Author: Alexander_Chase.

Genre: Fantasy.

Chapters Reviewed: Nine.

Overall Score: 51/100.

Cover, Title, and Blurb:

-- Cover: I've mixed feelings on this cover. On the one hand, it gives off a very fantasy vibe while still keeping the modern hint to it with the two boys on the front. On the other, it's... crowded. The little lights kind of obscure everything and the title appears cramped. The title's a little awkward as well-- generally, the less important words ("a", "the", "of", etc.) are smaller than the more important parts of the title. In your case, "cobblestoned" is the same size as "the", and both are smaller than the other two words. The font color also makes it incredibly hard to read when the cover is any smaller than the one displayed on the 'Read' page.

-- Title: I mean... it fits. There's really not much to say here; the title fits the story well.

-- Blurb: Your blurb might get you. For one, the first sentence is a fragment, but it doesn't have the impact that it could: you've got each item separated by commas when you'd get more impact from periods. With periods, you could then separate the lines completely by making them into separate paragraphs. There should be some separation for "along the way", whether that's commas or em dashes. I might recommend the dashes just because there are already a number of commas in that last sentence. The last thing I have to say is about the "maybe develop feelings for one another" bit. This is a common thing with Wattpad-- "Will James and Kristy work past their problems?" Yes, and we know they will. Will the two boys develop feelings for one another along the way? Yeah, probably. Maybe this is more of a pet peeve for me than for most people, but the point remains.

Score: 2.5/5

Grammar:

Since I edited this one myself, regardless of whether or not the changes were made, I will give it near-full marks. However, I'll tell you that (as it stands) the grammar would rank below what I would normally accept for a review. If you're entering into the Wattys or other contests, I'd recommend editing so that your book is not passed over due to simple errors. Additionally, you've got a lot of repetition with dialogue tags.

Score: 13/15.

Plot and Overall Entertainment:

Chapter 1: Right off the bat, there are a couple logic issues that stand out to me. Timothy notes when he invades the house that Maxwell generally keeps the door to the study locked, and yet the one day that both children are left without supervision, the door is unlocked. That seems like extreme carelessness at a particularly plot-convenient time. You could, if you wanted, alter the behavior of either Caleb or Timothy. Caleb would have to be able to pick a lock and hopefully get past any magical protection, which seems unlikely, so Timothy's the more logical option. If he were deliberately targeting either parent, he could go into the study, curse whatever he intended to curse, and then have to hide as Caleb found the room unlocked and decided to hide there. Your second issue comes in from the ultimate prophecy set up-- Timothy specifically targets the boys, but not with anything fatal. He gives them the opportunity to discover the magical world and become a genuine threat rather than debilitate or kill them. That said, I think you could have a good start to the story here-- readers watching Caleb go into the study, knowing that a dangerous man is in there, waiting for him to attack... but then Caleb picks up the book. There's some tension to be had here, and mystery as well when one looks for Timothy's true motives, but it's being dragged down by logical inconsistencies and issues with character connection (more on telling in Additional Notes).

Chapter 2: The wisps are an interesting concept; however, I think they would be more terrifying if the lies they whispered weren't obviously false. If they'd told Caleb, for instance, that his father had the power to come and save him but just chose not to, or that night would fall soon and truer monsters would come out to play, or that by coming to the path, he'd allowed something else to get into the study... details that could possibly be true, rather than Caleb's family being dead, which he knows is wrong. Nice to see Demitri-- family drama always makes for a fun read, and while parent/child is the usual take, I generally find it entertaining. It seems that Demitri is fully aware of his father's intent with the boy in the woods (Caleb) and is determined to thwart his efforts. Subterfuge-- always a good place to end a chapter. Lends to the excitement.

Chapter 3: Unfortunately, the tension surrounding Caleb's predicament is gone almost instantly. Demitri really doesn't face too many obstacles in getting him free and Caleb, before his rescue, doesn't seem to be in too much danger from the wisps. The pendants practically ward off any true risk. Personally, I think it'd be more interesting if the pendants saved them from physical harm, but the psychological aspects of the wisps could still get to them-- so Demitri, perhaps, is plagued with the ideas that his father has a good reason, that he should return home before he gets in trouble, that he can't save the boy and himself; Caleb could face the idea that Demitri is a part of the woods the same as the wisps, or doubt as to his true intentions given his father's warning of the woods. As it is, it seems that the situation is casual enough for both of them, since they can take the time to describe one another's appearance and clothes rather than simply leave. Back at the house, we get the POVs for Timothy, Demitri, and Caleb. While I like Demitri's quick thinking, I have to say that Timothy isn't displaying the same skill-- Demitri causes a distraction, he goes up the stairs to check, and then (presumably) he checks on the boy in the woods only to find him completely gone and his son mysteriously down in the living room when he was upstairs before. The chapter does end on an interesting note: while Caleb seems to be safe, he's still in the house of the man who wants to harm him.

Chapter 4: There's some decent tension with Demitri trying to sneak Caleb out of the house, avoiding his father and making sure that Caleb stays hidden. You're still running into some telling issues here, namely the conversation mentioning 'anger' and 'forgetfulness' as well as Caleb's very long thank-you. Some of the conversations are cut a bit short (conversation died down, joking died down), which sort of messes with flow-- it's an abrupt end. The chapter ends on an intriguing note, though-- Cynthiana's up to something shifty, connecting the boys' pendants together. Seems to be more in Caleb's favor than Demitri's, so we'll see how this plays out in future chapters.

Chapter 5: You are, I think, running into an instalove issue. So the bit about Caleb thinking he's staring too much-- that's perfectly fine; it makes sense because it's a normal reaction for physical attraction. Both of them openly telling the readers that they like the other boy... not only is that too soon, not giving us enough time to see the progression of thoughts and feelings, but it's simply that: telling. Additionally, they enter into a relationship very quickly. I've barely had time to get to know either boy on their own, so there's no evidence for me about how the romance changes them or if they're reacting to anything abnormally. I think you need to build up the feelings between them a bit more-- details like holding a gaze too long and looking away awkwardly, not knowing what to say to the other person, skin accidentally brushing against skin, thinking about how kind or witty the other person is, etc. Brick-by-brick. I'll admit that the rest of the chapter perplexes me a bit as well. Maxwell knew the nature of the wisps well enough to tell Caleb, but neither he nor Cynthiana understand anything beyond that about the path that's right outside their house. Timothy, still in the house of two people who are proficient magic-users, decides to curse Caleb and try to kill him rather than do something more subtle, as he did in the first chapter. 

Chapter 6: I feel like Maxwell's underreacting here. Timothy tried to murder his son in his house, and all Maxwell does is ask him to leave. Timothy immediately does so, which suggests to me that Maxwell is the more powerful of the two-- or at the very least, he and Cynthiana are when together. If that's the case, why not try to subdue Timothy instead of letting him go? Once again, though, ending on an interesting note-- or at the very least, I'm always down to meet a hate goddess. Demitri's magic has taken a heavy toll on him, presumably thanks to Cynthiana. Timothy's deeper into the world than either of Caleb's parents, so it'll be interesting to see what secrets we as readers can glean from him.

Chapter 7: I'm sorry if I keep harping on the same issue, but telling. We are told instantly how Neira feels about Timothy and (basically) how Demitri and Caleb are the focus of the prophecy. Thorn's fear is done decently; there are clear hints that he's afraid without the fear having to be spelled out. There are a couple instances where it mentions 'with fear', but remove those and you're golden. Good ending once again, showing a connection between a sort of underground movement and the pendant that Demitri wears. Spells out nothing good for Amelia, at any rate.

Chapter 8: This might come off as harsh, and I'm not really intending it that way, but... I don't think that this chapter is relevant yet. We know nothing about Emerald and nothing about how Amelia relates to the plot. With the previous seven chapters being fairly short and also doing POV jumps, I already don't have the best grasp on Caleb or Demitri as characters. Introducing Amelia exacerbates that issue-- I've just been thrown into chapters with two new viewpoint characters. We also don't have much to connect with Amelia. How was her family horrible? Does she feel guilty for leaving her sister behind? Is she worried that she'll have trouble amongst the townsfolk or that anyone might kidnap her for ransom? In the first chapter with Harry's POV in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone, there's an immediate sense of pity for him because the details of his environment and the other characters are established so well. What's in Amelia's story that's going to get us to that point of empathy after a chapter? It doesn't have to be caring, not yet-- but empathy's the goal.

Chapter 9: So we don't really know what's happened between Neira and Amelia. I would assume with the details given that when their mother lashed out, Amelia was the more passive type who just took it whereas Neira retaliated. But I've no idea why Amelia would leave her sister behind with their mother. And so, with that same mentality, I've no idea why she would go back. If this escape was a plan long in the making, then she'd probably have everything important ready to go. Regardless, we've a decent set-up for some tension at the end-- Neira confronts Amelia and some time later, the blacksmith wonders what's taking so long and steps out, presumably to go find her.

I'm sorry, this probably comes off as really critical. It's a good idea for a story, don't get me wrong-- 'normal' sorcerer family's son teams up with the son of an evil queen's lackey to defeat aforementioned evil queen. That's gonna make a badass story. It's the surface details that are getting you, though-- I'm assuming that you know the exact whys and hows of character actions, but it's coming in muted for me. Either I'm too distanced from the character (usually due to telling) or the motivations aren't coming across clearly (Timothy being the prime example).

Score: 5/15.

Characters:

-- Caleb: Kind of split on Caleb. On the one hand, the self-conscious, awkward teen is done well. On the other, he doesn't fully match his description. There's nothing about him that implies any interest in music-- he doesn't hum to himself, doesn't have any instruments in his room, doesn't try to calm himself down by playing a song in his head, doesn't make any comparisons to music. In that case, there are likely aspects of Caleb that you intend for readers to see that just... aren't there for me. I'm getting the shy boy, but that's most of what I get. He doesn't seem too attached to his parents and I can't tell what his hobbies are or any of his opinions on his family or magic. This goes back to details. Add in thoughts, emotions, descriptions that give me more of the character. 

-- Demitri: Unlike Caleb, Demitri fits what's listed on his cast pretty perfectly. He doesn't have any familial loyalty whatsoever, but a new friend? He'll fight for that friend. He still comes off as a little younger than twenty-one, but since that's to be adjusted, I'll take no points here. I wish we could see a little more of a relationship with his father-- clearly, there's defiance, but how does he feel deep down? Does he know his father is a monster? Does he still love him? If he doesn't, then why stay? His motivation and true feelings are a bit in shadows, but I think with a little more emotion and reaction from him, you've got a solid character.

-- Maxwell and Cynthiana: Their cast listing says 'cruel'. I'm not sure I see that entirely. With Cynthiana, perhaps, since she tampered with the pendants for the sake of her son, but with Maxwell... he's sharp with Dillain in the first chapter, but Dillain and Caleb actively broke the rules. It's mentioned that he stayed out and finished his errand before returning home, but since I've no idea what that errand was or what its circumstances were, I can't judge on it. As soon as he gets home, he tries to help Caleb. The closest thing I can see to cruel with him is not really making sure that his son is okay upon his return, but Caleb also makes no move toward his parents. Once more-- and I know I sound like a broken record-- details. What, exactly, makes them how they are? You've no viewpoints from either of these two, but we should be able to see their nature through Caleb and Dillain especially. Even Timothy might have some insight on them, but I'd like to see a little bit more on these two regardless of source.

-- Timothy: Of all the characters, I dislike Timothy the most. Now, with me, that's not really a good thing-- I like villain characters, typically the most out of any in a story. But with Timothy, there is no nuance. There's not a single redeeming quality. He doesn't seem to care about his son, he's willing to harm a child (even murder him in front of his parents), and he betrayed people who at the very least tolerated him. There's nothing that makes me question if he could possibly be right or anything that makes me sympathetic toward him. And I get it, there are villains who can pull that off (A Song of Ice and Fire has a number of examples), but even with them, you can see the hints of something. Even if it was subtle, you could see in Joffrey a sort of desire to be like King Robert. Even with Voldemort, there's this underlying bitterness and anger due to his heritage and the circumstances of his birth, exacerbated by always being odd, always feeling better. I'm not getting anything from Timothy and that's an issue. He seems a stock villain: perhaps a decent adversary, but forgettable in the end.

Score: 5/15.

Additional Notes

-- The cast list. Now, I'm not a fan of cast lists. I feel that, at best, they limit people from discovering and imagining the story for themselves. While yours doesn't contain pictures, it does tell me aspects of their relationships and personalities that readers should be allowed to explore throughout the story-- it is, in short, an infodump and a massive form of telling. In your case, it also tells you straight off that Caleb and Demitri are dating when the story doesn't start there.

-- Caleb comes off as terribly young, and there are few hints in-text to suggest that he is, but since you said that you intend to fix this, no points will be subtracted from the plot/entertainment section.

-- Telling is a major issue in this story. For example, the last part of the first chapter: "Maxwell asked... clearly annoyed", "Dillain told him, completely worried how he is going to react", "Maxwell asked, in an angry tone, ticked off...". This subtracts from your characters quite a bit and also doesn't allow the reader (in this case, me) to imagine them. Physical or emotional reactions are infinitely more descriptive and let us get a better sense of the characters and world. If Maxwell is the type to inflict corporal punishment on his children, for instance, then having Dillain hear his angry voice over the phone and flinch, duck his head, hunch his shoulders, would perhaps allow for a better read on both characters. The most egregious example of telling is in Chapter 5, when both boys openly declare that they are attracted to the other. It's all about small details-- I listed a couple in the comments on Chapter 5, but that goes for most feelings and developments. Like there's no need to wax poetic when all you need is"he felt bad", but if you want the readers truly immersed, then it's important to let us sense these details in our minds' eyes. If Caleb stammers, flushes bright red, and turns away, we'll know he's embarrassed and get a good image.

-- Your prophecy mentions that two boys must fall in love. Caleb, age nineteen, and Demitri, age twenty-one, are adults. Unless the magical world has a different standard from the normal world, such as the time the brain stops developing, then the prophecy shouldn't apply to either of them. If it does have a different standard, it'd be nice to see that specified. This might be carried over from the previous young ages of the characters, but regardless, it is there.

-- Chapter 3: There are a lot of breaks ( *** ) here. Now clearly, they're for POV jumps, but we're not getting a lot from each character before getting into another's head, leaving the chapter disjointed. Timothy's POV is hardly necessary, since not only does he not really mention anything that we don't know, but it actively takes tension away by not giving that time to Demitri, who has every reason to be scared and therefore cause readers to feel that emotion.

-- I like the Latin; I'm a sucker for language stuff.

-- Chapter 4: We get a hint of religion here ("Thank the gods") that I'd like to see a bit more of.

-- I understand that Timothy isn't the most attentive father, but the pendant. Would he never have noticed Demitri's pendant and tried to learn where he got it and what it does?

-- A lot of chapters are short. Maybe add in some more details or emotions.

-- Chapter 9: Castles with no guards do not make for long-lived monarchs. Unless the wards are magical (please specify) then Amelia should not have been able to get in undetected without some major stealth skills.