Origami Girl

Chapter 24: Blossoms in the Snow

"I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it's just too much. The current's too strong. They've got to let go, drift apart."

-Ishiguro Kazuo, Never Let Me Go

Due to Kashiwagi-kun and I, Yukino-kun got suspended for two weeks. The very next day after that incident at the back of the shed, Yukino-kun was called out of class along with Kashiwagi-kun. Kameko-chan was not to be found in school that day. They took a while to come back, but I, more than anyone else in that classroom knew what the whole affair was about. A few girls whispered around, asking what the 'delinquent boy' got himself into again.

The boy said nothing after he arrived, and just with that, without even looking at me, he packed up his things and left the classroom. It was only through Kashiwagi-kun did I find out what was going on.

"So the headmaster gave him a two week suspension," Kashiwagi-kun told me that day after school when the three of us decided to hang out after school at Kashiwagi-kun's badminton practice.

"Just like that?" Sayaka-chan asked. "Did he even try to ask the boy his side of the story?"

"He did," the badminton captain replied. "But well, we all know that kid. He just gave him the most apathetic face ever, and that blew the old man off."

"And that's how he got the suspension?" I asked, fiddling with the strap of my bag.

"You could say so," Kashiwagi-kun replied, leaning back against the wall. "The school tried to call his parents but they couldn't reach them. I doubt that boy cares at all though, he didn't seem to appear all that bothered about it."

My thoughts returned to that day at Sapporo, when Ms Nakayama voiced out her disappointment in him. It had been pretty hard for her, and her son's shenanigans isn't helping her one bit. I couldn't imagine how she would feel to find out that Yukino-kun had just beaten his ex-girlfriend up in school.

The three of us kept silent for a while, the only sound to be heard were the squeaking of rubber soles against the glazed floor, coming from the two players practicing in the court in front of us, as well as the sweet, sharp impact of the shuttlecock against the racket. Kashiwagi-kun took a sip from the bottle he had in his hand. Although we were already graduating, Kashiwagi-kun still hung around with the badminton club whenever they trained, and helped out with whatever he could. That was sweet of him I guess.

"I was wondering," the boy said, turning his head towards me. "What happened between you and Nakayama yesterday? The faculty were searching all over for him, just in case he was still in school."

"Well, when I found him, he did appear pretty stressed out. He was the one who asked me to follow him out of school, and well, I was too afraid to say no."

"He didn't hurt you or anything, right?" the captain asked. "Well, I was just worried, especially after seeing what he did to Kameko-chan just prior. . ."

"Don't worry, he didn't," I assured him. "Well, I just followed him to meet his friends, then I went to his apartment where he sat around and got drunk."

Kashiwagi-kun and Sayaka-chan looked at each other. They seemed slightly shocked that I said what I just did.

"Are you saying that. . . Nakayama-san drinks?" Sayaka-chan asked me.

"Yes," I replied softly. "He does."

"How did he even get them?" Kashiwagi-kun questioned me. "He's not even twenty yet!"

"From his friends," I answered. "He does hang around with those kinds of people in the neighbourhood."

"I see," Kashiwagi-kun replied. "Forgive me, I just didn't expect him to be doing things like this. I mean, yeah, he seemed like one of those delinquent types, but drinking? That's rather serious."

"I don't really blame him though," I replied. "It's just his way of coping with the things around him I guess. He smokes too, you know? But for the most part I've never told anyone about this. What's the point if other people knew anyway, it wouldn't stop him, and truth be told, I've lost all hope that he'd ever change."

The two of them fell silent for a while.

"Well, I understand what you're feeling," Kashiwagi-kun replied. "I know this may sound rather heartless, but I'm just saying that. . .There are just some people whom you can't save. Try all you might but they won't budge. It's difficult, I know, if you care so much about that person, but sometimes, you just have to let them go."

I could not find the words to answer him. Yukino-kun, was he truly holding me back? I didn't want to think of him as a burden, but now, the idea seems to get more prominent in my head. Even Yukino-kun seemed to be thinking the same.

"I'm sorry if this sounded kind of harsh. . ." Kashiwagi-kun added awkwardly after noticing my silence. "I's just what I thought, y-you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. I'm a horrible person for suggesting that."

"No," I replied. "It's fine. In fact, truth be told, I was thinking in the same way as well. It's been pretty hard on the both of us, and I don't want it to get any worse. Sure, I love Yukino-kun, but love alone won't help any of us."

"You know," Kashiwagi-kun said. "I don't want you to think ill of me after I say this, but I want you to know that I'm telling you this because I know you'd understand."

"Go ahead," I told him.

"When Nanako died, I was really sad. Devastated, to put it in actual terms. I'd never thought that she'd ever leave me. I missed the way she always clung on to me, the way she was always so dependent on me. I missed the way she talked and I missed the way she would rest her head on my chest and soak my shirt with her sorrowful tears. You'll miss all the little things, and the sorrow is unbearable at first, but after a while, I came to realise that it was better for the both of us," the boy said, fidgeting with his racket.

"Why so?" I asked him.

"Nanako always wanted to die. She always did. She once told me that she wanted to die and be reborn as a cherry blossom so she won't feel any more pain. Everyone was saying how pitiful it was for such a beautiful young girl like her to die like that, but now after some time, I doubt that Nanako would feel that way," the boy continued. "Hey, Furukawa-san, do you want to know what her last words to me were?"

"Please tell me," I responded, intended on listening to this boy's tale.

"She thanked me," the boy said. "At first I thought perhaps it was for me sticking around and being with her through all this time, but now that I think about it, I guess she might have been thanking me for finally being able to let her go."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well," the boy responded, somewhat hesitant. "I don't mean to sound like I'm trivialising what happened, but as the person closest to her I knew she always wanted to die. So I thought, perhaps her thanks was for finally allowing her to get what she always wanted."

Kashiwagi-kun sighed.

"Hey, do you think it was selfish of me in trying not to let her go?" the boy asked.

"Well, all you wanted was the best for her, am I not right?" I responded. "It's still quite sad that she had to live through life like that, but it was out of your control, so don't blame yourself."

"No, I don't mean it that way," he replied. "Perhaps it would be better if I just let her go from the beginning. Maybe I shouldn't have stopped her then."

Noticing my silence, the boy turned to look at me.

"Oh, I haven't told you right?" he said. "Nana-chan. . . There was this time in the spring of our first year in senior high when she couldn't take it anymore and she tried to just. . . end it. I-I couldn't believe it at first, I told her that there was still hope, and things would get better, but she was just so determined to climb out of the window and let herself fall. 'It's all right, Jarrett, I'd just drop and that's it. It won't take long. One drop and my skull will shatter to a thousand pieces, just like my soul.' But then after she said that, she just started to cry really hard. Well, she was already all teary when she wanted to jump but after she said that she just broke down. She wasn't just weeping, she collapsed on her knees and started wailing. So I just went over to her side and held her really tight."

"Things must be pretty hard for her, don't you think?" I said. "At least she still had you."

"Yeah, they were pretty hard," he replied. "After that, she asked me. . . If I'd jump with her. We'd be like those love suicides of old, she said. She kept pleading for me to end my life with her, so that we could be together and we'd both be happy, but I never budged. I just held her there as we both knelt, and she just cried."

I just kept quiet. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't even imagine how life must have been for Tanokura-san, going through hell like that day by day. Kashiwagi-kun tapped the rim of his racket onto the wooden floor.

"I'm really sorry you have to go through that," I finally said. "But you've been so nice to her, I'm sure she could never find someone else who would go through all those lengths for her."

"But do you think I did the right thing?" he asked. "I mean, I can't help feel that I just prolonged the inevitable for the most part. I don't mean that the accident was planned out or anything, but you know. . . I just feel that I just extended her suffering when she could've just jumped and it would've all ended for her."

"Well, at the very least," I said. "You tried to do what you thought was right, at that point in time. It's no use thinking about these things, you know? I guess what happened is something we can't change."

Kashiwagi-kun looked down, running his fingers through his hair.

"Anyway, what I'm getting at," he said. "Maybe you should do what's best for the both of you. Well, especially after what the both of us saw yesterday, I suppose it's really for the best."

I only nodded in reply. I already knew that, but chose not to say anything in response. It was a difficult conclusion to come to, but I knew that I shouldn't drag it further. If I let Yukino-kun go, then he could do whatever he wanted, and I wouldn't be implicated or feel bad about how he wants to live his life. But wasn't that letting go of responsibility? I can't just leave Yukino-kun just like that. But at the same time, what Kashiwagi-kun said was right. Deep in my heart, I questioned myself, was Yukino-kun that important to me that I'm willing to sacrifice so much for in return for possibly nothing?

"I've been thinking about it," I told him. "But right now, I'm not too sure."

"Well," the boy said. "The other day I criticised him for all sorts of things, and I kind of told you to leave him. I'm really sorry about that, I said it of spite. But now, I'm telling you this because I feel that it's the best for the both of you."

"You think I can really do it?" I asked. "I mean, I'm not sure whether he would accept it or not. Well, judging from yesterday."

"I don't know about that," Kashiwagi-kun said after a moment of silence.

"Then I suppose we're back to square one then," I sighed.

Kashiwagi-kun turned to look at me, for some reason, and by impulse I turned to look at him as well. Our gazes met, and the boy quickly shied away. His pale cheeks were rosy and he kept to himself for a good while.

As I talked to Sayaka-chan about something I couldn't remember, I couldn't help but think of Yukino-kun. Did things really have to come to this? But at that point in time, I didn't know.

Not before long, two weeks turned into two months, and January seeped into March. The snow finally came hitting the northern towns particularly hard. Thankfully we were spared the worst.

Yukino-kun's suspension period may have been over, but that didn't mean I got to see him more often. Since the majority of us third years had already taken out university entrance exams and gotten our results, the school decreed that we could come to school whenever we liked, and that there were no more official lessons. We still had to attend the closing ceremony though, marking the end of our lives in senior high school.

I did try to contact the boy though, but most of the time his phone wasn't switched on. The only sign he gave me that he was still alive was that he occasionally replied to the e-mail that I sent him. It wasn't really much of a reply even, just short one-liners. He never appeared at school, not even once after the suspension. I guess he was hanging out with his friends again.

To be honest, I didn't know what to do. My days with Yukino-kun were numbered. Very soon school will end and I'd have to leave for Sapporo. Yet, I still have not told him about my plans. I knew it wasn't right of me to continue letting him believe that I was still going to be by his side. Well, I still wasn't too sure whether I had the heart to leave him or not, but I sure knew that I was going to university in Sapporo. After all, I had already received my results and accepted their offer of a place there. Yet at the same time, I couldn't go on deceiving Yukino-kun like this.

That day was just like the usual days, with nothing much going on in school. The second and first years were all having their year-end exams, but for us third years, we basically had nothing to do. I spent most of my time at the library with Kashiwagi-kun and Sayaka-chan.

"It's great now that we all have such a free timetable isn't it?" Kashiwagi-kun said as we left the library together.

"Now that we've gotten all that administrative stuff behind us, it's such a relief," Sayaka-chan replied.

"Do you two want to go anywhere?" Kashiwagi-kun asked, adjusting the sling of his bag. "I don't have anything on, we can go grab some food or something."

"Sounds great," I replied, rather unenthusiastically.

We headed over to our shoe lockers and put on our shoes. It was the last week that I'd be using it, and I felt a little sad. I had quite a lot of memories at the lockers, be it the bitter or mundane. Kashiwagi-kun put on a crimson woollen scarf, wrapping it snugly around his neck. It looked pretty nice, and I thought that perhaps I could get Yukino-kun a scarf as well. I've never seen him wrapped in a scarf, and I'm sure he'd appreciate it. After all, I wouldn't be seeing him for a very long time.

I watched as the two leisurely talked as we made our way to the tram station. It was the last week of our lives in senior high school. Everyone seemed to be really making the most out of it, before saying their goodbyes. Everybody seemed really excited and enthusiastic to begin a new chapter and start afresh in university. I wish I was able to feel so at ease. No matter how I tried to relax and enjoy the company of my friends I couldn't help but think of Yukino-kun. What was he doing? Was he alright? Those questions were still running through my head and the depths of my heart.

I could have just met him, but after what I've seen, I was still a little uncomfortable. One part of me was fearful, knowing what Yukino-kun could potentially do, yet on the other hand, I still believed that Yukino-kun would do nothing to hurt me. In the end, I just resorted to contacting him via e-mail, but that didn't seem to really work out. Perhaps one of these days I should visit him, but I still wasn't too sure. I had to do it anyway, I missed seeing him but more importantly, I had to tell him that I would be leaving. He had to know.

Kashiwagi-kun brought Sayaka-chan and I to a café down in Juujigai. It was near the one I went with Kameko-chan before, although this one was more pricey.

"Just order whatever you like," Kashiwagi-kun said as I looked at the board. "I'll pay, so don't worry."

"Well how about me Jarrett?" Sayaka-chan teased, a smile on her face. "I want to be treated too!"

"Y-you pay for yourself!" the boy retorted, blushing. "I paid for you on so many occasions already."

The girl giggled as the boy cleared his throat awkwardly.

"I guess I'd just have a macchiato then," I told him. "Iced."

"S-sure," he responded.

He asked what Sayaka-chan wanted to order, but she just told him that she hadn't made up her mind and that she'd place her order later. With that, the boy stood up and walked over to the counter to make the purchases. I noticed Sayaka-chan leaning forward while stealing a glance behind her towards the boy, before turning to look at me again.

"Certainly you've noticed, right?" she asked me in a low whisper, making sure no one else could listen to us.

"If you're talking about what I think you're talking about," I replied in an equally soft voice. "Then you're right."

"It's not that hard to tell isn't it?" Sayaka-chan said. "But well, I don't really know what he's thinking. You already have Nakayama-san after all."

"Yeah," I replied awkwardly. "Kashiwagi-kun is just a friend to me. A really good friend."

"I think he knows that much too," Sayaka-chan giggled.

Not long after, the boy came back with his order and mine. He placed the cup in front of me.

"You ordered this, right?" Kashiwagi-kun asked, as a confirmation.

I looked at the steaming coffee in front of me. Well, he did get the macchiato part correct, but I did order an iced one. But oh well, I was fine with it either way. It was winter after all, so I supposed something hot would do me some good.

I just kept quiet and nodded my head and thanked him. It was already nice enough of him to treat me, so I just accepted it without complaint. It was when Sayaka-chan came back with her latte and voiced out when Kashiwagi-kun finally realised.

"H-hey, Furukawa-san," Kashiwagi-kun said as I picked up the warm cup. "You ordered iced right, didn't you?"

"It's all right," I told him. "Really, it's all right."

"I-I see," he replied, before taking a sip of his cappuccino.

Now that Sayaka-chan had mentioned it, I got a little self-conscious as I sat there facing Kashiwagi-kun alone. I placed the warm cup to my lips and opted to look at the snow in the street instead. It wasn't long before Sayaka-chan returned. Thankfully she noticed the awkward atmosphere and worked to break it.

"So, how's your university preparations going, Jarrett?" Sayaka-chan asked, breaking the heavy, uncomfortable silence.

"Well, so far everything's going all right," he said. "I've packed most of my stuff and I've got my lodging settled."

"Ah, where would you be staying?" the girl asked him.

"Well, my mother has some property there which was previously rented out, but the tenants have moved out so I can stay there," Kashiwagi-kun replied. "It's quite a nice little house not that far from the university."

"Seems nice," the girl said.

I only kept quiet as I sipped on my hot beverage. Although it seemed like a denial, I didn't really want to talk about what was going to happen once the closing ceremony commences. It was drawing near, but I really wished things weren't this way. I did want to go to Sapporo to further my studies, and I was pretty excited to be accepted into a renowned university, but whenever I thought of Yukino-kun the novelty and excitement vanishes, and all I could think about was worry for Yukino-kun. Can he accept that I'd be leaving? Could he accept that I too, had my own life to run?

"How about you, Furukawa-san?" Kashiwagi-kun asked me. "Have you prepared?"

"Well," I replied, hesitant. "I'll be staying over at my aunt's place. Her eldest daughter is moving out soon, so I guess I can borrow her room."

"So it'll be just you and your aunt?" Kashiwagi-kun asked me. "I'll be all alone. At least you have someone to share the chores with."

"Not just her though," I responded, adjusting my fringe. "There's also my cousin, he's our age. But he's kind of a jerk though, I don't really like him, but for the sake of my education, I'll bear with it."

"Oh, so you'll be living with your cousin?" the boy asked.

"You could say so," I told him. "But I'm not really bothered by it. Well, I mean I've grown up with him and all."

"Is Nakayama okay with it?" the boy asked, raising his eyebrows. "I mean, he wasn't okay with you being friends with another guy, now you're living with one under the same roof?"

I fell silent, and took a long sip from my cup. I contemplated on what to say as the bitter, milky coffee flowed over my tongue. Seeing my cup half empty, I swirled it around to let the light layer of coffee set. I could feel the two of them looking at me.

"In truth," I said after a long pause. "I haven't told him. I haven't told him anything at all."

"That isn't exactly very nice, you know?" Sayaka-chan berated me. "You do know how hard it will be for him, and the longer you delay it, the harder it will be for you to tell him once and for all. You know how hurt he was when Kameko-chan left without a word right? Please don't repeat what she did, that poor boy has already gone through a lot."

"I know," I mumbled in reply. "But how will I ever tell him? It's going to be hard for me to tell him and it's going to be hard for him to accept it."

"If it's hard then so be it. It's the right thing to do, you can't just leave without telling him," Sayaka-chan responded. "He's going to realise sooner or later that you're leaving anyway. You can't hide it forever."

"I know. . ." I answered. "But it's really difficult to say it to him. I know I'll have to say it to him soon, but I just don't feel ready."

"The world never waits for us to be ready, my dear," Sayaka-chan said in reply. "When things have to be done, they have to be done, whether you feel ready or not."

"It's true," Kashiwagi-kun added. "I think you should really tell this to Nakayama. Tell him honestly about your plans, that you'll be away for a long while. I think if you phrase it in that way he might be more accepting."

"Are you still planning to break up with him?" Sayaka-chan asked me.

I shook my head.

"I don't know about that," I replied. "I just think. . . Even as hard as it might be, I still want to help Yukino-kun. I still want to be there for him. I don't want him to face everything alone. I want him to know that I do care, and I do want him to make the best out of his situation, and I want him to realise that he can make it through."

"So you're still thinking of going through with a relationship with him? You want to put him through a long-distance relationship?" Kashiwagi-kun asked me.

"I'll do what it takes," I replied. "But I can't leave him. I can't do it."

"Don't you think it'll be holding the both of you back?" Kashiwagi-kun asked me. "Won't it be really straining to keep up in a long-distance relationship? You won't be seeing each other in a very long time."

"Well, there's always the weekends," I said. "I can come back and meet him once a week."

"You sure about that?" Kashiwagi-kun questioned. "You sure you won't tire yourself out, commuting back and forth every week?"

"Yukino-kun's mother does the same," I retaliated. "Except she does it every day. If she can do it, why can't I?"

Sayaka-chan and I made brief eye contact for a while as Kashiwagi-kun fell silent. The girl just gave me a reassuring smile, confirming what I thought was the case. It was apparent that Kashiwagi-kun wanted me to break up with Yukino-kun, perhaps for reasons that both Sayaka-chan and I suspected. I didn't want him to know that I knew though, it would only add to the complications of an already complicated situation. I was already grateful to him for being a good friend, and I didn't want to lose him just like how I was nearly losing Yukino-kun.

"Sorry," Kashiwagi-kun said. "It's your choice, I guess. Well, I'm just trying to say what I think is the best for you. . . As a friend, of course."

"That's nice," I replied. "I'm glad you're trying to look out for me."

"But then again," Sayaka-chan said, steering the conversation back to where it should have been in the first place. "How are you going to break it out to Nakayama-san about your departure? You're leaving in two weeks and school closes in a few days' time."

"I honestly don't know," I replied. "I know calling would be easy, but that might give him the impression that I'm not really too bothered, and I'd hate for that to happen."

"If you want to bring this up to him in person," Sayaka-chan said. "You'd better tell it to him before school ends. Arrange a meeting with him, talk him through your plan. I'm sure if you two do this rationally and calmly everything will be all right.

"I can only hope so," I muttered, as I took another sip of my hot cup.

The conversation went on for a while, before we went to talk about other things. All the while I couldn't help but let my mind wander to think about Yukino-kun. I can only hope he can accept what I will be forced to tell him.

We left the café after a while. There light snow outside has gotten slightly heavier, and Kashiwagi-kun wrapped his scarf around his neck. The streets were covered in pure white snow, gently reflecting the soft rays of the winter sun, hovering low over the far horizon. It was exactly like that day when I took a trip to Onuma.

The three of us were making our way to the station when I spotted something in the branches of a tree. It was rather large, and I inched in to get a closer look. As I took a few steps closer to the large tree, barren of all leaves I began to realise what it was. It was a rather large crane, caught in the dense branches of the tree. It wasn't that high up in the tree, yet on first glance one could easily mistake it as a lump of snow. Its thin legs blended in together with the scrawny branches and its head was small and hidden within the branches. The neck of the bird seemed to be caught in the tangle of barren twigs and branches, and it was silent and unmoving.

"What are you looking at, Furukawa-san?" Kashiwagi-kun asked as he stood far ahead down the street.

Before I could answer, the two approached me, their faces clearly reflecting their curiosity.

"What is it?" the boy asked me. "You seem. . . disturbed."

"Oh," I replied. "There's a crane there, stuck in the tree."

The two looked up to the tree, to the spot which I directed them at. I heard a small gasp escape Sayaka-chan's lips.

"I-it's quite large," Sayaka-chan muttered after a while. "It's just like a person, don't you think?"

I silently nodded my head in agreement. It was a rather large bird, judging from what I saw, it could have been as large as I was. But to be caught in the branches like that, that was strange. Those graceful creatures never ever appeared before in Hakodate, at least from what I know of as well as heard.

"Hey," Kashiwagi-kun said after a while. "It might still be alive, so can of you please give me a hand?"

The boy had taken off his bag off his shoulder and handing it out to us, stretching his arm out.

Sayaka-chan took his bag for him, and the boy held one of the lower branches while placing his foot on another, getting ready to climb.

"W-wait," I called out to the boy. "Y-your scarf, I-I'll hold it for you."

"Why?" the boy asked. "It's just fine sitting here around my neck."

"Oh, I just thought it might not be safe-"

I was interrupted by the soft sound of crushed snow as the boy stepped down from the tree. He walked towards me, as he unwrapped the scarf. Before I could reply, he carefully twirled the scarf gently around my neck and patted my head. He looked into my eyes and his lips curled up into one of those gentle smiles of his.

"Well, if you say so," he chuckled, before he tried to scale the tree again.

I couldn't help but feel my cheeks getting warm. My heart still thumping in my chest, my fingers felt around the soft fabric of the scarf. It was cosy and warm, just like how I felt when the boy touched me and gave me that smile of his.

The boy tried to get a better foothold on the trunk, but as he did so, his foot slipped and he nearly fell. The both of us rushed over to the tree, but Kashiwagi-kun turned around and flashed us a grin, telling us that he was all right.

"Why don't you try it from the other side?" Sayaka-chan suggested.

"Yeah, there might be a better foothold over there," I added.

The boy agreed, slowly climbing down and landing safely on the snow-covered ground. Wiping the sweat off his brow, he heaved out a sigh, before proceeding to walk to the other side of the tree.

"Hey," he called out from the other side of the tree's massive trunk. "The two of you might want to take a look at this."

Sayaka-chan and I looked at each other. The girl merely shrugged her shoulders, but the two of us complied with the boy in the end. We found Kashiwagi-kun standing there, hands in his pockets, looking down onto the snow-covered ground.

"I-it's another one of them, is it?" Sayaka-chan asked, a tinge of melancholy in her voice.

"Yeah," the boy replied, kneeling down to get a closer look.

It was another of those cranes, sprawled on the snow. It was slightly smaller than the one up in the tree, but it was still rather large nonetheless. I inched closer and knelt down beside Kashiwagi-kun.

The bird was unmoving, and showed no sign of life. Its white feathers gleamed in the sunlight, and the stain of red on its crown stood out beautifully against the sea of white. I brought my fingers to its feathers and stroked the carcass, only to be stunned by the smooth, silk-like touch it gave my fingers.

Kashiwagi-kun lifted the bird's head and neck and held it in his palms.

"Its neck is broken," the boy announced to the two of us. "This one's dead for sure."

Sayaka-chan knelt down beside me and looked at the corpse. She said nothing, and just set her eyes on the body laid in front of us in the pure white snow.

"I'll go check on the other one," Kashiwagi-kun said, standing up and dusting his trousers with his palms.

"Careful," I told him.

The boy climbed up the tree, and came back not long after. He held the crane gently in his arms, before setting it down beside the other deceased crane.

"This one's gone too," the boy said, folding his arms.

"How do you think they both died?" I asked, out of curiosity.

"Well, the one on the ground," he said. "Broke its neck, so I'm guessing it might have fell from somewhere. As for the other one. . . I'm guessing it suffocated, considering that when I found it, its throat was squeezed tightly between two branches."

"The smaller one is the female one, right" I asked, pointing to the smaller of the two dead birds.

"Yeah," the boy replied. "I'm guessing they were a pair, probably."

I looked at the two carcasses of the cranes, lying beside each other. The feathers on their limp, dead wings touched as the light snow fell onto their smooth plumage. It seemed so tragic, that pair. The three of us knelt to take a closer look at the two corpses.

"It looks like. . ." I muttered softly. "A lovers' suicide, don't you think?"

"Now that you mentioned it," Kashiwagi-kun said. "It does."

The three of us fell silent for a while. A sad atmosphere seemed to fall upon us, casting dark shadows on the dirtied snow.

"It feels like the male one hung himself, then the female one threw herself off somewhere high," Kashiwagi-kun commented.

"That's pretty depressing to be talking about," I said. "Why would they even do such a thing?"

"I don't know," Kashiwagi-kun replied. "Maybe they just wanted to die."

The two of us kept quiet after that, before the boy spoke again.

"Sorry about that," he said, standing up. "I didn't mean to sound so morbid."

"Me too," I replied. "I'm sorry, I just feel quite sad looking at this pair."

"We all are," Sayaka-chan cut in.

The wind howled gently, sending the bare branches of the tree rustling. The occasional vehicle rumbled past the street. Otherwise, it was very quiet. The sky was dull and lifeless, and a blanket of grey shrouded everything the eye could see.

"Let's hold a little funeral for them, shall we?" Kashiwagi-kun suggested.

We all unanimously agreed, and with our bare hands, gathered some snow and placed them in a mound before the couple.

"Do you want to chant some mantras?" I asked Kashiwagi-kun.

"Well, I don't know any," the boy replied. "I'm Christian."

"Ah, I'm sorry," I replied. "Then we'll just have a secular one then. I don't really know any mantras myself."

"Only the priests memorise those things," Sayaka-chan chuckled. "But let's just get on with it."

"Wait," Kashiwagi-kun said just as Sayaka-chan and I were about to bury the deceased in a few handfuls of snow. "Do you want to say anything before we bury them forever?"

Sayaka-chan and I looked at each other. The girl nodded her head and stood up.

"Mister and Ms Crane," the girl said, looking down solemnly. "Please be well."

Once she had finished saying that, she looked up at me, and I hesitantly cleared my throat.

"I hope you two. . ." I began, not very sure of what to say. "I hope you two are happy."

With that, it was Kashiwagi-kun's turn. He walked over to my side.

"Hey," he said, looking at the two bodies. "If you meet Nana-chan please tell her I'm all right and I'm doing fine. Tell her that I hope she's doing fine too."

Following this, the three of us knelt down and began to bury the cranes. We took turns scooping the icy snow and concealing the bodies with them. It took quite a while for us to get the bodies covered by the snow, and at the end of it, my palms were growing slightly numb from the cold. At the end of it, we were presented with a mound of snow. Looking at one another, we then left the cranes to their icy graves.

"At least they have one another," I said to Sayaka-chan as we walked away. "It's better than dying all alone."

At the tram stop, the three of us talked for a bit, but I was too sad to be really talking much. Once on the tram, right before Kashiwagi-kun got off at Showabashi, I thanked him for the coffee.

"No problem," he said. "Just call anytime you want to hang out."

I couldn't help but smile to myself as I watched him alight. As the tram left the station, I watched Kashiwagi-kun walk towards his apartment behind the clinic. It was then when I realised that his scarf was still wrapped around my neck. For a moment, I nearly panicked, but calmed myself down after managing to rationalise with myself.

There was still tomorrow, after all.

And thus tomorrow came. As per normal, I left for school as per usual, alone. Yukino-kun didn't contact me to pick me up, and my brother was calling in sick for the day. It has been such a long time since Yukino-kun and I last went to school together, which was a few weeks before he got suspended.

I swapped my shoes at the shoe lockers before heading over to the classroom. There wasn't really anything 'official' going on, but most of my classmates were going to school to hang out with their friends, and I wanted to do the same.

I reminded myself all morning to bring Kashiwagi-kun's scarf along, but I was still rather afraid that I might let it slip off my mind, so after I had showered and put on my uniform, I grabbed the crimson scarf that I left on my table and wrapped it around my neck. Even my mother seemed surprised that morning as I ate my breakfast. It was, after all, the first time I actually wore a scarf to school. I never really saw the need to it, but after looking at myself in the mirror, it actually looked kind of cute.

That was the reason I gave my mother when she asked, since telling her the whole story would only trivially complicate things, and I already have my own share of things to be worried about.

There were already quite a few students in class when I arrived. Sayaka-chan was at her seat, so I hurriedly placed my bag on my seat and went up to join her. Yukino-kun's seat was empty and untouched, and I doubted that he would even show up in school anytime this week,

"Jarrett's on the way," the girl told me as she flipped through her notebook.

"I see," I answered, making myself comfortable in the seat.

"He told me he couldn't find his favourite scarf," Sayaka-chan said. "Silly boy must have misplaced it."

"Of course he couldn't," I began, giggling. "Not when I'm wearing it."

The girl looked up at me, noticed the crimson scarf around my neck, and laughed.

"Well, why not we make it a surprise for him," the girl suggested. "He must have forgotten that he gave it to you before climbing that tree."

"But this scarf is so comfortable," I replied. "And I thought it was really cute when I wore it."

The girl laughed, before her expression returned to a more serious one.

"So. . ."Sayaka-chan said. "Have you decided on what to do?"

"With regard to what?" I asked in reply.

The girl sighed.

"Please don't feign ignorance with me," she said. "We both know what I'm referring to."

"I know I'm going to tell him," I replied in the end. "I'm just not really too sure when I should."

"Like I said," Sayaka-chan said, leaning forward. "You shouldn't delay on it. It's really important that he knows."

"I know," I replied, nodding my head and fidgeting with my fingers. "I'll meet him one of these days."

It was then when the door slid open. I turned around and saw Kashiwagi-kun standing in the doorway. He approached us, a smile on his face. He wore a grey scarf that day, wrapped snugly around his neck.

"Sorry I'm late," the boy said with a laugh. "I was looking for my red scarf and couldn't find it, so I'm just wearing my grey one for now."

Sayaka-chan and I looked at each other and giggled. The boy never seemed to notice the scarf I had wrapped around my neck.

I was about to return his scarf to him when a group of boys asked Kashiwagi-kun to come over for some reason so he left our group for a while to be with his friends.

"Oh well," Sayaka-chan said. "He'll come back, so why don't you just take off the scarf? Then you can give it to him when he comes back."

I did as what Sayaka-chan advised me to do, and unwrapped the crimson scarf from my neck. While waiting for the boy to come back, the both of us watched him as he interacted with his friends. He seemed really warm with them, but I had no idea what they were talking about. Kashiwagi-kun seemed to get really well with them, judging by their long sessions of banter that seemingly made the boy forget all about us two girls.

When the boy finally returned, I stood up and gave my 'gift' to him.

"Ah, Kashiwagi-san, I said just as he was about to sit at his table. "I have a little something for you."

"F-for me?" the boy fumbled, standing up from his chair.

I nodded my head, before presenting him with his 'gift' all folded neatly in my arms. I smiled as I held it out to him, and the boy accepted it with both hands, unknowingly.

It wasn't long before the boy seemed to notice the similarity between the scarf before him and the scarf that he had lost. In light to that, I had to lose the charade and come clean. Nevertheless it was quite hilarious that he actually thought I had a present especially for him.

"Sorry for forgetting to return it to you yesterday," I apologised.

"It's fine," he reassured me. "You didn't lose it or anything, so it's all right."

The door slid open mere moments later, and with disbelief, I found myself looking at Yukino-kun. The boy looked at me, unsmiling, before proceeding to his seat.

The three of us looked at each other, before I hurried over to my boyfriend's side.

"Ah, Yukino-kun," I said, not really knowing what to say. "What are you here today for?"

"What do you mean?" the boy said, leaning back into his seat. "You mean I can't come to school whenever I like? It's not against the rules."

"W-well what I meant was-"

Yukino-kun smirked at me cheekily. I stopped myself mid-sentence and sighed.

"This isn't the time to be joking around," I chided him. "Do you know how worried I was about you?"

"I'm here to settle some admin matters," the boy said, looking through his bag. "Not for some nosy girl to be nagging at me."

"Look," I said to him. "I'm not trying to pick a fight. So just calm down."

The boy kept quiet, and fiddled around for something in his bag. I sat down on the chair in front of him. True, you could say I was a bit mad when I heard Yukino-kun's response, but at the same time, I was also pretty glad that he came to school. At least I knew he was all right, and not in some alley or something, doing things he shouldn't be.

"Where have you been for the past few days?" I asked him after a while, hoping he wasn't too irritated by the previous encounter.

"Home," he said. "Didn't feel like going out. Slept most of the time."

"How about meals?" I asked him. "Don't you eat or anything?"

"My sister calls me out to eat before she goes to work," he told me. "That's the only time I'm out of my room I guess."

"How about your guitar?" I questioned him earnestly. "You really like playing them don't you? Did you learn any new scores?"

"I don't really play with it anymore," he told me, taking out a form from his bag. "Don't feel like it."

"Why?"

Yukino-kun kept quiet, zipped up his bag and slung it onto his shoulder, before he headed to the door.I could get that he was annoyed by my questions, but I followed him anyway. I'd feel even worse and confused if I just left him alone. He walked down the corridor, hands shoved in his pockets. I didn't dare to reach out to grab his arm, so I just trailed him from behind.

Yukino-kun walked into the administrative office, and I waited outside. I had no idea what he was doing but I never bothered to ask, since he was probably irritated enough. Nevertheless, my curiosity got the better of me and when the boy stepped out of the office I couldn't help but ask.

"Well," the boy replied. "It's not really anything serious. It's for the vocational college, and the school has to verify some documents."

"That's great," I replied, barely able to hide my enthusiasm. "What course are you going to take?"

I knew he probably didn't really bother, but to me, it felt really great that Yukino-kun finally had made up his mind on the future. It was a welcome change, to put it in the least words.

"I'm taking a course on veterinarian science," he said, cocking his head slightly. "Like you know, taking care of animals and stuff."

"I think that's really cute," I giggled. "I'm sure you'll like it."

"Yeah, I guess," the boy said.

We hung around at the library for a while, since we didn't really have much to do. There was nothing to do in class, and furthermore I wanted to spend some time with Yukino-kun.

The library was quiet, like it should be. Yukino-kun and I found ourselves a table behind a few bookshelves and made ourselves comfortable. It was nice that Yukino-kun agreed to hang out with me after so long, but the library just doesn't feel right for such a thing. But at least it was warm unlike outside.

"So how's your preparations going?" Yukino-kun suddenly asked me as I flipped through a book. "Well, I'm sure you're doing okay."

"Well. . . I've done quite a bit," I told him. "But it's mostly getting rid of all the high school things that I don't really need."

"What do you mean?" he asked me.

"Oh," I replied. "It's mostly me clearing my desk of stuff like Biology. I won't be taking that in university anyway."

"Yeah, who needs the sciences when you can be a lawyer," Yukino-kun chuckled. "I'm sure you'll be a great lawyer."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

The boy looked at me and his lips curled up into a soft, gentle smile. Reaching his arm out, he ruffled the hair on my head playfully.

My heart thumped in my chest. Should I reveal to him then? It didn't feel right. Certainly I didn't want that smile on his face to fade and disappear. I didn't want to disappoint him. Yukino-kun seemed to have more to say about the topic, but I immediately stood up and walked over to the window.

"Ah," I said, placing my palm on the cold glass. "The snow is really pretty today."

The chair screeched against the wooden floor as Yukino-kun got up. His face displayed slight bewilderment, probably questioning why I suddenly got up.

"Yeah," the boy said, indifferent. "So?"

The snow-covered courtyard lay beyond the glass while within the window stood the dim reflections of the both of us. Yukino-kun was still tall, and my head barely reached his shoulders. We were still the same, Yukino-kun and I. I was still the same girl the boy confessed his love to at Nagoya station. I was still the same girl that he tricked into kissing last autumn. I was still the same girl who tried to help.

Yet now, it felt like we were to be torn apart.

"Well," I replied awkwardly, glad that I managed to get his mind off the university topic. "Look at that, it's just like your name isn't it?"

"I guess it does," he grumbled. "You know I still don't like it."

"Yukino," I said to myself. "It's a really nice name."

I reached my right hand out to his left palm, and held it dearly. He responded with the warmth of his hand that enveloped mine. It was a nice feeling, and I wanted to savour it, cherish it, and hold it so tightly that I'd never be able to let go. I was just silently denying everything, but what could I do?

"Well," he said, turning to look at me. "If you say so."

"Time flies really fast, don't you think?" I asked him. "It felt like yesterday when I saw you changing."

"Yeah, that was really awkward," he responded. "I didn't really know what to do back then to be honest."

The two of us fell silent and just looked out of the window while we held hands. The snow on the courtyard resembled a snowy field, just like Yukino-kun's name. I never got why he never liked his name though, it was really sweet. Sure, it wasn't exactly a very masculine-sounding name, but it was still a nice name. But at the end of the day, it didn't matter. I liked Yukino-kun's name simply because it stood for who he was. And soon, if things really were to take a turn for the worse, his name would be all that I'm left with. If I depart to Sapporo, should I hand him back to Kameko-chan? I myself knew it was a vile thought, making Yukino-kun seem like a piece of property, but I feared for him. I didn't want to leave him alone, and Kameko-chan being there for him would be better than him having no one care for him at all.

We were stepping into the real world, and in the real world, no one gives a damn about you. But of course, I'm sure Yukino-kun knew that already.

"Hey, Ayano-chan," Yukino-kun said to me after a while, breaking the silence. "Do you love me?"

"Of course," I replied with confidence, hiding the uncertainty that clouded my heart.

"Well," he muttered. "I'm glad then."

I giggled awkwardly at his reply, not really sure why he had asked me that myself. I didn't really want to think too much about everything so I guess giggling was the only appropriate thing I could have done. My mind was all heavy after thinking about the future of the both of us, and I guess I might have needed a break.

The noise caught the boy's attention, and he turned to look at me. Nervously, I looked to my right as well, and instantly met his gaze. His hazel eyes peeked at me through the gaps of his fringe. There was something about his eyes at that time, something that I couldn't put into words. But it was there, that presence.

Yukino-kun leaned forward bringing his face closer to mine. The boy slowly closed his eyes, and I did the same. My heart thumped against the wall of my chest in anticipation. It had been such a long time since I felt the sweet touch of his lips.

It felt like eternity as I stood there, closing my eyes and holding my breath. There was nothing I could do save for wait. Then, it finally came. I felt my lips embraced in his, ever so gentle, ever so tender. At this touch my heart eased. The boy's lips stayed there for a while, and my palm was tightly enveloped in his firm grip.

Yukino-kun never seemed to want to back away from me. All this while, I just kept my eyes closed, savouring every second of that moment. I too, didn't want it to end. A slight sadness blossomed in my chest at the thought: Neither of us was willing to let go. Thinking about it, that was true. If I had a choice, I'd stay with Yukino-kun's side, but the time had come for me to think of myself as well.

At long last, the dreaded moment finally arrived. The moment the boy backed away, our lips separating, my eyes instantaneously fluttered open. The sweet taste I remembered when Yukino-kun and I first kissed last autumn was all but gone, instead replaced with the faint vestiges of a bittersweet plum. Why did his lips taste bitter?

I looked up and met Yukino-kun's gaze again. His eyes looked back at me, hiding through the gaps of the fringe. This time, however, they seemed different. A stab of sorrow plunged into my heart.

Yukino-kun's eyes, I thought to myself- were empty.

We looked at each other like that for a while, before the boy stood up straight and turned to look at the courtyard. He seemed exhausted, as if all the energy he had left in his body was spent in that brief moment when our lips touched.

"Are you all right?" I asked him.

The boy just stared at the snow-covered courtyard outside without giving me an answer. He never seemed to notice that I asked him something. Either that, or he simply chose to ignore me. Regardless the reason, I couldn't help but wonder what was in his mind.

Then, without warning, as if he had remembered something very important, he turned around and returned to the table. He picked up his bag and slung it on his shoulder. Before I could question what he was up to, he turned around to look at me. His empty eyes looked at me with a tired gaze.

"You go home without me," he said. "I have some more things to settle."

"I-I'll go with you then," I called out, moving towards him, but he just turned to look at me.

"I have some things to settle," he said again. "Alone."

I instantly stopped in my tracks. I noticed the boy sighing, before departing. Where could he have gone to? I could have persisted and followed him, but I chose not to. If he wanted to be left alone, then I should. He knew best.

Seeing that I had nothing better to do, I left the library as well.

I was at the shoe locker, about to swap my shoes and leave the compound, when I heard a familiar voice call out to me.

"A-chan," the soft voice said.

It had been such a long time since I heard my name being called like that. Indeed, it had been such a long time I had even heard that voice, what more addressing me directly. The usual accompanying scent of vanilla was instead replaced by the fragrance of peonies.

"Can I talk to you for a moment?" she said to me.

I slowly closed my locker and turned around. There she was, standing there, the girl whom I never really understood. The girl who seemed to have had it all, but still resorted to the fickle pulling of strings. The girl who used her charm and beauty for her sole benefit. The girl who could not let go.

"What is it?" I asked, adding an edge deliberately. "I don't have all the time in the world."

Kameko-chan cleared her throat. A black scarf wrapped snugly around her neck. Her long black hair cascaded down her shoulders, brushing past her porcelain features. A touch of eyeliner enhanced her eyelids and a dash of blush made her cheeks appear rosy. Her bangs were gracefully swept to her right, clipped with a dull, obscure pin right behind her ear lobe. Dislike her I might, but it was hard to deny that she was beautiful. Now as our high school lives were ending, she had blossomed even further.

The girl looked at me with her soft hazel eyes, before averting her gaze to the ground.

"I know you may dislike me -hate me even- but I really hope you can at least listen to what I have to say," the girl said, still averting my discerning eyes.

Perhaps I had misunderstood the poor girl, I thought. Perhaps I should allow her a chance to explain herself for the way she acted. Perhaps I should give her a chance. Yet, as I thought about it, only anger and resentment arose. I could not find in myself the forgiveness to which I may excuse her for what she had done. After all, she herself never apologised, so it was never my obligation to forgive her. Our so-called 'friendship' had collapsed. I wanted nothing to do with her.

The girl, seeing that I had given no response, looked up for a brief moment, as if to make sure that I was still there listening to her.

"It's really important," she said. "And you're the only one I can tell this to."

"Let me guess," I said, unzipping my bag to take out my mirror. "It's about Yukino-kun isn't it?"

"Yes," Kameko-chan replied. "Yes, it is."

I flipped open my hand mirror and took a look at myself. I adjusted my hair slightly and kept on looking at my reflection.

"If you think that I'll hand him over to you," I said as I twirled a strand of hair around my index finger. "Then you're absolutely wrong. Yukino-kun is mine now, you had your chance with him and you threw it away. I never took him away from you, you discarded him yourself. He's just like property, a tool, to you, isn't it? But oh right, when it comes to a filthy manipulator like you, everyone is."

I clamped my mirror shut and looked up. Kameko-chan's face was full of guilt. Never once did her eyes look up to my face. She was taller than I, yet I felt like I was the one looking down upon her. Oh, how the tables have turned. I still remember the edge in her voice when we spoke to each other in the bathroom right after the incident with the honmei chocolates. The edge in her voice, the passive-aggressive manner of hers, the condescending tone that she used, where were they now?

"Look," the girl whimpered, finally looking up at me.

Her eyes were glassy and the edge of her lip was trembling slightly.

"I came here to talk about Yukino-kun," she continued. "I-I have always wanted only the best for him, and I-m really trying to help him."

"Yes," I told her off. "You wanted to the best for him. Of course."

Before she could reply, I cut her short.

"So I guess that's why you ditched him without telling him. Oh, I'm sure you wanted the best for him when you left him all alone like that. All you wanted, to put it bluntly, was to get him inside you. What a horrible person, you are."

"Ayano-chan," the girl said, her voice shaking. "Please listen to me. I'm just really, really worried for him."

Of course, I could have potentially hurt her so badly with my words. But back then, I didn't care, I just wanted to get back at her for what she had done. I didn't care if she was hurt, all I cared was getting the message straight to her. To tell her that she was not welcome to interfere in the relationship between Yukino-kun and I.

I supposed she really had something important to say about Yukino-kun, that she could put herself through my harsh words. Looking back, I shouldn't have said those words, but it was at the spur of the moment, and at that time, I couldn't really care less about her. I never really bothered to try to understand her or empathise with her. To me then, she was an interference, and interferences had to be dealt with.

"I need you," she said, trying hard to hold back tears. "I need you to talk to Yukino-kun. I need you to have a good long talk with him. He needs someone to be there with him, and you're the only one who can do that. Not me, not anyone else."

"If you think I am dumb not to notice that Yukino-kun has some issues, than you are wrong," I said to her. "I know him. I probably know him better than you do. And if you think I am not doing my best to help him, then I am truly insulted by how lowly you think of me."

"That's not what I meant," the girl said, her face now truly distressed. "Yukino-kun's not okay, and I really need you to talk to him. I-I don't know, just do whatever you can. Please, I know he'd listen to you, and I really don't want anything to happen to him."

I agreed to her request, even though I never really understood what she was trying to say to me. The girl thanked me, before briskly walking out of the school building.

That exchange of ours just left me feeling irritated. Did she really think of me as an unconcerned girlfriend to Yukino-kun? Did she really think I was oblivious to the boy's suffering? For all I knew, it could have been a ploy to assert her so-called 'superiority' over me. If that was the case then I saw through it. I will never allow her to get what she wanted. I will never give in to people like her.

But what she said wasn't exactly false though. I myself was on the edge on whether I should talk with Yukino-kun to finally settle things once and for all, but now with Kameko-chan seemingly backing that idea as well, I was sure of it. The time had finally come to tell him the truth that he deserved to know all this while.

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Yukino-kun agreed to meet me two days before the graduation ceremony. I told him that I wanted to go on a date with him before school ended, and he agreed. He asked me if there were any places in particular that I had in mind, but I just told him I was fine with anything. He suggested we meet at the port at noon.

That morning I stood in front of my mirror, coat hanger in hand. I had trouble choosing what to wear again, just like how it was when we went on dates back in summer. A sad smile crept on my lips as I reminisced those times. This might potentially be my last ever date with Yukino-kun, so I tried my best to wear something that looked pretty.

It was snowing lightly on that day. The sun was faint and distant, bathing the entire city in its fleeting light. It was cold, but it wasn't the type of cold that permeated to the bones. It was the type of romantic winter weather perfect for a date.

I walked over to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Of course, I looked the same as I was, but deep inside, I knew I had changed. The circumstances had changed. Everything had changed save for our appearances.

I silently added my mascara and lipstick. I dabbed a dash of powder on my nose, and accented my cheeks with faint blush. Finally, I parted my hair in the centre, and let my locks fall down to my shoulders freely, just like how Yukino-kun liked it. I was about to head downstairs, when I caught sight of the bottle of perfume in the corner. Should I put it on? I thought to myself. In the end I decided not to.

In the end, I settled for a grey parka and jeans. I slid on my boots at the door and left.

The port was quiet that day. The morning crowd that patronises the fishery market has all but dwindled to the occasional passer-by, as well as the crew of fishermen pulling into port late. Yukino-kun wasn't there, which was understandable, since I was about half an hour early. I needed some time by myself, to rehearse what I was going to tell him. With that, I shoved my hands in my parka pockets and took a walk all by myself.

It was a perfect day for a walk down by the harbour. The sea glimmered, the winter sun faintly bathing it with its light. A few seagulls crowed in the distance, and a stray cat crossed my path. It looked at me with its narrow eyes as I walked past. It meowed at me, opening its mouth wide open.

The further I walked, the heavier my heart felt. Soon, Yukino-kun would arrive and I would be reminded of my true intentions on calling him here. A date was a nice way to put it, and I wanted to believe it was the reason I actually called him down for.

There were a quite a collection of shops at the red brick warehouses, and since I had quite some time before I was to meet Yukino-kun, I decided to go ahead and take a look. After walking around for a while, I didn't manage to find anything interesting. The thought of getting Yukino-kun a gift crossed my mind, but I couldn't find anything that Yukino-kun would like, so I left the area empty-handed. I regret not planning ahead.

Eventually, I met up with Yukino-kun by the northern side of the port closer to Hakodate Station. He was already there when I arrived, leaning against a lamppost. He was looking west towards the empty sea and didn't seem to notice me coming from the south.

The boy sported the baseball jacket I bought for him last autumn paired with black jeans, as well as the high-cut black sneakers from his mother. What a surprise to see him wearing that in this kind of weather. He had a denim winter jacket slung on his shoulder, but otherwise he didn't seem to be wearing anything warm. In his other hand was a shopping bag. I had no idea what it was but I had a feeling that it wasn't anything personal for him, since Yukino-kun never liked 'so-called' girly things. Perhaps he had to collect something for his mother, who knows.

"I'm sorry for keeping you waiting," I said as I neared the boy.

Yukino-kun immediately turned around, his fringe flicking as a result. He seemed slightly taken aback by my sudden appearance, but managed to regain himself.

"Oh," he said. "It's all right. I didn't wait too long."

I only smiled in return. I had no idea how to start the conversation. Whatever words I tried to form all evaporated when I tried to open my lips. This was not just a regular date. I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but unfortunately I had no choice.

"Come walk with me," I finally told him after a long pause.

I retraced the route I walked down just now, and the boy followed unquestioningly. The few people around the harbour just moments ago were all gone. Only Yukino-kun and I remained, traversing the great promenade of the harbour.

"The weather's lovely today isn't it?" I said, trying to ease into a conversation with him. "It's not too hot and not too cold. The sun's not that intense as well."

"Yeah," the boy replied as he walked beside me, his hands shoved in his pockets.

I tugged at the collar of my parka out of awkwardness. Certainly that was a very dull conversation opener but what was I to do?

"Do you still remember that time," I said, trying again. "When we were at the Port Festival last year? That was a whole lot of fun wasn't it?"

"Sure," he replied, scratching the back of his head. "The fireworks were pretty."

"And you got into a fight," I added. "Your yukata was all messed up. But you did it all for your sister. I think that was very brave of you."

"You remember?" he asked, somewhat bewildered and surprised. "You have such a good memory, Ayano-chan."

"Well, it's nothing," I replied, giggling.

At least I managed to get him to talk. It was a much more successful attempt this time, I guess.

"Yukino-kun," I said to him again. "And do you remember that day when you tricked me into kissing you?"

"Yeah," the boy said with a thin smile on his lips. "You never expected it at all."

"I think that was really cute," I giggled.

"Really?" the boy said, his cheeks getting rosy. "I-I'm glad you liked it."

The two of us walked for a while in silence. Yukino-kun didn't talk much and occasionally stole glances at the sea, even though there wasn't really anything interesting to be seen there. I doubted whether he was even paying attention to what I said earlier, but that was all right.

All of a sudden, I could feel Yukino-kun's left palm brushing up against my right. Slowly, his fingers seemed to slowly enraptured my palm. It was a nice feeling, not because of his touch, but it had been such a long, painful time when Yukino-kun never seemed to initiate anything. Yet here he was now, my palm grabbed in his without me even telling him to.

My heart thumped nervously in my chest. Dread suddenly filled me. Sweet moments like those would feel bitter and painful once I told him the truth and the truth has been discovered. I, for one, knew that today was my last chance to finally be able to make things clear to him, and not make him find out about my future plans the difficult way. I would do anything in my power to prevent that from happening, for the results would be disastrous. What had happened between Yukino-kun and Kameko-chan was a sheer perfect example of things going wrong when Yukino-kun found out the truth from Kameko-chan the difficult and hard way.

We were in front of the red brick warehouses when I asked to stop for a breath. Yukino-kun agreed, and we ended up just standing there, holding hands towards the vast western sea over the horizon.

"Oh yes," Yukino-kun suddenly said. "Before I forget, I brought something along with me, for you."

"Really?" I asked, the faint traces of excitement showing itself in my voice. "Thank you," I thanked him in advanced.

The boy turned around and stretched his right arm towards me, bag in hand. I wonder what was in there, really. It looked like a shoebox, but I doubted that shoes were what I was getting, since there was no way where Yukino-kun would know the size of my feet. He took the box out from his shroud and handed it over to me.

"I bought it at a Christmas sale last December in Sapporo," he said, a sweet smile on his face. "I never got the chance to give it to you, since you were so busy and all, but I really hope you like it."

I accepted the box with both hands. It felt light to the touch, so I wasn't too sure what it was that he was giving me.

"Go ahead and open it," the boy said to me.

Acceding to his request, I did as I was told. Gently I opened the lid of the box, not really anticipating anything in particular. Inside the box was a fur ushanka, folded neatly.

"That's really nice," I said, closing the lid of the box. "Thanks."

"Wear it," Yukino-kun said. "I want to see how you look like."

Guiltily I reopened the box. Yukino-kun offered to hold the box for me and I took out the ushanka with both my hands. The soft beige fur was soft to the touch.

The ushanka fit snugly on my head. The ear flaps were down, so I folded them up.

Yukino-kun smiled.

"You look really pretty," he said. "It'll keep that smart brain of yours warm, at least."

He chuckled for a bit. I could only return him a sad smile. He had no idea what was going through my convoluted mind.

"You should take a look at yourself," he told me. "Look in your phone."

I took out my phone and turned on the frontal camera. I could see my face, and the Russian fur hat that was snugly crowned on my head. My hair flowed down the sides of my cheeks. I really liked the colour, and was really glad that Yukino-kun had bought it especially for me. But my joy would not last, and Yukino-kun had not even the slightest clue.

I suddenly had an idea.

"Come here," I told him. "Let's take a picture."

Yukino-kun came over to my side. I moved my hand so that I could fit my boyfriend's face into the picture.

"It's okay," he chuckled. "I'll bend down."

He placed his palm on my shoulder and leaned forward so that his face was next to mine. We got ready for the shot, and we both smiled. On Yukino-kun's lips was the shy, wry smile that I had gotten so accustomed to. I missed that smile of his which he used to give back in the days when we just got to know each other. I tried my best to look good as well, even though I knew best that my smile was only a desperate attempt at denial.

This could be the last shared moment of happiness for us both, and if that would be the case, then I wanted to capture it for eternity. At least, I thought, in this picture that freezes time, the both of us would be happy.

I tapped the screen and got the shot.

Yukino-kun lifted his hand from my shoulder and stretched back.

"Let me see the picture," he said, coming close to me again.

I complied, but after a while Yukino-kun chuckled.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm just not really good at smiling in photos."

"Well, it's just fine the way it is," I replied.

With that, Yukino-kun walked away and paced around for a while. I set the photo as my wallpaper. I really wished the happiness I had experienced with Yukino-kun would stay forever. I wished I could be with him for eternity. I wished the Yukino-kun who would spoil me and do anything for me would stay by my side always. But once I finally tell him the truth, he would be angry at me. All this months, I had misled him. I had misled him into thinking that I would be by his side forever. I myself at that point in time knew not where my loyalties lay.

To hold myself back from achieving what I was capable of, to do that, just for Yukino-kun, would be foolish. It pained me to think of it that way, but I too held our relationship in high regard. It would be selfish of Yukino-kun to disallow me from going to Sapporo. That was why I was preparing myself for the worst. I was silent for a while, just looking at my phone as the boy paced around aimlessly, but at long last, I found the much-needed courage within me to finally call out to him.

"Yukino-kun," I said.

The words felt heavy as they left my lips.

"I have something important to tell you."

Yukino-kun walked towards me, hands shoved in his pockets.

"What is it?" he asked, smiling cheekily. "You know I'm all ears."

I looked at his clear face. Our eyes met. I studied his hazel eyes peeking through the gaps of his fringe. I took notice of the few drifts of snow caught in his hair. I immersed myself in the gentle gaze of his. That soft, sweet smile, I savoured everything to the very end.

"Look, Yukino-kun," I said to him. "I think you're a really great guy. You've been through so much, that I can't even compare myself to you. You mean a lot to me, and I really appreciate that you'd do anything for me. I can never find someone like you ever again. I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that pain but trust me, it only served to make you stronger."

Yukino-kun chuckled awkwardly.

"What are you talking about?" he said, scratching the back of his head with his left hand. "I'm not strong or anything, I just well. . . you know."

I took a deep breath.

"That's why," I said to him, ignoring what he had just said. "That's why I finally decided to tell you this."

Yukino-kun regained his composure and his face turned serious.

"Tell me then," he beckoned.

The boy looked at me with a straight face. I suppose he understood the nature of news that I had come with. Perhaps he even expected it. I will never know.

"I'll be leaving for Sapporo next week," I said, looking at him directly in the eyes. "I'll be studying Law at the University of Hokkaido for three years. I won't be staying in Hakodate."

Yukino-kun turned and faced the sea.

"Oh," he said. "I see."

There was no smile to be seen on his face.

"I'm sorry for not telling you earlier," I muttered. "But I guess telling you would be better than just leaving without any notice."

The boy just looked at the sea for a while without saying anything, before he finally turned to look at me. I was flooded with guilt. Never was it my intention to hurt him, he was the sweetest boy I had ever known.

"So you want to break up then?" Yukino-kun asked, in a melancholy tone.

He looked at me again with that empty gaze he had given me back at the library the other day.

"N-no," I replied. "That's not what I meant. I just wanted to tell you that I'd be away. I still want to be with you, Yukino-kun. To be honest, you're the sweetest boy I've ever met. I'd never let you go. I'm just saying that things might be a little tough for this coming three years, but I promise you Yukino-kun, we'll get through this. And we'll get through this together."

As if it was the most natural thing to do, I let myself fall onto his chest. I snuggled myself close to him, so close that I could feel his chest rising up and down as he took each breath. He was silent and unresponsive for a while, and dread and guilt swamped my chest with every second he gave no response.

After what felt like an eternity, I felt Yukino-kun's arms wrap around me, holding me close to him. I could never forget that warm embrace of his on that cold winter afternoon by the harbour. I ever wanted to let him go, and I wished he wouldn't let go of me as well. He just held me there in his arms without saying anything for a while, before he finally broke the silence.

"When can I see you again?" I heard him say, his soft voice slightly hoarse.

My lips clamped shut. I searched my head, my heart, for the words I needed to say. It was no use. I had no idea. I had no idea when I can ever see him again. But what I was sure were the words I felt that I needed him to hear.

"Never let me go," I pleaded, nuzzling my face against his chest.

"Please never let me go."