Lio woke unnaturally early. Grey-blue light spilled in from the porthole windows near the door, seeping across the floorboards and the bed. Anxiety had roused him from the sleep he badly needed, but Lio beat the nerves back long enough to set his cheek on his hand, staring at Ravi in the dim light. He looked so perfectly peaceful, his head thrown back on a pillow, lips gently parted. Just looking at him made Lio's pulse slow.

Ravi loved him. He still couldn't quite believe it, and kept replaying everything Ravi had said last night, the look in his eyes, the way he'd kissed like he'd given up all defenses. Lio knew he'd been entrusted with something precious. Reverently, he traced his finger along Ravi's bare shoulder. That such a good person was willing to imagine a future with him could only be a goddess blessing.

They wouldn't have many mornings like this, at least not for some time. Once the com announcements were made, he would have to turn his attention to his own plans. Or lack thereof. The only kind of unit he was really qualified for was an Engagement unit, and he could think of plenty that would be happy to have a link to the Suzerain, but the prospect made him want to hide under the bed. No matter what posting he got, they wouldn't permit him to be a Fennec region recluse any longer.

Nerves bit at him again, and this time he couldn't soothe them. After a few minutes of snuggling closer to Ravi, trying to lull himself back to sleep, he gave up and slid out of the bed for the bathroom. Alarms would be going off soon anyways, rousing them for their early trip back to the Commissioners.

He didn't precisely know what he wanted, beyond a relationship with the most incredible man he'd ever met. But wonderful as Ravi was, he couldn't be the entire scope of Lio's future. And regardless of Ravi, Lio refused to wander aimless through his life. Problem was, he wasn't sure what he wanted to start working toward next.

Water rattled into the little sink, and he found a packet of toothbrushes and paste sachets in the sink drawer. It wasn't as though he were completely talentless. He could make something of himself. It just might feel more like a slog than he'd hoped. His passion was Opalina, and it did no good to pretend otherwise. Maybe someday he'd find something else that would make him feel half on-fire with curiosity and optimism. Perhaps he was just lucky to have found it once, even if he couldn't keep it. Plenty of people worked jobs they didn't love and were just fine. He could do it.

He rinsed the foam from his mouth and investigated the shower. It was a sparse affair, but it did the job. Clean and fresh, he slipped back out to the dresser opposite the foot of the bed. Someone had stocked it with uniforms in all sizes, but he was feeling too sentimental. He changed into new boxers and pulled on his lake-water stained, dirt-spattered Opalina garments.

A faint creak from the mattress made him look up. Ravi shifted and sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Lio padded back toward the bed and ran his hand over the outline of Ravi's legs beneath the blankets.

"Nah, my alarm went off while you had the water going," Ravi said, nodding down at the holowatch he held. "How'd you sleep?"

"I'd rather have slept more but—" He gave Ravi a nervous smile. "I'm a bit keyed up, I think."

Ravi's dark eyes were achingly tender, and he reached out to touch Lio's cheek. "It'll be alright. Whatever happens."

"Yes. At this point, I just want it over and settled." He leaned into Ravi's touch, scooting closer. He cupped Ravi's extended hand in both of his, kissing the center of his palm. "I've scrubbed up as best I can, if you want the shower."

"What, you don't think I can show up in front of the Commissioners like this?"

"Shirtless? Actually, I think it's highly recommended. Traditional, even. If you want to be really respectful, you should lose the pants too." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively, and Ravi laughed.

Before either of them could continue the joke, Ravi's holowatch flashed in his hand. Incoming missive. He glanced down at it, and all the laughter evaporated. Whatever he was reading was not good.

"What is it?" Lio blurted. He almost didn't want to know. He was already bruised from everything that had happened, and it took effort to maintain any sense of equilibrium. The possibility of another blow exhausted him, and just because he could withstand it didn't mean he could face it without wincing. Although he couldn't imagine what else the Commissioners could possibly throw at him.

"It's..." Ravi exhaled, and looked up. His voice was low. Apologetic. "Archcom Huseda. She said I should wear one of the new uniforms provided. Because of the...the imagers."

Momentarily, Lio couldn't understand why Ravi was watching him so anxiously and twining their fingers together tightly. Then it clicked. Ravi was going to be in front of imagers. They were going to award him Opalina's Enforcer com post.

"Oh," he said, the air punching out of him. "I see. Ah...that's...congratulations."

"It might not mean anything—"

Lio stood, pulling his hand free and reeling back from the bed, smiling frantically. "No, of course they're giving it to you. They should. And you should get dressed, so we can go and—actually, I think I just forgot something in the bathroom." He dove into the tiny room, sliding the door closed after him.

Braced against the sink, he glared down at it, loathing the waves of loss and frustration tossing him in a shameful current. Goddess damn his prickling eyes, and the miserable, self-pitying tears that were filling them. Ravi had earned that spot, and Lio wanted to see very accolade and commendation laid at his feet. He wanted Ravi to succeed, and he could picture how it would happen. That didn't erase his desire to see himself succeed, which he suddenly couldn't picture at all. Opalina was not meant for him, even if he'd dreamed of it for half his life, and now not only was he a shitty recruit unworthy of a lightship, but he was also a shitty partner hiding in the bathroom instead of celebrating Ravi's achievement.

"Hey, can I come in?" Ravi's voice was muffled, but unmistakably worried.

Lio blotted his eyes with his sleeve and pasted on a smile before shoving the door aside. "Of course. Let me get out of your way, this room is just not meant for—"

"Lio." Ravi's hands landed on his shoulders. "It's okay. You don't have to pretend this is all fine. It's fucking terrible."

"No it's not!" He grinned desperately, but all his false brightness was cracking, and his breathing stuttered.

Ravi took one more look at him and folded him into a hug. The wordless offer of comfort tipped him over the edge, and he flung his arms around Ravi's neck, hid his face against Ravi's chest, and cried.

He was determined to keep this relationship alive. Through screens and missives and as many dispensation days as he could snag. They would fight the twin tides of distance and change, and he knew they could make it. But it might have been different. They could have had days and nights and days onboard a Mastali lightship, if he just could've come up with the perfect plan.

Eventually, he realized he was being a blubbering idiot. When he drew back to peek up at Ravi, he felt even worse.

Undisguised distress strained Ravi's expression. "I hate that this hurts you, Lio." His voice was rough, lips trembling. "But I don't want you to feel like you have to hide it from me."

"No," Lio groaned, pressing a fist to his forehead. "We should be jumping up and down on the bed to celebrate you. Or"—he laid his cheek on Ravi's shoulder—"doing something more exciting in the bed to celebrate you. I'm making you feel terrible when you should feel wonderful. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. None of this is simple, and you can be happy for me and feel shitty about Opalina at the same time. It's okay."

Lio leaned into him, wrapped in his warmth. Somewhere beneath his sadness and fear of the future, he felt a tiny seed of his old certainty. Perhaps it would take years, but he would find something else. Discover some new passion. And he'd have Ravi with him through it all. Encouraging him and holding him and celebrating in beds with him. It didn't fix everything, but it was still far more than it might've been. When he stepped back slowly, he did not have to fake the small smile he wore.

"Ravi, I love you," Lio said. "And I'm proud of you. And I can hardly believe I'm saying this, but you should get dressed."

The sound of Ravi's teary laughter was pure light in the shabby bathroom. Lio kissed him until he knew they were pushing the time, and reluctantly disengaged to let him get ready.

Strange, to feel so tired and beaten down and quietly happy at the same time. He was oddly weightless as they finally made their way out of the room and into the morning. An unfamiliar quiet blanketed him, and it was not entirely melancholy. Shoulder to shoulder with Ravi, he walked to the hovs where the rest of the crew waited.