Origami Girl

Chapter 12: Crimson Leaves, Ochre Branches

“Truly great people emit a light that warms the hearts of those around them. When that light has been put out, a heavy shadow of despair descends.”

― Yoshimoto Banana, Kitchen

I walked through the large red torii of the shrine, my cobbled shoes clacking against the stone ground. A large ginko tree stood tall in the middle of the courtyard, raining dried leaves onto the cobblestone ground. Whiffs of incense floated through the air, a misty aura surrounding the sacred complex.

Today I shall burn whatever remains of you, my sweet darlings. May Heaven protect you, dear children.

I slowly approached the man standing in the middle of the courtyard beside a pile of wood. He was middle-aged, and wore the Jōe of priests. The garment was pure white, and the fabric cascaded from the shoulders to the ground. The moment he saw me, we bowed in greeting.

“We shall begin then,” the priest told me, breaking the silence of the shrine courtyard.

I nodded my head, and took one last look at the folded furisode in my arms. Made of fine red silk, it was sewed with my own hands. Day and night I sat at the loom, weaving the fine silk into cloth. It was meant for my first daughter to commemorate her fifteenth year, but before I could even cloak it onto her petite form, she succumbed to a violent coughing fit, and passed away not long after. Then it was the second girl, only fourteen years of age, trampled by a horse carriage in the mud. I myself found her body in the middle of the street, her crimson blood staining the earth ground. Then the time for the third girl came. I thought I could save her, but I only ended up shaking her cold nine-year old body in my arms, as the winter chill robbed the daughter from her mother and into the realm of death.

“It must be the furisode,” the priest told me a while back, “It must be cursed.”

With a heavy heart, I handed over the garment to the priest. He chanted some mantras under his breath, while an assistant in the background holding a flaming torch, set fire to the pile of wood behind the priest. I stood there, beside the fire, watching the cleansing ritual of the cursed garment, and may its destruction mean the end for all the misfortune that had befell our family.

The fire burnt slowly at first, eating away at the small twigs and pieces of firewood in the bonfire. A thing pillar of smoke rose slowly into the sky, straight and parallel at first, but then it started to slant to the north-west. The clinging of the temple wind chimes in the background grew louder and louder, ever more chaotic with every second. My hair and sleeves started fluttering in the face of the ever-growing breeze, and I could no longer hear the priest’s soft and subtle chanting.

The priest then went to toss the furisode into the fire, and suddenly the flames soared up into the sky, a column of thick smoke rising into the sky. The sudden violence of the flame shocked us all.

“Get back!” he ordered.

I did as I was told, taking a few steps back from the now raging fire. Suddenly, a violent wind blew towards the fire, and in the next instant the ginko tree burst into flames. With every second, the inferno spread. The main shrine building exploded, raining the earth with flaming shards of wood.

The air started filling with shrill screams of terror. In the far background I heard the bells of the fire tower, alerting the populace of fire. The gates of Edo would be opened, so that we could all safely escape. I grabbed the hems of my kimono and attempted to get away from the fire.

I nearly tripped on the uneven ground, knocking my wooden clog against a small rock. After regaining my balance, I kicked the clogs off and ran through the shrine courtyard barefoot. People were already starting to run helter-skelter in the street outside, yelling and screaming.

The ground felt hot against my bare soles, and the air felt suffocating, nearly squeezing the oxygen out of my lungs. Nevertheless, I mustered all my strength to run, fleeing from the shrine grounds. I ran under the overhanging branches of the ginko tree, which were starting to break off, falling to the earth in loud thuds, ablaze. I managed to run out through the torii gate and into the mass of people running down the street.

“The wind is blowing this way!” someone yelled.

My heart beating fast, I ran as fast as I could down the street, confused, terrified, not really sure where I was going. Anywhere was fine, just away from the burning flames. A few men carrying wooden buckets sprinted down the street, flinging water at the wooden houses, each catching fire rapidly. The wind was also getting stronger and turbulent. Pieces of flaming debris flew around in the sky, knocking down people on the street.

A young mother, her hair tied up, the sleeves of her brown kimono fluttering in the strong wind, searched frantically in the crowd for her child. A frantic rider less horse galloped down the street, neighing in fright. A baby, strapped behind its mother’s back wailed in fear.

A few more explosions followed and the air grew hotter. I was sweating, panting, but none of that mattered. I had to flee, or I would be burnt like the furisode. I kept on running, the people around me shouting and screaming in panic, the bells of the fire towers still clanging loudly. I stopped to catch my breath, my hand supporting myself as I pressed it against a wooden beam, and found myself in front of a geisha house. There were a few maiko who were stepping out of the sliding door, before fleeing along with the rest of the crowd, their colourful kimonos a stark contrast of the dark and chequered patterns sported by most of the people on the street. After that a geisha stood at the door, looking directly at me.  For some reason, some part of me told myself that she looked very familiar. Her beautiful eyes stared directly at me with the coldness of a steel blade. Her face was concealed with a thick layer of powder, and cerise lipsticks adorned her lips. We looked at each other for a while, before her cold stare turned into an utter look of disgust. She then turned away, shutting the sliding shoji door behind her.

Seconds later, I saw the roof of the building catching fire. The flames started leaping and dancing across the black terracotta tiles. Suddenly I had a burst of energy, and I pushed myself to run across the street, flailing through the crowd, nearly knocking some people down as everyone ran about in a frenzy. But I just had to get to that wood-and-paper house. I had to warn that lady inside.

I slid open the door as the wooden beams of the house started succumbing to the raging flames. Inside the house the winds grew more violent, fiery winds sending the paper walls collapsing. The heat was intense.

The geisha, in her elegant black kimono was in the centre of the room, looking directly at me. In her hand was a fan, and she fanned her self gracefully. At that moment, another flaming pillar collapsed, forming a wall of flames between the lady and I.

“Run!” I screamed out loud at the top of my lungs, “It’s dangerous!”

The lady only looked at me, fanning herself with her ornate paper fan. She looked at me as the fires got more intense, thick smoke filling up the collapsing room. Then, as the flames started licking the flames of her kimono, she broke out into maniacal laughter, yet I could not see her mouth move, covered gracefully by the fan. Her laughter turned into a mixture of blood-curdling screeches and uncontrolled giggles.

Suddenly, I heard someone calling my name. I frantically searched around me, looking around to see where the voice was coming from. I looked but could not see anything save for the wooden furniture bursting into flames around me. I heard the shattering of exploding porcelain. I searched again and again, in an attempt to find who was calling me. By now, even the geisha was gone, perhaps she had vaporised. I was left alone in the burning building, left to die, with an invisible being calling out my name. Then, the building shook violently, and in my heart I anticipated the burning structure to bury me.

“Ayano-chan.”

I finally opened my eyes, and found myself in the middle of the classroom, seated at my desk. It took me quite a while to understand what was happening. I had a few strands of my hair sticking on my cheeks, and I could sniff the smell of paper close to my face.

In front of me, I saw Kameko-chan standing.

“You fell asleep in social studies again,” she said, giggling.

I immediately sat up. Social studies was the last lesson of the day, so I supposed school must have been over. I looked around, there were still a few people left in the classroom.

“Do I look terrible?” I asked Ka-chan.

“Nope,” she replied, “You look fine.”

Then, she reached out and swiped my fringe to the right.

“Much better,” she added, giggling.

I thanked her, and immediately started packing my things, stacking my books up and placing it back into my sling bag. I took out the pocket mirror and checked my face, just in case I looked terrible and Kameko-chan was just too nice to tell me. I guess I looked alright, but perhaps it was jut me being too tired to bother about how I look.

“You really knocked off quite hard,” Kameko-chan said, “You were even mumbling in your sleep, what were you dreaming about?”

“I dreamt that Edo caught fire,” I said, placing the mirror in my bag.

“Didn’t we cover that in class just now?” Ka-chan giggled, “But seriously, what did you do last night?”

“Studying,” I groaned, stifling yawn.

“Ah, for the mid-terms?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I replied, slinging my bag onto my shoulder.

“You’re overworking yourself,” she said, “You should take a break, you know?”

“No, I need to work harder,” I said, getting up.

“Ah, Ayano-chan, wait,” Ka-chan said, getting up, “Could you help me with a small favour?”

I agreed. She told me that she had left her notebook in one of the third year classrooms after she ran some errands there, and she asked me to come along. Since I would be too tired to study when I got home anyway, I decided to follow her.

We both went up to the sixth storey to the third year classrooms, and I followed Ka-chan into one of them. When we got in, there was nobody inside, the desks all arranged neatly and the chairs all tucked in. The entire classroom was in perfect order. Conveniently, Ka-chan’s notebook was placed on the teacher’s desk, probably by someone who found it and realised it did not belong to anybody in the class. As Ka-chan went over to retrieve her notebook, a desk in the corner, right beside the window, caught my eye.

It was a desk right beside the window, and there were a few stalks of light pink tulips on it. I walked over to take a closer look. The tulips were pretty, their delicate papery petals were still fresh. I bided Ka-chan to take a look, to which she just came over with a rather solemn look on her porcelain face. I commented on how pretty the tulips were, and it as such a waste for someone to be leaving them around on desks.

“Oh, you still haven’t heard?” she said softly.

“What?” I asked her, confused.

“Well, you know why the teachers were all called for the sudden conference this morning?” she asked, “It was because of this.”

I was still rather perplexed, and had no idea what Ka-chan was talking about.

“I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but I trust you and I hope you don’t tell anyone else. Promise you won’t, alright?” she said.

I promised.

“Well,” she began, “The girl that sits here, or used to sit here. . . is well, not with us anymore.”

“Ah,” I said, “I’m really sorry.”

“A few of her friends that I knew told me that her parents found her in her bedroom last night, sprawled on the floor. By the time they found her, she was already dead. They found an empty glass beside her, and an empty box of sleeping pills. She swallowed them all,” Ka-chan said, “I don’t get it, you know? I’ve only talked to her once or twice, but she seemed like a really nice senior and nobody would ever think that she would do such a thing. She was pretty, she was a part-time model, her parents were rather well-off, so I still don’t understand. Why?”

I could only keep silent, looking at the pink tulips on the deceased girl’s table. In the afternoon sunlight, the petals glowed a light shade of orange and red.

“Let’s go,” Ka-chan sighed, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

With that, the two of us left the classroom and headed back home. We did not even speak a  word as we sat in the tram. Ka-chan only looked outside of the tram window, observing the things occurring outside in the street, cars passing by, pedestrians walking. She rarely looked at me, but I let her be. I’ve never dealt with a suicide, so I didn’t know. I guess Ka-chan must have had some connection with this girl, but I did not ask how their relationship were to avoid hurting her feelings.

We both got off at Kashiwagicho, and we barely said anything as we walked back to our houses. My house was nearer to the station, so naturally I had to part with her.

“See you tomorrow,” I said as I walked up to my gate.

She merely glanced in my direction, and smiled weakly. I didn’t mind her actions, I guess her senior’s death did affect her a bit.

“Tadaima” I muttered, announcing my arrival.

I entered my house where my parents were home, both my parents in the living room. My mother had just made tea, and was sipping away at her cup, while my father was reading the afternoon paper, his teacup laying untouched on the kotatsu. There were talking about something , and didn’t seem to notice my arrival. Only when I dropped my bag on the floor and lethargically dragged myself across the floor, my socks still on, did they seem to notice my presence.

“Ah, Ayano,” my father suddenly said.

“Yes?” I asked.

“There’s been a suicide at your school is that right?” he asked me.

I was rather shocked by his sudden question, but only then did I realise that he might have come across an article detailing the accounts of the girl’s death in the afternoon paper.

“Yes,” I replied, “There has been.”

“Did you know the girl?” my mother asked.

“Well, I only know she’s a third year,” I replied, “I don’t know her personally though.”

“What a poor thing,” my mother commented solemnly, “She was still so young.”

I excused myself, and went upstairs. I was dying for a warm bath, so I bathed, and slipped into a fresh change of clothes. I then went downstairs again, and made myself a mug of green tea, using the hot water still in the flask. After bringing the mug of tea upstairs, my fabric slippers squeaking against the polished wooden floor, I sat down in front of my desk. Only then did I realise I had left my school bag, with all my study materials downstairs by the front door. Just because of one moment’s carelessness, I had to get up and make another trip downstairs to retrieve it.

Stupid girl, I scolded myself.

Lugging my school bag up, I placed it at the foot of my bed, before finally being able to sit down on my chair. I took a deep breath, and sank into my chair. Inhaling deeply, I brought the steaming cup of tea to my lips, and took a sip. It helped me calm down a bit, thankfully.

I then got started with my work. I flipped through my physics notes, and tried to comprehend what I had written on them. Page after page of formulae, scribbling and examples I scrutinised, taking sips of tea occasionally. Nevertheless, I found myself unable to concentrate. No matter how mch green tea I drank, and how many pages I flipped through, I kept thinking about the girl. It was pretty exhausting.

In the end I decided to loaf around on my bed. As much as I admonished myself in my head, I ended up rolling around on bed in the end. As I lay there cuddling my teddy bear, I heard my phone beep. Lazily, I reached out to my desk, where I had placed it last and brought it to me. It was a message from Adam-kun.

“Hey there, how’s it been? You’ve been really busy lately.”

I placed my phone aside, intending to reply to him at a later time. I was too exhausted as of then. I lay around in bed for a while, before falling asleep. My mother woke me up in the evening to have dinner, and straight after that I went back to my studies before going to bed, so I guess that was how I totally forgot about the message altogether. I went to sleep that night still thinking about the deceased girl.

Yoshitsugu Haruna, that was her name. That was what the principal said when he went up the stage for assembly. Usually our assemblies were filled with talks and workshops, but that day, the mood was very solemn. It seemed like everyone was silent, the death of the girl seemed to put a spell of silence upon the entire school. Everyone was reflecting, reflecting about death.

“Two days ago,” the principal began, speaking in a rather solemn tone, “We experienced the loss off one of our pupils in this school. She was a friend to some of us, a pupil to some of us, and even a stranger to some. Her name was Yoshitsugu Haruna.

I understand that her loss will hit hard on some of us, especially those of you who knew her personally. But do also think of her surviving family members and the grief that they must be feeling now. I ask of you to please kindly be sensitive to her family’s situation, and please do not speculate. I feel that what is more important are the emotions of her grieving family members and friends, and I hope all of you could rally and support those who need it most at this time.”

He then proceeded to announce that the girl’s wake would be held at such-and-such on such-and-such date, and he invited us, at the behest of the girl’s family, he explicitly mentioned, to drop by and give our condolences. I did not want to go, as I personally found it intrusive for me to drop by, being a total stranger to this girl. It would be really rude.

Somehow, the thought crossed my mind that if I were to die while I was still schooling, then probably the principal would also make an announcement similar to that, and the whole school would come to my funeral. My parents would be devastated, Adam-kun would be heartbroken. I could nearly picture everyone’s reaction if I were to die, but when it came to Ka-chan I had no clue. I had no clue whether she would laugh or cry, weep or snicker.

Thinking again, who would care if I were to die? Surely my parents would be really hard-hit, but they still had Akio-kun. Adam-kun is more of capable of finding a girl better and more caring than I was. Sayaka-chan probably would be sad, but she would probably think that she finally had one less burden to deal with. Yet again, I still could not picture Ka-chan’s reaction.

After the assembly, we were all dismissed for the day. There was no track on that day, so I waited for Adam-kun near the lockers. I slowly made my way there, still lost in my thoughts, it was a wonder I did not fall down or bump into someone while I was at it.

As I walked, I heard a few girls calling out to me. I stopped and looked behind, and saw Kameko-chan and Sayaka-chan approaching me from the corridor. Well, who else could it have been?

“Ah, Ayano-chan,” Sayaka-chan said, “You seem to be in a rush somewhere.”

“Ah, no,” I said, snapping out of my reverie, “Do you need something?”

Sayaka laughed.

“Oh boy, you sure must be really lost in your head,” she snickered, “Didn’t you promise to lend me your physics notes back in class just now? Seems like you have forgotten.”

“Ah,” I said, finally remembering, “I forgot, forgive me.”

As I fumbled around my bag for the notes, I heard Kameko-chan speak, to Sayaka-chan apparently.

“Well, if you borrow her notes for today, then how is she going to study when she gets home?” she asked.

“Don’t worry,” I interjected, before Sayaka-chan could reply, “For Wednesdays I just usually read through my Biology notes and do a little bit of math practice.”

“Ah, you’re so organised in your studies,” Ka-chan commented.

“Well, of course she would be,” Sayaka-chan remarked, “She’s really smart after all.”

“No, I’m not,” I replied, giggling awkwardly as I handed over my notes to Sayaka-chan.

She immediately flipped through the notes and from the look of her face, she seemed really amazed and impressed.

“Woah,” she said, “Your notes are so detailed! It must have taken you forever to make them.”

“Not really,” I replied, rather unsure on what to say in response to her praise.

“Can I take a look?” Ka-chan asked, to which I responded yes.

Sayaka-chan handed the notes I made to her and she scanned through the pages.

“These are actually pretty good,” she remarked, “Can I borrow them as well? Well, after Sayaka-chan I mean.”

“Ah, it’s fine,” Sayaka-chan said, “I’ll just photocopy two copies and pass one to you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, that’s so nice of you,” Ka-chan thanked her.

“No problem,” Sayaka-chan replied, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

As Sayaka-chan placed my notes into her schoolbag, Ka-chan spoke again.

“It’s the second death in two years,” she said, seemingly out of the blue, “Last year it was a first year right?”

Sayaka-chan was silent for a while, before she finally spoke. It was as if she went into deep thought as soon as Ka-chan mentioned the death that happened last year. I myself remembered that there had been a death last year, roughly in late autumn, but I didn’t really clearly remember the details.

“Yes, you’re right,” Sayaka-chan said, “I knew her rather well in fact.”

“Ah, I’m really sorry,” Ka-chan muttered, “I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine, Sayaka-chan said, “Let’s get moving, I’ll tell you both about it as we walk.”

We started walking and making our way to the lockers at the main building, quite a distance from the assembly hall, and Sayaka-chan began telling us her long tale. I was pretty much left confused since I really did not know much about the situation, so I just kept quiet. Thus, on the most part, you could say I was just eavesdropping on the conversation between Kameko-chan and Sayaka-chan.

“I knew that girl pretty well. In fact, I knew her way before I met the both of you. She, Jarrett and I grew up in the same condominium block, so we basically knew each other from birth. They used to be my only friends, and our parents thought that once the three of us enrolled in elementary school, their children would learn to mix with other children and make new friends. My parents were right, of course. I had no problem whatsoever mixing with other children, so making friends weren’t really that hard for me. But for the other two, their parents were dead wrong. Well, you might be really confused and all, since Jarrett is such a sweet talker and has so many friends now, but he wasn’t exactly like that. In fact, even last year he was still-”

Sayaka-chan stopped herself for a while, before continuing.

“Sorry, I was getting off-topic. I shouldn’t be talking about Jarrett, if he wanted to he would have told you about him himself,” Sayaka-chan said.

“It’s fine,” Ka-chan replied, “Jarrett-kun kind of told me parts of it.”

“Anyway, back to the girl. Her name was Tanokura Nanako . She wasn’t exactly normal. She was capable of flipping to extremes, and she was very, very unstable. She was diagnosed with clinical depression in the second year of junior high school. I guess all her isolationism led to her emotional instability and eventually exacerbated to depression. It was very exhausting to be with her, to put it in plain terms. There was just something very wrong with that girl, you can’t exactly relate to her. Nobody could. Of course, everyone tried to help her, but she wouldn’t budge an inch. Everybody gave up. Her parents were constantly worried about her.

“The only person she talked to was Jarrett. She literally stuck to him all day, following him everywhere. He didn’t seem to mind, it was not like he had any friends either. Those two were close, of course. Naturally, they got themselves involved in a relationship. Nanako opened up a black hole which consumed herself up, and was about to drag her boyfriend in as well, more than eager to do so.

“I know that what I’m about to say is not really nice, and I hope you don’t tell Jarrett this, but sometimes I felt like Nanako’s death was somehow beneficial, for her, for her family, for Jarrett, for everyone. I supposed she got her wish at last, she once came to me crying telling me that she wasn’t born. She didn’t stop crying, but at the end, I asked if she wanted me to call Jarrett over, but then she just shook her head and wiped her tears away. She offered no explanations. She was tearing herself apart, and nobody could pinpoint what was the exact cause of her condition actually. Not even the therapists and doctors. They’ll just point out some complicated scientific explanation, then instilled her some treatment or remedy, then she would be all right for a short time, but she just continues to collapse and decay. Perhaps she was just pretending.

“Maybe she’s happy up there, but I don’t know. She had always held on to the principle that life was eternal suffering, and never let go to that ideology. In a sense I had a feeling that Nanako was just using Jarrett to sustain herself, and I doubt that she truly loved him anyway. I know her death wasn’t exactly her fault, but I hope she realises how it had actually impacted Jarrett. That poor boy. I’ll be going to visit her grave with Jarrett today. Today is actually her first anniversary.”

Listening to Sayaka-chan’s description of this Tanokura girl, I kind of agreed that such a person would be better dead than alive. She’s lucky, at least. At least she’s dead. At least she stopped suffering. I was somehow able to relate to her ideology in fact.

Other than that, I also couldn’t help but realise that the deceased girl shared the same surname as my relatives in Sapporo.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” Ka-chan said, “How exactly did she die?” she asked.

“In an accident,” Sayaka-chan replied, “On a cold autumn afternoon last year.”

“I see,” Ka-chan said, “I would have thought it was a suicide.”

“For a person like her, who abhorred her very own life so much, to not die at her own hand, that’s such a travesty don’t you think?” I muttered softly, thinking out loud.

“That’s what I thought as well,” Sayaka-chan said, “Nevertheless, if I correctly remembered, she never once mentioned about taking her own life, I’m not sure if she mentioned anything to Jarrett though, he never told me anything. He was rather secretive about his relationship with her for some reason, and I doubt he will ever tell me.”

After a while of walking, Sayaka-chan stopped at one of the intersecting corridors, and told us to go on ahead. She told us that she was going to meet Kashiwagi-san.

“I’m meeting Jarrett at the side gate, we’re going to the cemetery together,” Sayaka-chan said, “See you guys tomorrow.”

With that, she left Ka-chan and I to make our own way towards the lockers. After listening to Sayaka-chan talk, I nearly forgot that I had to meet up with Adam-kun. I didn’t remember what Ka-chan and I talked about as we made our way there, but she did excuse herself and told me that she was going to go on ahead the moment she saw Adam-kun at the lockers. I guess she knew about our relationship, without me even telling her about it.

I found Adam-kun already at the lockers, waiting for me, his bag strapped onto his shoulder. His fingers were clamped together, and he was tapping his foot, staring into empty space as he sat on the bench. He stood up as soon as he saw me approaching. He muttered a greeting to me, but I could only return it with a weak smile. We both walked out into the courtyard in silence. As we walked, his hand slowly wrapped around mine, but I didn’t really feel any sort of special feeling over my chest. I guess maybe because I was so used to it.

A cool breeze blew and Adam-kun adjusted his woollen scarf on his neck with his other hand. We didn’t talk much, and just walked to the tram station in silence. I stopped Adam-kun once we were a few metres away from the tram station.

I was getting rather sleepy, well, it was already three in the afternoon, and I had been awake since three in the morning doing some work. I started doing that when I started preparing for the senior high school’s entrance examinations, but the habit had stuck with me since. I would wake up at three am whenever I felt like I had to do some work. If I hadn’t any homework, I would just flip open an assessment book and attempt the questions. The night before was one of those nights, which had been occurring more frequently of late, since I was busying myself preparing for the examinations which were not really that far away.

Adam-kun looked at me, probably wondering why I had stopped him before we had even reached the station. I pointed in the direction of a nearby vending machine and said I wanted to buy something to drink, to which he followed me there.

I took out my wallet, and inserted some coins into the vending machine. When the credit reached a hundred and ten yen, I pressed the button corresponding to a heated can of latte. A split second later, the can appeared in the collection vent with a thud. I bent down and reached for the can. It was warm, the heat emanating from between my icy palms. It felt nice and cosy. If it weren’t for Adam-kun being there and that we were in public, I would have taken the warm heated can and pressed it on my face. It would feel nice for sure.

“Coffee?” Adam-kun asked, “You’re always drinking bitter things.”

I laughed.

“Well, I guess maybe it’s because I’m a rather bitter girl,” I replied, still holding the warm can in my hands.

“Don’t say that,” he said as he fished out the wallet from his pocket.

I took a sip from the warm coffee as Adam-kun slotted some coins into the machine. I heard him press a button and in the next instance I heard the thud of the can dropping into the collection vent.

“What did you buy?” I asked him as we both continued walking to the tram station.

“Milk tea,” he said, opening his can, “Sweetened, of course.”

“You’re always drinking these sweet things,” I said, “Maybe it’s because you’re a sweet boy.”

Adam-kun laughed awkwardly, his right hand rubbing the back of his head, the can of warm tea in his left hand.

A soft wind blew, the breeze caressing my twin ponytails, and sent Adam-kun’s crimson scarf fluttering gently. We finished our drinks and threw it in a dustbin at the tram station. Seeing that there was still some time left before the next tram would arrive, we took a seat at the bench.

“You looked really tired just now,” Adam-kun said, “What have you been up to?”

“Well,” I said, “I woke up early this morning to do work. You know, revising, reading up, among other things.”

“What time did you wake up?” he asked me.

“Three in the morning, I think. Maybe two. Can’t really remember,” I replied.

“That’s really early,” he said, “Are you sure you’re getting enough sleep?”

“Well, I sleep early so at least I’ve had some rest before doing the work,” I explained to him, “It’s actually more productive that way. Having just woken up, doing work.”

“What for?” he asked.

“What for?” I asked, my tone unintentionally cynical, “We have an exam coming up in a month’s time, and you ask ‘what for?’”

Adam-kun looked at me. I could tell he was slightly shocked, his hazel eyes quickly skirting away. I wish I could take my words back. I wish I could’ve sounded nicer and more gentle to him. At that point, after all the talk about death and death and death made me apathetic. After all, I had come to realise, life is very transient. The only absolute thing is death, and death shall always be the end of everything that breathes, knowing no exceptions. Death knows no age. Death knows no mercy.

“I-I’m sorry,” he muttered, looking in the other direction.

“No,” I said emptily, “I should be the one who’s sorry.”

It was strange in the sense that I muttered out such a half-hearted apology that I didn’t mean at all. I don’t know, I guess I was too exhausted to actually bother about anything else other than studying. The examinations and results were important to me. After all, nothing comes without hard work.

“Aren’t you stressed?” Adam-kun asked me.

“Of course,” I said. “But I’m used to it. If I don’t work hard I feel unfulfilled. Then again, the results for the exams are important after all.”

“I don’t really study much,” Adam-kun said, chuckling. “When I’m with you, I feel so stupid.”

I did not say anything in reply, I merely sighed.

“Sorry, I’m just really tired,” I told him.

He fell silent, and so did I. I took out my phone and looked at the time. I thought of the things I had to do when I got home. I usually revised whatever I had learnt for the day in the afternoons, and also refreshed whatever I had learnt over the past weeks briefly, before moving on to prepare myself for the forthcoming lessons in the mornings. What was I going to revise again today? Yes, Biology, that’s right.

“So . . . What are you doing when you get home?” he asked me.

“Study, of course,” I said. “Then I might browse through WEGO’s online catalogue or something.”

“Is it okay if you break off your schedule for today?” he said. “Well, just for today, if it’s okay with you.”

“Why?” I asked, rather curious.

Adam-kun blushed, his cheeks turning rosy. He fidgeted with his fingers nervously.

“Well. . . I was thinking. . .” he began, “Maybe you’d like a break. I wanted to bring you somewhere.”

“Where?” I asked.

Adam-kun looked at me. Then, a minute smirk curled up from the side of his lips.

“Well, I’ll tell you if you agree to follow me there,” he said mischievously, obviously knowing that I would be rather irritated.

Indeed, I was kind of irritated, but I just kept my cool.

“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll go with you. Now tell me where we’re going.”

Adam-kun chuckled.

“Well, if I told you now, then that’ll ruin the surprise now won’t it?”

I didn’t press him any further and let him go on and surprise me. Nevertheless, I did calculate a few guesses in my head. We, for certain, would not be going to Mount. Hakodate, since it was in the wrong direction, and Adam-kun and I were (presumably) going to ride the train heading towards the northern suburbs, since we were at the platform anyway.

We got on the tram, and sat beside each other at the two-seater right at the back of the tram car. I only looked out of the window with bored, tired eyes. It seemed like a lazy Autumn afternoon. The shops were empty, and so were the streets. The only exceptions were an old couple, taking an afternoon stroll, hand in hand, as well as a flock of pigeons, seemingly sunbathing in the autumn sun. Streaks of white clouds dotted the faded sky.

Along the way, we talked, but I wasn’t really in the mood to care. The tram exited the commercial centre and headed through the quieter residential districts. When the tram finally pulled up to Goryokakumae  station, Adam-kun slung his bag on and stood up.

“We’re alighting here,” he said to me.

I stood up, straightening my skirt and following suit to the door where Adam-kun was standing. Once the carriage stopped, we alighted. The station was quiet, and the both of us seemed to be the only signs of life in an otherwise empty intersection. Although the streets seemed void, the same could not be said for the atmosphere.

It was funny how although the streets were empty, the atmosphere on the other hand, was teeming with life. Though most of the happenings were hidden behind the maze of low rises, the district buzzed with lively sounds. The low humming of the electric tram, the gawking of the afternoon birds, the sharp sound of a rake raking away dead leaves, these were just a few of the sounds that made the district buzz with life. The smells did not disappoint either. The scent of someone’s cooking wafted in the air, intermingling with the aroma of burning incense sticks.

The two of us walked down the straight street, Adam-kun leading the way. We rarely spoke, but at the beginning he did ask me something.

“So where do you think I’m bringing you?” he asked me.

“I could somehow guess roughly,” I replied, not really that enthusiastic about it.

Adam-kun chuckled, before falling silent, walking in front and leading the way for me. I guess it was rather nice of him to be thinking of me and offering to take me somewhere for a break, but nevertheless I couldn’t help but think of the assignments and revision worksheets I had on my desk back at home. I needed to score well in the examinations. It’s funny how I’d never asked myself why I had to though. I just needed to score well, and I knew fully well that if I worked hard and practiced hard enough I’ll be sure to get what I want.

After a while of walking down the street, we reached an intersection. Over the other side of the road, was the Goryokaku itself, the star-shaped fortress separated from us by the filled moat, the water surface glimmering in the autumn sun. From across the moat I could see the red leaves of the trees within the low, ruined fortress walls.

“Well,” I began, “You could say it’s pretty.”

“Of course it is,” Adam-kun said, “What do you mean?”

“Ah,” I said, “I’m not really sure what I meant.”

Adam-kun went on walking beside me, his hands shoved in the pockets of his trousers. For most of the time, he was looking at the ground. I felt slightly anxious, but I couldn’t help being so apathetic. I was too focused on my work, and that robbed me of most of my interest. What little concern I had left in me was focused on the death of the third-year girl. I supposed it was rather selfish of me, to think of the trouble Adam-kun to take me here, and there I was, moping. I didn’t really care about anything else that day, it was pretty much an empty feeling.

He must have noticed something different with me, that was probably why he didn’t reach out to hold my hand in his. Even if he did, he would just be holding on to a limp arm, my thoughts were still preoccupied.

I nearly walked on, my mind somewhere else, so much so that I nearly missed the turn into the entrance of the park, the gate with the bridge across the moat. If it wasn’t for Adam-kun who tugged my elbow I would have ended up walking straight. My mind was disoriented, but who wouldn’t have guessed?

I followed Adam-kun through the ruined gate, the trees surrounding it shrouded in dying foliage. A cold wind blew, sending the dead branches rustling in the breeze. In the corner of my eye, I noticed Adam-kun adjust his red woollen scarf.

“It’s kind of cold,” he chuckled, when he saw me observing him. “But I’m sure you can stand it. Right, Ayano-chan?”

I nodded my head and giggled. I remembered the time when he commented on me wearing my summer uniform when the temperatures were already starting to plummet.

As we walked deeper into the fortress park, past the replica of the Magistrate’s office where throngs of tourists were congregated, the vegetation got lusher, the foliage nearly covering the sky over the path that we were on. The rays of the autumn sun entered, and the rays scattered, much like in a kaleidoscope, glimmering specks of light onto the leaf litter crunching underneath our feet. A park attendant, a middle-aged lady in a green jumper, was raking the leaves on the floor into a pile. The scraping of the leaves on the ground filled the air, together with the chirping of the waxwings.

The leaves were all a rather magnificent hue of crimson and gold, their branches ochre. The leaves of the cherry trees were all yellow now, their soft pink blossoms long dead. It has been a long time since I visited the ruins of the star-shaped fort. Sometimes I wondered what it looked like back in the days of the Bakumatsu,  back when Hakodate was the capital of the Ezo Republic. I guess it wouldn’t be that impressive, the Republic was a lost cause from the beginning anyway. I remembered the last time I visited was back when I was in elementary school. It was a clear spring afternoon during Hanami, the blossoms in and around the Goryokaku in full bloom. Aunt Tanokura had brought me along with her children to the park on one of her rare days off. It was a beautiful day to enjoy the bounty of nature. It was also the day where Shuuya pushed me into the moat.

“You know,” I told Adam-kun, as the both of us walked towards a gazebo, “I fell into the moat once.”

Adam-kun looked at me, surprised.

“Really?” he asked, his eyes widening in disbelief.

“Why would I lie to you?” I giggled, to which he smiled.

“Let me guess,” he began. “You slipped and fell into the water when your mind was wandering off?”

“No, my cousin pushed me in,” I replied. “I was around nine back then, during hanami. I was watching the cherry blossom petals floating in the moat, when suddenly he snuck up on me from behind and pushed me into the moat.”

“That must be pretty bad,” Adam-kun commented, “The water’s still quite cold in May.”

“Not only that,” I added, “I barely knew how to swim, so it was a rather terrible experience. The water was rather deep, or well, it was to me, since I was shorter back then.”

“That’s terrible,” he said, looking at me.

“Well, thankfully for me,” I said as I sat down on the raised platform of the gazebo, “My aunt jumped in and fished me out. I was amazed she could swim, turned out she was a member of the swimming team back when she was in high school.”

“That was really close for you,” he said as he sat down beside me. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” I muttered, my chin propped upon my palm, elbow pressing into my thigh. “If I died back then, I might be so much happier.”

Adam-kun was rather taken aback by my words. I could only sigh and offer him another apology.

“I’m sorry,” I said, toying with my fringe. “I don’t really know what’s wrong with me today,” I tried to explain myself to him.

“That’s alright,” he replied. “So what happened after that?”

I looked at Adam-kun at first, slightly unsure about what he was referring to. Only after a while did I realise he was talking about my encounter with the water. I guess you could say he was trying to change the subject, he did seem slightly queasy after all when I mentioned death.

“Well, I got out of the water, and my aunt took me home. I caught a chill not long after,” I answered.

“Then what happened to your cousin?” he asked again.

“He got scolded by my aunt of course. Pretty badly, you could say. I guess it was befitting for a child who pushed others into freezing water out of mischief and their own amusement. I think he actually cried, if I remembered correctly,” I recalled, giggling emptily.

“Are you still angry with him?” he questioned.

“That’s pretty much the case,” I said, my right hand toying with my right ponytail.

Adam-kun chuckled, his left fist on his chin.

“Now I really wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of that,” he said, before beginning to count something with his fingers, “After. . . eight years?”

“Well, I guess that’s what you get for making me really angry, or traumatised, however you want to put it,” I replied jokingly.

“I hope you’ll never harbour such feelings towards me for such a long time,” Adam-kun laughed.

“I don’t think there would be a reason for me to be that angry with you,” I reassured him.

“Well, I wouldn’t push you into freezing water,” he chuckled.

“I hope that’s true,” I replied, paying really not much heed to what he just said.

We fell silent after that, with the both of us seemingly out of words to say to each other. The only sounds were the rustling of the leaves in the wind, as well as the distant, faint roar of a plane as it flew overhead us, although we could not see it. After a while, he spoke again.

“I’m going to the gent’s for a short while, so you stay here, alright?” he said, standing up.

With that, he walked away, heading in the direction of the Magistrate’s Office, right in the centre of the ruined fort, before disappearing as the path bent and the foliage seemed to have hidden it, obscuring it in red and yellow.

Alone and having nothing to do, I took out my hand phone. What initially started off as a routine check of WEGO’s online fashion catalogue slowly progressed to me checking out the Ameblo blogs of a few of the models on the site. Somehow as I looked through one of the model’s blog page, I came across a post, the latest post in fact, detailing the death of Yoshitsugu Haruna. I supposed she might have worked for WEGO once, and the owner of the blog I was currently at must have known her somehow.

“Haruna-chan, you shall forever be missed.

Love, Kaede.

22-10-1996 ~ 23-10-2014”

The short message was followed by a picture of the both of them taking a picture together. It was a sweet picture, and the lighting and shades made the two girls in there look pretty angelic. Haruna-san was on the right, her fringe softly curling to her right, covering her right eyebrow. She was wearing a white blouse, with a similar pattern to the blouse I wore to Adam-kun’s house the other time to celebrate his birthday. Kaede-san was on the left, making the peace sign, leaning close to Haruna-san. Her lower face was covered by a surgical mask, and her eyes were both closed, revealing a rather lush bloom of false eyelashes. I supposed they took the picture in a patisserie of some sort, as they each had a piece of fancy pastry in front of them, set on clean white plates.

My attention returned to Haruna-san. I noticed her large hazel contacts and the lashes she wore. I looked at those sweet, frozen eyes for a rather long time. These were the eyes of the girl that had decided to end her life not too long ago. The girl who decided that she couldn’t take it anymore and swallowed the pills that stopped her heart from beating. The girl who was loved by many, now many tears were shed for her departure. The girl whose death left many pondering.

“Why?” they must be thinking, “Why must she die?”

It was a peculiar feeling, looking into a dead person’s hazel eyes. Eyes that would still be open just a few days before.

Indeed, I myself wondered why such a sweet girl like her would decide to end her own life. Sleeping pills, they said it was the most painless way to die. I suppose we will never know, those who died that way never came back, telling us how painful or painless it was. We will never know. Even if we, the living knew why Haruna-san decided to die, it will not bring the girl back to life. Nevertheless, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to click the link to Haruna-san’s personal blog. Perhaps there might be some clues regarding her death there, I thought.

Adam-kun was still nowhere in sight, so I resumed my attention to my phone. I had managed to load Haruna-san’s personal blog on Ameblo, and I decided to look through her posts. Her profile picture was a picture of herself, posing. Her contact lenses made her eyes appear larger. She hid her lower face underneath the collar of a turtleneck sweater, which she had pulled up in front of her. The photo was edited and she had pasted some icons of hearts and clouds over it, together with a heart-shaped frame. I guess Haruna-san was the type of girl who liked cute things. Her entire theme of the blog was light pink, and her background picture was of rabbits.

The blog was filled with condolences, her message board filled with short notes from bereaved friends and family members. They were all the same, strings of sorrowful verses put together, showing all the pain and sorrow she had left behind. Altogether, her message board was a quilt of friends recalling happy memories, mourning relatives, and condolences from strangers and the modelling agencies she had worked with. Without a doubt, Haruna-san was a girl mourned by many. All she left behind was a trail of sorrow and tears.

I continued on to view her blog posts, to which I looked through the first few. She had so a horde of posts and pictures, I doubt I would ever be able to view them all. The date of her death stuck at the back of my mind, the 23rd of October.

I saw the latest post by her, made on the 22nd of October, a day before her death. She had taken photos of herself and her friends, surrounding the cake in the middle. From the looks of it, her friends had come over to celebrate her birthday. I scanned the crowd of youths around the deceased girl, and recognised a few third years in the crowd which I recognised. What I did not expect was Ka-chan. She was there, beside another girl, wearing a hairband with two bunny ears sticking out. I was rather intrigued by how Ka-chan was connected to Haruna-san, but since that wasn’t my primary objective, I just kept it on the sidelines.

In the short post below the photographs she uploaded, she talked about how she was grateful to all her friends that came to celebrate her birthday together with her. She went on about the lovely gifts that she got. Although it was a short post, I scrutinised, every word and character, it felt like I was reading a report. But one particular sentence caught my eye.

“If this were to be my last birthday, I’d be more than happy.”

At first glance, it seemed like a girl expressing her grateful feelings to her friends. Nevertheless, reading it with consideration of the events that followed, it seemed like an eerie foreshadow to her death. It was undoubtedly a suicide, and such has been reported in the newspapers. Nonetheless, no motive had been made clear by the deceased herself. The report in the paper did not mention anything about a suicide note or a history of depression. I myself could not seem to find anything on her Ameblo either, although I did notice a one month’s gap between her latest post and the previous one.

I scrolled through the posts, mostly about her and her daily activities. I found that she was also rather social, there were many pictures of her eating out with her friends, as well as her on outings. In a post in June, she had visited Tokyo Disneyland with a bunch of friends, and amidst the group of five girls, I found Ka-chan. She had never told me she was friends with such a popular model. Maybe it wasn’t that much of a surprise, Ka-chan could connect well with most girls anyway.

I also found a post where Haruna-san took a picture together with Ka-chan. It was all the way back in April, when Ka-chan told me she had gone to follow her parents to Dubai for a business trip. Haruna-san was wearing a light pink blouse, and Ka-chan wore a white jacket over a black-and-white polka-dotted dress.

“Today we had a new junior join us. She’s also from Hakodate! Turns out she’s a second year at my school! Our attachment only ends at the end of May, then we could return to our hometown together! I finally have someone to talk to about home! Let’s work hard together, Murakami Kameko-chan!”

I read that post feeling slightly bewildered. Didn’t Kameko-chan leave for Dubai? I sent her to the airport, and I watched the flight she was on fly into the sky with my very own eyes. Now that I thought about it, Kameko-chan never mentioned when she was coming back.

I told myself to return my focus to Haruna-san and why she died. I looked through most of the posts she had made in 2014, but there weren’t any that could tell me if she had any motives to kill herself.

“So why did Haruna-san die?” I thought aloud, not really realising it.

“Who knows?”

I turned around and saw Adam-kun seated beside me, screwing the cap off a mineral water bottle. I was rather shocked at seeing him suddenly appear, and nearly dropped my phone. Adam-kun chuckled, seeing my reaction, before bringing the bottle to his lips. I felt my cheeks getting warmer out of embarrassment and I quickly went over to him and hit his shoulder repeatedly. This only made him laugh, and he nearly choked on his water. He started coughing so I quickly retracted my hands.

“I-I’m sorry,” I apologised, as soon as he recovered.

“It’s fine,” he said, as he put the half-empty plastic bottle beside him. “I had been sitting there for the past five minutes and it seems you didn’t even notice me there,” he chuckled.

“I’m sorry for that too,” I said awkwardly.

“What were you doing?” Adam-kun asked, “You were so focused on the screen of your phone.”

“Ah,” I replied, “I was just curious about Haruna-san.”

“You mean the girl that died the other day?” Adam-kun replied.

“I’ve checked her blog, but I don’t seem to be able to pinpoint a motive for suicide. I thought she might have left some clues online.” I said, adjusting my fringe.

I quickly scrolled to the post regarding her birthday and showed it to Adam-kun.

“Look, this post was right before the day of her suicide,” I told him. “Don’t you think it’s rather strange that she didn’t show any signs at all. She even looked rather happy in the photos.”

Adam-kun looked at me, before leaning back, his arms behind him, palms flat on the wooden boards. He gazed of into the distance, at the golden leaves of the maples trees. He was silent.

“Well,” he said after a while. “Sometimes people put up facades to hide how rotten and decayed they truly are. But don’t you think it’s better that way?”

“Why so?” I asked.

“That way, you won’t be a burden to anyone. If you act all depressed and all, people will begin to worry. They’ll only feel worse after your death that they could’ve done something to save you, to pull you out of the hellhole you’re in. It’s much easier to hide,” Adam-kun said.

I noticed the faint smile that was etched on his lips. I supposed it was involuntary, but I saw it anyway.

“Adam-kun. . .”

That instant, Adam-kun reached out for the bottle beside him and handed it to me.

“You must be really thirsty. You want some?” he offered.

I declined him, not really interested in drinking anything.

“What you said made sense. . . But I just still don’t get why she had to die,” I said.

“You’re just like my mom,” Adam-kun said, “Observing, investigating, reasoning, that’s what she does. You might make a great lawyer you know?”

“Eh?” I said, blushing at his compliment. “I’ve never thought of it that way to be honest.”

“Well, now you have something to consider when you go to university,” he chuckled.

I laughed as well, before the conversation died and we returned to silence. I looked up and decided to observe my surroundings.

The crimson leaves of the trees, the ochre branches, the mixed hues of the dead foliage on the ground. Red, gold and yellow. They were all the colours of death and decay, but why were they so beautiful? Perhaps death is beautiful. Thinking about it, life seemed bleak and dull compared to the beauty of death. Birthed into a sorrowful world, we are all forced into an unforgiving society. For the nation, for the economy, for family, for duty. Not even for ourselves do we live. Our lives are nothing but a burden. Maybe that was why Haruna-san chose death. Maybe she saw the beauty of it. Maybe she saw how meaningless life was.

“Life is truly a meaningless thing, don’t you think?” I said, all of a sudden, breaking the serene, pure silence.

Adam-kun looked at me with his dark eyes.

“Truly,” he muttered.

“We were conceived into this world, we grow up, we study, we work, then we rot and die. There can’t be any meaning to that can it?” I asked.

Adam-kun only kept silent, his thin lips sealed.

“It’s not like we chose to live anyway,” I said. “When I think about it, the world is indeed a terrible, terrible place. Isn’t it better not to be born at all?”

Adam-kun only nodded his head silently, gazing at the foliage in the distance.

“I-I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I don’t know, the thoughts were just. . . overwhelming.”

“You should rest,” Adam-kun said.

He slung his bag on and got up.

“I’ll walk you home,” he said, extending his hand out to me.

I took his hand and stood up. The both of us then walked through the park and past the moat. The afternoon sky was glowing a bright red, the sun far in the west.

My hand was held in his, but somehow, I did not feel anything like I used to. There was no more warmth, no more comfort around my chest. It was cold, just like the cold autumn breeze that sent Adam-kun’s scarf gently fluttering.

It was only then that it dawned on me, that the euphoria of our newly-founded love was all but gone.