73

I pushed the power button to turn off my phone. Hindi na ako nagtangkang basahin pa ang mga messages nila. I looked up in the sky as I saw the clouds turning to gray as the sun slowly hides at its horizon. Mag-gagabi na at hindi parin ako nakauwi.

The familiar heavy feeling kept weighing down my heart.

And I know exactly why. . .

"Uy! Si Aine pala 'to eh. Ba't hindi ka pa umuuwi? Kanina pa tapos ang meeting ah." biglang pagsulpot ni Louis sa tabi ko.

Kasalukuyan kaming nasa waiting shed na nasa labas lang ng school katabi ng gate. Tiningnan ko lang siya, hindi magawa ng utak kong makaisip ng sagot.

"Sikret, no clue." Kaya tinarantado ko nalang.

"Ulol! Pakipot ka pa. Nandoon pa si Chief sa Library. Mag-isa sya doon, puntahan mo na. Sarap niyo'ng pagumpugin eh."

I blinked. I felt like I was busted. Totoo naman eh. I lost Pio because we didn't communicate well. We just suddenly stopped talking; although I was the one who distanced myself but still! I can't help but think that what if the same thing would happen with Chief too.

I was serious when I said that I don't want to lose him.

"Assumero! Hindi naman si Chief ang rason kung ba't 'di pa ko umuuwi."

"Sus! Palusot." then eyed me meaningfully.

Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya. I pouted my lips and hesitated to ask. "Siya lang ba doon?" pinaliit ko pa ang boses ko.

"May pakipot ka pa na nalaman. Oo, siya lang doon kaya puntahan mo na! Grab the chance girl! Sayo ang West Philipines Sea!" then slightly pushed me which made me step forward.

"Hoy 'yong baba mo!" pinagsabihan ko pa siya pero sinunod ko 'rin naman.

I opened the door and silence greeted me. I peeked my head and eyes roamed around the place. I immediatly caught the sight of Chief at his usual spot. I took a deep breath to muster all my courage to push myself to enter the library.

Naramdaman kong napatingin siya sa akin pero hindi sapat ang naipon kong tapang para tingnan rin siya pabalik. Ano ba naman 'to? Nandito nga ako pero ano? Hindi ko naman kakausapin? Shuta!

Hindi na ako maka-atras pa. Nandito na ako eh. Nakakahiya naman kapag bigla nalang akong mag-u-turn, edi halata ako lalo.

Hindi-hindi. Dapay nonchalant tayo kahit deep down inside OA ako. Pretend-pretend.

Dumeretso ako sa mga storybooks. Mukhang ewan siguro ako sa mata ni Chief ngayon. Nakakaiyak! Ayoko na! Mama!

I settled at the floor as I flip through the pages. Pero kunyare lang 'to, ang atensyon ko talaga ay naka'y Chief. Gusto ko siya'ng sulyapan. Pero natatakot ako, baka nakatingin siya.

Napakapit ako ng mahigpit sa hawak ko na libro para makaipon ulit ng tapang na sulyapan si Chief.

I looked up. Parang nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang matanto ko na hindi siya nakatingin. I grabbed this chance to stare at him more. The more I stare, the more I realize how appealing his side-profile is.

His nose is so define as well his cheeks and jaw from this point-of-view. His long lashes are more visible. The little baby fat on his cheeks made him look youthful. His lips are somehow dry though. Hindi kaya siya nakainom ng tubig? Meron akong tubig, baka kailangan niya.

Mwe! As if kaya ko naman ibigay sa kaniya.

I didn't realize that I was staring longer than I intended to. I snapped out of it when he suddenly turned to look at me.

As if everything went slo-mo when he shifted his head towards my direction before his eyes followed. I immediately looked down at the book that I'm supposedly reading. I felt my ears and cheeks heating up in embarrasment as if I was caught in a crime. I was silently praying that I hope I don't look red.

Napakunot and noo ko ng napagtanto ko na baliktad pala ang librong hawak ko. Mas lalo lamang uminit ang pisnge ko. Antanga!

Pasimple ulit akong sumulyap kay Chief para tingnan kung nakita niya ba na baliktad ang libro na hawak ko.

My hear leaped when he did.

He's looking at the book that I'm holding!

No!!!!

Sa sobrang hiya, naisara ko agad ang libro at agaran na ibinalik sa shelf. Nagkukumahog akong bumangon mula sa pagkaupo at dumeretso sa encyclopedia section para makatago.

Nung nakatago na ako. Ramdam ko ang mabilis na pagtibok ng puso ko. Animo'y parang may mga kabayo na kumakarera. Nakakahiya!

Ba't kasi ganito? Ayoko ng ganito!

Habang pinapakalma ko ang sarili ko. Narealize ko ang ginawa kong katangahan. Bakit ako umiwas?! Edi mas obvious ako! Nakakahiya! Nakita niya'ng baliktad ang librong hawak ko tapos tinakbuhan ko pa.

Sino ang tanga? Ako.

Sa sobrang inis ko sa sarili. Sinuntok ko ang shelf para mailabas. Gumawa iyon ng malakas na tunog na pinagsisihan ko.
Ngunit mas lalo kong pinagsisihan dahil napalakas pala ang suntok ko sa shelf. Mas dumoble pa ang karma ko dahil nahulugan rin ang ulo ko ng libro.

"Ah! Aray ko, shuta!" hindi ko napigilang daing.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pagtuonan ko ng pansin. Ang daliri ko ang ulo ko. Malas!

"Hey! What happened?"

Tila natuliro ako. Hindi ko namalayan na nandito na pala si Chief sa harapan ko at nakahawak sa daliri ko.

"Are you okay? What were you even doing?! You should have been more careful now look at what you have done to yourself. You're hurting."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Parang namanhid ako sa sakit na natamo ko dahil sa kagagahan ko. All I care right now is that Chief is finally talking to me. The corner of my eyes suddenly watered at the sight of him blowing the pain away from my fingers.

He looked up to me. Our eyes met. The frown on his face suddenly vanished and it was replaced with worry.

"Hey. . ." he softly said.

"Hindi naman ako nainform na kailangan ko pa palang madisgrasya para  pansinin mo." mapait kong saad.

He went silent. His mouth parted, as if trying to find the right words to say but in the end closed his mouth.

"Edi sana kanina pa ako naglampa-lampahan." dagdag ko pa.

"It's not that. It's just— fuck!" he cursed under his breath and looked away. He placed his hands on his waist and looked up.

He always does that when he's frustrated. Patuloy paring tumutulo and mga luha ko.

He's eyes trailed back at me. His eyes couldn't hide the guilt that he have while looking at the tears streaming down my cheeks.

"Please don't cry, Aine." his hands made its way to my cheeks as his thumb wiped away my tears. "Why do you always make it so hard?" I felt our hearts entwine as I felt the heaviness of his emotion from words he said.

Me? Hard? Is he referring to what I did last night? To the words I said? To the line I drawed?

He must've seen the confusion in my eyes. He took a deep breath. He made me bow down my head, now my view is only at his chest.

"I was planning to distance myself for awhile. I don't have any plans on cutting you off. I know you're overthinking that."

I forced my self to look up. I was caught off-guard with his expression. His expression was blank but I can see the helplessness in his eyes. It's as if he wants me but he knows he couldn't.

"Alam mo naman pala eh. Bakit hindi mo magawang ipaalam. Warning ba? Hindi naman ako manghuhula."

He closed his eyes. "I know. I'm sorry. I just couldn't pick the right words to say for that."

He opened his eyes and it met mine. I let myself drown at his pair of black orbs looking back at mine.

Silence reigned between us.

But it ended when he sighed. "Do you want to grab some ice cream?"