Ira

Sleep would do little to rejuvenate his wary soul and his wounds still bled. He did not have time to soothe the angry child, but he remembered what it was to be a child whose world was built on broken promises and that was not the world he wanted for her. Pushing himself off his he went to her door and twisted the handle only to find it locked. Such a meager barrier couldn't stop him from entering but this was her home. If she didn't want to let him in, he would not intrude.

"Nina."

The name he had given her was softly spoken but clearly heard on the other side. Its owner did not respond to the call. She had already cried but was still angry and afraid.

She was dying.

She didn't know how long she'd been dying but she could feel it every time her heartbeat inside a chest that was frozen in time. She wanted to tell him but if she did, he would be sad like he was before. She didn't want him to be sad, so she kept her secret and wiped away her tears.

Blood dripping down his arm he retreated to the living room. He sat on the only available place; the low table next to a couch full of books and began sliding his long coat off. Letting the bloody cloth fall to the floor he gingerly pulled his torn shirt over his head. He had not come out unscathed from his battle and the wounds oozed with the same poison that filled his belly.

Retrieving a box from the drawer beneath the table, he flipped the lid open to expose the needle and thread tucked neatly inside. He managed to dig the metal out of his flesh when he heard the soft click of a door opening. Small feet padded close, then little hands were on his shoulder.

"You're supposed to clean it first."

He did not bother responding but let her take the needle. She was quick to finish the gruesome task, her movements smooth and practiced. Once she was done, she cut the thread and placed her hands back over the injury. Light spilled from her fingers as she pushes healing energy into his body.

"Stop," he told her gripping her hand and pulling it away to break the circuit she'd poured too much into. "that's enough."

Drained, the child wavered on her feet and he twisted to pull her smaller frame into his lap. Then gently gripping her arm, he returned her gift of healing with that of his own.

I found River waiting for me in the hall. I was supposed to do thirty minutes with Mr. Therapy and was getting ready to do my time when I noticed him leaning against the wall right outside the counselor's door. It wasn't like I had purposely been trying to avoid him but after yesterday Emma was afraid, he might do something that would set me off again, so she had kept me busy and out of his way.

"Hey"

I eyed River as he stood to attention and rocked back on his heels when I took too long to respond. I'd seen his tattoos before but spring in the northwest was a temperamental affair, so they were normally covered by hoodies and sweaters. I guess he'd decided to take advantage of the day's unusually warm weather because he'd left them bare. Today he wore a loose, obnoxiously orange sleeveless tee with his shit kickers and tight jeans, the letters FUMF written across the front in large scratchy print.

As distracting as the shirt was it did nothing to hide the Japanese letters running from behind his left ear down the side of his neck to trail across his shoulder while an inky snake wrapped around his forearm. On his other side a weeping willow, done unmistakably in his sisters' style, bloomed in full color over his shoulder. The tree's roots warped around the human heart on his arm and twisted all the way down to his wrist. The only ones fully visible were the matching calligraphy spelling out "pain" and "love" on his fingers.

"Hey," I finally returned and noticed he seemed uncharacteristically anxious, a restless energy making him fidget with something in his pocket.

"Look, I just wanted to say I really am sorry about yesterday, and thanks for being cool about shit." He started and stopped just as abruptly.

"Okay..."

"If you had decided to make a fuss the adoption would never go through so." he shrugged "I owe you one."

Right, because no court in their right mind would place kids within the same house as a known offender even if he hadn't done anything and that would have broken everyone's hearts. Those three kids were a part of his family even if it wasn't legal yet.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I assured.

"Yeah, I did. I should know better than anyone not to treat you like that especially not with..." he trailed off, hesitant to have his suspicions confirmed.

It took me a long moment but then I understood. Autumn was suicidal because she thought River's pain was her fault. I'd always thought River was just an attention whore who would do anything to protect his sister. Now I could see there was much more to the charming playboy than just a protective streak and the words inscribed on his skin were more than just decorations. One hand carried what he suffered for on the other. They were a claim to a past I only knew bits and pieces of but like River, I could put the pieces together just fine.

Principal Wagner was right, I didn't go out anywhere unless Emma brought me along. I had nothing in common with the people who called me "friend" and I'd never even tried to get to know them. I might be too scared of my own shadow to see past my feet but unlike him, I wasn't being abused the way he had been.

"Those PH'Ds always think they know everything, but they don't know what it's like." more serious than I'd ever seen him, River sounded bitter. "The one thing they got right; 'ant nobody going to help you if you don't help yourself. I might be shit at listening but if you need someone who understands I'm always around or at least a phone call away."

He pulled out his usual grin, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Um thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

Lips tightened as disappointment flashed but he nodded his understanding.

"Alright then, I'll see you around."

Shoulders slightly hunched against the dark cloud following him started to walk away but I didn't want him feeling guilty about something no one could change. For a second, I was tempted to tell him, to let all the secrets spill out. I even called out to stop him.

"River?"

He turned around a cautious spark of hope in his eyes.

"Yeah?"

But then I remembered; that there was no cure for insanity.

"I'll go. If your offer still stands that is."

A real smile this time.

"Great, maybe Autumn will get off my ass now." He quipped and I felt my own smile tug at my mouth.

Just then the counselor's door swung open letting another student out and revealing a smartly dressed gentleman. He had a rather thin face, his blond hair was speckled with grey, and he was busy jotting something down on a large yellow notepad, so he didn't notice me at first. River waved goodbye as I knocked on the door and the counselor looked up from his writing. He stood, gathering his papers into a file, and gestured for me to enter.

"What can I do for you? Ira isn't it."

"Yeah, principal Wagner said I needed to see you so... here I am."

"Well then have a seat."

I sat in the chair closer to the door as he dug through a cabinet and pulled out a different file, this one with my name printed neatly across the top. Settling back into his own chair he flipped his notepad to a new page and gave me a friendly smile.

"I hear you've been having some trouble connecting with your peers. You wanna tell me what's going on?

I shrugged "not much to tell.'

Setting down his note pad he sighed and leaned back.

"Look, I get it. You don't want to be here, and you don't want my help. But if you want to get out of here, you're going to have to give me something to work with."

I eyed him dubiously and wondered if that little bit worked with all the kids.

"There's nothing to give," I told him "I just don't like being around people."

He sighed again, this time sounding resigned.

"Alright then let's talk about what's happening at home. How's your dad."

How should I know? He left me.

"he's fine." I shrugged "Works a lot."

"That's good, it's why you guys came here isn't it?"

No

"Yeah."

"Was that something you wanted?"

"Not really."

"And why is that?"

I didn't say anything because honestly what was I supposed to say?

Hey, I may or may not be crazy, dad's gone, and mom's dead. Oh yeah and I freaked out on River because I was raped but not really because it was someone else who got raped, I was just along for the ride. But that's all fine because I'm doing great how about you?

Yeah. Right.

"I didn't really ask to get my life taken away."

It was a half-truth, but it was all the honesty I could give him. He must have seen something because his eyes softened with sympathy.

"What do you miss most?" he asked gently making my fingers twitch with the remembered feeling of string and wood.

Playing.

I missed playing

I shoved the thought away before it could take root.

"My friends, I guess."

"Do you keep up with any of them?" he asked jotting something down.

"Not really, I doubt they even remember me."

"Have you thought about contacting any of them, maybe someone you were particularly close to?"

All the time.

"No." The lie caught in my throat, and he must have heard it because he looked up from his notes with interest.

"Why not?"

I shrugged again.

"Well, I think you should give it a try." He suggested, "You might be surprised by what people remember."

"Not likely" I snorted. He raised an eyebrow at that.

"Tell you what, I'll sign this piece of paper that says you're all fine and dandy, but in return I want you to sign up for one of the clubs. It can be whichever one you want and all you have to do is show up once then come back here to tell me how it went."

"Okay." It was an easy out but there was too much of a risk for me to let this shrink into my head, so I took it without compulsion.

"Okay," He nodded, sealing the deal, and dismissing me all at once.

I didn't wait around. There was no point in letting him have any more time than I had to, and his questions were digging up memories I rather keep buried. Unfortunately, old memories were just another thing I couldn't control. Emma would be waiting for me but halfway to the parking lot, I slowed to stop as they came flooding back.

The rooftop of our old apartment building where I had my first kiss with Robert Bowmen from 5th grade. Morning duets for dad. Afternoons listening to mom's music lessons with her woefully inadequate but rich students. Hours spent in the window talking across the alley with the one person in the world I could always count on or yelling at the noisy neighbors who would tell us to shut up.

But that life was gone; just another dream I told myself.

But it doesn't have to be, whispered a voice at the back of my mind.

No that wasn't a thought I could afford to entertain and yet...

I slowed to a stop. Emma would be waiting for me but everyone else was gone for the day. The halls were empty, and with one around there was no one to see, no one to know. before I could think too much about it, I swung my bag around and jerked it open. There was a phone tucked into the pocket specialty stitched into the top so it wouldn't get lost at the bottom. It was still in the same condition it was in when dad handed it to me two years ago and had only one contact saved in it.

"Never go anywhere without this" he'd said without looking at me, "Only use it if you're in danger." If only I'd known, then that our clipped conversation was just a preview of every interaction that would follow.

Flipping open the phone I dialed a number I would never forget.

Hands shaking as I brought the phone to my ear, I held my breath and waited. Phones weren't really my friends these days. In truth they never were, but at least before I could get a decent hour of call time without the wires frying. Now with everything that was going on I wasn't sure it would work.

It rang once, twice...

"Hello?"

Just the sound of her voice had me choking on a sob.

"Bobby?"

There was a long silence and for a second, I was scared the call had dropped.

but then...

"Ira?"

I sobbed in relief and choked out a shaky "Hey, bitch."

"Oh my god, OH MY GOD! You're alive. We found your mom, but you were gone, and oh my god Ira! where have you been? Are you okay? You disappear for two fucking years and you call me out of the blue. We thought they took you and- and" now she was crying. And I was crying. And in typical Bonita fashion, she ranted for a full minute.

"You have no idea how good it is to hear you." I sniffed when she finally paused long enough for me to get a word in.

"When are you coming back?"

"I don't know" That band around my chest squeezed tight and I let my head fall back against the wall "I don't think I can."

"Why not? What's going on? Where are you? Just tell me and I'll talk to mom. We'll come get you.

"No! no no no I'm fine I just- I just... needed someone to talk to."

"Ira, what the hell is going on?

I wish I knew.

Suddenly I had the awful feeling that this was a mistake.

"Ira?"

"I need to go..."

"Wait -"

... I just want you to know I'm fine and I love you."

"Ir-"

I ended the call.