TRIGGER WARNING: This book contains scenes of child abuse, depression, or self-harm. The story depicts scenes and themes related to mental health struggles. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, please seek support from a qualified professional or contact a helpline for assistance. 

INTRO

Mom disappeared. Father said she died. After they were ripped away from their mother when she took them to leave the house, Midnight hadn't seen his mother, however much he looked. He couldn't see his big brother as well. His big brother had gone missing—no. His father was hiding his big brother from him again. Even at a young age, Midnight could feel that his father did not want him to be close to his big brother.

Their mother would always tell him that his big brother did not feel the same way as their father, that his big brother loves him dearly, but why was his brother not coming to see him and play with him more? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not worthy to play with big brother?

With that thought in a child's head, Midnight couldn't help recalling his father's words when they bumped into each other in the garden.

'Such a burden and useless child.'

Midnight pressed his lips together. Am I a burden to big brother? Am I useless?

Questioning his worth and his big brother's love again and again, Midnight retreated to the corner of his room. The trembling five years old Midnight hugged himself and closed his eyes as the darkness in his mind swallowed him. He did what his mom had told her to do if he was scared and need help—he prayed.

Lord, please bring mama back. Please tell me that dad is just lying. Mama will come back. She promised me.

His mom couldn't be dead. He didn't believe his father. Mama will never leave me. She promised him he'll take him far, far away from this house with his big brother so they could always play together. He could finally spend time with his big brother whenever he wanted to without being punished by their father. Mom promised me will be together and happy. Please, lord, don't take mom away. Big brother will be very sad. I will be very sad too.

He remained in the corner. Praying for his mother to come and get him and his big brother to play with him again. He wanted nothing but to be with them all the time. Because in this cold and terrifying house, he only had his mother and brother. He couldn't lose them. He wouldn't survive.

Without his mother's incessant begging, his father would surely take his big brother away and they won't be able to play together again. Midnight did not want that. He wanted to be with his brother all the time. He didn't want to be separated from his big brother.

But however much the five-year-old Midnight pray, his mom never came back, and his big brother never showed up.

Lacking sleep from waiting for his mother, the next day, he was taken by the person working for his father to a room.

At a very young age, he learned that crying would only anger his father and the surrounding people, so he held back his tears and asked in a quivering voice. He was also used to being taken away for a private lesson by his father.

"W-what is my lesson today?" I have to do better so I won't be mama and big brother's burden. What if his mama and big brother found him useless? He had to work hard.

The cold, emotionless eyes of the person in front of him did not even look at him and just push him inside the dark room. "Stay here until I said so. This will train your scotopic vision. If you want to get out of here early, train your eyes to see in the dark." With those words, the door slammed closed, leaving Midnight inside the dark room. Alone.

A sob escaped Midnight's lips, but immediately, he covered his own mouth to not make a sound, restraining himself not to cry.

If he was heard crying, his father would be mad at him again. And if his father was mad, his father wouldn't let him see his brother again.

Thus, the five-year-old Midnight endured his fear inside the dark room.

Stretching out his trembling hand to his front, he took a step. His whole-body quivering in fear of the dark. He disliked being alone. But now he was, and it was dark.

Midnight couldn't help whimpering in the darkness. "Mama..."

He bit his lower lip and tried to take a step again. His hand trying to feel his surroundings so he wouldn't bump into anything. Then he took another step, and then another, and another. He was terrified. His mind was telling him that there was a monster in this darkness, but he couldn't stop. His mind was screaming at him to find a comfortable place to hide. So, he could pass the time in this dark room safely.

Amidst his fear, he kept moving. He knew he couldn't stop. He had to find safety. That was the only way he could survive the darkness.

His relief when he felt the wall in his palms was so palpable, but he did not make a sound. He just silently used his hands to touch the wall, trace it and follow it length to find the corner where he slowly sat, his back against the wall. Because that was the only way he could feel safe.

And then, diligently, Midnight tried to train his eyes to see in the darkness. He actually didn't know how to do it, but he still tried whatever he could without certainty if he would be able to. The faster he could train his eyes, the faster he could see his mama and big brother.

Aware of the passing of time and day, Midnight's eyesight gradually adapted to the darkness. He never left his safe corner unless he had to eat and go to the comfort room in the opposite corner. A food box would be slid inside the small crack in the door, and he would eat silently, while trying his best not to cry.

He couldn't let himself cry. Or else he would stay here longer. He didn't want that. He was desperate to see his mama and his big brother. Thus, he endured.

He endured the fear, the darkness, and being alone in the room. Days passed. Time flow slowly. Midnight didn't know if it was day or night. The only indication to him that it was night was the meals that would be delivered to him. When there's food, then it's day. If there wasn't, then it's night.

Midnight didn't know how long he stayed in that dark room before the door finally opened and the man who's always walking behind his father entered.

Midnight squinted his eyes at the sudden brightness from the opened the door. He even used his arm to shield his eyes because it hurt.

"Can you see in the dark now?" That cold voice asked him.

Midnight, afraid to be left in that dark room again, nodded fervently. "C-can I see mama now?"

Without reservation and pity, the man answered. "Your mama is already dead."

Midnight pressed his lips together. Stopping himself from shouting at the cold man that those words were lies. He also held his tears. But the child's quivering lips did not escape the man's eyes.

"H-how... c-can I see b-big brother?" Midnight tentatively asked. Brother would know about mama, right?

But his hope was instantly squashed as the man answered him. "Your big brother doesn't want to see you."

Midnight dumbfoundedly stared at the man. He looked in dazed. He wanted to ask why, but his father's words entered his mind.

'Such a burden and useless child.'

Midnight pressed his lips tighter, and he clenched his trembling hands.

"S-should I... remain here to continue t-training my e-eyes?" Midnight's eyes were red from stopping himself from shedding tears. Maybe if I train better, big brother will come see me.

The cold man shrugged. "It's not like your brother will see you if you stay here longer, but whatever. No one care."

Midnight's chest felt like someone was stomping on it. He felt suffocated and crushed. He became unable to speak and just dazedly stared at the floor.

No one care. These words keep repeating in Midnight's mind again and again like a broken record. To a vulnerable child, these words were like a knife stabbing into his heart and mind so mercilessly. No one cared. No one cared about me. Maybe the cold man is right. Big brother doesn't care. If he did, then... wouldn't he come see me? Even just once? Father likes big brother so much, right? Big brother could always see me if he wants.

That is... if big brother wanted to. But what if big brother didn't want to?

Midnight's head remained lowered. The man could see the child's struggle not to cry, but he did not care and walked out while saying, "go back to your room, don't go out without my consent and wait for your next training."

Midnight silently nodded and obediently went back to his room. He kept squinting his eyes because the brightness was hurting him. Until he reached his room, he passed a few people hut no one asked if he was okay.

Only his mom cared. And now mom is not here. He didn't believe that his mother was dead like that man said.

She couldn't be dead. She promised me!

The obedient child suddenly changed his mind and went out of his room to look for his brother. Big brother will certainly know where mama is.

Determined to find his mother, Midnight slipped out of his room and went to look for his brother, while hiding from time to time to not get caught.

After so much difficulty, he finally arrived at his big brother's room.

Midnight eagerly knocked. "B—"

"Go away!" A voice from the inside shouted. "Don't disturb me!"

Midnight's hand that was knocking froze, and his whole body hardened.

Midnight opened his mouth to tell his brother that it was him, but he was afraid that his big brother would shout at him and tell him much meaner words if his big brother found out that it was him.

Afraid to hear his big brother discarding him, Midnight let his hand fall to his side. He stepped back and ran back to his room.

Unbeknownst to him, he was seen by his father's butler.

Only a few minutes after reaching his room, there was a knock on the door.

Midnight timidly opened it and stilled in nervousness when he saw who it was.

The cold man.

Midnight stuttered. "W-why—"

"How dare you be disobedient!"

Hearing that cold, fierce voice, Midnight shrunk back, and he stumbled, falling to the ground.

The cold man clicked his tongue. "Useless children like you should always be obedient. If you're not obedient, you will not be liked. Why do you think your brother is not coming to see you? It's because you are disobedient and disobedient children are such a burden."

As Midnight listened to those words, he became paler and paler. His mind was racing.

I have to be obedient so big brother will like me. I can't be a bad child. Or brother will not like me." Mama..."

The cold man frowned deeply, sigh and shook his head. "As I told you earlier, your mom, who's just as useless as you, is dead. She won't be coming back. Mom was gone. She abandoned you here, and she's never coming back."

Midnight couldn't accept what he was hearing. Amidst his fear, he shook his head and talked back. "No. M-mama is alive. Y-you're lying...!"

The man just sighed at Midnight and slammed the door closed. And from the outside, Midnight heard the man spoke.

"You will not eat tonight! That's your punishment!"

Staring at the door, Midnight couldn't stop it anymore. The tears that he had been suppressing finally fell, and a sob filled the room.

It was a soft sob at first until it become a wail of an emotionally wounded child.

Each sob was filled with indescribable pain, indignation, and grievances. The five-year-old child couldn't understand why he was suffering like this. He couldn't understand why he was hated by his father and unloved by his big brother. He couldn't comprehend why his mother had just disappeared.

And in between sobs, an intermittent child's voice overflowing with longing and fear could be heard calling his mother and his brother.

"Why...help...please...mama... big brother..." Midnight, who was kneeling in front of the door, was asking for any explanation and help, but there was nothing. Someone, anyone, please, bring back my mama and big brother. The child was begging, but no one opened the door to save him. He remained alone in this cold room, wishing and praying for something that was never granted, however much he cried.

That was why the five years old hated crying. Even if he cried a river, it would accomplish nothing.

Midnight was exhausted from crying, and he fell asleep on the floor. He did not know how long he was asleep when he felt himself levitating and immediately; he smelled the familiar scent of his big brother. As if someone was carrying him to a safe place, even though the arms holding him were weak and shaking.

Snuggling close to his big brother's scent, Midnight fell asleep deeply to the point where he did not realize that it was indeed his big brother who was carrying him to his bed.

Staring at his little brother, Knight softly caressed his little brother's cheeks that was covered in dry tears.

"It's just us now." Knight whispered to his sleeping little brother. "I will work hard to keep you safe. I promise."

Reluctant to leave, Knight stayed with his little brother until he felt sleepy himself. Only then did he leave.

When Midnight woke up the next morning, he instantly looked around, recalling smelling his brother's scent last night. But he was all alone. Was he mistaken? But he remembered falling asleep on the floor last night? Someone brought him to his bed.

In this house, only big brother would do it. Midnight couldn't help smiling happily, thinking that his big brother was here last night. Maybe big brother was just in a bad mood yesterday. Mama always said that big brother loves me. Mama will not lie, right?

Happy with those thoughts, Midnight waited for his breakfast. He could not just leave his room and roam around. His father would be very mad at him. Even his mother couldn't stop his father's anger.

I have to wait obediently. Big brother will play with me more if I'm obedient.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, his legs hanging and swaying, Midnight looked like an unscarred child. However, as hours passed, no one came to his room to bring him breakfast.

Did they forget again? It was not the first time the people in their house did.

Touching his grumbling stomach, he waited and waited and waited, but nothing.

Gradually, Midnight's bright expression fell until it became blank. What was he expecting? It was not the first time. When his mother was still here, she would bring him breakfast, but now that his mother had left him, that cold man's words were right... no one cared.

Midnight was about to go back to sleep when the doorknob made a sound and the door slowly opened.

He held his breath. Be obedient. Don't make a mistake. He reminded himself as waited for the door to full opened.

His blank face instantly brightened when he saw who entered his room. "Big brother!" He jumped from the bed and throw himself at his big brother.

Knight immediately caught his little brother and patted his back while hugging him. "I brought you food."

Midnight let go of his big brother. The happiness on his entire face was so dazzling that Knight couldn't help feeling happy as well, even though he just went through a punishment.

"Here." Knight gave his brother the food he brought. "Eat now. I heard you didn't have dinner last night."

Midnight just smiled at his big brother and accepted the food. He didn't want his big brother to know that he was not given food last night because he was disobedient. What if his big brother became angry at him?

Smiling sillily, Midnight started eating his food while his big brother accompanied him.

While munching on the bread in his hand, he turned to his big brother and asked what had been plaguing his mind since the first time his father had told him. "Big brother, where is mama?"

Midnight saw how his big brother stilled, and he felt something inside him sinking.

"Big brother? Where is mama?" He asked again.

Knight took a deep breath first and then hugged his little brother as he delivered the heartbreaking news. "Mama is gone, but she's in a better place now."

Knight expected his little brother to cry and begged for their mother to come back, but to his surprised, Midnight didn't. he just stilled, slightly in dazed for a couple of seconds, then he went back to eating as if nothing happened.

"Midnight..."

Midnight smiled at his big brother and said, "at least mama is in a better place now. She didn't keep her promise, but as long as she's in a better place, Midnight is okay. I will be very obedient."

Knight tightened his hug on his little brother as his eyes watered. He was relieved and sad at the same time.

Relieved that he had a strong little brother, but sad because they would never see their mother again. In this cold, merciless house, only their mother was they light. Now that she was gone, they had to work together to be each other's light.

Pulling himself together, Knight let go of his brother while showing a smile on his lips. He didn't want to burden his little brother with anything. It was his to carry as the big brother. And he promised his mother he would take really good care of Midnight.

Staring at his brother, who resembled a hamster while eating, his smile widened as he patted his little brother's head dotingly.

Don't worry, mama... I will protect my little brother. I will do anything in my power to keep him safe and live a good life.

Unbeknownst to Knight, his solemn vow would be shattered and Midnight's soul, that already has countless scars, would receive another wound. And that wound accompanied by his own sins and guilt would fester until all Midnight could think about was... is this life worth living for?

CECELIB | C.C.