Origami Girl

Chapter 26: The Fields of Frozen Tears I

"What have I to regret? Not in this world can we wed each other, but remember, not only in the next world shall we be husband and wife, but also in the world beyond, in the world beyond that, and so further and even further."

- Chikamatsu Monzaemon, The Love Suicides at Amijima

We're all going to go one day. A tragic accident, a handful of pills, an unforgiving rope; none of it matters. The end was ever the same. There's no stopping it, it was a cold, hard fact, chilling and lacking warmth, just like the pale, lifeless fingers of a hanging corpse.

We're all going to go one day. That was the statement that I had been repeating, echoing in my mind. I said it to myself as I packed the last of my belongings. I said it to myself as I sat on that train to Sapporo, on that harrowing journey as the train sped past the frozen paddies, rows of rice which had turned into fields of pure white snow.

"We're all going to go one day."

I guess that was the only thing I could say. It wasn't a whimsical lie I made up in attempt to comfort myself. It was a fact, and I took comfort in truthful, unchanging facts.

I slept for the most part on the ride to Sapporo. My parents had offered to get me an air ticket, but I insisted on getting there by rail. I just wanted to. The pace was slower and I could gather my thoughts.

My aunt informed me beforehand that Shuuya-kun would be meeting me at the station, as she had something urgent to attend to. My cousin and I didn't necessarily get along when we were younger but at that point in time, as I looked out of the train window, watching the fields of snow turn to street after street of buildings, I couldn't really care less. Shuuya-kun wasn't going to be a big deal. I was just here to stay at their house and attend lectures.

Whatever excitement I had within to begin a fresh start in Sapporo was slaughtered by the memory of what happened on graduation day. I couldn't help but think of Yukino-kun when the train pulled into the station. It was just like the time when both him and I escaped from school to visit his late grandfather. I smiled to myself. Those memories of him, they will never leave me.

The keychain jingled as I put my phone away. It was then when the train came to a complete stop, and the announcements went on informing us that we have arrived in Sapporo. After waiting for the aisle to clear, I brought down my trolley luggage from the upper shelf and prepared to leave.

I stepped out of the train and onto the busy platform. It had been months since I set foot in Sapporo. I wondered if Ms Nakayama was still working there, it had been a week since it happened, I guess she had eventually returned to her job. It may not be my first time in Sapporo, but it was definitely my first time being there alone. Life is truly strange, fleeting, unpredictable. It was hard to believe that just a few months before in autumn Yukino-kun and I were walking down this very same platform, yet now he was far, far away and never to return.

Winter break had truly been difficult for me. Helplessness and denial merged and swivelled in the murky depths of my mind. My mind was tired out trying to come up with reasons for how he could. . . how he could do something as horrible as what he did. I tried to give up on that painful, repetitive question, but it kept on persisting.

Kashiwagi-kun and Sayaka-chan did kept me company for a while though, even helping me pack some things in my room. It was not too much of a help, but their company was truly nice to have. Kashiwagi-kun had left earlier for Sapporo before I did, considering he has his own apartment to clear and things to organise.

I adjusted my ushanka as I dragged my luggage bag down the platform until I reached the station foyer. It felt exactly like that day, when all three of us were waiting to get a taxi.

Shuuya-kun was waiting for me at the faregates outside of the platform. He seemed to have grown taller since the last time I met him. His hair had grown much longer, deep black and slightly wavy. He grunted and cocked his head when I approached, without even looking at me, before walking off. Naturally, I followed him. Usually I would have been offended by the brusque manner in which he greeted me, but back then when I met him at the station, I didn't really care. It didn't matter.

The boy walked ahead, shoving his hands into the pockets of his grey jeans. A navy blue cardigan wrapped around him, over a white shirt. A haversack hung from one of his shoulders, so I suppose he was out somewhere. I didn't bother asking. I was mildly surprised however, when he said that we would be taking the bus.

"Doesn't obaa-san drive?" I asked him as we waited at the bus terminal. "Is she busy or something?"

"We sold the car a long time ago," he replied, looking down at his cell phone.

"I see," I replied, brushing a stray strand of hair away from my face.

I didn't want to probe in further, but I realised there was something different about Shuuya-kun as compared to last year when he came to my house for dinner. Sure, he might not have been the most polite boy I've ever met, but there was just something more. . . gloomy about him. I dismissed it as him probably being more mature. Even the rather impolite greeting he gave me was lacking of boyishness. It seemed like he was apathetic. It seemed like he wasn't even bothered. But I didn't mind. I was used to apathy.

"Well, which university are you enrolled in?" I asked, a half-hearted attempt to start a conversation.

"Not yours," he replied, the languor apparent in his voice.

I gave up trying to talk to him.

I spent most of my time on that bus ride staring emptily at the Sapporo street scene. The streets were definitely much more crowded than those in Hakodate, but I guess also it was because it was lunch hour. I have never been to the Tanokura's house in Sapporo, but I wasn't expecting anything fancy. Considering that they sold their car, I could only guess that something bad must have happened between the time they came over for dinner and the time I moved in with them. As far as I know, Momoka-chan had moved out, and my aunt had kindly allowed me to live with them. I've never met my uncle before, and I thought that it would be a great chance to meet him.

Shuuya-kun was beside me, his head nodding as he tried to stop himself from falling asleep. I wondered why he was so tired though. He never told me and I didn't dare ask. He always seemed so mean-spirited which kind of put me off, but there was something to his attitude that said that he never meant to. I wasn't too sure, but I didn't want to be too quick to judge. They say when you live with someone you'll get to see their true colours. We'll see, I suppose.

I wasn't sure where the stop was, but it was already ten minutes in the ride and I wasn't too sure where the house was.

I woke my cousin up and he glared at me, frowning, with hazel eyes still teary and half-asleep. He just looked at me for a moment, as if to process what was happening, while the soft rumbling of the bus's engine dragged on in the background.

"Uh. . ." I began awkwardly, holding onto my bag on my lap. "I-I just wanted to ask you if we were there yet."

The boy looked out of the window, squinting at the light, before he leaned his head back again.

"Just two more stops," he muttered. "You get your bag ready."

I bit on my lip. I was already short enough, and I had struggled so hard to get my trolley bag up onto the ledge yet here he was just telling me to deal with it on my own. But I guess that was fine by me. I was in no mood to argue with him, or anyone for a fact. Travelling here was already tiring enough, getting worked up over something so small would only make me feel worse.

When I counted that the bus had passed one stop, I got out from my seat, squeezing between the back of the seats in front of us and Shuuya-kun's legs, and stood in the aisle. I tiptoed and reached my hand out to try to drag down the grey trolley bag. I had placed it near the edge since I wasn't expecting Shuuya-kun to help me with it when we alighted so I had to rely on myself.

I kept pulling the bag out bit by bit, and I was almost through with getting the bag down when the bus suddenly jerked. I heard the dreaded sound of the heavy bag hitting the ledge. My heart racing, I stepped away from where I was, expecting to hear the crash of the bag onto the floor at any moment. But I didn't.

Curious, I slowly turned around, and saw that Shuuya-kun had stood up, and caught the bag with his arms. The boy looked at me, before shifting his gaze away and steadily brought the bag to the ground, placing it upright on its wheels.

"Th- thank you," I said to him, as I pulled out of the handle of the trolley bag.

The boy just clicked his tongue and looked away. He folded his arms as he sank back into the seat.

Seeing that I was already out of my seat, I just dragged my bag and held on to the handgrip at the exit. It was only when the bus was dragging itself to a stop did the boy stand up and made his way to the exit.

Without a word, I followed Shuuya-kun to his residence. It would have been better if my aunt had picked me up herself, but I guess she must have been busy. But it would be certainly be more entertaining, and I wouldn't be stuck with this mute, gruff boy who didn't really bother with my existence. At least with my aunt, we could have had some small talk to ease the tension.

I followed Shuuya-kun as we walked through the streets of the neighbourhood. Unlike Fushimi where Yukino-kun had brought me the other day, at the foot of Mount Moiwa, the neighbourhood was far more lively. It was a Saturday, and the last week of winter break, and a few of the teenagers in the area seemed to make the best out of it by going out with their friends. The road was lined with densely-packed shops and houses on both sides. The buildings in the area were generally two to three stories, mostly small apartments with a handful of houses. I spotted one Family Mart We turned a corner at the junction and walked past an old unagi restaurant. The Tanokura's apartment building was right beside it.

Shuuya-kun and I got into the lift, and we alighted at the seventh storey. The boy led me down the corridor until we reached the end. The door's nameplate had the Tanokura name written on it.

His keys jingled as he jabbed it into the lock. Shuuya-kun pushed the door open, leading me into the empty apartment. He kicked his shoes off and stepped onto the raised wooden floor of the hallway. It was one of those typical Japanese apartments where the entrance immediately led to the hallway with the bedrooms and bathrooms to the side, and the living area in the hallway, unlike the Nakayama apartment.

"My mom left my sister's spare set of keys for you on the table," I heard him say as I knelt down to untie my shoelaces. "My sister's room is on the left at the far end."

When I looked up to awkwardly thank him, he was gone. He must probably silently slipped into one of the rooms and disappeared. The hallway was dim, with there being no windows and all. I closed the door which Shuuya-kun had left open, locking it with the keys he had conveniently left there on top of the low shoe cabinet.

As I placed my floral sneakers neatly to the side, I couldn't help but get ticked off at Shuuya-kun's pair of canvas shoes, flung messily onto the floor of the genkan. I picked up his shoes and placed them neatly beside mine. Lugging my bag up the small curb and onto the elevated hallway, I made my way to Momoka-chan's room, where I would be sleeping for the next few years.

The room was very modest. The curtains had been drawn and the room was dim, just like how the hallway was. I left my bag by the open door and walked over to the window. Pulling the curtains open, the room began to fill with faint light. I could see why it was better for the curtains to be drawn though: the neighbour's window was immediately outside, barely a few metres away across the back alley, and whatever light that could make it through the shadows of the other tightly-packed buildings were dim at best. I dragged the curtains to cover up the window, before walking over to the doorway and switching on the lights.

Once the lights were turned on, I managed to get myself a clearer look of the room. A small desk tucked itself to the side of the room, the wall adjacent to it lined with empty shelves. I slid the wardrobe open, and inside it was a folded futon on the topmost compartment, but otherwise it was empty. It seemed like Momoka-chan had cleared everything out when she moved, the only thing giving an indication that someone had actually lived there was the wastepaper basket where at the bottom were a few pieces of crumpled tissues. She must have overlooked it before she left, and her mother might have just assumed her room was all ready for my arrival. But it wasn't really a huge matter, at least, to me, it made the place seemed much more less sterile than it was.

There was no bed in her room. I supposed I had to lay down the futon myself on the floor. But it was all right, it was no big deal. It had been such a long time since I slept in a futon, the last being the time in that inn in Kobe for the field trip.

My aunt had taken with her some of the boxes which I had packed beforehand along with her when she returned from a trip to Hakodate not too long ago. I remembered clearly that she drove, but didn't Shuuya-kun said that they sold their car a year ago? Perhaps she rented one just specially to be able to bring those few boxes I had with me back to Sapporo. Thinking about it that way, I felt rather guilty about it. Judging from how things were going, I couldn't say that their financial situation was going very well, and I felt really bad for being such a burden.

I had brought a penknife along with me in my pencil case, and with it, I cut through all the scotch tape I had used to seal the boxes together. Most of the things I had sent over were study materials, books and extra stationery, since it wasn't practical for me to be lugging my books along with my luggage. I had also sent some extra pair of shoes with them, among other things. I was going to live here for three years after all, so I did bring a considerable amount of clothes with me, although I did leave behind some back at home for the times when I returned to Hakodate during term breaks.

It didn't take me long to unpack all my clothes and place them in the cupboard, but I still had my books to sort out, and by then I was already starting to feel quite thirsty. I stepped out of the hallway and opened the door at the end of the hallway.

It was much brighter in the living room. The curtains were pulled to the side, revealing the clear glass doors leading to the small balcony. I took this opportunity to look around the room, just like the busybody that I was. There were some family photos in propped-up fames by the television, and I inched closer for a better look.

There was one in particular photo that caught my attention though. While the rest were either photos of Shuuya-kun or his sister, this one was a picture that captured the entire family. Shuuya-kun looked like he was seven or eight, and Momoka-chan about thirteen or fourteen. My aunt stood behind her two children, standing beside a man which I presumed to be my uncle. He seemed like a pleasant man, especially with the gentle way he smiled. I had never met him, but I guess now wasn't too late to make introductions. He was probably at work, so I guess I'll meet all of them as a family at diner, well of course, other than Momoka-chan, of course. My mother told me she got a job offer down in Osaka.

I got myself into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water from the tap. I still didn't dare to open the fridge, since I hadn't really made the proper introductions to my aunt and all. I mean, it wasn't nice to just open the fridge just like that, before the rest of the house got accustomed to my presence. Sure, we might have been around each other a lot ten years ago, when Shuuya-kun pushed me into the moat and my aunt fished me out, but certainly the me from ten years ago was far different from what I was now as a university student who had just lost her boyfriend. I was certain I was a stranger to them by now.

I sipped that cold glass of water in that empty kitchen. There were a few notes pasted on the door of the fridge with an assortment of magnets. Glass in hand, I walked over to the front of it, and looked through the notes. I just wantef to keep my mind busy, or it'd probably drift to other things.

Most of the notes were from my aunt to Shuuya-kun, a majority of them outdated, but they all stuck to the fridge like an unforgotten memory.

"Cook three cups of rice today – 12/03"

"Help me get tea from the convenience store after work – 14/03"

So I guess that was probably why Shuuya-kun was so tired, I guess. I wondered what his part-time job was, but I doubted that he would answer me even if I asked. Being alone in that kitchen that day made me feel a sense of dread. I couldn't help but think of the time when Yukino-kun and I cooked curry together, or that time at his grandfather's house when the both of us did the dishes. All this while I just stood there, glass in my hand, leaning against the counter, my eyes looking at the tiled floor.

I told myself that it was all right, and that I should be doing something else. I could feel my eyes tearing, but I wiped them away. I shouldn't be crying like that, I told myself. Besides, I was sure Yukino-kun would never have wanted me to cry for him, if I took things from hi point of view, to say the least.

Taking a deep breath, I rinsed the glass and placed it on the drying rack. I headed back into the living room, and grabbed the keys on the dining table which Shuuya-kun had told me about. I was about to make my way back to my own room again to get my toiletries out, when I caught sight of the tatami room right next to the door to the balcony. The sliding wooden doors were wide open. The light shone on the pale yellow tatami mats, through the window panes. The soles of my feet brushed against the woven rush of the tatami. It was such a long time since I stepped into a tatami room.

It was then when I saw it. The medium-sized body made of deep mahogany, tucked between two cabinets. A fresh set of offerings were laid out before it, the dark wood shiny and reflecting the sunlight, polished thoroughly. Directly above it, from the beam on the side of the wall, hung a portrait of a man. It was the same face I had seen in the photo of the Tanokura family. It was the uncle which I have never met.

I paid my respects before I left the room. Heaving a heavy sigh, I sat on the sofa, keys in hand. I never expected to find that. I've been trying to stop thinking about it, but in one way or another, death keeps on finding ways to creep up on me.

It was then when I received a call. It was from Kashiwagi-kun.

"Oh hey," he said as I picked it up. "I heard you're already in Sapporo."

"Yeah, I just got here and I just finished packing my stuff," I replied, my voice piercing the empty room.

"Which part of the city are you staying at?" he asked, his voice a little too eager.

"To be honest," I said, brushing the strand of hair that fell out from under my ushanka. "I'm not too sure."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well," I replied. "I'm not really too sure where I am. . ."

I got up and went over to the balcony. A chilling draft blew into the living room as I stepped outside in the pale sunlight. Among the agglomeration of snow-capped buildings and streets, peeking out from the gaps, were the shiny reflections of a river. There were a few drifts of snow flowing through it, and the bare skeletons of trees lined its sides.

"Well, I can see a river from here. . . But I'm not really sure where I am," I told him. "I'm not really too familiar with this place yet."

"You mean you've never asked?" the boy said ,nearly chuckling.

"I don't think my cousin wants to entertain any questions right now. . ." I said. "He seems to be in a bad mood."

"Oh," I heard Kashiwagi-kun say from the other end of the line. "Yeah, you're living with your cousin, right."

"And my aunt," I quickly added. "But she's not at home yet, and my cousin is in his room, I think."

"I see. . ." the boy said awkwardly, obviously uncomfortable. "Anyway, do you want to go out tomorrow? We can have dinner together. . . or lunch, if you prefer."

"I guess I'm free tomorrow. . ." I said.

"Yeah. . ." Kashiwagi-kun replied. "You just find out where you are first, then I'll come pick you up tomorrow."

"Lunch or dinner?" I asked.

"Your choice," he said, before putting the phone down.

I put my phone away, when I heard the living room door open behind me. I turned around and saw Shuuya-kun walk in. He was wearing a navy blue pullover and dark grey track pants. He held a can of coffee in his hand.

I just stood there awkwardly as he entered, and my eyes traced his every move. It was still pretty awkward for me to be thinking that the both of us would be staying in the same house for the next three years. Well, if we were, then the best thing for me to do is at least try to get to know him better, other than think of him as the boy who pushed me into the moat a few years ago.

"If you freeze to death over there," he said as he rummaged through the television cabinet for something. "It's not my problem."

Slightly taken aback, I got back inside. It was true, it was getting slightly cold, so it was sensible for me to do as I was told. Shuuya-kun seemed to have found what he was looking for, and he went inside the room with the altar. I thought that it was the perfect opportunity to ask about the neighbourhood to break the ice, so I followed him to the room.

In his hand was a cloth. He clapped his hands twice before he reached out to the altar, gently and carefully wiping the lower levels of the wooden altar. There was just something so melancholy in the utmost precision of his gentle swipes as he knelt there, wiping all the dust that had gathered. I could only stand there in silence and watch him as he did whatever needed to be done. For a brief moment I saw him look up to the portrait, before he seemed to notice me watching him.

"What are you looking at," he said, standing up.

For that moment, I was silent. I was unsure what to say to him. I didn't mean to intrude on such a private moment, something that I felt that I, as an outsider, wasn't meant to see.

"I," I began, as the boy walked past me and out of the doorway. "I'm just so sorry, Shuuya-kun. I-I'm sure it must've been hard for you all these years. . . I understand how difficult it must have been and I can't imagine all the pain you've been through. . ."

The boy stopped in his tracks, hands shoved in his pockets, before turning around.

"I don't need your sympathy."

He looked at me with those cold piercing eyes peeking from beneath his fringe, before he turned around and left the room.

I could only stand there in silence, my hands clinging onto the collar of the coat I still had on. Perhaps I shouldn't have said that. Shuuya-kun was different. He wasn't Yukino. Just because they had similar circumstances, it wasn't right for me to be assuming that they must have been the same. Perhaps it was just me being selfish, still searching for the boy who would never return.

I pulled out a dining chair and sat down. Now that I was truly alone in that room, I really missed Yukino-kun. I missed the time I stood with him along the winding hill roads of Fushimi and the way he looked at the lights of the city. I missed all the times I tried to comfort him, tried to tell him that he was strong, tried to tell him that he wasn't worthless. Now that I think of it, after seeing Shuuya-kun's reaction, was I just saying all those for myself? To make myself seem like a good person?

It was then, when I was lost in my own thoughts, when I heard the door open. I looked up, expecting Shuuya-kun to probably head to the kitchen to grab a drink or something, but instead I saw my aunt. Her hair fell onto her shoulders, parted at the centre of her head. She was wrapped in a beige coat, and held plastic bags in both her hands.

"Ah, Ayano-chan," she said with a smile. "Sorry for not being able to pick you up. I was called back to work, it's pretty hectic now that the school year's about to begin."

"It's fine," I said, getting out of my seat, and helping her with the bags. "I've already caused enough trouble for you and Shuuya-kun."

"Shuuya-kun's a strong young man," she said. "Trouble him all you like, it's fine."

We placed the groceries in the kitchen, before my aunt said that she was going to change out of her outerwear.

"You should change too," she said to me with a smile. "We can just turn the heater on."

I turned on the heating, returned to my room and took off my coat, and hung it inside the wardrobe. I took off my ushanka and placed it on the desk. Beneath my coat I was already wearing a long-sleeved blouse, so I guess that would do as an indoor outfit. It was still quite cold even with the heating anyway.

My aunt had changed into a long-sleeved shirt and pants, and asked me to come help her prepare dinner. I agreed.

We were having fried rice, she told me, and took out the rice in the fridge which she had left overnight. I helped her unpack the groceries, and sort out the ingredients that were needed. Cooking with my aunt that day I arrived in Sapporo reminded me of the times when I used to cook with Asami-san. I couldn't help but think of her as I chopped the spring onions. I wondered how she was doing. I wondered how Ms Nakayama was doing. Certainly they must have been very affected by what happened, and I felt bad for not calling Asami-san and asking how the both of them were.

"Obaa-san," I said, almost immediately after she had just finished talking about the sale at the grocery store down the road. "What's the nearest train station from here? I never really got the chance to ask Shuuya-kun about the neighbourhood."

"Ah, that'll be Nakanoshima. You can take a direct train to your university," she said. "Why? Shuuya didn't bring you here by train?"

"No, he brought me here by bus," I told her. "I asked him about some things but he wasn't really interested in talking to me, so yeah. . ."

"Ah, that boy," my aunt sighed. "He's just so cold to everybody. . . But he's a nice kid, believe me."

"I know," I replied. "I-I saw him cleaning the altar just now."

"Yeah," she said as she fried the minced onions in the wok. "He does that every day. He misses his father a lot. I do, too actually."

"It must have been hard for all of you," I said softly.

"Shuuya took the death very hard," she replied as she added the vegetables and fried them. "It's been almost ten years, but still. . . I'm just trying the best I can as a mother. My children are all I have."

"It's very hard for a boy to grow up without his father," I said. "But I'm sure Shuuya-kun will make it through."

"Yeah, he's actually pretty mature," the woman said. "Even though he can be quite mean-spirited at times. . .But he's a good kid."

"I just don't think he likes me," I said awkwardly.

"Please don't take it to heart," my aunt replied. "He does that to everyone. He never really had friends that I know of."

We were silent for a while, and we were plating the rice when she spoke to me again.

"I'm just glad that you've decided to stay with us," my aunt said. "With Momoka working in Osaka it just feels pretty quiet in this house."

I helped set out the table. It was already six in the evening, and the sky was getting dark.

"You just wait here," my aunt said once we were done. "I'll go call Shuuya."

"N-no, it's all right," I interrupted. "I'll go call him, you've done a lot already."

"He's probably in his room," my aunt said, before she busied herself in the kitchen.

"Which one is it?" I asked, calling out to her.

"Right in front of yours," came the reply.

I made my way to the hallway, and knocked on the door opposite my room.

"Shuuya-kun, dinner's ready," I said.

I couldn't hear a reply from the other side, so I knocked again. Again there was no reply.

"Shuuya-kun? I-I'm coming in, alright?" I called out.

I held my breath for a few moments, and seeing that he still has not even given me a sign that he could hear me, I slowly opened his door and stepped inside his room. I just hoped I didn't step in at an inappropriate time.

His room was surprisingly neat for a boy. His closet was to the side, and a shelf filled with books tucked itself at the side. Shuuya-kun was at his desk, slumped over, his head buried in his folded arms.

I slowly approached him, anticipating him to turn around and question me of my intentions. But he didn't. He didn't even seem to realise I was there.

The boy's head was buried in his arms as he leaned down. His laptop was charging, pushed towards one side of the desk to give himself some room. A few textbooks cluttered the other side of his desk. Out of curiosity, I looked at the pile of books. Most of them were books on nursing, so I guess he was taking a nursing degree.

"Shuuya-kun," I called out, careful not to be too loud lest he got a shock. "Shuuya-kun."

The boy didn't seem to budge. Nervously I reached out and tapped his shoulder. The boy groaned as he sat up, wiping his eyes with his knuckles.

"I- I just wanted to tell you that dinner's ready," I said, gulping.

The boy just grunted in reply, running his fingers through his hair as he looked at the open book in front of him. Seeing that he had heard my message, I left the room. I already did my job and if he didn't want to eat dinner than it wasn't my problem.

But he did come out soon enough. Shuuya-kun sat opposite me on the table, and he picked away at his food, obviously half-asleep. I wondered what made him so tired that he fell asleep as he studied. I mostly spent that time talking to my aunt but I couldn't help but observe my cousin sitting in front of me. Surprisingly, he finished his food first, and stood up to clean his utensils. He then went back to his room, presumably.

It had been an exhausting day for me as well. Moving, getting settled into this new place, it was pretty energy-consuming too. After I had showered, I tried some of the old pairs of pyjamas my aunt said Momka-chan had left for me, and I chose to try out a pair of pink floral ones. They fit perfectly. I lay the futon on the floor and read a book under the light of a floor lamp. I was about to close the book and drift to sleep when my phone rang.

It was Kashiwagi-kun.

"So, have you found out where you're at?" he asked me.

I looked up to the clock on the wall. It was eleven. I supposed everyone in the house was asleep already.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?" I asked him, slightly irritated. "It's eleven."

"Well, I was waiting for you, but since you didn't send me anything, I guess I should just call you instead," he said. "But if you're busy then I'll call you tomorrow then-"

"I'm staying near Nakanoshima Station," I told him.

"Sweet," he replied. "What time's good for you?"

"Two is fine," I said.

"Well, I'll see you at two then at the station," he said, before I cut the call.

I twisted and turned in the futon for a while, before I finally managed to drift off to sleep.

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I woke up at seven the next morning. Rolling up my futon, I took a look at my reflection on my unlit phone screen. My hair was a mess. Quickly I tried my best to neaten up my hair, I couldn't go out of the room looking like a wreck.

To my surprise, everyone was already awake. I heard noises coming from the living room, so I quickly snuck over to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I didn't want my breath to smell when I talked. I also needed to wash my face.

After I had freshened up, I stepped into the living room. My aunt, standing in the kitchen noticed me walk into the living room and beamed me a smile.

"Ah, Ayano-chan," she said. "How was your sleep?"

"It was okay, I guess," I replied, not really knowing what to say.

I looked in the kitchen and caught sight of my cousin helping his mother with breakfast. His back was facing me, and he seemed to be frying something at the stove. My aunt laid out the table and brought out the tea. Seeing that they seemed to be handling everything pretty well, I awkwardly sat down at the dining table. My aunt brought out three bowls of miso soup and I helped her lay the table out. It was the least I could do. I felt ashamed that I didn't wake up earlier and I could have been a greater help in the kitchen.

My aunt sat down at her seat, and dabbed her hands dry against the apron.

"It's a lovely day today isn't it?" she said.

I turned to look at the balcony. The golden rays of the morning sun streamed in, the blue sky clear and cloudless. Even though it was freezing cold, the pale sunlight made it seem warm.

"It is," I replied, not really knowing what to say.

"I can't believe the new school year is starting already," she said. "I'm handling the first years, and the first day of school is always hectic for me."

"You're an elementary school teacher?" I asked, just to confirm.

I hadn't spoken to my aunt for a pretty long time, and I guess I kind of forgotten what her occupation was.

"Yeah," she answered. "I teach at that school near the station. You'll see it if you walk to the station."

"Ah, about that," I said. "How do I get to the station from here?"

"Well," she replied, clasping her hands together. "From the lobby, you walk past the convenience store, and you'll reach the river. If you go south, you'll come across a junction at a bridge. The station is right under there."

"Ah, thanks."

"Well, I'd take the day to explore this area if I were you," she said. "You have the entrance ceremony tomorrow don't you? You'd better know how to get to your university."

"I roughly know how to get there. . ." I told her.

It was then when I noticed Shuuya-kun still in the kitchen. I felt bad for sitting down and doing nothing, so I slowly stood up.

"I'm going to see if Shuuya-kun needs any of my help in there," I said, excusing myself.

But before I could leave the table, my aunt stopped me.

"It's all right, just sit down dear," she said to me. "Shuuya can handle it by himself."

I silently obliged, even though I felt bad about it. But in the end I guess my aunt was right after all. Not long after, Shuuya-kun came out, bringing with him two bowls, which he placed in front of his mother and I. The faint scent of soya sauce wafted through the cold air. Shuuya-kun returned to the kitchen, probably to get his own bowl.

We had oyakodon for breakfast that day, mostly made by Shuuya-kun. I rarely had it, since I usually ate bread or rice with fried fish. I ate in silence as my aunt talked to her son, sometimes directing the conversation to me, but I quickly got lost, so I wasn't really part of it, and I didn't make an effort to do so anyway.

As I picked up a piece of chicken with my chopsticks, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't feeling even the slightest hint of surprise as I looked at my cousin eating opposite me. Rarely have I met a boy who was actually good at cooking. My aunt was right after all, he was fine all by himself in the kitchen. Akio-kun could barely be of any help in the kitchen, and Yukino-kun could only do the basics. But here, Shuuya-kun was on a whole different level. I'd certainly say that he could cook far better than me.

After breakfast I showered and dressed myself into a sweater and track pants. Kashiwagi-kun said that he would meet me at two, so I took some time to decide on my outfit for my entrance ceremony the next day. I had bought a grey suit dress with a white blazer piece, but I wasn't sure if I should opt for something more semi-formal. In the end, I chided myself for the silly prospect and brought myself to iron the suit.

The ironing board was in one of the cabinets in the living room, after I asked my aunt where it was. My aunt said she was going to get groceries, and if I wanted anything. I told her it was fine, and with that, after putting on her outerwear, she left. It was only Shuuya-kun and I left in the house.

I plugged in my earphones as I ironed out the creases in my suit. I was done with it, and was about to plug the iron out when Shuuya-kun appeared in the living room. I gulped nervously and looked away. Well, after what happened yesterday I felt it was much safer to just hold my tongue in case I say something wrong. I guess it was my fault after all, thinking that I could understand him, thinking that maybe a few words could help. After what happened with Yukino-kun, I understood that I understood nothing. Shuuya-kun said nothing at first, disappearing into the kitchen. I could hear the sound of the rushing water from the tap as I folded the board. Grabbing my ironed suit by the handle of the hanger, I was about to leave, when I heard a voice calling out to me. I turned around and saw Shuuya-kun standing by the dining table, looking directly at me. He was dressed in a grey hoodie and skinny jeans, and seemed to have said something to me.

My cheeks getting warm, I quickly plucked the earbuds out of my ears.

"Did you say something, Shuuya-kun?" I asked nervously. "Sorry, I just didn't really hear you just now."

"Well. . ." the boy began, his left hand shoved into his jeans pocket while he ran the other through his thick hair. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for yesterday."

"N-no," I stuttered in reply. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I shouldn't have said something so insensitive."

"No," Shuuya-kun cut in. "It's my fault. I was tired and. . . frustrated. I shouldn't have taken it out on you like that."

"Th-that's fine," I replied. "Life is not really that fair to everyone anyway. It rarely is."

With that, I quickly slipped out of the room and into the hallway. It was a bit awkward and strange for me to actually engage in that conversation. After that cold attitude Shuuya-kun had shown me on the first day, I couldn't help but fell that he didn't really want me there. Yet, when he apologised, I somewhat felt that he was more mature in a sense.

It was half an hour to two when I left for Nakanoshima Station. I followed my aunt's instructions. Turning out of the lobby, I walked past the unagi shop and the convenience store until I reached the river. It was just like how I had seen it the previous day, drifts of snow brought along downstream, the clumps of cotton disappearing into the clear water.

I decided to wear my beige parka that day, coupled with light grey jeans. Of course, I never forgot my ushanka either. I wore it every single time I went out. It felt snugly on my head, and I really liked it, so I guess there's not really any harm if I just kept on wearing it. It was appropriate given the weather after all.

As I walked towards the station all by myself, I couldn't help but feel the loneliness slowly encroaching. It was at times like these, when my mind had the opportunity to think and ponder did the reality of everything, the intensity of everything that happened over the past week hit me with its full force. Yet I still held on. I couldn't be sad forever, I tried to comfort myself.

I thought that I could handle the thought of separation. I thought that I could work things out with Yukino-kun and hopefully get myself free from him in order to avoid the mess that would result, given the circumstances. I thought that I could live my life and continue on without him.

But after Yukino-kun killed himself, I found that I wasn't ready for something like this. I never was. Never had it crossed my mind that Yukino-kun could just loop a noose around his neck and end it all in one fell swoop. Yet back then in the last few months of my third year I still dared to come up with the idea of breaking up with him. But I suppose leaving for Sapporo was already as bad as being separated from him.

I stopped by a vending machine by the entrance of the station to get myself a drink. Kashiwagi-kun sent me a message telling me that he was going to be late, so I guess I just had to wait around the station entrance. The station was underground, linked by a few commercial buildings, but I for some reason just had the inclination to wait around outside in the snow. Well, to be honest I wasn't feeling that cod anyway.

I found a quiet spot by the doors of one of the medium-sized offices and sipped on my green tea. There was quite a crowd in the street, throngs of people going about their daily Sunday routines, but there I was, not even recognising a single soul. It was just like that strange, daunting feeling I had on the last day of school. Even in the midst of people, I was truly alone. Yukino-kun was the only one who I actually felt I shared a special connection with. He felt real, genuine, raw. He chose to open up his life to me and showed me everything, from his gentle smiles to his rotting scars. Everything save for his wish to die.

A part of me vanished when I saw his body limp like that. The empty, gaping hole that opened up in my chest howled of loneliness and sorrow. Carrying on with life just a week after his passing, I couldn't help but feel a strong sense of guilt gripping onto my chest. It just felt wrong. It felt wrong for me to be breathing the cool air. It felt wrong for my heart to beat. It felt wrong to live, when the boy who I truly cared about was dead.

It wasn't fair.

"What are you doing here out in the cold?"

I looked up. It was Kashiwagi-kun, standing in front of me. I was lost deep in my own thoughts that I never noticed him approach.

"Well," I replied. "Waiting for you of course."

He was wearing a grey pea coat, and his hair was swept to the side. He seemed to have dyed it a dark shade of ochre. It did suit him, actually.

"You could have waited inside, you know?" the boy chuckled, scratching the back of his head. "It's kind of cold out here don't you think?"

I didn't reply, but went on to finish up my warm tea. The boy seemed to get that I wasn't really in the mood to talk, and just let me finish up my drink in peace.

"So. . ." he said, following me as the both of us made our way to the station entrance. "Do you have any idea what you want to eat?"

"I'm fine with anything, to be honest," I replied. "It's not like I eat much."

"How does Italian sound to you?" he asked.

"I told you, I'm fine with anything," I said.

So Italian it was. Kashiwagi-kun bought us two tickets to Odori Station. I told him that it was fine and I could pay for the ticket myself, but he insisted that everything today was on him. I let him have his way.

"So how have you been doing?" I asked him as he sat beside me on the ride there. "It feels like forever since I last saw you."

"I'm fine, I guess," he said to me. "Moving has been quite busy, but I can deal with it."

"You live alone now, don't you?" I asked. "You'll have to take care of yourself now."

"It's not that bad," he said. "I mean, I was sort of living independently before this. . .sort of."

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

"Well, my father's usually out at work and he's frequently overseas. My mother has a somewhat more relaxed schedule, but when she's at home most of the time we just eat out, and whatever chores we had left we split into two. She mostly did whatever little cooking we had to do, but I handled the cleaning."

"I'd expect your apartment to be clean then," I said, giggling.

"Don't get your hopes up though," he chuckled. "When there's no one there to nag at me, you'd think I'd actually bother?"

The subway pulled up at Nakajima-Koen Station. Passengers boarded and alighted, but it was still not very crowded. It was a Sunday after all.

"Nice hat," the boy said to me suddenly as the train began to pick up speed again as it traversed the tunnel.

"Thanks," I replied awkwardly.

"It suits you well," he said again. "I didn't see it back when we were in senior high. Did you just get it?"

"Not too long ago," I replied. "It's pretty comfortable."

"I wish I had a hat like that," he said jokingly.

I was glad he stopped talking about it. As innocent of a comment as it was, I just wasn't very comfortable stepping near that kind of territory. I'm sure the both of us fully knew why the boy decided to take me out for lunch that day. I suppose Kashiwagi-kun was being careful as well, just in case everything was let out of the bag prematurely. I was thinking of taking my hat off in case Kashiwagi-san began to talk about it again, but instead, I just left it on my head. Thankfully, the subject was never brought up again, so I needn't have worried.

We both alighted at Odori, and I trailed behind Kashiwagi-kun as he led me out of the station and into the empty street. A light snow had begun to fall, and the soft white velvet coating the pavement crunched under the soles of my sneakers.

"It's not really far from here," the boy told me. "And I'm sure it's not too crowded around this time."

I could only nod, not really knowing what to say. We walked down the boulevard alongside the snow-covered park. Despite the cold, there were still people about, eating lunch at the benches, all wrapped in winter garments. The trees were all bare and nothing but a tangle of naked branches, peppered with snow, just like the faint sugar coating on a delicate dessert. It had been a while since I ate anything sweet, but I had never been in the mood to do so. Yukino-kun loved sweet things. How could I ever forget that.

We reached the restaurant not long after. It was located on a building on its own, tucked away in a small alley branching off the main road. There was a menu board placed outside, but I didn't really pay much attention to it and just followed Kashiwagi-kun inside.

It was a rather quaint, elegant restaurant. The waiter led the both of us to a table in a corner of the room, and handed us the menus. There were only a few other customers that afternoon, a middle-aged man quietly eating his pasta, and a family of four at the other end of the room. I guess it was like that on Sunday afternoons, when the lunch time crowd had retreated and the evening diners were a still a long way from arriving. I flipped through the menu, looking through what the restaurant had to offer, when I realised that it wasn't that cheap. The price range was more of a restaurant I would go to only when I had something important to commemorate. And yet here I was, with Kashiwagi-kun.

As I flipped through the laminated pages of the menu, I couldn't help but notice Kashiwagi-kun occasionally looking up from his menu, his hazel eyes peeking at me. He did it quite a few times, and once nearly instinctively I looked up as well, and our gazes met for a brief moment. Almost immediately he looked down to his menu again.

"I'll take this," I said, pointing to the ravioli alfredo as I showed the menu to Kashiwagi-kun.

"Ah," the boy said, before clearing his throat. "Do you want anything for dessert then?"

"I'm fine," I said. "I don't think I should-"

"I'll get you a panna cotta then," the boy said. "They make it quite well."

I didn't protest, and just smiled politely. It was him who was treating him after all. Kashiwagi-kun called the waiter and he took our orders. In addition to my ravioli alfredo, Kashiwagi-kun ordered for himself a Florentine steak. For the drinks, we both went for hibiscus tea. Kashiwagi-kun also ordered a tiramisu.

With the waiter leaving, the two of us were left alone at the table. I had taken off my ushanka and placed in on my lap, resting my palms on top of its soft fur. It was rather awkward for the two of us to be seated together without Sayaka-chan. True, we did go to the library before on our own, but that time was different. Now the circumstances had changed, and things were different. The boy himself didn't appear too comfortable as well. He did try to keep a straight face as he fidgeted with his nails. I swung my legs slightly in an attempt to make the situation feel less heavy for me. I sipped on my hibiscus tea for a bit, before putting the glass down again. Kashiwagi-kun did the same. None of us said anything.

That situation kept on, until both our orders arrived.

The waiter brought before us our dishes. I found myself looking at my plate, the little plump pillows of pasta neatly arranged in a circle, drenched in white, creamy sauce. A few scallops topped the whole dish, with a little sprinkling of green herbs to finish it off.

"Ittadakimas," I said softly as I put my hands together.

I worked on my dish slowly, feeling slightly conscious on what would Kashiwagi-kun think of me if I ate too sloppily. Not that I did, but I just wanted t make sure he didn't think of me as improper. With that, I forked each stuffed ravioli and slowly brought it up to my lips. I noticed that Kashiwagi-kun seemed rather tense as well. The boy cut his steak with slow, precise strokes, his utmost formality something I found rather strange. But wasn't I doing it as well?

"Ah, Furukawa-chan," he said, all of a sudden.

"Yes?" I responded, relaxing my grip on the cold steel utensils.

"Well. . ." he murmured, his gaze scurrying away. "I called you here to talk to you about. . . something."

"Go ahead," I replied.

After all, it was all down to this. It was the main reason why he called me down to have lunch together anyway. I guess Kashiwagi-kun didn't bother to try to hide it between layers of small talk for I was sure he had the clairvoyance to know that I too, knew.

"It's been a pretty long week," he began. "I mean, after all that's happened. I-I just wanted to know if you were okay."

"I've been doing all right, I suppose," I said to him. "Moving has been tiring, but other than that I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I mean, especially after you were the one who had to see him like that. . ."

I pretended not to hear him, and continued my meal in silence. The boy seemed to get my hint, and stopped talking. The air was less awkward now, and I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulders. It was not only until dessert that Kashiwagi-kun tried to stir up a conversation again.

Our desserts had arrived not long after we both finished with our main courses, and the panna cotta that was plated in front of me looked rather tantalising. The white base was drizzled with a bright red cream, crowned with a few pieces of strawberry and a mint leaf. I daintily held the small dessert spoon and scooped a little of the soft delicacy. The cream was sweet, with a slight hint of sour from the rich garnish.

"Well?" Kashiwagi-kun said, a smile on his face. "What do you think of it?"

"It's. . . sweet," I replied, giggling. "I like it."

"I really liked it the last time I came here," he said. "And I really wanted you to try it."

"You seem to eat out a lot," I said jokingly before I brought another spoonful to my lips.

"It's not very often actually," he replied, scratching the back of his head. "But well, it's usually when my mother doesn't have time to cook."

"And now that you're living on your own," I said. "You eat out every day?"

"Well, that's not possible isn't it?" he chuckled. "I'd guess I best start learning how to cook, or I'd be stuck eating onigiri all day."

"It doesn't matter if you're not fussy," I said. "Or on a diet."

"How about you?" he asked me. "Do you do the cooking?"

"Well, I can cook, of course. Back home I'd usually help my mother out here and there. When she's not at home sometimes I'd just make myself a salad. My brother doesn't like it very much though," I said.

"How about at your aunt's place?" the boy asked again.

"I do try to help out, since I really don't feel good about freeloading," I replied. "But my cousin's a way better cook than I am. Even my aunt sometimes just leaves the cooking to him."

"I wish I had someone to cook for me like that," Kashiwagi-kun said jokingly.

"You'd best learn," I replied.

The both of us laughed for a while. That type of polite laughs you do when you were in a formal setting and the air's pretty heavy. I thought the tension had gone away, but I guess it was still there.

Of course it was. We hadn't even settled anything.

"Well, enough with that," Kashiwagi-kun said. "I'm glad I could make you laugh."

The moment I heard that, I immediately knew where the conversation was headed. I felt the smile slowly retreating from my lips.

"I mean, I'm sure it couldn't be easy for you to go through that," he said. "But I'm really sure you're strong and can get through this."

I suppose how I felt back then was how Shuuya-kun must have felt when I tried to give him my condolences for the loss of his father. It was that moment, when Kashiwagi-kun said those words as we sat in that Italian restaurant did I realise something that had been going on strangely in my head. From the moment I got to Sapporo, there was no doubt about it that I was trying my best to avoid thinking about Yukino-kun. Yet now the boy in front of me was trying to bring up the very issue I had been trying to forget, or at least put aside for the time being. It was supposed to be a new start for me in this new city, with new people and new things to think about. For the time being, I just wanted to calm myself down and try to start anew.

I didn't see it as trying to forget Yukino-kun altogether, yet at the same time it also didn't feel like I was actually doing anything to actively propel myself forward. I wasn't really doing anything to be honest. It was like being stuck in a suspension, but neither was I drowning nor was I in a struggle to get out. After a week of painful tears and the waves of guilt that would never leave, I felt at peace with whatever I was feeling. I had forced myself to get accustomed to it anyway, since I would need to focus al my energy on a lot of other new things.

And I was sure Yukino-kun would have wanted that too.

It wasn't that I wasn't sad or I had left Yukino-kun behind, but all these feelings in my chest, they were just too hard to explain. Even to Kashiwagi-kun, who seemed to be the only person who actually knew what I've went through in this entire city of two million souls. I don't think anyone would ever understand, and I guessed I'd rather keep all these kinds of things to myself. It wasn't conflicting, Yukino-kun and whatever lay ahead of me weren't clashing with one another, whereas the reality was that it felt more of a symbiosis.

"Let's not talk about that," I said to Kashiwagi-kun. "I don't think this is really the correct time to be discussing matters about Yukino-kun. I'm just trying to get my head clear, so I hope you'll understand why I'm saying this."

"Sure," the boy replied awkwardly, probably fearing that he might have said something that he shouldn't have. "I-I guess you need some space then."

I silently nodded my head.

"Th-then I won't disturb you then," he said. "Sorry."

Once we were done with dessert, Kashiwagi-kun settled the bill for the both of us. I didn't ask him how much it all cost. The boy already insisted on wanting to take me out and I don't want him to feel bad if I kept asking how much everything cost in order to pay him back.

Throughout the whole time I sat with him, I couldn't help but feel that Yukino-kun's death had also left somewhat of an impact on Kashiwagi-kun as well. Sure, they might not have been friends but I guess certainly when someone you know, even just by name, passes away, you'll feel like a small bit of your heart had vanished, leaving a gaping hole where the hollow winds howl through. I felt that way when Haruna-san killed herself in the autumn of my second year. I suppose it could be said that grief and morning are rather infectious things, festering in the hearts of loved ones and strangers alike.

As soon as Kashiwagi-kun gave the indication that we were about to leave, I put on my ushanka and waited for the boy to lead me out. It was around four when we left, and the pale sun was glowing a distant orange, lighting up the sky in a pastel hue.

"Do you want to go anywhere?" the boy asked me. "I'm free the whole day."

"I don't think so," I said to him. "I have a lot of things to prepare for tomorrow."

"What do you have to prepare?" he asked. "It's just the opening ceremony. Lectures and everything else won't be happening until they get all the administrative matters sorted out."

"Let's just say I have a lot of things I'm not done with yet," I replied to him.

"Oh well, I'll bring you to Nakanoshima then," Kashiwagi-kun said. "Let's go."

"It's okay, really," I told the boy. "You live near here don't you? It's okay I know how to get back from here."

"You sure?" he questioned me, raising his right eyebrow. "You've only been here for two days. . ."

"I know how to get around by myself," I said. "I can't stay a baby forever, you know?"

"I'll just walk you to the station then," he said.

I did not protest. We made our way to Odori station in silence. There was nothing to talk about anyway, and I wasn't particularly in the mood to care.

We parted ways at the station, where I bought a ticket back for me to Nakanoshima. Kashiwagi-kun recommended me to get a student concession pass, so I don't have to keep buying tickets all the time. I told him I'd think about it.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he said to me as I stepped through the fare gate.

I turned around and gave him a weak smile.

I had lied to him about the preparations. I had them all sorted out the day before, and I had nothing left to do. It was just that I didn't want him to follow me all the way to Nakanoshima station. There was some comfort in the loneliness I felt when sitting alone on the return-trip train which I could not find when I was together with him- or anyone in that matter. It was only in that loneliness could I let myself delve into my own thoughts, to reflect, to regret. To feel alone in that crowd of commuters nearing the evening, it was something special that no one else could understand.

If an outsider were to view my relationship with Yukino-kun, I dare say that they'd find nothing of similarity between the both of us. Granted, the obvious image was that the two of us were obviously different. The differences between the members of the pair was so glaring, that it was anyone's guess how the relationship will pull through. One was this apathetic, brash boy and the other a girl who cared too much. One with a seemingly perfect family while the other had no father. One with hopes, dreams and aspirations while the other had nothing to live for. But at the very core of it, in the deepest depths of our hearts, there was something that we truly shared.

Ever since as a child, I've always found that pressing need for company. There was just this deep longing in my chest for someone to be there with me. A longing to be understood, a longing to be cared and to care for, a longing for meaningful company. I tried again and again to find that, but I never could. Not in Hayate-kun, not in Kameko-chan, not in Sayaka-chan, not even in Kashiwagi-kun. But, for some strange reason, I found it in Yukino-kun. Never had I met someone who made me feel so at ease, who would tease me casually yet not offend me, who would trick me into kissing him. Never had a shy, wry smile ever left an impact so deep than the smiles of him. Never had someone opened up his heart to me like a book to be read, a collection of shattered memories and silent suffering.

Yukino-kun too, I could sense, in a way felt pretty relaxed when he was with me. I could see it in those hazel eyes of his. They look in his eyes that he wore when he gazed at me, just after our lips had parted, was soft, warm and vulnerable. They were not the eyes of the angry, misguided delinquent that everyone thought him to be. The look in his eyes told me that he truly felt that I was the one who could understand him, a task which I tried all my best to fulfil, but failed.

It was that desolation in the depths of our hearts that brought us together. It was in the arms of each other could we forget about that raw, gaping wound at the bottom of our hearts. It was then we could leave our deprivation for a moment. We had each other.

But now the beholder of that warm gaze had all but turned to fragments of bone and a pile of white ash, tucked away in a crypt beneath a family grave. My precious field of pure white snow had melted, dissipated away into the harsh cruelty of the cold, dark world.

It was that very same desolation that brought us together which took him away from me. I will never truly understand how he felt as he stood on that stood and brought the noose to his own neck, but I could only guess that he had no one left for him in this world. It was all my fault. Maybe if I had never moved to Sapporo, he would still be by my side. Maybe if I wasn't so intent on attending a top university, I could still share his warmth. Maybe if I wasn't so selfish, his palms wouldn't be cold and lifeless.

I got off at Nakanoshima and headed for the river. My heart ached terribly.

The avoidance of the subject only made the guilt and memories hit me harder than ever. The fact that I could not forget him- or even try to put him at the back of my head for a while- just showed how much he meant to me. I wish I could have told him that. I wish I could have showed him that.

My vision started to blur as heavy teardrops began to glass my eyes over. I couldn't return like this. I needed to calm down, at least. I needed some time alone. There was no one at the embankments of the river, so I headed there. I found a bench and sat down.

It didn't matter if it was freezing. It didn't matter if I was hugging myself tightly to fend the cold. All that matters was that I was alone.

In front of me lay the river, bringing with it drifts of white snow, flowing downstream towards the ocean. Beyond it, there was a small island between the two banks. From the looks of it, it seemed to be a park. The snow had buried the ground under heaps of pure white, only the towering skeletons of the bare tress giving an indication that there was something beneath it. It seemed like a field of pure white snow.

I couldn't help but let the tears fall down my cheeks. A few beads of tears managed to make their way to my dry lips. They were salty.

I killed him. There was no other explanation. I had all the blood- Yukino's blood- smeared all over my filthy hands. There couldn't be any other reason why he did it. I was the only thing he felt was worth to live for, and he even had plans and hopes for our future together. It was the only thing I noticed that he was even slightly positive about. I was sure after a lifetime of pain and suffering, to achieve something like that would have taken a lot of effort and will. Yet I shattered all of that. I made him feel worthless, and that he never meant anything to me. I was the one, me, myself, who had driven him to take such drastic measures. Yet now, here I was at a bench in the middle of a bustling city, weeping because I can't stand to be away from him? I was such a hypocrite.

If I hadn't been so selfish in my journey to push myself, to achieve my best, Yukino-kun could still be alive. Kameko-chan was right. I was selfish, too selfish. I only cared for myself. I didn't bother denying it anymore. It was true. What the girl said was nothing but the ugly truth. Even Kameko-chan seemed like a saint when compared to me at that point. She killed an unborn child without a name. I killed a fully-grown young man with feelings, with a loving mother and sister.

I suppose in this world, one cannot have everything they desire. It was true what they said. It was true what mothers would say when a child wanted to buy two types of candy.

"You can only choose one."

But never did I think that something as simple and childish as that could apply to something so heavy and painful. I traded Yukino-kun's life for my dreams. I chose myself over the both of us. I chose myself over Yukino-kun.

The tears streaming and falling in drops onto my parka, I looked up to the winter sky. It was a pale blod red, illuminated by the distant setting sun.

Yukino-kun, if you are anywhere up there and you could hear me, please, please forgive me. If there is anything I could do to get you back, I could. If there is anything I could do to feel your warm hands again, if there is anything I could do to see your wry smiles again, if there was anything I could do to again taste the sweetness of your dry lips. . .

I'm sorry.

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