Origami Girl

Chapter 29: The Bells of Nagasaki

"Japan was defeated; but the wounded were still alive. The war was over; but the work of our relief team remained. Our country was destroyed; but medical science still existed. Wasn't our work only beginning?"

-Nagai Takashi, Nagasaki no Kane

"You okay now?" Shuuya-kun asked the moment I stepped out of the female bathroom.

"Yeah," I replied, nodding slightly.

"Let's go then," Shuuya-kun said, and we walked down the thoroughfare lined with cherry blossom trees.

I walked beside him, and the both of us never said a word to each other. Shuuya-kun seemed to be looking someplace else.

He had brought me to the bathroom after we left the shrine grounds, telling me I couldn't present myself like that to my aunt, lest she get worried. I did what I was told and washed away the sticky tears on my cheeks with the cool tap water. I did so a few times before looking at myself in the mirror.

My face was a mess. My eyes were red and sore. But the cold touch of the water against my cheeks had brought me back to my senses. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths. The oxygen helped me, I guess. A few other women were in the bathroom as well, but they just minded their own business and left me alone.

I was glad I decided to bring my make-up bag along. You'll never know when you'll end up crying and messing up your entire face, so it was always good to take precautionary measures. I fixed my mascara and dabbed on a bit of powder to cover up where the tears had once flowed. All the while I told myself that everything was fine, and that everything was going to be okay. I just had to hang in there for a while, before I could retreat to the privacy of my room.

"Ah, Ayano-chan," my aunt said, standing up the moment she saw the two of us approach. "Where have you been? Shuuya has been looking for you."

"Sorry," I said, bowing my head with a slight smile. "I was at the shrine just now, and I was so engrossed I didn't realise Shuuya-kun had been calling me. Really sorry for the trouble. Have you been waiting long?"

"Don't worry about it," my aunt assured me. "The most important thing is that you're safe."

I helped my aunt pack everything up, refitting the containers with their covers. After I was done, I helped her place them in the picnic bag. I already caused so much trouble, so I had to try to make up for it somehow. Besides, keeping myself busy helped me to not feel so horrible.

Soon after that, I stood at the side, intending to fold the picnic mat, but Shuuya-kun stopped me.

"It's fine," he said bending down and picking up the edge of the mat before I even got the chance to get near to it. "I'll do it."

I stepped back and watched Shuuya-kun fold the mat, before wedging it between the bento boxes.

"Just make sure you don't leave anything behind," my aunt reminded the both of us.

I checked the area to make sure that we didn't overlook anything. All the trash we had brought back with us, and the area was clean. But more importantly, nothing valuable was accidentally left behind.

"No," I said. "There's nothing."

The three of us made our way from under the grove of cherry blossom trees to the main thoroughfare. It was nearly two in the afternoon, and the park was beginning to get a little crowded. My aunt walked in front, while Shuuya-kun and I trailed behind, making our way towards the entrance of the park.

In the midst of the crowd, I spotted a familiar figure walking in the opposite direction. He wore a maroon hoodie and jeans, walking with his hands shoved in his pockets. It was Kashiwagi-kun.

For a brief moment, our eyes met, but I quickly turned away, and I saw in the corner of my eye that he did the same. I didn't want to look at him. My heart still ached, swollen and bruised. I didn't want to think about him. But I couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt.

We reached the entrance of the park, and walked down the road. A few cars and the occasional bus passed us on the way to the subway station. I didn't pay much attention to my surroundings, my eyes only fixated on my aunt's back, following her lead. Shuuya-kun walked on beside me, not saying a word.

"Would you mind if we stop over here for a while?" my aunt asked, turning around to the both of us.

She pointed at a shopfront of a stationery supplies shop.

"I just realised I have some supplies I have to get," she said. "And since we're already here. . . Neither of you are in a rush anywhere, right?"

I shook my head.

"It'll just be for a while," my aunt said, before pushing the door open, the store's bell chime ringing as a result.

"She usually says that," Shuuya-kun said, breaking the silence. "But she'll take her own sweet time."

I giggled slightly, and I turned to look at him. The young man's lips curled up in a smile. It was that type of warm smile you'd gave someone who had just finished sobbing.

"Do you want to go inside?" he asked. "Or would you want to hang out someplace else while my mother does her thing? There's a café not far away if you want to grab some coffee."

"No," I said softly. "It's fine. Besides, there might be some things that might interest me in there."

"Well, okay."

With that, Shuuya-kun opened the door and led the both of us in. The bells chimed once more, their metallic echoes announcing our presence. There were quite a few people in there, mostly mothers and their children. I guess those were the main people who loved to buy stationery. Mothers and children. Shuuya-kun and I stood out in that kind of crowd, but nobody really paid attention. My aunt was at the pen rack, sampling different ones on the notepad.

Shuuya-kun walked between the low shelves, looking at whatever the shop had in stock. I saw a few scrapbooking materials, and picked up a board of cat stickers, examining it for a while, before putting it back down. It wasn't like I really needed to buy anything in the first place. But at least it was better than waiting outside.

Shuuya-kun remembered that he needed to get a new ring file for his new semester's work, so I followed him to the shelves where all the files were lined up. As Shuuya-kun inspected a light blue hard-cover ring file, I thought of getting myself one as well, but when I thought about it again, I didn't really need one at that point in time.

It was then when I noticed a familiar looking box, lumped together with other miscellaneous stationery, on the shelf just beside the folders. It was black and its cover had a picture of its contents, all arranged neatly. I took a few steps down the aisle, away from Shuuya-kun, reaching my hand to touch the box.

It was a stamp set, the exact same type that Yukino-kun had bought for his mother not too long ago. I was the one who had suggested it to him, and he agreed. Practicing lawyers needed stamps do they? I picked up the set and held it in both my palms.

I wondered how Ms Nakayama was doing now. We were in the same city, but we had never caught sight of each other. I tried to imagine her smiling face as she received the gift, she must have loved it. She really loved Yukino-kun. He meant the world to her. I couldn't even imagine how she felt when Asami-san tearfully called her, informing about what had happened to Yukino-kun after I had found him at the corridor at the thirteenth storey. The pain she felt must have been unbearable.

"What's that?" Shuuya-kun asked, walking up towards me, folder in his arm.

"Oh," I said, putting the box back. "It's nothing. . ."

Shuuya-kun stepped forward and bent down, letting himself get a closer look.

"A stamp set?" he asked. "You like this kind of things?"

"No. . ." I replied. "Not really."

"Ah," he said again. "You need it because of your course?"

"I-it's not that. . ." I muttered. "It's just that I was reminded of someone."

"I see," Shuuya-kun replied. "That someone must have loved stamping then."

I didn't reply to him. I followed Shuuya-kun to the cashier, placing his folder on the countertop just as his mother was about to pay for the pens. Shuuya-kun insisted to pay with his own money, but my aunt just went ahead and paid for it anyway. The young man didn't seem too pleased, but he never said anything about it.

We made our way to the station and took the Tozai Line back to Odori. The train was surprisingly empty, and the three of us managed to get ourselves seats, even though the ride wasn't very that long. Nevertheless, I was thankful for it, I felt like I had no more energy to keep on standing.

I sat between my aunt and Shuuya-kun and throughout it I just sat and stared at the shiny reflections of the platforms in the darkened windows opposite me. None of us said a word, my aunt reading a health magazine, while my cousin decided to plug in his earphones. Only I did nothing. There was nothing I really wanted to do anyway. I only stared at the young woman in the window who stared back at me. She looked miserable. Her eyes were tired. Her heart was swollen and bleeding.

As the train moved, Shuuya-kun bumped his thigh into me a couple of times. It was probably an accident, but I said nothing about it. Nonetheless, I couldn't help but feel my cheeks turn warm.

It was just like before, when Yukino-kun and I used to sit beside each other on the tram. His thigh would sometimes touch mine, but there was nothing awkward about that. He would talk to me, even though there wasn't really much to talk about. Sometimes, what he spoke was trivial and rather uninteresting, but it was much better than just the sounds of the train announcements.

We reached Odori and transferred to the Nanboku line, where we alighted at Nakanoshima.

"The blossoms were beautiful, don't you think?" my aunt asked as we exited the station, waiting for Shuuya-kun who was at a vending machine nearby.

"Yeah," I replied. "They were."

"Sorry about that back then," she said. "I just remembered I had some stuff I had to get."

"It's all right," I told her. "What did you buy anyway?"

"Some red pens," she replied, looking through the plastic carrier as to tally everything she had purchased. "And a few black ones. A few boxes of staples too."

"You sure need a lot of stationery," I commented. "It's for work, I guess?"

"Yeah," she said. "I was thinking of getting a staple gun, since it'll be easier to pin up those posters and the children's work on the notice boards. . . But it's kind of dangerous."

"I think it's better if you just use a normal stapler, as troublesome as that can be," I said.

"True," she replied. "We don't want some kids to get hurt do we?"

I nodded and smiled. Small talk did help a bit, the least it did was get my mind off everything for a while. I had thought that the trip viewing the cherry blossoms would help me put my mind at ease, but it did the contrary. If I wasn't too careless and dialled Shuuya-kun's number properly, I wouldn't have heard the voice message. If I hadn't broken down after hearing his voice I wouldn't have cried in front of Kashiwagi-kun. If I hadn't been so selfish, Yukino-kun wouldn't have been dead.

He never left a message for me. He apologised to his sister and mother, but not to me. Did he blame me as well? Was it too painful for him to leave a message for him? Did he just plain out refuse to leave a last message to the selfish girl who left him? I would never know. But the absence –or omission- of a final goodbye to me did nothing to alleviate the pain of my heart.

It's true then. It was entirely my fault. The smile I wore for the sake of my aunt slowly faded away.

Shuuya-kun came back after that, bottle of barley tea in his hand. He unscrewed the cap and glugged it down as we walked. He noticed me looking at him, and parted the bottle from his lips. I immediately got self-conscious and looked away.

"Do you want it?" he asked. "You must be thirsty right?"

I looked at him as he held out the opened bottle, arm outstretched. His deep hazel eyes peeked at me through the gaps of his fringe. I looked at him, before moving my gaze to the bottle. The rim had touched his lips. When I thought about that, I felt my cheeks get warm.

Shuuya-kun seemed to have noticed, and immediately took back his offer, retracting his arm. His cheeks turned rosy, his free hand running its fingers through his thick hair.

"Sorry. . ." he muttered, laughing awkwardly. "I guess you're saliva conscious. . . Yeah."

"Uh. . ." I mumbled, adjusting the strap of my handbag. "Yes. . .That's it."

"I won't touch the rim then next time," he chuckled nervously.

I smiled and nodded. He certainly didn't get it. But that was fine, I guess. It certainly helped reduced the awkwardness between us.

We got home soon enough, Shuuya-kun unlocking the door for the both of us. After getting my shoes off, I headed for my room and shut the door behind me gently. Finally, somewhere where I could be alone for once. The silence that had dawned upon the room was a welcome change. The dim shadows and the familiar musky smell of the room seemed to beckon me back home.

I walked across the wooden floor over to the drawn curtains, and opened them slightly, letting the light enter through the small gap. On a second thought, I opened them fully and threw the windows open. The fresh air was truly desired, and a cold draft blew in. I bent down, leaning against the window sill. The breeze caressed my hair gently, but it was nice, finally being able to be alone and reflect.

It was times like these where I finally came to understand why Yukino-kun smoked. It must have been a relief for a painful heart to inhale and exhale white mist. With every breath, it seemed like troubles would dissipate away into the air, just like the smoke. Of course, even I who opposed Yukino-kun's habit, now that he was dead and my heart was broken a thousand pieces, I couldn't help but wish that I had a packet of Marlboro or whatever Yukino-kun loved to smoke with me. I'd light it up, stare into the alley below and breathe in the vapour. I didn't like the smell, but for the pain it could make me forget for a moment, it was worthwhile I suppose. I guess Yukino-kun must have felt that way as well. Yukino-kun had had to endure true sorrow, and I had finally began to understand how it felt.

Yet somehow, he could still find the strength to give me that sweet, wry smile that I had come to love so much, despite everything he had kept buried within his heart. The memory of that brought tears to my eyes. If this were my house, I would have buried myself in my bed with all my plush toys, but this wasn't, so I just had to make do with trying to keep myself calm. The sadness came in bouts, sometimes it was like a small speck of gunpowder in my heart. Other times, it was like a bear who wanted to hunt me down and devour me raw.

I stepped away from the window after a while, and headed straight to the wardrobe, changing into a blouse and grey track pants. I had nothing to do, but I still wasn't ready to step outside and spend some time in the living room. I wanted to stay in this little room, confined to myself and my thoughts.

Sitting at my desk, I contemplated right and wrong. Was it right for me to move? Perhaps I shouldn't have been too greedy. What else could I tell Yukino-kun? What could have I said that could perhaps change his mind? Should I even began that relationship with him in the first place when he already had Kameko-chan? All these thoughts made their way to my head as I buried my face in my folded arms. It was pointless to think of all these, I knew that much. But I just couldn't help it.

I was such a horrible person. Yukino-kun didn't deserve me. He deserved much, much better. I was sure there were other girls in school who were in more ways superior to me. Why did he choose to get close to me, of all people? Was there something special about me? That couldn't be right.

I spent an hour or so like this, filling my head with these painful thoughts. Neither Shuuya-kun nor my aunt disturbed me, and I was grateful for that. Yet at the same time, I wished there was someone to talk to me, as a way of distracting my mind from thinking about all these burdening feelings. In the end, it was nearly around six in the evening when I pulled out my law textbook and mulled over it.

The book was long and the chapter I was reading to prepare for Monday's lecture was boring and uninteresting, but it was the only thing I felt like doing. After a while, having gotten bored of paragraph after paragraph of detailed explanations on how the judicial system and the Constitution works, I brought out my laptop and tried to look at some interesting articles. I nearly went to some of the old fashion blogs I used to visit, but I just felt that there were not up to my tastes anymore. Besides, those kind of things only reminded me of Kameko-chan. Even then, I managed to read up on a more condensed version of the Constitution, and it helped me understand the fuller picture I suppose.

Considering that it was already evening, I let my laptop hibernate and decided to take a bath. Grabbing my towel and pyjamas, I quietly peeked out of the door and into the hallway. It was dark, and there was light coming from the living room, but otherwise, no one was about. I guess Shuuya-kun and his mother were in the living room, watching television together or something. Those two seemed really close, at least his mother was trying, from what I could tell. But most of the time, I guessed Shuuya-kun was on his own. I never really asked Shuuya-kun about how he felt about his mother but I didn't want to poke around in the family business.

I didn't expect to find Shuuya-kun in front of the sink when I opened the bathroom door. What was equally unexpected was seeing him without his shirt on, only clad in his grey pants. His towel was slung over his shoulder, a few drops of water dripping from his damp black hair.

His bare shoulders were broad, and a few drops of water still clung onto his chest. His abdomen was flat, with faint traces of abs. I didn't expect him to look so defined, but I immediately blushed when our eyes met. I could see that his cheeks were red as well.

"I-I'm sorry," I muttered, my heart thumping in my chest. "I-I didn't know you were in here."

Shuuya-kun said nothing , but turned his face away towards the medicine cabinet. He must have been looking in the mirror or something when I was interrupting him. I tried my best to not make myself appear as if I was stealing glances at him, just to make sure he didn't think of me as some pervert. Not like I did so anyway.

The only other sound that filled the room as I made my way to the bath was the rumbling of the dryer in the corner. I guess the young man must have been waiting for his shirt to dry when I stepped in. Still embarrassed, I shut the door behind me.

As I sat in the bath after showering, I couldn't help but think of what I saw earlier. Sure, I knew Shuuya-kun worked out and all but I sure wasn't expecting him to be so well-built. He was a distant cry from the memory I had of a grumpy scrawny boy who pushed me into the moat. He was now a grumpy young man with rather attractive muscles.

I slapped myself. The pain and heat spread across my cheek. I slapped it again and sighed, leaning back into the tub. I'll just try to forget about that, I thought. Besides, I've seen Akio-kun shirtless thousands of times before, and Yukino-kun too. There was nothing peculiar to think about when I saw Shuuya-kun half-naked. This was his house after all.

Suddenly, there was a sharp knock on the door. I squealed involuntarily, perhaps a little too loud for my liking. My heart raced in my chest and my cheeks immediately flush warm. Whoever was at the other end of the door, be it my aunt or my cousin himself, would have heard it, no doubt.

"Hey. . .A-Ayano-chan," came the voice from behind the door. "Are you all right? Is everything okay in there?"

I gulped. It was Shuuya-kun. Of course.

"I'm fine," I replied, sinking myself deeper into the tub, so that only my head peeked out, just in case he decided to burst inside the room despite it being locked. "What is it?"

"Ah," came his reply. "I just wanted to tell you that your laundry is dry already. I'll put it in your room if you want to."

"Th-thanks," I called out to him.

He didn't reply, so I guess he must have gone already. I soaked myself for a while more in the tub, lapping the warm water on my skin. I could still feel my heart beating fast even after Shuuya-kun was long gone.

After I was done, I wiped myself and put on my pyjamas. They were plain, but I liked wearing them. I always thought baby blue looked nice on me. I pushed the door leading to the main area of the bathroom slowly, peeking just to make sure if Shuuya-kun was still in the bathroom. Thankfully he wasn't. I patted my hair dry with the towel while looking at myself in the mirror. I looked worn out.

I stepped out into the hallway and made my way over to my room. The clock on the desk stated that it was 20 minutes past eight. I switched on the lights, hung my towel to dry on a hanger, and closed the windows to prevent the cold air from getting in.

When Shuuya-kun offered to bring my dried clothes to my room, I expected to be greeted with a pile of clothes, but instead what I found before me was a row of neatly folded blouses and pants. My dresses that I had dumped into the washing machine earlier that morning had been ironed, hung on hangers behind my door, ready to be worn to university the next day. I was surprised that Shuuya-kun even bothered to go through all that trouble for me when I could have done it myself. I guess that showed how I could just lose track of the time when I was sitting in the bath.

I arranged the folded clothes in my wardrobe, and hung the dresses on the hanging rail. It was surprising how neat Shuuya-kun dealt with my clothes. I just hoped there weren't any embarrassing stains or anything that he might have seen, but I guess that wasn't too much of a big deal.

I returned to my desk and turned my laptop on again. The article I was going through was still there and I went through with reading it, even though by then I was kind of hungry. Even then, the other two had most likely finished with dinner, and I didn't really want to step outside and eat by my own. Plus, I was afraid my aunt was going to ask me about why I locked myself away for half a day, but more importantly, I didn't want to bump into Shuuya-kun, especially after what had happened at the bathroom.

As I scrolled on to the next page, reading the article on the Constitution that never seemed to end, I suddenly heard a knock on the door. I was about to get up when I heard a voice call out to me.

"Ayano-chan, is it okay for me to come in?"

It was Shuuya-kun. I suddenly felt a little nervous.

"Yeah," I replied. "It's fine."

With that, the door slowly creaked open, and the young man stepped in, bringing with him a plate and a glass. He was wearing a black hoodie this time, the zipper opened slightly below his collarbone. I doubt he wore anything beneath. He was going to sleep in that most probably. The thought of that nearly made me blush.

"I thought you were busy studying," he said, placing whatever he brought with him on the desk. "So I made you something."

"Thank you," I said, looking up at him and flashing him a smile.

It was a fruit sandwich, cut into cubes and skewered onto colourful toothpicks. The glass was filled with strawberry milk.

"Okaa-san was kind of worried when you didn't turn up for dinner just now," he said. "But I just told her you were studying."

"Yeah. . ." I muttered. "Thanks a lot. And about just now, I'm really sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it," he said, before leaving the room altogether.

I couldn't help but smile awkwardly even after he was long gone. How nice of him to have thought about me. I popped a few of the cubes in my mouth, nibbling them off their skewers while I went ahead with reading a few more articles. The sour yoghurt was a nice contrast to the sweetness of the kiwi and strawberry. In between those, I took small sips from the glass of milk.

In the end, I decided to turn my laptop off and read my textbook instead. As I sat there, finishing up whatever Shuuya-kun had brought me, I couldn't help but reflect on everything that had happened over the past two months. I still hadn't gotten the closure I wanted. The fact that there was no goodbye left for me made me feel even more lost and confused. I didn't understand. I simply couldn't.

I guess I had no one else to blame but myself. I wondered if Yukino-kun hated me. Of course he would, after how selfishly I acted. Even Kameko-chan refused to be associated with me anymore. Adding to that, I flat out rejected Kashiwagi-kun earlier, so I doubted we could ever remain friends.

I had lost everything. I guess it's true then, that you don't appreciate something until it was too late. It's unfortunate, but I guess that's how the world works.

I didn't know how long I sat there staring at the long wall of text in a loss, but in the end I decided to get up and brought the plate and glass to the kitchen where I washed them. I didn't see neither my cousin nor my aunt, so I guessed there were in their rooms. The lights were switched off as well. After I was done, I returned to my room and sat back on the desk.

It was already half past ten, so I guess it was no wonder that the both of them were asleep. I was exhausted but I didn't feel like I could sleep soundly. My mind was in a flurry.

It's pathetic now when I thought to myself, back at Onuma when I was so stressed out that I wanted to die. And over what? An exam paper. Just one exam paper. And there Yukino-kun was, going through everything in silence before he finally decided to take his own life. When I looked at things that way, I was nothing more than a pathetic excuse of a human.

It was then when there came another knock on the door. I got off my chair and opened it. It was Shuuya-kun, standing in the dim hallway.

"Do you. . ." I muttered. "Need anything?"

"N-no," he replied. "Not at all."

"Well then," I said reaching for the handle. "Good night to you I guess."

I was about to close the door when Shuuya-kun propped his palm against the panel.

"Can I come inside?" he asked.

I said nothing and backed away from the doorway. The young man slipped inside my room.

"Why are you here?" I asked. "I was about to sleep."

I lied.

"You know. . ." he started. "I was just kind of worried about you."

"I'm fine," I replied, busying myself by pretending to clear my desk. "You don't have to be worried about me."

"You broke down in the middle of the park," he said, standing by the door.

"I told you I'm fine."

I turned around and looked at him. Our eyes met for a brief moment. In that silence, I told myself that everything was fine. That everything was under control. That everything was all right.

In that moment, I gave in to my feelings. It came like a trickle of water at first, before becoming like a flood. My chest tightened and tears began to pool in my eyes. I was sick of denying it. I was sick of pretending that this pain that existed in this hard lump enveloping my chest was not real.

Shuuya-kun slowly stepped towards me. I sniffed as a fat tear broke free, spilling onto my cheeks. I guess I still hadn't recovered ever since the episode at the park occurred.

"A-Ayano-chan," he called out to me. "Come on, it's all right. Everything's all right."

"No," I whispered, my voice soft and hoarse. "It's not. Nothing's all right. Nothing is."

I didn't know what to do, or what to say, but the next thing I knew I felt Shuuya-kun's arms envelop me, embracing me tightly. Just like how Yukino-kun had embraced me at the harbour when we met for the last time. I could nearly smell the scent of the sea as he held me there in his arms. But my tears would not stop.

Shuuya-kun abruptly let go after a moment. I met his gaze as he took a step away from me. His cheeks were red.

"I-I'm sorry about that," he mumbled, rubbing the back of his head with his palm in embarrassment. "I didn't know what to do."

I only nodded my head silently, sniffing.

"L-look, it's already late," Shuuya-kun said, fidgeting. "I think you should get some rest. It's been quite a bad day for you."

"Y-yeah," I replied.

Shuuya-kun slid open the cabinet door, and brought out the folded futon. I said nothing and watched him spread out the mattress for me. Well, it was his sister's wardrobe after all, so he could just open it without asking my permission anyway. It wasn't like he wanted to search through my things or anything.

"There," he said, getting up, an awkward smile on his face. "Well, good night I guess. You need the rest and let's just forget I did what I did just now."

The young man turned around and was about to leave, but I grabbed onto his sleeve. Shuuya-kun turned around, startled.

"Please," I muttered. "Please don't go yet."

"Uh-" came his awkward reply. "Okay."

His deep brown eyes peeked out at me from behind the gaps of his fringe. He bit his lower lip. My hand still clung onto his sleeve, fearful that he might just yank free and head for the door. When it was clear that he was to stay, I let my hand fall to the side.

"Could you please-" I sniffed, wiping away the tears from my eyes. "Could you please hold me?" While I go to sleep?"

"A-Ayano-chan-" he blurted out, apparently shocked by my request. "My mother's just next door. What would she think of us?"

"Please?" I begged, my voice cracking. "It hurts so much. It truly does."

With that, the young man took a deep breath, before grunting in agreement somewhat reluctantly. I nodded, my palm clinging onto the collar of my pyjamas.

"Y-you," Shuuya-kun said, his face beetroot. "You go in there first."

I did as I was told, and tucked my body under the sheets. My cousin switched off the lights before slipping into the futon right beside me. Our shoulders were touching. It was certainly rather tight for two people to share a futon meant for one. I could hear my heartbeat in the darkness as my heart thumped in my chest. A thin stream of light filtered into the otherwise dark room through a slither between the curtains. I could barely make out the features of Shuuya-kun's face as he lay there beside me.

"So," he whispered into my ear, an uncertain tone in his voice. "What do I do now?"

"I just want you to hold me," I mumbled between sobs.

The next moment, I felt the gentle movements of his arms as he enveloped my shoulders, burying my face in his chest. I could smell the slight scent of his shampoo. I could feel the warmth of his body. I could hear the beating of his heart. It was thumping very loudly, just like mine was.

I missed that feeling of arms around me. It made me feel safe, protected. Yukino-kun had always held me like that, enveloping his arms around me and enveloping him close to his torso. I could almost hear him breathe again. I could almost smell him again.

But of course, these arms weren't his, the breaths that I caught weren't his, and those loud, nervous heartbeats –they weren't his at all. It was someone else. I couldn't help but let the tears flow. I could feel the chest of Shuuya-kun's hoodie getting damp with my tears.

I whimpered, and almost immediately, as if it were a response, Shuuya-kun rubbed his palms soothingly down my back, just like how a mother would calm a child down. Except I wasn't a child and the person hugging me wasn't my mother but a young man who was almost twenty. We were silent for a while, and I could feel the exhaustion creeping up to me as I lay down there in Shuuya-kun's arms. It had surely been an exhausting day. Shuuya-kun rested his chin on my head and I felt his grip steady and unwavering around my shoulders. It had been such a long time since someone ever held me that intimately.

I closed my eyes and drifted off into a light, sorrowful sleep.

"We all know who did it," the girl said, stirring her thick black coffee with a stirrer. "We all do."

Kameko-chan sat in front of me, sipping on her cup as she waited for a response. She wore a blue sundress and sat with her right leg over her left. We were in some sort of café, and the both of us were sitting by the window. Outside, a few cars rumbled past, as well as a red-and-yellow streetcar.

"I don't get what you're talking about," I said, clutching my purse in hand.

"How convenient," she replied. "As if I'm buying that."

"Of course you should," I responded. "Why would I ever lie to you? That's just not who I am. I don't hide things, not like someone I know."

"You are not a very good liar."

I fell silent and sipped on my coffee. The bitterness stayed around in my mouth even long after I swallowed it down.

"You don't know anything, my dear," Kameko-chan said after a while. "Nothing at all."

"Maybe if you knew everything about him then Yukino-kun wouldn't have left you," I replied. "We're on equal ground then."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "How naïve of you to think of it that way."

We were getting nowhere. This wasn't the reason why Kameko-chan and I were meeting that day. We had more important things to settle.

"I know we have some differences," I said after a few brief moments of silence. "But I'm sure we can put it away for a while, for the sake of this matter."

"What's there to put away?" she replied, placing her cup down onto the table. "When our differences, our faults –No, your faults, is the matter in itself."

I pursed my lips and said nothing. I was sure Kameko-chan was done talking. After all, what she said wasn't very far from the truth. I felt a tinge of guilt listening to her words. They stung.

"But you can't just blame me for that," I muttered in defence. "How would you expect me to know that he'd do something so horrible?"

"Because you were the one who was the closest to him," Kameko-chan said. "If there was anyone who would have taken any notice at all, it was you. But of course, you were busy caring for yourself."

"Y-you can't say that," I shot back. "I really cared for Yukino-kun. I really did. I tried to help him sort out his life. His future. That's just as important isn't it?"

Kameko-chan shook her head, before picking up her cup again.

"You don't get it," she said, bringing the rim to her lips. "You never understood him the way I did."

"Then maybe you should blame yourself instead and not just me," I retorted. "Since you knew so much about him, why didn't you yourself try to help him?"

The girl seemed to ignore what I just said, her expression totally at ease. She just continued to sip on her coffee.

"And how was I to do that with you in the way?" she asked, a sweet smile curling up her lips.

I knew more than well that the smile wasn't as warm as it was meant to be. It was sinister, as if she was mocking me.

"I tried my best," I defended myself. "I did everything I could."

Kameko-chan giggled.

"Darling," she said, tilting her head, such that her silky black hair shone in the filtered sunlight. "You did nothing at all."

I paused for a moment, clearing my mind as I brought the cup of tea to my lips. I couldn't find anything I could say to defend myself, and it seemed like every time I tried, Kameko-chan would come up with a counter. I gave up. It's not like she would believe anything I said or how sincere I was.

"Anyway," I said. "We were here to seek out a closure. To finally understand things."

"Of course," the young woman replied. "We want to understand things. We can't just leave things hanging."

"Yeah," I mumbled.

"So, what is it that you wanted to discuss?" she asked.

Of course she knew what we were to be discussing. She was just asking me for the sake of it.

"You know what we want to discus," I told her. "In fact, we might have already touched on the subject already."

"Touched," she repeated. "Of course."

"Well, I was just thinking," I began. "After all that's happened, I'm sure the both of us are yearning for a closure. For everything."

The girl nodded her head curtly.

"I know there must be some reasons why he did what he did," I said. "And I called you down to find out more about it."

"I see," she replied.

"Anyway," I said. "I knew you were very close to him, so I just wanted to know more about. . . everything."

Kameko-chan turned to face the window. Her eyes were following the streetcar that slid past us. I noticed her eyes fixated on it until it left. She was silent for a while after that.

"You wanted to know more about Yukino?" she finally muttered. "From me?"

I never said anything. I knew it was a rhetorical question. She seemed to like doing that when confronting me.

"You wanted a closure right?" she questioned, looking at me straight in the eye with those pretty eyes of hers. "Then I'll give you one."

"Your selfishness killed him," she said, straight to the point, her glare stabbing at me. "You wanted a closure didn't you? Well are you convinced now? After all those countless times which I had already said it. Do you see who truly did it now? You never loved him, you only loved yourself."

This time, I couldn't stay silent.

"How could you say something like that?" I shot back. "You don't understand how deeply I care about Yukino-kun. You don't know how important he is to me. You don't understand what he's been through. You know nothing at all."

"Oh yes," she replied, after taking another sip of coffee. "You love him, you treasure him, you deeply care about him. Maybe that's why you went of sleeping in the arms of another man."

I gulped. I could only stare at her in shock after hearing those words.

"H-how?" I muttered, my voice soft. "How did you know?"

"Like I said," Kameko-chan stated, seemingly ignoring my shock. "You should never have gotten in between me and him. You should never have got yourself involved. You should never have gotten anywhere close to Yukino."

I watched her, still silent in shock as she picked up her handbag and slung it over her shoulder. I watched the back of her blue sundress as she walked towards the door. I couldn't say a word. I couldn't get up. There was nothing I could do.

My eyes fluttered open the moment I heard a knock on my door. Kameko-chan wasn't there. I was in my room, lying in my futon. I was lying down with Shuuya-kun still wrapping his arms around me. I turned to my right, and saw Shuuya-kun with his eyes closed, sleeping soundly. The knocking went on. I could feel my heart racing in worry. It was my aunt. I quickly slid out of Shuuya-kun's arms and ran over to the door.

"Ayano-chan," she called out. "I've made breakfast."

"Ah," I replied. "Thank you so much."

I rushed over to Shuuya-kun's side and shook my cousin's shoulder.

"Can I come in for a moment?" I heard my aunt say.

Shuuya-kun was still in my futon, and I was sure it wasn't very flattering if my aunt saw that.

"Please wait a moment," I called out, shaking Shuuya-kun hastily.

My cousin groaned as he slowly opened his eyes. He looked around him for a while, dazed and confused. He slowly pushed himself up, his thick black hair in a mess. I was about to explain to him the situation, when the situation decided to explain itself.

"Are you done now, Ayano-chan?" my aunt asked.

Shuuya-kun looked at me, his eyes widening.

"You have to hide," I whispered to him, just in case my aunt could hear us.

"Where?" he asked, frowning.

I looked around the room and had an idea.

"Get in the closet," I told him in a hushed tone. "She wants to come in, but I doubt she'll know you're in there.

Shuuya-kun got up to his feet and made his way to the closet, sliding it open.

"Just a little while," I reassured my aunt outside, just in case she decided to barge in. "I'll be ready soon."

Shuuya-kun looked at me nervously before stepping into the wardrobe. Fortunately there was enough standing space. I nodded at him in reassurance, preparing myself to distract my aunt when she came in so that she won't place her attention on the closet. Taking a deep breath, I reached for the knob and pulled the door back.

My aunt was standing in the hallway, in a grey spring jacket. Her hair was clipped to the side, her handbag hanging from her right shoulder. She was all showered and had the scent of peonies on. It was Monday after all, she must have been leaving for work already.

"Good morning," she said, a gentle smile on her face. "Sorry to disturb you so early in the morning."

I smiled and nodded. My heart thumped in my chest as I stepped back nervously, letting her inside. Whatever she wanted to say to me, I hope she made it quick.

"Are you feeling better today?" the woman asked. "I heard you weren't feeling too well."

I hadn't remembered telling her I didn't feel too good, so initially I didn't really know what to say. But I caught sight of the closet and realised that Shuuya-kun might have told her yesterday that in order to make up an excuse to why I never appeared for dinner.

"Yeah," I replied. "Thankfully."

Act natural, I told myself. Act like I didn't just spend the night with her son in my futon.

"Well, there's some acetaminophen in the medicine cabinet," she said. "In case you don't feel too well."

"Thank you," I muttered. "That's very kind of you."

"No worries," she replied. "It's just basic pharmacy stuff. Feel free to take whatever you need."

She looked over my shoulder and I turned around to see what had caught her interest. It was my desk, my law textbook still open, my stationery in positions not to my satisfaction. It seemed like I had forgotten to keep it clean last night.

"You work hard even though you're sick," she commented. "You better not push yourself too hard, dear."

"It's fine," I said. "It's just some reading, so it's not that bad."

"Well, what I'm saying is," my aunt replied. "Just don't stress yourself too much. I mean, yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of things you have to do in university but do take breaks to relax, okay?"

"I will," I told her. "Don't worry about it."

"Well, you take care of yourself," she said, patting me on the shoulder. "I'll go to work then."

I led her to the front door to send her off. She slipped on her shoes and unlocked the door, and I thought she was about to leave when she turned around.

"Anyway," she said, unzipping her handbag and dropping her keys inside. "I was just wondering –Have you seen that Shuuya anywhere? I checked his room just now but he wasn't there."

"Maybe he went out or something?" I suggested, trying to steer suspicion away. "Well hospital shifts start early, so maybe he left already."

"It doesn't start at six does it?" my aunt said, raising her eyebrow.

I just tried to pretend I didn't know anything and never tried to attempt making up alibis for my cousin. After all, someone told me that I wasn't a very good liar.

"Well, I'm sure we'll find out when he comes back," I said.

"I guess we'll do," she replied. "But I have to get going now, I should be at school by six-thirty."

"See you then," I waved.

My aunt walked into the corridor and closed the door. The moment I heard the keys turning the lock shut, I headed back to my room. The clock on the desk stated that it was twenty minutes past six. It wasn't a big surprise my aunt needed only ten minutes to get to work, considering that the school was just one or two streets away. My futon was still on the floor, but more importantly, I still harboured my cousin in the wardrobe.

"She's gone off to work," I said as I folded up my futon. "You can get out now."

I heard the door of the wardrobe slide open, and when I turned with the futon in my hands, Shuuya-kun approached me and took them out of my arms. He walked back to where he came from and stuffed the futon where they had always been during the day. It wasn't time to lay them out to dry yet.

When he was done, the young man walked back towards me. It was then when I realised he had unzipped his hoodie down to his chest, revealing a few drops of sweat on his skin. I was right after all. He wasn't wearing anything underneath that hoodie.

After the fear of getting caught by my aunt had receded, only then did the guilt come back to me. I had slept in Shuuya-kun's arms. I can't believe I did something like that. I felt disgusted at myself.

"Well," my cousin said, scratching the back of his head. "Good morning."

I only smiled and nodded. My cheeks were warm, after having noticed his hoodie zipper. Shuuya-kun seemed to realise what I was blushing about.

"I-It was really hot and stuffy in there alright?" he muttered, fumbling to pullup the zipper. "I was sweating really bad."

"Sorry for dragging you into this mess," I mumbled, pulling on the sleeves of my pyjamas. "Now your mother is getting a bit suspicious since you weren't in bed this morning. I told her you might have went out."

I wasn't the least comfortable with myself after what I had done that night, but I wasn't going to let myself overreact about it. I already lost Kashiwagi-kun, I didn't want to lose another person whom I was close to.

"Let's just think about that later," the young man said, stretching. "Say, why don't we have breakfast together?"

I only managed to give him a weak smile and followed him to the kitchen. I helped him cook the rice while he grilled the fish. I wondered what my aunt had for breakfast, since it was usually my cousin who cooked in the morning.

"Don't worry about that," he said to me when I voiced out my concern. "Her school has plenty of vending machines . She can grab a sandwich or something."

"I see," I replied. "Aren't you worried that she's kind of suspicious that you weren't in bed this morning?"

Shuuya-kun acted like he didn't hear me, and went on with grilling the fish. I guess he hadn't given it any thoughts. I could only grow more worried.

The two of us sat across each other, breakfast laid out between the both of us on the table. I sipped on the warm green tea before picking up my chopsticks.

"Well, uhh. . ." Shuuya-kun began. "Ittadakimas."

I could only nod my head, before beginning our meal. Honestly, I didn't really feel like eating, after what I had done. I felt bad for Shuuya-kun, forcing him to sleep with me and causing him a lot of trouble. But more so, I felt bad for Yukino-kun. It felt wrong. How could he ever forgive me for something like that?

"You better eat up or it'll get cold," I heard Shuuya-kun said teasingly.

I smiled, before eating my food hurriedly. The less time I spent at the table, the better. Shuuya-kun stole a few glances at me, but he just kept on eating as well.

"You've got any lectures today?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I've got a lecture on the Constitution. Dry, boring stuff."

"I wish my work attachment would be over sooner," my cousin replied, wiping the edge of his lip with the back of his knuckles. "I miss sitting around in lectures and doing nothing."

"Oh," I said. "When will your training program end?"

"It's more of an on-and-off thing," he answered. "I'll be moving around a lot, getting transferred here and there. But I do get a break in summer though, or when I start a new module."

I just nodded, picking up my utensils and bringing them to the sink. Shuuya-kun followed as well.

"What time does your lecture start?" he asked me. "You know what, just leave it there, I'll do it."

I took a step back and let him have his way. He washed up for the both of us.

"Ten," I told him.

"Great," he said. "We can go together if you don't mind."

"Y-yeah."

I cleaned up my room, packing my bag for that day's lecture. All the while I couldn't help but think of what I had done with Shuuya-kun. He seemed all right that morning, acting as if everything was normal. Acting as if I didn't just force him to sleep with me with his arms tight around me. Maybe he didn't really thought it was much of a big deal. I wasn't too sure about him, but I for certain felt horrible.

In the shower I couldn't help but feel an immense guilt clinging onto my guilt. It just felt wrong for me to have done such a thing. Throughout our relationship, never had Yukino-kun and I slept together, yet here I am, with Shuuya-kun in my futon just two months after meeting. Well technically, I've known Shuuya-kun for sixteen years, but now wasn't exactly the perfect time to worry about technicalities. I'd rather worry about what seemed right or wrong.

Technically I was still Yukino-kun's girlfriend, and I still felt guilty for what he had done to himself, but at the other end, didn't he deliberately leave me out of his final messages? Perhaps he truly intended to cut off all ties he had with me.

I took a deep breath as I lathered the shampoo all over my hair. No, that wasn't right. I was just downplaying the whole situation. Yukino-kun would never leave me. He loved me, and I loved him too. But I guess it may have been a little too late to think about such things.

I didn't know what to do anymore. At the very least, I didn't feel lonely anymore, but that loneliness was replaced with guilt, as if I hadn't had enough of that already. It was nice to have someone hold me again, but I felt like I was slapping Yukino-kun in the face with another betrayal. As I washed off the soap suds, I closed my eyes and told myself that I had slept with Yukino-kun, and not my cousin. It was Yukino-kun's arms, not someone else.

I wiped myself dry and put on my flat collar dress that I had brought with me to the bath. I had a habit of doing that nowadays, since I didn't want Shuuya-kun to catch me just clad in a towel. Besides, the steam would iron out any creases and wrinkles any of my clothes had.

I stood in front of the mirror and did my makeup. I looked tired and fatigued as ever, but I guess it was because of the events of yesterday. The whole of April wasn't exactly a very good month for me. And to resort to begging Shuuya-kun to sleep with me? How low could I possibly get?

I sighed as I dabbed a dash of powder on my face. I messed up horribly. The regret began to eat away at me.

Once I was done, I told Shuuya-kun that I would wait for him in the living room. Grabbing my bag, I sat on the sofa while Shuuya-kun showered. I spent the time, fidgeting with my nails awkwardly in between checking my appearance with my pocket mirror.

My cousin got ready faster than I expected. Within a few minutes, he was already standing in the doorway, clad in jeans and the dark blue flannel shirt he had worn the other day. His backpack hung from his shoulders, his hair slightly damp.

My heart thumping nervously in my chest, I stood up and headed over to the genkan without a word. Slipping on my shoes I waited for him to close all the windows before he put on his black sneakers. Wasn't really in the mood to talk, and I supposed Shuuya-kun realised that as well. All the feelings in my chest were still in an entanglement of confusion. I wanted to deny that I did what I did, yet at the same time, it was the truth. I did ask Shuuya-kun to sleep with me. I was the one who pulled onto his sleeve as he was about to leave.

Neither of us spoke a word until we were at the platform of the station.

"You didn't really like what we did yesterday did you?" he muttered, scratching the back of his head.

"It's not that. . ." I replied.

The train arrived soon after that. We found a pair of quiet corner seats where we could at least get some sense of privacy and headed towards them. I thought he was fine with whatever happened yesterday based on how he behaved just now, but how he acted in the train seemed to tell me something different entirely.

"Sorry," he muttered after a while. "You know. . . It was the first time I ever slept with a girl, so I didn't know what to do."

I said nothing, clutching my bag in my arms.

"I thought you wanted me to. . ." he mumbled. "Well-"

"I never meant it that way," I replied, my cheeks reddening. "I just wanted someone to hold me when I sleep."

"I-I see," the young man chuckled awkwardly. "You know, for a moment I thought I was kind of -unsatisfactory. I really thought you wanted me to-"

"Let's not talk about this anymore," I interrupted him. "And don't worry about it. It's my first time too sleeping with someone."

"Yeah. . ." he said. "You don't have to feel so down about it, all right?"

"No, I'm not upset over what you didn't do," I told him. "But it's something else."

"Is it the same reason why you were crying yesterday?" he asked. "Back at the park?"

"It's somewhat related," I replied. "But I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, okay then," Shuuya-kun said.

We didn't talk much the remainder of the journey towards Sapporo Station. Besides, my cousin decided it was a much better idea to sleep than to talk to me. I suppose he too was embarrassed about the whole fiasco. I didn't blame him.

I couldn't help blushing when Shuuya-kun misinterpreted my actions. Of course, I guess it was natural to assume that a girl asking a man to her bed was asking for nothing else but that. In a way I was somewhat grateful Shuuya-kun didn't just force it on me, when he could have just done it if he wanted to. That way, I learned to trust him. Maybe I'd tell him everything one day. Maybe I'd tell him about what happened back in Hakodate. After all, he had trusted me when he opened himself up to me in the long talks we had. And now, I trusted him too.

I'm in a new city now, I told myself. It's a new beginning for me. It was a chance for me to build a new start from scratch. I could at least forget everything that had happened, everything that had started out all good and ended up on a very painful note. At least for now, if I could get through university without incident and enjoy my time here, that would be good enough. If I were not to be happy for Yukino-kun, that at least I should be happy for myself. I had been down and wallowing in the dirt for far too long. Far too long for anyone's good.

"Shuuya-kun," I asked sometime before we reached my stop. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," the young man said, slowly opening his eyes. "What is it?"

"Do you trust me?" I questioned him, turning around, unintentionally looking at him directly in the eye.

His deep brown eyes peeked at me through the gaps of his fringe. His cheeks flushed red the moment he heard my question.

"O-of course I do," he stuttered, turning his cheek away.

"Thank you," I said, slinging my bag on my shoulder. "That was really. . . Really nice of you to say."

"H-how about you, Ayano-chan?" he asked. "Do you trust me?"

"What do you think?" I shot back with a slight smile.

Shuuya-kun bit his lip, turning to look away. He shook his leg. It was kind of cute. I can't believe I was saying this, but my nineteen-year old cousin who once upon a time pushed me into a moat to drown was adorable.

The train soon reached Sapporo station, and it was time for me to get off.

"Well," I said as I stood up. "I'll see you later then. You take care at the hospital, don't stress yourself out too much alright?"

"R-right," came his reply.

"I'll see you at home then."

I walked out of the car as the doors opened. The platform was rather empty, given that it was around twenty minutes to ten. The morning crowd had all dissipated into the thousands of offices above.

For some reason, I had the urge to stop at the platform as the doors closed. From where I stood, I could see Shuuya-kun leaning back into his seat, haversack on his lap. The seat beside him lay empty. He looked up for a brief moment, and I took that opportunity to give him a slight wave. He waved back through the glass before the train finally picked up speed and left the station altogether. I watched as its lights disappear down the tunnel.

I had texted Yoshimura-san earlier that morning and she agreed to meet me in front of the library. It was nearer than the faculty building anyway.

She wore a brown hoodie and jeans that day, a far cry from the amethyst dress she had been trying out the other day. She even wore a grey wool beanie over her head. She looked really casual. I guess after a stressful uptight party like the one she had, one just had to unwind a bit. After exchanging greetings, we made our way to the lecture theatre in the faculty building.

"So how was the trip to Maruyama Park?" she asked me. "I suppose it must have been great. Well at least, better than being stuck in an elegant dress trying to keep a nice posture and entertaining guests."

"Honestly it didn't go as well as I thought it would be," I replied. "But I'm sure your party wasn't that bad."

Yoshimura-san giggled slightly.

"This young man ended up spilling a little wine on his tuxedo," she said. "He told us he would get it fixed right away and got outside. I, who somehow had the moment was upstairs in my room to get something, managed to overhear him when he stood right in front of the porch."

"Well," I asked, curious. "What did he do?"

It was always nice to talk with Yoshimura-san. She always had interesting things to say. I wished I was interesting as her, but she seemed so interested in whatever I had to say nonetheless. It was nice I guess, to have a friend like that.

"He called his driver," the young woman continued on with her story. "Asking to fetch him a new suit. Honestly the spill wasn't even that much, and it's not like it was the end of the world if a little wine spilled on your clothes."

"Well, like you said," I commented. "Image is pretty important to you people, so I guess maybe that's why he called the driver."

"Yeah, you have a point," she replied. "But that doesn't give you an excuse to lash out at people. It's pretty hilarious listening to how whiny he was about everything. He even whined at his driver when the poor bloke pulled up. Sometimes I wonder how these people could even stand working with such people."

"Well honestly such people are everywhere," I said. "You can't run away from them."

"I guess that's right," she answered, nodding her head curtly. "But other than that, the party was like every year's dinner party. Walk around, talk to people. Sit down in our special tatami room and have some food, not like I eat much. But otherwise, everything went rather. . . smoothly I guess. Even though I may not really like it very much. Anyway, enough talking about me, what was that thing about the Maruyama trip that you said didn't go exactly well?"

"Well," I muttered. "Do you remember that. . . That Eurasian boy you saw the other day?"

"Oh, the one that was talking to you last week?"

"Yeah, him," I said.

"What about him?" Yoshimura-san asked. "You met him at Maruyama Park?"

"Yeah," I replied. "He kind of confessed to me."

"Well it's kind of obvious that he likes you isn't it?" she said, brushing a strand of hair that flew past her face. "I'm guessing you rejected him? You did say it was a one-way thing."

"Yeah," I answered. "I wasn't exactly very proud of how I dealt with it, now come to think of it."

As Yoshimura-san and I walked down the lane, I caught sight of a familiar brown-haired figure in a grey backpack, leaning against a pole while messing around with his phone. Our eyes met for a brief moment, but he turned away and walked off. I couldn't help but feel a little bad about everything. But it wasn't like I could do anything much about it.

But I guess in the end, I had to learn how to let go of things. Everything that had happened in Hakodate was left far behind me. I could finally focus on the future, building a new life for myself. With people like Yoshimura-san and Shuuya-kun, I was sure I'd be able to. For the first time in two months, a glimmer of hope actually made way into my hurting chest. Sure, it wasn't much, but it was still there. Even if it was just a slither, it was there.

It was a pretty nice feeling.