Hi, I'm back and I'm so sorry but college is kicking my my nonexistent balls! Thank you for wait a for your support, love you so much!

 I don't know if you like Ellie Goulding but I wrote the chapter with "only you" because is such an amazing song.

 If you don't like the chapter I'm jumping off a clif but I can understand because I don't like it either.

Before reading: Harry told Lucy about his past and this is what happens days after...

***

{HARRY}

I was impatient

My fingers hit the table, my eyes traveling around me and my cell phone rings in my pocket.

From: Emily

Son of a bitch.

I sigh and write a message.

To: Emily

Thank you, and why?

 I leave the phone on the table and I scratch the back of my neck.

"Excuse me, do you want me to take your order?" The waiter asks when he's in front of me.

"No, I'm waiting for my girlfriend," I tell him and he nods and leaves.

My cell phone rings again after a few minutes and I grab it.

From: Emily

Just thought I should remind you.

I'm getting anxious, impatient. Emily makes me feel like this but so does Lucy. I'm always strong, I never care about anything but I must admit that women are my weakness and I'm not talking about Lucy, I'm talking about Emily.

I found a box with some things from us, Emily had a Polaroid and I had some pictures in that box, nude Emily is the best version of Emily. See those photos caused me a mental breakdown. So much has happened, time is running so fast and I haven't noticed that.

My phone rings again.

From: Emily.

I know what you did.

+

To: Emily.

And that was ...?

+

From: Emily.

You slept with Noelle, that bitch.

What the fuck? She's miles away, in another continent and still finds out about everything.

To: Emily.

Yeah, so? It's  not your fucking problem.

I won't deny it, I did it, so? Abstinence is not for me, sometimes you just have to have sex, you can't avoid your basic needs. Noelle was so easy, I didn't have to try. Since I saw her in the bar that day with Zayn she hasn't stopped bothering me so I gave her what she wanted. I don't even feel bad and I shouldn't, it would be really stupid to feel bad because I'm basically single.

 Noelle sent me a message, she wants to talk to me about Gemma but I think is another of her tricks to try to sleep with me so for now I ignore her.

Really surprises me how much I lasted without fuck someone and I still cannot understand how I didn't do all this time. It's really stupid.

"Sorry I'm late" I hear Lucy's voice and I raise my head.

She lets out a big sigh and sits in front of me.

"It's okay" I look down for a few seconds, somehow I don't want to look her in the eyes. Why? Because she knows my secret, she knows bit more about me and that makes me feel nervous.

She looks like a bear covered with the jacket and all those things. Lucy gets rid of the scarf and beanie. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips are a pink,  I had never seen her with that color before.

"Are you wearing ...?"

"Lipstick?" She touches her lips, finishing the sentence for me. I nod. "Mandy fo-forced me, does it look bad?" She asks.

"No, looks fine, looks good on you" I give her a compliment and I'm being honest.

"Sorry, I was-I was studying, have you been waiting for too long?" She asks me worried and I shake my head.

"Here," I pass a menu to her and she read it.

I look to my menu and I think on what I will order.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," she repeated, but this time I don't answer.

"Are you ready? Can I take your order? " We hear the voice of the waiter.

"Ahm, yes," answered Lucy.

I look at her and waited for Lucy to order first.

Her fingers comb her long dark hair and then she braids her hair. Her fingers braid her hair so fast and in two seconds the braid is done. I wonder if it is the only thing they could do, I am sure that Lucy could do wonderful things with those hands.

I look at the waiter and then back to Lucy. My eyes focus on her neck, pale and clean until I saw two moles.  I'm pretty shocked because I had never seen it before but I have my reasons, I honestly never kiss Lucy's neck, maybe I should do it more often and discover the moles she has hidden there. I wonder where she has more...

I look at her face while she's talking and she has no mole on it. My eyes scanned her hair and her braid honestly irritates me, it bothers me. My fingers are burning and all I want to do right now is to pull her hair, I like to pull girls hair and the girls love them too. I wonder what Lucy would feel if I did it. I would probably scare her...

"Harry?" Her voice burst into my thoughts and I haven't noticed that I've been with my eyes glued on her all this time. "What are you going to order?"

I manage to make my order and the waiter leaves. I feel dazed and stupid, I'm impressed with how easily I was able to immerse myself in my thoughts and lost in Lucy's face.

She talks about Mandy and Marcel and that they have been studying all this time and why I didn't go with them. I listen for 30 seconds and then my ears switch off. I check my phone while I nod.

From: Emily.

Son of a bitch, I'll kill Noelle, I swear.

*

To: Emily.

The role of jealous bitch is not your thing.

*

From: Emily

Good point. I tried.

*

From: Emily.

Was it good?

Was it? I must admit that yes, maybe I found it great because it has been a long time.

To: Emily.

Yes.

I smile to myself because I know Emily will be mad.

"Harry?" I meet Lucy's eyes and she bites her nails. "Have you been listening?"

"Yeah," I smile but I fail to convince her, I can tell by the way she looks down and focuses her attention on her hands.

The silence stay between us until the waiter arrives with our order. Coffee, croissants, cakes and cookies. The evening is cold so all this is justified.

Lucy commented on how delicious everything is and I try to create a conversation but I feel that today we are not connected.

From: Emily

Fucking idiot. Don't think we're going to fuck when I get back.

*

To: Emily.

Poor me, what do I do now?

My sarcasm is going to piss her off so much and I like the idea.

"Harry"

"Hm?"

"What happened?" Lucy's cold fingers touch the skin of my wrist and rolls up my sleeve to see the band that covers my wrist.

"It's a new tattoo" I answer.

"Really? Oh and what is it?"

"Yin yang tattoo"

"Oh, and why?"

"I've always liked it and I've always wanted one. Yin yang shows the continuous interaction of two energies, they are opposite but complementary. It is a symbol that creates equality without Yin Yang could not exist and vice versa. " Wow, did I actually say that?

"How cute" She smiles. "Why didn't you tell me before about the tattoo? I could have gone with you and--"

"I like doing this kind of thing alone" I say and I'm being honest. Lucy doesn't answer and just nods.

I really like doing this thing alone, getting a tattoo is like a ritual for me, every tattoo has a meaning and I feel selfish but I don't like to share that special moment as it is a permanent mark on your skin, in your life. I must admit that there have been exceptions, Emily used to go with me and was the only girl. I guess the reason is because she is special.

I drink a sip of my coffee and my fingers pinched the croissant.

"Harry what's wrong?" Lucy question and concern is flowing down her face. I look at her eyes, then her freckles, her lips and then back to her eyes.

"What? Nothing, "I quickly answer.

"You look...distant."

"I'm not," I defend myself and she looks down.

"You have barely spoken and you are very distracted by your phone. Did something happen?"

"No"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No." Why does she think that? Lucy is the best fake girlfriend one could wish for.

"I read on the internet that ... um, I mean, I was reading about people who don't have a good past..." She trailed off.

"Keep talking" I say because I want to understand what she wants to say.

"Admit something so, um, so deep and personal is not easy, can cause shame, regret, irritation and even coldness."

"I don't know what you mean" I looked to my phone.

"Don't ignore me, you've done that lately, since you told me about your problem with your parents."

"I'm not ignoring you"

"These days I've felt like you do"

I sigh and try to be patient.

"And what are you trying to say with that?" I raise an eyebrow and she swallows before continuing.

"That maybe is that what you feel."

I want to laugh but my throat is dry. Something inside of me admits she is right but why?

"You don't have to feel ashamed of what you told me Harry, I won't judge you or tell someone else a-about it" She whispers and the only thing I hear is her voice.

"I don't feel that way"

Have I acted strange these days? Since I told her a little about me I felt a bit weird, somewhat uncomfortable, anxious, a little nervous but why?

"Don't feel weak because you're not" she mumbles and stretches a hand toward me.

Weak? I'm not fucking weak. She wanted to know the truth and I told what she wanted to hear, that doesn't make me weak. Maybe I exposed myself a little, I told something very private, something that hurts but I'm not weak. I feel exposed, as if she had broken my shell a bit but it doesn't make me weak right?

Lucy gets up and sits next to me. I move in the seat and I keep a distance between us, I feel that today we repel. She grabs my hand and looks straight in the eye. I swallow.

This distance between the two is like a magnet, I feel that we are repelling each other, yet I feel a strong magnetism, something electric.

I felt exposed when I told her about me because honestly I hate to do it, people don't need to know about my life, it's not their problem. People judge but I know that Lucy would never do it. I remember the way she looked at me, the way she snuggled into my arms and cried and although I never thought it was something that could happen. She looked weak and in some way I felt like something broke inside of me. I should add that I felt embarrassed, shy after my statement. To told her about it was to open a door that is always closed, it is like going back to little Harry.

I felt exposed when I told her about me because honestly I hate to do it, people don't need to know about my life, it's not their problem. People judge but I know that Lucy would never do it. I remember the way she looked at me, the way she snuggled into my arms and cried and I wasn’t expecting that.  She looked weak and in some way I felt like something broke inside of me. I should add that I felt embarrassed, shy after my statement. To told her about it was to open a door that is always closed, it is like going back to little Harry.

I shake my head, too much thoughts and only one conclusion is in my mind: She's right.

Her fingers make circles on my knuckles and I frown. I feel irritated.

"I would never judge you, I can't describe how grateful I am for the fact that you talked to me" Lucy smiles and I feel even more irritated.

I try to find the source of my discomfort, my anger, why I'm feeling this so for someone who is completely harmless and sweet.

I rewind the day and put together everything I did. In all my memories I find the cause: Emily. This is what she always does to me, cause these feelings in me: Anger, anxiety, irritation. We argued in the morning and she likes to talk shit. I trusted her but she always talks about my parents or my family as something funny. I regret the day I told her about it, but I didn't tell her the same thing I told Lucy. Lucinda knows more and that scares me. When she hates is she going to tell everyone about me? What if then she acts like Emily? Repeating things I don't want to hear, don't want to remember.

Everything is so stupid, why am I thinking this? Why should I care? I never care, never. Shit, this definitely makes me somehow weak.

I want to bang my head on the table. Where are my walls, my protection?

Lucy's eyes look at me and she is waiting for something, then I realize she's waiting an answer, I want to say something and for the first time I don’t know what to say.

"Admitting those kind of things or saying something private, which is hard, doesn't make you weak. Don't be distant or angry with me, I'm sorry. "

I don't understand what is she trying to say, first she says something and then says "I'm sorry"?

"Harry your-your silence is killing me" Lucy admits with a smile is contagious so I also smiled.

"Sorry, I suck at these things"

"It's fine. I will keep your secret, our secret "

Her last words cause chills in my skin. When I fucked Noelle I told that no one could find about it and she said it would be "our secret". Lucy's words bring back memories of Noelle and now I feel bad.

I want to bang my head against the table, something is wrong, something is very wrong with me right now. Lucy definitely is not helping and I feel dizzy.

"You're so special Harry, unique. Maybe you don't care and maybe you will never care but you need to know that you are special and I-I like you. "

I'm starting to wonder what had the coffee Lucy drank, why is she telling me this? It is so bold, so brave of her that my heart is pumping hard inside my chest. The feeling is almost frightening.

"So don't feel like that please, you look so distant and I have felt that I've been talking to myself these days" She admits downcast and my stomach hurts.

Lucy gets up and sits in front of me. I didn't notice the heat from her body until she left.

I open my mouth to say something but I don't hear anything. My mind is turned off and my vocal cords are not working. What is she doing to me? I feel...I feel weak.

Lucy takes a pen from her backpack and a small book; she opens it and writes something.

"What did they put in that coffee?" I asked and she laughed. She tore the paper and put it in her backpack.

"I've been practicing these days," she mutters as she writes. I watch fascinated whilst Lucy slide the pen for the paper once she finish she looks at me. "I have something f-for you"

"What is it?"

"This" She stretches the paper to me, it has something written. I read the phrase and now I really want to bang my head against the table until I faint.

 "Have you practiced this too?"

"No," Lucy admits with cheeks flushed.

I looked down and re-read the sentence:

“Harry has beautiful eyes, the kind you could get lost in and I guess I did.”

Shit.

+

I still feel the same.

I bang my head against the steering wheel once, two, three times and then I sigh. I have serious problems.

I start the engine and rest my back against the driver's seat. I rub my temples and try to think.

I honestly don't know what happens to me these days, since I told Lucy about me I feel something between us. I'm more nervous, more anxious and it's hard to look at her. It is even more difficult since she wrote those words for me in that paper.

"Harry has beautiful eyes, the kind you could get lost in and I guess I did.” I repeated the phrase and growled. I feel like shit.

I rolled down the window of my car and light a cigarette. The taste fills my mouth and the smoke rolls into my lungs. I exhale through my nose, I look outside and I try to keep my mind blank, which is not a problem.

I inhale, letting the smoke burn my throat every time my brain says "Lucy".

I wave at some friends and tried to distract myself.

"Harry" I hear Lucinda's voice from outside. She opens the door and gets in the car. "Why didn't you come today?" It's the first thing she asks as she gets rid of her scarf.

"I was busy" I answer honestly. I had better things to do.

"Oh, too bad," she buckled the seat belt and starts humming a song. "Harry can you n-not smoke while you're driving"

I put the cigar in my mouth, breathing the toxic smoke. I look at Lucinda and then exhale the smoke in her face. That's the best answer I have to tell her that 'I don't care'.

I thought she would look away and that would be the end of discussion but Lucy snatches the cigarette from my fingers and throws out the window. What? What?! I'm speechless.

"Sassy" I tease because this was funny.

"Just drive please"

And that's what I do. The air and the silence is killing me but at the same time I feel relaxed. I tried to improve my attitude, my heart softened when I read Lucy's words but is not enough. I pull my hair gently and wonder when this will end but I cannot find the answers.

After what seemed like an eternity we finally got home. We were going to watch a movie and Lucy is going to bake a cake but I doubt if she wants to be with me right now. I barely can stand myself.

"Come on Harry," she whispers before closing the door.

Well yes, she still wants me. Emily would never do that, in these cases when one of us is in a bad mood is better to take some distant but Lucy just draws me to her.

I close the door of my car and walked to her house.

"Will you help me with the c-cake?" Lucy asks as she washes her hands.

"Can I look?" Honestly the last thing I want to do is cook, bake or anything related to that.

"Of course" Lucinda walks out and comes back a few seconds later with a stack of magazines. "If you want to read something while you are waiting" she says leaving it on the table.

"Um, thanks," I say uninterested.

Lucinda prepares the cake while I play on my phone. I try to be in a good mood but it's impossible. God, what is wrong with me?

I go to Lucy's backyard and I smoke a cigarette, I stare at the little house where we had our first kiss and wow what a horrible place for a first kiss.

I comb the few curls that stick to my fingers and I smoke another cigarette and keep as well until the pack is finished. My fingers are burning and my throat is dry, I need more but if I leave I won't come back.

I'm in a bad mood but I can't leave Lucy. Once I feel calm I walk back to the kitchen. I grab one of her magazines and read some articles. Once I get bored I look up and stare at Lucy.

She turned off the cake blender and wipes her forehead with the back of her hand. I insert my finger into the mix and I shove it into my mouth. Not so bad, actually is delicious.

"Let's eat this" I suggest and she smiles.

She pours into a mold and hands me the bowl, "You can eat this if-if you want"

Mom used to bake cakes, rarely happened but every time she did it was really meaningful to me. She always gave me the rest of the cake mixture so I could eat it, basically Lucy gesture does nothing but remind me of the past, but a happy memory.

While I eat the cake mixture I realize that I've been an idiot with Lucy and how stupid I am. I allowed that and I know the only I can do is trust in Lucy, she will keep it as a secret.

Maybe I feel so irritated that she said that I was weak and maybe I am but I'm only human and that's what we do. I built my walls again and now I can stop complaining. I feel better and everything is for this thing I'm eating.

I'll never do that to Lucy again but I won't tell anything more about me because honestly it just brings troubles for me and it is not good for our relationship.

"What are you laughing at?" Lucy asks as she puts the mold in the oven.

What am I laughing? For our fake relationship and the way I'm acting like this were so real. This is far from being real, to have something that bind us, a common feeling, we are far away.

"Nothing at all," I reply and slide my finger across the chocolate mixture. "Come here, Lucy," I say and she obeys. My free hand grabs her waist and I make her sit on my lap. She fixed her glasses and looks at me surprised. I know, I'm bipolar. How can I feel better now when all these days I have been a bloody grumpy with her?

"Sorry," I speak and she doesn't respond. I put some cake mixture in her nose and slide my tongue over the tip of her nose. Lucy laughs and pushes me softly.

"It's fi-fine," Lucy sighed and I stroke her back. She's so silly, she tolerated everything and I appreciate it and like it.

In an unconscious act I kiss her jaw and lips. I swear these days I've felt this way I barely kissed her so in a way it's a relief for me to do it again.

Her fingers clinging to my hair as we deepened the kiss, I feel shivers down my spine because of our kiss and my hands gently squeezed her waist.

"Harry," she sighs my name and swear that drove me crazy. My hands burn, burn to touch her. Honestly I need the sex, I need to fuck someone. I wish it was easy and I could just throw Lucy on the table and do it right now but no.

"Really?" I growl on her lips when we hear the doorbell. "I thought we would be alone" Not really but I thought it should say.

Lucinda combs her hair and fixed her glasses.

"Be right back" She said before getting up and walking out of the kitchen.

I hear the door and I poke my head to the living room. A girl hugs Lucy and I immediately recognize her hair and the exaggerating way she is crying. Cassie. What the hell is she doing here?

"He cheated on me Lucy, he-he cheated on me!" Oh well, there's my answer.

Lucy says something to Cassie and closes the door. Her friend wipes her tears but she is crying so hard.

"Am I interrupting something?" Cassie asks when her red eyes fell on me.

"Yes," I answer and Lucy frowns.

"No, of course not, you are welcome here. You need a glass of water, come with me"

Both make their way to the kitchen and Cassie sits beside me. I get up from the chair and sit on the table. Don't wanna be her shoulder to cry and I don't like this, she comes here now that she has discovered the truth of her little boyfriend. She's basically using Lucy and I don't like the idea because I'm using her and with me is enough.

"Here, drink" Lucy hands her a glass of water and Cassie drinks in a sip.

"How-How could he do this to me?" Cassie sobs and Fray sits beside her.

"Sorry Cassie" Lucy says and hugs her friend.

I roll my eyes and let Lucy stay with her ​​friend. I grab a glove and walked to the oven to get the cake.

"You are such a cute couple," but she barely has seen us together, "I love lurry" Cassie whimpers and Lucy and I we looked at each other and then we looked at Cassie.

"Lurry?" I asked confused ad irritated. What the hell is Cassie talking about? Is she stoned or? "

"It's like Massie" she responds with a nasal voice and I don't understand. "You just have to com-combine names like...like ..." She trails off, drowning in her tears. "I'm happy for you" Cassie keeps crying on Lucy's shoulder and I swear I don't understand anything about girls.

"Is she stoned?" I mouthed to Lucy and she frowned.

"Before I keep crying I have something to tell Lucy." It's stupid to say that because she is crying. "Someone left this outside your house" Cassie points to a box resting on the floor next to her backpack. It is a red box with a white ribbon. What? Why?

"Um, it's okay b-but what matters now is you Cassie"

Maybe Lucy doesn't care but I do. I grab the red gift and has written Lucy's name. My fingers get rid of the bow in two seconds and I open the box and there are plenty of white flowers and between the flowers there is a letter.

Lucy doesn't even notice what I'm doing and I don't care. I open the letter and read:

"I fell in love with you. Not for how you look, just for who you are (although you look pretty good too)"

Did I read right? What the fuck is this?

My fingers burn and I want to throw the box out the window. What the hell!? I think after reading the letter a second time. I frown and I know I shouldn't but all the blood in my body is on fire and I think I'm jealous. How?

I read the short phrase and check on the sender's name.

Adam.

Is he serious?

Why is he sending this to her?

It’s the first time or what?

I look at Lucy, she is hugging Cassie and then I look at the letter and I crumpled the paper. Asshole. I don't know what he's doing or what he has planned but I'll stop him, I'll stop Adam.