Origami Girl

Chapter 39: Canakkale Ballad II

"In Çanakkale are rows of willows

Brave lions rest beneath them, oh, my youth, alas."

-Çanakkale türküsü, Turkish folk song

If the sun could hide behind the clouds whenever I dared step out, it would. Its rays would scurry in all directions, avoiding my flesh, not even wishing to graze it with the slightest touch of its blessing. The darkened deepest corners of my heart, devoid and lonely, was the abyss where no light ever reached.

Shame. Sorrow. Loss.

I never meant to utter those words to him. Those were forbidden feelings, feelings meant to be stashed away forever, locked away. How could I face him now? How could I ever face Ayumi-chan? Even if Kashiwagi-kun kept it a secret and decided to forget about it, I'd never be able to feel comfortable around him ever again. But who was I to say? I was in the wrong.

Yet some part of me still agreed to what I had done. It may be a slip of my tongue, but what if I had just let those feelings sink down? At the very least, he knew. He knew how I truly felt for him.

Perhaps it was a punishment for me. For what I had done. How selfish I had been, how rotten I was deep inside.

It's funny isn't it? To think that a few months ago, under the cherry blossoms he had confessed to me, only for me to reject him. For me to accuse him of pouncing on an opportunity, for me to accuse him of taking advantage of my sorrow. Yet now here I was, pouring out my heart to him, admitting to him all these feelings I had. All while he already loved another woman. There was nothing more wretched I could do. Nothing more pathetic.

Perhaps I did deserve that slap from Shuuya-kun. Perhaps he should just go all the way and beat me to a pulp. Just like how Yukino-kun thrashed his girlfriend. I always thought Kameko was a horrible person, for how she twisted her words, how she did things behind my back, how she made use of Kashiwagi-kun. But now, I couldn't help but see her as a saint compared to me. I should probably be beaten, and left on the ground as blood bled from every cut and gash, staring at the vultures above as I slowly waited for a painful death that would eventually come. But it wouldn't. I would lay there, bleeding, suffering for all time.

That was what I deserved. What I truly deserved.

I didn't go for any classes the next two days. I just lay around in my futon in the morning, refusing to get up. Yet sooner or later I would end up getting a grip on myself and got out of bed, long after my aunt had left for work. The breakfast she had prepared for me had gone cold, and I would brew myself some tea. I remembered on the first day, I had a morning lecture, and Ayumi-chan had called me. She asked me why I wasn't on campus. I coughed into the phone and told her in a raspy voice that I wasn't feeling very good. She wished me a speedy recovery, and left it at that. There was no mention about Kashiwagi-kun. I felt somewhat relieved.

Ayumi-chan's sweet voice reminded me of what a despicable creature I was. But then again, what kind of creation would even dare to betray, backstab and scheme? Here I was, confessing my love to the only girl in this city that I could call a true friend. She had always been nice to me, she was always so caring and concerned, yet here I was.

What was I even thinking when I told Kashiwagi-kun my feelings? It was never going to work out, and I knew that right even before those words even reached my lips. What did I expect, that he would just drop everything and embrace me wholeheartedly in his arms? Did I expect him to leave the girl he loved, just for me?

Truly I could never have been more selfish.

I thought I could change. I tried to change, I really did. But I guess it was harder than I thought it would be.

There was no way I could redeem myself. These selfish feelings after all, were the death of me. I knew they would only lead me to my own destruction. Yet, I couldn't help but utter those words. I thought he deserved to hear the truth, but I suppose some truths were better left locked away in the corners of the heart. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I was the cause of destroying Ayumi-chan's relationship. But that would be assuming that Kashiwagi-kun wasn't put off by my disgusting behaviour first.

But Kashiwagi-kun would always do the right thing. And the right thing meant that he should stay by Ayumi-chan. He could shirk me, he could avoid me and have nothing to do with me anymore, after what had happened, if I were to be treated like that, I suppose it would be part and parcel of doing the right thing. It was the least that I should endure for what I have done. The guilt would never leave my heart.

I'm tired of feeling guilty, but guilt seems to be the only constant in this ever-changing, tumultuous life of mine.

On both days, after I had freshened up and donned on some new clothes, I would be the one who cleaned the altar and placed the offerings. I just assumed the role ever since Shuuya-kun left. I've tried calling him once or twice, but he never answered. I stopped trying.

After I was done making sure everything was picture perfect right to the inch, I would often find myself kneeling on the tatami, my eyes locked with the dead gaze of the man in the portrait. The silence in the dead was strangely comforting.

"I've never met you," I muttered on the second day I did that. "But I'm pretty sure you were a nice person."

My voice echoed in the empty room of the empty house.

"Please forgive Shuuya-kun," I muttered. "He really loves you very much. It's just that these few days he's been having some trouble with himself, so that's why I'm the one providing the offerings. I'm sure he'll come back though. I'm just praying he comes back."

Kashiwagi-kun's black jumper was still hanging from the side of the bath. It had ceased to drip, but I hadn't had the time to run the dryer. I just left it there hanging, refusing to acknowledge that it even existed. Only those moments where I looked into the mirror and stared at my own reflection did I remember that I still had it with me.

It was two days since I last went to school, when Ayumi-chan called again. I was on my laptop, not really knowing what I was doing on the internet, when my phone rang.

"Yes, Ayano speaking," I said as I picked up.

"Are you really all right?" the young woman asked. "You're still not in campus today."

"Yeah. . ." I muttered, realising that I had told her that I was sick. "I still don't feel that good."

Well, technically I wasn't lying. I did indeed feel very horrible deep inside. There was short silence from the other side.

"Do you mind if I come over later?" she asked. "I'm free after two, so I guess you can expect me at around three?"

"Okay," I muttered. "Do you have my address?"

"Jarrett told me how to get to your place, so I'm fine," she replied. "Well, you take care, my seminar is about to start."

With that, she put down her phone, leaving me somewhat in a daze. I didn't really know what to do. I guess she must have been pretty worried for me. I didn't know what to say to her either. But what I knew was that I'd certainly feel the guilt creeping up to my heart when I looked into her face. I just had to pretend everything was all right inside.

I lay down my futon back on the tatami room floor after leaving it to dry in the sun, and messed up the blanket slightly to make it look like I had been sleeping in it. I didn't want to make it obvious that I was lying to her in the phone when she came over. Yet at the same time, I felt that I should at least make myself look presentable.

I immediately headed over to the closet, and found the pink sweater I had brought with me from Hakodate. I was about to pull it over myself when I saw Yukino-kun's baseball jacket hanging from the hanger. Pausing for a moment, I hesitantly placed the sweater away and grabbed the blue varsity jacket.

How appropriate, I thought to myself. In a time of loss and confusion like this, the sad, sad memory of Yukino-kun was the only thing that could comfort me. Truly, I did find solace in the dead. Perhaps I should join them?

But no, no. That's not a choice. That was never a choice. I could never do that to myself. I would never do that to those I love. The sight of the young man's dead body still haunted me. There was no way I could do such a thing.

He was still so young. He shouldn't have died like that, he shouldn't have just let go so easily. But perhaps he was trying, but the grapples he held on to were too slippery, and he just lost it. I still don't know which was it, and I know for sure that I'll never find out.

I was still taking in the feeling of his soft jacket when my phone rang. It was Ayumi-chan.

"I'll be reaching there in ten minutes," she said. "I hope you're not outside or anything."

"I'm sick," I muttered. "Why would I go out?"

There was a bit of a slight pause from the other end.

"Oh, right," she replied. "Of course."

Once I placed my phone aside, I threw on the baseball jacket, and headed over to the bathroom to freshen up. Noticing the black jumper and fearing Ayumi-chan would see it, I quickly tossed it into the dryer. With that running, my attention returned to my reflection in the mirror. I adjusted my hair, parting it in the middle, letting it run down from the top of my forehead. It was the hairstyle Yukino-kun liked. I opened the drawer and looked at all the perfumes I had. Some of them, to the side, were my aunt's, and there was a bottle of cologne which my boyfriend rarely used, but other than that, the drawer was almost exclusively mine.

I had brought most of my fragrances from Hakodate. It's not like they would be better off sitting about in my old bathroom without anyone using them. I looked through the bottles with their ornate glass bodies, trying to make up my mind on what to use. My eyes eventually rested on one particular perfume.

Vanilla. It's been so long since I caught the scent of it.

I sprayed it over myself. I kept spraying even though the room started to become suffocating with the strong aroma, but I didn't care. I'd do anything to cover up this stench of my rotting, hypocritical heart.

Unsmiling, I stared into my cold eyes in the mirror. These were the eyes of someone who valued not the feelings of others. These were the eyes of someone so selfish, everyone else came second. These were the eyes of someone who has blood on her hands. If I were to gouge these eyes out, could I change?

I only placed the bottle back in the drawer when I realised I had drained half of it.

I despised myself. Never had I seen a more treacherous, repugnant, disgraceful creature than I. Perhaps those scurrying critters have all cowered away, lowering their heads in shame in their lament for my wretchedness.

Yet I forced my lips to crack into a smile as I stared into those empty eyes. Heaving a shallow sigh, I left the bathroom.

Appearances. Superficial, skin-deep, a shallow window to who we are and what we want to be seen as. It was thin, meaningless. Yet these farces we put up, they are but a shield for us to cower behind, praying that the forces out of our control could accept us, viewing us for what we want to be seen as. But a slip of the foot or a strong gust of wind could make all of that for naught. Carefully treading, we adorn our faces with these masks we sometimes forget we wore. But what was the point of all this, if we knew how fragile our walls were? We were all just cowering in papier-mâché palaces against a nuclear storm. It only took a gentle caress from those gales to expose us in our bare, naked selves. Yet we still did it and continue to do so.

What a sad, sad world we lived in.

It was in this midst of self-loathing when I heard a knock on the door. It must be Ayumi-chan, I thought to myself. Putting on my smile, I walked towards the door, waiting to show her how happy I was to see her. Show.

But it wasn't the young woman I expected.

It was a gruff young man who just looked as unhappy as how I was inside. My smile slowly faded. The cold returned to my face.

"Your mother's not in now," I said as I turned to face the buildings outside past the parapet. "Maybe you should give her a call next time if you're planning to stop over."

"I'm just here to get some things," he said, his gaze not looking at me either. "It won't take long."

I stepped aside, letting him pass. He wore the blue flannel shirt he always wore, paired with jeans. I saw him glance to the side, his eyes studying my appearance rather blatantly. I just ignored him. I noticed his nose twitching slightly, probably because of all the vanilla perfume I had sprayed. Saying nothing, the young man headed over to his room, the door of which hadn't been opened ever since he left.

It didn't really matter, and I walked back into my room. I had my textbooks wide open when I tried to study earlier, and I haven't placed them back to where there were supposed to be. I didn't want Ayumi-chan to see how messy I could be.

Shuuya-kun gathered a few things of his into a box as I watched from the doorway of my room.

"By the way," I said to him as he put on his shoes. "If you're still thinking about it, the young man I was with the other is a friend. Maybe you shouldn't just assume the worst in everyone even though you're fuming mad. But thanks for the slap by the way, shows me what kind of person you are."

The young man stopped, placed his box on the floor and turned around. He merely gave me a sharp glare, saying nothing.

"Well you women surely stick together don't you?" he muttered, narrowing his eyes. "You knew about it all along, and why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't my right to do so in the first place," I said, twirling a strand of hair around my index finger as I looked away. "I didn't want to meddle with family affairs."

"But you're family too, aren't you?" he said, raising his voice.

"Not anymore, it seems."

The young man only looked at me, his lips sealed shut. The anger and frustration that was once on his face dissipated, the fierce look in his eyes cowering away. He almost looked like a lost, helpless child. I immediately regretted letting my tongue loose again. But what was regret but a futile attempt to justify ourselves over the mistakes we've committed?

"Yeah," he muttered softly as he bent down to pick up his box. "I'm a bastard, I know. Thanks for reminding me."

If I could take those words back, stuffing them back into the filthy mouth that it came from, I would. But of course, that was impossible. Instead, I could only watch as he turned his back on me as he left the house, leaving the door wide open. I could only watch his broad shoulders as step by step he walked down the corridor, getting further and further away from me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell out how sorry I was, yet I only kept quiet. I couldn't find the courage within me.

Funny, to think of it. What a travesty, this thing called me. Afraid to be righteous, courageous to wrong. How could I even live with myself?

Of all the women in the world, why did Yukino-kun choose me? Of all people, he chose this hypocritical, nefarious shell of a human being. What good was there to me?

None, there was none.

Shuuya-kun turned the corner, carrying his box. If my eyes weren't deceiving me, I noticed him shivering slightly. A split second after my boyfriend vanished, a young woman appeared, clad in a grey varsity jacket and jeans. She wore a beanie over her head, her hair flowing freely to her shoulders. In one hand was her handbag, while the other held a box in a plastic bag. She stopped for a while, turning around, probably looking at Shuuya-kun.

I wondered why, Ayumi-chan wasn't the type to look at other people unlike me. It wasn't that she was arrogant, she was just cool-headed and was unconcerned about anything that didn't really affect her. Especially if it was personal.

She wasn't the type of girl who would eye the clothes of other women, or make passing comments about the appearances of others. She called it rather 'shallow' and that she'd rather respect others by giving them their own spaces and not make them feel like they are being judged. I wish I could be like her. Truly Kashiwagi-kun deserved to be with someone like her.

"I assume that was your cousin," she said as she approached my open door. "Or boyfriend. However you want to call it."

"Yeah," I replied. "He dropped by earlier to get some of his stuff."

"Ah," Ayumi-chan said as she stood right outside the door, nodding her head. "May I come in?"

"O-Of course," I muttered, stepping aside. "Sorry for troubling you all the way here."

"It's fine," she said as I closed the door behind her. "I came here on my own accord anyway. So don't worry about it."

"Do you want some tea?" I offered, placing my house keys on the hook by the door. "I can brew some. I recently got a green tea and lemon infusion, if you'd like to try it."

"Sure," she said with a sweet smile. "That would be great."

I led the young woman down the hallway to the living room, where she took a seat on the sofa while I went to the kitchen. I deliberately coughed as we walked, and made sure she could hear me. I even pointed out to the futon in front of the altar. She didn't even raise an eyebrow, so I guess she didn't suspect anything amiss.

As I waited for the water to boil, I returned to the living room, where the young woman was looking at her weekly planner. She was always so busy, yet she found some time to visit me when she thought I was sick. I felt really bad for lying to her. Perhaps I should have just told her everything, but that would have been very idiotic of me. She was, after all, still Kashiwagi-kun's girlfriend.

"Your place is really lovely," she commented as she placed her hands on her lap.

"Thank you," I muttered as I sat down.

"Have you been taking your medicine?" she asked.

"No," I mumbled, shaking my head. "But I guess everything will be fine though."

"There aren't any pills to swallow for wounded feelings though," she said, somewhat out of the blue.

I could only look at her, perplexed. On one hand, trying to appear as if I didn't really understand what she just said, while on the other, surprised that she knew the real reason why I wasn't in school.

"You don't have to hide things from me," she said. "Jarrett told me about you and your boyfriend, and I thought that I'd like to talk to you. I'm here if you need me. I'll always be."

Hearing those words, I felt my heart swell up in a bitter sadness. I couldn't help but feel the tears swelling in my eyes. But the young woman only smiled and placed a warm, comforting hand on my shoulder.

"It's fine, just cry it out," she said in a soothing voice. "I know it hurts."

With that, I just let the tears fall, sobs turning into hiccups as the drops began to cascade down my cheeks.

But I wasn't crying because of what had happened, I had already sulked enough about it, trapped in the house for two days. The genuine kindness the young woman showed me touched my heart. It had been such a long time since anyone showed me such deep, sincere concern. Yet how do I repay her? By spitting lies in her face, putting up a pretence, and most of all, trying to take what was rightfully hers. I wept for the young woman who knew not the murky depths of my rotten heart. I wept for how far I have fallen.

She held me close to her, patting my back as my tears soaked her shoulders. I thought the girl who killed the man she had loved had been left behind. But she was still in there, festering within me, slowly engulfing me in its clasp.

The kettle's piercing screech broke the silence, and wiping away my tears, I stood up and walked up to the kitchen. Placing a tea bag into the teapot, I poured in the hot water, watching as the clear water slowly turned a dark shade of green. Bringing the cups outside, we sat opposite each other at the dining table.

Ayumi-chan placed the box she had brought along with her and lifted its lid. Inside sat eight doughnuts.

"I'm sure this'll go pretty well with the tea," she said, picking up her cup.

"Thank you for bringing these," I muttered. "It must have been a hassle bringing them all the way here."

"Don't worry about it," she assured me, shaking her head. "Here, have some."

I looked at the spread in front of me, with its assortment of flavours and toppings. I ended up opting for a jelly-filled strawberry doughnut, its pink frosting immediately catching my eye. The taste and texture did not disappoint either.

"So, the man I've met right at the corridor carrying that box," the young woman began. "That was him wasn't it?"

I only nodded my head as I bit into the doughnut.

"Ah," she muttered, placing her cup down in front of her. "He was holding back tears, from what I saw."

I heaved out a deep sigh. I guess my words truly did cut deep after all.

"Well, I'm not really too proud of myself for this," I confessed. "But we kind of had an argument and it escalated to the point where I derisively said that he wasn't a part of the family anymore."

"I see," the young woman said, her eyes on the table between us. "I guess if you're feeling guilty you should apologise as soon as you can. It's good for both parties you know? You hopefully mend someone's pain by admitting your mistakes and it helps you too since it'll stop the guilt from eating you up from within."

"Well, no matter how many times I apologise," I muttered after taking another bite into the doughnut. "I can't seem to be able to forgive myself."

"I'm sure your boyfriend also needs time," she replied. "Especially after learning of something so big all of a sudden."

"No, it's not that," I said. "I'm just like that, you know? I feel guilty a lot. Can't help but feel that this is my punishment."

"What are you saying?" came the young woman's reply. "You're a really sweet, caring person. You shouldn't feel guilty over the mistakes you've done."

I merely let out a sigh and leaned back into my chair.

"Sometimes I wish I could be a better person," I said as I picked up my cup.

"Don't we all?" came the young woman's reply. "As long as we strive to be better, things will change."

"I guess you're right," I mumbled, bringing the rim of the cup to my lips.

There was a short silence between us as we both sipped our tea.

"Anyway, are you planning to come to classes tomorrow?" Ayumi-chan asked. "I can let you photocopy my notes then, they've been some important stuff that's been discussed."

"Thank you," I replied. "I don't really know, I will most likely."

"You better," she said. "I'm going to be meeting a rather established lawyer, and I think it'd be great if you could come along. Don't worry about timing or anything, we only have morning classes, and our appointment is at half past one."

"Well," I muttered, smiling sheepishly. "If you insist."

"I've been wanting for you to come along with me for quite a few of the appointments already, but you always seem so busy," the young woman said. "So you better not hide yourself at home tomorrow, and take some notes with you."

"Are you really serious about all this?" I asked her.

The young woman raised an eyebrow as she sipped on her tea.

"Well," she finally said as she placed the cup back on the table. "If I wasn't serious about all this, then don't you think I'd just be wasting my time?"

"You have a point," I muttered. "You did take a lot of your time to do all of this."

The both of us fell quiet as I sipped on my bitter tea.

"Anyway," I pondered. "It must be nice to really have a dream, to be pretty sure of what you want in life."

"But it does get kind of constrained though," she laughed. "Knowing that you have to work within certain parameters you've set for yourself. Kind of trapping and locking yourself into your own cage."

"And you think being a free, drifting floater is a good thing?" I asked.

"Not really," she replied. "I'm just seeing things in perspective, you know? Always helps."

I guessed I was the type that liked schedules. Even when I had free time, I would feel a slight tinge of guilt that I wasn't making better use of my time. As soon as a schedule is relieved from me, I was at a loss at what to do.

"I'm not really too sure about my future, but I guess it wouldn't hurt if I jumped onto your venture," I muttered. "Well, if it's a way to secure my future, it's great I guess."

"Well then you'd better be there tomorrow."

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  

"It's going to be all right," I muttered to myself as I took a deep breath, scrambling the eggs in the frying pan. "I just have to act like myself."

Yes, that's it, I reassured myself. I just don't have to think too much about it. Besides, I won't even know if I'd even meet him.

I told my aunt the previous night that she needn't trouble herself with breakfast, and I could cook for myself. With a slightly worried expression, she reluctantly agreed.

Breakfast by myself, with a warm bowl of rice and eggs accompanied by some steaming coffee, had a subtle hint of joy in it. The sun's rays streaming through the glass door by the balcony, autumn never felt any warmer. I supposed Ayumi-chan's visit did help me a little, despite leaving a bitter, guilty aftertaste.

After I showered, I headed over to my wardrobe, looking for something to wear. I wanted to look for something rather elegant yet not too formal. Eventually I decided on a white blouse and a black pinafore. Donning on my knee-length socks, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My hair, let down to my shoulders, I guessed I looked presentable enough.

Kashiwagi-kun's black jumper sat neatly folded on my desk. I thought of bringing it with me just in case I met him. Besides, it was his sweater and by hook or by crook I should return it to him.

Locking the door behind me, I left for school. It was strange, I thought to myself the clinking of the keys resonating through the silence, to go out alone like this. Shuuya-kun and I would make it a point to take the train together whenever we had the chance. It felt like a distant, dead memory now.

I wondered where he was now. Although I did have my suspicions, I didn't want to call him. I was pretty sure he just needed some time to accept the reality of his situation. I wouldn't know what to do if I was in his place either.

Perhaps I could have handled the situation better. Maybe I could have backed him instead of my aunt. I could have, but I did not. Blood is thicker than water. She might have thrown me out if I didn't side with her best interests. Besides, I was rather indebted to her kindness and hospitality that she had shown me these past few months.

It was only right if I stood up for her.

The clouds began to gather as I walked down the street, the bright sunlight muted to a dull glow. The slight jovial mood I had earlier had dissipated, and the guilt came back with every step that I took. But I just shook it off. I had enough of feeling that way over things I couldn't control.

But the thoughts still lingered on about those that I could.

It didn't take me too long to reach campus. The train rid was curt and short, having distracted myself with looking through articles on my phone. I did basically anything to get the young Eurasian man out of my head. His light brown eyes, his pale porcelain skin: I just wanted to forget about him.

For the sake of Ayumi-chan. For the sake of Shuuya-kun.

For the sake of my own morality.

I stepped out of the train and into the crowds at the platform. I was just another soul in the sea of bodies, crushed, floating away through the tides of time. I tried to forget that I even existed, that this tainted heart existed, and let my feet lead the way.

I met Ayumi-chan by the library, like we always did. She wore a grey dress with a white knitted sweater draped over it. Her long straight hair falling to her shoulders, she looked just as beautiful as ever.

"Well," she said as I approached. "You certainly look less miserable today. Keep it up."

"Thanks," I muttered under my breath, trying to force a slight smile.

"Considering that we still have about twenty minutes before class, would you like to borrow my notes for photocopying?" she asked. "There's quite the deal you missed."

"Yeah, that'll be nice," I replied.

The two of us headed to the back of the library where they had a few photocopying machines. We had discovered the place a few weeks before, a hidden gem, you could say. The photocopying machines at the Student Affairs Centre was rather far away, and at certain times, there was a line for the machines.

The library was rather empty, with only a few of the tables occupied. I guess most people had lectures, or perhaps they just didn't have classes that day. Nevertheless the quiet was still much appreciated. We reached the back room, and opening the door, the both of us entered.

And there he was, standing by the machine at the furthest end of the room. He was wearing a black hoodie and grey jeans. The clicking of the door against its hinge made him turn his head, our eyes immediately locking. I could feel my cheeks bleding red, and I quickly averted my gaze.

"I didn't expect to see you here," the young man chuckled as his girlfriend walked over to him. "I thought you had a lecture today."

"Well, we were early," she answered. "What about you?"

"I have a lecture in about twenty minutes," he said. "I'm just copying soem stuff from a friend."

As the couple talked, I awkwardly made my way to the nearest machine and placed the notes Ayumi-chan had passed to me earlier as we walked into the scanner. Ayumi-chan was certainly very efficient.

I could almost hear my heart thumping in my chest through the sound of the machine printing out my notes. As I lifted the hood to flip the pages of Ayumi-chan's notebook, I shot a cursory glance to the young man. He just stood there, conversing with his girlfriend, chuckling as he made a joke, while collecting his notes. The black hoodie only made his skin look as soft and pale as milk. I hoped he paid no heed to me.

I was almost done with the copying when the young man leaned forward and pecked his girlfriend on the cheek.

"Well," he said. "I'd best get going now."

"W-Wait," I called out as he walked past me. "I have your jumper with you."

With that, I quickly swung my haversack to my front and fumbled with the zipper to get it open. My heart was thumping. I looked down into my bag as I pulled the jumper out. I couldn't bear to look him in the eye.

I merely pushed the jumper against him without a word.

"Thanks," he quietly muttered, before he left the door and shut the door behind him.

I quickly returned to the photocopying machine in front of me.

"Well, you washed his jumper didn't you?" Ayumi-chan asked as she walked up to me.

"Yeah," I muttered as I collected the last of the pages that were being printed out. "Well, it was my way of saying thank you, I guess."

"Oh," came her reply.

Once I had gathered everything up and returned Ayumi-chan's book to her, we made our way back to our faculty building.

I didn't really pay much attention during the lecture, merely taking cursory notes arbitrarily. My mind was preoccupied trying to prepare myself for the lunch meeting , while at the same time trying to supress the thoughts of Kashiwagi-kun. I couldn't get him out of my head. He surely wasn't how he was always with me that morning, his warmth had all but disappeared when it came to me, replaced with an awkward cold numbness. Insolently in the back of my mind, a small part of me, against the better judgement of my morality questioned if he even had the same feelings for me.

But like armed, violent zealots to a lone heretic, I extinguished those thoughts from my mind, cleansing it from this sacrilege that threatened to spread hellfire across the land. Yet the lone heretic managed to have the last laugh, despite the crowd surrounding her, stones in their angry palms.

"You're lying to yourselves," the maiden screamed, a crown of camellia adorning her hair. "You're all lying to yourselves!"

The maiden laughed hysterically as the stones started to slam against her body, her head, her arms. She fell to the ground, a pool of blood escaping her lips. The petals of the white camellias, the white fabric of her dress, they all stained red as the crimson pool crept across the cobbles.

"You've been staring at the empty screen for a while now," I suddenly heard a young woman say. "Must be pretty interesting."

"Oh," I muttered, bringing myself back to reality. "N-No, I was just daydreaming."

"Class ended two minutes ago," Ayumi-chan said, pushing a strand of hair back as she stood up. "I was just packing my stuff. Thought it'd be funny to watch you stare into emptiness."

"You have a really strange sense of humour, you know that?" I said as I packed my things.

"Perhaps that is why you enjoy my company," she replied with a smile. "Come, we wouldn't want to be late now would we?"

I picked up all I had and scrambled down the steps after her.

"So," I asked as we walked down the corridor. "Where are we going to meet the lawyer?"

"Remember the French restaurant at the hotel when I first brought you the other day?" she said. "It's something like that place, but something not as fancy. It'll do though. It's actually one of my favourite dining places. Sometimes I eat there alone when I want some place quiet to think."

"You eat alone at restaurants?" I muttered, surprised.

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that," she replied. "Do you think there's anything wrong?"

"No, it's just strange. . . eating alone," I muttered. "Don't you feel lonely like that? Why don't you just ask Kashiwagi-kun along?"

"Well it was a habit of mine even before I met Jarrett," Ayumi-chan said. "Besides, it doesn't necessarily mean that if I'm alone, I'm lonely."

I only kept quiet and walked along with her. On our way to the gates, her phone rang. Not missing a stride, the young woman dipped her hand into her bag immaculately and brought her phone out with her slim, delicate fingers. She began to speak to someone, and I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but by the familiarity and tone of her voice, I could pretty much assure that it was none other than Kashiwagi-kun.

"Where I'll be?" she spoke into the phone. "Well, do you know the French restaurant we always go to? Yeah, I'll be there until three. I have an appointment there, yeah."

There was a short pause before she spoke again.

"You really don't have to, don't trouble yourself," she said again, before pausing, presumably to let her boyfriend speak. "Fine, if you insist."

That was the end of the conversation. Sighing, the young woman placed her phone back into her bag.

"Let me guess," I said. "He wants to pick you up doesn't he?"

"Yes," she replied. "Even though I told him not to."

"Good luck with telling him what to do," I giggled. "He can pretty stubborn sometimes."

"I think you meant to say most of the time," Ayumi-chan replied, a cheery smile on her lips.

The two of us laughed.

"Well despite his stubbornness he's a really nice guy," I said. "He means well, most of the time."

"He sure is," the young woman replied. "He's really sweet."

The two of us stopped at the junction leading towards the station, the traffic light not yet in our favour.

"He does anything to make me happy, and I really appreciate it," Ayumi-chan said, as she looked up towards the distant autumn sky, the breeze blowing through her beautiful black locks of hair. "I'd do anything to make him smile."

"You're very lucky to have him," I congratulated her, partly out of sincerity and partly out of guilt.

The young woman averted her brown eyes from the opulence of the heavens, and through a cursory glance to the side looked at me, before lowering her chin.

"I guess I am," she muttered as the light turned green.

We reached the venue not too long after. It was a rather modest restaurant, neither too classy nor simple. I suppose it was a perfect location for lunch appointments. It was easily distinguishable with its black-and-white striped canopy at the shop front.

"You should try the brioche here," Ayumi-chan said as we approached. "It's exceptional, best I'd ever had."

The restaurant was pretty full, but thankfully Ayumi-chan had a reservation, so we had our seating sorted out for us. It was a little table in the far corner of the restaurant. Ayumi-chan and I sat beside each other, facing shopfront. The waiter handed us our menus. Ayumi-chan asked for a third.

"Well, I guess we're early," I muttered as the waiter poured us a cold glass of water each.

"It's just good manners dear," she replied, picking up her glass. "I was the one who invited her here to talk to us, so it'd be best if we didn't make her wait for us."

What she said was the truth.

While waiting, the two of us looked through the menu. There were many dishes which I had no idea existed, so naturally, I didn't know what to choose. Ayumi-chan recommended me the brioche with caviar, as well as a side of French-style scrambled eggs, if I didn't want something too heavy. The waiter asked us if we were ready to order, but Ayumi-chan told him that we would call him when our guest arrived.

Soon enough, a woman stepped through the door, and the waiter led us to our table. She wore a grey blazer over a white dress, her hair flowing down to her shoulders. Her lips were adorned with lovely cerise lipstick. She looked at me surprised written all over her expression, and a familiar smile broke out on her lips.

It was a familiar face, a face I had not seen in a very long time –Ms Nakayama.

"Well," Ayumi-chan said, as she stood up. "I am Yoshimura Ayumi, and this is Furukawa Ayano. I'm really appreciative that you could take the trouble to come and meet us."

I only smiled meekly, bowing a little. I kept my lips sealed despite having a million things to say to her. I didn't want to make Ayumi-chan feel awkward. From the way the woman looked at me, I was sure that she shared the same sentiments.

"It's my pleasure," the older woman said, nodding her head politely.

"Please," Ayumi-chan, said, gesturing to the seat in front of her with her right arm.

Ms Nakayama sat down silently, and the two of us followed suit. Ayumi-chan called the waiter, and he poured the older woman a cold glass of water. She looked through the menu, as I sat there uncomfortably.

She looked just like she was a year ago. Her hair, her lips, they were all perfect. She had always been like that to me. The strong woman that I had nothing but admiration for.

I really had no words to say to her, there were no words that could come from me that could soothe her pain. Beyond that immaculate exterior, I was convinced without a doubt that things were truly hard for her. Losing your own child –I don't think anyone can recover fully from that.

"Ayano-chan," I heard Aymui-chan call out to me. "What do you want to have?"

The young woman's voice pulled me out of my thoughts, bringing me back to the reality where three pairs of eyes were fully focused on me. I only batted my eyelids in embarrassment and excused myself.

"I'd take the brioche, caviar and scrambled eggs please," I told the waiter, averting my gaze.

"And what about your drinks ladies?" the young man asked.

"One hot camomile tea for me please," I interjected the moment he finished his sentence.

The other two women just had plain Earl Grey, both hot. While we waited for our drinks to arrive, Ayumi-chan started the conversation.

"So," the young woman said, sitting up straight. "The weather's pretty great today."

"It sure is," Ms Nakayama replied.

I took out my notebook, and prepared myself totake down some notes. Earlier on, Ayumi-chan had told me that I might find taking notes as something I might like to do, considering that we might learn a lot from the personal experiences of a lawyer.

"Well," the young woman began, pushing a long strand of her hair back. "If you would, could you tell us how you started your career in law?"

I listened to her reply with not so much a thought, just mechanically penning down anything I heard. I was too overwhelmed by everything that had surfaced to attach any meaning to the conversation. Here I was, seated right in front of the mother of the boy I once loved. In front of the mother whose son I took away from her. I thought I was able to move on, but seeing her right in front of me, a materialisation of my guilt, made all the feelings swamp back into my heart.

It was that moment when I saw a young man walk past the window, with a group of what I presumed were his friends. But what struck me the most was the jacket the youngster wore, a blue varsity jacket with white sleeves. He had a head full of shaggy, messy black hair. I nearly stood up from my chair and ran out of the store to touch him and see if he was who I thought he was, but he turned around, his face in full view. It wasn't him.

The guilt wouldn't leave, no matter how much I tried to move on. The scars of his lost love would stay etched on my broken heart forever.

The interview with Ms Nakayama seemed to go on for what seemed like forever. Ayumi-chan was a natural at these kinds of thing, asking questions politely and getting the answers she required. I, on the other hand barely said anything. It was a rather amazing thing to watch her run the whole show by herself. Not like I was much of a help to begin with.

Ayumi-chan asked her about her career and how she went about setting up with her job. It was rather interesting, and although I was intrigued, I still couldn't get over my emotions.

I was finishing the last pieces of my brioche and caviar when Ayumi-chan's phone rang. Ayumi-chan's plate was already empty.

"I'm sorry," she apologised. "If you don't mind, I'll have to take this call now."

"Sure," the older woman replied.

Ayumi-chan picked up the call, and despite not leaving the table, she spoke in a soft, hushed tone. From what I could gather, I supposed it was something that was really urgent.

"I'm really sorry," the young woman said as she put her phone away into her bag. "I have something really important to take off in Asahikawa and I really have to go immediately."

"Ah, I understand," Ms Nakayama said. "It must be really important."

"I'll settle the bill," Ayumi-chan as she fumbled around in her handbag.

It was then when the older woman raised her hand, and motioned Ayumi-chan's card away.

"It's all right," she said. "I'll take care of it."

"N-no," Ayumi-chan replied. "I can't do that-"

The young woman's voice was obviously breaking. Her cheeks were reddening, and I could catch the hints of tears in her glassy eyes. I guess something really bad had happened. That was the only explanation. I have never seen Ayumi-chan so emotional.

"You really seem to have something really urgent," Ms Nakayama said. "I don't want o burden you. I insist."

"Thank you," Ayumi-chan said. "You're too kind."

"It's nothing," Ms Nakayama replied. "I know pain pretty much like everyone does."

"Well," the young woman said. "Thank you so much for your time."

Next, she turned to me.

"I'll be going first," she said.

That just left Ms Nakayama and I, but I did not get up. There were a thousand words I had for her, that needed to spill from my heart. I wanted to talk to her at the funeral, but she was too busy, and my mind was in a mess. I suppose she was as well.

With Ayumi-chan gone, the older woman's lips broke out into a warm smile. I smiled back.

"It's certainly been quite a long time," she said. "I missed you so much."

"Me to," I replied. "I thought I might run into you in the city, but I never expected it to be today."

It seems that with Ayumi-chan gone, we could finally say the words we wanted to say the moment the both of us saw each other. I guess we just didn't want Ayumi-chan to feel awkward that we knew each other. We knew each other rather well, in fact.

"Have you received the package Asami sent you?" she asked.

"Yes, I did," I said, nodding my head. "Thank you so much."

"It was his favourite," she replied. "I thought you'd like it."

It didn't take much to shift the focus of the conversation to the young man we both lost. In a sense, you could say he was the one that brought us together.

"Actually," I began, pushing a few strands of hair away. "I-I just want to say how sorry I am for everything. If I knew it was going to happen I would have stopped him."

I could remember her face that afternoon as clear as day. Asami-san and I were in the living room, sobbing inconsolably. The truth was hard for me to accept, that Yukino-kun was gone. I held to Asami-san's shoulder, sobbing into her cardigan, while she held me as well. We held each other like that, for what seemed like forever, until the door opened.

Ms Nakayama came in, having taken off from work after Asami-san called her. The young woman, choking on her tears, called her mother immediately after I showed her where her younger brother was. She couldn't bear to tell her mother the news, breaking down mid-sentence after telling her that something had happened to Yukino-kun. Her mother however sensed that something was very wrong and took time off work.

I can still remember the disbelief and shock in her face as she stood in front of us. How her lips parted slightly, her eyes glassy.

"Where is he?" the mother asked, her voice frantic. "Where?"

Asami-san let go of me and stood up. Between sobs, she tried to tell her, but what came out of her mouth was nothing but muffled murmurs as the tears fell down her cheeks.

"Where is he?" the mother asked again.

The young woman couldn't answer. It was then when I stood up, wiping away my tears.

"P-Please," I pleaded with her mother, motioning towards me. "Follow me."

The older woman was silent as I took her to the thirteenth storey. As I walked down the corridor for the third time, the only sounds to be heard were my throbbing heart and my muffled sobs. I stopped by the corner and motioned it to her. Even before turning the corner, the expression on her face was pure disbelief, her eyes wide and her cerise lips slightly apart.

I can never forget it.

"It's all right," the mother replied. "There was nothing we could do."

"There are just some words I wish I'd never said to him," I muttered. "I wish I could take them back."

"We all have our regrets," the older woman said. "But we are totally powerless. There is nothing we could do about it."

I only kept quiet as I tried to gather my thoughts. It had certainly been a while since I mourned Yukino like that, recollecting all those painful memories. They were all too real to me, and they came coming back to me like the waves crashing against the shore.

"I'm sorry," I muttered awkwardly, breaking the brief silence. "I didn't mean to make it sound like it was all about me. I mean, I can't imagine what you went through. To lose your child like that, it's just unimaginable."

The older woman only sat up, and smiled gently.

"Dear," she began. "Of course. I myself sometimes wake up thinking I have to iron his clothes or make him breakfast. But he's not there. His bed is empty. His clothes untouched. But we have to move on. But I'll never forget the times my son was with me."

The older woman smiled as she looked at something in the far distance, reminiscing.

"I still remember the last thing I said to him," she continued. "I kissed his cheek as he lay in bed, just before I went off to work. Told him I loved him. I'm sure he heard me- he just grunted like he usually did. But I'm really glad those were my last words to him."

I didn't know what to say. Seeing the woman in front of me with her immaculate look and smile, broke my heart. Because I could tell that those pair of beautiful eyes must have certainly shed many tears mourning the loss of her beloved Yukino. To raise him since he was born up to he was eighteen, and to lose him just like that? I couldn't even begin to understand.

"I'm really glad to see that you are doing well," Ms Nakayama said after a while. "I was worried about you."

"Thank you," I muttered, grateful. "I was worried about you too."

It was silent for a while as we sipped from our cups. Pulling a wallet out of her handbag, she flipped it open as she looked through it.

"All the time," she said softly as she shook her head. "I think about him all the time. My baby, how could he leave me like this?"

My heart broke as I let those words sink in, as I watched the grieving mother trying to hold back her tears.

"I tried to kill myself once, when I thought I had nothing left to live for," she continued. "But Yukino was there. My baby, he was the only reason I kept going on, the reason I kept fighting. Perhaps it was my fault, he himself was the one who found me unconscious on the floor after I swallowed those pills. Who could he have learned this from, if not from me? He succeeded at what I failed."

"Please don't blame yourself," I said, reaching out to touch her hand. "You did the best you could as a mother."

The woman only smiled as she composed herself, wiping away the tears from the corners of her eyes. Opening her wallet, she took out a small photograph and pushed it across the table towards me.

"I want you to have this," she said. "I've been keeping this in my wallet for a while now, but I think you'd like it."

I picked up the photograph and held it in my hands. It was a picture of Yukino-kun by the window, the sun shining against his glistening, slightly curly hair. His face was focused as he looked down at his blue guitar, the one that we had painted back when we were young and innocent. Back when we were seventeen. His fingers were plucking carefully on the delicate strings. He wore a dark navy tee with skinny jeans.

"Asami took that shot when he wasn't paying attention," Ms Nakayama said. "He never really liked being photographed, especially when it was just him and his guitar."

"I really miss the songs that he used to play on the guitar," I said, as I stared at the boy which I had not seen for so long. "I miss everything about him."

"Don't we all," the woman smiled. "He was such a sweet boy."

"He sure was."

I brought the picture to my lips, pressing it lightly against the laminated surface.

"Thank you for this," I said, putting the photograph into my wallet. "I really appreciate it."

"We never know when we're going to lose someone," Ms Nakayama said. "You'd best remember that."

"One more thing," I muttered. "Do you know where Yukino is? His grave?"

"Oh, it's right here in Sapporo," she replied. "I'll get Asami to text you where it is."

It was then when I looked at the time on my phone, and told her that I had to leave. I said that someone was waiting for me and I had to be there on time.

"I'll take care of the bill," Ms Nakayama said as she stood up. "You don't know how happy you've made me, that we got to talk like this."

"Me too," I said, holding back my tears.

The two of us parted with a hug.

I didn't leave because I had to be somewhere. I left because my heart could not bear it anymore.

As I walked out of the restaurant, I saw as Ms Nakayama settled the bill for us. I immortalised her appearance into my mind, her perfect hair, her cerise lips, and the gorgeous dress she had on that day, it was forever etched into my memory.

It was the last time I ever saw her alive.

Three years later, as I was just starting my new job, I received a call from Asami-san. She told me that her mother downed some pills and never woke up. She couldn't bear the loss of her beloved son. The poor woman died of a broken heart.

As I left the restaurant, barely holding back my tears, I couldn't help but think of Yukino. How could he have his left his poor mother like that? He was the only one she had in this cold, miserable world. Did he not think of her? Of how she sacrificed and worked hard to support him? How she tried her best to be the best mother she could be? How much she truly loved him in her heart?

Thinking about all that was too much. As the thoughts ran through my mind, I could feel the tears fall down my cheeks. Wiping the tears away with my knuckles, I walked as fast as I could.

It was then when I felt a tug on my elbow.

Turning around, it was the last person I expected. Kashiwagi Jarrett.

"Hey," he asked, as he looked at me with his brown eyes filled with concern. "Are you all right?"

I only shook my head as I sobbed louder, the tears bursting from the floodgates.

"What's wrong?" he questioned as he placed his hand gently on my shoulder. "Ayano-chan, what is it?"

I couldn't answer him. The only words that managed to escape my mouth were a few stuttered murmurs in between hiccups.

"I'll take you back to my place," he offered. "It's not that far from here."

I only nodded my head.

He led me back to his apartment, walking briskly through the streets. My hand firmly held in his, I let him leas me as my gaze stared at the ground. I tried to avoid any eye contact with the people I walked past, my tears still flowing down my cheeks. This pain was too much.

"I was going to pick up Ayumi," he said as he activated the elevator with his key card. "But I only got her message when I got there. That's when I saw you."

"Thank you," I muttered as the elevator doors closed. "I really needed someone to be there with me."

We reached his apartment, and he opened the door for me. I left my shoes by the entrance hall.

"Well," he said rather awkwardly. "Welcome to my place."

He motioned me to the sofa where I sat down, hugging my bag. My heart was still swollen from those old wounds reopened. Yukino, why did you leave? The tears wouldn't stop pouring.

It was then when Kashiwagi-kun sat down beside me, bringing with him a warm glass of water. He placed it on the coffee table in front of me.

"So, do you want to tell me what happened?" the young man asked.

By that time, I had already calmed down considerably. Taking a deep breath I looked at him through teary eyes.

"Well," I mumbled. "I was with Ayumi-chan following her to a lunch appointment, and it turned out the one that we were meeting was Yukino's mother."

"Oh," the young man said. "I guess you must have had a talk with her then?"

"Only after Ayumi-chan left," I told him. "We talked about . . .him of course. What else could we talk about?"

Kashiwagi-kun only sat silently as he sat beside me.

"I just feel so guilty, you know?" I said, shaking my head with disappointment. "I know I can't do anything about it, but it's just. . .It's just so sad."

As if it was the most natural thing to do, I leaned towards the young man, resting my head on his right shoulder. Nearly immediately, he pulled his shoulder back, rather uncomfortably. Only then did I realise what I had done.

"I-I'm really sorry," I said, feeling my cheeks getting warm. "I didn't mean to."

"It's fine," the young man said as he stood up, before walking off to the kitchen.

I let out a deep sigh. What was wrong with me? My heart thumped in my chest. The young man still hadn't said anything about my confession. He seemed to be acting like it never happened. I don't know what to say, I don't even know if there was even going to be a reply. It's not like I expected one in the first place.

"You can stay for dinner if you want," I heard him say from the kitchen. "Well, um, Ayumi will be in Asahikawa for a few days, if you're worried about that."

I only kept quiet as I sat there on the sofa, leaning into the soft cushion. I had a choice really, I could have gathered up whatever remained of my dignity and morality and walked out, saying goodbye and forgetting it ever happened. But I did not.

I merely sat there, saying nothing as I let myself sink into the sofa. I just couldn't find the courage in myself to walk out of that door while I had the chance.

"I thought you left," the young man said when he returned. "So you want to stay over until dinner?"

"Um," I muttered. "S-Sure."

"Do you want to listen to some music or something? I have quite a few vinyl albums, if you'd like to take a look," he said as he walked over to a corner just below his flat screen television. "I guess it helps lighten the mood, you know?"

I walked up over to him and took a look. They were mostly western music, some from artists I never knew existed. It wasn't exactly a big collection, perhaps about 20 discs or so.

"Some of them are limited edition," the young man chuckled somewhat nervously.

In the end I chose a disc of some American alternative punk band from the early 2000s. I went back to the sofa as the record played. As I lay down and half-listened to the lyrics, I realised they were actually rather depressing. Oh well.

Kashiwagi-kun excused himself, and he disappeared into one of the other rooms. He said he had some things he had to settle.

I settled down onto the comfort of the sofa, and fell asleep to the deep strumming of alternative punk rock, on the sofa in the house of a young man whom I confessed my feelings to a few days before.

It was seven in the evening when I finally got up, feeling rather confused and dazed. It was already dark outside. It took me a while to register that I had fallen asleep and that I was in another house besides my aunt's.

"Hey there," Kashiwagi-kun said, looking at me from in front of his vinyl player. "You're finally awake."

"I'm sorry I fell asleep on your sofa," I said as I sat up, rubbing my eyes. "I hope I didn't disturb you or anything."

"It's fine," he said. "I don't mind at all."

"Can I borrow your sink?" I asked him as I stood up.

"Sure," the young man said, motioning me to follow him into the kitchen.

I reached the sink and washed my hands underneath the cold stream of water, reaching up and wiping my face, freshening up.

"I guess it's time to start cooking now," he said with a chuckle. "You want to help me out?"

"Sure thing," I muttered.

"Well what do you feel like eating?" he asked. "Well I just hauled in some groceries yesterday, so I have quite some stuff."

"Do you know how to cook?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.

"Try me," he chuckled.

The young man looked through his cabinet.

"Well, you have any idea what you want?" he asked as he turned around.

"I'm fine with anything, really," I said. "Honestly it doesn't really need to be too complicated or anything."

"What do you feel about garlic spaghetti?" he asked, as he took out a container filled with pasta, placing it on the counter in front of him.

"Sounds good," I muttered as I walked over up to his side.

"Garlic spaghetti it is then," the young man said.

With that, he filled up with a pot with water, before tossing some salt into it. He placed the spaghetti in it as the water boiled, the hard, rigid spaghetti slowly sinking into the boiling depths.

Honestly I wasn't really much of a help in the kitchen that day. Apart from chopping the cloves of garlic, he did most of the work, making the sauce out of olive oil, the garlic I chopped and some pine nuts, as well as straining all the boiling water out of the pot. He also plated everything and chopped a generous amount of parsley and sprinkled them over the dish.

"And you said I can't cook?" the young man said as he placed the plates on the dining table.

He had a slight smirk on his thin lips.

"Well I guess I was wrong then," I admitted, laughing.

The two of us sat facing each other, plates of garlic spaghetti between us.

"Oh, I nearly forgot," Kashiwagi-kun said, standing up from his seat. "There's something really special."

With that, he went back into the kitchen. I watched as he opened up a cabinet above the counter, looking for something. After some time, he held a large wine bottle in his hand. Placing the bottle on the counter, he took out two wine glasses from the cabinet.

"Would you care for a drink?" he offered. "It's cherry wine."

"It's fine," I refused. "I don't drink."

"Would strawberry milk be good?"

"Alright."

The young man came back to the dining table, a glass in each hand. One filled halfway with a deep burgundy wine, and mine, filled with the bright pink strawberry milk.

"Is there a special occasion or anything I don't know about?" I asked jokingly. "Congratulations, I guess?"

"Nothing special," he said, toying with his fork. "Well, shall we eat?"

"Ah," I muttered. "Ittadakimas."

I picked up my fork and twirled it, picking up a forkful of spaghetti. I rarely ate pasta without sauce, so I guess this was a rather welcome change. It was always nice to try something different.

The taste was alright I guess, the rather fresh sting of garlic smothered in smooth olive oil, combined with the burnt nutty flavour of the pine nuts, was something rather pleasant to the tongue.

"Where did you learn to cook this?" I asked as we dined.

"Well, I just taught it myself," he replied rather sheepishly. "It's nothing much, really."

"I think it's really good," I said, picking up another clump of spaghetti. "It's amazing how quickly you learned how to cook."

"I can't just keep eating out all the time you know?" he chuckled. "But cooking is kind of relaxing if you know what you're doing. I'm pretty clumsy if I try out a new recipe though."

"I'm sure you'd do fine," I commented, picking up my glass. "It's not that difficult isn't it."

There was a short moment of silence between us as we sipped on our drinks.

"Do you want me to play some music or something?" he offered, standing up. "Or we could put the TV on, if you want."

"N-No, it's fine," I said, raising my hand. "Everything's just fine. Sitting here with you, just talking with you like this. It's fine by me."

The young man sat down, holding back a muffled chuckle.

"I'm sorry," he said. "You just can be really cute, you know? I guess it is true that you like me after all, eh?"

I immediately felt my cheeks turn hot. That was the exact kind of talk I wanted to avoid, especially since it was only him and I, all alone undisturbed in his condominium. I looked down, continuing to eat in silence.

"Shit," he muttered. "I-I shouldn't have said that."

I heard him stand up from the chair, and watched him saunter over to the counter, grabbing the wine bottle and bringing it back to the table.

"You're seriously missing out," he said to me as he poured the wine into his glass, this time the burgundy liquid nearly reaching the brim. "This is some great stuff."

"Don't you think that's a bit . . . Excessive?" I asked, watching him bringing the glass to his lips.

"I feel like absolute shit," he muttered. "So I guess it's okay for me. This is my first since Christmas, so yeah."

I fell silent for a while. It never occurred to me Kashiwagi-kun who had always seemed so easy-going and fine had times that he felt lousy as well. But of course, I suppose all humans felt like that. Sometimes I just get too absorbed in myself to notice. But I guess that happens to most people, am I not wrong?

I watched as the young man downed half the glass of wine, before placing the drink back onto the table. We continued to eat our spaghetti in awkward silence. It was a whıle before the young man spoke anything.

"Actually, there's kind of a reason why I'm drinking today," he mumbled, his words slightly slurred.

"Well, what is it?" I asked as I finished the last of my pasta on my plate.

"Nanako's accident happened today," he replied. "I still feel kind of guilty honestly. I feel guilty over everything."

"Hey," I said. "It's all right. You did nothing wrong."

It seemed like the alcohol helped him lose his inhibitions. I almost felt like the young man was going to tear his heart out with his bare arms and bare it out right in front of me, as clear as day.

"The truth is, ever since Nakayama died I feel like shit," he muttered. "Everything just builds up you know? I mean, I could have helped him out more. I knew he had been. . .cutting himself and I tried to make him stop –but that was it. I could have done more to save him. And when I messed things up with you, I was just really scared that you wouldn't talk to me anymore."

I only kept quiet, trying to process the young man's words.

"Must be tiring huh listening to me whine," he said, picking up both our plates as he stood up. "I'm sure you have your own fair share of problems."

The young man walked over to the kitchen sink, washing the plates and putting them to dry on the rack by its side.

"I mean, the world is such a sad, sad place," the young man sighed. "You suffer, and then you die."

Those were words I never expected to hear from him. The young man returned to the table, with more wine.

"I hate myself honestly," he said rather cynically as he leaned against the back of his chair. "Always trying to be the hero. Always trying to be the good guy. Always trying to do the right thing. Sometimes I just feel like I'm lying to myself."

"Believe me," I said, trying to comfort the young man. "You're a good person, and that's who you are. You're not lying to yourself, no, no at all. In fact, I think you're really strong for choosing to stick to the values you believe in."

The young man chuckled as he looked at me, his cheeks blushed red.

"You sure know how to make a man feel useful and loved," he said. "Thanks for that, really. But I don't know, I'm just feeling worse than usual today."

"What's going on in your mind?" I asked, genuinely trying my best to understand where he was coming from. "If I may ask."

"It's just depressing," he began. "To realise how weak and powerless we are. We can't even protect those we love, and then we must live with the consequences –the guilt, the suffering. But then again, you're always trying to play tag with death. You try your best to shelter those you love, working tooth and nail just to not let them suffer, and bam, death just snatches them away from you. Sound familiar?"

I only nodded my head.

"But it's inevitable," I reasoned with him.

"And that's the sad part."

The young man continued drinking till late, but he seemed to be able to hold his alcohol quite well. It was nearly ten, when I decided it was time to go.

"Really," I muttered. "It's getting late, and I really should get going."

"Hey, Ayano-chan," he called out to me as I approached the door. "C-Could I ask you something?"

"What is it?" I asked, turning around.

"Could you please," he said, looking at me with those brown eyes of his. "Could you please care to spend the night?"

My heart thumped in my chest. I truly had no idea what to say, that I just stood there, not even a single word escaping my tightly pursed, nervous lips. But my body did the answering for me. I merely walked back to the couch and sat down.

"There's a few extra towels in my bedroom cabinet," he said. "I-I'll go prepare the bath."

"I-It's fine," I muttered awkwardly, stopping him just before he reached his bedroom door. "I'll just take a shower, don't worry about it."

"Ah, and I know this might seem a little awkward," he mumbled. "But I'm sure Ayumi won't mind you borrowing her clothes. I mean, you're her best friend after all, right?"

I don't think that'll actually matter, since I doubted that she would be too fond of the idea of her boyfriend and her best friend spending the night together in his apartment. As long as she didn't find out, I guess it would be all right.

Snatching a towel and a gorgeous pink long-sleeved bathrobe, I headed over to the bathroom. The garment hanging on the back of the door, I couldn't help but admire it. Its silk fabric glistened along its soft creases. The soft touch I felt as I stroked my palm along its sleeve. Its colour was also a light, muted pink, not too garish, yet very elegant.

It was a strange feeling, undressing in the house of a young man you had feelings for. My heart thumped in my bare chest as I let the water flow down my hair. What if he just barged in as I was bathing?

Fortunately, it was just my mind overthinking things. None of it ever happened. I wiped the water off my skin, draping on the silk bath robe. It was light, and the long, dangling sleeves gave a rather aristocratic vibe. I'm sure Ayumi-chan, with her grace and beauty would be a perfect fit, but to me, I guess it was well enough. I stood in the mirror as I looked at myself in another girls clothes, as I blew the water out of the limp strands of my hair, bringing back the volume it lost.

I eyed the perfumes and toiletries on his marble countertop. There was a makeup set, which I was sure belonged to Ayumi-chan, and a stick of cerise lipstick stood nearby. I spotted Kashiwagi-kun's cologne, as well as his razor and shaving cream. There was also a bottle of hand moisturiser. I assumed it was Ayumi-chan's, but it was probably Kashiwagi-kun's given how it was lumped together with his stuff, their toiletries clearly separated by the sink. Kashiwagi-kun lied his hands smooth I guess?

It was then when I heard a knock on the door.

"Are you okay in there?" he asked, his words slightly slurred.

"Y-Yeah," I replied. "I'm fine."

I opened the door and there he was, towel thrown over his shoulder, waiting for me to finish. He had taken off his black hoodie, wearing only the dark red print tee he had worn underneath. The moment he set eyes on me, I realised those pale cheeks of his turning a bright shade of red. He slipped past me and shut the door behind him.

Only after that did I realise the pile of clothes I had left on the floor: my pinafore, my blouse, my undergarments. A surge of embarrassment hit me, I nearly rushed over to the bathroom to knock it, telling him to let me in. But I went and consoled myself, telling him that he probably had seen Ayumi-chan's anyway.

I headed outside, heading over to my handbag. Taking out my phone, I sent a message to my aunt, informing her that I was going to sleep over at a friend's house, before going to the kitchen to get a drink. When I had returned, I found the young man in the living room, his hair damp, wearing nothing but a pair of grey sweatpants. There was nothing concealing his pale, sculpted torso, beads of water on his broad chest and abs.

I quickly averted my gaze, feeling my cheeks turning hot.

"I-I'll sleep in the spare room," I mumbled, trying as quickly as I could to walk past him.

But I felt a strong grip on my sleeve

"It's quite lonely to be sleeping alone today," he mumbled. "I-I don't want to be alone tonight."

I slowly turned back, facing the young man. Our eyes met for a while, and I found myself gazing into his dreamy eyes. How his lips were slightly parted, how his pale cheeks a healthy glow of pink, they all sank into me with a cryptocrystalline clarity.

I wanted to say no, pleading with him that what we were doing was wrong. That we should always strive to be on a moral high ground, that we shouldn't be doing this kind of thing behind Ayumi-chan's back, my best friend. I wanted to say those words, but they were all stuck in my throat. But instead I meekly nodded.

My heart had been hurt too many a times.

"D-Do you want me to put on a shirt?" the young man suddenly asked me in an awkward stutter. "I can if it makes you uncomfortable. It's just that I'm pretty used to sleeping with just sweatpants-"

I silenced him with my index finger to his lips. Our eyes meeting for a brief, fleeting moment, he gently kissed it. I could only giggle with a delight of a young child. It had been a while since I felt like this. The warmth of someone I loved, of someone I yearned for. The world had been far too cold. Freezing.

Just like how he pulled me out from the snow when we were seventeen, he pulled me out of that cold again, with the gentle warmth of his heart.

The young man gave a boyish laugh as he scooped me up, carrying me with both his arms. I shrieked in delight, finding a childish side of the both of us that I had never known. Our faces close, I nuzzled him tight, my cheeks brushing against his ear, his smooth hair tickling my brow. My arms wrapped tightly onto his neck, I held on to him as he brought me to his bed. My heart was beating faster than ever, the excitement rushing through my veins.

Slowly bending his knees, he placed me gently on his bed, my head resting on a fluffy pillow. The pillow that Ayumi-chan had probably slept on, the pillow that crowned her head full of dreams. And yet here I was, about to shatter them to a thousand pieces. Yet in that moment, I could not care a whit about anything else save for the two of us –Jarrett and I.

Crawling into bed, the young man turned to face me, a sweet smile on his thin lips. Switching off the lamp by his bedside, he moved in closer to me, his right hand caressing my cheek. They were smooth, almost ticklish to the touch.

"I'm really glad I bumped into you today," he said as he drew me closer to him, my head resting against his bare chest.

I could feel his arms wrap around me. I could hear his heart thumping loudly in his chest. I could feel his warm breath against the back of my ear.

"Who knows?" he whispered. "Maybe fate will be kind to us."

Us. Two grieving miserable souls brought together by sadness and suffering. How we held on to this thin thread of life surrounded by death, I will never fathom. If fate were to smile on us, surely we will be smothered with happiness and joy. For all that we have went through, we deserve it. We deserve something sweet in our sad, miserable existence. As funny as it sounds –yes, we deserved it.

"I love you, Ayano-chan," he whispered in my ear as he held me tight in his protective embrace. "I always have."

It reminded me of the time where he held me underneath the blossoms back in spring, with dying petals all around us, falling to the ground like soldiers on a battlefield. Surely, that could have been a sign no? Death brings the two of us together.

There he was again, holding me and pouring out his feelings for me. And this time, I felt the same way.