Ira

His blood pooling. Poison in his soul. The blade in his chest. His bright green eyes glazed death. Sorrow, so much sorrow and regret.

I could have saved him.

"I love you."

Why didn't I save him?

With the school year coming to a close and summer approaching, everyone was excited. Things were changing and soon most of us would decide what to do for the next ten years of our lives. Collage applications were sent, apprenticeships secured, internships in place, and days of doing absolutely nothing at all planned.

The only thing left to do was graduate.

Since the ball was set to take place right after the commencement ceremony, we'd all decided to gather at the Hansen's to get ready since they were the closest to the school. By the time all us girls had our makeup on and our hair done, the boys had been ready for hours. And when we finally paraded down the stairs, Emma all elegance with her hair done up high, me in my old-style gown and Autumn following us like a punk princess ready to take over the world, we looked like a scene from the movies.

I might have held on a little tighter to the railing than the others, but I made it down to the bottom without the dizziness that came with so many sensations.

For two days I'd lived with the scents, sounds, and doom looming before me. Just until tomorrow, I told myself knowing full well this was it; whatever safety or protection I'd had was gone now. I hadn't told Emma, because no way in hell was I ruining today for her, but the weight of it sat like stones on my shoulders. The constant stress of it almost made me wish for sleep but I didn't know which was worse; the nightmares or this new overwhelming reality.

"Hot damn." River whistled sending an echo rattling through my head but the stupid grin on his face sent a strange flutter through me. Nervously I rubbed the clear perfect skin of my wrist where there should have been burns, but I'd woken to find they, along with my cut, had disappeared yesterday morning

yet another reminder of everything wrong with this moment.

To say River cleaned up nice would be an understatement. He had on a black tux almost identical to Wes and JD's, but he filled out his much better and his hair had been pushed back out of his face leaving nothing to distract from those warm hazelnut eyes.

He looked like the perfect gentleman and a heartbreak ready to happen.

He hurt to look at, so I stopped and almost wished I hadn't. Wes was gazing at Emma with that same look of love and adoration he always wore. And JD: it was like he'd seen the sunrise for the first time in Autumn and he drank her in as if he would never see it again as she marched right up to him, grabbed his chin, and planted a hot kiss on his stunned face.

For a second, I was almost jealous of her possessive confidence.

The thigh-high leather boots she wore gave her several inches on him and she'd arranged her hair into spiky buns, a pair of oriental hairpins with flowers the same purple as her lipstick holding it in place. Standing like a worrier dressed for a battle none of us really understood, she was the complete opposite of JD in his formal attire and sensible wire-rimmed glasses. But when she pulled back the link between them glowed as bright as a sun, their connection something deeper than I could understand that left me breathless with the beauty of it.

Still dazed JD didn't even look embarrassed, he just grinned like the fool, until River bumped his with his shoulder and not so subtly scratched at the corner of his mouth. He gave JD a pointed look, making him quickly wipe at the dark stain still smeared across his bottom lip.

"Oh, you guys are all so cute" Mis Hansen appeared with phone in hand "Let me get some pictures before you take off."

The impromptu photo shoot took another thirty minutes before Mrs. Hansen was satisfied and Mr. Hansen had taken a few of his own. Then he was rushing us out the door. "You don't want to be late for your own graduation," he said shooing us toward the cars. None of us protested because he was right; if we didn't hurry up, we'd be late

We made it just in time to join the rest of our fellow students in the precession march out to the track field and the rows of chairs set out for us, while we threw on our caps and gowns. An impatient excitement filled the air as speeches were given, advice administered and thanks distributed, but my rattled nerves left me feeling queasy. And as principal Wagner droned on and on about the next "big adventure" we would soon be taking, the sensation grew worse. By the time they started handing out the diplomas, I had a headache, and everyone was glowing, the rainbow of their emotions so bright it hurt.

And he was watching.

Well maybe not him, but someone.

After he'd left the night before I'd felt their eyes on me. Even on the drive over I was sure we were being followed. A malicious presence lurked behind each corner; its dark intent was like a cloud of smoke closing in and could feel their eyes on me.

"Ashton, I give you your graduating class of 2020!" Principal Wagner announced with a flamboyant toss of her hand, sending the crowd roaring in excitement as I stared down at the rolled-up paper in my hand.

I didn't even remember walking up to get it.

People were hugging and cheering and clapping each other on the back in congratulations, but I stood still amid the seething throng. The happy faces around me were so jubilant. So full of youth and hope and pride. For years I'd worked alongside them for this and we'd finally accomplished it. But I was an outsider here and this moment didn't feel like it belonged to me.

Something was very wrong.

"Can you believe it?" Emma appeared, flushed with excitement and grinning with pride. "we're finally done!" she laughed "I almost thought that nightmare would never end."

As someone who had an out-of-body experience on a daily basis and was currently experiencing another, I wasn't sure how to respond to that, but I didn't have to because then River and the others were there and everyone was chattering excitedly.

Then it happened.

First was Emma's accident. Then it was River in the hospital and JD in his sleep. Wes; would go last fighting the disease in his liver to his very last breath but first would be Autumn and the baby.

My friends were going to die.

They would never really know the girl they took for these last few years, but I would know them. All their joys and sorrows. Every moment that made them who they were and who they would become laid out before me, each one woven together like the most beautiful tapestry.

"Don't get weepy on us now" River nudged my shoulder with his own "if you start, Emma'll be a mess before you know it and be yelling at me like it's my fault."

I stared up at him through watery eyes and knew; he would never be mine.

But he wanted to and I was almost sad for him.

"Well, it certainly not my fault I'm a sympathetic crier." Emma sniffed carefully dabbing at her own eyes.

She would look so beautiful in her wedding dress.

Suddenly I was sorry. Sorry for the distance I'd left between us. For all the things I could never explain, for not being a better friend. Giving in to the urge to hug her I blinked through the pain shattering my bones and held her tight.

"Thanks for everything Emma," I said into her ear but silently told her Goodbye.

Next few hours were hell I endured because I knew this would be the last time I would ever have this; normal, or as close as I could get to it.

After more pictures and endless smiles, we were swept away by the crowd and carried to the gym, where the walls and rafters had been decorated for the graduation ball. Remnant flowers were artfully arranged all around. They might as well have used weeds but Ashton was a Remnant city and it was tradition. So, glass daises and nickel calla lilies crowned long trails of tinny wisteria spilling from the doorway arches and at the tables; every other seat was set with a miniature bouquet matching the ones decorating the room, each perfectly crafted in hand-sized vases for girls to take home as a memento of this night.

It felt like walking into a fairy tale.

Too bad I couldn't enjoy it.

Watching the others dance and chat with friends, I held my sides as I tried desperately not to be sick all over the pretty dresses pressing in on all sides. There were too many people and not enough space. Bodies pressed in close around me and the constant accidental brushes had my head spinning.

Why the hell had I agreed to come to the forsaken ball? I wondered again as another death clouded my vision.

Breast cancer. The malignant tumor spreading through their veins.

I was such an idiot for coming here. I should have gone home. I should have begged off and left River on his own. I could have slipped away and no one would notice until tomorrow. Instead, I'd followed him into a room full of people who would die one way or another, and now I was paying the price.

Something is wrong with me.

A construction accident bumped into me on their way to join some friends and I had to suck in a deep breath to keep from screaming at the pain it sent splitting down my spine. I didn't know what the hell had he done to me but I cursed whatever forces had sent him to the dinner yesterday. Somehow, he had changed it. Whatever "it" was, this was different from just seeing the deaths and it wasn't like the dreams with the knowing to protect my senses. This was feeling, living, each death as if it was my own

I needed to get out of here before I went insane and I might have made a run for it if not for the attendees still pouring in and the crowd blocking any other exits.

"Wanna Dance?" River had to yell to be heard over the music and buzz of too many conversations stuffed into one room.

I peeled my eyes open to squint up at him and grimaced at just the thought of taking his hand. Shaking my head in refusal a shrank into myself to avoid another incoming collision only to be jostled from behind.

A heart attack squeezed my chest in its painful vise, leaving me breathless for several moments and the lights hurt my eyes so I let them slide back closed.

"oh, come on, what kind of date would I be if I don't dance with you at least once." he hollered and elbowed the guy trying to get past in the ribs to make him back off.

I shook my head again but quickly stopped when it made my gut roll.

"Hey, you gonna be, okay?"

No, I was going to be sick.

"I'm fine, just tired." I rasp out, my throat still sore from the strangling that bumped into me on my way inside.

"Duuuude, you look like you're about to upchuck all over the fuckin place." At this rate, I probably would. Strong fingers gripped my chin and force me to look up at River, a frown creasing the lines of his mouth. "Shit, Ira. We need to get you out of here."

I pulled out of his grasp and forced my lungs to work despite the spasms squeezing them tight, but he was already reaching for my hand and before I could protest, he was dragging me through the crowd. For every death, I was almost thankful for the cancer sitting like stones in my lungs.

No.

River.

It was in River's lungs, not mine.

Still, I held on to him like an unwanted lover and let the death clinging to his soul settle over my shoulders like a protective cloak as he parted the sea of people around us. Shoulders and elbows jostled but let us through and I focused on breathing around the cancer as the last moments of our classmates battered my mind, each one a grain of salt in an open wound.

The moment we were through the door, I broke free from River and run into the open night. The air has grown so cold it stung my skin, but I breathed it in as deep as I can in short gulping breaths. I barely make it to the grass before my knees give out and I collapse to the ground. River appeared in front of me but I was focused on my dress pooling around me like blood to pay him any mind.

I decided right there that I hated Red.

I hated looking at it. I hated seeing it. I hated wearing it

I hated it.

The emotion was so profound at this moment that I latch on to it because anything was better than the deaths swarming inside my mind. I let it scorch through my insides. Let it burst from my lips in an unending scream of fury and tore at my stupid dress. Gripping the hem, I ripped the seams apart. Then I did it again and again until the beautifully pleated skirt lay in tattered ribbons. Strong hands tried to stop me, but I ignored them, jerking at the ridiculous sleaves until the fabric gave and tangled my arms.

"Ira, STOP!"

River gripped me by the shoulders and shook me.

"DON'T TOUCH ME."

I struck on instinct.

My hand landed on his cheek and sent his face whipping to the side.

His fingers dug in harder, almost painfully, as shadows descended in those beautiful warm eyes. He didn't look at me for a long moment as he struggled to fight the demons of his past. The muscles of his jaw twitched, and I could almost hear his teeth grinding but then he closed his eyes and I saw the moment he won.

Calm settled over him like a blanket smothering the flames, then vary slowly his iron hold let go and held his hands deliberately away from me.

And when he opened his eyes, it was a River I'd never met who looked back at me.

"I'm not going to touch you and I won't stop you. But you are going tell me what the fucking hell just happen and let me help you." the calm tone of his voice broke at the end, but he kept going his words growing hard with resolve. "And if you don't, I won't give a fuck if you hate me for it, I'm going to go inside and I'm going to call someone who will take you somewhere where you don't get a choice because I'm not fucking doing this again.

And just like that, all hate in me turned to shame and guilt.

None of this was his fault but I had hurt him when all he'd done was try to help. And there was so much to say, But I couldn't tell him any of it because these were not his secrets to bear.

"I'm sorry," I told him instead because I was.

"Dam it Ira" He punched a fist into the ground making me flinch. "Let me help you."

I shook my head, tears welling and spilling into my voice. "I can't." His chin dropped And I knew he was remembering his own nightmares the same way I knew he would fight for me if I let him so I whispered, "not here."

"Fine" He stood, seeming to take all the warmth with him, leaving a strange hollowness in its place. "I'm getting the keys, then you're talking."

"Okay," the lie felt like a brand on my tongue.

I don't know how long I sat there in my ruined dress letting the numbing cold seep into my bones after he walked away, but it wasn't long before a prickle of awareness crept up my back. I shuddered at the familiar sense of unseen eyes, instantly recognizing a malicious presence.

They were here.

Standing on shaky legs, I searched the darkness for my follower. I didn't see them right away, but then the shadows around me shifted and three figures stepped into the light.