Origami Girl

Chapter 37: Autumn's Purgatory II

"Love is the kind of thing that's already happening by the time you notice it, that's how it works, and no matter how old you get, that doesn't change. Except that you can break it up into two entirely distinct types -- love where there's an end in sight and love where there isn't."

-Yoshimoto Banana, Tugumi

For sure the uneasy feeling clouding my heart the moment I saw how Ayumi-chan kissed his cheek at the restaurant should have been clear to me: yet I still fought it. But the dinner sealed everything. I didn't understand why, but the tightness of my chest hurt.

I had no place to be upset, but I couldn't help feel but a great pillar of support had been taken away from me. No, not taken –abandoned. The chivalrous knight who had always loyally rode beside me on his steed had galloped away, finding a maiden who could make him feel happy, who shared the same love he had. I couldn't help but feel that I was no longer part of his life.

"You know," the young woman whispered softly in my ear. "If he sees you staring into the distance like that, he's more likely to call you out for a question."

"Right," I replied, snapping out of my thoughts, blinking my eyes. "Thanks."

Although I couldn't really concentrate on the lecture, I pretended I was paying attention, looking up sometimes while scribbling gibberish onto my notebook. Ayumi-chan looked ahead in that serious face she wore whenever she was studying, although by the looks of it, despite her hand moving, she was merely practicing writing random words with her left hand. I couldn't help but smile.

Ever since the dinner, I had mostly distanced myself from Kashiwagi-kun. Despite her saying otherwise, I had a feeling that Ayumi-chan was rather insecure when I was near her boyfriend. Well, I wouldn't blame her, she had all the right to be. I wasn't just any other girl –I was the girl her boyfriend once had his heart.

In the recent weeks, things had been better for the both of us, the awkwardness dissipated. We were back to how we were before the whole Kashiwagi-kun fiasco entered the picture. I kept my contact and encounters to Kashiwagi-kun minimal, keeping our conversations when I bumped into each other brief and short, even when Ayumi-chan wasn't there. I didn't want to be the girl who tried to disrupt a relationship just because she had a history with a certain someone.

On the other hand, Ayumi-chan rarely brought up her boyfriend to me, and for the most part, we could avoid the subject altogether. I suppose it was all part of the ploy to fool ourselves that Kashiwagi-kun wasn't as important as either of us made him to be. But I guess it came as no surprise that I naturally slipped into it. After all, I was familiar with lying to myself. It was what I had been doing all this while, it just wasn't as clear as day to me then as it is years later, reflecting on everything.

"Do you want to have lunch together?" the young woman, in her striking black dress and forehead-covering bangs, asked me as we exited the lecture theatre. "I have something to talk to you about."

I gulped as I heard her say that. For a moment, I thought she was about to bring up the precarious subject of Kashiwagi-kun and settle it once and for all. Noticing my silence, the young woman turned to look at me.

"Well?" she asked, expecting an answer for her question.

"Yes," I replied, my heart uneasy. "I'm free."

The two of us left campus, walking out of the side gate behind the Law faculty wing. Ayumi-chan was in the mood for a sandwich, so we went to the sandwich shop not too far away. Truth be told, I had no appetite, but I just went with her anyway.

The place was a rather decent place, with decently priced food. Nothing too remarkable. It'll do.

The young woman got herself a teriyaki chicken sandwich, topped with romaine lettuce and mozzarella shavings. I got myself a Caesar salad. I watched as the young woman carefully unwrapped her sandwich, her delicate fingers removing layer after layer of crisp paper. Her nails were carefully manicured, a striking shade of cerise, matching her lipstick. She had never worn her nails with such striking red before; they used to be a muted pink. I opened up the cover of my container, peeling it off and placing it aside. Pretending I didn't notice her decorated nails, I picked up my plastic fork.

"So what is it that you want to talk about?" I asked, trying to play it cool as I picked up a piece of cabbage with my fork.

Ayumi-chan put her half-finished sandwich down, both sandwich and her palms resting on the table. She interlocked her fingers as her striking eyes looked directly at me.

"Have you thought of what you'll do once you graduate?" she finally asked.

I had the urge to raise my eyebrows, but I held myself back. I didn't know if that was a ploy to change the topic, but I just played along.

"Well," I replied, forcing a slight smile on my thin lips. "I'm planning to get a job of course."

"Any specifics?" she pressed on, unscrewing her bottle of peach tea.

I knew the young woman well enough to know that she always inquired in such a striking and direct manner, but that day, as jittered up as I was, I couldn't help but tread on with suspicion.

"A lawyer, I guess," I answered, twirling a strand of hair with my index finger. "What else could you do with a law degree?"

The young woman shook her head, obviously disappointed with my answer.

"You best start planning," she said. "It's not that easy to get a job nowadays. Do you even know what field of law you'll specialise in? Have you even thought of the firm that you'll apply to? There's just so many things you have to take into consideration."

"Well," I replied, unsure of what to say. "I don't know. I'll probably think about it."

"You'd better," she said. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."

"What about you then?" I asked. "Do you have plans? Any firms that you're planning to apply to?"

"To answer your question," she replied. "I do actually, but it's not like any other firm."

"And why's that?" I questioned.

"I'm going to set up my own firm," she said. "You know, maybe a small firm or something, nothing big."

I couldn't help but blink my eyes in disbelief. I knew from the looks of it that she was serious, but I had no idea how she was going to be able to achieve such a feat. For that moment I forgot all about the whole issue

"You know," I began, unsure of how to respond. "That sounds great. . . But how are you going to achieve that? It's not that easy a task."

"I have most of it planned out," she said, placing her sandwich down and fishing through her bag. "In fact, take a look at this."

With that, she pushed her sandwich aside and placed a black leather file onto the table, pushing it towards me.

"Go ahead," she replied. "Open it."

Curious, I brought the file closer to me, and flipped the leather cover open. Inside was a stack of papers tied together, her writing demarcating the paper in black ink. Upon closer look, I realised she had written down a page full of names, addresses and contact numbers.

"What's this?" I asked, pointing at the list.

"Well, those are the information I could gather about the lawyers who practice here," she replied. "You know, their names, contact, and office addresses."

"What do you need them for?" I questioned her, squinting my eyes as I scanned the list.

"I've been trying to contact a few of them to ask them a few questions over lunch or something," she replied. "I mean, I can't just rely on books and the internet. Besides, they might also give me advice."

"What if you don't get any of them to agree to meet up with you?" I added. "I mean, lawyers can be pretty busy people."

"Well," the young woman said, leaning forward. "It's always good to have the contacts of the other lawyers. Connections are important you know? Sometimes recommendations are the way to go."

"You're really good at this," I praised her, genuinely amazed. "It's just amazing how you could be so good at planning this whole thing out."

"Well," the young woman said, a slight smile forming on her cerise lips. "I am the daughter of a factory owner after all."

"You sure are," I replied, giggling slightly.

"Anyway," Ayumi-chan said again after a short while of silence. "I've been thinking this whole firm thing for a while now, and I don't think I can do it all by myself."

I listened attentively, nodding my head as my teeth crunched on some croutons.

"I was thinking that perhaps we could work together," she said, a small smile appearing on her lips. "What do you say?"

I put down my fork, letting it rest against the salad container. I was speechless.

"Just think about it," the young woman continued. "It'll save you from the job hunting bit, if you ask me."

"Are you sure you can do this?" I questioned, slightly worried seeing that she was trying to rope me into it. "I mean, I know you're pretty capable, but isn't that very difficult."

The young woman merely smiled, shaking her head slightly.

"Well, nothing in this world comes easy my dear," she replied. "You have to suffer for it, or you won't enjoy its sweetness."

I still looked blankly at her, still frozen by the magnitude of the question she asked a few moments before. Deciding to start a firm with her, despite the fact that I knew Ayumi-chan would probably succeed in doing so, was such a life-affecting choice to make. For the first time, it felt like it, that I had to make my own decisions. I was the one who had to think it through, not leaning against any other person to help make it for me. I had to weigh everything about the decision all by myself.

I was an adult now. It terrified me.

"You know," the young woman said, after putting down her bottle of water. "It's a big decision, so you should really take some time to think this whole thing through. It's not that urgent, so take your time."

"Yeah," I replied, nodding. "I'm sure you have been thinking about this for a whole long while now."

"Well, since I was in junior high school actually," she replied, taking the file back and placing it back into her bag.

"It must be pretty easy," I said, twirling a strand of hair around my finger. "Knowing the direction to head in early on."

"I did have my doubts," she replied. "But well, to each her own."

"But at least you have some sort of idea," I said, spinning the fork between my fingers.

"How about you then?" she replied. "Didn't you think anything through at all? Sure you must have when you were choosing your course were you?"

"Well, not really much of the specifics," I admitted. "Just the general things."

"You'll find out what you want soon enough," she said, tilting her head slightly. "You just have to search for it in your heart, no matter how cliché that sounds."

"Things are clichéd because they work," I answered. "But I guess I'll try, hope it works."

The two of us fell silent for a while, Ayumi-chan eating her sandwich as I awkwardly chewed on a piece of cabbage. Once in a while I shot her a wary glance, but it seemed like her eyes were fixated on something behind me. Something told me that the talk about the firm wasn't the only thing she wanted to talk about.

I took a deep breath after putting my fork down. The chatter of the other customers seemed to be distant at the back of my head.

"That wasn't all that you wanted to talk about," I began, nervously stealing glances at her as I clasped my palms, trying to stop my fingers from getting all fidgety. "Is it?"

The young woman looked at me, before she picked up her bottle of water and unscrewed it. I watched her intently as she sipped on the water. After what seemed like a prolonged, awkward silence, she finally placed it down and screwed the cap back on.

"You're right," she said, her eyes glancing to the side for a few brief seconds. "That's not the only thing."

I could only awkwardly look around the room, as I braced myself for what I expected to be a pretty tense conversation.

"Well," she began. "You know, Jarrett and I are in a relationship now."

"Yes," I muttered, nodding slightly. "I've seen it with my own eyes."

The young woman let out a shallow sigh, as she prepared to speak.

"I just wanted to tell you that I really like Jarrett, and I'm doing everything I can to be the best partner to him," she began. "And I know he likes me too."

The young woman fell silent for a while, her lips pursed. Our gazes met for a brief moment, before she looked down at the table instead.

"I don't want you to get me wrong," she replied. "I trust you, I want you to know that. But, it' just that. . ."

"You're insecure about Kashiwagi-kun and I?" I said, completing her sentence for her.

"Well, you could say so," came her reply. "I know there's nothing between the both of you, but the history between the two of you, I'm just really uncomfortable with it."

"Well, you do know that I already have a boyfriend," I said. "So you wouldn't need to worry about anything. But if you want, I could stay away from Kashiwagi-kun, if that's what you were about to say."

"Thank you," she responded. "That's where I was getting to."

There was a short moment of silence as the two of us awkwardly smiled at each other.

"Anyway, about the law firm," she said. "I'm pretty serious about that."

"About that," I replied, sitting up straight. "I'd really love to say that I want to work together with you, but I think I still need some time to figure out what I really want."

"Don't worry about that," she answered. "Just take your time. We still have to graduate and all those other things."

I only smiled as I finished up my salad.

I found Shuuya-kun in the living room after I had taken my shower, all dressed up in my pyjamas. The young man was lying on his stomach on the sofa, flipping through one of the novels he had on his bookshelf. Towel still wrapped on my head, I sat down at the edge of the sofa, just by his side.

"What are you reading?" I asked, stifling a yawn. "You've been reading a lot recently."

"Well," he said, still looking at his novel. "Spring Snow."

"Oh," I remarked. "By Mishima Yukio?"

The young man merely grunted in response.

I couldn't help but think of Kashiwagi-kun. If I wasn't wrong, he loved Mishima's works. It's a shame that recently I haven't gotten the opportunity to talk to him much, especially given the current situation with Ayumi-chan.

"Actually, I wanted to ask you something," I finally asked, my right palm resting at the back of his thigh.

"What is it?" the young man responded, closing his book and turning over, laying on his back now.

"I know this may sound like it's coming out of the blue. . ." I muttered. "But I just wanted to know what your plans are for the future."

"Erm. . ." he replied, frowning slightly. "To be a trained nurse of course?"

"Well, I guess you told me that before," I replied. "But what do you really want?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, obviously confused.

"Like do you have any dreams for yourself?" I said, shuffling my seat so that I was nearer to his face.

The young man stared at the ceiling for a while, his lips pursed, before he sat up and brought his eyes back to me.

"I guess I want to have a family," he said, averting his glance.

"That's great," I replied, casually adjusting the towel on my head. "I think that's a great dream to have."

I couldn't help but remember the time when he and I walked past the day care centre when I recently came to Sapporo. I couldn't help but remember his gentle smile against the backdrop of the spring snow.

"Yeah," he muttered, running his right palm through his hair, his eyes still looking elsewhere.

"You don't have to be so shy about it," I said, giggling. "I know you like children. You'll be great."

The young man said nothing, and continued to mope and brood. Meanwhile, on the other hand, I continued to not know what I want exactly. Was it friendship? Was it love? Was it a family? I didn't know. I couldn't find it in my heart what I wanted. In a way, I was kind of envious of Shuuya-kun. I was envious of Ayumi-chan. I was envious of everyone who had found what they wanted in this miserable life.

"I still don't know what I want actually," I said, without him even asking. "I honestly don't."

"You'll find it, I guess," my boyfriend groaned as he got off the couch and headed into the kitchen, pulling up his sleeves.

I could hear the running of the tap water in the background as he washed the dishes, presumably. Sinking back into the sofa, I let out a deep sigh. Fidgeting with my fingernails, I realised that there were still many things that confused me. Things that I could not understand.

I guess if one couldn't reason with the heart, one should reason with logic and rationality instead. So what, I told myself, if being a lawyer wasn't what I truly wanted. So what if it was? Ayumi-chan had just handed me a great opportunity. Sure, it was a venture, and a venture was not without its risks, but the rewards were far more bountiful. The job market was competitive enough, and it wasn't like there was a guarantee that I'd be able to land myself a job in any of the existing firms in the city. Besides, running a firm with my friend would grant me more freedom and flexibility, so I guess the answer was pretty clear for me. I just had to verbalise it. After all, a student's life was a boring one, for me at least. It would be a nice change if I could help out with whatever investigative research she was doing to survey the ground.

But there was still one thing that disturbed me though, yet for the love of everything, at that moment, I just couldn't remember what it was.

My mind went back to questioning my heart. What did it truly want? What did it desire? For all I knew, I really desired something, yet I just didn't know what it is. I was an adult now. Whether I liked it or not, when opportunities arise, as long as it was within moral boundaries, I'd be foolish not to take them.

I went to sleep that night, still trying to figure out what I truly wanted.

The next morning when I had to get up early for my morning lecture wasn't much better. Even as I brushed my teeth and sat in the bath, my mind still wandered, even though by then I was pretty much exhausted. I suppose I had to live with this empty feeling so long as I haven't found what I wanted, and abruptly came to terms with myself. I wore my dark blue dress again that day. I was just so used to it. I might as well wear it every day.

Shuuya-kun was still asleep, and I found my aunt sitting at the dining table, coffee mug in hand. She turned around as the door creaked behind her.

"Good morning," she greeted me. "You're up early."

I giggled as I made my way across the room to the kitchen. Grabbing myself a mug, I brewed myself some tea from a teabag, with the still-nearly boiling water from the kettle.

"You're having breakfast outside?" I asked as I sat down opposite her.

"Well," she replied as she picked up her mug. "I'll get some onigiri from the convenience store, and probably a bento for lunch as well."

"That sounds good," I answered. "Everybody's just so busy nowadays, convenience stores are a blessing."

"Sure it is," she said, nodding. "You have a lecture this morning?"

"Yeah," I replied. "But it's all right, I have my afternoons free at least."

"How's your first year?" she asked me. "I haven't gotten a chance to ask you yet."

"It's been fine," I told her. "There's some work to do, but it's all fine."

My aunt was about to go out, checking her handbag. I quickly finished my coffee and asked if she could wait for me and that we could go out together. She agreed.

After slipping on my floral print sneakers, the both of us set off.

It wasn't really much of a walk before the two of us had to go separate ways, but I still asked to walk with her nonetheless. There wasn't much to talk about, the both of us making small talk about the weather as we walked. We soon reached a junction and the two of us parted ways.

The train station was crowded with the packs of office workers and students, just like how it was every morning. I managed to squeeze myself aboard the train heading north. I couldn't help but squirm as the hunger pangs hit me in the abdomen. Well, it was my fault for not eating breakfast. I should've woken up earlier at least. After all this time of Shuuya-kun preparing nearly all the meals, making meals for myself had become rather strange. I wasn't used to waking up early to make breakfast, like I used to do back in Hakodate. I guess my body was getting too used to sleeping in.

I got off at my station and made my way out of there, out into the street. As the morning breeze brushed my hair, I walked down the pavement, past countless of others as each of us, squeezed into that narrow street. It was almost a miracle how we could live among millions of others yet barely interact with one another as we busy ourselves with ourselves, lost in our own thoughts, caught up in our own schedules. The silence of the morning street was the main arteries of our day, feeding us with the solitude we needed amidst the faceless crowds.

I stopped by a storefront, rummaging my bag in search of my wallet. There was a coffee shop just a few metres away, that was already open early in the morning. I always liked to have my wallet in hand before I entered the shop. I don't know why, I just liked it that way. I guess it helps me feel prepared.

A chocolate Danish would be nice, I thought as I reached for my wallet. I couldn't feel the soft, icy, cold of the skin, so I peered inside for a look. There was nothing but my notebook, folded umbrella, and pencil case. I looked through the other compartments, yet my wallet was nowhere to be found.

After thinking about it, I realised that I had left my wallet on my desk that morning while I was looking through it for my transit card. I had my transit card with me, but of course, conveniently left my wallet. I suppose I would be going hungry throughout the whole day. It was fine, I told myself. It wasn't really that long of a day after all, just a few lectures I had.

As I walked by the storefront of the coffee shop, I couldn't help but look inside. I could almost smell the scent of fresh coffee through the clear glass. If only I wasn't careless and left my wallet there on the desk, I could have walked in there and grabbed myself something to eat. Seeing that it couldn't be helped, I continued down the street.

I wasn't even past the shop when the door in front of me suddenly swung open, stopping me in my tracks. Looking up, I found myself staring wide-eyed into the light brown eyes of a pale-skinned young man. It was no other than Kashiwagi-kun himself.

The young man was clad in a rather snug black T-shirt and a pair of dark blue sweatpants, pulled up at the lower half of his shins. He held a coffee cup in his right hand, while hugging a paper bag close to his chest with his left. He seemed as surprised as I was. Had I been a step closer we would have ended up colliding into each other. And I probably would have had steaming hot coffee all over me.

"Woah," Kashiwagi-kun muttered. "I didn't see you there."

"I'm sorry," I replied, giggling awkwardly.

"You have a morning lecture today?" he asked me, after moving out of the doorway and standing by my side.

"Yeah," I replied curtly, not really knowing what to say.

"Cool," he replied, after taking a sip from his cup. "We can walk to campus together."

The two of us began walking down the street together, side by side. People would easily have mistaken us for a couple. For some reason, I was extremely self-conscious that morning, my muscles tensing up as I walked. I just wasn't as relaxed or natural around him like before. I had to consciously think of how to walk, how to reply if he said so-and-so, how to try to hide how tense I was. It was stressing me quite a bit, to be honest.

"Do you mind if I asked you something?" the young man said after a bit of small talk about the weather.

"What is it?" I replied, looking down as I observed the young man's sneakers.

It was then when I realised that both of them had come undone, the shoelaces flinging themselves in the air and dragging onto the pavement. It would be absolutely horrible if he tripped and fell on my watch.

"So, you know. . ." Kashiwagi-kun began. "You've been really close friends with Ayumi for quite a while now, and-"

"Your shoelaces," I interrupted him, pointing at his shoes. "They're untied."

"Oh," he replied, looking down. "Thanks for that."

He looked at me, his lips curled up in a slight smile. Kashiwagi-kun then walked over to the side, and I trailed behind.

"Could you help me carry these for a while?" he asked, nodding towards the bag and coffee in his hand.

"Sure," I obliged, grabbing the cup and bag, bringing it close to me.

Kashiwagi-kun knelt down on the sidewalk, as his fingers nimbly worked on his shoelaces one by one. While he was doing that, I couldn't help but smell the aroma of chocolate and baked pastries in his bag. The aroma that wafted towards me just made me remember how hungry I was, and that I haven't eaten anything since last night.

"Thanks," Kashiwagi-kun said as he stood up, receiving his purchases back.

"What did you get?" I asked as we started to walk again.

"Black coffee with an extra shot, and as for these. . ."he said, signalling to the bag. "I got myself three chocolate Danishes."

Chocolate Danishes. Just like what I suspected from the scent. I could only bite my lip.

"Would you like some?" he offered, before taking another sip of his extremely strong coffee.

"No," I replied, giggling. "But thanks for the offer though."

I wish I could have just straight up accepted his offer. Thankfully, Kashiwagi-kun was known to be a rather playfully persistent young man.

"Aw, come on," he said teasingly. "You sure you don't want any?"

"It's fine, reall-"

And there it came, the surge that had been building itself inside of me. My stomach, empty and agitated by the aroma of food, rumbled like the earth during an earthquake. It was a deep, monstrous growl, piercing through the air like a missile cruiser on full speed.

Kashiwagi-kun's pale cheeks instantly flared up as he tried his best to contain his laughter, which ultimately failed. His suppressed chuckles turned into laughter as he turned to face away. From me.

By the time he stopped my cheeks were already pretty warm from the embarrassment. I could only look at the ground in shame, mentally chastising myself for forgetting to bring my wallet. Sure, I was prepared to being very hungry that day, but embarrassing myself in front of a young man wasn't something I had even fathomed to happen.

"Look, I'm sorry," Kashiwagi-kun said once he managed to compose himself. "I didn't mean to laugh at you like that."

"Yeah, whatever," I muttered curtly under my breath.

"You know, I can't have this all to myself while you go hungry. That's just not right," he said, handing the bag to me. "You can have half of it."

"Really, you don't have to," I replied, still reeling on from my embarrassment.

"I insist," he said as he pushed the bag into my arms.

Our gazes met for a brief moment, and I could see the determination in the light brown eyes of his. He really wanted me to have it. Guiltily, I relented.

"Thanks," I muttered as I received the bag. "How much is one? I'll pay you tomorrow, I left my wallet at home."

The young man raised his eyebrows.

"Then all the more I shouldn't expect you to pay me," he replied. "Not like I wanted it. Really, I'm sincere."

I could only smile as I felt my cheeks return warm again. It wasn't the same hot flash that came with embarrassment, no, it was a soft, gentle, warmth. I couldn't understand why though. But I couldn't be bothered about it at that moment, given how hungry I was.

Reaching into the bag, I fished for a Danish, and brought it out. Nibbling onto the flaky crust, I was thankful to have bumped into the sweet young man that morning. The baking chocolate used for the inner filling was bittersweet just how I liked it.

Bittersweet.

I guess if I had to describe the young man walking beside me, sipping his thick, bitter coffee, it would be that. Bittersweet. Yes, I know, Kashiwagi-kun was a multitude of things. Noble. Honourable. Kind. He was a sweet young man, yet the most impressionable description I could think of was bittersweet.

I don't know, I guess he had his fair share of ups and downs. At the very core, I felt like he was the sort of guy who's sad yet strangely is able to take in all the good things and live with a somewhat positive attitude. He seems to be blessed with an inner strength that I could never have. He was the type of guy you could lean on, and you could always count on him to help when you're in trouble.

I guess I took him for granted.

"You know," I muttered as I finished the crumbs of the Danish. "I wanted to apologise."

"What for?" he chuckled. "For being hungry?"

I could only giggle slightly as the guilt began seeping into the empty cavern you could call my heart. How could I be so cruel to a man so kind and sweet? I know that he had accepted my apology a long time ago, but the lingering guilt in my heart would not cease.

"No," I said, handing back the bag to him. "I want to apologise for everything. About how I've been treating you."

"Seriously," he replied. "You've done enough of that already."

"But I still feel guilty you know?" I muttered, unsure how to express myself. "After all I did to you, and you're still so nice to me."

"Well, it's not like you meant it," he said. "I should have given you some space."

"But I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that, you know?" I replied, tugging at my sleeve. "I mean, I should have controlled myself at least. You were just trying to help, and I took it wrongly."

"Well grief does cloud people's minds," he said as he walked beside me. "I've never took offense."

I only fell silent, my lips pursed. I had no idea what to say anymore. He told me I shouldn't feel guilty, yet I wasn't entirely convinced. I guess that was the hard part of being the offender. Once the guilt sets in, no amount of apologising on your part can take it away.

"I told you to take half didn't I?" Kashiwagi-kun said, peering into the paper bag. "There's still one more left."

"Oh, I just took one," I replied quickly, taken off guard. "It's fine really."

"Half means half," he said, with the same conviction in his voice when he convinced me to accept his offer to share.

"Seriously," I muttered. "One's enough for me."

The young man raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. The two of us went on walking, the main gate of the campus not far ahead. I was somewhat surprised that he didn't try to persuade me to take half of the Danish or anything. Truth is, I felt bad enough for taking one, I didn't want to overstep my boundaries by taking another half, even if it was by his invitation in the first place. It just didn't feel right. It was almost like I was taking advantage of his kindness. I didn't want to be that type of person anymore.

I've seen for myself where being a selfish, deceitful, manipulative girl would get me. After what happened, I didn't want to take advantage of others anymore. I didn't deserve any bit of kindness shown to me. I was a guilty felon, deserving nothing better than punishment. How could this young man, despite all my flaws and imperfections still consider himself my friend? He even tried to take it beyond that at one point. Why? Of all people, I deserved nothing. There were so many other girls out there, with purer hearts, purer intentions, and purer souls. Girls who were innocent, free of lies and deceit. Girls without blood on their hands.

We were waiting at the pedestrian crossing right across from our university when Kashiwagi-kun nudged me on my shoulder, holding a piece of Danish in his fingers. It was the half that he had insisted on.

"Don't make me feed you," he said with a slight chuckle.

Reluctantly, I took the half he held and brought it to my lips, nibbling on it slightly. I could offer him a sad smile in response. He was too kind. He deserved so much better.

"See, it wasn't that hard," he said in a light-hearted tone.

I only nodded my head. I wish I could spend more time around him. We haven't been able to see each other much lately, and it was precisely this that made me unconsciously realise that the time I had with him was precious. It was special. He was special.

The two of us walked down the central avenue of the campus together, until we reached the Library, where I had to take a right turn and head on towards the Law Faculty Building, while he went straight ahead, where the Hospital was. He mentioned he had to do something in the laboratory that day, as we stood there preparing to say goodbye.

Honestly, I didn't want to leave him. I wanted to stay by his side, by his gentle warmth and gentle smile. I didn't want him to go. As I mouthed out 'see you later', he turned around, and began walking down the avenue.

Deep inside my heart I had the desire to call out to him, to tell him to come back. My legs wanted to lunge forward, so that I can catch up to him. I wanted to scream out his name, begging him not to go.

But my lips sealed shut, and I could only watch him disappear into the distance.

A strange melancholy flooding my heart, I trudged my way to class. I didn't understand this sadness. I couldn't.

I couldn't pay attention to whatever was being said at the front. How could I, anyway? My mind and heart was preoccupied with this sudden, albeit gradual surge of sorrow. I couldn't get the image of the young man, his back facing me, walking into distance, out of my head.

Ayumi-chan was beside me throughout the whole time, but she was busy writing down whatever that was going on in front. I really had no will to even listen that day.

My heart was aching. My chest hurt. My spirits sank to the depths of sorrow. Yet I didn't know why.

"Did something happen?" the young woman asked me once the lecture ended. "You seem so spaced out."

"Ah," I muttered, picking up my file, the pages blank despite the fact that it was left wide open. "It's nothing."

"Well, if there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you," she said as she stood up, picking up her bag and slinging it onto her shoulder.

The young woman was about to walk off, when she suddenly stopped and turned around. Fishing through her bag, she brought out her file and placed it in front of me.

"You can photocopy the notes from today," she said to me as she walked off, somewhat hurriedly. "Make sure to return it tomorrow."

By the time I picked it up and stood up, preparing to leave, she was already at the exit, disappearing outside. I wonder why she was in such a hurry for. Oh well, it must have been something important. Never had I seen her leave in such haste.

I had nothing on after that, so I suppose I just had to photocopy whatever Ayumi-chan had jotted down and be on my way. I knew I had a submission coming up, and that lecture was pretty important. Thankfully I had Ayumi-chan. She had always been a keen and observant young lady, caring and considerate, despite that aura of coldness she often gave out.

I made my way to the Administration Building, trudging my way down the stairs. There was a photocopier machine there, right behind the main office. Students were free to use it, but not many knew about it. Ayumi-chan was the one who showed me where it was. It was far nearer to the Law Faculty building than the Student Affairs Centre, where I usually went for my photocopying needs. I, for one, welcomed the change. I wouldn't need to walk far at least.

I walked past the University Hospital and the Science Faculties as I made my way. Looking at the Hospital building, I couldn't help but think of Kashiwagi-kun. I wondered when he was going home. There was a small corner of my hear longing for me to meet him again. Somehow, my time with him just now wasn't enough. I wanted to be by his side.

After finishing photocopying the notes Ayumi-chan had lent me. I headed home. I suppose I could stop by at the supermarket to get things to prepare for lunch, since Shuuya-kun wouldn't be home to cook. I wondered what would be great for lunch. I had a craving for mackerel. Mackerel grilled over the stove, coated in sweet soy sauce. Rice with miso. It's been a while since I had a simple meal. I guess once in a while, it was a refreshing change.

It was then, as I walked down the central avenue, clutching Ayumi-chan's file, when I passed the entrance of the hospital facing the campus, where I saw her. She was waiting by the glass doors, looking at her phone. Her back was facing me, so she didn't realise me approaching. I wondered: What was she doing there?

I was approaching her from behind, about to ask her what she was doing there, since she happened to be along the way of the avenue. However it was then when I saw him. I recognised him from the black tee.

I could see his face clearly. I could see the smile on his lips as the two of them embraced. I don't know why, but I froze. My legs wouldn't move, rooting me to the spot.

For a brief moment, the two of us made eye contact, his arms still wrapped around his girlfriend. It was only for a short, fleeting moment, but I was sure that he saw me. I was sure that he looked into my eyes. I felt his gaze burn.

Without even showing a sign that he knew I was there, he turned around, walking hand in hand with Ayumi-chan, laughing and smiling together with her.

Turning around, I headed for another of the campus's exits. It was slightly further away from the station compared to the main entrance, but I went for it anyway. As strange as it sounded, it pained me to see how happy they appeared together. Somehow I just couldn't bear with it. I knew it was strange feeling that way, but my chest hurt.

I tried to forget about it as I walked, but I simply couldn't.

Why? I asked myself as I briskly walked out of the campus. What was this pain that burdened my tightening chest? I couldn't answer myself.

The questions reverberated itself alongside the pangs of pain as I made it home. Alone.

As I entered the empty apartment, I put my belongings aside and went to take a bath to try to calm myself. Lapping the cool water against my skin, I sank myself into the water.

I sighed deeply as the water reached up to my cheeks. Even as I shampooed my hair and massaged my scalp, I couldn't wash away the sadness in my heart. It was useless, so I just had to accept that this sorrow and sadness was meant to stay.

I ate lunch alone, by myself. I just used whatever we had in the refrigerator and cupboards. I had planned on getting some groceries, but I was in no mood to do so. I had plain rice with miso, with a side of pickled vegetables. There was some leftover Calpis water as well, so I washed down my lunch with that. Eating lunch alone in an empty apartment with the only sounds being the traffic outside in the street below. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in a while.

Once I was done, I brought my utensils to the sink and scrubbed it under the running water. It was then when I heard the doorbell ring, the chime resonating off the bare walls. I thought it was probably Shuuya-kun, most likely having forgotten his keys. He rarely did so, but it happened from time to time.

Turning around, I caught sight of the clock. It was only two in the afternoon, and if I wasn't mistaken, Shuuya-kun only mentioned that he was leaving campus at four. Well, I guess it could be someone else. But who would bother to come all the way to our tiny apartment?

I approached the door and pulled it open slowly, peering from behind.

There in the corridor was a woman, roughly around the age of my aunt. Perhaps slightly younger. She was dressed in a black silk shirt dress, her slightly wavy black hair falling elegantly on her shoulders. Her lips were stained with a faint pink. Her eyes were fixated on a piece of paper in her petite hands, but looked up when she realised that I was standing there.

"Ah," she said, looking straight at me. "Forgive me for disturbing, but is this the Tanokura residence?"

Her voice was sweet and melodious, like a nightingale in the spring breeze. Her manner gentle like the silk of her dress.

"Y-yes," I muttered in reply. "It is."

"Is Tanokura Shuuya at home right now?" she asked. "If I may, I'd be very pleased if I was able to meet him."

"Well," I mustered a reply. "He's not at home right now, do you mind if I take a message for him?"

"In that case," the woman said, rummaging for something inside her brown leather handbag. "Please give him this."

She held out a business card, between her delicate, manicured fingernails. Accepting the card with both hands, I placed it on the shoe cabinet by the door.

"I will," I muttered, a somewhat ominous feeling shrouding my already-burdened chest.

"Thank you."

With that, the fair woman turned around and retreated down the corridor, the sound of her heels clicking against the dull concrete echoing against the walls. Watching her turn into the lift lobby and hearing the ding of the lift upon its arrival, I closed the door and returned back inside, card in my hand.

Lying belly down on the sofa, I examined the card. The faded sense of sadness had been replaced by an ever-increasing sensation of curiosity. Her name was Hanamura Yoshiko. Alongside her name is that of who I presumed to be her husband, Hanamura Ken. Below those was their shared address, as well their respective contact numbers. They seemed to run a business of some sort, but I couldn't really tell what they did just from its name.

I could only wonder why they would want to meet with my boyfriend. It could only be something very serious. As far as I knew, Shuuya-kun didn't really have much contact outside of home and work. Something seemed very, very strange.

I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning the house, mopping and sweeping the floor, dusting the cabinets with a feather duster. I was up cleaning the tatami room, vacuuming the tatami, when I noticed something rather peculiar with the altar. For some reason, the offering cup holding the water, which was usually filled, was strangely empty. I guessed Shuuya-kun must have forgotten about it, which was pretty peculiar in itself, given how my boyfriend would never forget to place the offerings every morning. I initially thought nothing of it, but eventually I picked up the small porcelain cup and filled it with water myself, before placing it back at the altar.

It wasn't until it was around four in the afternoon when I heard the sound of keys and the door slowly opening. I was folding my clothes in my room, and thinking it was Shuuya-kun, took the card with me and went out to the hallway to meet him.

But it wasn't Shuuya-kun. It was my aunt.

"Ah," I blurted out the moment she caught sight of me. "Welcome back."

The older woman only smiled at me as she took of her shoes and hung her keys by the door. She seemed pretty exhausted, judging by the worn-out expression on her face. I guess dealing with children was kind of tiring.

"I'm going to brew some tea," I said. "Do you want some?"

"That would be great," she replied with a smile.

There was no hot water left in the thermos, so I had to boil some. I finished off folding my clothes while I waited, and finally returned to the kitchen when I heard the high-pitched whistle of the steam blowing. I was in the mood for some Earl Grey, and squeezed a slice of lemon into both cups. I also added some sugar, dropping a teaspoon into each, watching the crystals sink and dissolve into the dark, aromatic liquid.

It had been quite some time since I drank English tea with sugar in it, having been accustomed to the bitter taste of plain green tea. But I supposed I could use something sweet once in a while. And me, feeling a little sad that day, felt absolutely so.

I left both of them on the dining table while there was still steam rising from them, and took out the card the lady had given me earlier and fiddled with it while I lay on the sofa. My aunt soon came out of the bath, dressed in more comfortable clothes.

"You usually drink green tea, don't you?" she asked as she sat at the table, seemingly surprised.

"Well I do," I replied, sitting up. "I just felt like some Earl Grey would have been perfect for today."

I walked over to the table to join her.

"How was your day?" I asked as I picked up my cup.

"It's been okay," she replied. "Nothing really exciting happens nowadays."

"You look pretty exhausted," I commented.

"Exactly," she said, putting down her cup with a slight clink. "Mundane things make people tired. You never see people yawning away on something exciting –say a roller coaster ride– would you now?"

I giggled slightly as I brought the brim to my lips. The tea was still rather hot, but it was fine. The lemon, sugar and tea all worked out well in the end, a bittersweet concoction to help ease the pain in my chest.

"How about you?" my aunt asked. "Did anything of note happened to you today?"

I fell silent as I placed my cup back on the table.

I couldn't help but remember the sight of Ayumi-chan and Kashiwagi-kun walking down the avenue hand in hand. Nonetheless, I forced my lips into a sweet smile. I immediately tried to take my mind away from that sight by bringing up something else.

"Well, taking about things of note," I said, taking the business card out of my pocket and placed it on the table. "This lady came over just now and left this. Said she was looking for Shuuya-kun."

My aunt picked up the card and brought it closer to her. The calm, composed expression on her face suddenly took a turn, her eyes widening and her eyebrows frowning. The look she gave me when she looked up clearly showed the distress on her face.

"What's wrong?" I muttered, almost immediately regretting bringing it up.

"It's all right," she finally said, placing the card away. "Do you mind if I ask you a favour?"

"Of course," I replied, slightly worried.

"Well, for one," she began. "Please don't let Shuuya know about this. Please don't even mention it to him that someone came. It's important that he doesn't know."

I only nodded my head, silently agreeing without any questions asked. I was sure it was a private family affair, and that was the last thing I wanted to mess with.

"I'll explain it to you another time," she said, apparently noting my silenced doubt and confusion. "For now I have to clear my head."

With that, she picked up her empty cup and left for the kitchen. Whatever that was on her mind, it must have been pretty serious. I tried to forget about it, but the curiosity still bugged me.

Shuuya-kun returned that evening just like usual. My aunt had called him earlier when he was on the way home telling him to buy some take-out for dinner, since there was nothing much to cook with. I went out of my room and into the hallway to see him, just like any other time he came home. I was always the first one to meet him, in a way it was sort of a habit. I was like an eager, overworked housewife receiving her salaryman husband after a long day at the office.

"Welcome back," I said walking up to him, offering to bring the food to the dinner table.

"No, it's fine," he responded, although rather curtly.

Kicking away his shoes, he stepped into the hallway and sauntered into the living room without another word. Sighing, I bent down and picked up his shoes, placing them neatly against mine. Recently my boyfriend seemed more irritable than usual, and he kept to himself most of the time. It didn't help that I was also feeling down most of the time recently, ever since I got to know about Kashiwagi-kun's and Ayumi-chan's newfound love.

I couldn't help but compare myself to those two. They seem so close to each other. I know that there must have at least been something between Shuuya-kun and I, but I just felt like the harder I tried, the harder it was for me to close the invisible gap between us. Sure, he was a pretty nice guy, but despite me trying to deny it, something didn't feel right about what we had between us. There was this gradual sense of dread having to wait hours to finally be able to see him again, and most of the time which I do, he's tired, and usually in an apprehensive mood.

I guess romance isn't the most practical thing when it comes to maintaining a stable relationship, but seeing the two closest friends I had in this city enjoy each other's company so much stirred up a bitter feeling in my mouth. Seeing the two of them even just huddle close to each other as they cooked together made me question the situation I was in. Shuuya-kun rarely let me cook together with him, and for the most part now, he just made the meals himself.

We do have our moments, short and fleeting, but surely there was something more to this. Our routines seemed monotonous, automatic –almost reactionary. I don't think either of us were even putting in any effort anymore, after these few months. With summertime gone, so did the fleeting euphoria of a newly-founded relationship. All that was left now was the monotony and tugging of everyday life, and the harsh realities they held.

The three of us had dinner together that night, eating the unagi and rice sets my boyfriend bought for all of us directly from their plastic containers. My aunt and her son shared a few snippets of conversation here and there, and I for the most part was confined to my own thoughts. My aunt and I shared a look, almost as if it was a silent agreement reminding ourselves not to mention the incident in the afternoon to him. I merely ate my dinner in silence, picking up clumps of sticky rice with my chopsticks.

It was later that night, when my aunt told her son to go out and get some things from the convenience store, to which I decided to tag along. It had been quite a while since I did that. I guess it would be a nice chance for me to spend some more time with him again, make me feel and revive the euphoria he had brought out from within my depths not too long before. At the same time, I was also trying to cheer him up in some way too, seeing how rather stressed he had appeared to be in recently. I was his girlfriend, if there were any problems of some sort, he should be able to talk to me.

"I sure hope you don't mind me tagging along," I said as I approached him. "I'd like to get some fresh air."

The young man merely grunted as he got ready, and I myself got myself ready as well.

It was a cool autumn night, the temperatures beginning to drop. I had put on a coat over my clothes, while my boyfriend had on a neon blue windbreaker. The streetlights illuminated the otherwise gloomy street. It must have been drizzling earlier, for there were shallow puddles on the street.

"So," I said, trying to start a conversation. "How has things been going?"

"It's pretty tiring," he muttered. "I guess."

The young man stuffed his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants as his gaze fixated on the asphalt ground.

"But at least you're still on a break from your work attachment," I muttered.

"Yeah," he responded, shrugging his shoulders. "But still, I'm exhausted."

I only kept quiet, walking by his side as we headed down the street to the grocery store. The night-time street was quiet, but of course, given that Sapporo was a rather large city, there were still a few occasional pedestrians and office workers, a much bigger improvement when compared to the bleak empty streets of Hakodate at this hour.

Shuuya-kun had told me that we were off to get some eggs, spring onions, potatoes, some frozen fish, and a few packets of silken tofu. It was not that much, and honestly it was pretty much I planned on getting earlier in the afternoon, had I went to the store. But of course, I didn't. I was too busy being sorry for myself. Like I always was.

"You know," I told him as I stepped in closer, closing the gap between us. "You didn't fill up the cup by the altar this morning."

"Oh," he muttered. "I guess I've forgotten about it again."

"Again?" I wondered aloud. "What do you mean?"

"Well these few days as of late," he said, slightly tilting his head to the back. "I realise that I sometimes forget to do it."

I raised my eyebrow as I looked at his pale face illuminated by the streetlights. It was strange, thinking about it. Before, Shuuya-kun would without fail clean the altar and give the offerings every morning. I hadn't noticed him doing so recently, but I rarely went inside the tatami room, so I didn't really know.

"Really?" I asked, rather surprised. "I thought you did it every morning."

"I don't know. . ." the young man muttered. "Honestly sometimes I just don't feel like it."

I kept quiet the rest of the way as we walked to the grocery store.

There weren't really many people there, which I guess was rather obvious, given the time. It didn't really take us long to gather up what we needed. I contemplated on getting a few snacks, but in the end ended up just grabbing a bottle of strawberry milk.

"You know," I said as the both of us were heading back. "We haven't really been together much, lately."

"What do you mean?" he asked as he carried the groceries. "We see each other every day."

"Yes, but. . ." I said, trailing off.

I really didn't know how to put my feelings into words. I didn't know how to convey to him this stale apathy that was beginning to creep into my heart. I didn't know how to let him know of the ambivalence slowly devouring my chest.

Truth be told, I didn't feel like what we had between us was worth whatever it took anymore. He was a nice guy, but deep inside me, I longed for something more than that.

Thinking about it, Shuuya-kun was in a way new to me. I was new to him, and he was to me. He was never really involved with my life back in Hakodate, and at first it was a welcome change, but after a while I began to miss the familiarity I've had with everyone in my past, especially with the atmosphere of the new city, which with its strangeness overwhelmed me with loneliness.

"Where are we going with this?" I muttered as I walked beside him.

The young man turned to look at me, raising an eyebrow. He didn't seem to understand what I was talking about.

"What are we even doing?" I asked.

"Are you talking about our relationship?" he said after a while. "Honestly, I don't know either."

I couldn't find the words to reply to him. Recently, I had been questioning myself if getting together with Shuuya-kun was the right choice to make. Yet at the same time, I chided myself for having these selfish feelings rise within me. With all my heart I tried to supress them.

It wasn't just my problem. Anything that happens with this relationship didn't just concern me, it of course concerned my boyfriend as well. Sure, we had our sweet moments, and we still do. He's been affectionate to me, and me to him. Yet there was still something missing. That's what I felt at least.

Of course, I couldn't just base my decisions just purely on my own narrow selfish perspective, that was why I had to come with him. We basically had zero time together alone for a serious talk. I inched in closer and linked my arm through his, hugging it tight.

"You know that I love you," I muttered as I leaned against his shoulder. "Don't you?"

The young man never said anything, but turned around and landed a moist kiss on my forehead, without nearly any hesitation at all. He then wrapped me in his strong grip, embracing me tightly, whispering in my ear: 'Of course.'

My lips curled into a smile, but something was definitely wrong.

A slow, dying dread filled my heart, filling the throbbing viscera with a tremendous, oozing guilt.

The words. Those sweet words, twisted and crafted by the nimble edge of my tongue. I couldn't help but hear them repeated over and over again in my mind, echoing in my head. Those words: did they mean a whit to me? Did they even mean anything at all?

No, no it didn't.

Just like this embrace. Just like this very smile on my lips as he held me. Just like my feelings.

Just like my sad, sad existence.