.                                ««LUCY»»

My mind is about to explode, I need help, I need some advice, I need a girl to girl talk. I should go to Cassie but it would be too much to explain, so I decide to go to Mandy. She said she would listen to me and I am sure she will.

 I haven't seen Cassie, we have no class together today until after lunch. I haven't seen Harry and I wonder if everything will be fine between us.

I went to the library, Mandy should be here. I slid between tables and I spotted Mandy sitting in a corner of the library.

She smiled at me and then looked down at her book. "Lucy, I'm studying and—"

"I need to talk you about Harry ..."

"The study may be for later," she said, closing the book. "Tell me, what happened?"

"First I would like to ask something ... um, do you have any experience in this?"

"And what would that be?" Mandy raised an eyebrow.

"Um, ... in love." I whispered.

"I had a boyfriend and I have been in love, you're in love with Harry?"

"N-no, of course not" I answered quickly. "I just wanted to know that, because it would be silly to ask for help from someone who knows nothing such as me." Mandy laughed nervously and remained serious. "Um, sorry," I cleared my throat before speaking. "I just don’t know…what is…what is happening  between us," I confessed.

"That doesn't help me," Mandy said, "I need you to tell me more."

Okay, here we go.

I armed myself with courage and guts. I can trust her, I know.

And with that thought I told her everything, almost everything that has happened between us. I avoid some parts such as: When I met Harry at the bakery and his fight with his mother, or the problem with my mom or when Harry came to see me swim. Mandy barely blink as I told her the whole story and when I finished she lets out all the air she was holding in her lungs.

"Oh my God," is all she said. "Everything has happened in just one month?" I nodded. "Woah, this is too much for my little mind."

"I need your help, advice. I... I'm so lost, "I said, looking at my lap.

"I can understand how you feel, that guy is a disaster, but you know what I think? I think he likes you, "Mandy smiled. "I can't believe you rejected him yesterday, why did you do that?"

"I couldn't call my mom and tell her that I would stay in his house, with a boy... she would...she would go mad and also because I'm not used to that."

"Um, yes, it is understandable but honestly I would do whatever was necessary to go to the home with Harry Styles, to go to his place and sleep on his side." Mandy sighs and then shakes her head. "You have no idea how lucky you are."

Lucky? Why? All Mandy feels for him it's attraction in a sexual sense, like all the others girls. For all of these girls and their hormones Harry is a handsome boy and all the girls want him but I doubt they know him, just a little bit, like me. I don't know how to explain it but Harry is more than it seems. He can sometimes be bad but other times he's just amazing ...

"Why do you think he likes me? Gi-give me a reason" I whispered.

"Look, we all know Harry Styles, the way he is. It must have been hard for him, it was a Saturday why would he waste his time on a stupid math contest? He is a guy who goes to parties and stuff but anyway he went for you, that is so romantic. Also you told that he said 'I need you', God, what are you deaf or something? "Mandy frowned.

"No ... I'm not but-"

"You're building walls, you are hiding in your own box because you want to deny everything that has happened. He said he needed you, he kissed you and you kissed him and he kissed you back. Want more proof? "

"I kno-know ...but ..." I trailed off without knowing what to say.

Mandy was saying what I didn't dare to think. Something my subconscious always knew but I never let out to the surface.

"Lucy, stop.  I can understand why you are like that. You a new at all and he's an expert on everything ... "Mandy smiled. "And I can understand that fear for his reputation, the way he is but..." Mandy stretched out and placed her hand on mine "if you don't take risks you'll never know what could have happened."

She killed me with that phrase because she was 100% right.

"Still, you must be careful, I'm not saying that he is not trustworthy, but you never know." Mandy shrugged. "But I'm sure he likes you."

Okay, I think I've heard enough.

"Thank you." I said with a fake smile. "I trust you, so please ... don't ... don't tell anyone." I begged.

"I won't, don't worry." I nodded and stood up. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to eat something, do you wanna go?" Mandy refused and I said goodbye.

I didn't want to listen to Mandy anymore, maybe what she said cleared up my mind but I still have my insecurities and they wouldn't disappear with a simple girl talk. I was scared, too scared. I know that if I don't take risks I'll never know what might have happened between us but if I do and everything goes wrong. I'll end up shattered.

I am fragile and weak and I admit it, those are my major disadvantages. I'm too emotional; I can't tolerate situations with too much frustration. If Harry breaks my heart I just couldn't bear that and I didn't know how to recover. So far I like him and I like him a lot but...what would happen if I fall in love? I read in novels and see in real life and in movies. Falling in love is not a game, people get hurt and although they can recover from breakups, sometimes there are wounds that never heal.

I shook my head and wiped my glasses with the sleeve of my sweater. I think I'm exaggerating the situation but I have a very concrete idea. I couldn't bear if he breaks my heart.

I went to the cafeteria and I couldn't help but feel nervous. Two things could happen right now, I could sit with Cassie and bear her or maybe Harry would talk with me. Marcel and Ryan are not options, Marcel should be with his new friends and Ryan, well, I don't know where he is.

 I couldn't find Cassie so I decided to walk to the lunch line. To kill time I decide to think about something. Many good things happened on Saturday.

I can't describe how I felt when we won, all the cheers, hugs, whistles and the prize. It was really amazing, I can't believe it and best of all is that I helped, I was useful and I felt as such.

I bought my lunch and walked with my tray looking for a table.

When we won I felt good, really good, it's been for a while since the last time I felt like this. Like a warm feeling invaded my chest is a sign you're doing the things right. It's a sign of true and pure happiness.

"Look out idiot," I heard a female voice and a cold liquid hit my chest and soak my sweater. I shook my head and looked at the responsible. Ashley..., I had completely forgotten that girl.

"My...my sweater," I said looking at my wet garment that was leaking and wetting my shoes.

"It was horrible, I think now it looks better." She smiled before leaving.

I let out a sigh and took off my sweater. Oh good, happiness doesn't last forever, too good to be true. Unfortunately here I am, back in school. Nice place, horrible people. I felt like a champion for what happened on Saturday, but come back here makes me feel like the loser I am.

I chewed my lunch while I read a comic. I borrowed this to Marcel. I tried to focus on the story but my mind slips on Saturday.

One good thing that happened on Saturday was to have Harry with me, it was strange because it was too unexpected but it was a surprise. Not to mention that we kissed and we are nothing. I just don't know what to think about that but Saturday was an exception.

I'm glad that Harry hasn't spoken about the kiss because I wasn't ready. Mainly because I kissed him, I took the initiative and don't know what motivated me to do it but I couldn't resist. One side yelled at me for doing it, for kiss him, and I obeyed. It certainly surprised him and I think he can imagine how surprised I was too.

The only bad thing was the incident with Marcel, he's my friend and I love him but I was impressed for his overreaction. I felt intimidated for his question, I wouldn’t answer and I was sure that Harry either.

After I ran away, Marcel came to me and tried to talk about it but I just avoided him. How could I tell something to him that I can't explain to myself? I haven't even told Cassie and just like Marcel she is going to be so angry, I'm sure.

"Lucy, you're here!" I heard Cassie's voice and I jumped when a book fell on the table. "I've been looking for you, congratulations!" My friend hugs me, surrounding my shoulder with one arm. "I'm so proud of you" She smiles.

"Thanks Cassie."

"I have a surprise," Cassie said and I realized she had one hand behind her back. "Hope you like it" Cassie stretched a small gift. I slip my fingers through the paper and I tore. It was a comic, but not just any comic.

"Oh my god, is the new edition!" I almost cried of happiness. "It's supposed that in two months this will be here, where did you get it?"

"I have my contacts" She smiled proudly.

"Thanks Cassie, means a lot to me," I smiled as I pressed the comic against my chest.

"You're welcome. Hey, do you want to sit with Matt and his friends? "She asked a little insecure.

No, I didn't but she gave me this gift...I can't say no.

"Uh, sure ..."

"I don't want to force you."

I really don't want to go, I should be honest.

"I'd rather stay here but it would ..."

"Okay, see you later." Cassie said before leaving quickly.

"It would be nice that you stay with me..." I whispered talking to myself.

I thought at least she would stay or would consider doing so. I haven't seen her this all weekend because she was with Matt and it's only Monday and she is already with him again. When she is going to have time for me? I miss her and I need her although she didn't know.

I think she doesn't that Harry was with me on Saturday because she didn't make any question. When she finds out she is going to kill me, things will get ugly but this is just a communication problem. I'm not able to tell her things but she is not able to hear me either.

I tried to keep reading the comic but my mind drifts to the small conversation with Mandy. Maybe she is right, maybe Harry likes me but it's so ridiculous to think that!

Certainly I don't think he would ever like me, I mean, it's ridiculous. The day Harry will like me will be the day that Superman is friend with Kryptonite, which basically never. Every time my mind asks me why? I just have to look in the mirror for the answer.

If I want to know the type of girls that Harry likes I just have to look to Madison. I'm not jealous but she is beautiful and she doesn't even try. I'm not pretty and I don't try, I don't care, or at least I think that.

I want to be worth it but not for wear short dresses, or for have a beautiful face or breasts. I want to be worth for my attitude, my intelligence or the way I think. I just want someone that likes my shyness, like to study with me, to respect my silence and enjoy reading and eating ice cream like me. I never thought all this but I know that deep in my soul I always knew. Is it too much to ask? I think so.

And that's when there's another problem, all I want doesn’t fit in Harry and all I think he wants doesn’t fit my profile. We are opposites, complete opposites.

I could feel it in me and I realized, again, on Saturday. Harry left and I came back with my teammates. It was a special night. Many people enjoyed at a party but we enjoy talking and playing. This is where I belong, reading comics, talking about the competition, about math and playing video games or chess. It's been a long time since the last time I did this.

Words can't describe how much I missed all this. I was so far from what I really am. I was almost thrown into the world that Cassie and Harry love. Parties, alcohol, drunk and sweaty teen and girls who have no self-respect. I always said that I don't like it but now I feel that I hate it. And then I have another problem. I know I hate it but for a moment it felt like a third home. Why? The only answer was Harry Styles. I would go through all this which I call hell just for him. 

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.                                                 ««HARRY»»

"Son of a bitch!" I screamed and threw the glass towards the wall. The object exploded and the glass spilled in the floor of the living room.

I hate Taylor, I hate myself.

I ran my hands through my hair and I grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a drink. I growled as I feel the bad taste of the liquid.

Shit, this was fucked up. What do I do? I like Lucy but I have to keep this shit. I need the money or we're screwed. The boys do what they can, selling drugs, but we owe a large sum of money and Taylor is practically willing to pay if I hurt Lucy. I thought it would be worse but what he asks is simple. She is a teenager like me, she's weak, it will not be difficult but I feel I can't do it.

I drank from the bottle and walked around the room. I brought a cigarette in my mouth and light it up with trembling fingers. I breathe the toxic smoke and my throat is burning. I hold it in my lungs and then I exhaled smoke and shake my head.

I need to do something. I like her and I'm sure she likes me. I must behave and I'll win her, I must wait a while, I must earn her trust and when she least expects it I'll have to end this. I can do it, she's just a girl.

"Shit, shit, I'm so screwed," I cursed. I stopped and stared the wall.

She doesn't deserve this, she doesn't deserve any of this but I can't go back. She will never forgive me, never.

This is my entire fault, all this happened because all the shit that I did when I was young, when I was stupid. This happens to me for be a person full of hatred and anger, these feelings don't lead you anywhere and that happened to me. Those feelings will only destroy you and your loved ones. And that's exactly what I did and what I keep doing.

It's not healthy for me to like someone. The last time I liked a girl things ended badly. We were too similar, our personalities weren't working together. At that time I was more dedicated but didn't mean I wasn't the idiot I'm right now. Emily was officially off the rails, completely lost. Everything ended in a big bang, it was like two stars colliding. We were always hanging on a thin line until one day was cut and we fell hard on the ground.

And now that I like Lucy things aren't going to end well and the worst is that I can't tell her, Taylor will find out one way or another, he always will. One thing I've learned is that a lie is always discovered and if he finds out everything will end up worse. I won't underestimate him, not this time; I know what he is capable of. I know I'm fucked up but he is worse. If I'm going to do this, has to be fair, there is money involved.

I feel sorry, sorry for myself to get to this point. I don't deserve anything. All I feel is anger, anger that has to be released and the only way I can think of is through violence. I hit the wall with my fist. I feel a pain and chills but I don't stop. I strike again and again and the pain increases, but not only feel pain but also pleasure. A strange kind of pleasure, I feel like a part of the weight in my shoulders is released. Violence is not a solution but for me it is.

I grabbed an empty bottle from the ground and threw it against the wall. The sound is music to my ears.

I stifled a groan of pain and I hit the material with my knuckles and waited for a bone fracture. I hit the wall again, feeling the pain circulating through my veins, this is what I deserve. I know it's not healthy but it helps me to let out anger and hatred.

I throw another punch and the red color is painted on the wall. Blood, finally. I stop when I hear the ringing of our door. Certainly is not one of the boys because they have the keys.

My hand hurts and I can barely move it. The blood runs through my knuckles and is dripping on the floor but I don't care.

I walked to the door and opened it. A chill ran through my body.

"Harry ... ar-are you okay?" Lucy asked looking at me. I must look awful. Messy hair, I'm sweaty and I haven't even showered.

I inspected her and noticed that something was wrong. Her nose and eyes were red.

"Are you okay? What happened to you?" I asked stretching a hand toward her. I didn't care how I feel now, she was more important.

"Harry, your hand!" Lucy jumped when she sees my hand. Why I stretched my wounded hand? "You're bleeding," she said, grabbing my hand and staining her fingers with my blood.

"Um, yes, but it doesn't matter," I rolled my eyes and let go of her grip. I stifled a wince, my hand hurts like hell.

"Harry, what were you doing?" She asked, entering into my house.

"Nothing, I was bored" I lied and Lucy shook her head. She slid the sleeve of her shirt against her nose and then looked at me. "You don't look well, what happened?"

Lucy crossed her arms and look away with watery eyes. "Honestly ... I don't know ... I don't know why I came here but couldn't thi-think of any other place." She confessed in a whisper.

"Hey, don't cry" I said, approaching her, Lucy looks at me and I just watched the tears falling down her cheek. What the fuck happened?

"I shouldn't be here," she whispered, "but I don't have anyone who I can trust, except you".

Trust.

The word is burning inside me and I want to hit the wall to hurt my other hand.

"So Lucy, what happened? I'm Worried. "She hid her face in her hands and began to sob.

I slid my hand-no wound around her waist and hugged her. I buried my face in her hair and breathed. The guilt was eating me alive, but this is what I deserve and I'll have to take it and I'm so sorry.

"I argued with Marcel, it wasn't nice" She sobbed into my shirt.

"What the fuck is wrong with my cousin? I swear to God I'm going to hit him so hard that-"

"No Harry, don't do it" She begs. Her brown eyes look at me pleading and I just sighed and nodded. "What ... what happened to you?"

"I was having an internal battle with myself," I confessed. She nodded and grabbed my hand between her fingers.

"Why don't you clean this?" She asked, stroking the back of my hand. I sighed and nodded.

"Do you want a glass of water?"  I offered and Lucy nodded.

"I'll go get it and you go clean" She said wiping some tears.

I obeyed and went upstairs to the bathroom. I washed my hands with hot water and stared as the blood dripped. My knuckles were painted with blue spots and I can't even move my fingers because I know it will hurt. I heard Lucy's footsteps up the stairs and then she poked her head into the bathroom to watch me.

"Um, I hope I'm not bot-bothering you" She whispered. "If you want I can—"

"No Lucy, it's okay," I sighed and moved my hand feeling the pain. I stifled a groan and I turned to her, "I want you here" She swallowed, nodded shyly and walked down the hall.

"I thought you'd be angry," she said when I emerged in my room.

"Just a little bit," I replied and picked up a dirty blouse from the ground. I rolled up my hand with the fabric and I collapsed in my bed.

Lucy moved to the edge of the bed and crossed legs her.

"Sorry" She said and I raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry I rejected you yesterday, I didn't mean to—"

"It doesn't matter Lucy, you have the right to say no," I interrupted her.

She nodded and looked around, inspecting my room. She folded her knees and buried her face between her knees. At first there was silence, but then I was able to listen to her sobs.

"I'm really worried Lucy, what the hell did my cousin?" I asked sitting on the bed.

Lucinda shook her head still hidden between her knees. I put a lock behind her ear and stroked her cheek. Answering my action she looked up with her ​​brown eyes staring at me scared and sad.

"I won't talk about it now," she whispered, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her shirt.

I nodded. "How was your Saturday after I left?"

"It-it was... it was fine" She can barely speak before cry again.

"Oh my god what did I do? I'm sorry, please don't cry " I said almost desperate.

I had never realized how much it hurt to see someone crying. It's been a while that I don't feel like this.

Lucy shook her head and looked at me. "It was fun and it was weird, it's been a while since the last time I went to Marcel's house" I nodded and waited her to keep talking. "What...what about you?" She breathed.

"I went out with my friends," I replied. And I tried to fuck a girl but I couldn't because I like you so I decided to drink until I forget my name. "I had fun too, as always we all got drunk" I smiled.

"Gre-great" She shrugged. "I guess now I realize your effort on Saturday" she said, taking off her glasses. "Thanks for coming, I think it wouldn't have been the same without you" She smiled softly.

"I know, I am the party" Lucy nodded shyly looking away from me. She wiped her cheeks and pulled her hair to back. She wrinkled her nose and started to make a braid.

Her face looks different when she cries. Her nose and eyes are red, even her lips, which makes her irresistible. Lucy sighs and her eyes meet mine.

"Wha-what?" She asked blushing at my sight. "Is there something on my fa-face?" She asked a little worried.

"No, you're fine"

"My nose and my eyes burn" She sighed. "Don't look at me, I look awful and-"

"No," I interrupted. "You look lovely..., um, you always look lovely" I said honestly.

Lucy's eyes become watery and I wonder what the hell happened. Or she had a tough discussion with Marcel or she's on her period.

"Thanks but no you don't have to te-tell me a lie" She shrugged.

"I'm not lying," I said immediately, frowning at her words. "You're adorable in every sense of the word" Lucy stared at me puzzled and stunned. I guess she doesn't hear that very often.

"Can I say that you are adorable too?" I laughed bitterly at her words. I wasn't adorable at all.

"You have something to do?" I asked and she shook her head. "Stay, I'll take you home later"

"Okay," Lucy nodded shyly. "Um...what do you want to do?"

What do I want to do? I just wanted to forget everything and freeze this moment. Stay here with Lucy. Lie down and sleep, wake up and eat something. Just talk and laugh. We could do that but it wouldn't last forever. Nothing good happens to me.

But there was something else that was floating in my mind, something deeper, I really wanted to do it now and I am not ashamed to say it.

"I want to kiss you" I said with a slight smile and Lucy opened her eyes surprised. I'm sure she's about to have a heart attack.

That was her only answer, she didn't speak and she just stayed frozen. I would take that reaction as a 'yes.'

"Ahm,...okay ..." Lucy whispered.

I shut off my mind and all the tortuous thoughts. I could afford this, I guess.

I leaned over and rested my forehead against hers. Lucinda sighed and slid her arms around my neck with a little more confidence. Um, I like that. She looked at me expectantly and I stared for a few seconds her chocolate eyes. I stroke her cheek and brushed her lips with mine but I didn't kiss her.

"What should I do?" I whispered against her skin.

"You sho-should...kiss me" She shudders.

That was what I needed to hear to do it.

Only this time I decided to forget everything and I just thought selfishly on me. I grabbed her waist and carefully pressed my lips against hers.