HARRY

I was exhausted. Lucy let me take a nap, I slept a lot. Once awake I took a shower and Lucy was my nurse. Despite my state we finished our biology project. The good thing was that she decided not to talk about other things and just concentrated on the project. But I know we'll have to talk about what happened.

We didn't talk while we were trying to do our job. My eyes were on Lucy's face and sometimes she was also looking at me. It's a strange game, a strange way to start from the beginning.

I memorized her freckles again, the sparkle in her eyes or the way she fixes her glasses. Sometimes she sighs out of nowhere or she looks at an infinite point as she thinks about something. I wonder if she notices something from me, if she saves one little detail about me.

We share the entire afternoon and although the silence was with us sometimes I just knew I couldn't get bored of her, of her presence.

We ate something and I left her at home. It was really late. I tried to kiss her but I should know that would be a vain attempt.

I went home that night just to get out again. We needed to sell at least some of the drugs that we recovered. So we did that with Niall. We know the points where people are willing to buy. It wasn't a tough night.

In my mind I thought it would be a good week but I was quite wrong.

I called Lucy in the morning, I told her I could pick her if she wanted but she refused. I didn't expect that and more unexpected was that it really hurt me her rejection.

I thought it was fine she had the right to reject me. At the end of the day the word 'nothing' was what described exactly what we are.

I attended to my classes. So boring, the same s.hit.

I saw Lucy for like five minutes at lunch. I spotted her talking to Ryan. The anger inside me was burning my blood. I was in a bad mood the whole day after that. I was jealous.

I tried to take her home but Lucy was going out with her friends after school. It was like a punch in the ribs. I don't know why I'm thinking this but she looks...more independent. That is a good thing but my selfish side doesn't want it that way.

And I realize that if I could Lucinda would be mine the whole day. No exceptions.

My phone rings and I check the message. I didn't know Emily could be some kind of psychopath. I think she's insane.

I have nothing else to do once I'm free. Maybe I should go over what I have to say about the project but I'm not in the mood to learn something new.

Once Taylor's bar is open I spent the rest of the hours there. Sitting, talking and drinking. Ashton is always a good company. He doesn't need to ask to know I'm in a bad mood or something has happened to me.

Ashton invited some friends. He works and he shares with his group of friends the whole night. I'm in the group and I try to make a normal conversation. There are girls and they are quite beautiful. I have no problem talking to them.

They are hot  and they are quick to flirt with me. I swear they are almost willing for a threesome but I feel bored. None of those girls are Lucinda and could never be.

Of course I miss her and I saw her today, just hours ago. But she was busy with stupid Ryan or with her friends. I want to be the center of her attention. F.uck, I'm very selfish.

I knew I had some brushstrokes of selfishness but this has exceeded my limit, I didn't know I could exceed that.

Used to my bad habits I keep drinking until I can't feel the taste of anything else. When one of your senses fails you know you're on the other side. Drunk is what I mean.

I wake up with a big headache. It is fierce and destructive. I growled like an animal and I made some other strangers sounds.

I know the guys tried to wake me up because my sheets and my pillows are on the ground. Idiots, I hate when they do that.

I do it all like a robot. The shower, breakfast, grab my backpack and I get in the car.

I'm always late, almost all the time and it's more than I should but I take advantage of the fact that my dad knows the principal. I shouldn't do it but do I look like I care? The answer is no.

I can't make it to biology so I lose a valuable class with Lucy. I wait for a message from her asking where I am but I get nothing. It is sad, indeed it is.

On the way to my next class I spotted Ryan in the hallway. I want to grab his blonde wig and a rip it off or smash his little head against the wall. We looked at each other for a few seconds, I see hatred in both directions.

"I'll kill you," I muttered and smiled at my threat. I'm not going to kill him but I would love to punch him on the face right now.

I sit in the last table; I curl up on the chair and fall asleep the whole class. Once it's over I decide to find Lucy.

I put on my sunglasses just to hide my tired eyes as I look for her among the people. I find Lucy with Billy a few feet from me. I hurry towards them and grabbed her hand.

"Hi Harry," she smiles softly and she looks curious at my sunglasses.

"Hi Billy, bye Billy," I say and then I start to pull Lucinda in another direction.

"Hey!" Lucy complains but still she follows me.

We get rid of the people and I managed to find a small space between a less crowded hallway.

"How are you?" I asked as my hands caress her cheeks.

"I'm fine. Why are you wearing sunglasses when we are inside the school?"

"I just wanted to be cool," I reply.

Finally I have one minute 'alone' with her. My fingers glide over her skin, so soft and warm. Lucy's eyes didn't leave my face as I do it. She froze on her spot a little when I lean towards her and support my forehead on hers.

"What's wrong with you?" She murmurs.

"What's wrong with you?" I repeat and she smiles with her eyes closed.

"Where were you, Harry?"

"I fell asleep."

"You smell a bit weird, wait, have you been drinking?" She questioned and her face moves away from mine. No, no.

I bit my lip, my hands still gripping Lucy's face. She removed the sunglasses and forces me to look into her eyes.

"Maybe no, well, yes indeed," I answer awkward and suddenly nervous.

She sighs and looks down.

"Harry, it's just Tuesday..."

I hear the disappointment on her voice and I can see the whole expression plastered on her face.

"Sorry?" I answer, no idea what more can I say.

"Why?"

For you.

"It was just for fun but I lost control, was an accident," I shrugged.

Lucinda backs off, my hands leave her face and I lost all her body heat.

I never give explanations but I feel I owe it to Lucy that, I know she deserves explanations and answers and much more than I could offer.

"It's worrying, you know ..."

"I'm not an alcoholic if that's what you think," I reply and this time I sound a little angry.

"It's not a way of living, Harry."

"What do you know, Lucy?" I frowned.

My words run through her brain, she processes it, and her expression changed to anger but disappointment is still there.

I didn't mean it but my answer was just a way to protect myself and my bad habits. I really didn’t mean it.

"I don't want to fight, not with you," I say quickly and try to remedy my mistake.

I need to change this.

"That was rude. I'm not trying to change you, just want to help," she whispers.

"Why? I'm not hurt. "

"But you look like, Harry," she shrugs.

"Then I want to help you, you're more hurt than me."

Carefully I stretch my hands to her and grabbed her waist. Lucinda hides her face in my chest and I stroked her back.

I don't know what this is, don't know what brought us to this but now I can see our weaknesses. We are weak. We act normal in some way but we are hurt, she more than me. It's my entire fault, each broken piece from Lucy it's my fault and that's one of the things that hurt the most. Perhaps my attempts are in vain and I can never get her back.

"I'm going out with Adam today," she whispers.

I want to shout a big ‘WHAAAAAT’ but I try to keep quiet, I try to stay calm.

"Really?" I try to sound naive.

"Yes, we are going to watch a movie."

That sounds very romantic. I hate Adam.

“Why did you say that?"

"I think you should know it."

I hug her bit stronger this time and my nose slides through her hair. I will ignore Adam and pretend that every piece of Lucy belongs to me. Not him. Me.

"When will you let me kiss you?" I mumble. I try to change the subject; I try to think of something else.

"You have to earn it," she murmurs and I can feel her hot breath against my shirt.

She's right, I have to earn it.

"Harry, I'm hungry, can we go?"

"Okay but lunch with me."

She looks doubtful for a fraction of seconds but finally nods.

We chose a table for us and had lunch in peace. For a couple of seconds my eyes meet Emily and I can see the force she applies on the fork, she is trying to break the fork.

My peaceful lunch with Lucy doesn't last long because Cassie, Billy and Mandy invade our table. What the hell?

Lucy mouthed an 'I'm sorry' to me but I didn't try to hide my anger and irritation by these unwanted presences.

For a moment I wonder why they are doing this and then I guess they must hate me. That might be the reason.

+

Exceeding the limits of myself was becoming a habit. From my break and guilt towards Lucy I began to get into her life, actually to find out more about her through other people. I was going to tell Billy to do it but this time I decided to go and see Lucy with Adam. I needed to see it for myself.

I don't follow them to the movies but I see what they do the rest of the afternoon.

It was shit, shit to me to see all this. He has been doing this the whole time when I have been away. Adam leads the way, he is winning.

Adam acts normally so I doubt that Lucy has told him about me and about what is happening between us. I could be evil and I could tell him the truth but that would be selfish. I can't be that selfish. She is not going to love me if I am this way.

It is extremely difficult to see the girl that you're in love with someone else. I know they are doing nothing wrong but jealousy and my thoughts are tearing and drowning me.

I want her with me and in my life more than I imagined. Somehow I was more attracted to Lucy than what I thought.

As I make my way back home I know I need to get back into the game, I've been lazy and that's not an excuse. She is the girl I want and I need to fight for her until the end. That is one thing. Once I got home there is another thing I should do and it’s learning how to deal with Emily who is outside of my house right now.

+

Another shitty day and this time I have a wound on my right cheek. Emily and her crazy outbursts. She went crazy and didn't stop yelling at me. It makes her sick to know the truth, to know that Lucy is the girl for me. It makes her sick knowing that she has been replaced and that it was not her who replaced me.

I really don't care about Emily. I just want to make things right with Lucinda but this is just another day in which I find myself alone. Lucinda spends her time with her friends and with Billy. I feel ignored. I really want to throw my tray when I see Billy's arms around Lucy's shoulders. We will have a conversation later.

"You're obsessed," Louis said and I shake my head.

"I just want her, I'm in love of her."

"Are you sure? And if it is a fad?"

"She is not a fad!" I grunt raising my voice.

"Harry, you need to learn that you can't always get what you want, you know?" Zayn said angrily. "Get used to it and stop acting like an idiot."

I look at the other boys searching support but it seems that everyone thinks the same. And again I find myself isolated.

+

I spent the night drinking and talking with Lana. This time she didn't try to sleep with me. We just talked and shoot all our concerns and problems.

I didn't think I would talk to her about this but it's a relief. Tonight I found someone who will listen to me and can help due to the fact that she is also a girl.

"You deserve it completely, you know, Harry."

"What?" I ask confused. For a moment I thought I had two glasses but is only one.

"What Lucy is doing to you or how she is acting."

"Shut up, it hurts."

"You deserve pain, deserve to suffer. Think of her; think of how much she suffered too. "

My little Lucy, I just want to run to her house and apologize until I have no more voice, until her tears are not for my fault, until my kisses could fade the sadness among us.

"Pain is a compromise," Lana shrugs.

"Since when you're so smart?" I smile and Lana raises her middle finger at me.

“Idiot.”

"What should I do, what should I do, what should I do?!"

"Stop yelling!" Lana covered my mouth with her hand. "My advice is: Fight with more effort, more strength. And you need to be patient. I know you and you are a person who wants everything easily, Harry. "

"It's the way I've lived."

"You have to learn because it is not the only way.”

I nodded and then I let the familiar sting of the strong alcohol burn my throat.

"You need to act fast. We have the good guy against the bad guy. Adam the good, the boy who would give the world to Lucy and then you, the bad one, the boy who uses drugs and is the image of lust."

"What? I don't want to be that! I want Lucy to see me as a cute teddy bear, someone who can give her lots of love and attention!" I whined like a little child.

Lana laughs at me and I don't understand why.

"Very funny. But I'm serious, you need to be fast and believe me the bad boy doesn't always win, Harry. "

It didn't matter what I was or what I could offer, Adam always have advantage and he could always offer much more than me.

+

We work hard and play hard and then we rest but in my break I can't find what I want.

"I wonder what happens to Lucy," I tell Sherlock. "What if she noticed I'm a shit?"

The hamster looks at me for a few seconds and then lies down on the hay.

"Maybe she is too good to rejecting me," I sighed. "I know I've said that I must fight but I am in deep pain. Her rejection makes me feel this way and I have been suffering all this time but this is much worse. "

Sherlock plays in the hay. I roll my eyes, he is not helping.

"Having this bottle of vodka is not helping me either," I tell myself. "Besides this is from Louis, I stole it but he deserved it, right?"

Sherlock is still playing and I think that's a yes.

"Never drink vodka, Sherlock."

Sigh.

"I am in deep pain, if Lucy felt this way I just want to heal her."

Now is the moment in which Sherlock would say I'm the biggest idiot.

"I swear that the amount of jealousy I have felt this week is overwhelming, I can't believe it. What if she's doing it on purpose? No, my Lucy would never do that. "

+

Louis was angry at his missing bottle. I didn't say it was me. Anyway now I have another one and I'm angry. There is always a point where you explode.

I'm feeling weak, useless. All about Lucinda's driving me crazy.

This has been a tough week, a week in which Lucy has been in another world. Hardly has existed connection between us and I need that connection, I need her.

The way in which we have been separately but together have made me realize many things and everything is about her. I am far from giving up but my instability has made me fall again. Bumping and sending me to the edge. I got into a fight with Cameron, but hey, he deserved it.

I'm drinking again. I went to Barbara's house for help, she got angry and kicked me out. This is so wrong but being a disaster is the only way I know.

The problem of this week is that I have spent very little time with Lucinda as she has spent a lot of time with Billy and Adam. She told me everything she has done and I appreciate her honesty but it's killing me. It feels like someone is stabbing me over and over again and the pain is unbearable.

I'm angry because this is what I get but is not what I want but is what I deserve. I need to talk to her, clarify stuff between us. Maybe she still doesn't understand everything I'm feeling for her, but even for myself is difficult to explain.

I drive to her house and I don't think about anything but Lucinda.

Once I parked I don't see her parents’ cars and obviously they are not here which is great.

When my fist knocks on her door I know this will be a fight, or sort of, but we will hear truths by both sides.

It doesn’t take her too much to open the door.

"Harry? Hi, what's the problem?" She asked confused.

What can I say?

"You, you're the problem," I replied suddenly."What you're doing to me is not fair."

"What am I doing?"

"The way you're making me feel."

"Have you been drinking, Harry?"

"Maybe, but that's not the problem!" I complained. "You have been busy and without you I swear that the world is worse. Perhaps you haven't noticed or I have not been clear but I want you with me, I need you, so much."

She holds her breath and doesn't answer.

"I have no patience and I'm a mess but I can make you happy. Maybe I said it before but I think you need to understand and realize that I'm not leaving and that this is true. "

My heart is beating so hard and fast. This is exciting.

"And it makes me sick the way you talk to Billy or when I saw you with Ryan or every time you go out with Adam. I'm jealous. Also I always knew I was selfish but you make me feel even more selfish. "

"Jealous? Selfish? My fault? "

"Yes! But I know that I can't restrain you on that and I wouldn't do it neither," I sighed and slid my fingers through my hair.

"No, you can’t...," she murmurs.

"And that's the thing, I need you and I won't forget you or give up on you. But I just need...I need more of you," I sighed.

"I don't know what to say."

"You have me, just accept me, Lucy,” I shrug. "You can make me feel the same pain I made you feel and you know I'm so sorry about that. And this pain is so real and is so destructive, Lucy."

"It is...," she whispers.

Her big eyes don't leave my face. Her hands are clasped and her shoulders are stiff.

"Yes, and that is what I wanted to say," I sighed and rested my body against the door. "I'm in love with you, you can have me."

"You can come in, I have something to tell you, Harry."

I obey and shut the door. Cautiously she grabs my hand and we headed to her room.

"I have something for you, can I write it in your wall?"

"What?" She asked confused.

"Or maybe on the door of your closet or on your desk, I only need a small space."

"Why don't you just tell me?"

"I want to leave a mark, I want you to read it when you need it and not only remember it," I shrug.

Her cheeks light up and then she points to her desk.

I sit and patted my lap looking at Lucy.

"I won't bite you, Lucinda," I say softly.

She obeys and sits on my lap. She sighs and I rest my chin on her shoulder. Lucinda hands me a pen and I looked at her beautiful face one more time.

"This is for you," I muttered before starting to write.

I miss you. I miss not touching each other. Not seeing each other, not breathing in each other. I want you. All the time. No one else, Lucinda Fray. H.

She looks stunned. Her eyes glide through the letters and words over and over again as if she could not believe what she is reading.

Silence doesn't fill the room. Lucinda wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hides her face in my neck.

"Baby," I whisper and I feel her hot breath on my skin.

I want this and I would do anything to stay this way.

"Where did you get it?"

"It's a secret," I replied. "Sherlock helped me make this decision."

"Really?" She laughs cheerful. "How?" She parted a bit to look into my eyes.

"That hamster is a poet, you have no idea."

We smiled and she stroked my hair. I grabbed her waist and pressed a kiss on her forehead.

"We are so weird and dysfunctional but I find comfort and honesty in this," she whispers.

My heart melts.

This is so weird but it is quiet, we don't shout at each other, we never lost respect for each other, we don't shoot bad things just to hurt the other, we don't seek reasons for remorse or to live a relationship in which there is hate.

I breathe the scent of her skin and planted a kiss on her neck.

"I want more, so much more of you, Lucy."

"If you are honest and if you're a good boy and if you remedy your mistakes."

"I will, however is not what I'm doing right now?"

"Yes, exactly."

I tuck few strands behind her ear. Lucy leans over and kisses me for a couple of seconds. That caught me off guard. Her cheeks are red and I look impressed due to the stolen kiss.

I grab her face and crashed our lips in need. She kisses me back and our breaths fade like our insecurities, desires, fears and hopes...but only for small seconds. Lucinda puts her hand between our mouths and I bite her fingers softly.

"You're taking advantage of the situation."

"You did it too, not fair!" I pouted and my lips are hot.

"The situation made me do it. Thank you for what you wrote, is very sweet, I miss you too, Harry. "

"I'm glad you liked it. Hey, now that I remember I left Sherlock in the car," I smiled innocent.

"What!?" Lucy's jaw drops. "We have to go for him."

We got up and she grabs my hand.

"Wait, does this mean that we're together again?" I ask trying to look innocent as we go down the stairs.

"Ha-Ha nope," Lucy shakes her head but a small smile is dancing on her mouth. "We need to talk about a few things. And you have a couple of wounds on your face I want to know where they come from, Harry."

Damn, I had hope. Good thing is that we kiss and we are a little better, a new step for us. Despite everything the week was not so bad.