Origami Girl

Chapter 28: Ephemeral Blossoms

"It is painfully easy to define human beings. They are beings who, for no good reason at all, create their own unnecessary suffering."

-Natsume Soseki, I am a Cat

The silence on the other end made me think nothing of it at first, but it seemed rather obvious after I called Kameko-chan after a few tries. When I called her again the next afternoon, the ringing suddenly stopped prematurely. Any other attempts I tried went instantly to a computerised answering machine.

She had blocked my number.

That was the closure that Kameko-chan had for me. A phone that would never answer. I supposed after everything that had happened, she would never want to speak with me ever again. I was fine with it, but if there ever came a chance that I would be able to sort everything out with her once and for all, I would grab it without a moment's hesitation.

I thought about going over to the house phone or borrowing Shuuya-kun's phone, but in the end let the idea pass. If Kameko-chan was not ready to talk to me, then no matter what I try, she won't. After all, even if I used a different number, the moment she realised it was me that was on the line, the girl who had stolen Yukino-kun away from her, she might as well end the call.

Winter turned into spring, and true enough, the cherry blossoms were blooming in April. It was truly a strange sight. The snow hadn't even disappeared completely yet.

"Well," my aunt said as I helped her to do the dishes. "They never bloomed so early before."

"They usually bloom sometime in May, don't they?" I asked. "Especially here up north."

"The children are all talking about it," my aunt said with a slight laugh. "It's so nice to see them get excited over the blossoms."

"How's everything going?" I asked. "I mean, with school."

"The usual, the first day was busy like always. But after that things get more relaxed when the children get used to their environment."

"Do you like the work you do with the children?" I asked her.

"Of course I do," my aunt chuckled. "I love working with children."

We were silent for a while when we arranged the plates together on the rack.

"Have you seen the cherry blossoms yet?" my aunt asked. "The ones in Maruyama Park are particularly pretty to look at."

"Well, it's not nice to watch blossoms all by myself."

"Then you can come with us then," my aunt said. "It'd be a shame if you don't see the flowers in Maruyama Park for yourself."

"Ah, I don't think it's nice for me to intrude."

"It won't be nice if only Shuuya and I went. He and his sister would follow me and we'll go see the blossoms. Every year."

"I guess I'll go then. . ." I replied. "My schedule is rather free nowadays."

"That's great," my aunt said with a smile. "We can go this Sunday."

Sure, I said, before leaving the kitchen. Shuuya-kun wasn't home, so it was just me and my aunt. My aunt had a half-day that day, since the children had some sort of excursion and the other teachers were taking over. I, on the other hand, had an afternoon lecture on that day, but I didn't need to be out of the house until four, so I spent most of my time in my room reading up for lectures and preparing notes. Law textbooks, I found out, where long, boring and complicated. But I suppose that was university life. It was a rather lonely routine, sitting at the desk and reading books, but I guess for now, that was what I was most comfortable with.

It had been a full month since Yukino-kun's death, but I couldn't really say for sure how I felt about it. All the free time given the gaps in my schedule gave me a lot of time to reflect on things. Yukino-kun being one of them.

Kameko-chan's silence wasn't helping. Sure, she might have been suffering as well, but to cut me off just like that? It was just too cruel. Nevertheless it didn't feel right for me to press this issue with her. I already felt bad enough for her and I didn't think invading her personal space would solve anything either.

"You don't look really well today," Shuuya-kun would often say when he saw me. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," I would say. "It's nothing."

Shuuya-kun would give me a look that felt to me as if he wasn't buying it, but he never said anything after that. Well, we both knew. We both knew that it wasn't nothing. Perhaps Shuuya-kun also felt that I needed some space.

Sometimes I wondered how long I could continue muttering that lie. Forever? It certainly couldn't be. But to express what I really felt, it was hard to put it into words. Sure, I could piece everything that I wanted to be heard into my head, but my tongue would undoubtedly refuse to talk about it, my ears refusing to listen to my tongue uttering those words of pain and loneliness.

But life doesn't wait for anyone, and I knew that just as well as anyone else. University did end up giving me some work to do, but it only took my mind off the matter for only a little while.

For the past month, Kashiwagi-kun sent me e-mails sometimes, asking me about how everything was going. I never replied.

We did bump a few times at campus, but I always gave him the excuse that I was very busy, or I was meeting a friend, so that I didn't really have to spend so much time with him. I still wasn't ready to talk to him. Whenever I was with him, I just felt guilty and horrible. I get that he was my friend, but I just hoped he could understand why I was acting in such a way. I didn't want to explain it to him, since it would be quite complicated, so I just left things as they were. I was sure he noticed it, but he never mentioned a word about it.

Just before I left, Yoshimura-san called me.

"Furukawa-san," she said, after we had greeted each other. "The lecture's been cancelled. Have you heard?"

"No," I replied. "Thanks for telling me, I was about to go out."

"They did send an e-mail," she said from the other end. "But I just wanted to check with you."

"Thanks for that."

"Do you want to go out for lunch?" she asked. "I'm near your area, we can meet up."

"I just ate," I told her. "You go ahead then, see you tomorrow."

"See you."

With that, I hung up. I went back into the living room and sat down on the sofa. I had the afternoon free. In all honesty, if this were Hakodate, and I had a free afternoon, I would have gladly spent it doing things I liked. But now, in Sapporo, it suddenly felt like there was nothing to be done. At least attending lectures would help me kill the time.

My aunt had gone out to buy some stationery and meet a friend of hers, she had told me just an hour before. I was alone, and had nothing to do.

I let myself fall onto the sofa, stretching out. I didn't know how long I took lazing about, but I quickly sat up again when I realised I was still in the dress which I had changed into just now, when I was heading out for the lecture. Immediately I went back to my room and changed into a t-shirt and track pants. It was much more convenient to wear long pants those days, considering the fact that I was living under the same roof as Shuuya-kun. I'd hate it for anything embarrassing to happen. Besides, I've never really felt comfortable wearing anything that was shorter then my lower thighs.

A part of me wanted to return to the sofa and continue to laze around, but in the end I decided to read the French verb chart I had photocopied from the campus library a few days ago. French was one of the elective subjects I decided to take up. On the other hand, Yoshimura-san took up Italian.

"I already understand French," she told me when I asked her on her choice. "More or less. Been to Paris a few times."

"But if you can already understand it, why don't you just take the course?" I questioned, curious. "I mean, you would certainly do well in the assessments and get a good amount of points for that."

"There's no point to calling it 'learning' if that's the case was it?" she replied. "There's no point in sitting through basic French lessons when I can understand them all."

I fell silent. She was right. If I was her I wouldn't spend my precious time sitting through a lesson on how to pronounce French vowels when I already could understand them. It was like asking me to sit through an elementary Japanese class.

"Nonetheless," she said after a while. "I'll be more than happy to help if you ask."

"Thanks."

The closer I got to Yoshimura-san, the more I knew about her obsession with everything French. She also loved fashion, but her tastes and mine were different, she loved everything high-end, while I preferred things I found cute. Yet again, I personally felt that I was beginning to put on more mature clothes, probably under my friend's influence.

Yoshimura-san loved to tell me about Paris. She visited every year with her family.

"Maybe I love France because of what it means to my family and I," she once mused aloud as we took a break between lectures.

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Well, Paris is usually our favourite holiday spot whenever my parents managed to get time off work. They'd book a trip during summer break and we'd all just drop everything and leave. We don't need a hotel, we have some properties there, so it's all fine."

"That must be nice," I commented.

"It sure is."

Whenever I had free time in between classes, and Yoshimura-san wasn't free, I would spend my time at the campus library. It was quiet and nobody disturbed me, so I was fine. I didn't know anybody there to begin with. I would just sit there and do some research or work on my French while I waited for Yoshimura-san. But mostly I was there to kill time. There was nothing to do at my aunt's apartment, and it wasn't like I truly felt comfortable there.

It was times like those, sitting in the library all alone, flipping through a thick revised pile of notes half-heartedly, did I realise that I missed my senior high school days. The people I used to hang out with were not there with me. Sayaka-chan had gone off to a fashion college, Kameko-chan and I were no longer on speaking terms and Yukino-kun was dead. Well, I still had Kashiwagi-kun, but I still remained somewhat ambivalent towards him. I knew it wasn't fair to him, but I just needed some time.

Well, I told myself. I might as well make the best of it. Sapporo gave me a chance at a fresh start in a new environment, so I should try to at least make things work. Now I had Yoshimura-san to talk to, so it wasn't too bad, and Shuuya-kun made a decent conversation partner as well. Besides, I chose to go here by my own accord, there's no use for me to complain about it.

It was then when I heard the front door open. Scrambling out of the sofa, I quickly adjusted my clothes and got up.

Shuuya-kun had returned. Slinging his knapsack over one shoulder, he kicked off his shoes in the entrance hall. He wore a blue chequered shirt and jeans. He didn't seem to notice me walking up to him from the hallway.

"Tadaima," he muttered softly as he looked down at his shoes.

"Welcome back," I replied. "How has everything been today?"

Shuuya-kun looked up abruptly when he heard my reply, before his cheeks turned red and he turned away. I guess he had assumed that no one was at home.

"F-fine," he muttered. "Nothing really interesting happened, so yeah."

With that, the boy stepped onto the raised hallway, and was probably headed for his room, but I wasn't going to allow him to just leave his shoes lying around like that. I was about to call out to him, but noticing how exhausted he seemed, decided against it. So I just made my way to the genkan without a word and was about to pick up his right sneaker. I was getting used to it anyway. Besides, who was I to order him around, this was his house.

"What are you doing?" he asked me, standing by his door.

"Oh," I answered, quickly moving my hand back. "I was just you know- helping you keep things tidy."

"You don't have to," he said walking up to me hurriedly. "I'll do it myself."

"It's nothing," I said, picking up his sneaker again. "I can do it."

I was about to reach out for his other shoe when Shuuya-kun knelt down in front of me. For a brief moment I felt the slight coolness of his palm as it brushed against mine. I looked up, and incidentally my cousin looked up as well. I found myself looking directly into his eyes. I gulped. My heart thumped in my chest. For a brief moment, I froze, not really knowing what to do.

Shuuya-kun bit his lip, and immediately turned away, retracting his hand from the sneaker. I did the same, and backed away. I felt my cheeks getting warm and I noticed from the side that he was red too.

"I-it's fine," he mumbled after a while. "I'll do it myself."

I silently let him. Shuuya-kun slowly picked up his sneakers, careful not to look at me, before placing them neatly at the side. Once we got that over with, we both stood up.

"Next time," he said, scratching the back of his head. "You don't have to clean up after me. It's already good enough that you don't create any other messes."

"S-sure," I replied. "It's okay."

"Y-yeah," he responded, chuckling awkwardly.

Shuuya-kun returned to his room, while I went back to the living room. I didn't really have anything to do, so I decided to look through Momoka-chan's old magazines. I got bored of it soon enough, and switched on the television instead, but there was nothing interesting being aired.

It wasn't long before Shuuya-kun appeared in the living room, heading straight for the kitchen. He was still in the same clothes that he wore just now. I wanted to say something to break the silence, but thought better of it and continued to at least pay attention to the boring scientific documentary that was airing on NHK. I wasn't even the least interested in knowing about nuclear reactors, but I had it to thank for the sound that filled the awkward silence.

Shuuya-kun got out of the kitchen and walked over to the living room door. Neither of us said anything, and I tried my best to focus on the television and not appear nervous.

"I'm going out to the supermarket for a while," he told me. "If you need anything feel free to call."

Shuuya-kun was about to turn and leave the room when I called out to him.

"Wait," I said, nearly instinctively. "Can I come along?"

Shuuya-kun looked at me, biting his lip. I gulped. Silly me, I shouldn't have said that without thinking. It was just that I was so bored sitting around the apartment with my lectures cancelled, I thought that going outside would help. I tried not to seem to awkward after blurting out what I had just said, and instead just stood up slowly as gently as I could.

"S-sure," came Shuuya-kun's reply. "You go get ready, I'll just sit around here."

I nodded curtly and immediately made my way to my room. The dress I had worn just now was still hung on the hooks hidden behind the door, but I was rather apprehensive to wearing it. I was just going to the supermarket anyway, and it wasn't that far from here. In the end I just went with a pink hoodie and jeans. It had a cute little cat icon right at the front. It was the same hoodie which I had shrouded myself in when Yukino-kun and his mother came to pick me up when I was stuck in the heavy downpour. It felt like it happened a lifetime ago, but the memories I had made were still fresh.

I smiled sadly as I changed into the hoodie. I guess in a sense, a part of Yukino-kun still lived with me, in those precious moments that we shared, and the impression he had left on me. I'd never forget it. I grabbed my handbag and walked back to the living room.

"Let's go then," I said to my cousin, who was watching the television, "I'm ready."

Shuuya-kun stood up and switched the television off. Together, we made our way to the entrance hall, but not before Shuuya-kun checked whether the gas was off.

"I was checking whether the gas might have been left on accidentally," he told me when I asked him what he did when he went to the kitchen. "You know, it's kind of dangerous. . . and wasteful."

We put on our shoes and Shuuya-kun locked the door behind him. The wait for the lift felt long, even though I suppose in reality it wasn't.

"So . . ." I said, breaking the ice. "What are we going to buy?"

"Well," Shuuya-kun said, hands shoved in his pockets, eyes staring straight at the digital numbers above the lift. " We're running low on rice, so I guess we're getting that. . . And some condiments, dishwashing liquid, eggs, onions, I guess."

"Isn't that kind of heavy for you to carry everything all by yourself?" I asked.

"Not really," he said. "It's not something I can't handle."

"Oh yes," I muttered, correcting myself. "You work with moving things anyway."

"Yeah. . ."

The lift arrived and we got off at the ground storey. We exited the building and walked out into the main street. A few elementary schoolchildren were walking back home with their mothers. Right, it was already late in the afternoon, all school activities would have ended already. I watched, on the other side of the street as two young high school girls gleefully chattered away as they walked in the opposite direction. Time flies so fast.

"It only felt like yesterday when we were still in senior high school," I muttered. "Time flies so fast doesn't it?"

Shuuya-kun silently nodded his head.

"Well," he mumbled. "I guess that's how it really is."

We continued to walk towards the supermarket. Shuuya-kun told me it wasn't very far from there, but from what I experienced, it didn't really feel like it. But of course, it was much better than staying inside the apartment with nothing to do.

"Shuuya-kun, can I ask you something?" I asked after a while.

"What is it?" he asked, as he jammed his thumb against the button of the traffic light.

"I hope it's not too sensitive, and if it is, then I'm really sorry," I said.

"Just say it," he replied, as the light turned green.

I was hesitant for a while, and kept silent as the both of us crossed the road. Traffic stopped behind the crossings, and Shuuya-kun and I made our way to the other side by side. Shuuya-kun didn't prod me, so I held my tongue until much later. We were at a stretch of street with the supermarket in sight when I spoke to him again.

"I was just wondering. . ." I said, fidgeting with my fingers. "I mean, after all you've been through, losing your father like that. . . I'm sure it must have been very hard for you."

"Your point being?" he asked, his right eyebrow raised.

"I-I mean," I muttered awkwardly. "I just wanted to ask you how you could go through and live with all that's happened."

Shuuya-kun didn't reply for a while, turning his neck to face the opposite side of the street. The moment he did that, I immediately regretted asking him what I did earlier. It must have been rude for me to make him dig up old scars.

"I don't," he suddenly said. "I mean -it's a really difficult feeling to describe- But, I don't know, how I cope with all this, you ask?"

I nodded my head.

"People die when it is time for them to die," Shuuya-kun said. "There's nothing you can do about it."

The two of us walked past a bookstore, where I caught sight of our reflection in the shop display. We looked like a sad, lonely couple.

It didn't take long before we made it to the supermarket. It was quite a distance to walk to, but Shuuya-kun didn't seem to mind. We entered, and I followed my cousin's lead. Shuuya-kun had grabbed a trolley by the entrance, while I helped to carry a basket. We headed straight for the essentials -rice- way at the back of the store. I've read somewhere that it was a marketing strategy, since customers would always look and search for the essentials anyway, so placing it far from everything else, forcing customers to pass through aisles of other products, in hope of garnering some extra sales. That tactic didn't work on me though.

Shuuya-kun lifted the rice and put it in the trolley. It looked heavy, but he didn't seem to flinch. It would have taken me a lot of effort, and a lot of heavy breathing, mind you, to actually even move that thing. It reminded me of the time when Shuuya-kun managed to catch my luggage bag in mid-air.

"Isn't it heavy?" I asked him, once we were moving away from the rice aisle.

"Of course," he said. "But well, I'm used to it."

"You're quite strong," I commented. "I mean, I don't think I'd ever be able to do that without any help."

Shuuya-kun seemed to pretend that he never heard me, but I caught sight of his cheeks turning slightly rosy. We moved on to the vegetable racks where we picked out a packet of onions, before moving on to the eggs. All of this I placed in my basket.

"Just place it in the trolley," Shuuya-kun insisted.

"Why?" I asked. "You're already pushing the rice, and I bet it must be rather heavy. . ."

"Fine," he muttered. "Do whatever you want."

I looked up, and noticed that he was glaring at me through the gaps of his fringe.

I fell silent and looked away. He seemed rather agitated, for some reason. I wasn't too sure, but I just kept quiet. I didn't know what to do, so I just went on following him around. I just let him take out whatever that was needed from the shelves and placed them on the trolley. I just spent most of my time spacing out and looking at whatever there was on display. I noticed Shuuya-kun stealing awkward glances at me from time to time, but I just ignored him. Well, he seemed to be in a bad mood anyway, so I just minded my own business.

My cousin's demeanour reminded me so much of Yukino-kun. That irritated, agitated glare was nearly alike to the look Yukino-kun used to give to Kashiwagi-san whenever he felt threatened. I couldn't help but feel the loneliness creep into my heart for a while. I still hadn't gotten used to it.

We were at the condiments shelf, and Shuuya-kun was just picking out what we needed. I spotted a shelf containing curry mixes, and walked over to it. Shuuya-kun was still picking something out, but I ignored him and looked at the curry boxes instead. It wasn't like we were talking anyway.

It reminded me of the time last year when I headed to Yukino-kun's apartment and the both of us had dinner together. We had some curry, if I recalled correctly. I was the one who mostly did the cooking, but it was nice to be able to be spending time together. Sure, back then it seemed so simple and trivial, but now that I looked at it, even the most trivial moments I had with Yukino-kun were the most precious things I've ever had. Yet there was no way I would be able to get them back. All I was left with were the memories.

I wished things had turned out differently. I really do.

Shuuya-kun was already done by the time I turned to look at him, so the both of us made our way to the cashier. Shuuya-kun paid with the money his mother had left him. With that, I carried the lighter bags while Shuuya-kun carried the rice and detergent.

As we walked the distance back home, I couldn't help but feel the exhaustion tugging at my arms. The onions in the bag weren't exactly very light. But I supposed it was better than lugging rice or detergent in my hands. But Shuuya-kun didn't seem to have a problem with it, so I guess it was just me. Besides, I wasn't that strong.

We were waiting at the same crossing as earlier, albeit coming from the opposite side, when Shuuya-kun said something for the first time ever since he glared at me at the supermarket a while ago. I heard Shuuya-kun place the plastic bags on the ground for a while, followed by the light rustling of his hand rummaging through it, as if in search of something.

"Ayano-chan," he called out to me.

I turned around and watched him stand up. He held something out to me in his arm. It was a bottle.

"I bought this just now," he said, his free hand scratching the back of his head. "You know, I'm sorry for what happened back there. I'm just quite- Well, today wasn't exactly a very good day."

It took me awhile for me to register what he was referring to. Smiling nervously, I accepted his gift. It was a bottle of peach tea.

"Thank you," I mumbled in reply. "That's really nice of you."

Shuuya-kun curled his lips into a shy smile, before he bit his lip and picked up the bags on the floor. The light turned green and the two of us crossed to the other side. I wasn't thirsty yet, and I didn't want to force the both of us to pause just that I could open my drink.

"It's so tiring to work at the hospital," Shuuya-kun muttered after a while.

"Just a month and you're already in the hospital?" I asked, surprised.

"Yeah. . ." he said. "It's really tiring, and I have to wheel patients around and stuff like that."

"Isn't it a little too early?" I questioned.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," I said. "No introductory courses or anything? So you just get a work attachment straight away?"

Shuuya-kun looked at me, biting his lower lip, before he chuckled and turned away.

"I'm already in my second year," he told me. "I was born in February remember?"

"Oh yes," I giggled awkwardly. "I must have forgotten. But didn't you have an opening ceremony this year?"

"We have it every year. But it wasn't compulsory for second years and above."

"Then why did you go then?" I asked him.

"I had nothing better to do that day," he said.

Right, Shuuya-kun was in the second year of university. I didn't realise that. I just happily assumed that since we were the same age, we were in the same year. Well, how wrong I was.

"If you're working at the hospital, don't you have a uniform?" I asked. "I didn't see you wearing it this morning."

"Well, I'd be crazy if I wore it straight from home in this kind of cold," he said. "I went to the hospital and changed, of course."

"Well, that makes sense," I said.

We walked down the road and reached the elementary school not so far away from the station.

"My mother works there," he said to me, pointing towards the building with his chin.

"Well, she seems like the type who loves children," I replied. "I'm sure she likes her job."

"She sure does," the young man said. "Honestly, I wanted to get a job in education, but oh well."

"Why not?" I asked. "If you want to do something, you should go for it."

We stopped in front of the schoolyard, right in front of the entrance, where parents were beginning to pick up their children. Young boys and girls, straddling backpacks streamed out of the school gate hand-in-hand with their mothers. The few stragglers whose parents weren't there yet stood beside a bespectacled woman under the foyer.

"It's not that I can't handle children," Shuuya-kun said. "But it's so difficult to be smiling all the time. I know that's how you interact with kids but. . . It's difficult."

"I get what you mean," I answered as the both of us headed away from the school.

"I don't know how my mother can do that," Shuuya-kun said. "Well, she works with these young, energetic children full of optimism, so I guess she has to play her part. Meanwhile here I am working with the dying. It's kind of sad, you know?"

I said nothing. A soft breeze blew strands of hair into my face. I just let it be for the time being.

"I'm attached to the oncology ward," he replied. "Specifically for the clinic in charge of late-stage cancer patients."

"I get why it must have been quite difficult for you," I said to him. "I mean, you've witnessed it first-hand, now you have to see it again and again."

"The wards aren't that far away, and sometimes I'm posted to do check-up duties there too, especially for the inpatients who are bedridden. And today. . . there was this man who was on heavy painkillers in the private ward. He had two children, the older girl around your age, and the second daughter about as old as your brother. I was about to do his daily check-up and monitoring, so he asked his children to head to the cafeteria first, and they can come back when I was done."

Shuuya-kun let out a shallow breath.

"So I was just adjusting his drip when the man asked me to crank up the morphine and just let him die."

I gasped, rather involuntarily. Shuuya-kun looked at me, his deep brown eyes peeking from beneath the gaps of his fringe.

"That must have been horrible," I said. "For him, his family. . . and for you to hear that. . ."

"He said he didn't want his family to suffer anymore. The doctor said that he still had a few more months, but he told me that he didn't want to burden his family any longer. He pleaded with me, Ayano-chan, he was nearly crying," Shuuya-kun said, gazing solemnly onto the sidewalk. "But of course, I didn't do it. Not only was I not in the right position to do so, but I just. . . can't bring myself to do something like that."

"Especially after what happened with your family," I said softly.

"Yeah," he muttered. "I just told my supervisor, and they managed to get some discussions going for him and his family. I don't know how's it all going to turn out. Besides, I think it's better if I don't know."

"They do give him that option right?" I asked. "Through the hospital, with the right procedures and all."

Shuuya-kun nodded.

"My parents did discuss about it though, but they decided against it," he said after a while. "They said my father could only live for two more months, but well, he lived up to six. He said he was sick of staying in the hospital, so got him discharged and made him as comfortable as we could at home. We spent a lot of time together in those days, talking about things, eating dinner as a family. All those things we used to take for granted suddenly seemed like the most precious things in the world when we all knew my father was about to die. But in the end, I'm glad we didn't go on with that horrible thing.

"I guess that way, we managed to get some form of closure I suppose. When he finally passed away, he had all three of us by his side. Well, I do miss him, but I'm really thankful for that six months we had together. There's nothing else that I could ever ask for."

"At least you got to say goodbye," I muttered softly.

"Yeah. . ." Shuuya-kun mumbled.

We walked past Family Mart at the intersection, and turned at the next crossing. Right before the unagi shop, I stopped and placed the bags on the ground. Leaning against the utility pole weakly, I caught a few breaths. My arms were nearly limp after carrying the load for -what I found to be- a long distance.

"Come on, we're nearly there," Shuuya-kun said, pausing to look behind. "It's just around the corner."

"Can we just wait for a while?" I asked, shaking the lifelessness out of my arms. "I don't think I can lift these anymore."

Shuuya-kun sighed, before walking up to me. He bent down and picked up the bags I had left on the ground with his already-full hands. The handle of the carriers hung precariously from his fingers, but Shuuya-kun seemed fine with it. He looked at me and tilted his head slightly, towards the direction of the apartment, so I stood up straight and walked along with him.

"How do you even manage to carry something so heavy?" I asked, as we both made our way past the unagi shop.

"Well, it's nothing," he said. "Really."

"That was a serious question," I pouted.

"Well maybe that's because I'm male?" Shuuya-kun answered, his expression perplexed. "What are we even talking about?"

"I don't know either," I said, tugging at the sleeves of my hoodie.

In truth, I only started a new conversation topic so as to give the both of us a break from talking about sad and depressing things. I couldn't help but think about what Shuuya-kun had said. That he was able to say goodbye and spend time with his father all the while knowing that he was about to die. In a sense what he said, what he experienced, did have some sort of closure to it. The death was expected, so the family had time to mentally prepare themselves. But in my case? It came like a typhoon hitting the shore.

"Well," Shuuya-kun muttered. "I do go to the university gym sometimes, if that's a satisfactory answer for you."

"How do you find time?" I asked. "With your work attachments and all that. You even have a part-time job don't you?"

"Timetabling I guess," he replied, leaning his head back and looking towards the sky. "I mean, I have a lot of things to do, but I can manage it, I think."

"Meanwhile I seem to have a lot of free time on my hands," I said. "There doesn't seem to be anything to do. Especially in a strange new place like this."

"That's what I thought as a first year," he chuckled. "But after that the curriculum feels like it's out to get you. I'm sure law gets more intense after the first few modules."

"I guess I have a lot of things to look forward to then," I giggled, pressing the lift button. "At least work takes my mind off. . . things."

Shuuya-kun seemed to have noticed my hesitant pause at the end, but said nothing of it.

"Are you taking any electives currently?" I asked as the lift opened the doors at the eleventh storey.

"Well, I have a work attachment for these two months, so I'll be taking my electives only on Wednesday, since it's my day off from the hospital. Well, I go there to university to train at the gym too, so it's not really a wasted day off," he said. "Like I said, it's all about time management."

"I'll be sure to take that in mind," I replied, smiling.

We reached the door, and Shuuya-kun asked me to help him open the gate. I had the keys in my handbag, so I did as he asked. I opened the door and let him in first. Stepping inside, I could hear the radio playing from the living room.

"Tadaima," Shuuya-kun called out as we entered.

"Oh, you two are back already?" my aunt greeted, stepping toward us.

Shuuya-kun grunted in reply, and my aunt took some of the bags and brought them with her to the kitchen. He kicked off his shoes and stepped onto the raised hallway, but not before turning around and shooting me a glance.

"Just leave my shoes there, don't bother about it," he said just as I was about to shift his sneakers to the side. "I can do it myself."

The sides of his lips curled up into a playful smirk. I found my cheeks turning red and I slowly stood up, leaving his sneakers alone. Shuuya-kun walked off and disappeared down the hallway.

Shuuya-kun cooked dinner again that night. This time I made sure to help out, even though he insisted that he could do everything himself.

"You just wait outside," he told me. "I'll handle everything here."

"You've already done so much today," I told him. "I'll help you out."

"Well, fine," he said, looking slightly uncomfortable.

I guess he just wasn't used to having his time in the kitchen occupied by someone else other than his mother. I arrived just in time thankfully, Shuuya-kun hadn't started cooking yet. I caught sight of the apron hanging from the hook beside the fridge, which I assumed to be my aunt's. I took it nonetheless, and tied the strings behind my back. I was sure she wouldn't mind.

"So," I said. "What can I help you with?"

"Well," he replied as he took the chukanabe from the cabinet. "The vegetables are still in the fridge, could you help me prepare them?"

"Which ones?" I asked as I held the door of the fridge open.

"Uhh. . ." he muttered. "Carrots and peppers, yeah. And the lettuce."

I got whatever he had asked me to, and placed them on the counter top. Shuuya-kan passed me the chopping board and knife. I thanked him with an awkward nod.

Shuuya-kun drizzled some oil in the chukanabe and threw in the diced beef. With the ladle, he stirred the beef around. I, meanwhile, busied myself dicing the lettuce and was about to move on to the carrots when Shuuya-kun seemed like he just remembered something. Leaving the ladle inside, he quickly opened a cabinet and drew out two onions from a bag.

"Could you help me peel and slice these?" he asked, a slight frantic edge in his voice. "I forgot to ask you to take them out just now."

"Sure," I answered, rushing over to the basin.

Of course, I had to act quickly, or I might risk causing the beef to cook completely before allowing them to soak up the juices of the onion.

"What's for dinner tonight?" I asked as I hurriedly peeled and washed the onions.

"Yakisoba," Shuuya-kun replied, sounding a little impatient.

I sliced the onions as fast as I could and dumped it all with the beef. Shuuya-kun took care of it, while I continued with the vegetables. Once I was done, Shuuya-kun picked up the whole chopping board and let everything slide in. He immediately added black pepper and sauce into the mix. I backed away and let him do everything. He did seem slightly frustrated after the mix-up with the onions, so I let him be. I guess he worked better alone anyway. Me too, actually.

I only helped him to set up the table after that. Shuuya-kun scooped up the noodles into the plates. Immediately after that, the three of us headed to the dining table where we had dinner together.

"Ayano-chan helped you out in the kitchen today?" my aunt asked Shuuya-kun after we had begun our meal, looking directly at her son, eyebrows raised. "Usually you don't even let me help you in the kitchen."

"Well," Shuuya-kun said, stealing a glance at me. "I was tired today, so I asked Ayano-chan to help. I didn't want to disturb you, I mean, you just came back."

I slowly looked away when I felt both of their eyes on me, as if expecting me to say something. Instead, I wordlessly ate my noodles.

Shuuya-kun and his mother continued to talk about some other affairs, mentioning names of people I didn't know. Considering how Shuuya-kun seemed irritated about his blunder in the kitchen, I doubted that he actually needed my help in the kitchen. He seemed to do fine on his own after I took a step back. I wondered why he had told his mother that though. I was probably overthinking things again, so I shook the thought out of my head, and continued to eat my dinner in silence. The evening news was on the television, so at least there was something I could differ my attention to. Not to say there was anything interesting playing on the news.

"So, Ayano-chan," my aunt suddenly addressed me. "About what we were talking about during lunch."

"Yeah?" I responded, slightly startled that the conversation had suddenly decided to include me in it. "Hanami. What about it?"

"You're free this Sunday aren't you?" she asked. "There's nothing going on?"

"Yes, I am," I replied. "I guess we I can join the both of you then."

"That's great then," she said, adjusting the chopsticks between her fingers. "You'd be at a loss if you live in Sapporo and have never seen the blossoms in full bloom at Maruyama Park."

"Sure," I said. "I'll look forward to it."

Shuuya-kun stole a glance at me from across the table, and our gazes met briefly. The boy quickly looked away.

We finished up our dinner and my aunt and I did the dishes together, just like what we did during lunch. Shuuya-kun had retired to his room, I thought, since I didn't see him.

"It's been such a long time since I saw that son of mine open up to other people," my aunt said. "Well, to be fair, I've never seen him bring any of his friends home. And he's pretty much independent and deals with his own things anyway."

I nodded my head silently. I couldn't deny that I found my cousin somewhat interesting. It was nice being able to talk to him.

As I lay in my futon that night, I couldn't help but look forward to viewing the cherry blossoms that Sunday with Shuuya-kun and his mother. If I could forget about all the death and misery for a moment, even for just a small, minute moment, I would gladly take it.

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I had a tutorial at ten the next morning. I met up with Yoshimura-san at the station and we made our way to the main gate together. It was a fine spring morning, the clouds dotting the blue sky and the rays of the morning sun not too harsh on the skin. It was half past nine when I got on the train, and the morning rush hour crowd had all but disappeared. It left me with an empty train.

"I love it when the trains are empty," I told Yoshimura-san as we crossed the road and headed into campus. "At least it's not cramped and there's ample space."

"I get what you mean," she giggled. "Trains like that are perfect to do some deep thinking in."

"True," I replied.

The two of us walked down the main lane, towards the law faculty wing. The tutorial was in one of the smaller seminar rooms. There were still patches of light snow on the ground, but otherwise, the first few shoots of spring had emerged from the bare earth. Small, brightly coloured tufts of grass began to spurt all over the lawn. It wasn't going to be long before the who lawn was a meadow of soft carpet grass.

That day, Yoshimura-san seemed to pick a more casual assortment for her outfit. She wore a black pullover dress, with elegant white cuffs and a smooth collar. She let her hair fall loosely to her shoulders, her bangs covering her forehead. She always had this serious aura about her, and I guess that's what drew me to her in the first place. Maturity, elegance. That's what I myself sought in this new city filled with new people. My days of childishness had faded away to obscurity. I myself wore an olive polo dress. I thought about wearing a jacket over it, but in the end turned the idea down. I would be overdoing it.

The seminar room had only a couple of students when I arrived. I guess nobody really wanted to sign up for the Thursday session. Even the tutor wasn't there. We were supposed to be discussing the last assignment but since nothing was going on yet, the two of us just went ahead to sit down at a vacant table.

"I'm going back to Asahikawa this weekend," Yoshimura-san said after we had settled in. "My parents are hosting some dinner party with a few family friends, and my presence is compulsory."

"You don't sound like you really want to go," I commented.

"It's not that," she said. "But you know, it gets tiring sometimes."

"The repetitiveness?"

"Not really," she replied. "I just get a little nervous every time it happens. Yeah, they might be long-time family friends, but the main purpose of it is to discuss business deals, and that brings about this heavy atmosphere to it. But I'm used to it."

"Well, but at least you can just sit there and enjoy the food, I guess," I said.

"It's nothing like that," she replied. "It's more of a social event, so I, as the host's daughter end up talking and entertaining. Eating is rather minimal actually. Quite a misleading title don't you think?"

"Ah, I've never been to one before."

"Good for you then," Yoshimura-san said. "I'm sure you're not the type who can stand entertaining other people. Me too, actually."

"Then how could you do it?" I asked. "Your family hosts this 'dinner party' every year don't they?"

"Well," the young woman replied. "If your set your mind to it and force yourself to do it, everything will go according to plan. The main thing about this kind of events is image. Put on a midnight blue dress, perm your hair slightly, grab a matching Burberry and heels, and suddenly everybody will take you seriously. It's that kind of world we live in, like it or not. Horrible, isn't it?"

I didn't expect Yoshimura-san to say something like that, but as a sharp, intelligent young woman, I guess her words didn't really come out of nowhere. Nonetheless, I could only nod my head in agreement.

It was at that moment where the tutor arrived, so we cut our conversation short and took out our assignments. I didn't really pay attention to the tutor though, blindly copying notes and jotting down whatever he said. When he came over to check my work, I just nodded at his comments. There weren't anything jarring in my work so I guess I was fine. I thought of what Yoshimura-san said, about the dinner party her family was hosting.

"Say. . ." I asked her once we left the seminar room at the conclusion of the tutorial. "Can I ask you something, Yoshimura-san?"

"What is it?" she said, putting her phone away.

"Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

"Well, two actually," she replied. "As you can tell, they did not go very well."

"Ah, it must have been quite difficult for you. . ."

"Difficult?" she chuckled, looking at me. "Well, they were the difficult ones, not me."

"What do you mean?" I asked her.

"Just give me a second," Yoshimura-san told me, typing someone a message once we were outside the entrance of the law faculty building.

"Sure."

I walked slightly further, to give Yoshimura-san some privacy. There was a bench nearby, so I waited there for her. I didn't know how long it would take for her, but when I turned around to check on her, she was on the line. I guess it must have been something rather important.

"Furukawa-chan."

I could recognise that voice anywhere. I looked up almost immediately.

There he was, Kashiwagi-kun standing directly in front of me. I gulped. How could I ever explain to him how I just cut him off like that? It would be too difficult to explain, and I felt that I still needed some space before I could be comfortable around him again.

He was wearing a maroon chequered flannel shirt, a grey knapsack hanging from his shoulders. His deep brown hair was shorter this time, and he had it ruffled up with some sort of hair product. I was still nervously searching for answers for the possible queries he was going to throw at me, before realising that there were a few other people waiting for him not so far away. Three boys around his age and a girl. Probably there were all from the medicine faculty.

My breath of relief soon disappeared though, as Kashiwagi-kun turned to address them.

"I'll catch up with you people later," he said, raising his arm.

I looked on hopelessly at my quick ride out getting further and further away, their backs facing us as they walked down the lane. It was only the both of us now. I could feel the boy looking at me.

"H-hey," he muttered, breaking the silence. "How's it been?"

"Great," I replied, clutching the handbag on my lap.

"We haven't seen each other for quite a while. . ." the boy muttered, hands shoved in his pockets. "You must have been really busy I guess. Sorry for disturbing you."

"It's. . . not a problem," I said, hesitant. "The workload's getting really heavy, and it just takes up so much of my time."

"I've been calling you for the past few days," Kashiwagi-kun said, scratching the back of his head. "I was kind of worried then you didn't answer. Well, I thought something happened."

"It's fine," I said to him. "It's just that my phone- yeah, it's been malfunctioning for the time being, so I don't get any calls at all."

"Ah," the boy chuckled nervously. "So I guess that's why. . ."

"Yeah," I muttered, nodding my head.

Kashiwagi-kun bit his lips, trying to prevent them from curling up into an awkward smile.

"Anyway, I wanted to ask you something," he said, his eyes looking at the snow-covered asphalt.

I just kept quiet and let him find his words. Nervously, I stole a glance at the back towards Yoshimura-san, who seemed to have finished with her call and was putting the phone in her handbag. We made eye contact for a brief moment, and she frowned. I had no idea why she was frowning, perhaps it was because of the call earlier. It did seem like an important call.

"A-are you free this Sunday?" the boy asked. "I thought we could go view the cherry blossoms together. . ."

I immediately turned to face him again. His right hand was fidgeting with the strap of his bag, and his other hand was shoved deep into his jeans pocket. His cheeks were flushing red. It's strange how hiss reaction to my presence changed ever since we graduated from senior high together back in Hakodate. It's been a month, but it seemed like so much had changed. Perhaps it was because Sayaka-chan was no longer there to keep the balance between us anymore.

"This Sunday?" I asked, a bit surprised that he asked me out.

"Y-yeah," Kashiwagi-kun replied, his eyes looking at someplace else. "Well, I was thinking you might free, and maybe you'd like to see the blossoms this year with me."

I paused for a moment.

"Well," I said after a while. "Actually-"

I was interrupted by the sound of a deliberate cough. I immediately turned my head to where it came from. It was Yoshimura-san, standing there beside the bench. She turned to me, before she looked at Kashiwagi-kun.

"I'm sorry, but Ayano-chan and I have to go somewhere," the young woman said, with a calm and cool composure. "We'll be late for the appointment."

"Ah, right," Kashiwagi-kun said, taking a step backward. "Well then. . . I guess until next time then. . ."

The boy nodded at me before walking away in the same direction where his friends had went earlier. Yoshimura-san and I watched as the boy walked ahead, the knapsack bouncing with every stride that he took. Once we were sure he wasn't going to turn back, I stood up.

"Sorry about that," Yoshimura-san said. "About calling you by your first name. I mean, he seemed to be bothering you, so I tried to get him to leave."

"Thanks," I replied. "And don't worry about that, I'm fine with it."

"It's been so long since I called someone by their first name," she said. "Being formal all the time can be pretty tiring."

The both of us made our way to the main gate.

"I have to do some shopping," she said to me. "Do you want to come along? I'll need some opinions on my new dress."

"For the dinner party?" I asked.

"Unfortunately, yes," the young woman replied. "My mother called me just now telling me to get a new dress."

"That long a call just because of that?"

"Well, we did talk about some other things too, but yeah," she said. "When I was in Asahikawa my parents would help me with the shopping, but this year I'm on my own."

"They trust your taste, I guess," I said.

"Well I hope they do."

The mall wasn't that far from the station, so Yoshimura-san told me that I needn't need to worry about getting home.

"Anyway," the young woman said as the both of us waited for the subway at the platform. "Wasn't that guy just now the same one which called out to you that day during the first day of school? You ignored him, so I just assumed that you didn't really find his presence desirable."

"Well, it's not that. . ." I replied, fidgeting with my fingers. "To put it correctly, it's actually pretty complicated."

"Ah," she said. "Boyfriend?"

"Not exactly," I replied, adjusting my hair. "It's more of a one-sided thing."

"I can surely see which side it is," Yoshimura-san chuckled.

The train pulled up to the platform, and the both of us boarded.

"Anyway," Yoshimura-san said. "While we're on the subject of boyfriends. . . I was talking about that just now wasn't I?"

"You were talking about how you used to have two boyfriends."

"You make it sound like I was dating the both of them at the same time," she said jokingly. "But yeah, about that."

"Well," I asked. "What about them?"

"They were rather difficult, the both of them," she told me. "Spoiled. Whiny when things didn't go their way. Well, one was the son of a diplomat and the last one came from a corporate background."

"You mix around with a lot of the wealthy it seems," I said.

"Actually, I came from an all-girls school. It's just that a few of my friends tried to match make me with the guys from the all-boys school not too far away. It's one of those schools for the upper class, so I guess it's more typical for these kind of whiny kids to be there," Yoshimura-san replied. "Of course, I was too smart for the both of them. Couldn't stand how I picked out their flaws when I had enough of them."

"Then why did you date them then?" I asked.

"I was bored," she replied. "But don't think me of a horrible person though. Those two, they tried to put on a show, tried to impress me. The first one kept talking about his family, as if it meant anything to me, and the second was a baseball player, you know, those cocky types. Think I'd fall for a charming grin and some defined muscles. I'm not an idiot. If you step into my kind of world, you'll understand how fake most people are. And I can't stand that."

"Well, I guess you have a point," I said to her.

The train pulled over at Odori station and the both of us got off.

"Of course I knew what their intentions were. I had connections, I had a family business, and they were trying to earn my favour. I can tell you know?" she said. "You're different, on the other hand, and that's why I really like you."

"What do you mean?"

"Remember when I treated you for lunch that day?" she asked. "At the French restaurant?"

"Yeah?"

"You seemed to be more interested in what I had to say about literature than what I had to say about my background. Most people wouldn't be so interested, and they'll try to move the conversation to something else, like the factory in Asahikawa. Telling me that they want to know more. I know I shouldn't judge initially, but I realised a strong correlation between that initial topic and how they'd treat me later on. Most of them ended up sucking up to me, as if I couldn't see that. But you know, in this world, you have to play along."

"Well, you could just tell them off you know," I said. "Maybe you'll deal with lesser hypocrites that way."

"If only this world would be so accommodating to puritans, then I would have," she replied as we exited the station and into the mall. "But you know, this world is a tough place. If you don't tread carefully you'll get yourself gnawed to pieces. That's why I have to pretend, as much as I don't want to."

"You don't have keep it up if you're with me," I said. "I don't really care about any of those."

"I'm glad we're friends," she responded, a smile curling up her lips. "You too, if you have anything troubling you, you can talk to me. In a sense, we're both alone in this world of strangers. But that doesn't necessarily mean it's something bad."

"Sure," I replied. "Thanks."

Yoshimura-san brought me to one of the more expensive boutiques on the top floor of the building. The salesgirl greeted us at the entrance. My friend immediately set to work scouring the racks, the back of her palm resting on her chin as she examined the elegant dresses hanging from the rack. Out of curiosity, I walked up to her and took a look at the price tag attached to a peach halter dress.

The moment I saw it, I immediately put it back. It was not something I could afford to buy year by year. Three hundred thousand yen.

Yoshimura-san wasn't lying when she talked about her family.

The young woman took a bit of time picking out a dress before placing it back again. She did this a few times, and the salesgirl watched us from afar as she stocked up another rack. There were a few other customers, mostly young women, probably from similar backgrounds as Yoshimura-san. In the end, Yoshimura-san pulled out a dark amethyst halter dress and held it out for me to see.

"Well," she asked me. "What do you think of it?"

"I guess you could always try it out and see if you like it," I replied.

With that, she took the hanger and brought it to the changing room, while I waited outside. She emerged a few minutes later.

Stepping out of the changing room, shiny fabric clinging onto her figure, she looked absolutely stunning. It was a perfect fit too, and the style suited her. Her casual shoes seemed out of place, but there were holding it at her house, so I doubted they needed shoes anyway.

"You look really elegant," I told her. "Sophisticated."

"Exactly what's expected of me," she replied, before disappearing into the changing room again.

She told the salesgirl that she wanted the dress, and after checking for any defects, the salesgirl brought it to the cashier and packed it into a bag. Yoshimura-san, back in her casual clothes, paid with her debit card.

"It's debit, not credit," she told me again as I watched her pass the card over the register.

The both of us left the boutique, and Yoshimura-san asked me if I wanted to get anything at the mall. When I told her I had nothing, the both of us headed back to the station underground.

"So. . ." Yoshimura-san said as we waited for our trains at the platform. "What will you be doing over this weekend?"

"I'll be at Maruyama Park with my cousin and aunt," I replied. "My aunt said the view of the blossoms there are really pretty."

"I'm sure you'll enjoy it," she said. "Nothing like spending time with family."

"I really hope I do," I replied. "Anyway, I really wish you all the best for that dinner party of yours."

"Well," she said. "It'll be over soon. I just need to clear my mind and everything will be fine."

"I'm sure you'll do all right," I told her. "Even though you're so tired of it."

"True."

Her train arrived first, and I waved goodbye to her from the platform. She'd be boarding the evening train to Asahikawa tomorrow from Sapporo station. She smiled to me as the doors closed.

"The world is a tough place," she said. Wasn't that the exact same words Yukino-kun had said to me as I stood by the gate of my home. But considering everything had happened, I couldn't help but believe that it was true.

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Soon it was Sunday, and I found myself standing in front of the mirror in my room. Which dress should I wear? I asked myself. It was a difficult decision. I could ask Shuuya-kun on his opinion, but in the end went against it. What help could he give me anyway.

I thought about Yoshimura-san's amethyst dress. I wish I had something of that colour, but not as formal. I had my olive polo dress as an option, but I somehow didn't really feel like I wanted to wear it. After looking through the closet three times over, I eventually settled on a dark blue dress with elegant white cuffs and a pretty pointed flat collar. I suppose it was appropriate for the occasion.

"Ayano-chan," I heard my aunt's voice from the hallway. "Are you done yet?"

I finished up with the faint lip gloss and grabbing my handbag, quickly opened the door. Shuuya-kun and his aunt were already waiting for me at the genkan.

"Sorry for taking so long," I apologised, running up to them.

"It's fine," my aunt said with a smile.

Her hair was pinned up that day, in a high ponytail at the back of her head. She wore a yellow shirt dress, along with white tennis shoes. In her left hand she carried a green polka-dotted picnic bag.

Shuuya-kun, who had already unlocked the door was leaning against the wall. The young man wore a grey denim shirt and jeans. He had the on the same pair of sneakers that he always wore. Folding his arms, he seemed to appear rather impatient, but I guess that was just his nature.

The moment I tied the laces of my floral sneakers, I got up, and all three of us left the apartment. We took the train from Nakanoshima and transferred to the Tozai line at Odori. Throughout the trip, Shuuya-kun plucked in his earphones, so I never disturbed him and spent the time talking to my aunt instead.

"Hopefully we'll find a nice spot," she said as she stood beside me. "It's Sunday, so I'm guessing it'll be quite crowded."

"I'm sure we will," I said. "It's still early. I'm sure there's plenty of spots left."

"I sure hope so," my aunt chuckled.

It was a three station ride to Maruyamakoen station, so we were all fine with just standing in the carriage. We were nearing the station when I remembered the picnic bag she held. Considering how I took forever bathing and getting ready, I didn't have a chance to know what was inside for lunch.

"What are we going to have for lunch?" I asked my aunt as we got off.

"Well, Shuuya-kun made bento for all three of us," she replied. "How sweet, isn't it?"

I stole a glance at Shuuya-kun and saw his cheeks turn red. He surely didn't enjoy being teased by his own mother. I couldn't help but giggle.

The park wasn't that far from the station in all honesty. The streets were starting to fill with the Sunday midday crowd. We walked down the few blocks and reached the park soon enough.

Even from the entrance, all I could see were the faint pink of the blossoms, clustered together on the branches of the newly awoken trees. Winter was over, and spring had reached the cold, chilly north. People were beginning to gather, laying down picnic mates under the faint shade of the cherry blossoms and the gentle spring sunlight. Chatter and laughter filled the serene atmosphere. It had been awhile since I attended a hanami party. My father was always too busy ever since he transferred companies, and my mother said it wasn't any fun if we went without him.

The three of us found a shaded spot under a few small cherry blossom trees, and decided that we would sit there. It was rather far from the main path to the shrine, so we did manage to get some sense of privacy. My aunt put the picnic bag down, and Shuuya-kun helped to lay down the mat. Once we were done, we slipped out of our shoes and sat. I noticed, by accident, that Shuuya-kun's black sneakers were tossed messily on the ground, one of them laying by its side amongst the thin blades of spring grass. I was about to shift my eyes away, when a pair of hands picked them up in a swoop and placed them, side by side, upright. My gaze met Shuuya-kun's for a while. I supposed he must have seen me glaring at his shoes. I felt a little bad about it though, but it was kind of cute.

"T-the cherry blossoms are quite pretty aren't they?" Shuuya-kun muttered, starting a conversation.

"Sure," I replied, brushing my hair away. "It's really pretty."

"Yeah," the young man replied, leaning back, his palms propping him back against the ground.

My aunt poured us all tea from a thermos flask. It was still rather warm. Nice to sip on something like that on a chilly spring midday. I brought the cup to my lips and sipped on the green liquid as my eyes wandered above, looking at the faint, nearly dream-like blossoms above us.

"Shall we eat now?" my aunt said, taking out the bento boxes from the bag and laying them all in front of us.

"Sure," her son said. "It's about time anyway."

I helped open some of the lids, and tucking them under the containers. It was a simple picnic, just enough for the three of us. One bento was made up of onigiri, some appearing plain and ordinary, while a few others were mixed around with sesame seeds and katsuoboshi. Another container had sweet filled inari, while the last was filled with tempura consisting of prawn and edamame.

Shuuya-kun handed me a pair of chopsticks, stretching his arm as he leaned back. I nodded silently to thank him, and he returned it. It wasn't long before the three of us began to eat. I started out with the inari, picking up the soft bean curd skin with my chopsticks.

"It's stuffed with fried rice," Shuuya-kun suddenly said as I brought it near my mouth, my other hand hovering under my chin to catch anything that fell.

"I see," I replied, not really knowing how to respond.

"I just thought you wanted to know," Shuuya-kun said, biting his lip. "Yeah."

I nodded awkwardly and bit into it. A bit of rice fell into my palm, but otherwise, I didn't make too much of a mess. We continued to eat for a while, mother and son exchanging a few words intermitted with silence.

"When was the last time we came to see the cherry blossoms together?" my aunt said, starting out a conversation. "Was it at the Goryokaku that day?"

"Yeah," I said, turning to Shuuya-kun. "The one where you pushed me into the moat remember?"

"I-I thought we were over that!" Shuuya-kun blurted out, his cheeks turning beetroot.

The two of us laughed.

"It was with Momo and Akio-kun too right?" my aunt said, putting down her cup of tea. "It was so nice back then."

"Yeah," I replied. "The flowers at Goryokaku are really pretty."

"Momoka did ask me over the next few years whether we could go down to Hakodate to view the blossoms there, but well, I was too busy and her father was in no shape to go anywhere. But well, she's in Osaka now, she can just go to the real Maruyama in Kyoto. Heard the blossoms there are beautiful."

"I'd love to see the blossoms in Kyoto one day," I said.

"I've been there once in my university days," she replied. "Really pretty."

Shuuya-kun seemed to have lost all interest in the conversation and had plucked in his earphones and was just eating silently. Nearly all the food was finished, and I poured Shuuya-kun another mug of tea when he asked.

"Why don't you two go take a stroll around the park?" my aunt said. "It's your first time here isn't it, Ayano-chan? Why don't you show her around the park, Shuuya?"

My cousin just grunted, before removing his earphones and rolling the cord up. He shoved it back into his jeans pocket, before standing up.

"Let's go then," he said to me as he put on his sneakers.

I nodded my head and slipped my shoes on.

"You two have fun," my aunt wished as the two of us walked towards the main path.

I couldn't help but feel my cheeks get warm when I heard that. I followed Shuuya-kun and we walked down the main path lined with the cherry blossoms. There were more people streaming in now, talking to each other and taking photos of the cherry blossoms.

"The park is quite huge," I said to Shuuya-kun as he walked with me down a winding path away from the main thoroughfare leading to the shrine.

"It is," he grunted in reply.

"The blossoms are really pretty when the sun shines through them," I commented. "Don't you think so?"

Shuuya-kun didn't reply. Instead, he just walked on beside me, our pace in sync as we traversed the path, through the curtain of delicate pink and white. It was a while before he spoke again.

"Hey," he spoke, his slightly hoarse voice breaking the silence.

"Yes?"

"Are you still, you know. . ." he muttered, scratching the back of his head. "Angry at me for what happened back at the moat? Well, I'm really, really sorry about that."

"Shuuya-kun," I giggled. "Why are you still moping over that? I'm over that eleven years ago. But it's always nice to hear you apologise."

I turned around and stole a glance at him. The young man's cheeks were a deep red.

"You forgive so easily," he muttered. "That's really nice of you."

I fell silent for a while, trying to process what he said. Shuuya-kun surely seemed susceptible to spurting out some strange things.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "It's just a small issue, don't worry."

"It's nice to be forgiving," he said. "It's horrible when you store it in and refuse to let go."

"That's true," I replied.

We walked a little further, deeper into the forest of cherry blossom trees.

"You know," he said after a while. "When I was in junior high, I once hit this kid on the head half-conscious with a baseball bat to the head. He fell flat to the ground."

I gasped.

"You're thinking that I'm a horrible person aren't you?" he said, his heavy eyes nonchalant. "I don't blame you."

"N-no," I said. "It's not that. . . It's just something I didn't really expect to hear. I'm sure there must have been a reason, right?"

"He deserved it, I'll tell you that," he said. "I never really had many friends in junior high. They thought they could pick on me. Well of course, I tried my best to ignore them, but it just got worse. There was this particular gang of dumb kids who just loved to pick on me. They did lots of horrible things, beat me , kick me, but that wasn't the worst."

"That must be pretty horrible," I said. "I can't imagine what you've been through. What with your father, and now this?"

"The ringleader called me 'fatherless'," Shuuya-kun continued. "And that was the last straw."

I stole a glance at Shuuya-kun to see how he was doing. Our gazes met. He seemed totally normal talking about it, so I wasn't worried.

"So after baseball practice was over, I snuck a bat out of the store and swung in on his head. Once he was down I tore at him with my own bare hands," he said, his gaze fixated on the path. "Why am I telling you this?"

Shuuya-kun fell silent and I too had nothing to say. After all, how was one even supposed to react after listening to someone describe their experience beating someone else up? I turned to look at the cherry blossoms above. They were pretty, fragile, just like always. I preferred to look at them rather than listen to Shuuya-kun's violent recollections. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts, viewing the blossoms, blindly following the path when I looked around only to find out Shuuya-kun was no longer with me.

I wonder where he could have went. He might have told me he was off somewhere, but I most probably didn't hear it. I wasn't really paying much attention to him anyway.

Still looking for him, I decided that the best way for him to reunite with him again was to head to a landmark. And what better landmark was there in Maruyama Park other than the torii gate right in front of the Hokkaido Shrine? Besides, it seemed like a good time to visit the shrine. I've never been there before, and it certainly couldn't hurt to check it out. I was already in the park anyway, so why not?

I made my way to the shrine, walking through the paths lined with cherry blossom trees. More groups of people had arrived, and they too were enjoying their own hanami parties. I caught sight of a young boy point excitedly at the pink blossoms directly above him while his mother fed a younger looking child.

A gust of light wind blew gently through the trees, sending the branches rustling and a light shower of faint petals to cascade upon all of us. It was a rather gorgeous sight. I took out my phone and snapped a picture of the falling petals, dancing daintily in the spring air, against the backdrop of the winding path and occasional bystanders.

I looked at the photographs I snapped in my phone. Even without any filters they were beautiful enough. Light seeping through the gaps of the fuchsia foliage, no filter was needed to beautify that. There was a 'send' button at the side, and the moment I saw it, I felt the sadness creep up onto me from behind. It seemed like every time I tried to hide the deep sorrow into one of the deep crevices of my heart, even for just a moment, it would soon creep up again, waiting to devour me whole.

As I walked down the tree-lined path, I came across families, young couples, lovers, all enjoying the blossoms together. I was out of place and alone. Just like the blossoms in the trees above me, the flowers of sorrow began to bloom in my chest, a painful reminder of what once was.

I wished Yukino-kun was there beside me. I wished he could be there to hold my hand. I wished he could be there so I could lean my head against his broad shoulders.

When I arrived at the shrine, there were already quite a few people within the compound. I took a bit of time exploring the grounds, walking through the torii gate and stepping into the courtyard. I found a bench at the periphery at the shrine and sat there for a while.

It was then when I remembered that I had to call Shuuya-kun to inform him my location. I searched for his number and pressed the dial button without really looking at my screen, before putting the phone to my ear.

The familiar ringing I expected to hear was strangely absent, instead I was directly directed to a voice message. Perhaps Shuuya-kun had turned off his phone? That was still a possibility after all. But he was using his phone just now to listen to music wasn't he?"

"Kaa-san, Nee-san."

That voice, at the end of the line. . . It wasn't Shuuya-kun's. It was a voice that I hadn't listened to in a long time.

"I'm sorry," the voice said, breaking. "I'm really sorry for doing this, but I want the both of you to know-"

The voice paused for a while, taking a shallow breath. The speaker had obviously been in tears.

"I want you to know," the voice said again. "That I love the both of you, very, very much."

There was another long pause, as if the owner of that voice still had a lot more to say.

"Please forgive me," was the last thing I heard, before he switched the recording off.

I slowly unzipped the handbag on my lap and tucked my phone away. It felt as if all the energy had left my arms. Hearing that voice again, after a whole month. . . was painfully heartbreaking. It was Yukino-kun.

Were those truly his last words before he kicked the stool away? Before the noose strangled him to death? I was at a loss of words.

I could still remember that image of his corpse, hanging limply from the taut rope. I could still remember the cold touch of his lifeless as I held them between mine, desperately trying to tell myself that what I saw was nothing but an illusion. I could still remember the hollow sounds of his bones as we picked them up from the metal tray and placed them into the urn. Those memories, buried temporarily, had resurfaced again.

I tried to forget, living my life in a semi-peripheral state. But to hear his voice again, sorrow pried itself out of my heart.

He left a message for his mother. He left a message for his sister. But he never left one for me. The note on his desk was never explicitly marked for me. If I had never came over to his apartment, I would probably find out about his death through a phone call from his own mother. He never left me anything. The message I heard left me feeling hollow and empty. The guilt came flooding back. I sat quietly on that bench, refusing to look up.

They say time cures old wounds. But apparently a month is not enough.

I still couldn't help blaming myself for what happened. It was my fault, it truly was. Never had I imagined that I would ever lose him.

But I was in public, amidst people in the courtyard of a busy shrine. Certainly I couldn't let my tears fall. I'll cry when I get home, I told myself. I'd call Yukino-kun's old number over and over again just to listen to his sweet, familiar voice. Even if that voice was the miserable voice of a young man who was about to end his life. But as of now, I just had to keep a straight face. I had to inform Shuuya-kun where I was, and I had to get back to the both of them. I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere for the other two.

"Furukawa-chan," I heard a voice say. "I didn't expect to see you here."

I looked up, and saw Kashiwagi-kun. There he was, standing in front of me, clad in a maroon hoodie and jeans. His dark brown hair blew in the gentle wind. I had no choice but to force myself to smile. I couldn't let him see me cry. I didn't want to create unnecessary trouble.

"Ah," I replied. "What a nice day isn't it?"

"Yeah. . ." Kashiwagi-kun responded, shoving his hands in his jeans pockets. "It really is."

I nodded awkwardly, a stiff smile on my lips.

"So. . ." he said, sitting down beside me. "You're alone today?"

"Yeah. . ." I said, pushing away a strand of hair that flew into my face.

"It must be nice," he said, leaning forward. "Sitting here all alone looking at people walk past."

I only nodded. The boy sat there with his fingers interlocked, tapping his foot against the ground. It made a light noise.

"Have you seen the flowers yet?" he asked me.

It was a stupid question, so I never bothered to answer. I just let the silence take over. I wasn't really in the mood to talk anyway. So whatever I could avoid, I did.

It was a while before the boy spoke again.

"Actually. . ." he muttered. "When I asked you to view the blossoms together, I actually had something to talk to you about."

"I see," I said to him. "What do you want to talk about?"

Kashiwagi-kun looked around. There were people about, but I didn't see what was so important that he didn't want strangers to accidentally overhear. It's not like they will if we talked softly anyway. Besides, who would even bother trying to eavesdrop on us, a young man and woman sitting on a bench in the courtyard of a shrine. People would have assumed us to be a couple anyway.

"Let's talk somewhere else," he said, standing up. "Somewhere more private."

I didn't feel like getting off the bench, but I tried my best to hide my lethargy as I stood up. I continued maintaining a calm composure even though I was still fighting hard to hold back my tears. I just wished Kashiwagi-kun would go away. Seeing him made me feel horrendously guilty.

He led me to the side of the main shrine building, where there was no one around. It was awfully quiet, and the nearest people visible weren't that nearby, under the groves of cherry blossom away from the shrine compound. I kept following him until Kashiwagi-kun stopped and turned around to face me. Being alone with Kashiwagi-kun made me feel really uncomfortable. Perhaps I shouldn't have followed him there.

"Well. . ." he began. "I have something really important to tell you, Furukawa-chan."

I looked down at the ground, my heart beating fast, the nervousness still getting the best of me. I tried hard to stem the sorrow and the pain from showing in my face. Yukino-kun never really liked me being alone with Kashiwagi-kun. Nothing good really came out of it. I remembered slapping my boyfriend in defence of this other boy. I regret doing that.

Kashiwagi-kun gulped, and he was looking at his feet for a moment. As he did that, I realised he had pierced his ears and got himself a black stud in each of his ears. I didn't have time to talk about it though, and I suppose back then at the back of the shrine, it wasn't really an appropriate topic. Besides, I was already on the verge of tears.

I got a little impatient, I must admit. It was difficult keeping up a farce when all you want to do is go home and cry in a pillow. Kashiwagi-kun didn't realise anything, so I guess I could hold out a while more while the boy could finally gather his words.

It was then when the boy took a step closer towards me, and slowly reached out and held my right hand in his left palm. I could feel the warmth of his hand. It was such a long time since Yukino-kun and I had held hands. It was at the harbour wasn't it? When he and I met for the final time.

"I know the past month had been really hard for you, and I understand it's really hard to move on, especially after something like that," he muttered, his cheeks rosy. "But well, you know, I'll always be there for you, and I'd really like to help you get through this. I know you can do it, Ayano-chan. We can do it."

The boy squeezed my palm gently. The pain tightened itself in my chest. What was I doing? Why am I doing this? I tried to control my breathing, perhaps things will still go all fine and nothing bad would happen.

"I just wanted to say that," Kashiwagi-kun mumbled, a nervous smile on his lips. "I always thought you were a wonderful girl. You're pretty, smart, and you're really cute."

I kept silent, biting my tongue. My cheeks tensed. Just a while more, I told myself.

"I really like you, Furukawa-chan," the boy confessed.

I looked up, preparing myself to tell him what he needed to hear. The answer that I had always known in case a situation like this happened. I found myself looking directly into his eyes. His face was serious, intent on hearing my answer. I was about to open my lips to speak, but then it dawned upon me.

Kashiwagi-kun. . . .

He was waiting for this all along was he? Just a month after Yukino-kun's suicide and he was already taking his chances with me. Did he think I couldn't see that? He was glad it happened wasn't he?

A surge of anger, disappointment and sorrow hit me all at once. It was too much. It was just too much for me to handle. The tears which had been pooling broke free and poured down my warm cheeks. I was speechless. How could he do this to me? What kind of person -what kind of thing- would take advantage of something like that?

Kashiwagi-kun stepped closer towards me and wrapped his arms around me, but I never returned the gesture. I could catch traces of his cologne. The putrid smell of selfishness and exploitation. To make use of my situation like this, the girl who was still so hurt and sad by her boyfriend's suicide, was honestly demeaning and offensive. Demeaning to me. Demeaning to Yukino-kun.

"It's okay, Ayano-chan," he whispered, his palms caressing my back softly. "I'll protect you, and I'll make sure you'll never have to cry ever again."

I was silent for a while, still overcome with the hurt and anger, before I could find the voice to speak again.

"H-how," I whimpered. "How could you do this?"

Kashiwagi-kun let go of me and took a step back.

"S-sorry for hugging you like that," he muttered. "It was the first thing I could think of."

"How could you do this to me?" I said, tears falling to my chin.

Some made their way to my lips. They tasted salty and painful.

"A-Ayano-chan, are you all right?" he asked, putting his hand on my elbow.

I shrugged his hand off.

"It's only been a month," I said, looking straight at him in the eye.

I didn't care if he saw me cry. I didn't care if he could see how hurt and sad I felt there and then. It didn't matter anymore.

"Only a month," I wept. "You were glad this happened did you? So you could finally confess how you feel about me? Is that it?"

Kashiwagi-kun seemed to be slightly taken aback and averted his gaze, his palm at the back of his neck.

"I can't describe h-how disgusting the words you uttered just now to me were," I said. "What do you think I am? Did you forget I had feelings? Oh no, you only care for yourself."

"Ayano-"

I cut him off, raising my palm curtly.

"I don't want to hear it," I said, putting up a stern face. "If only I knew that you were the abhorrent opportunist that you are. . . I never should have befriended you. My hunch was right. You are a terrible person. I knew that the moment I first saw you."

I took a step back. The boy reached his hand out, but as he did, I took another step back. He let his hand fall limply by his side. Seeing that there was nothing more to be said, I turned around and left.

My face was still moist with tears but I walked down the shrine's courtyard biting my lip and trying to maintain a straight face. That's right, I could cry all I want when I got home. But it was already too late to think of that wasn't it? Nonetheless I tried my best despite the curious stares I got form the people I walked past.

I spotted Shuuya-kun not too long after that. He was near the torii gate, looking for me probably. I guessed he must have called me or something, but given the circumstances, I couldn't spare the time to answer my phone. I walked up to him and tugged on his sleeve.

"Hey," he said. "What happened Ayano-chan? You don't look too good."

I only gave him a weak smile.

"I'll explain later," I replied. "Let's just head back to obaa-san. She must be worried we were gone for so long."

Shuuya-kun didn't question me, and we walked down the thoroughfare together. My heart ached with every step I took, and I grabbed onto Shuuya-kun's sleeve the whole while.

A gentle gust of wind blew, and the petals of the trees lining the sides began to fall gracefully towards the ground, in a dreamy cloud of pink and white. With teary eyes, I looked up towards the foliage.

It was a new spring, a new cycle of seasons. It was a new city, with new people and new expectations. It was a new beginning.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Nothing will ever be the same again.

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