Ira

No. no. NO!

Panic sent adrenaline surging through me and I clawed at anything I could reach as rough hands tore at my clothes. I could feel his hot breath on my face as he panted above me, smelling of old cigarettes and beer. Cool air hit my thighs and I kicked trying to hit where it would hurt most but he jerked me up and slammed me to the ground. Dazed I shoved weakly at the heavy weight on top of me, but he was too big.

No. no. no. no.

Something warm and heavy prodded at my belly.

No. no. no.

Not like this. Oh god please not like this.

I bucked with renewed effort, but he slammed me to the ground again making me feel lightheaded and dizzy. Darkness edged my vision, but I couldn't pass out. I had to stay awake. Had to get him off me. had to fight. Had to-

I screamed.

It hurt, oh god it hurt.

I jerked away and nearly fell out of bed as I frantically tried to free myself from tangled sheets. Terror gripped me like the hands holding me down. Headless of the damage it would do, I tore at them until I was free of the cloth.

I could feel him inside me, and it made me sick.

I had to get him off me.

I ran into the bathroom, tearing at my clothes.

et him Off. Get him Off. Get him off.

Water. Soap.

Off. Off. Off.

I scrubbed furiously at my arms, legs, and stomach.

Get him Off. Get him Off. Get him off. Get him Off. Get him Off. Get him off. Get him Off. Get him Off.

GET. HIM. OFF. ME.

"Ira!"

Emma.

Emma was in front of me. She looked so scared and for a second, I thought the high keening sound tearing through the room was her. Then I felt the pain in my throat.

"I have to get him off me!" I sobbed and the words sounded strange to my ears.

"Oh my god Ira, what's wrong?"

HadtogethimoffHadtogethimoffhadto-

She grabbed at my wrists to pull them away, trying to stop my hectic movements. I fought her, still frantically scrubbing at my skin, needing to be clean. Tears were streaming down my face and the scalding water soaking us both burned. I welcomed the heat hoping it would burn him off. My skin tingled where it was rubbed raw from my efforts and I felt blood trickling down one arm, but it was her words spoken in frightened Spanish that snapped me out of it.

"Stop It, Ira! You're hurting yourself!" she hissed.

I stopped scrubbing and stared at her with wide eyes.

I didn't speak any language besides the one I was born to and yet I understood her with perfect clarity.

"Emma, what's wrong with me?" I choked out, the words feeling foreign on my tongue as sat there, half-dressed, and soaking wet, shaking so hard I didn't think I would ever stop. Instead of answering she pulled me close, and I held on to her as my sobs shook us both, her death flitted between us like a distant memory.

It took several hours for the shaking to stop and when the numbness finally came, it did little to ease my mind. I forced myself to dress after Emma helped me bandage my arm and went to school. Emma wasn't happy about me going but after everything else, I needed something normal, and seeing death was better than reliving a moment that wasn't mine.

Emma was waiting for me when the lunch bell rang as if she knew how badly I needed to get away from the crowded halls and I followed her outside to where the others were. River was just lighting up when we joined them and from the pissed-off look Autumn was giving him; she wasn't happy about it. Emma went straight to Wes and he dropped an arm around her shoulder, but she was doing that thing with her collar she always did when she got too stressed. I could tell from his frown that Wes noticed it too, but he didn't say anything only pulled her in closer making a pang of jealous guilt twist my gut. The two of them had been an item for as long as I'd known them. Two pieces of a whole but I'd become a wedge between, driving them apart, and I hated being the reason another happy ever after crumbled to pieces.

"Hey, check it out." Wes nudged his best friend and jerked his chin at a group of girls hanging around a beautifully pristine Mustang GT. "Looks like Teresa is still interested.

River looked at the girls with interest and blow at a long stream of smoke.

"I sure hope so." He didn't even try hiding his satisfied smirk and took another draw of his cigarette. "Last night was pretty freaking amazing after all."

I glanced over to see the girl in question. She looked like the sort that came from good money and liked to show it. Her hair was too long to have grown out from last month's cut while her designer brand shirt probably showed a lot more cleavage than her parents let her walk out the door with and even from here, I could see her manicured claw nails. When she saw us watching she flipped us off, staring River down like he was a piece of shit on her brand-new shoes.

"Don't think she agrees with you." Autumn snorted and returned the gesture with a sickly-sweet smile. "Might want to work on your hidden skills, emphasis on hidden."

"Na, she's just upset 'cause I didn't text her back. Bitch thinks she owns me now." He muttered the last part, but I didn't miss the bitter note.

"Why would you even try tapping that drama?" Emma asked. "You heard what happened to her last boyfriend."

"Cause she's fucking hot that's why." River grinned, letting out another stream of smoke just as the wind shifted, blowing the nasty stuff into my face instead of away and making my stomach roll.

I stepped away from the noxious cloud and unwittingly closer to River, my shoulder accidentally bumping his arm. He nudged me back playfully and gave me that thousand-watt smile. "What? you wanna get in on the action?"

"What!? No! I-" but River wasn't paying attention anymore.

"Damn. Would you look at that" he said aiming that smile at Teresa now. "I think someone's jealous." And sure enough, the beauty queen was glaring daggers at me.

Uncomfortable with the attention being aimed in my direction I tried to step away, but River slung an arm around my neck and leaned into me before I could escape.

"What do you say, Ira, dearest" River drawled "Should we give her a show?"

Hot breath on my skin. The smell of cigarettes. Rough hands touching.

"Get off me" I snapped, slapping River's arm away and nearly falling over my own feet in my rush and drawing more attention than I would have liked. looking around nervously I caught Teresa and her friends smirking.

"Whoa there, tiger."

River cautiously held up both hands as I edged away from him and glanced at his sister as if to ask what the fuck was that? Emma just looked sick. She was probably silently pleading with me not to make a scene. It was a bit too late for that but at least I could do damage control. Grabbing my stuff, I turned my back on the group and headed back inside. Behind me, I heard someone following as Autumn chewed out her twin.

"What the hell asshole? Could you not be such a fucking slut all the time."

"Jesus, it was just a joke. I didn't know she'd react like that."

Any reply was cut off by the door closing and I wished it didn't feel like I was running away. I made it to my locker just as Emma grabbed my arm. I pulled out of her hold and yanked open my locker refusing to look at her.

"Hey!" she slammed it back closed barely missing my fingers and getting right in my face. "You wanna tell me what hell that was."

"Nothing."

"It's never 'nothing' with you!"

"I said nothing ok! I just didn't want to be touched right now.''

"You shouldn't have come." She shook her head in frustration. "You should have stayed home and-"

"And done what?!" I seethed; a spark of anger flared to life. "Should I have sat around wondering if today is the day some drunk asshole runs you off the road? Or maybe better yet I could've figured out how many more cigarettes it'll take to kill River. Is that what I should do, Emma? Hm? What should I have done when every day I see you guys die and the only time I feel anything is in someone else's nightmare?" I wanted to hold on to my anger, it was so gloriously warm but the numbness in my bones was already draining it away and left my words sounding more like a plea than the impassioned speech I'd meant them to be. "Please, tell me, what I should do?"

"I don't know." She half shrugged in defeat. "But you can't keep acting like nothing's wrong."