Levi's P.O.V

Have you ever thought someone was one way but the exact opposite? Have you ever built up such strong exterior but felt so weak and fragile on the inside? Well this basically sums me about up. I am known to everyone that I work with as thew 'tough one' but for some odd reason I can't live up to the standers that I've already set for myself.

I act so... Strong... So independent, but feel so weak to the point I am so insecure I have to make myself... More than it really has to be... But if I were to loosen up I would let people in, trust them, love again, but that just would lead to another heartbreak. After another... I can remember when I built this wall...

*flashback*

"

You dirty son of a bitch!" My dad screamed to my 7 month pregnant mother. I just sat back and watched in horror as he slowly beat her to death. "Stop!! Please your scaring our son!" He scoffed. "He's 12 he's old enough to experience a taste of life. What are you going to do when he sees a titan? Huh? Are you going to shield his innocence from everything forever? He's got to grow up and get a grip Alineya. He can't stay a child forever."

With one last pinch to the stomach he manages to kill my mother and my unborn sister at the same time. "Get in your bed. Now." In complete fear I drum up to my bed AMD try to make as little noise as possible. But sadly, he ends up coming into my room anyways. I try to pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't beat me senseless, but no. He craved something far worse than killing me. I could smell alcohol from a mile away. "You've been a bad boy..." He slurred. My innocent 12 year old mind didn't comprehend what he meant so idiotically I said, "B-but i-i went t-to bed... Just l-liked you s-said t-to.." Ignoring me he rain his disgusting hands all over my body. He touched every part, not wanting to miss a thing. Hurting me until he was finished, then leaving me for tomorrow.

This played out the same for the next year and each time he would touch me, and have his 'way' with me I would just think to myself, 'don't do anything, let it happen. Don't fight back.' And each time I would be reminded of how much of a dirty boy I was.

It all ended when I simply just couldn't keep letting him- no, myself do this. I didn't have an elaborate plan, and it wasn't set out or premeditated. I hadn't planed this for months, weeks, or even a day it was like I just had this think inside me snap. My father was passed out on the floor with a beer in hand, like always. So I simply just walked into the kitchen, took a knife. Rolled my father over and showed him what a 'bad boy' I was. And I stabbed, and stabbed and stabbed. I kept on shoving the knife in and out like what he would do to me. And I screamed and stabbed him until I felt satisfied. 117 stab wounds. He died at 3. But for some reason I just felt like it wasn't enough.  After that I ran off and became a big time in the underground black market.

That was, until I joined the survey corps.

*END*

here would be days where I would still feel dirty. I would sit and scrub my hands for hours until they would go red and bleed. But I couldn't stop. And all I knew myself as was a dirty little boy and I couldn't clean that.

I'd always been depressed on the inside without actually having to show it. I started a habit of cutting, and I had no idea other people did it to, but I just cut as suicide, not just to break the skin but I can never cut as deep as I want. I can never bring myself to do it. But they are so deep they leave dark jagged scars.

But everything changed when I met this certain boy,a little younger that me by like 3 or 4 years, at first I hated him, but then, after I saved his life after Mikasa almost got all our asses killed, trying to save him herself while we were hunting the female Titan, I was mad and I felt jealous. Jealous because I wanted him for myself.

But everything changed when he started to have liking for Mikasa,  or at least how itlooks. And the sad part is I want him. I want him so bad. I want to hold him close... No... I just want someone at all to hold close. Its been pretty obvious I have dropped in mood more than usual and that's all anyone will talk about.

But I just want to speak with Jäger, I want him to accept my feelings. But how would I even do that? I call him into my office and he is absolutely scared shitless, he is sweaty, and nervous, like shit what does he think I'm going to do? Bite him? (Burn him like Ceil's dead parents? Oops sorry, wrong anime...) "I'm not going to hurt you Jäger calm down." I say rolling my eyes. "O-oh! Um, sorry corporal!" But right as I'm about to say what I have been wanting to say for the longest my words clog in my mouth and I find myself unable to speak anything. "I have called you here be-be-be-cause... U-um... I-I..." 'What the hell? Why isn't anything coming out?' I think. "Um, I-I-" 'what the fuck did I just voice crack?!' "Are you alright corporal Levi? I've never seen you at a loss of words before..." Eren trails off starring at me like he's never heard himself stutter before.

"I... I just..." I cover my head in my hands embarrassed from my lack of speech. "Are you alright?" Eren asked concerned. "I-I'm fine..." "No your no, your crying." He pointed. Out a tear that must of escaped my eye without me noticing. "You know what?" I say way to embarrassed for my own good. "This was bad idea you may be dismissed." I said waiting for the slam of a door but instead I hear his caring voice disagree. "No, I want to help..." He says softly touching my shoulder. "You can't help me. Just go. That's an order." I say realising I was in full break down, sobbing. "Corpr- Levi, as a friend, not a coworker, I want to help. And I know I can."I just shook my head, still sobbing into my hands making my embarrassment worsen built just couldn't stop crying.

"Just go away!" I yell getting up to leave, but get stopped by Eren hugging me out of no where. I stiffened but started to rest in his arms. But then he feels for something making me the scared one.

My cuts.