Origami Girl

Chapter 41: Hanedanın Düşüşü I

"Throne of my lonely niche, my wealth, my love, my moonlight.

My most sincere friend, my confidant, my very existence, my Sultan, my one and only love.

The most beautiful among the beautiful..."

-Sultan Suleiman the Magnificent

The days only got colder and colder, and warmth seemed like a thing of dreams. The Siberian winds swept south, the breeze chilling anything it touched. The sun was in the sky, but it felt like it was not shining. Merely there, observing.

I met with Ayumi-chan as per normal. Sometimes Jarrett was with her, until he had to go their own separate ways. I tried to pretend like my hurt wasn't aching, and pretended everything was all right. I didn't want Ayumi-chan to suspect anything. Sometimes Jarrett and I would smile at each other, sometimes not at all. But we said not even a word to one another. It was too hard. It was easier to pretend that he was just another stranger.

She told me she went away because her grandfather passed away. She said she had been mentally preparing for it, but she still ended up taking it hard. I only told her how sorry I was that she had to go through something like that, but she told me that she was getting used to it. People die all the time, she said.

It made me feel slightly better at what I did. For deciding that I couldn't be with Jarrett. The guilt of it all would have killed me. I couldn't do something so cruel to someone who had only been kind to me. That just wasn't who I was.

"Did you tell Kashiwagi-kun about it?" I asked one day as we left our lecture theatre.

"Nah, I don't want him to worry about me," she said as she pushed her hair back. "Recently he seemed pretty down, so I just don't want to add to that."

I only kept silent. It was pretty obvious what led to him feeling that way. I was presented with a difficult choice, and no matter what I did, somebody was bound to be hurt. I just didn't want that person to be Ayumi-chan. I just didn't want to break and lose her just to chase our own selfish desires. It wasn't fair, but to be to be fair, nothing ever was.

It happened one day late in November, when the first snowflakes fell upon the city, and Ayumi-chan and I had just finished our classes. She was in a beautiful grey pea coat, with a red scarf wrapped snugly around her neck. I, on the other hand, was in my parka and ushanka Yukino-kun had given me from what seemed like ages ago. It felt nice being able to wear it again, keeping me warm from the biting Siberian cold.

"How was your French assignment the other day?" Ayumi-chan asked as we walked, her silky black hair flying in the gentle breeze. "You've got it back haven't you?"

"It went fine," I replied. "It wasn't really that hard, and I made the grade, so it's all fine."

"That's great," the young woman replied. "I'm sure you'll get by."

I paused for a moment before asking her what I had meant to ask her since the beginning of it all.

"How is Kashiwagi-kun doing?" I asked, trying to phrase my question as delicately as I could.

"Well," the young woman replied as we walked. "He seemed pretty down these few days, but he didn't really want to talk about it. I tried trying to talk things out with him, but he kept insisting that everything was fine. He took a few days off from work, but he just stayed at home and didn't really talk to me even when I come to visit. Something must have happened when I was away, but he wouldn't tell me. I'm just really concerned. Do you happen to know anything about this?"

"No, no," I muttered, the words blurting out of my mouth nearly immediately. "I haven't even met him these past few days. It's been really busy for me."

"I see," she replied, nodding her head. "Well, I just thought that if it was something that was troubling him, he might find it easier to talk to you instead."

"Actually," I said, trying to sound less awkward. "I think it would be great if you were the one to talk to him. I mean, it shows that you care, you know?"

"Well, I tried," she sighed. "But I guess it'll do no harm if I tried again."

I only kept quiet. Of course Jarrett would be sad. Of course I had hurt him, but I kept telling myself that I was only doing what was right. I stopped something blatantly wrong in its tracks, before it bloomed into something even more difficult to get out of. I'm sure Jarrett would understand.

It was only then when I noticed him. The young man was leaning against the gate, clad in a grey wool jacket, a chequered blue scarf wrapped around his neck. He shoved his hands inside his pocket. He partially covered the top of his head with a beanie, and let his lush black hair fall out. It was none other than the man himself. Shuuya-kun.

I didn't know what to do. It had been so long since I last saw him, and the last time I did, I said things that I shouldn't have. I didn't know how I could even show my face in front of him, especially after that day with Jarrett. But I knew I had to face him, and I couldn't stop running away. He was still my boyfriend after all.

"My boyfriend is waiting for me," I told Ayumi-chan as we walked towards the young man. "I'll see you tomorrow then."

Ayumi-chan looked at me, before throwing a cursory glance at Shuuya-kun who still had not realised our approach. With a slight nod, she walked away towards the gate, leaving me all alone, with only the open path separating the both of us. Shuuya-kun just happened to be looking down towards the ground, his foot making circles in the snow in front of him.

As I approached, every step felt like a gargantuan effort. It was forever since I last talked to him, and my parting words to him were less than kind. In fact, I didn't even know if he was waiting for me. He could be waiting to meet up a friend for all I knew. It was plausible that he had moved on from me, perhaps he truly decided that I was already out of his life. I wouldn't blame him for it.

I could feel my heart thump with every step I took, my footsteps lightly crunching the soft snow underneath my soles. I took a deep breath as I approached.

The young man looked up as he heard me walk closer, and our eyes meet for a brief moment.

"I-It's been so long," I finally said. "Two months."

"Yeah," the young man muttered.

"How have you been?" I asked nervously, taking a step closer. "I-I hope you've been well."

"I have," the young man said pretty curtly. "Thanks."

The atmosphere was heavy. Here we were, two people that were once so close to each other, holding each in other in our arms, but the two of us seemed like mere acquaintances now, asking each other how we've been. There was almost no life to this conversation, frozen within the thick, heavy atmosphere and the awkwardness. There was a shadow hanging over the two of us, the uncomfortable residue, the bitter aftertaste of events past. Over the past few days I had been thinking of what to say to Shuuya-kun were I to see him again, yet as I stood there, those words that I had painstakingly rehearsed in my mind ,had all but disappeared.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry about everything," I blurted out. "I said some very, very cruel things, and I understand if you can't forgive me. I just want to tell you how horrible I feel about what I've done."

With that, the words that needed to be said were out of my chest. It was as important as it was for him to hear them as it was for me to articulate. Those words having left my lips, I turned around, and my face hung with shame, began to walk away. My feet knowing not its destination, but as long as it took me out of his sight, where I belonged.

It was then when I heard him call out my name.

"Ayano-chan," his hoarse voice breaking the silence.

I immediately stopped in my tracks. I had expected him to just let me go, let me walk away. Especially not after what I've said. Especially not after what I've done. The guilt-striken soul within me felt like I deserved no atonement. I just wanted to make things right, and with that I apologised to the young man. If he accepted it and wanted to work things out with me, that would be a blessing. All I asked for was for him to know how sorry I felt. It was all that I needed. Knowing that I did what was right.

Turning around, the young man had walked up from behind, his light brown eyes peeking from beneath his fringe.

"We need to talk."

"Of course," I mumbled nearly inaudibly. "We should find somewhere more private."

"How about at home?" he asked. "I-I've come back this morning, and you were in school so I decided to wait for you here."

"Well, um," I replied, not really knowing what to say. "I guess that's fine."

The train ride home was awkward, the two of us seated beside each other without saying a word. I wanted to start a conversation at least once or twice, but it just ended with silence. I would try, turning around to look at him, but the moment our eyes met, the silence sank in. I just had to turn and face the front again, pretending nothing had happened.

Yet my mind, even as hard as I tried to suppress those thoughts, kept thinking about Jarrett. I thought about Ayumi-chan said. About how he seemed so hopeless after I left him. I remembered what he told me about wanting to kill himself last June. I remembered how he told me that he went to the top floor and took of his shoes. A part of me was afraid that he'd take the same path as Yukino-kun did, even though the better part of me told me that Jarrett wouldn't do something like that.

I remembered telling him how I would always be there for him, how he wasn't alone in this cruel world. Yet a few hours later I left him, the young man in tears. The only comfort I had in dropping and shattering what we had was the fact that I did what was right. All this while I had been selfish, only thinking of myself, of my own happiness. I suppose it is appropriate for me now to sacrifice my happiness if it means I was doing the right thing. If it meant I wouldn't be backstabbing those who were dear to me. If it meant that I wouldn't make Ayumi-chan hate me for my treachery. If it meant I had to leave Jarrett in tears. In my own way, it was my atonement for all the wrongs I've done. It's heart-breaking, but such is life in this sad, sad world.

Fate, morality, desire. These three seemed to be having a field day with this one soul called Furukawa Ayano. What a rollercoaster, this girl is, they would say. The last vestiges of my morality seemed like my only saving grace. With this thin thread to hold on to, I could accept what fate decided was to be for me. I may be sad, but I am happy that I stayed true. As I sat there beside my boyfriend, who knew not the affairs that happened within the closed doors of Jarrett's high-end condominium, I felt like I did what was only right. It was the only thing that could redeem me.

We reached our station soon enough, and the two of us walked down the street together. It felt strange to be doing it again. It had been so long since I've seen him, much less walked by his side. The weather was freezing, the northern cold biting into my skin. I wrapped my scarf around my coat to warm my neck.

"Where have you been, all this while?" I asked as the snow crunched beneath my soles, breaking the silence.

It took nearly all my strength to speak to him, the guilt and fear I had in my heart being so heavy.

"I was at my mother's house, my biological mother, I mean," he replied. "Stayed there for a while, needed to clear my head."

"I guess it must have been something rather heavy at that point to swallow," I muttered. "I'm glad it worked out for you."

"Yeah," he said.

We kept silent until we reached the door of our apartment. There were so many things I wanted to say, but their weight was unsuitable to talk about them lightly in passing. I wanted to ask him if what we had was true, if his feelings for me were like how he said it was. I needed an assurance from him, so that I may once again tell myself that I was righteous.

The apartment was empty, a cold bleak place like it had always been ever since I returned from Jarrett's place those few long weeks ago. It was clean though, as I busied myself with household chores, lest I think of the young man with the pale soft skin and charming brown eyes. It had been a painful two months, and Shuuya-kun's return felt like a relief. At least I wouldn't feel so lonely anymore. But why was I thinking of such things? The young man and I had not even settled anything with him yet, but I had already gotten my hopes up.

It was times like this in which I questioned these feelings deep inside. I could say that this slither of happiness was just the mere satisfaction with myself that I was doing something that was right. I threw away whatever hope for happiness I had away the moment I stepped out of the gate of that high-end condominium. There was no going back.

To realise that your happiness is dead, sacrificed for the good of honour, it was a really daunting feeling at first. But a little piece of you dies every day, the cavern in your empty heart grows, the vacuum sucking out any resistance. Any glimmer of hope. Any reason to see colour in this cruel world. But the truth will always stay the truth, and if my sinful happiness has been thrown out by my own doing, I had nothing left but the truth.

The truth that I had a loving pair of parents, that I had a boyfriend who needed me, that I had a best friend that had always been kind to me. I found solace in the fact that I chose not to betray them. That I did the right thing.

We changed out of our winter clothes. I slipped off my heavy coat and sported a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. Turning the heater on, the apartment grew warmer. Yet in a sense, the icy cold still lingered, refusing to be chased away.

I made myself a cup of strawberry tea from a whole box of sachets I bought at the supermarket the day before. Shuuya-kun was still in his room. But the house was silent, the only sound being the clinking of my metal spoon against my mug as I stirred the sugar in. His presence didn't seem to make a difference at all. I was pretty much used to the silence.

My aunt rarely talked much ever since her son disappeared without a trace. Not once did he call back or sent a message. He just vanished. We sort of knew where he went, being that the only other place where he could stay was at his biological mother's place, but my aunt refused to have anything to do with her. I didn't want to poke any further, lest I opened up old wounds.

As I sat there, sipping my strawberry tea, I thought of Ayumi-chan. The genuine concern in her eyes as she talked about Jarrett. That young man was lucky to have someone like her. Yet he told me that his love was only for me, the girl who was nothing compared to the fair maiden. Why was he not content? For sure love is a strange creature, bewitching men to fall for unremarkable beings, taking away the splendour from those who deserve it. Love and fate seemed to go hand in hand. For fate chooses who you love, and who you get to love.

It was a while before Shuuya-kun returned to the living room, clad in a baseball shirt and a pair of corduroys. Shifting his eyes, he eventually took his seat in front of me, before sighing deeply.

"I've been keeping some things from you," the young man began, to my surprise. "I haven't been entirely honest with you, and I'm really sorry."

"I'm sure you had your reasons," I replied, unusually calm.

The young man took a deep breath, running his right palm through his thick, black hair.

"When you asked me what those meds I was eating were for," he muttered. "I lied –it wasn't just a cold. It's something pretty long-term that I have to live with."

I had been suspecting exactly that, but I just nodded as I picked up my cup, letting him continue his story.

"You see, the fact that my father died while I was young, and all the bullying when I was in school, plus the fact that I didn't really have any friends, they were sort of the perfect recipe for a disaster," he said, fidgeting with his fingers. "My sister –or should I say, half-sister- and my mother were too busy, so I was left to fend for myself. And I couldn't take it. I guess they could have seen it sooner, I mean; I tried to drown you for goodness's sake. Not until a few boys got beaten halfway to death did they realise something was very wrong. I got detained at the hospital for a few days, got diagnosed and I have to take my pills now. I'm pretty much dependant on them to keep me calm, and they help stabilise my mood and reduces me from seeing things that aren't there."

I kept quiet for a while, the heavy realisation setting in. I've always known Shuuya-kun was different. Aloof, sad and lonely, but he never struck me as mentally ill. How blind I have been, to call myself his girlfriend, yet knew not the truth about him. In fact, I barely knew him at all. But he loved me, and that was all that mattered. I may not be able to love, but I was loved, and that was enough for me.

"I understand," I muttered, not knowing what to say. "But you seem to be improving."

The young man gave out a slight cynical chuckle.

"I don't know if I can really say that about myself," he said. "But whatever floats your boat, man. It's true I've seen worse days, but I'm just trying with whatever strength I could."

His palm was at the edge of the table, resting limply. His hands were large, much bigger than mine.

The young man sighed deeply.

"You know, it feels so. . .good to get that out. You know before this I was always trying to hide it from you, and it was pretty stressful."

I reached out slowly, and placed my palm over his. The young man looked up, his brown eyes looking directly into mine, peeking from the gaps of his fringe.

"No matter how hard it is, and how hard it's going to get," I said. "I want you to know that I'll always be there for you. If you ever need to talk to someone, I want you to know that I'm here. I may not understand much, but I can try."

The young man exhaled, letting his shoulders drop.

"Thanks," he muttered, pulling his hand away. "I'm really glad you're here."

I could only smile as I looked into his brown eyes. Those brown eyes which I had missed, having not seen him for so long.

I was at my laptop working on an essay due the following week when Shuuya-kun offered to take me out for dinner.

"We can just cook at home you know?" I offered. "I just made a run to the grocery store yesterday."

"Yeah, but I wanted it to be something special," he said as he lay down on the sofa. "It's been a really long time since we've went out together, you know?"

I only turned away from my screen, and looked at him, raising my eyebrow.

"Come on," he said, trying to persuade me. "I'll make sure it's worth your time."

I only rolled my head back limply, shooting him a curt smile.

We settled on leaving at five. Shuuya-kun told me that he knew a good place near the station, in one of the office towers. I wanted to tell him that he shouldn't trouble himself with all of this, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. After all, he wanted to make it up to me, so I shouldn't trivialise the way he felt. Men had egos after all.

I spent some time in my room going through my makeup and choosing an outfit. Since I was going for a date, I decided to try on something a little bolder for my makeup. Looking through the shades of lipstick, I eventually settled on a bright red hue, straying away from my usual shade of pink or beige. It was a special occasion after all.

It took me a while looking through my wardrobe, until I finally settled on a floral maxi dress with three-quarter sleeves. I felt that it's light pink hue with faded violet motifs was pretty nice. Funny really, wearing a floral dress in winter. Flowers aren't really the first thing people would associate with winter. Of course, there are also plum blossoms and bloom amidst the snow, but that was beside the point. Would it suit me against the white snow?

There I was again, overthinking things. But I guess that was a good sign. It was a sign that I still cared about this thing –whatever you could call the state of relations that existed between my cousin and I. He loved me, I knew that. But what about I? As glad as I was doing the right thing, being there for him, especially after knowing of his condition, but all in all I was for the most part, I was just trying to be nice. I'm not saying that I never had feelings for him entirely, but what I felt for him, or what I thought I did, was merely me reeling in from the loss from the boy I loved. I needed someone there for me, and Shuuya-kun just seemed to remind me of my precious field of snow.

But Shuuya-kun needed me, and that was what I was for. I had lived selfishly for far too long, I had my debts to pay, even if I had to spend the rest of my life living with a man I never loved. It's a tragedy, but I've accepted all the sadness of this world ever since my sweet, sweet Yukino-kun decided to hang himself. I will never forgive myself for stepping over Shuuya-kun and Ayumi-chan just to be with the man I loved. Of course, I've had my thoughts, asking whether it was worth it to sacrifice myself like that, to destroy whatever sliver of happiness I had left, but to me, I came to the conclusion that I should always put what is right above my own selfish desires.

It was then when I heard a knock on my door.

"Hey, you done yet?" I heard the young man call out for me.

His voice, snapping me out of my reverie, shocked me.

"Just a minute," I replied. "I'm almost done."

I quickly slipped on my dress, and lined my lips with the lipstick I chose. I finished touching up with a dab of blush, as well as lining my mascara. I swept my bangs to the right, parting my hair slightly off-centre, and tidied up any stray hairs with my brush. Picking up my handbag, I looked at myself in the mirror.

Strangely I felt a little nervous . It wasn't exactly my first date with the young man, but it was the first in a long while. Picking up my handbag, I took a deep breath before opening the door.

Shuuya-kun was in the hallway, leaning against the wall, fidgeting with his fingers. He was dressed sharply in a burgundy blazer, white shirt and black corduroys. His hair was combed for a change, swept to the back, parting in the right. He looked fresh. The smell of the cologne was a bit overbearing though, and truth be told I was kind of sensitive to it and nearly coughed when I opened the door. But I just tried to hold them back, I didn't want to point it out and embarrass him.

He must have heard me exit the room, as he instantly looked up.

"You look great," he muttered.

"You too," I replied, forcing a smile on my lips. "I really love your blazer. It's an amazing colour."

It's rather sad to think of it, that such false compliments roll of my tongue so easily. I never meant them, yes, it was a nice blazer, but it wasn't something I would normally say. I was just trying to be nice, and civil. But most importantly, it was yet another subconscious reminder that this young man was not the man I loved. One was dead and the other was unattainable –I would never forgive myself if I did- so he was as good as dead as well. In this sad, old gramophone record of my life, all I did was mechanically wound it up. It wasn't sadness. It wasn't dread. It was this constant feeling of emptiness that would never leave.

We put on our coats, and the both of us walked to the station. The sky was getting dark, the crimson rays of the dying sun fleeing in retreat as the curtains began to close on the day.

As we sat on the train, I noticed that he had a new silver watch on his right wrist. He had never worn such a shiny and expensive-looking watch before, and I wondered where he got it from.

"Oh, this watch?" he blurted when he noticed me staring. "This was my father's. I had it for a while with me, but I never worn it."

"It's really, really pretty," I muttered.

"You like it?" he asked, a smile forming on his lips.

I could only smile shyly in return. I myself couldn't believe if what I said was genuine. But deep in a corner of my heart, I wanted to believe that it was.

Honestly, I didn't know. I couldn't trust myself to what was true and what was false anymore. I suppose when you're too good at lying, that you even lie to yourself and believe it. It's really depressing if you think about it.

We got to the restaurant not too long after. It was one of those fancier Japanese restaurants housed in its own pavilion, nestled within a lush walled garden. Well, it would have been lusher in the spring, but the few plum blossoms against the backdrop of snow-covered rocks was pretty enough. The restaurant was rather full, but we still managed to get a table on arrival. Each low table had its own little tatami room, separated with sliding paper doors, with the doors facing the wooden central corridor left open, for a direct view to the courtyard in the middle of the building. The soft glow of a stone lantern against the snow-covered rocks had a rather calming property, if I were to be honest. The noise from other patrons at their tables perforated through the paper walls.

The two of us stepped out from our shoes and placed them by the door, before stepping into the tatami-lined room.

"My mother introduced me to this place," the young man said as we passed our coats to the kimono-clad waitress who was serving us. "Uh. . .My other mother."

"Well, it certainly seems like a pretty expensive place," I replied. "I hope the food is worth it."

"It is," he answered, chuckling. "And, well the prices are above average, but hey, you don't go to these types of places every day."

"If we go to these types of places everyday I'm pretty sure we'd be bankrupt by the end of the week," I said jokingly.

We sat down on the low floor cushions, making ourselves comfortable. The waitress told us the menu for the day, and we opted for a four-course meal made of the finest winter produce. Smiling, the waitress left the room with our order.

"So, about your mother," I began. "How was it there living with her?"

"Well, they're pretty affluent, and her husband is the head of a large company. They had a large house in the outskirts of the city, and they let me use a spare room. My step-father is a pretty nice guy, we played pool together on some nights," he said.

"You sound like you had a good time with them," I remarked.

"It was," he replied. "They're really nice to me, and they treat me like their own son. Well, technically I am. They don't have any other children though."

"Is that why you think your mother was looking for you after all this while?" I asked. "It's been. . .what, twenty years?"

"I guess, she is my mother after all," he replied. "She told me how guilty she felt when she had to leave me with my father. She admitted that wanted to abort the baby at first, but my father refused to let her, and agreed to take the responsibility. My father decided to come clean with his wife about his affair with my mother, which had been going on for about. . . two years, I think? My mother and father were basically friends since elementary school, and they kind of had an on and off relationship during their university days. But eventually my father married his wife but well, feelings don't go away that easily I guess."

"Well, I guess I'm glad you found the truth," I said. "No matter how complicated and messed up it seems."

At that point, the waitress entered, bringing with her a tea set. She poured piping hot green tea into our cups in a graceful manner, almost with a mechanical-like precision, the way she tilted her neck ever so slightly, a delicate smile on her lips. She seemed to be used to it. Like a clockwork doll.

Once she had handed the both of us our filled tea cups, she placed the teapot on the small ceramic hibachi grill by the side. Even the ceramics of the hibachi looked expensive, with chrysanthemum motifs against a white porcelain base.

In the silence we sipped on our tea. It was a strong blend of high grade deep green matcha, unlike the tea I usually drink. The thick texture of the tea was a pleasure for the palate.

"They don't have any children," the young man continued. "And they were really happy to have me around. We went out to dinner here once together, we had a really great time."

The young man had a slight smile on his lips as he talked about his real mother. He seemed happy to find out his other pair of parents. For a young man who had missed the affection of his parents for most of his time growing up, I suppose it was a reprieve.

"I don't want to sound like I'm mean, or I'm trying to accuse you of being a bad person –I mean, of course, you do deserve to be happy for once after all these long years but-"

I stopped mid-sentence, letting a deep sigh out. I didn't know if I had the right to tell him off. It just wasn't fair.

The young man's smile immediately vanished, and he placed his cup on the table in front of him without a word.

"My mother, yeah," the young man sighed. "I know I-I messed up back then. Man, I wish I could take what I said back. How was she doing in the time I was gone?"

"Not too well," I replied. "She knew you were in safe hands, but it wasn't really worry that was plaguing her, she felt betrayed. She thought her son had left her. We didn't know when you were coming back –if you were coming back. So, I hope you understand where I'm coming from. I mean, I'm not justifying what she did in keeping this whole thing from you, but wasn't she the one who had taken care of you all these years? When we get home later, I feel you should apologise to her."

The young man was silent for a while, looking down at the table.

"I know I reacted quite strongly when I found out she had been hiding this from me, and I wish I could take what I said back, but I just. . .I just wish I hadn't done any of those. And, I-I'm really sorry for hitting you. I shouldn't have done that."

"Shuuya-kun," I said, trying to take in everything he said. "Look, you have to slow down. Firstly, I've long forgiven you, don't worry about it. I'm just saying that you should be prepared to tell your mother how sorry you are to her. Don't apologise to me, apologise to her."

It was then when our first course came, bringing our serious conversation to a halt. The waitress brought a large tray with her, before coming up to our table and placing down plate after plate. Arranging the table, she finally left, and told us that the main course would be ready in about ten minutes. From what I saw, there was a plate of jellyfish sashimi, a small serving of tofu skin with water pepper, snow crab chawanmushi, as well as a plate of mussels, arranged in a triangle. Each plate was carefully garnished and arranged, just like an art piece. It's been a while since I ate kaiseki. It really teaches you how to sit down and really appreciate the food. Too often a times we often just eat our food in a hurry and go on about our day. But kaiseki is different. Course by course, plate by plate, the food, delicately arranged and garnished with an artisan's hand, you really learn to look at the food and realise the beauty in each piece.

"Itadakimas," I muttered as I picked up a clear piece of thinly-sliced jellyfish sashimi.

Bringing it up to my lips, I could smell the faint scent of the sea. Biting it, it was pleasantly crunchy, its raw taste like that of cuttlefish, but with a lighter and milder flavour. Finishing my first piece, I decided to dip the next into the soy sauce in a small platter. The combination of the sweet sauce and the raw, muted flavour of the jellyfish was amazing. It had been a while since I had jellyfish. The last time I had it was probably back in junior high school.

"I just don't know how to explain myself to her," Shuuya-kun said, after we were nearly done with our appetisers.

"You know, while we are here, why don't we go through what you can say to her?" I tried guiding him, as I finished up the last of the jellyfish salad. "I think the first thing you can do is tell her that you're sorry and give her a hug. She's your mother, she'll forgive you."

The young man still looked slightly unsettled.

"I still don't know what to say to her after that. She might think I abandoned her and that I love my real mother more than I love her. I-I didn't mean any of that I was just-"

I stuffed his mouth with the last piece of tofu skin in the plate. The young man's eyes widened in surprise, but soon his cheeks were turning red and he averted his gaze. Slowly, he began to chew.

"We're here to have a good time, aren't we?" I asked. "Your mother loves you, I'm sure she'll be fine with whatever reason you give her. Just be honest to her, and be honest to yourself."

"Thanks," the young man muttered, a shy grin on his face.

It was then when the waitress arrived, bringing with her our main course. Again in a graceful fashion, she took out dish after dish, spreading them out in front of us. There was sashimi of different kinds, two small bowls of soup for each of us, octopus with vegetables and rice. The main star of the show however was none of those. Sitting in the middle, on the largest plate, it put the rest of the dishes to shame. The giant snow crab was a sight to behold. Garnished with a side of thinly shredded ginger and water peppers, the shell of the crab was shiny.

"I didn't get to taste the crab the last time," the young man said, pulling out a leg and peeling it. "My other parents said that the snow crab here was their specialty."

"I see," I replied, as I picked up a piece of dark red tuna sashimi.

I managed to try most of the dishes, and they were phenomenal. Shuuya-kun wasn't lying when he said that the snow crab was their signature dish. The flesh of the crab was soft and sweet. It was then when I tried to dip a bit of snow crab flesh into the soy sauce when I ended up with a drip of the dark liquid on my floral dress.

"Well," I excused myself as I stood up. "I'm going to need to wash this off."

"Ah, sure," my boyfriend replied. "The bathroom is down the corridor, and then you take a left."

"I won't be long," I said, slipping into my shoes and walking down the hallway.

I walked down the long corridor, the snow-filled courtyard with its stone lanterns and boulders. The bathroom was at the corner of the building, secluded away from the dining rooms. The bathroom was spacious and wide, with stone furnishings. The countertop was black marble, and the floors dry and clean. I headed over to the sink and washed out the stain. I tried not to wet the floor, and managed to get the stain off, thankfully. It would've been a nightmare if I had let it dry and absorb.

I looked in the mirror just before leaving, making sure that my hair was alright, and that my makeup still held. I just brushed a few strands of stray hair that got unhinged by the winter breeze.

I left the bathroom soon enough, closing the door behind me.

"Hey, Furukawa-san," I heard a male voice call out to me.

I turned around, and it was a young man. He seemed familiar though. He was slightly taller than me and wore a black chef coat and an apron.

"You're from the university aren't you?" I asked, a little surprised that someone would even recognise me out here. "Umm. . ."

I squinted my eyes, trying to remember who this young man was, rummaging through my memory.

"You lent me your lecture notes, remember?" he said, chuckling awkwardly. "We both take law."

"Oh yes," I said, finally remembering. "Kurosaki-san, right?"

"Yeah," Kurosaki-san replied. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, just having some dinner, the snow crab is pretty delightful," I answered, with a friendly smile. "I take it that you. . .work here?"

"Yeah, yeah," the young man replied, rubbing his hands together. "Well, I'm just a kitchen assistant though. M-My uncle owns the place and thought I'd be better off with a job here. I mean, it's just to help with my rent and paying for school."

"Ah," I said, nodding my head. "The pay must be quite reasonable then. You help with the cooking?"

The young man only chuckled nervously.

"I'm more of the guy who does the dishes actually," he said, rubbing a hand through his hair. "I rarely help with the dishes, although my uncle sometimes tries to teach me."

My eyes skirted around, looking at the ceiling.

"Say, don't you have work to do?" I asked. "Won't your uncle get mad if he found out you were skipping out on work?"

"I'm actually on a short break right now," he replied, cracking his knuckles. "So. . . yeah."

Then there was an awkward silence. There we were, the two of us, standing right in front of the toilet doors. Awkward would be somewhat of an understatement.

"You know. . ." I said, breaking the silence. "I think I should get back to my table. It was nice metting you today."

I was about to walk past him when he stopped me.

"Hey, umm. . ." the young man started, his eyes averting mine. "I was thinking if you were free this Sunday? We could hang out, catch a movie or something. You know, just the two of us?"

"Um. . ." I blurted, the awkwardness killing me. "I'm. . . I'm just going to go back to my table now, my boyfriend's waiting for me. Yeah."

The young man's face immediately turned a bright shade of red.

"I-I'm sorry," he apologised. "I didn't know you were. . ."

"It's fine, not many people do anyway," I replied.

With that, I slipped past him and hurriedly walked down the corridor back to Shuuya-kun.

The young man was looking at his phone when I returned, chopsticks in his other hand.

"You wouldn't believe what just happened to me just now," I said, giggling as I sat back down.

"What?" my boyfriend asked, putting his phone away.

"Well," I began. "This guy I know from university, he kind of asked me out, in a sense."

The young man raised an eyebrow.

"You don't have to worry, of course I said no," I continued. "I barely even know him, honestly. Just talked to him once before."

"Well that must have been pretty awkward," Shuuya-kun replied.

"Thank goodness he backed down when I said that I was here with my boyfriend," I said. "At least he wasn't the type of guy who would go after a girl who was already taken."

"Well, thank goodness for that," my cousin answered.

We continued with our meal, finishing the courses until it was desert. Desert was a few traditional sweets in the shape of flowers, as well as a serving of fresh fruit. It was around seven in the evening when we decided to pay the bill and leave. My aunt would be home by now, and we shouldn't be keeping her waiting, I told my boyfriend. He agreed, requesting our tab, which the waitress promptly brought.

I looked at the tab, and passed it to my boyfriend. The meal, as expected, was of course expensive, but I decided not to request to split the bill, lest I damage his already wounded pride. After we were done paying the bill at the reception, Shuuya-kun told me that he had to use the restroom. I waited for him at the cosy reception area.

I couldn't help but think about him as I waited. His pale skin, his moist lips as he kissed me, his soft hair, the way he smiled. I took a deep breath, trying to shake away the thoughts of him. How I left him at the gate. How I broke his heart. They wouldn't leave me, the whisperings from the depth of my heart.

I haven't spoken to him for a very long time. Sometimes before going to bed, I think of him, about what he was doing, whether he was okay. I wanted to believe that he was strong, that he would understand, but the fear in my heart was always there.

If he was hurting, then so was I. But I live with it, I tell myself it is all worth it, as long as I am doing the right thing.

Shuuya-kun returned not too long after. He approached me hurriedly and sat down beside me. The young man was biting his lip, and his hands were trembling. His breathing was heavy, and his brown eyes stared directly into mine. Something was very wrong.

I instantly held his shaking palms, and took a deep breath. I knew he had mental issues, but he had been able to control it all this while. Surely something catastrophic must have happened to disturb him so greatly.

"W-What's wrong?" I asked. "Shuuya-kun, tell me, please."

It was all that I could say, I really had no idea how to act. My heart was thumping in my chest, filled with fear and worry.

"I –uh," the young man muttered. "I met someone in the bathroom."

"Well?" I questioned, sensing that he wasn't telling me everything there was to it.

My boyfriend exhaled deeply.

"I knocked him out cold," he said in a soft voice. "I-I didn't mean to alright. It just came over me and I-"

"Look, you have to calm down," I whispered in his ear. "Take deep breaths."

The young man did as I told, inhaling and exhaling in a slow, controlled manner.

"Okay, wait for me outside, I'm going to go check the men's restroom," I instructed him.

Nodding his head, he stood up, before walking out of the door, hugging his body tightly.

I entered the restaurant again and headed to the bathroom, walking as quickly as I could. As soon as I reached the bathroom entrances, I looked around to make sure no one was watching, before creeping into the male restroom. Opening the door slowly, I peeked in to make sure there was no one else that might catch me in the act.

There he was, lying on the ground in front of the sinks. The man was wearing a black chef coat, and a brown apron tied around his waist. It was none other than Kurosaki-san himself.

Looking back, I made sure nobody saw me before I dashed into the bathroom. The young man was unconscious, slumped against the bathroom wall. I placed my fingers under his nose. I could feel the air as he breathed out. Thank goodness he wasn't dead at the very least.

I'm sure Shuuya-kun wouldn't just punch somebody he didn't know for no reason at all. They certainly must have known each other, and had something to do with my cousin. But I've never heard my boyfriend talk about Kurosaki-san before.

Taking out my phone, I called for an ambulance. I told them that there was someone unconscious in the bathroom, and gave them our location. I stepped out of the bathroom with relief as the operator reassured me that a help team was on the way.

I made my way back to Shuuya-kun outside, walking down the long corridor past the dining rooms. It was then when I heard a chuckle which sounded all too familiar. Stopping in my tracks, I decided to trace back my steps, creeping upon the room which I heard that voice from. I heard a woman's voice as well, which I could tell does not belong to Ayumi-chan.

"It's certainly beautiful," I heard the woman say. "I still can't believe how expensive it is."

As I inched my way closer to the room, hugging the paper screen, I could make out the young man, seated across the young woman, whose back was facing me. It was no other than Jarrett himself. He wore a charming smile on his face, his eyes soft and gentle.

I couldn't recognise the woman, no matter how hard I tried to catch a glimpse of her face. Yet, as I eyed the both of them, I saw a velvet box on the table. It was open, and revealed its cushioned interior. The woman moved slightly, and it was then when I noticed what she held in her hand.

The glisten was unmistakeable. It was no other than a diamond ring.

I gasped in shock, covering my mouth with my left palm. The anger and emotion within me began to burst through the floodgates. I couldn't believe it, I just couldn't. That he had someone else all along. That his infidelity to Ayumi-chan did not stop with our short fling. That he could do this to Ayumi-chan. That he could do this to me. He told me that he loved me, that I was the only one that was truly for him. Yet there he was, another woman in front of him, ring in her hand.

And that was when our eyes met.

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

A few days before

I sat in silence, a whiskey cocktail in front of me. It was another lonely night in a lonely corner of the world. Finishing work, I headed to the nearby bar. I could go home of course, but the empty apartment would only make me think of her. The way she smiled at me as she watered the flowers that autumn day, the sun causing her hair to shine and her eyes even brighter than the blossoms around her. The way she lay down, head on my lap, as she read my medical textbooks and asked me questions in an attempt to annoy me teasingly. The tears streaming down her sweet face as she told me that she could not be with me. That she had to leave.

How cruel this world was, giving you a taste of the sweet nectar of happiness and bliss, but as you settled down into it, thinking that you finally found what you've always wanted, it snatches the red carpet from beneath your feet, sending your face into the ground.

Ayumi had always been concerned for me. She kept asking if I was alright. She noticed, of course she noticed. She noticed that there was something off, that I was lethargic. That I had no energy to go through my days. I always try her to reassure her that I was alright of course, but the longing and sadness in my heart could be unbearable on some days. I told myself that I might move on after all this, that I could settle down with Ayumi and forget about her. But I couldn't. That girl would always be in my heart.

Furukawa Ayano.

With that, I chugged down my drink. I took relief in the brief repose alcohol gave me from my problems. Ayano didn't drink. She would've hated seeing me like this. Even drowning my sorrows wouldn't work. For sure, I had become a sad, sad shell of a man. Pathetic.

"Do you mind some company?" I heard a female voice say.

I looked up, and saw a young lady, her deep black hair, slightly wavy, falling down to her shoulders. Her lips were a bright cerise, her complexion like a porcelain doll. She wore a dark maroon dress, matching with her lipstick.

She seemed familiar, but in my state of mind, it took me a while before I could match thee name to her face.

"Don't you remember me?" she asked.

"Yeah, I do," I muttered under my breath.

It was no other than Murakami Kameko.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" she said as she stood there. "May I?"

"Go ahead," I said, nodding. "I'm a bit lonely tonight after all."

"Aren't we all?" she replied, smiling.

She called the waiter and ordered a glass of orange juice. No alcohol or anything, just pure orange juice.

"I don't drink," she said once the waiter left.

"Then why go to a bar?" I asked, chuckling.

"I like the atmosphere," she replied. "It's pretty conducive for some sad self-reflection. After all, the bar is where sad people go to don't they?"

"You got that right," I said. "Where else would sad people go to?"

The young woman only giggled. She thanked the waiter and paid for her drink as it arrived.

"So, how have you been?" Kameko-chan asked. "I've never really heard from any of you since you all left Hakodate. Well, after Yukino died."

"I-I'm fine, I guess," I replied awkwardly. "I'm taking medicine at the university. Um. . . Planning on specialising in paediatric medicine. How about you?"

"Well, I'm taking a degree in fashion," she replied. "It's not as prestigious as medicine, or anything. But it still is something I guess."

"You're still modelling aren't you?" I asked her. "I may have seen you once or twice in some commercials."

"Well, I do it more as a passion," she said. "And it earns me some money, so I might as well. You got a part-time job?"

"Yeah, I got a stint at a translation service office," I told her. "Mostly translating things to English, translating from English, translating from German, well, you get the point."

"Sounds like menial work," she commented.

"It pays fine, so it's okay," I assured her.

"But aren't your parents pretty wealthy?" she asked me, tilting her head slightly. "Why do you still need to get a job if your parents can't support you?"

"I just want to live independently," I said. "Well, no harm starting now."

"You're right," she replied. "You can't just live off others forever."

There was a short silence between us, as the both of us sipped on our drinks.

"You know," she finally began, breaking the awkward silence. "I've always wanted to apologise to you for what I did. I know what I did was selfish, and I only thought about myself. I've wronged you, and I really hope you could forgive me."

I only kept quiet.

"I didn't think about how you felt," she said. "I'm not going to make excuses for myself, because it's not like it's going to change what I did. I used you, I used you to build my own confidence so I could get back together with Yukino. And in doing so, I know I caused you a whole deal of hurt."

"I've mostly forgotten about that," I reassured her. "I forgive you. Let bygones be bygones."

"I'm relieved to know that," she replied. "I know I've wronged a lot of people, especially Ayano-chan. I don't know how I can face her again. I've always acted arrogant around her, deliberately trying to make her feel unworthy, trying to incite Yukino to leave her. It's not fair. She was one of my very few friends, and I lost her just like that."

The young woman sighed, before taking a sip of juice.

"Well," I said, exhaling deeply. "She's here you know? We're in the same university."

"I know," Kameko-chan replied. "She's a really smart girl. I'm sure she'll go far. She just puts herself down so much."

"She's amazing," I replied. "She's capable of so many things."

"You're smiling," the young woman said, her thin lips following my example. "You like her don't you?"

I couldn't help but feel my cheeks get hot.

"I-It's nothing like that," I stuttered, chuckling awkwardly. "I just think she's great, that's all."

"I know you well enough, Jarrett-kun," she said, tilting her head. "I've always noticed how you always tried to be close to her any chance you've got. How you seem more genuine when you're with her. How you always steal glances when she was together with Yukino at his table. In a sense, we both had a love that can never be fulfilled. But I guess you're lucky, Yukino's dead now. I'm not saying this as instigating you to be opportunistic; it's just that I think you're capable of taking care of her you know? She seemed happy and relaxed when she was talking to you. And the three of you were always together, and she would always go to the two of you when Yukino was skipping school. She even defended you when the both of you boys got into a fight. I'm sure she has feelings for you as well."

"It's complicated right now," I told her. "She has someone, and I have someone else. And I love my girlfriend. She's great, but. . . I don't know."

"You looked really sad when I first arrived," she said. "And your face lit up when we started talking about Ayano-chan. But I guess, maybe it just isn't to be. Well, not everything goes the way we want it to, so the only thing we can do is to pick up the pieces and move on. You're a conflicted man, Jarrett. You need to make a stand. It's hard, but you can't be always on the fence like this, it'll destroy you."

It was then when a hand phone beeped, interrupting our conversation.

"I'm sorry, it's mine" Kameko-chan said as she rummaged through her handbag. "Just give me a moment."

As she checked her phone, I sipped on my drink. I looked at her, how her black hair cascaded by her porcelain face. Her long lashes as her eyes looked down. The cerise hue of her thin lips.

Ayumi had been really busy recently. She was always going about with the dreams for her firm, so much so that I just shut off my ears whenever she began rambling about how her office was going to look like, how busy she was going to be, how both her and Ayano would build the entire firm from scratch. I was hurting inside, I was yearning for someone to hold me, comfort me. Explore my options with me. In a sense, Ayumi did do that, she tried. She knew I was hurting, she noticed my lethargy. She tried to make me feel better, ask about my problems. Offered to lend a listening ear.

But how could I tell her? That my love for her best friend, the woman she trusted, the one she looked forward to seeing every day in school, was the cause of my heartache. That I tried to sleep with her? That my feelings for Ayano caused me to betray her? How could I ever tell her that? For sure I was a coward. At least Ayano had the courage to leave me despite clearly having feelings for me. When it was clear that we both loved each other. That it was clear that it was her first time being happy in a long, lonely while. She had the courage to do what was right.

It was an irony, don't you think? That she was the one who always told me that I 'always did the right thing'. That she admired me for it. Yet now, deep inside, I kept being inclined to do the exact opposite.

"Hey," I said after she finally put her phone away. "You know, I'm a really sad and lonely guy. You want to keep me company for the night?"

The young woman looked at me, a cheeky smile on her lips as she shook her head.

"We're not kids anymore Jarrett," she said in an admonishing tone. "Firstly, you have to remember that you have a girlfriend. And secondly-"

The young woman brought up her left hand. On her fourth finger was a gleaming diamond ring.

"This coming June," she said with a smile. "On my birthday."

I was left dumbfounded. It seemed only like yesterday that Kameko-chan was the delicate, beautiful girl who would agree to spend my lonely afternoons together with me. Even if she was talking about Nakayama all the time.

"Well," she said. "I have to go now. He says he has to leave the house for an emergency, so I have to go and take care of his son for him. I'll probably spend the night there. I love that little boy, one of the reasons I look forward to living."

"W-Wait, he has a son?" I blurted out, surprised.

"You'd be surprised how life works," the young woman giggled as she stepped up from her seat. "It was nice talking to you. Nice to see a familiar face once in a while."

"Could we meet again, sometime?" I asked. "Strange as it sounds, it feels like you're the only one I can talk to."

"Of course," Kameko-chan said. "There's still a lot of catching up for us to do. I tell you what, I'm free these few days, some dinner together would be nice."

"Sounds great," I replied. "I'll call you."

She was about to walk away when I stopped her.

"You know," I muttered. "How about I walk you to the station?"

"I'm taking a taxi," she said. "But you can walk me to the stand. Your company is always welcome."

We both left the bar, walking side by side down the street. The stand wasn't that far away, it was just a few metres down the street.

"So, what does your fiancé work as," I asked, curious.

"He's a banker," she replied.

I looked at her, wide-eyed in shock.

"Now don't you look so surprised," she said, a smile on her thin lips. "Your father's a businessman and your mother's family owns a five-star hotel!"

"No, no," I replied. "I was just kind of surprised."

"Like I told you," she said. "You'd be surprised how life works."

While we waited for the taxi to arrive, she took out her phone and showed me a picture.

It was her fiancé, his son, and her. The man had a slight tan, and a well-trimmed beard. His hair was a deep black and slightly curly. He had a rather muscular build, holding his son in his arms. Kameko-chan was by his side, her small palm resting on his forearm. A sweet smile was on her lips, parted slightly, revealing her white teeth. They seemed to be at the beach, the man in a bright striped polo and shorts, while the young woman had a large sunhat over her head, wearing a floral summer dress.

"This was us last summer," she said, her smile reflecting the one in the picture. "We went to the beach together, it was a lot of fun."

"How old is he?" I questioned.

"His almost forty," she answered casually.

"B-But he looks thirty!" I exclaimed in surprise.

Kameko-chan only looked knowingly at me, tilting her head, a sweet smile on her lips.

"Yeah," I chuckled, scratching the back of my head. "I get it, I'm surprised how life works."

"I'm glad life decided to give me a second chance," she said. "I'm trying to fix everything. Start anew. Not everyone gets a fresh start, you know? I'm lucky, I guess."

"You sure are," I replied.

It was then when the taxi arrived. Before getting into the backseat, she turned around one last time.

"I'll see you again," she said, bidding farewell. "It was nice talking to you."

"You too."

Her lips curled up into the sweet, beautiful smile I've always known her for. Her eyes looked directly into mine, eyes full of hope, as she stepped into the car.

I watched as the taxi drove away, disappearing into the city lights.

I thought about those eyes, the eyes of a young woman starting a new, hopeful for the future. Her light brown eyes reflecting the bright city lights. Her hope that burned through her darkness.

I supposed her hope was rather infectious as well.

o