Ira

A black hole and the entire universe, two infinities battling each other inside me: that is what falling into the void felt like. There was no reason or logic or thought, just nothing clashing with everything. The absolute emptiness clung to me. A clawing sickness that froze my bones, I could feel it trying to take everything I had, to pull me back into the void. But there was too much of me, too much of everything, to ever consume it all.

Then it was gone, and I was trapped.

I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was see the dangerous wild thing watching through Uriel's eyes.

Even when he released me, I was too shaken to think properly. And when he'd brought Nina out of the kitchen it only added guilt to the churning emotions swarming inside. So, I did as he told me and let him take us through the door.

There was a dizzying rush, then we were standing at the edge of a forest within a tight but perfect circle of trees.

I stumbled and fell, a root digging into my palm as I crashed to my knee while Uri landed easily and started walking without a pause. Still disorientated from the rush of being dissembled I struggled to stand, stumbling after him, but his head whipped around, and he snarled at me. I jerked back in surprise, but he was already marching off, slipping between two trees, toward the house visible through the branches of several massive pines.

After a split second of indecision, I started forward to follow him again.

only to slam into an invisible wall.

Shocked I banged my hands against the unseen barrier, panic making my heart race as Uriel disappeared with Nina up the porch steps and into the house. I searched frantically for an edge- Uriel had walked past so surely there was a way through- but it covered the entire space from one trunk to the next. Desperate I moved to the next gap between trees, hoping I was mistaken in which opening he'd gone through. But that one was just as impenetrable. And the next. I ran around the entire circle, checking every single one everything in my body focused on one thing: getting out.

But I was stuck inside the circle.

Trapped.

Feeling the world closing in around me, my breath coming in short pants, I pressed both hands against my unseen prison. shaking with the need to be free, my guts crawling up my throat as I remembered the airless, invisible coffin he'd put me in.

I let myself fall to the ground.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move.

And cold, I was so cold.

I don't know how long I sat there broken, lost, gasping for air that just wouldn't come, the world around me barely registering until I heard the snap of a branch and movement pulled my attention to the edge of the clearing just outside the circle and framed by the house and forest.

A woman stepped from the underbrush as graceful as deer and paused when she caught sight of me.

It had been impossible to know what time of day it was in the bunker but here a mid-day sun cast heavy shadows beneath the thick foliage of the trees and framed her in a halo of light. Golden blond hair pulled back into a tight ponytail and ruff-worn clothes fit close to her body, she looked like some sort of Amazonian warrior fresh from the pages of a book.

Soft grey eyes sat above high cheekbones and a narrow nose in a picture of gentle aristocracy so at odds with the rest of her appearance I almost wondered if I was dreaming again. Cold and impassive, she was an unreadable stone wall and as beautiful as a statue carved by an artist's hand. She was by no means "skinny"; the solid girth of her shoulders and thighs balanced out her impressive height, but neither was she overly large. A sleeveless shirt showed off corded muscles and a gold band with some sort of engraving on the surface, but she was too far away for me to see details. She carried far more bulk than any woman I'd ever seen, but she carried it well, along with the massive buck slung over one shoulder, its belly gaping open, and feet tied together, and the bow across her other.

She drew closer, scanning my face and body as if trying to determine if I was friend or foe, and I took the chance to search her aura. Hers was made of solid bold colors, steadfast and well tested, but none of the shadows or darkness tainted its edges. so, hardly daring to hope she might be the former, I stood on unsteady feet, but she stopped a few feet out of reach and my spark of hope fizzled out. She knew I couldn't cross whatever lines had been drawn to keep me in here.

Still, I couldn't help pleading. "Help me, please."

Her gaze drooped from me to the twisted roots knotted together to form the base of the circle and frowned. She took a step closer but stopped when the door to the house creaked open and Uriel appeared, another man following behind him.

"Don't."

Though he did not shout, Uriel's voice carried clearly across the clearing.

That expressionless mask dropped as her eyes widened in surprise. Shock and pain chased across her face, but it was her own hope that felt like a punch in the gut when she finally turned away to see him.

Uri" she breathed, letting her catch slide to the ground.

She took a tentative step toward him. Then she was rushing forward, her long legs quickly eating up the space between them. But before she could embrace Uriel he took a small step back, making her stall to a stop just in front of him. She searched his face for an answer to some unspoken question and he gave her a small shack of his head. She bowed her own for a moment in understanding before lifting her chin and giving him a jerky nod of acceptance.

She's at least a good inch or two taller than him, yet somehow Uri seemed to dwarf her at that moment. Everything from the way she stood to the tension in her shoulders said she wanted to reach out to him, but she kept her distance. The man who had followed Uriel outside came up beside her and briefly rested a hand on her arm before descending the steps into the yard and starting to make his way over to me, leaving the two to talk. They were too quiet for me to hear them, but I could see the conflict that played out in Uriel's eyes.

"I am Ajak." The man said in greeting, pulling my attention from Uriel. His voice was a soft southern burr that reminded me of Mrs. Stevens's comforting lilt. "Do have a name you are called by?"

As the women had before, he stopped a little way away from the thing that held me trapped inside and I studied him with weary regard.

Where Uriel was wild this man was calm civility.

Like the women, he looked like a piece of art, his dark skin decorated with silver and gold that shone even in the shadows of the trees above us. Rings lined the lobes of both ears and circled several of his fingers, while a heavy loop hung above wide full lips. His dark hair had been matted into heavy dreads that fell well past his waist but was pleated close to his scalp to showcase at least a dozen more with an intricate weaving. A leather cord around his neck held its own collection, even his wrists and a few fingers were encircled.

All in perfect symmetry.

The only deviation was a long bar across one ear with a dangling chain that looped around to the back and the oddity seemed strangely absurd among this man's perfect beauty. His loose shirt and simple trousers looked like replicas of another century, but long lashes framed wide eyes, and his face, though long, had a soft roundness to it.

I'd read stories about fairies who stole your soul or could compel you to do their will if you were fool enough to give them your name and I wasn't sure if I could trust this person. Sure, they might just be entertaining tales but supposedly so were the mage. Who was to say this pretty man wasn't some creature looking to trap me in its own web?

Nervously I glanced past him to where Uriel and the women had been only to find she was gone, and he was stalking toward us. the dark expression look he focused on me had me shrinking back and my panic returned full force. He looked like a man who wanted to make me hurt, the fury on his face making me shake with dread because the pain was a promise in those eyes.

Graces, was Nina dead?

"it's all right," Ajak said, crouching so we were face to face and drawing my attention back to him, his warm brown eyes capturing mine. "I won't let him hurt you."

I could hear the truth in his words but didn't matter, not when he was coming closer.

"I can't stay in here." I gasped.

"Alright but you have to calm down first."

"How?" the air was growing thin again.

"First tell me your name." He said calmly as Uriel stopped just a few feet away to listen.

Graces be damned, I didn't care if he stole my soul I had to get out

"Ira" I panted watching Uriel kneel, those deadly hands collecting the forgotten deer.

"Alright Ira, I need you to breath for me"

I tried but it was hard when he was so close. He was too calm. And why was he ignoring us? I'd seen the hate he had for me. why didn't he just kill me? why had he trapped me in here?

"Please let me out." I nearly sobbed the plea.

"I can't do that." I started hyperventilating when Uriel stood hauling the animal up without any difficulty, but Ajak crept closer hands out in a mollifying gesture. "you're the one who has to defuse the spell."

Uriel watched me for a moment, his face unreadable, before turning to head back across the yard. It did little to calm my racing heart.

"The spell?" I asked, finally focusing on Ajak.

Curiosity pinched at his brow, but he nodded.

"Yes, the earth has been spelled to contain anything inside it. This circle was cast to feed off your lack of control. The only way out is to stop giving it what it wants. You must contain your power for it to let you go"

Nothing he was saying made sense.

"How?"

"Call yourself back your body."

"I can't" there was too much and too many broken pieces.

"Yes, you can, it's as natural as breathing." He encouraged softly. "Just focus your thoughts inward"

Easier said than done.

Inside was a broken mess of foreign memories and shattered pieces. Nightmares and dreams blended in a hazy fog. Lives lived by someone else indistinguishable from my own.

I was the girl with a wild aching heart running through the forest.

I was the mother cradling her dead children as armies marched past.

I was the daughter poisoning her feeble parents.

I was the grandmother full of bitter lies and hate.

I was the babe starving in its mother's womb.

I was-

"Ira."

I sobbed at the sound of my name and Ajak leaned in, stopping just inches from where I pressed against my prison, his concern etched with worry.

"Remember who you are." He told me thumping over his heart, making his bracelets jangling with the movement. I am Ira, I reminded myself. "Remember who you wish to be" He continued tapping two fingers to his forehead. I am Ira. "Let them meet at your center." He said dropping his hand to lay it flat across his stomach. "And breath."

He sucked in a bellyful of air, and I copied the action.

For several long minutes, I focused only on the cadence of his steady in and out, trying my best to match it with my own. Then, with a slight shimmer, I fell through. Ajak caught me and I braced for the death that would follow but none came.

Taking my hand he stood, pulling me up with him.

"well-done dear." I blinked at him waiting for the next nightmare to hit but a chilly breeze blew past us, making me shiver. "Come, let's go inside. It's late and Shayla will have dinner ready."

Glancing around I noticed the sun was indeed starting to fall and I shuddered at the loss of time. It had just been mid-day, how long had we been out here?

"There are blankets and tea to warm you up," He offered, prodding me forward with a hand on my back. As we crossed the yard, I took in the massive house that had its back to us and the forest.

The three-story structure had a log cabin-style exterior but was far from quaint. While the main building sat flush to the back yard two wings were set further back on each side and extended toward what I could only assume was the front of the building. The base-level had a wide wraparound porch that ran from the garden nestled in the corner of one wing to the greenhouse built behind the other. While a row of large windows, framed by faded white trim, lined nearly the entire length of the building on the second floor, the top was ringed with several small balconies. The whole thing looked strange but also beautiful.

A swing and chairs gave the porch a comfortable feel and several small flowerpots were strung up across the overhang. The flowers of spring gave it a much homier feel than it would have otherwise and even through the hazy glass of the greenhouse, I could see a muted rainbow of color. I counted at least four different entrances that lead inside, including the main French doors that stood directly across from the small steps leading down to the yard, plus another to the greenhouse. As if the outdoor space was more the heart of the home than any living room. There was even a raised fire pit centered in the part of the pouch that was left uncovered with a grate for grilling over it.

Absently I wondered who else lived here besides Ajak and the huntress.

And what their connection was to Uriel.

As if my thoughts had summoned him, the mage appeared.

He met us at the door, standing just outside the frame and blocking the way in. Ajak was a solid presence at my back, but I halted in front of Uriel terrified of what he might do. For a long moment, he stared down at me, his look of utter disdain making me feel like a bug he wanted to crush beneath his boot. Then his eyes slid to Ajak whose presence was a steady comfort behind me.

To my surprise, there was just as much hate in his eyes for the older man and I again wondered what their connection was.

"If you hurt anyone in this house," Uriel spoke softly and even though it was me he looked at me as he delivered his warning, I got the feeling I wasn't the only one he was talking to. "I will kill you."

Then he stepped aside, leading us through what looked like a dining room fit for a king into a kitchen that would have made Mindy weep with joy. Though large enough to cook for an army it had been designed with comfort in mind. An industrial-sized stove and oven along one wall matched the two massive sinks along with another but the large island counter was set up as a breakfast bar on one side with several tall chairs tucked underneath. All of it looked old but well maintained, the metal polished to a shine, and everything tucked neatly away.

Everything saved a few small pans, a chopping board, and four plates set out in preparation for a meal.

The woman from before was standing over a sizzling pan of meat when we walked in, and the rich aroma of spices had my mouth watering. Had it really been a whole day since the last dinner I sat down for?

The question brought Nina to mind and with a spike of fear I realized the little girl was nowhere to be seen. Guilt coiled in my gut.

"Nina is she..." I stopped, not daring to voice the possibility.

"Resting." It was Ajak who answered, and Uriel bristled at his response.

"But she's alright?" I asked, needing to be sure.

"She will be." Ajak's assurance was quick as he approached the woman, placing a hand low on her back, making her turn to look at us. She eyed me as she had before, impassive but not quite hostile.

"Ira, this is Shayla" Ajak introduced. "My wife."

I studied them with interest. I'd never thought of the mage as people with family or spouses. They'd always been sure they were just the monstrous delusions of my fractured mind but while these two were no doubt mage they looked completely human. Standing stoically beside Ajak, Shayla towered over her husband, her pale coloring a striking contrast to his darker tones but perfectly normal. He was entirely at ease next to her and though she didn't seem inclined to return his affectionate touch, their auras entwined in a delicate dance of light. Just like with Autumn and JD, they seemed to merge into one this close together.

She gave me a curt nod but went back to her pan, flipping over the meat inside to sear the other side, and Ajak gestured for me to take a seat. Quietly I acquiesced, unsure of where I stood with them. Or Uriel for that matter. He hovered by the door, watching us all with a disturbing intensity.

I felt anxious just sitting there like a sheep sounded by wolves, but I was determined not to be the one who broke the silence this time. It didn't help that all of them seemed to have no problem with the lack of conversation. So, the only sound to break the silence was the clink of Ajak's bracelets as he helped Shayla finish preparing the food.

Pulling out a large ceramic pot from the oven, he carefully lifted the lid, letting a fragrant cloud of steam drift through the kitchen. Finding a large spoon, he scooped a serving of seasoned rice onto each plate before returning the lid, while Shayla cut the meat into thick slices. When she was done, she slid the first plat to me before taking the second and Ajak settled across from me to dig into the third. I noticed with some curiosity that neither offered the last to Uriel nor did he try to claim it.

"Uri tells me you have a gift."

I paused fork halfway to my mouth, to look at Ajak, but he continued his meal as if he hadn't just brought up a secret, I'd hidden for the last two years.

"I wouldn't call it that." my voice was still hoarse from Uriel's attack, and I swallowed to ease it.

"Then what would you call it?"

"A curse."

"And why is that?"

I glanced at Uriel, wondering how much he knew and what he had told Ajak.

"He didn't tell you yet?" the question came out bitter, but Ajak didn't seem to take offense.

His wife on the other hand was not so placid. "Watch your tongue girl, don't forget you are a guest in this home."

Home.

The word made my chest ache.

"Uri is many things," Ajak interceded. "But informative is not normally one of them. And in any case, I wish to hear it from you. It is your gift: how you see the thing is what's important."

"Why?"

"Because it is unpracticed." He explained "Mage must learn to control their abilities, or they become dangerous to themselves as well as others as you've already seen. But to do that we must start with understanding where you are now."

I wavered, unsure if I should tell them. "You can help me get rid of them?"

Something sad flicked in his eyes. "I cannot promise that: our gifts are too much a part of us, but I can try if you let me."

Complete honesty: I saw it in his eyes and the warmth softly infusing his aura.

Letting out a breath and returned his truth with one of my own. "I see things I shouldn't."

"What sort of things?" he coaxed gently, encouraging but not pushing.

"Death mostly. Sometimes it's the nightmares people have to live through. Those are harder to for-" I stopped. My hands were trembling, and I stared at them as I told Ajak. "Those are when I see them die inside. When they break." I blinked away tears and tried to suck in a breath. "But was just in the dreams. When I'm awake I see monsters."

"You mean the mage?" Ajak asked.

"I don't know. I thought they were, but they don't look like... like you." I explained. "At least not all the time, sometimes I think I see a normal person out of the corner of my eye but when I really look at them, they're all...twisted."

"You see their mutations? Even with a glamor?"

"Glamor?" Uriel had mentioned them before but unlike him, Ajak answered my question.

"Glamours are constructs made to convince the mind it sees what you expect to see. The New mage uses them to hide their mutations because even when you know it's there, you can't see what's underneath unless you already know what they truly look like."

"But I can."

"Apparently." Ajak frowned at me as if trying to figure out a puzzle.

"Do... do you have one on now?"

"No" his frown turned into a rye quirk of the lips "An advantage of the old ways: I have no need to lie about what I am and have only ever worn my own skin."

"But you're a mage, aren't you?"

"Yes. But not as you know them. We" he gestured to his wife and himself. "And those like us subscribe to an ancient way of Margery that allows us to work alongside mother earth and does not twist our power. The mutations you've seen are the results of the forced corruption of new mage practice."

"that's why they look the way they do?" he nodded. "Is that why I... why my eyes are different."

"Yes."

I squeezed my hand together trying to stop their shaking.

"But I'm not... I've never..." I stumbled over an explanation "I'm not old enough to be one of you."

"Despite what we've managed to convince the general populace, Mage are made every day." He gave a slight shrug "Most die just as often but bindings help enough through the initial burnout."

"I don't understand. The awakening was almost a century ago, how can they be made now?"

"Skyglass."

I went cold at his simple answer.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Masters hand it out to muutes because it's powerful enough to give them their own private awakening. The burnout will kill them because their souls simply are not able to contain anything more than themselves, so masters bind them to keep them alive."

"Are they the ones I see?"

He shook his head "I don't know. I suppose it's possible. If your master didn't take the time to teach you any of this, I wouldn't be surprised if they're not bothering to keep their vassals separate in his mind."

"Is there a way for me to undo a binding?"

This time he grimaced. "No. A binding is given willingly by the vassal to their master so only they can release them from it."

"But I didn't give anything to anyone."

"As far as you're aware. Like Glamours, most of a mage's power comes from being able to convince someone to do something without them knowing it. you may not have been yourself when you agreed to one. May I?" he asked holding out a hand.

Glancing at Uriel I let him take my arm and observe it. Running two fingers from the crook of my elbow to the inside of my wrist he traces the veins, murmuring softly under his breath. A crackle of electricity zipped through me, and I jumped at the unexpected shock.

Uriel and Shayla tensed but Ajak only hummed an inquisitive sound.

"She has no binding marks." He told them with something akin to awe.

"Is that not normal?" I asked. "What is a binding mark?"

"It's a scar of sorts left on your body when someone else's power interrupts your own. Typically, they emerge here" he drew a wide circled on my wrist. "Some say because it is with our hands that we give and take but sometimes they show up here." He taped the just behind his ear, his bracelets jangling like little bells. "But that is only when the bond is deeper than just a binding. And considering Uri is the only mage I've ever known who could hold a bond without one, I would say so."

"How is that possible?" Uriel asked.

"I don't know. I've always thought your-" Ajak paused glancing at Uriel, then me "Your condition kept them from lingering on you, but this is something different." He tapped my palm thoughtfully. "I'll have to do some research."

"What does it mean if I don't have on?" I asked nervously touching my own ear.

"It means either Uri is right, or someone very powerful doesn't want anyone to know you are theirs," Shayla answered ominously.

Theirs.

As if they owned me.

My stomach twisted and what little I'd eaten threatened to make a reappearance. "Right about what?"

"You being a born mage not made," Ajak said, releasing my arm and leaning back to give me a considerate look.

"I don't know what that means."

"It means you are from an Ancient lineage."

"So?" Confused, I glanced at Shayla to see if he made sense to anyone else "isn't everyone?"

Ajak shook his head. "Not old ancient, I mean ancient races. They were the firsts and the ones who taught humanity the old ways. They haven't been around for a long time but some of their descendants have been known to inherit their nature." He frowned at me then, rubbing his knuckles across his jaw in a thoughtful gesture. "I would almost agree with Uri, but you have the feel of a made mage, I don't even need his senses to know you have Skyglass in your blood. Those eyes are a dead giveaway." suddenly self-conscious I looked down to hide them, but he went on in a puzzled tone "And yet... When would you say you started seeing the mage and having the dreams?"

"Almost two years ago."

"But how long after you had Skyglass?"

I shook my head "The dreams came first."

Ajak sent an inquisitive look toward Uriel.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the only time I ever took some was a few months ago at an Awaking party." Shifting uncomfortably, I told them "The dreams were why I took it. I just... I just want them to go away... To forget. But it only made it worse."

"Because Skyglass only corrupts." Ajak winced at the bitter venom in Uriel's voice.

"he's right, unfortunately," the older mage sighed "Before your gifts were simply uncontrolled. The Skyglass overrides your instincts so any natural barriers you had in place would have been broken making your gifts even less manageable. The good news is I can teach you how to rebuild them."

I let out a disbelieving huff. "I don't think there's any way to fix me."

"Not fix- teach" It was Shayla who spoke this time. "And if he could teach that one" she nodded to Uriel "then he can teach you. All you need is some discipline."

"And some rest" Ajak added, standing with his dishes "It's been a long day for everyone, why don't we start in the morning."

The bottom of my stomach dropped out.

I didn't want to rest.

Just the thought of closing my eyes had me wanting to run. To hide. Anything to not be wherever the dreams would take me. Images began to flutter to life at the back of my mind as if awakened by the thread of panic winding its way through my guts. I shoved them away, but they pushed back, determined to show me...

No. don't focus on it. Remember who you are.

I am Ira. I told myself.

Letting out a shaky breath I asked with as much flippancy as I could manage "Can you make me sleep without dreaming? 'Cuz that's the only way I'll ever get some real rest."

"Actually," Ajak gave me a grim smile "I can."