XIV.
Trauma
•
Choi Jongho

"Really you don't need to..." Jongho said with a pout as Yunho dropped next to him on his bed. He had caught up to him outside his bedroom insisting on helping him clean his split knuckles. Jongho had hit Mingi pretty hard and while it made Yunho feel horrible he was grateful for the younger's help. He still didn't know what to make of his ex's presence here or why he acted so crazy. Plus, being with Jongho gave him a good distraction from his troubled thoughts.

"I want to, there's a difference." Yunho sighed before he rolled his eyes. The younger continued to protest but Yunho did what he wanted to anyways. He dabbed at the cuts with a swab and hydrogen peroxide he'd found in the en suite. This elicited a pained hiss from the other boy. Yunho looked up at him worriedly only to see a huge grimace on his face. "You big baby." The older chided as he gently blew against his hand. Jongho watched his lips, a slight blush gracing his cheeks.

"Just who the hell was that guy?" Jongho huffed as he studied the older's face. Yunho had a look of concentration as he began to unwrap a roll of gauze. He tried to keep his voice as neutral as he could when he answered. "He's my ex boyfriend.. The only boyfriend I've ever had." There was so much hurt to his voice the younger felt bad about asking. Jongho's brows furrowed together as he watched him bind the bandage around his hand.

"Who broke it off?"

Yunho stopped his movements and Jongho was afraid that he'd overstepped his boundaries. He could tell from the look of anguish that had crossed his face that it had been his ex. His beautiful chocolate eyes swam with tears that he kept trained on the bed between them. Jongho placed a hand on Yunho's knee until he raised his eyes to look at him. "Well he's an idiot," Jongho said firmly. "Anyone would be an idiot for leaving you."

At his kind words Yunho felt heat rise to his cheeks. He quickly put all the medical supplies away hoping that Jongho didn't notice just how flustered he'd made him. The younger boy sat back on his bed as he watched the other, drawing his bottom lip into his mouth in contemplation. "I've had a lot of really shitty relationships and even more one night stands...I just— I feel like my brain isn't wired to be with one person." Jongho admitted quietly. "I've never been in love."

His last sentence caught Yunho by surprise and his eyes widen a bit. "Never, never?" He asks.

Now it was Jongho's turn to look embarrassed as he drew random shapes on the sheets around them. "Nope, I-I just gave up. I don't think I deserve it." He whispered the last part mostly to himself. The last person who should have a love story was him. A night from years before, one he'd tried to forget, flashed across his mind...

It was some stupid college party at a house of someone he hardly knew. He was attending university to become an asshole lawyer like his father was. A path he had little choice but to fall in line and follow. He hated his family and the person they were molding him into but he kept his mouth shut. Couldn't have them put a stop to the cash flow, now could he?

He'd been downing beers like they were water just as soon as he'd stepped through the door. But as usual, the alcohol wasn't enough to keep his usual dark thoughts at bay. He needed something more substantial to fill his needs. So he climbed the steps, two at a time, wanting to find a dark room to relieve his growing problem. He already had a particular video in mind that he'd been dying to watch.

The first room he opened was occupied however by a boy he'd seen around campus. He was cute and quiet, a year younger than Jongho if he remembered correctly. He glanced up at Jongho curiously as he swayed unsteadily on his feet. He must've been completely gone with the way his glassy eyes stared back at him. The older boy openly appraised him, shutting and locking the door with a purpose.

"What're you doing up here all alone?" Jongho asked as he stepped closer. The boy shook his head as he shakily sat down on the edge of the bed. The movement made his slightly unbuttoned shirt shift and reveal more toned flesh beneath. Jongho licked his lips at the sight of his unblemished skin. "I don't feel good..." The boy mumbled, nearly falling over in his seat.

Jongho grinned wickedly as he stalked forward, eating up the space between them. Before the boy knew what had happened Jongho pushed him down and climbed on top of him. "Well what if I make you feel better then, baby?" He whispered hotly into his ear. The boy shivered under him enticing him to continue, but his eyes went wide once he realized what Jongho was implying.

"What? N-no—" The boy answered trying to sit up again. However Jongho was easily able to overpower him and hold him down. His need was growing exponentially as the boy writhed around underneath him. The way he accidentally rubbed against Jongho was giving him all sorts of ideas. Suddenly jacking off wasn't as appealing as the other option that had suddenly presented itself.

Jongho was completely shitfaced, surprising even himself when he was able to get hard. His lips pushed far too roughly against another's, smothering any of their protests. His hands moved frantically to remove articles of clothing, becoming increasingly impatient. The need to feel another's body underneath him was so overwhelming Jongho wasn't thinking straight.

He ripped the last piece of clothing between them, the boy's boxers, in his haste. Jongho was able to take in the boy's body already fantasizing all the ways that it could serve to please his. The boy whimpered, trying to move his hands down to cover himself but Jongho wretched his arms above his head. He felt a frenzied need drive him forward as he pushed himself inside.

Their naked bodies collided together at a brutal pace. The other boy cried out at how rough Jongho was but his cries fell on deaf ears. Jongho held a hand over his mouth to silence him while smashing their hips together even harder. He was near his peak, desperate for the high that only sex could give him. He needed it to drown out everything else. To make him numb to the thoughts he was a constant prisoner to. His pleasure peaked swiftly and he came inside the condom he wore. The feeling of euphoria was fleeting and his eyes dropped to the boy's.

As he took in his tear streaked face Jongho suddenly felt disgusted with what he'd done. But it was far too late, the damage was already dealt. "Please stop..." The boy pleaded as he weakly tried to push Jongho off. The older boy climbed off of him only to have the boy turn and throw up into the garbage pail next to the bed. Jongho ran a shaky hand through his damp hair as his mind pin wheeled at what had just happened. He had never lost control like this. He'd always kept his urges in check, no matter how strong they were.

Jongho stood up quickly and rolled the used condom off himself. He ran into the bathroom just as his stomach turned and threw up into the sink. He peered at his own reflection, sweat plastered his hair to his forehead and flecks of vomit covering his lips. He splashed some cold water over his face as he tried to calm himself down. Oh God, what had he done? Jongho stumbled back into the dark room squinting as he made out the body of the boy still on the bed. He dropped to his knees next to him fighting the urge to ball his eyes out.

You, Choi Jongho, are a fucking monster.

"I'm-I'm sorry," Jongho apologized grabbing fistfuls of his own hair. Surely the pain would rouse him from this nightmare he was in. His stomach was churning at the heavy smell of sex that still lingered in the air. The boy was deathly quiet as he laid prone on the mattress. "I don't know why I did that..." Jongho gasped as he closed his eyes. He pushed the heels of his hands against his lids until a kaleidoscope of color danced inside his view. Anything to block out the reality of the crime he'd just committed.

After a few beats of silence Jongho looked up at the boy. It was dark and so eerily silent inside that room. The sounds of the party thumping below the floor faded away when Jongho made a shocking revelation.

The boy wasn't breathing anymore.

Jongho leapt to his feet, pushing two fingers against the boy's neck desperately searching for a pulse that he knew wasn't there. A trail of vomit leaked from the corner of the boy's mouth and Jongho realized he must've choked on it when he was in the bathroom. Now he wasn't only involved in a rape but it had evolved into a horrible accident. In a matter of minutes his entire life had been torn asunder.

The months following that fateful night Jongho was wrapped up in court where he had the protection of his power hungry family. Through grit they fought for his innocence tooth and nail. He'd worn a condom so the evidence they had against Jongho was mostly circumstantial. His family had done well in cleaning up his indiscretions. There was no way they'd let their son be charged for rape and involuntary manslaughter and tarnish their family name.

Although much of that time was a blur Jongho clearly remembered the tear streaked face Soo-bin's mother, the boy he had violated and taken from her. Her eyes never seemed to leave Jongho, boring holes into him as if trying to understand how he could do it. How he could live with himself knowing what he had done. Jongho didn't have an answer for her.

Through blackmail and bribery, tactics well rehearsed by the Choi family, he was acquitted on all charges. He had mandatory therapy sessions with SAA but it did little to cure his mind of its sickness. At some point Jongho had given up on himself and any chance at redemption. He embraced the darkness that festered inside of him. He willingly became the monster his family knew he was. Jongho knew from a young age that monsters were usually raised that way.

"I deserve to die for what I did," Jongho whispered to himself. His eyes misted over trapped inside the ever churning riptide that was his mind. He'd never escape his transgressions. Every time he fell asleep he'd have dreams of the boy he hurt and killed. But no matter how he punished himself he'd never be able to make it right. Soo-bin's family would never see him again. "I'm really sick Yunho."

"Don't say things like that," Yunho whispered. He let his hands graze over Jongho's before grabbing them tightly. Jongho's still looked lost in a memory he wished he could forget. His eyes looked haunted, unreachable, and Yunho's heart broke for his unseen pain. He didn't know how to comfort him except to just sit quietly by his side. "Everyone deserves a second chance." He said honestly.

"Not me," Jongho replied finally looking into Yunho's eyes. The older boy was too pure for him. Would he still say Jongho deserved a second chance when he knew how twisted his mind really was? How he couldn't go through the day without touching himself or someone else? No, if he knew of all the terrible things Jongho had done, all the terrible things he suppressed, he wouldn't say that. He dropped Yunho's hands and stepped away from the bed.

"I only deserve to suffer."

•

A/N

OK we got really dark with us last chapter and it's only going to get more twisted from here on out... I'm sorry for how infrequently I update the story but I'm grateful for those of you who have stuck around since the beginning.

So is there any series on what you think is gonna happen in the story or maybe you have theories about the past of any of the characters?

Hopefully the next update will be faster than this one! I hope you guys are all having a wonderful day or night or evening wherever you are! Happy 2020 and stream answer!!!:)

ily