you really want."

"Yeah, I guess," he muttered, shrugging. "But that time is quickly approaching though. What about you? You got any plans?"

"Well, if I'm being realistic," I said, pushing my hair away. "To find a job as a woman, and sustaining a career is honestly difficult. You know, especially in this kind of economy, in this kind of country. So, my friend and I kind of had a plan to start our own law firm, you know, so we'll be able to work on our own terms. It's going to be challenging of course, but what in this world comes easy?"

"That sounds great," Euan said. "I won't pretend I know a thing about setting up law firms, but I'm sure you two got it covered."

"Well there's a lot of networking, that's for sure," I replied. "We talk to some local lawyers, get to know the profession, what kind of things to expect, but more importantly to know the other lawyers. Well, most lawyers specialise in certain fields, so if you know a couple of lawyers, they might refer cases to you. Especially if you're new in the scene. It'll help a lot."

"You really seem to have a solid plan ahead of you," the young man commented.

"What can I say," I said. "We're going to be adults soon, if we don't have a solid plan ahead of us to guide us, what would we ever do? If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

"Interesting," the young man said as he cut up a small piece of steak. "Do you have any particular hobbies?"

"Well, I used to be really into fashion when I was a teenager, you know, like normal girls," I replied. "But I realise that following fashion so closely is a bit silly. I mean, yeah, I do like to look nice and all, but watching fashion shows aren't just for me anymore. Nowadays I read books sometimes. Informative books. They teach me a lot of things."

"What things?" the young man, before taking a sip of his soda.

"Well for example," I said, clasping my hands together. "I know for a fact that the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth was the first western country to officially allow religious freedom in its lands. But I'd say it was already long overdue to recognise it since the King invited the Jews from other European cities during the black plague when they were being persecuted, as well as the Tartar minorities in the south."

The young man raised his right eyebrow as he nodded.

"Impressive," he said. "How did you get to know all this?"

"Well I was once reading up for the history of the romance languages, and well, you could have said I over-read for my assignment," I laughed. "Ended up reading about European history instead. And Eastern European history caught my eye in particular. Well, you could say it was relevant, since Romanian was a romance language, and is in Eastern Europe."

"I guess that's one way to put it," the young man chuckled. "What else do you know?"

"Well and the Habsburgs controlled a lot of kingdoms by marrying into them, really," I added. "What do you think was the turning point in European history?"

"Oh well, now you're asking the questions eh?" a charming smile appearing on his thin lips. "Well, let me think."

The young man pondered as he chewed, and for a brief moment, only the sound of his knife hitting the ceramic plate was clear, everything in the background dissolving into an incomprehensible blur.

"Probably the Fall of Constantinople," the young man said. "If it didn't fall, the Spanish would never have sailed west, the Renaissance might've never happened and the Ottomans wouldn't be a world power."

"It'd argue it was the Siege of Varna though," I replied, pushing my hair aside. "If the Hungarians didn't lose it and the Jagiellon king didn't die, they wouldn't have left the Eastern flank of Europe in disarray which was what allowed Constantinople to fall in the first place."

"You might as well argue it was the Seljuk invasion, since that was what that brought upon the Turks in the first place," Euan said.

"Well then, I suppose if we just kept talking about history we'll just be arguing all night about what came before," I said, giggling slightly. "Anyway, what are your hobbies?"

"I do like motorbikes," he replied. "I got my license a few years ago."

"So you have a motorbike?" I asked.

"Well, back in Scotland," he chuckled. "I can't possibly bring it all the way here can I?"

"I suppose you won't even need it here," I said. "You can just get around with the public transport system."

"I guess so," he replied. "Anyway, um. . . you mentioned you had a boyfriend?"

I bit my lips as I averted my gaze. I remembered how I let those words escape my lips, chastising my own carelessness.

"I don't know anymore, really," I said. "I might not even go back home tonight, seeing how things are going."

"Woah there," Euan blurted out, his sky blue eyes widening. "D-don't just jump on me like that you know?"

Only then did I realise what I had implied. Immediately I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, the warmth gushing as I reeled in from the embarrassment.

"No, no," I muttered. "I didn't mean that at all! I was planning to stay over at a friend's. I'm not sure if I should go home given what he did to me this morning."

"I know this isn't much but," the young man said rather awkwardly. "I'm sorry for what you're going through."

"I'm terrified to be honest," I replied. "He once told me that he bashed a kid who had been bullying him in school with a baseball bat until he was unconscious. I thought you know, that was in the past, and sure, he had been kind to me all this while until recently when he came back after he left home for a while."

"He left home?" Euan asked.

"Well, long story short, he found out my aunt had been hiding the fact that he was the illegitimate child of his late father and another woman. And I knew about it, and defended his mother in the fight. I got a tight slap though," I said, fidgeting with my fingers, unsure to why I was telling this to Euan in the first place. "But my friend got involved and the two of them got rather physical. So, I don't know what to do honestly."

"I don't think I'm in a place to tell you what to do," the young man said. "But I just hope that whatever happens, you'll be alright."

"Thanks," I replied. "Some part of me tells me to leave him, that he'll only get worse if he's just going to continue being unstable, but some other part of me wants me to stay, and take care of him. I know he loves me, he really does –well, that's what he says at least. But I haven't thought of doing anything yet, I'm just hoping it's a one-off incident."

"Honestly if I were you, I don't think I'd be able to forgive something like that," he said as he reclined into the chair. "I'll just say it plain and clear –it sounds like abuse. And you should really get yourself out of the situation."

"Do you want to know something strange?" I asked, tilting my head to the side, letting my hair fall down to my chest. "After all this time, after much thinking, I came to a realisation."

The young man only looked at me intently with his greyish-blue eyes.

"I never loved him to be honest," I said, almost bitterly. "I mean, he was the one who told me he had feelings for me, and I guess I must have found him attractive, but nothing more than that. It was just an infatuation, and I did try to let myself love him. I tried, at least. But the more I dragged on with it the more I felt tired. If I really want to be cynical I'd say I'm just sticking with him because I pity him. He doesn't have anyone else. But sooner or later that pity is going to fade into contempt and I'm just going to end up hurting myself."

"Then why put up with it?" Euan asked. "You know it's not going to end well."

"It's true that I want to end it," I replied. "But I have to be tactical about it. Now's not the time. I'll have to wait for the storm to clear. Anyway, enough about me, are you seeing anyone right now?"

"Well, I used to see a few, not all at once of course," the young man replied, chuckling. "They didn't really work out, I guess."

"Aw, why not?" I asked.

"Sometimes I was the one who initiated the break up, sometimes it was them, so I can't really cite an overarching reason," he said. "Things just didn't go well. Even though every single time I thought it was going to work out."

"So you're the type of guy who gets into relationships you think would last?" I questioned, giggling.

"I'm not the type to go for just a short fling," he said, scratching the back of his head, the lilt in his voice getting ever more slightly apparent. "I mean, I look for someone who I think I can spend the rest of my life with. You know, I want her to know that I'm serious. Well, it used to be more of an ideal for me, but now that I'm going to start work soon, it'll be a reality."

"So you're looking for a spouse?" I asked as I put down my cup.

"You could say so," Euan replied. "I've always seen myself as that type of guy. The type that wants to settle down and start a family."

"I'm still not too sure if I want to have kids one day," I added. "But I'm open to it."

"Two of my exes called me a prude," the young man said with a slight laugh, out of the blue. "But to each his own I guess."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with wanting to have kids and start a family," I said, finishing the last strands of pasta on my plate. "It's just different from what the kids of today want."

Having said that, I suddenly felt old.

"No, it's not that," he said, his eyes averting mine rather awkwardly. "I wanted to save it for marriage and didn't want to do it with them, so that's why they called me a prude."

The young man seemed really embarrassed for some reason, as if he thought I would judge him.

"You don't have to be embarrassed, really," I said, fidgeting with my fingers. "The truth is, I never did it with anyone too. But it's my choice you know? I just feel that it's something really important to save it for marriage. Well my boyfriends did try one time or another, but I had to stand firm you know? It's my principles, my body, my morals, so I don't feel like I have to do it with them, since I already make it clear to them. And I'm glad they respected it. Shows that they're serious about you, and not just there for the physical things."

"Well, how did we even get to this?" the young man laughed, his pale cheeks reddening. "But it's nice to meet someone my age who actually shares my views on this. At least I don't feel alone."

It was then when dessert arrived. The waiter took away our empty plates and placed two servings of panna cotta in front of us. It was the dessert that Jarrett had recommended to me back when I first arrived in Sapporo, a few weeks after Yukino killed himself. It was a really dark moment, but Jarrett was there for me. It felt really sad to be honest, that one year later I was in the very same restaurant, but with another man.

I shook the thought out of my head. I didn't want to think of him. Especially after seeing what he did last night. I didn't want to think about my broken heart.

"You were right," Euan suddenly said. "This is really good."

"Ah, I'm glad you like it," I replied, trying to push these painful feelings aside. "It'd be a waste if you didn't."

"How'd you find this place?" he asked.

"A friend once brought me here," I told him. "A year ago, when I just arrived here."

"So you're not originally from Sapporo?" Euan questioned, raising his right eyebrow.

Honestly it was such an uninteresting fact about me, it wasn't worth raising an eyebrow.

"I'm from Hakodate," I said. "It's a rather small city if you compare it to here."

"Renfrewshire is pretty small too," he replied. "Not really many people there."

"Then you realise you're just a small fish in a big pond," I said. "It's a bit of a shock at first."

"It sure is," he replied with a slight smirk.

I offered to pay for the dinner, but Euan wanted to go Dutch. It was fine by me. My money was already limited anyway. I was honestly was half-expecting him to offer to pay for everything, but it was fine. He was from a faraway place in a land unfamiliar, I'm sure he had his own limited resources. I can't imagine living half a world away from my family. I wondered how he could do it.

"I'm just going to walk to my friend's house," I told him once we settled the bill. "Don't think I can go back tonight."

"Would you like me to walk you there?" Euan offered. "I don't mind."

"It's fine, I just want to enjoy a quiet walk by myself for a while," I said to him. "And thank you so much for today, I really appreciate you spending some time with me. And for returning my wallet."

"Well, anytime," he said, curtly spinning slightly as he stood on the balls of his feet. "Besides, you already have my number. Call me if you need anything."

I couldn't help but feel my cheeks getting warmer.

"Of course," I replied in the most courteous tone I could ever cough up without sounding pretentious. "I hope you have a great night."

"You too," he said, with a thin smile on his lips. "Well, I'll see you the next time I see you."

With that, the two of us turned and walked off in opposite directions. Him to the station and me to Ayumi-chan's apartment.

As we walked away, I stopped in my tracks and turned around, taking a look at the young man for the last time, watching him as he stepped further and further away from me.

It was then when he, as if by some instinct turned around. When he saw me he raised his hand, a warm smile on his lips.

I waved back.

As I watched him leave again, I for a brief moment, forgot the sorrow that had plagued me.